A few posts back, I posted about the gingerbread I made. I made quite a few gingerbread boys and what turned into 3 large delapidated gingerbread tenements. I was planning to decorate the houses before my son's 5 th birthday party, but the gingerbread boys were the "activity" at the party.
We have been so busy, that I never had the energy to get the houses done. My kids would ask and mommy would say, "no, not tonight. maybe tomorrow." Then it turned into "next week" then it turned into "Alex's party." One house got decorated at the party. The other 2 we ended up taking them to Alex's pre-school for them to decorate. That was 2 fold in its purpose: 1) to get the darn gingerbread out of our house and 2) to get the accompanying candy out of the house!
You see, being somewhat of a candy lover, I went a bit overboard. I think I bought somewhere close to $40 in bulk candy to do said decorations. That included 2 trips where I had to replace what we had eaten and buy things I forgot - like candy canes.
Being a candy lover, that was all I could think of for quite a while. I would think about it when I was on my way home from work: "I wonder which one I will eat tonight?" and then when I was at home eating it, I would have a few and then return for a few more and a few more. (I'm sure you know the drill.) I don't think I ever ate the entire bag of what I had bought, but I sure ate too much anyway.
I ate so much that today my weight was 175. That's up 3 lbs. I'm not impressed. But I am grateful that I made myself get on the scale even though I didn't want to. I need to know that my actions have consequences. I am also glad that I cannot eat with impunity. Even though I had surgery, and it will change some aspects of my eating for ever, from now on, I am mainly a normal sized person controlling her weight. What I eat does matter. Because my job is so active, I can eat more than if I was sedentary, but my job doesn't erase multiple trips to the pantry.
So, anyway, we took the extras to the preschool. But, they didn't use all the candy. So then we got it back. Today my husband suggested we take it to work. Posties will eat junk food like no tomorrow. I took it in this afternoon before my overtime shift.
I have to admit this sad truth: I am sad that I don't have any here to eat. Why did I have to take it to work already? If I had left it until tomorrow, I could have a snack tonight. Logically I know it is much better that it is at work, but emotionally, I want it here. I want it now! And knowing that it is not accessible makes me think about what else I can substitute for it. Anything with sugar will do.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Stay off the sidewalk!
Yesterday I took a class to get my vehicle operator's permit for Canada Post. The class covered some interesting material, but what is scheduled for a day could be covered in a couple of hours. (That is, of course, if I would stop talking and asking questions and telling anecdotes.)
Today, I had my driving test. It went quite well. I got stuck in the snow at the side of the road, but that was good. I was able to ask questions and do it with someone watching. That is my biggest fear about driving one of these trucks - getting stuck. I hate being in the way and with a big truck, that is nearly impossible. I know with my car, I try and park where other people can park either in front or behind and I'm not blocking anybody. With this truck, I'll have to learn to just go. If I think I will get stuck, then I'll have to park more in the middle of the road. I will have to try and be arrogant.
I took the training so I can deliver Christmas parcels for overtime. Without the VOP, I wouldn't be allowed to. Eventually, everyone in Canada Post will have their own truck and deliver mail, parcels and pick up the mail in the street letter boxes in one area. Everyone will need a VOP then. I guess I'm just ahead of the curve.
Today, I had my driving test. It went quite well. I got stuck in the snow at the side of the road, but that was good. I was able to ask questions and do it with someone watching. That is my biggest fear about driving one of these trucks - getting stuck. I hate being in the way and with a big truck, that is nearly impossible. I know with my car, I try and park where other people can park either in front or behind and I'm not blocking anybody. With this truck, I'll have to learn to just go. If I think I will get stuck, then I'll have to park more in the middle of the road. I will have to try and be arrogant.
I took the training so I can deliver Christmas parcels for overtime. Without the VOP, I wouldn't be allowed to. Eventually, everyone in Canada Post will have their own truck and deliver mail, parcels and pick up the mail in the street letter boxes in one area. Everyone will need a VOP then. I guess I'm just ahead of the curve.
Monday, December 6, 2010
I just had to post these pictures again. I posted them a long time ago. (sorry, I'm not going to find it for you. It will be right here anyway!) But I was looking for it to submit to http://www.bariatrictv.com/
It honestly shocked and saddened me. There is big burden in my heart for her. I don't recognize her anymore. It's only been a year.
I had to wear clothes that I could find that fit. I didn't have the budget (even then) to buy new clothes or order online. I bought what I could find at the consignment store. That particular shirt didn't fit me that well. My boobs were too small, but it fit around my belly. At the time I didn't think it looked that bad. I did the best I could. No wonder people say I am a fashion maven now.
I am going to have to post this pic up somewhere where I can see it everyday. I need to remember what I did to my mind, my body and my spirit. I didn't know I had a choice. I didn't know that the voices in my head could be silenced or ignored. Now I know they can.
finally!
Yesterday after church we finally took my 1 year photos. It was more like 1 year and 2.5 weeks since my surgery, but that's ok. These days the couple of weeks don't make much of a difference.
The first picture is kind of a funny face, but at least it's expressive. The side view is a little disturbing with my hair all crazy. But since I've lost more than half my hair, it does hold curl a lot better. In my previous life, there was no way I could throw in a few curls with my curling iron and have them stay for hours. It's kind of nice that way.
Who woulda thunk that a year and 2.5 weeks could make such a difference. I'm still astounded.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I'm starting to think about it becoming to look a lot like Christmas
Today, I finally assembled the gingerbread houses that I baked last week and mixed the week before. It has taken quite a while to get to this stage. Now, I only need to get all the little goodies to put on the houses. sigh. It just never seems to be done.
The kids have been starting to bug me about getting the Christmas decorations up. I don't mind having decorations, but I must admit to being a bit of a scrooge when it comes to decorating, parties, etc. around Christmas. It seems like so much for something that is over in a flash. A couple of years, we didn't even put up a tree. But now that my daughter knows what is going on, we wont' get away with that anymore.
We also won't get away with not buying them anything. When they were toddlers, we would wrap up some of their old toys and give it to them again. They didn't know the difference and had just as much fun as if it was new.
The last 2 months have been surrounded by talk of Christmas. Where we will go, what we will do, but mainly what presents they want. My daughter took the Michael's flyer last week and checked off the things she thought she would like. Then my son chimed it and said everything without a checkmark is what he wants. I'm trying to prepare them for the let down of only one toy, pj's and a book from us. My daughter reminded me that we have a big family and they will get them gifts too.
oh well. I'm trying.
The kids have been starting to bug me about getting the Christmas decorations up. I don't mind having decorations, but I must admit to being a bit of a scrooge when it comes to decorating, parties, etc. around Christmas. It seems like so much for something that is over in a flash. A couple of years, we didn't even put up a tree. But now that my daughter knows what is going on, we wont' get away with that anymore.
We also won't get away with not buying them anything. When they were toddlers, we would wrap up some of their old toys and give it to them again. They didn't know the difference and had just as much fun as if it was new.
The last 2 months have been surrounded by talk of Christmas. Where we will go, what we will do, but mainly what presents they want. My daughter took the Michael's flyer last week and checked off the things she thought she would like. Then my son chimed it and said everything without a checkmark is what he wants. I'm trying to prepare them for the let down of only one toy, pj's and a book from us. My daughter reminded me that we have a big family and they will get them gifts too.
oh well. I'm trying.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
holidays
This week I am off from work. But as usual, I will have to return to work in order to get any rest!
I took a job painting a vacant apartment, my 3 kids and husband were all vomiting, our car broke down on the day we were the second coldest place on planet earth, my husband started a new job, my youngest is done with the vomiting, but now just cries incessantly - especially when put into bed, my dad is in the hospital - still, my mom wants me to clean her walls and baseboards, my MIL just found out she probably has to have her breast removed, my husband's birthday is on Sunday, my son's birthday is in 2 weeks, I have gingerbread dough in the fridge from Sunday waiting for me to cook up some houses for said son's birthday, I spent most of the afternoon on the couch, my monthly visitor arrived today. Hmmm. I'm sure there is more.
I'm hoping the Big Turk I just ate will solve all my problems and relieve all my anxiety. Do you think it will work? Hopefully it will at least stop the crying baby. Hey I know! If I give her one, then that should keep her quite for a little while at least.
I took a job painting a vacant apartment, my 3 kids and husband were all vomiting, our car broke down on the day we were the second coldest place on planet earth, my husband started a new job, my youngest is done with the vomiting, but now just cries incessantly - especially when put into bed, my dad is in the hospital - still, my mom wants me to clean her walls and baseboards, my MIL just found out she probably has to have her breast removed, my husband's birthday is on Sunday, my son's birthday is in 2 weeks, I have gingerbread dough in the fridge from Sunday waiting for me to cook up some houses for said son's birthday, I spent most of the afternoon on the couch, my monthly visitor arrived today. Hmmm. I'm sure there is more.
I'm hoping the Big Turk I just ate will solve all my problems and relieve all my anxiety. Do you think it will work? Hopefully it will at least stop the crying baby. Hey I know! If I give her one, then that should keep her quite for a little while at least.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
short and sweet (I hope!)
I wanted to say that today was my 1 year anniversary of the slicing and dicing. I can't believe it. What a difference a year makes. The most obvious is 146 pounds lost. The less obvious things include a new maturity, more physical ability, more energy, no more gawking by strangers, willingness to tackle hard things - like our budget-, I still overeat, but I have experienced freedom like I had never known.
Thank you, God.
Hopefully, we'll get some good pictures and post them soon. Of course, my version of soon seems to take a while!
Thank you, God.
Hopefully, we'll get some good pictures and post them soon. Of course, my version of soon seems to take a while!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
recommitment ceremony
Wow. 2 posts in one week. Will wonders never cease?
I want to talk about a couple of things.
one: I have had to recommit to eating properly. I am only 10 months out from my surgery and my eating has become really bad. I was eating a lot of carb based food. I would eat a bag of microwave popcorn most nights before bed. I would eat breads - whole wheat, white, banana, zucchini, you name it - and desserts and chips and chocolate. I would eat instead of drinking water. I would eat junk instead of getting my protein. I wouldn't take care of what I was eating because there was seemingly no consequence. My body is so used to digesting carbs and sugars, that I hardly dump at all. (The only thing that will cause me to dump severely and quickly is milk. more than 1/2 cup and I'm toast.)
Now, I have my consequence. And it is making me look in the mirror and decide my course of action. The scale has been bouncing in the low 180's for over a month. I have dipped as low as 179.2 but then back up again. This is the first time that I haven't dropped in a somewhat steady manner. It bothers me. So, now I know I have reached the point in time where what I put in my mouth does matter. Now, I am an obese *still* person trying to lose more weight as well as keep off what I have already lost.
I have been asking myself if I would be happy to stay at the weight I am now. And, the answer would be a qualified yes. I am ok at this weight. I fit into clothes, booths, cars, small spaces. Being 180 is not the end of the world. But I would not be "happy". I would again be disappointed in myself for not working harder. For not really giving it all I had. For not doing all I could to reach my goal of a normal bmi.
A good chunk of my life I have lived in fear. I am afraid of failing. So much so that I don't even try. If I don't try, I can't fail. For some reason, I would rather not apply for a job I might not get. I would rather not tell you I'm recommitting to eating healthier in case I feel I am unable to follow through. I have always had a hard time with the promises I make to myself. It is easy to break them. It's only me I'm letting down.
I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to follow through on the commitments I make to myself. I want to hold myself accountable instead of looking to other people to make me do what I am unwilling to make myself do. And then find that accountability doesn't work.
One of the greatest gifts I have received from this journey is the knowledge that I have choices. I never felt like I had a choice before. The compulsion to overeat and hide was so strong, that I didn't see a way out. Now I know my way out. I have been given the ability to see my choices. I know that I won't die if I don't eat: I hardly ate for weeks on end and made it through. I can choose to eat the treat or choose not to. For now, I believe I need to choose not to in order to reach my goals.
Again, for fear of failure, I never had goals before. The concept of consciously denying myself now in light of something bigger was foreign. After surgery was the first time I heard myself say, "no. I won't have that now because later I'm going to have that." Instead, I would eat whatever I wanted thinking I would deal with the effects later (such as keep up with my diet later) except that I never did deal with the consequences later. I would just keep going with my blinders on. Whenever I was faced with food, I would always indulge never weighing my options. Saying no because I had a plan was never an option to me. The plan that I might have had was not enough to keep my accountable.
So, all of this was to say that I have learned and grown in the last 10 months. But even so, it takes as much work as it always did.
I had a second point, didn't I. I think I will leave it for another day.
I want to talk about a couple of things.
one: I have had to recommit to eating properly. I am only 10 months out from my surgery and my eating has become really bad. I was eating a lot of carb based food. I would eat a bag of microwave popcorn most nights before bed. I would eat breads - whole wheat, white, banana, zucchini, you name it - and desserts and chips and chocolate. I would eat instead of drinking water. I would eat junk instead of getting my protein. I wouldn't take care of what I was eating because there was seemingly no consequence. My body is so used to digesting carbs and sugars, that I hardly dump at all. (The only thing that will cause me to dump severely and quickly is milk. more than 1/2 cup and I'm toast.)
Now, I have my consequence. And it is making me look in the mirror and decide my course of action. The scale has been bouncing in the low 180's for over a month. I have dipped as low as 179.2 but then back up again. This is the first time that I haven't dropped in a somewhat steady manner. It bothers me. So, now I know I have reached the point in time where what I put in my mouth does matter. Now, I am an obese *still* person trying to lose more weight as well as keep off what I have already lost.
I have been asking myself if I would be happy to stay at the weight I am now. And, the answer would be a qualified yes. I am ok at this weight. I fit into clothes, booths, cars, small spaces. Being 180 is not the end of the world. But I would not be "happy". I would again be disappointed in myself for not working harder. For not really giving it all I had. For not doing all I could to reach my goal of a normal bmi.
A good chunk of my life I have lived in fear. I am afraid of failing. So much so that I don't even try. If I don't try, I can't fail. For some reason, I would rather not apply for a job I might not get. I would rather not tell you I'm recommitting to eating healthier in case I feel I am unable to follow through. I have always had a hard time with the promises I make to myself. It is easy to break them. It's only me I'm letting down.
I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to follow through on the commitments I make to myself. I want to hold myself accountable instead of looking to other people to make me do what I am unwilling to make myself do. And then find that accountability doesn't work.
One of the greatest gifts I have received from this journey is the knowledge that I have choices. I never felt like I had a choice before. The compulsion to overeat and hide was so strong, that I didn't see a way out. Now I know my way out. I have been given the ability to see my choices. I know that I won't die if I don't eat: I hardly ate for weeks on end and made it through. I can choose to eat the treat or choose not to. For now, I believe I need to choose not to in order to reach my goals.
Again, for fear of failure, I never had goals before. The concept of consciously denying myself now in light of something bigger was foreign. After surgery was the first time I heard myself say, "no. I won't have that now because later I'm going to have that." Instead, I would eat whatever I wanted thinking I would deal with the effects later (such as keep up with my diet later) except that I never did deal with the consequences later. I would just keep going with my blinders on. Whenever I was faced with food, I would always indulge never weighing my options. Saying no because I had a plan was never an option to me. The plan that I might have had was not enough to keep my accountable.
So, all of this was to say that I have learned and grown in the last 10 months. But even so, it takes as much work as it always did.
I had a second point, didn't I. I think I will leave it for another day.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Welcome Back!
Hi. Long time no see.
Yeah. I know. There are a couple of things that have held me back from posting.
1) Blogger now requires me to login each time instead of remembering me. I know it's only a few seconds and a few keystrokes, but I tell you! It is sometimes the difference between checking in on my favourite blogs and surfing somewhere else!
2) It always seems to take forever to write whatever it is that I want to say. I just can't come in here and bang out a post in 10 minutes or less. Usually, it's closer to 30 or 45 minutes.
Yeah. I know. Suck it up, Buttercup!
So, what's been going on?
Weight wise, I have really slowed down on my loss. I'm now down 140. I have been here for about a month. My poor food choices and lack of exercise lately has really had an impact in this department. I've been eating a lot of sugar and bread. I made bread on the weekend - it was really, really, really good - and cookies too. Now I have an excuse to eat them. They are here.
I've also been eating a lot of popcorn. No. Not the healthy stuff.
And really, anything else that has a reputation for being fattening.
My self talk has started to include lines about using my ability to choose better things for myself. With my surgery, I learned that I can choose to eat healthy - or not eat at all. Lately, I haven't been taking that option.
My dad has been in the hospital since August 27. He went in with a heart infection that antibiotics couldn't get. Then he had open heart surgery and was battling the infection still after that. His breathing tube was taken out only a few days ago along with reducing the drugs that were keeping him sedated and paralyzed. He has gone through a lot, but he has an aweful lot more to do if he is going to recover and live a somewhat normal life. But he has made amazing progress. He has been seriously beating down heaven's door, but God has decided to keep it closed a while longer.
I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago. Hence the lack of exercise. (It is so nice to get paid to exercise and really leaves a void when I'm not working. I don't have a routine to follow and therefore, little exercise actually happens.) I could probably walk a bit this week, but I have a pretty plum assignment for the week, so I will walk next week.
We have still been working on living within our means. I'm not sure we are quite living below, but I do think we are living within them. Did I tell you about the massive hole we dug ourselves into??? Let's just say that our interest payments are $700 a month. We (as in Norm) are working on getting our house ready to sell. The market is aweful, but I believe that we at least need to get it ready and listed and then God will show us what will happen after that. He can definitely provide us a buyer that will pay the price we need. Or, he can not provide a buyer and we can continue to live here. Or, he cannot provide a buyer and we can rent out our house and rent somewhere else. I'm not too concerned about the house thing. Where I do get concerned is our day to day budget and covering expenses. We always seem to find extra bills that take up any extra money that we may have. Today, we got a bill for a speeding ticket that I asked Norm to negotiate on. He didn't and now instead of just the ticket, we now also have a late fee. sigh. I guess we are too poor to speed!
My son, who is almost 5, is starting to be creative. Just in the last month he has started to play with lego and building towers and birds and tunnels and whatever else he can manage. It is really nice to see. He has never shown this kind of interest and intensity in one thing before. Usually, he will play with something for a bit, then leave it for a long time. Now, he is going back and back and back to the same thing making it new each time. I love it! Maybe he will be ready for kindergarten next year. LOL.
Those are the main things going on. Thanks for reading!
Yeah. I know. There are a couple of things that have held me back from posting.
1) Blogger now requires me to login each time instead of remembering me. I know it's only a few seconds and a few keystrokes, but I tell you! It is sometimes the difference between checking in on my favourite blogs and surfing somewhere else!
2) It always seems to take forever to write whatever it is that I want to say. I just can't come in here and bang out a post in 10 minutes or less. Usually, it's closer to 30 or 45 minutes.
Yeah. I know. Suck it up, Buttercup!
So, what's been going on?
Weight wise, I have really slowed down on my loss. I'm now down 140. I have been here for about a month. My poor food choices and lack of exercise lately has really had an impact in this department. I've been eating a lot of sugar and bread. I made bread on the weekend - it was really, really, really good - and cookies too. Now I have an excuse to eat them. They are here.
I've also been eating a lot of popcorn. No. Not the healthy stuff.
And really, anything else that has a reputation for being fattening.
My self talk has started to include lines about using my ability to choose better things for myself. With my surgery, I learned that I can choose to eat healthy - or not eat at all. Lately, I haven't been taking that option.
My dad has been in the hospital since August 27. He went in with a heart infection that antibiotics couldn't get. Then he had open heart surgery and was battling the infection still after that. His breathing tube was taken out only a few days ago along with reducing the drugs that were keeping him sedated and paralyzed. He has gone through a lot, but he has an aweful lot more to do if he is going to recover and live a somewhat normal life. But he has made amazing progress. He has been seriously beating down heaven's door, but God has decided to keep it closed a while longer.
I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago. Hence the lack of exercise. (It is so nice to get paid to exercise and really leaves a void when I'm not working. I don't have a routine to follow and therefore, little exercise actually happens.) I could probably walk a bit this week, but I have a pretty plum assignment for the week, so I will walk next week.
We have still been working on living within our means. I'm not sure we are quite living below, but I do think we are living within them. Did I tell you about the massive hole we dug ourselves into??? Let's just say that our interest payments are $700 a month. We (as in Norm) are working on getting our house ready to sell. The market is aweful, but I believe that we at least need to get it ready and listed and then God will show us what will happen after that. He can definitely provide us a buyer that will pay the price we need. Or, he can not provide a buyer and we can continue to live here. Or, he cannot provide a buyer and we can rent out our house and rent somewhere else. I'm not too concerned about the house thing. Where I do get concerned is our day to day budget and covering expenses. We always seem to find extra bills that take up any extra money that we may have. Today, we got a bill for a speeding ticket that I asked Norm to negotiate on. He didn't and now instead of just the ticket, we now also have a late fee. sigh. I guess we are too poor to speed!
My son, who is almost 5, is starting to be creative. Just in the last month he has started to play with lego and building towers and birds and tunnels and whatever else he can manage. It is really nice to see. He has never shown this kind of interest and intensity in one thing before. Usually, he will play with something for a bit, then leave it for a long time. Now, he is going back and back and back to the same thing making it new each time. I love it! Maybe he will be ready for kindergarten next year. LOL.
Those are the main things going on. Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Ummm...
It's been a month less a day since I have posted. I have often sat here thinking I should post something, that I have stuff to say, but I get stuck in the starting. What title? What should I start with? I don't want to make it too short, but when I write something long, it takes so much time!
Anyway, here I am.
The last couple of days, numerous people have asked when I was due. It wasn't even a question such as; "Are you pregnant?" but they had already made that leap and just cut to the chase.
I've been chuckling about it to myself because when I was fat, fat, fat, no one dared ask if I was pregnant. In fact I remember being 9 months pregnant telling people who were then surprised. They had assumed it was all fat. One lady at work said that if you were a woman, you could tell I was pregnant rather than just fat, but women didn't even venture into this territory.
Now, that I am more a normal size (I guess) people assume my belly is a baby not just a buddha.
To be honest, it's mainly a glob of skin. It stretches out like bat wings and flops around when I run. I am quite obsessive about getting plastic surgery to get it cut off. I still have about 40 lbs to lose in order to have a "normal BMI", but I often wonder how much my extra skin weighs? I want to find a place to put my scale where I can weigh my buddha belly to get an idea.
My upper thighs have a lot of skin too. So much skin in fact, that it's hard to get a good shave. I can't hold the skin tight enough for the razor to get any tracking. It's fine for now. I don't think anyone is interested in looking at my leg hair!
I'm heading in for my 9 month post op appointment probably next week. I will ask my doctor about getting the reconstructive surgery covered in the public system. My belly really does hang very low. In fact, I think it is still about as low as it was when I was my heaviest. It has just shrunk and deflated like a stretched out balloon. So, at this point, I don't think it is just vanity (although I'm sure there is some of that too.) but a health -mental?- issue. It is something I am willing to pay for like my WLS, but that wouldn't be possible for many years.
Like I said, I just passed my 9 month mark. I am down 136 lbs so far. It's really mind boggling. I only have 4 more pounds to go until my BMI is only *overweight*!
This month I have also had my 9th wedding anniversary and my birthday is in 2 days. I am getting old! You know, I always thought I would be in a different place when I was my age now. Oh well.
I'll give a shout out to my loyal followers -
Seph, I'm glad to read you again. I have been praying for you as you come to mind.
Anne Margaret, I hope you life will settle into everything you hope for.
bye! Hopefully it won't be a month 'til the next time.
I'll post my most recent update photos. You can compare them with the before pics earlier in my blog.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
He wouldn't dare!
Today I cried in church, flipped out on the kids, flipped out on the husband, had a hard time enjoying our beautiful lunch spot, took the kids to old mcdonald's for supper.
Do you see a theme? I think my hormones are wacky again.
I noticed a few months ago, now that my periods are regular, that a couple of days before that TOM comes, that I am a little looney. For example, I will not be angry, but then scream for some minor infraction. I think today was one of those days.
Of course, Norm wouldn't say. He wouldn't dare. (I actually don't think he knows about this connection yet!)
So hopefully it has now passed.
In other news...
I think we will work on installing a bathroom in our basement. We came up with the idea of getting a boarder to live with us. Someone who could use our kitchen and house generally, but have their own room in the basement. It is a nice balance between putting a suite in the basement and yet still getting some extra money coming in. In fact, room and board brings in almost as much as renting a 1 bedroom basement suite would bring. I think by the time we actually get the bathroom done, we will be too late for the back to school crowd. But we'll work on it.
In related news...
Because of Norm's road trip, our mastercard is back up again. We don't have the money to pay it off. This stresses me out. We are working so hard to be careful with our money, and then this happens. We can't afford him to be on road trips. He spent something like $400 in gas in 2 weeks! plus he has a $450 hotel bill. And his income has only been $300 for the last 2 weeks. UGG!
So, I don't want to go into debt to put in this bathroom. But I'm torn. Without it, I'm not sure we can really offer up a room which will bring us about $500 a month. But going into debt, even to do this, is a bad idea. In the past, it would have been easy for me to charge it. Now, I really want to live differently. I hate being in bondage to this monster that we created. It really feels like we will never, ever be financially free. ugg. At least I know I am spiritually free.
Last night I made my amazing choc chip cookies. I really love these. I think they are the best I have ever, ever tasted. Most people tell me the same thing. I don't keep a lot of sweets in the house. Mainly because they tend to be fairly expensive and also because I would tend to eat them all. Maybe that is why they are so expensive!
I made them because I wanted to binge. I wanted to eat something sweet and eat a lot. I wouldn't say I was stressed out, but I was definitely unsettled. I ate about 4 or 5 cookies worth of dough, I think. Then I had another few cooked. (I usually prefer the dough.) Today I was munching on them throughout the day too.
Just now, as this was going through my mind, I wondered if there is a hormonal connection. A lot of women talk about eating more junk when their period comes. Hmmm. Interesting.
Do you see a theme? I think my hormones are wacky again.
I noticed a few months ago, now that my periods are regular, that a couple of days before that TOM comes, that I am a little looney. For example, I will not be angry, but then scream for some minor infraction. I think today was one of those days.
Of course, Norm wouldn't say. He wouldn't dare. (I actually don't think he knows about this connection yet!)
So hopefully it has now passed.
In other news...
I think we will work on installing a bathroom in our basement. We came up with the idea of getting a boarder to live with us. Someone who could use our kitchen and house generally, but have their own room in the basement. It is a nice balance between putting a suite in the basement and yet still getting some extra money coming in. In fact, room and board brings in almost as much as renting a 1 bedroom basement suite would bring. I think by the time we actually get the bathroom done, we will be too late for the back to school crowd. But we'll work on it.
In related news...
Because of Norm's road trip, our mastercard is back up again. We don't have the money to pay it off. This stresses me out. We are working so hard to be careful with our money, and then this happens. We can't afford him to be on road trips. He spent something like $400 in gas in 2 weeks! plus he has a $450 hotel bill. And his income has only been $300 for the last 2 weeks. UGG!
So, I don't want to go into debt to put in this bathroom. But I'm torn. Without it, I'm not sure we can really offer up a room which will bring us about $500 a month. But going into debt, even to do this, is a bad idea. In the past, it would have been easy for me to charge it. Now, I really want to live differently. I hate being in bondage to this monster that we created. It really feels like we will never, ever be financially free. ugg. At least I know I am spiritually free.
Last night I made my amazing choc chip cookies. I really love these. I think they are the best I have ever, ever tasted. Most people tell me the same thing. I don't keep a lot of sweets in the house. Mainly because they tend to be fairly expensive and also because I would tend to eat them all. Maybe that is why they are so expensive!
I made them because I wanted to binge. I wanted to eat something sweet and eat a lot. I wouldn't say I was stressed out, but I was definitely unsettled. I ate about 4 or 5 cookies worth of dough, I think. Then I had another few cooked. (I usually prefer the dough.) Today I was munching on them throughout the day too.
Just now, as this was going through my mind, I wondered if there is a hormonal connection. A lot of women talk about eating more junk when their period comes. Hmmm. Interesting.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
TMI alert... alert... alert...
This is something I don't share with anyone. My SIL knows but mainly from observation rather than direct conversation. My husband knows - but he's lived with me for almost 9 years. I have no idea if my parents ever knew. Or if anyone else could tell from what I was wearing.
For those of you who have been morbidly obese, this will probably not shock you. For the rest... cover your eyes.
So, I have basically worn a pad everyday of my life since I was in university. My bladder leaked all day every day. I remember wondering why I was wet in high school, how I could get everything out, but there would always be that little bit left. My pants would be damp and of course there would be an odour. I don't think I did anything about it then. I was too embarrassed to even buy pads at the time.
I was so embarrassed, I never mentioned it to my doctors. I was so embarrassed, that I have never really confessed it to anyone.
Thinking back, I started wearing pads because while the constant leaking was not nice, it was the stress incontinence from laughing or movement that was really embarrassing. I like to play games and when I would play I would usually laugh. Then I would be wet. I would think about how my pants would be able to hide the evidence. Usually I would try to be last to leave the area so no one would be able to see my behind. (even writing this now, 15-20 years later, is difficult.)
With a pad, I was usually safe even if I was laughing. Safe that is, except if it (I still can't bring myself to use the "u" word) squished up my bum. But it usually wasn't too bad. So for literally decades, I have worn a pad every day. Some days would be better than others, but when I would try to go without, I would discover that nothing had changed.
I'm not sure what weight I was - maybe somewhere around the 205 mark - I went without a pad. I remember reading about some women being cured of their stress incontinence and wondered if I had been cured of mine.
I chose a day that I didn't have to work. Because there is so much jarring, I didn't have that much faith I would be cured. That day I stayed dry. It was amazing to me. Finally I wouldn't have to have all those chemicals by my private parts all the time. So, since then, I haven't worn a pad on non-work days.
But here is the juicy part! Today was the second day I didn't wear a pad during work! Some of you know I am a letter carrier. On my route I have about 5000 stairs. I don't do them all everyday, but I probably would do 3-4000. I go fairly fast down these stairs and all the pressure from my belly would just push "it" out.
Except now, for 2 whole work days, my bladder has withstood all those G-forces! Today was a real test too. I really had to go! There aren't any pit stops, so unless I can't do anything but ask to use someone's washroom, I hold it. I made it through. Now, there was a little dampness, but that was probably more from sweat than anything else. Today, as I walked down the feminine protection isle at the grocery store, I thought to myself, "I don't need you anymore! Except for my REGULAR monthly cycle." That is extra money in my grocery budget! Yaaaayyy!
I hope I haven't scared you all off. But you know, I need to document this kind of stuff too!
ps. Since we have been talking about my nether region... I have lost weight there too. And now when I open my legs, my "lips" open too. This must happen to all women of "normal" size. Doesn't that bother you? I've been so fat, that they always stayed closed. Now when ever I stretch my legs out - like to get out of the car - I get a new, interesting sensation. Do you know about this kind of thing?
For those of you who have been morbidly obese, this will probably not shock you. For the rest... cover your eyes.
So, I have basically worn a pad everyday of my life since I was in university. My bladder leaked all day every day. I remember wondering why I was wet in high school, how I could get everything out, but there would always be that little bit left. My pants would be damp and of course there would be an odour. I don't think I did anything about it then. I was too embarrassed to even buy pads at the time.
I was so embarrassed, I never mentioned it to my doctors. I was so embarrassed, that I have never really confessed it to anyone.
Thinking back, I started wearing pads because while the constant leaking was not nice, it was the stress incontinence from laughing or movement that was really embarrassing. I like to play games and when I would play I would usually laugh. Then I would be wet. I would think about how my pants would be able to hide the evidence. Usually I would try to be last to leave the area so no one would be able to see my behind. (even writing this now, 15-20 years later, is difficult.)
With a pad, I was usually safe even if I was laughing. Safe that is, except if it (I still can't bring myself to use the "u" word) squished up my bum. But it usually wasn't too bad. So for literally decades, I have worn a pad every day. Some days would be better than others, but when I would try to go without, I would discover that nothing had changed.
I'm not sure what weight I was - maybe somewhere around the 205 mark - I went without a pad. I remember reading about some women being cured of their stress incontinence and wondered if I had been cured of mine.
I chose a day that I didn't have to work. Because there is so much jarring, I didn't have that much faith I would be cured. That day I stayed dry. It was amazing to me. Finally I wouldn't have to have all those chemicals by my private parts all the time. So, since then, I haven't worn a pad on non-work days.
But here is the juicy part! Today was the second day I didn't wear a pad during work! Some of you know I am a letter carrier. On my route I have about 5000 stairs. I don't do them all everyday, but I probably would do 3-4000. I go fairly fast down these stairs and all the pressure from my belly would just push "it" out.
Except now, for 2 whole work days, my bladder has withstood all those G-forces! Today was a real test too. I really had to go! There aren't any pit stops, so unless I can't do anything but ask to use someone's washroom, I hold it. I made it through. Now, there was a little dampness, but that was probably more from sweat than anything else. Today, as I walked down the feminine protection isle at the grocery store, I thought to myself, "I don't need you anymore! Except for my REGULAR monthly cycle." That is extra money in my grocery budget! Yaaaayyy!
I hope I haven't scared you all off. But you know, I need to document this kind of stuff too!
ps. Since we have been talking about my nether region... I have lost weight there too. And now when I open my legs, my "lips" open too. This must happen to all women of "normal" size. Doesn't that bother you? I've been so fat, that they always stayed closed. Now when ever I stretch my legs out - like to get out of the car - I get a new, interesting sensation. Do you know about this kind of thing?
Saturday, July 17, 2010
earbuds
So, I have had a couple of iPods over the years. The first one died on me. The 2nd one fell down a drain in the middle of winter. Because the snow was white and the iPod was white, I had little chance of seeing it. The latest one I have had for a surprisingly long time... about 3 years. I bought it with my airmiles. (It's a turquoise green colour.)
One thing I go through is earphones. I have never liked the earbuds that come with the iPods. They hurt my ear and never really stayed where they should. I never knew how everyone could use theirs because mine were so uncomfortable. Instead I would buy the over the ear kind so that they would hang on by themselves instead of having to "balance" in my ear.
My earphones only last a little while - less than a year for sure. Maybe more like 6 months. The wires would get bent or something. The sound would start to get scratchy then there would be no sound at all. This happened to me at work on Thursday. About half way through my route, I lost my connection.
I don't really want to buy a new set because I don't know where we would take the money from. Last week I spent $30 of my grocery money for a new sprinkler and hose. Our extras jar doesn't have a lot of extras either. It's not a need, but quite a big WANT.
A while ago, I had rounded up my unused earbuds from my ipods and tried to freecycle them. The guy never came to pick them up. They have been sitting on my kitchen counter for months as I thought about what to do with them. I didn't want to throw them out. I was probably going to refreecycle them, but hadn't gotten around to it yet.
So I pulled them out. I was pretty leery at first. Expecting the pressure and then pain of the earbud in my ear. I was waiting for them to keep falling out every time I moved my head. Surprise, surprise, they didn't!
As I was marvelling about this, it came to mind that I guess I had FAT EARS! My mom always told me I have small ears - as in they are less than 3 inches high, and that is what I attributed the bad-fitting earbuds to. Now I know the truth! Even my ears were fat. I guess it makes sense, but I still shake my head in wonder. huh! Who ever heard of fat ears?!?!?!?!?
One thing I go through is earphones. I have never liked the earbuds that come with the iPods. They hurt my ear and never really stayed where they should. I never knew how everyone could use theirs because mine were so uncomfortable. Instead I would buy the over the ear kind so that they would hang on by themselves instead of having to "balance" in my ear.
My earphones only last a little while - less than a year for sure. Maybe more like 6 months. The wires would get bent or something. The sound would start to get scratchy then there would be no sound at all. This happened to me at work on Thursday. About half way through my route, I lost my connection.
I don't really want to buy a new set because I don't know where we would take the money from. Last week I spent $30 of my grocery money for a new sprinkler and hose. Our extras jar doesn't have a lot of extras either. It's not a need, but quite a big WANT.
A while ago, I had rounded up my unused earbuds from my ipods and tried to freecycle them. The guy never came to pick them up. They have been sitting on my kitchen counter for months as I thought about what to do with them. I didn't want to throw them out. I was probably going to refreecycle them, but hadn't gotten around to it yet.
So I pulled them out. I was pretty leery at first. Expecting the pressure and then pain of the earbud in my ear. I was waiting for them to keep falling out every time I moved my head. Surprise, surprise, they didn't!
As I was marvelling about this, it came to mind that I guess I had FAT EARS! My mom always told me I have small ears - as in they are less than 3 inches high, and that is what I attributed the bad-fitting earbuds to. Now I know the truth! Even my ears were fat. I guess it makes sense, but I still shake my head in wonder. huh! Who ever heard of fat ears?!?!?!?!?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
It's all about the numbers
I weigh everyday. Naked, after I have peed, when I first get out of bed.
It is a struggle to see the numbers. Some days they are not going down fast enough, sometimes they are going up and sometimes they stay the same for way (weigh) too long.
As I mentioned before, last week I started gaining a few pounds. A big chunk of that is not working. Walking 3 hours has it's benefits! But I have been eating too much - and too much junk in particular - to maintain where I am now. The sad part is that I still have 50 pounds to lose!
But for me, I think it is important to weigh every day. I want to learn that it is just a number. Normal women's weight fluctuates and so will mine.
Ok. That might just be a rationalization. I can probably learn as much from not weighing as from weighing. But I like knowing my number. Self esteem issues be darned.
It is a struggle to see the numbers. Some days they are not going down fast enough, sometimes they are going up and sometimes they stay the same for way (weigh) too long.
As I mentioned before, last week I started gaining a few pounds. A big chunk of that is not working. Walking 3 hours has it's benefits! But I have been eating too much - and too much junk in particular - to maintain where I am now. The sad part is that I still have 50 pounds to lose!
But for me, I think it is important to weigh every day. I want to learn that it is just a number. Normal women's weight fluctuates and so will mine.
Ok. That might just be a rationalization. I can probably learn as much from not weighing as from weighing. But I like knowing my number. Self esteem issues be darned.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
"You're not fat anymore"
This caught me completely by surprise. While we were at the beach yesterday, my friend said this to me, "Well one thing we can say for sure is that you are not fat anymore."
It was like a spring was attached to my head as it spun around.
It's funny that she would say this now. It has been the last couple of weeks that I have felt *FAT* again. My loss has really slowed and the last few days I am up 2 lbs. My belly looks fuller and the skin seems to be not as wrinkled.
I have been on holidays 3 out of the last 4 weeks. So, I am not walking for 3 hours a day and my eating is worse because I am grazing. I have been making more cookies and muffins and that kind of stuff for the kids but also as gifts (since our money is so tight these days) and as I make them I also eat them.
Now, the work begins. The mental work of planning and making good choices. The physical work of planned and scheduled exercise.
To be honest I'm not looking forward to it. It just brings back a lot of memories of defeat and helplessness.
Maybe it doesn't have to be that way this time.
It was like a spring was attached to my head as it spun around.
It's funny that she would say this now. It has been the last couple of weeks that I have felt *FAT* again. My loss has really slowed and the last few days I am up 2 lbs. My belly looks fuller and the skin seems to be not as wrinkled.
I have been on holidays 3 out of the last 4 weeks. So, I am not walking for 3 hours a day and my eating is worse because I am grazing. I have been making more cookies and muffins and that kind of stuff for the kids but also as gifts (since our money is so tight these days) and as I make them I also eat them.
Now, the work begins. The mental work of planning and making good choices. The physical work of planned and scheduled exercise.
To be honest I'm not looking forward to it. It just brings back a lot of memories of defeat and helplessness.
Maybe it doesn't have to be that way this time.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Beach day!
Hi!
I just got back from a wonderful day at the beach. We went to Dickson point on Glennifer Lake. It was a bit of a drive, but the beach was perfect with sand to play, cool water and even a tree for shade. It wasn't very busy even on a hot summer day. Later in the day when the storm clouds threatened to come our way, we light a fire and roasted marshmallows just back from the beach. It was perfect.
Definitely a place to check out if you are in southern/central Alberta.
Here's a link for a bit more info.
http://sunsite.ualberta.ca/Projects/Alberta-Lakes/view/?region=South%20Saskatchewan%20Region&basin=Red%20Deer%20River%20Basin&lake=Gleniffer%20Lake&number=101
I just got back from a wonderful day at the beach. We went to Dickson point on Glennifer Lake. It was a bit of a drive, but the beach was perfect with sand to play, cool water and even a tree for shade. It wasn't very busy even on a hot summer day. Later in the day when the storm clouds threatened to come our way, we light a fire and roasted marshmallows just back from the beach. It was perfect.
Definitely a place to check out if you are in southern/central Alberta.
Here's a link for a bit more info.
http://sunsite.ualberta.ca/Projects/Alberta-Lakes/view/?region=South%20Saskatchewan%20Region&basin=Red%20Deer%20River%20Basin&lake=Gleniffer%20Lake&number=101
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Obsessed
I've started watching a bit more tv lately. I guess it is in place of my computer time as I've been cutting that back a bit.
Monday nights are one of my favourite tv nights. I keep it on A&E all night. Last night I watched 2 episodes of Obsessed back to back. I would have continued with Intervention, but it was one I already saw and shock of shocks, I turned the tv off.
Something about these shows really resonates with me. The addictions, the compulsions, the helplessness. I watch the people and get glimpses of myself and my state of mind. I see how bad their situations are and wonder how long it would take me to get to the same place. Sometimes I know I am already past them.
I am coming up to a new place in my eating where I am able to eat more. I am able to tolerate most foods. Not much seems to get stuck anymore. The other day we were out visiting and I ate an entire sandwich for lunch. Mind you, it wasn't one of those HUGE sandwiches - just 2 pieces of bread, some cucumber, tomato, and a few slices of meat. But I ate the whole thing. I was kind of surprised. Was it too much? Should I have eaten that much?
Lately I have been eating a lot more carbs. I have not been drinking en0ugh water or eating enough protein. The rules that I was able to ignore earlier out, are starting to become important. I now need to make an effort to eat my protein first, limit starchy carbs and almost eliminate sugar. (Did you catch that?!?!? I said "almost eliminate." I can't even type the idea that I have to give up sugar!)
Some of my old bad habits are creeping back in - like eating whatever it is that is out. I made rice krispie squares for the kids yesterday. I didn't pack them up so they were out of sight. Instead I kept on taking a bit here and a bit there. Then a few minutes later, a bit more. I ate about 1/2 the pan. Finally, this morning (after eating some) I put them in bags for the kids. Almost instantly, I was able to not eat them. Once I had gone through the motion of putting them away, they were out of my mind.
Last night when I got home with the kids, Norm had popcorn out. I hadn't even been thinking of popcorn. But since I saw it and smelled it, then I had to have some. I popped my own and then melted some extra butter to put on top. I ate it while watching Obsessed.
In my past, I was definitely on the "see food" diet. You know, whatever I saw I ate. Or, if I didn't eat it then, I would search it out later. Of course always eating way more than my share.
This is where my new thought has come in. The treatment for the people who have OCD on Obsessed is "exposure therapy." Where the therapist walks them through something they would normally compulse and obsess about. Except that they aren't allowed to follow through with what they want to do. It causes a lot of stress and anxiety. They then have to sit with the feelings until they diminish.
I'm thinking that this might be something I could work on in relation to my food. As I blogged about earlier, food - especially sugary food - has a strong attraction for me. When I try to avoid the food, I become anxious. The anxiety heightens until I eat some. And usually, I am not able to control the amount I eat after I start.
After having gastric bypass, I felt so free from this compulsion to eat. I couldn't believe how I didn't even want to eat. I didn't really think it would return. Now that it has, I need to find a solution to deal with it. I need to be able to leave food on the counter without it having so much power over me. Maybe this exposure therapy can help.
Ok. Now I feel like "bad" Christian. I also believe that this compulsion is spiritual in nature and that food in my life is not yet under the Lordship of Christ. Why would I need exposure therapy when Christ is all sufficient? When I depose food from it's place of worship in my life, wouldn't that take care of it? *SIGH* I don't know.
Monday nights are one of my favourite tv nights. I keep it on A&E all night. Last night I watched 2 episodes of Obsessed back to back. I would have continued with Intervention, but it was one I already saw and shock of shocks, I turned the tv off.
Something about these shows really resonates with me. The addictions, the compulsions, the helplessness. I watch the people and get glimpses of myself and my state of mind. I see how bad their situations are and wonder how long it would take me to get to the same place. Sometimes I know I am already past them.
I am coming up to a new place in my eating where I am able to eat more. I am able to tolerate most foods. Not much seems to get stuck anymore. The other day we were out visiting and I ate an entire sandwich for lunch. Mind you, it wasn't one of those HUGE sandwiches - just 2 pieces of bread, some cucumber, tomato, and a few slices of meat. But I ate the whole thing. I was kind of surprised. Was it too much? Should I have eaten that much?
Lately I have been eating a lot more carbs. I have not been drinking en0ugh water or eating enough protein. The rules that I was able to ignore earlier out, are starting to become important. I now need to make an effort to eat my protein first, limit starchy carbs and almost eliminate sugar. (Did you catch that?!?!? I said "almost eliminate." I can't even type the idea that I have to give up sugar!)
Some of my old bad habits are creeping back in - like eating whatever it is that is out. I made rice krispie squares for the kids yesterday. I didn't pack them up so they were out of sight. Instead I kept on taking a bit here and a bit there. Then a few minutes later, a bit more. I ate about 1/2 the pan. Finally, this morning (after eating some) I put them in bags for the kids. Almost instantly, I was able to not eat them. Once I had gone through the motion of putting them away, they were out of my mind.
Last night when I got home with the kids, Norm had popcorn out. I hadn't even been thinking of popcorn. But since I saw it and smelled it, then I had to have some. I popped my own and then melted some extra butter to put on top. I ate it while watching Obsessed.
In my past, I was definitely on the "see food" diet. You know, whatever I saw I ate. Or, if I didn't eat it then, I would search it out later. Of course always eating way more than my share.
This is where my new thought has come in. The treatment for the people who have OCD on Obsessed is "exposure therapy." Where the therapist walks them through something they would normally compulse and obsess about. Except that they aren't allowed to follow through with what they want to do. It causes a lot of stress and anxiety. They then have to sit with the feelings until they diminish.
I'm thinking that this might be something I could work on in relation to my food. As I blogged about earlier, food - especially sugary food - has a strong attraction for me. When I try to avoid the food, I become anxious. The anxiety heightens until I eat some. And usually, I am not able to control the amount I eat after I start.
After having gastric bypass, I felt so free from this compulsion to eat. I couldn't believe how I didn't even want to eat. I didn't really think it would return. Now that it has, I need to find a solution to deal with it. I need to be able to leave food on the counter without it having so much power over me. Maybe this exposure therapy can help.
Ok. Now I feel like "bad" Christian. I also believe that this compulsion is spiritual in nature and that food in my life is not yet under the Lordship of Christ. Why would I need exposure therapy when Christ is all sufficient? When I depose food from it's place of worship in my life, wouldn't that take care of it? *SIGH* I don't know.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
life and stuff
I am slowly getting the hang of being alone. But not entirely alone, that would be fun. No, this is alone with 3 mini-me's. It's funny, because I say this after Norm has been home most of the week! But last week he was gone 7 nights in a row.
Basically it comes down to the fact that I always seem to want what I don't have. When I was home full time, I wanted some time away from the family. Now that I am working full time and away, I wouldn't mind being home full time. Actually, it's not quite like that. It's that I would like to not have the same workload at home when I get home from full time job that I used to have when I didn't have full time job. Hmmmm. This is sounding vaguely familiar. Have I posted about this a time or TEN!
I don't think Norm pulls his weight when it comes to the house. His time with the kids and at home is usually spent organizing his office or watching movies with the kids. When I am at home, I am doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, getting the kids to do their chores, laundry, or whiling away the hours online. (I AM working on cutting back - seriously!)
Here is where the rubber meets the road. I am very selfish. "Doesn't he know that I work fulltime? Doesn't he feel the pressure to cook and clean and have the house somewhat organized for at least 30 seconds during the day? Why should I have to come home and do all the stuff I used to do without the job? I am tired when I come home!" are just a few of the things that run through my head at any given point in the afternoon/evening as i do the things to manage the house. But I guess I have to accept some sort of new normal where I need to do more. I need to require more of myself. I might be getting closer to the acceptance of the new normal, but it is reluctant. I'm sure there has been much kicking and screaming along the way too.
I'm taking the 2 older kids camping with my SIL /bff tomorrow for the night. We are just going for one night this time and maybe it will lead to more. Before we had kids I really enjoyed camping (ie. tenting) but Norm wasn't so keen. We went a couple of times. Since kids, I don't think I have tented at all. The kids are really excited. While I tend to think that it will be more work, I am excited too. It is nice to get away and enjoy creation. Reconnect with things a bit more naturally. I'll let you know how it goes.
We are in the 4th week of our new budget. Things are going well. I think. It's starting to get harder now. Where there are things we "need" but aren't in the budget. Last week, there was only money left in the transportation budget. That is also meant to carry over to pay for repairs and maintenance. Norm used some of that money for an afternoon of fun with his office. I have used some of the money floating around to pay for extras. We are starting to run out of the floating money too.
Being mature sucks! Since my surgery, I have matured. I am more willing and able to delay gratification. I can do what needs to be done instead of leaving it because I don't' want to do it. I haven't touched my cross stitch. I haven't read much lately. There might be time, but right now I am spending all of my "spare" time on the computer. If I gave up my computer time, I could read or cross stitch. Or, I could start some projects to finish the house. (Did I mention that part of our budget includes selling the house?)
Having said that, I have reverted back to some of my more immature eating habits. Today I bought candy. I have been eating it all day today. Granted, I would have finished it all already 8 months ago. But I know better now. I know I have a choice. I know what I need to eat to nourish my body. I know I need to be choosy about what I put in my mouth. I don't even like the candy I have been eating, but I have been eating it anyway. Shame on me! I do know better. Why am I not doing it?!?!? Time to go back for a talk with the shrink!
Wow. I wrote another book. Sorry. Maybe I should try writing something even when I don't think I have anything to write. Then they will actually be a more manageable size!
Well, I guess I should go do the dishes now. yippee...
Basically it comes down to the fact that I always seem to want what I don't have. When I was home full time, I wanted some time away from the family. Now that I am working full time and away, I wouldn't mind being home full time. Actually, it's not quite like that. It's that I would like to not have the same workload at home when I get home from full time job that I used to have when I didn't have full time job. Hmmmm. This is sounding vaguely familiar. Have I posted about this a time or TEN!
I don't think Norm pulls his weight when it comes to the house. His time with the kids and at home is usually spent organizing his office or watching movies with the kids. When I am at home, I am doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, getting the kids to do their chores, laundry, or whiling away the hours online. (I AM working on cutting back - seriously!)
Here is where the rubber meets the road. I am very selfish. "Doesn't he know that I work fulltime? Doesn't he feel the pressure to cook and clean and have the house somewhat organized for at least 30 seconds during the day? Why should I have to come home and do all the stuff I used to do without the job? I am tired when I come home!" are just a few of the things that run through my head at any given point in the afternoon/evening as i do the things to manage the house. But I guess I have to accept some sort of new normal where I need to do more. I need to require more of myself. I might be getting closer to the acceptance of the new normal, but it is reluctant. I'm sure there has been much kicking and screaming along the way too.
I'm taking the 2 older kids camping with my SIL /bff tomorrow for the night. We are just going for one night this time and maybe it will lead to more. Before we had kids I really enjoyed camping (ie. tenting) but Norm wasn't so keen. We went a couple of times. Since kids, I don't think I have tented at all. The kids are really excited. While I tend to think that it will be more work, I am excited too. It is nice to get away and enjoy creation. Reconnect with things a bit more naturally. I'll let you know how it goes.
We are in the 4th week of our new budget. Things are going well. I think. It's starting to get harder now. Where there are things we "need" but aren't in the budget. Last week, there was only money left in the transportation budget. That is also meant to carry over to pay for repairs and maintenance. Norm used some of that money for an afternoon of fun with his office. I have used some of the money floating around to pay for extras. We are starting to run out of the floating money too.
Being mature sucks! Since my surgery, I have matured. I am more willing and able to delay gratification. I can do what needs to be done instead of leaving it because I don't' want to do it. I haven't touched my cross stitch. I haven't read much lately. There might be time, but right now I am spending all of my "spare" time on the computer. If I gave up my computer time, I could read or cross stitch. Or, I could start some projects to finish the house. (Did I mention that part of our budget includes selling the house?)
Having said that, I have reverted back to some of my more immature eating habits. Today I bought candy. I have been eating it all day today. Granted, I would have finished it all already 8 months ago. But I know better now. I know I have a choice. I know what I need to eat to nourish my body. I know I need to be choosy about what I put in my mouth. I don't even like the candy I have been eating, but I have been eating it anyway. Shame on me! I do know better. Why am I not doing it?!?!? Time to go back for a talk with the shrink!
Wow. I wrote another book. Sorry. Maybe I should try writing something even when I don't think I have anything to write. Then they will actually be a more manageable size!
Well, I guess I should go do the dishes now. yippee...
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
EARLY mornings
On work days, I am usually able to get ready pretty quick. If I had to, I could probably be out the door in 10 minutes. I wouldn't have to skip much of my routine either. I might miss out on "making" a lunch and would take a canned tuna meal. But I would have my breakfast and wash and maybe even a touch of makeup! The only problem was that I always felt under the gun. I like to be in my car by 6:15 and start work at 6:30. I hate being late.
So a few weeks ago, I started setting my alarm at 5am. I don't think I have ever voluntarily set it so early before. I did this for a couple of reasons. On my shower days, it gives me plenty of time for my shower and hair. I can get my lunch and snacks ready. And, I have also been starting a devotional time before work.
I was doing my study in the evening after the kids were in bed. But now, I am too tired to be able to focus that late. If I was smart, I would go to bed right after the kids and then I could really get up at 5 instead of pressing snooze until 5:20.
I had gotten off track with my Bible study, so I am just doing a Proverb a day right now. It is good to read about being wise and gaining wisdom and how we can squander it so easily. I see my faults all through the pages of these proverbs.
Today's verse that caught me was 23:... (I just returned with my Bible) 23:1-3 and 20-21. 1-3 talks about not gaining an appetite for what the rulers have. Their delicacies are deceptive. This really impacts me in our situation. We are just owning up to our mounds of debt. We are starting to learn to live without what we have always had. But Solomon is telling us that it is better to kill ourselves ("put a knife to your throat") rather than to want what the rich (my word) have. I am constantly reminding myself to be content with what I have. We have so much and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Last night I was in a *mood* complaining to myself about all the work I have to do in the evening like dishes and the floor and bedtime and cleaning in general. Then I thought it could be harder. I don't have to walk to get my water. I thought about the women of the world who must walk kilometres and carry the water back with them on their head. How would I like that?!?!?
verses 20 and 21 "Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eater of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags."
You know what?!? That is exactly what happened to me. I was a glutton. I have now come to poverty. I worshipped food instead of God. Now I must pay the consequences of that. Being gluttonous also led me to slumber. I was so tired most of the time or conserving my energy for what I absolutely had to do that I would nap instead of working; instead of getting done what I needed to do. It made me think that I might need to make myself a chore chart like I have for the kids.
Ok. One more thing. I am very thankful for my surgery. I don't think it would have been possible for me to lose weight any other way. It has taught me to not worship food. Yet, I am finding my old habits and struggles coming back as I get hungrier and able to eat again.
Today, was Jewel's last day of work. Someone brought in a cake for her. I wanted some. I could have some. I wouldn't get sick. I wouldn't gain weight because of my exercise. There was lots there. There was a lot of mail, so I didn't go get some right away. But my brain was working overtime. "It's right over there. I wonder what it tastes like. Oh, I think I will get a piece with lots of icing. I like icing," were some of the thoughts running through my head. I was really anxious. My heart started to race a bit. My thoughts kept swirling.
It was then that I realized that it was still controlling me. this cake was having power over me and my body. I was still idolizing this food. I had to decide to not have any. Yes, there was still lots. yes, my body could handle it physically. Yes, I'm sure it would taste good. The amazing thing was that once I had decided to pass on the cake, I felt so much calmer. My body and mind started to breathe again. I was really surprised. Then, just one more try - I heard in my head "well now that I know I was idolizing it, now I can still have a piece because I know that now. It would be an idol then."
I almost fell for it.
But alas, I stayed strong and left the cake.
This is going to be a lifelong process. I will have to be aware of what's going on in order to allow God to keep working in me.
And to think, all of this because I am willing to wake up a bit earlier. Huh.
So a few weeks ago, I started setting my alarm at 5am. I don't think I have ever voluntarily set it so early before. I did this for a couple of reasons. On my shower days, it gives me plenty of time for my shower and hair. I can get my lunch and snacks ready. And, I have also been starting a devotional time before work.
I was doing my study in the evening after the kids were in bed. But now, I am too tired to be able to focus that late. If I was smart, I would go to bed right after the kids and then I could really get up at 5 instead of pressing snooze until 5:20.
I had gotten off track with my Bible study, so I am just doing a Proverb a day right now. It is good to read about being wise and gaining wisdom and how we can squander it so easily. I see my faults all through the pages of these proverbs.
Today's verse that caught me was 23:... (I just returned with my Bible) 23:1-3 and 20-21. 1-3 talks about not gaining an appetite for what the rulers have. Their delicacies are deceptive. This really impacts me in our situation. We are just owning up to our mounds of debt. We are starting to learn to live without what we have always had. But Solomon is telling us that it is better to kill ourselves ("put a knife to your throat") rather than to want what the rich (my word) have. I am constantly reminding myself to be content with what I have. We have so much and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Last night I was in a *mood* complaining to myself about all the work I have to do in the evening like dishes and the floor and bedtime and cleaning in general. Then I thought it could be harder. I don't have to walk to get my water. I thought about the women of the world who must walk kilometres and carry the water back with them on their head. How would I like that?!?!?
verses 20 and 21 "Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eater of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags."
You know what?!? That is exactly what happened to me. I was a glutton. I have now come to poverty. I worshipped food instead of God. Now I must pay the consequences of that. Being gluttonous also led me to slumber. I was so tired most of the time or conserving my energy for what I absolutely had to do that I would nap instead of working; instead of getting done what I needed to do. It made me think that I might need to make myself a chore chart like I have for the kids.
Ok. One more thing. I am very thankful for my surgery. I don't think it would have been possible for me to lose weight any other way. It has taught me to not worship food. Yet, I am finding my old habits and struggles coming back as I get hungrier and able to eat again.
Today, was Jewel's last day of work. Someone brought in a cake for her. I wanted some. I could have some. I wouldn't get sick. I wouldn't gain weight because of my exercise. There was lots there. There was a lot of mail, so I didn't go get some right away. But my brain was working overtime. "It's right over there. I wonder what it tastes like. Oh, I think I will get a piece with lots of icing. I like icing," were some of the thoughts running through my head. I was really anxious. My heart started to race a bit. My thoughts kept swirling.
It was then that I realized that it was still controlling me. this cake was having power over me and my body. I was still idolizing this food. I had to decide to not have any. Yes, there was still lots. yes, my body could handle it physically. Yes, I'm sure it would taste good. The amazing thing was that once I had decided to pass on the cake, I felt so much calmer. My body and mind started to breathe again. I was really surprised. Then, just one more try - I heard in my head "well now that I know I was idolizing it, now I can still have a piece because I know that now. It would be an idol then."
I almost fell for it.
But alas, I stayed strong and left the cake.
This is going to be a lifelong process. I will have to be aware of what's going on in order to allow God to keep working in me.
And to think, all of this because I am willing to wake up a bit earlier. Huh.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
the funding is in!
I received this letter yesterday...
"Dear ME,
The weight management program in Calgary has received funding for 25 LapBand surgeries to be completed by March 31, 2011. Therefore, we are inviting referred patients to participate in the program this year."
So, let's talk this out...
First of all, I was referred to this program over TWO years ago. I have not heard anything from them. Not even a confirmation that they received my name. In 2 years this is my first contact.
#2 Did you catch that? There is funding for 25 lapbands this year. That is 25 lapbands in all of Calgary! That means that in a city of over one million people they will only pay for 25 lapbands. As I'm sure I mentioned before, before I checked into my Montreal surgeon, I talked with a surgeon here. He said his waiting list was over 850 people. Originally I thought that he was funded for 25 surgeries, but based on the wording of this letter, it is only 25 for the entire region!!! I know you can't hear the rattling, but all I can do is shake my head. (rattling from the noise my head makes when I move it.) That is appauling.
It gets even better...
"It is important that you are aware that there are fewer LapBand surgeries available than there are patients participating in this program. Therefore, surgery cannot be provided to all patients. Consequently, you may complete all that is required of you but it is not guaranteed that you will be selected for surgery."
The bold is part of the quote. They want you to know that even if you do everything you are supposed to, that you most likely will not get surgery. I mean with 25 surgeries, I'm sure they will have over 100 people participating. In my head I can hear them saying, "she doesn't have the co-morbidities that they others do. She can still get around. Look at her, she can even walk for a living. I think that others who can really benefit from this surgery should have priority over her." Would they say that directly to me? I have no idea. Would they say that amongst themselves when they have to pick from those who jumped through all the hoops? Absolutely. There is a small part of me that hopes they would pick someone like me because of the potential benefits. Prevention of diabetes, high blood pressure, joint issues, apnea, and all of the other co-morbidities associated with obesity would be an amazing thing. Hello!! Let's talk about saving not only lives, but quality of life!!
Oh well. I don't really have to worry about it. It just gets my knickers in a knot. I am thinking of calling them to just ask some questions. Then I think it won't get me very far, especially since the people I would be talking with would have little control over what happens.
Oh. I also want to touch on the lapband part of it. One of the stated requirements is a "definite interest in having LapBand surgery." If it was my *only* option, then of course I would choose it, but given a choice it would be one of my last choices. Let me just preface my comments by saying that this type of surgery is personal. Each person has to know themselves and what would work best for them. The statistics on lapband aren't that great. the weight lost is lower and the after care is much more rigorous. There is a greater risk for infection at the port site. It requires a lot more motivation. In addition, A study I heard said that in rats, the malabsorptive part of the surgery made a bigger difference in weight loss that just the size of the pouch. Rats with just malabsorption lost just as much weight as rats who had both malabsorption and a reduce stomach. Lapband is sold as a less invasive option, but in my "never to be" humble opinion, it isjust as risky.
Ok. I'll come off my soapbox now.
"Dear ME,
The weight management program in Calgary has received funding for 25 LapBand surgeries to be completed by March 31, 2011. Therefore, we are inviting referred patients to participate in the program this year."
So, let's talk this out...
First of all, I was referred to this program over TWO years ago. I have not heard anything from them. Not even a confirmation that they received my name. In 2 years this is my first contact.
#2 Did you catch that? There is funding for 25 lapbands this year. That is 25 lapbands in all of Calgary! That means that in a city of over one million people they will only pay for 25 lapbands. As I'm sure I mentioned before, before I checked into my Montreal surgeon, I talked with a surgeon here. He said his waiting list was over 850 people. Originally I thought that he was funded for 25 surgeries, but based on the wording of this letter, it is only 25 for the entire region!!! I know you can't hear the rattling, but all I can do is shake my head. (rattling from the noise my head makes when I move it.) That is appauling.
It gets even better...
"It is important that you are aware that there are fewer LapBand surgeries available than there are patients participating in this program. Therefore, surgery cannot be provided to all patients. Consequently, you may complete all that is required of you but it is not guaranteed that you will be selected for surgery."
The bold is part of the quote. They want you to know that even if you do everything you are supposed to, that you most likely will not get surgery. I mean with 25 surgeries, I'm sure they will have over 100 people participating. In my head I can hear them saying, "she doesn't have the co-morbidities that they others do. She can still get around. Look at her, she can even walk for a living. I think that others who can really benefit from this surgery should have priority over her." Would they say that directly to me? I have no idea. Would they say that amongst themselves when they have to pick from those who jumped through all the hoops? Absolutely. There is a small part of me that hopes they would pick someone like me because of the potential benefits. Prevention of diabetes, high blood pressure, joint issues, apnea, and all of the other co-morbidities associated with obesity would be an amazing thing. Hello!! Let's talk about saving not only lives, but quality of life!!
Oh well. I don't really have to worry about it. It just gets my knickers in a knot. I am thinking of calling them to just ask some questions. Then I think it won't get me very far, especially since the people I would be talking with would have little control over what happens.
Oh. I also want to touch on the lapband part of it. One of the stated requirements is a "definite interest in having LapBand surgery." If it was my *only* option, then of course I would choose it, but given a choice it would be one of my last choices. Let me just preface my comments by saying that this type of surgery is personal. Each person has to know themselves and what would work best for them. The statistics on lapband aren't that great. the weight lost is lower and the after care is much more rigorous. There is a greater risk for infection at the port site. It requires a lot more motivation. In addition, A study I heard said that in rats, the malabsorptive part of the surgery made a bigger difference in weight loss that just the size of the pouch. Rats with just malabsorption lost just as much weight as rats who had both malabsorption and a reduce stomach. Lapband is sold as a less invasive option, but in my "never to be" humble opinion, it isjust as risky.
Ok. I'll come off my soapbox now.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
struggling
I just wrote a long email to a friend who had surgery the day before me. She is struggling. It's hard to hear. I know she doesn't have any support. I'm sure she is bored and she is falling back into old habits.
It is so easy to do. Eating the easy food is easy. It's usually prepackaged. It's usually pretty tasty - think sugar and salt. It's usually justifiable in some way (I exercised today. I'm so hungry I just need to eat something. One won't hurt.) I'm pretty sure we all have done it. I know I have done it - even today.
The thing with surgery is that when we are super morbidly obese, we just want something that will work. We just want the nightmare of our lives to be over. Surgery seems like the one thing that will work. And it does. That is until we overtake the "tool" and make it bend to our will rather than the other way around. When we follow the rules, surgery will work marvelously. But there are ways to eat around the pouch. There are ways to gain weight back after we have lost it. There are ways to be as big as when we started. I know I need to remember this and constantly picture my old life so I don't forget it. So I don't end up back at over 300 lbs struggling with every step and breath.
So, my big scale victory of the week was "Onederland". Yup. I hit 199. It is a milestone that I haven't quite wrapped my head around. I still look at the scale expecting a "2". I am getting smaller and people are noticing even more so now that I am at work. I had someone come up to me today and ask if I am still losing weight. Even though the numbers aren't moving that much, I guess the fat is moving around!
I can't remember if I talked about this before - and I don't want to read my whole blog to find out! - that I feel like I have followed a puzzling command in the Bible. "If your eye causes you to sin, gauge it out. If you hand causes you to sin, cut if off." That is what I feel I have done to my stomach. It was causing me to sin. I have cut it out. I think that is neat. I have a caveat. As I get further out from surgery, my hunger is returning and I am eating more emotionally. There is a chance that soon, it won't be my stomach causing me to sin with overeating, but my mind. I will have to practice self control before that happens.
I was reading a parenting book and it talked about using the word "self-control" to your kids and because it is the Word of God, it does something different in your kids than just using any old word. Also, self control is a fruit of the spirit. If I have the Spirit, which I do, then He has given me self control. I have it. By using it, I can also help it grow in me. Self control will play a big part of my future if I want it to be different than my past where self control was truly lacking.
I must go to bed now. I am typing with one eye closed because I am so tired.
I hope you are well. Blessings to you.
It is so easy to do. Eating the easy food is easy. It's usually prepackaged. It's usually pretty tasty - think sugar and salt. It's usually justifiable in some way (I exercised today. I'm so hungry I just need to eat something. One won't hurt.) I'm pretty sure we all have done it. I know I have done it - even today.
The thing with surgery is that when we are super morbidly obese, we just want something that will work. We just want the nightmare of our lives to be over. Surgery seems like the one thing that will work. And it does. That is until we overtake the "tool" and make it bend to our will rather than the other way around. When we follow the rules, surgery will work marvelously. But there are ways to eat around the pouch. There are ways to gain weight back after we have lost it. There are ways to be as big as when we started. I know I need to remember this and constantly picture my old life so I don't forget it. So I don't end up back at over 300 lbs struggling with every step and breath.
So, my big scale victory of the week was "Onederland". Yup. I hit 199. It is a milestone that I haven't quite wrapped my head around. I still look at the scale expecting a "2". I am getting smaller and people are noticing even more so now that I am at work. I had someone come up to me today and ask if I am still losing weight. Even though the numbers aren't moving that much, I guess the fat is moving around!
I can't remember if I talked about this before - and I don't want to read my whole blog to find out! - that I feel like I have followed a puzzling command in the Bible. "If your eye causes you to sin, gauge it out. If you hand causes you to sin, cut if off." That is what I feel I have done to my stomach. It was causing me to sin. I have cut it out. I think that is neat. I have a caveat. As I get further out from surgery, my hunger is returning and I am eating more emotionally. There is a chance that soon, it won't be my stomach causing me to sin with overeating, but my mind. I will have to practice self control before that happens.
I was reading a parenting book and it talked about using the word "self-control" to your kids and because it is the Word of God, it does something different in your kids than just using any old word. Also, self control is a fruit of the spirit. If I have the Spirit, which I do, then He has given me self control. I have it. By using it, I can also help it grow in me. Self control will play a big part of my future if I want it to be different than my past where self control was truly lacking.
I must go to bed now. I am typing with one eye closed because I am so tired.
I hope you are well. Blessings to you.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
musings of a tired mind
This morning, the first day of June, I had to scrape the frost off of my car windshield. As I got out the scraper, I thought, this is very odd. And then I thought, no it's not that odd anymore.
I remember when winter would start thawing out around mid February in Calgary. We 'd have our last freeze, the chinook would come and that would kind of be the end of it.
Then as a letter carrier, I saw some people take a couple of weeks of in late Feb and March. I never really understood why (other than for the spring break.) After delivering mail in March, it was clear to me. The weather was so unpredictable with warm then wind then rain then snow - sometimes all on the same day! I promised myself then, that I would take holidays in March.
Now, only a few years later, April is the month with the wacky weather. This year, the last week of April had significant snow and it was windy and very cold. May has been better, but very cold and quite grey. We just had a week of rain. And now the frost on the windshield. It's crazy!
Some would say that it's global warming. I have no idea. I'm not totally convinced of the whole notion. But I do think the seasons are shifting. The last couple of Septembers and Octobers have been downright hot! Maybe our seasons are now more closely aligned with the actual turning of the seasons - June, late September, December and March.
hmmm. We'll have to wait and see I guess.
I remember when winter would start thawing out around mid February in Calgary. We 'd have our last freeze, the chinook would come and that would kind of be the end of it.
Then as a letter carrier, I saw some people take a couple of weeks of in late Feb and March. I never really understood why (other than for the spring break.) After delivering mail in March, it was clear to me. The weather was so unpredictable with warm then wind then rain then snow - sometimes all on the same day! I promised myself then, that I would take holidays in March.
Now, only a few years later, April is the month with the wacky weather. This year, the last week of April had significant snow and it was windy and very cold. May has been better, but very cold and quite grey. We just had a week of rain. And now the frost on the windshield. It's crazy!
Some would say that it's global warming. I have no idea. I'm not totally convinced of the whole notion. But I do think the seasons are shifting. The last couple of Septembers and Octobers have been downright hot! Maybe our seasons are now more closely aligned with the actual turning of the seasons - June, late September, December and March.
hmmm. We'll have to wait and see I guess.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
6 month update
Hi. Long time no update. Well I'll try to catch you up.
I'm 6 months 10 days out from surgery. I weighed 201.6 lbs this morning. I can't believe I will be under 200 very soon. Probably for the first time since I was 13 years old. In terms of weight, when I was 12, I weighed 150. By the time I turned 13, I was 180. Between then and grade 12, I don't really know the progression. I just know that I ended high school at around 220. I wore a size 18 dress to my graduation. You know how it is when we look back. Now I think that a size 18 wasn't that bad. At the time I thought I was so big and I hated having to buy my grad dress in a fat lady store. 20 years ago, there weren't that many fat kids, so the fat stores didn't have a lot of hip clothes!
Currently, I'm wearing a plus sized 16 pants. I have discovered that plus sized clothes are bigger than regular sized. I bought some Tabi shorts at Value Village in size 16, but I need to lose about 3 more inches on my waist before I can do them up. For my top, I think I am firmly in a regular sized XL. That's the size on the shirt at my 6 month photo.
Food wise, I am definitely craving more sugar foods. Part of that could be that I am eating more sugar foods and awakening the "carb monster." I am able to eat more and especially with my activity level now, I need to eat more. My trouble is that I haven't been planning and preparing for this new hunger and need for good tasting food. Up until now, I have been able to manage quite well with little bits here and there making food mainly for the kids. My son is at a particularly picky point in his eating habits. He will eat most foods if we make him - "you can't leave the table until you finish that much." You can't have dessert until you eat your vegetables." Then he will force it down. He has come to rely on snacks to fill him up. That is not good.
Anyway, so I have tried to make food for me - soupy, saucy, stewy - kinds of one pot meals, but have gotten a lot of negative feed back. And also, getting back into the swings with work, I haven't had the time or energy to cook. Maybe now is the time to start again so I can get some nutritious, good tasting food that will be easy on my pouch.
Norm is in the full swing of his new job now. He is gone 5 or 6 afternoon/evenings a week, plus all day on Monday and Thursday plus he is going on weekend road trips - this weekend he is in Lethbridge. Two weekends ago, he was in Medicine Hat. Learning to hold down the fort all alone has been tricky. It is getting better, but it's still not fun. The real downside is that I feel I have lost the connection with Norm. He is so involved in what he is doing that I feel like he doesn't care about my world. He doesn't ask me what's going on. (And if he asks, he accepts "fine" or "okay" instead of teasing what's really going on.) I know that he does care. I know that he loves me to no end. For me, the connection comes with time together. How do you keep the connection when you never see the other person? If he is making money that would at least give us a benefit of him being away, but so far, he hasn't been making very much. Then, there is the other end, where all the money in the world can't fix a broken marriage. We are definitely no where near broken, but I must admit that I am pretty needy and the way it is now definitely isn't the way it can be for very long.
Today, my daughter asked me to read from the Bible. She wanted the last story in Revelation. It was really neat to read. A couple of verses stuck out to me: 22:17, "The Spirit and the Bride say, 'Come.' And let the one who hears say, ' Come.' And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price." The Holy Spirit and Jesus are calling out to everyone to come. The followers of God are also calling out for everyone to come. The gift is the water of life. It is priceless. Not even Mastercard can cover this one. But it is free. It is a gift. It is for all who desire. It is for all who are thirsty. And I need to be calling out to everyone, "Come!"
I also like verse 20 where Jesus says, " 'Surely I am coming soon.' Amen. Come Lord Jesus!" In my daily living, I forget this. Unfortunately, it doesn't break through into my consciousness as I go about my business. But it is so exciting to think that Jesus is coming soon! I may see it or I may not live to see Jesus return to the earth in power, but He is still coming soon!
The last couple of days I have been thinking about heaven and hell. At the news of Gary Coleman dying, my first thought was, "that is good." I meant that he was living a tortured life. His life was full of problems and they were displayed for the whole world to see. He was mocked and shamed and put on display for our entertainment. I thought his death would at least put an end to the pain. But then I wondered if that put him in hell, is that really any better than a tortured life? My assumption is that he didn't know Jesus the Saviour. So, under that assumption, he would go to hell to begin his eternal torment. My guess is that wouldn't be very peaceful either. So I am at a loss. Should I be grateful that his pain on earth is over or lament because he didn't live long enough to put his faith in Jesus? This one will need more prayer and study.
I'm 6 months 10 days out from surgery. I weighed 201.6 lbs this morning. I can't believe I will be under 200 very soon. Probably for the first time since I was 13 years old. In terms of weight, when I was 12, I weighed 150. By the time I turned 13, I was 180. Between then and grade 12, I don't really know the progression. I just know that I ended high school at around 220. I wore a size 18 dress to my graduation. You know how it is when we look back. Now I think that a size 18 wasn't that bad. At the time I thought I was so big and I hated having to buy my grad dress in a fat lady store. 20 years ago, there weren't that many fat kids, so the fat stores didn't have a lot of hip clothes!
Currently, I'm wearing a plus sized 16 pants. I have discovered that plus sized clothes are bigger than regular sized. I bought some Tabi shorts at Value Village in size 16, but I need to lose about 3 more inches on my waist before I can do them up. For my top, I think I am firmly in a regular sized XL. That's the size on the shirt at my 6 month photo.
Food wise, I am definitely craving more sugar foods. Part of that could be that I am eating more sugar foods and awakening the "carb monster." I am able to eat more and especially with my activity level now, I need to eat more. My trouble is that I haven't been planning and preparing for this new hunger and need for good tasting food. Up until now, I have been able to manage quite well with little bits here and there making food mainly for the kids. My son is at a particularly picky point in his eating habits. He will eat most foods if we make him - "you can't leave the table until you finish that much." You can't have dessert until you eat your vegetables." Then he will force it down. He has come to rely on snacks to fill him up. That is not good.
Anyway, so I have tried to make food for me - soupy, saucy, stewy - kinds of one pot meals, but have gotten a lot of negative feed back. And also, getting back into the swings with work, I haven't had the time or energy to cook. Maybe now is the time to start again so I can get some nutritious, good tasting food that will be easy on my pouch.
Norm is in the full swing of his new job now. He is gone 5 or 6 afternoon/evenings a week, plus all day on Monday and Thursday plus he is going on weekend road trips - this weekend he is in Lethbridge. Two weekends ago, he was in Medicine Hat. Learning to hold down the fort all alone has been tricky. It is getting better, but it's still not fun. The real downside is that I feel I have lost the connection with Norm. He is so involved in what he is doing that I feel like he doesn't care about my world. He doesn't ask me what's going on. (And if he asks, he accepts "fine" or "okay" instead of teasing what's really going on.) I know that he does care. I know that he loves me to no end. For me, the connection comes with time together. How do you keep the connection when you never see the other person? If he is making money that would at least give us a benefit of him being away, but so far, he hasn't been making very much. Then, there is the other end, where all the money in the world can't fix a broken marriage. We are definitely no where near broken, but I must admit that I am pretty needy and the way it is now definitely isn't the way it can be for very long.
Today, my daughter asked me to read from the Bible. She wanted the last story in Revelation. It was really neat to read. A couple of verses stuck out to me: 22:17, "The Spirit and the Bride say, 'Come.' And let the one who hears say, ' Come.' And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price." The Holy Spirit and Jesus are calling out to everyone to come. The followers of God are also calling out for everyone to come. The gift is the water of life. It is priceless. Not even Mastercard can cover this one. But it is free. It is a gift. It is for all who desire. It is for all who are thirsty. And I need to be calling out to everyone, "Come!"
I also like verse 20 where Jesus says, " 'Surely I am coming soon.' Amen. Come Lord Jesus!" In my daily living, I forget this. Unfortunately, it doesn't break through into my consciousness as I go about my business. But it is so exciting to think that Jesus is coming soon! I may see it or I may not live to see Jesus return to the earth in power, but He is still coming soon!
The last couple of days I have been thinking about heaven and hell. At the news of Gary Coleman dying, my first thought was, "that is good." I meant that he was living a tortured life. His life was full of problems and they were displayed for the whole world to see. He was mocked and shamed and put on display for our entertainment. I thought his death would at least put an end to the pain. But then I wondered if that put him in hell, is that really any better than a tortured life? My assumption is that he didn't know Jesus the Saviour. So, under that assumption, he would go to hell to begin his eternal torment. My guess is that wouldn't be very peaceful either. So I am at a loss. Should I be grateful that his pain on earth is over or lament because he didn't live long enough to put his faith in Jesus? This one will need more prayer and study.
Monday, May 24, 2010
6 month pictures
So, my hubby took these this morning. I find them a bit shocking. Especially the front view.
I don't have time to write anything now, but I will hopefully come back later tonight.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I'm...
OKAY!
I have been back to work for almost 2 weeks now. It has been alright. Physically, which is always the biggest concern as a letter carrier, I have been fine. I am a bit sore, but I can bend over and move and do what I need to do. My route is taking the time that is normal - ie. I'm not taking forever to finish delivering all my mail. I'm still a bit on the slow side for the inside sorting, but I am coming to terms with that. I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be fast and get done quickly. Then I would be disappointed when I would never finish as quickly as I would like. So, now I am just trying to pace myself and take my time.
I also have a new attitude about my work. As I used to scramble to get things done, I would feel out of control. I would be huffing and puffing, arms flailing about. This week I have been telling myself that I am a professional. I don't need to run around like a chicken without it's head. I can walk at a good pace and take my time and I will finish a little later than others, but that is okay. I am a professional letter carrier. I am good at my job. I like my job. I still go across some lawns, but mainly I take the sidewalk. I don't mind. A professional does the job properly and doesn't try to cut corners.
Also, I am taking my time in order to take my time away from the house! When working before, I always felt so much pressure to hurry up and get home. Now, I want to enjoy my time away and let myself relax while at work so that I can go home somewhat refreshed too. Norm is home with the kids in the days. He is really understanding about this. Especially since he is gone all evening too.
Speaking of being gone, he has made a couple of sales. He is selling a health benefits package to families in their home. It has been hard, as all sales are, but he is a trooper. He just keeps at it and doing what he can. It's been an adjustment for all of us. We hardly see him anymore, it seems. Anada misses out the most because she just sees him in the morning before school and the occasional late afternoon when he is home.
There is so much more to say, but so I can go to bed, I think I will end it here.
Good night!
I have been back to work for almost 2 weeks now. It has been alright. Physically, which is always the biggest concern as a letter carrier, I have been fine. I am a bit sore, but I can bend over and move and do what I need to do. My route is taking the time that is normal - ie. I'm not taking forever to finish delivering all my mail. I'm still a bit on the slow side for the inside sorting, but I am coming to terms with that. I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be fast and get done quickly. Then I would be disappointed when I would never finish as quickly as I would like. So, now I am just trying to pace myself and take my time.
I also have a new attitude about my work. As I used to scramble to get things done, I would feel out of control. I would be huffing and puffing, arms flailing about. This week I have been telling myself that I am a professional. I don't need to run around like a chicken without it's head. I can walk at a good pace and take my time and I will finish a little later than others, but that is okay. I am a professional letter carrier. I am good at my job. I like my job. I still go across some lawns, but mainly I take the sidewalk. I don't mind. A professional does the job properly and doesn't try to cut corners.
Also, I am taking my time in order to take my time away from the house! When working before, I always felt so much pressure to hurry up and get home. Now, I want to enjoy my time away and let myself relax while at work so that I can go home somewhat refreshed too. Norm is home with the kids in the days. He is really understanding about this. Especially since he is gone all evening too.
Speaking of being gone, he has made a couple of sales. He is selling a health benefits package to families in their home. It has been hard, as all sales are, but he is a trooper. He just keeps at it and doing what he can. It's been an adjustment for all of us. We hardly see him anymore, it seems. Anada misses out the most because she just sees him in the morning before school and the occasional late afternoon when he is home.
There is so much more to say, but so I can go to bed, I think I will end it here.
Good night!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Holy STRESS, Batman!
I tell you, it feels like we are in the spin cycle right now. We have hardly had a break since the end of march - just a chance to sit and relax guilt free! I think I should blog about some of this, so I can remember, and then I forget to blog.
At the beginning of April was Anada's birthday, Easter, we hosted Easter dinner for my extended family, my MIL was visiting, the beginning of the census where Norm and I both had an area to do in 21 days, Norm starting his new job driving almost 2 hours out of town most days because the guy who was training was having a road trip, I got a corneal ulcer in my left eye - couldn't drive for 2 days, Anada buckle fractured her wrist this week, my other 2 kids have colds and haven't gone to school, because of same colds, I can't take them to the gym either, the phone has been ringing constantly because of the census, we had a family retreat with our church last weekend (it was very nice, but it took almost 3 full days out of our schedule), I exploded and radioactive slime landed all over my family, I swore at my husband in the explosion, our van needs a new head gasket (it's 13 years old and will cost $2000), our second car has a radiator problem and has been overheating, the beater truck we have has been stalling, we have NO money to even really repair what we have let alone get something newer (our van is the newest vehicle we have.)
There have been a couple of good things too. I drove my husband's truck today. I have never been able to drive it because I didn't fit. Now there is room to spare. I am down to 215.2 this morning. That's 104.8lbs lost - but hey, let's just call it 105. I was running low on shirts so after my explosion, Norm let me out and I went shopping. I got a pair of pants for work ( did I mention I was going back to work on May 3rd?!?!?!) and found a couple of tops. Guess what size they were. Come on. Guess!! Oh alright. I'll tell you. One was a size 14. The other was an X - not a 1X but just X. I don't think I have been this small since I was in grade 8. At least that was the last time I remember wearing a size 14. (of course, I also think there has been size creeping going on. I think that this new size 14 would be bigger than the 14 of yesteryear.) The pants were a 1x. Amazing. The next time I buy clothes, I will no longer be able to buy them in a dedicated plus size store. I have been going over this in my brain for the last couple of days. I still don't quite believe it. Especially when I see my body. My body still has such a big belly and the skin still hangs and droops. When I look down, I can see more of my legs and my lap is almost completely uncovered, but it still sticks out in the seemingly same proportion that is used to. One of my kids commented that it looked like I had a baby in there. Oh well.
Some other NSV's I've had include wearing my wedding ring again. I had is sized smaller when I lost weight before and it now fits again. I can kneel on the floor and my bum can sit on my feet. Before, I could never do that because I had too much fat on the back of my legs. My calf and my hamstring part would meet and stop me from going down farther. I am able to wear my husband's jacket. I can go for a long walk with hills and not be winded. I am getting my legs lasered tomorrow for my 100lb celebration. People don't look at my face then drop their gaze down to my belly anymore. They just keep their eyes on me. People are starting to not recognize me anymore.
I find it really surprising, shocking, interesting that many people are telling me how good I am looking. And then I saw a picture of me on the weekend retreat. I can't believe how bad I still look. How fat I still am. How closed my posture is. How my hair cut looks terrible. Who's right? I would still qualify for the surgery at my current weight if I had co-morbidities (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc.) I would have qualified without any co-morbidities just about 10 lbs ago. I know I was fat, but on the inside I don't know if I really knew how fat. It wasn't until the 310 lb mark or so where I felt my weight socially and started to recoil and avoid people. All I can say it that I am definitely glad I had this surgery. It has really give me not only my life back, but a new life.
One thing it hasn't done for me is fix my eating problems. I am an emotional eater. During this month I have been eating a lot of junk. A lot of sugar. I have been searching out for my fixes. On my shopping night, all day and night I was thinking, "what can I eat? What can I eat? I need some sugar. I need some fat. What can I eat?" I ended up at Taco Bell/KFC and had a few bites of a chicken snacker sandwich and then about 3 bites of a bean burrito. It didn't taste all that good. I got full so fast that it was hard for the emotions to be soothed. I wanted to eat more, but knew I couldn't. I guess that's a good thing.
Then my plan was to go for a walk on Nose hill - a great piece of grassland in the city with amazing views. I was sitting there waiting to feel better. Waiting to see if the food would go down or need to come up. I didn't feel great emotionally or physically. I ended up walking anyway. It was good. God met me there. I was able to kneel and pray in the open seclusion. I prayed for the protection of my family from me. I prayed that He would heal me and heal the generational sins and demonic influences from the past. I prayed that my children could be free from the entanglements that I have unfortunately laid down for them.
I think He has answered that prayer. I am in a Beth Moore book called "Breaking Free" and the verses she has us looking at are in Isaiah. Let me get my Bible and I will write them out for you (and me.)
Isaiah 61: 1-4
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion --
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of prise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.
The part I bolded really caught my attention. That is exactly what I had prayed for. God told me that they - the poor, brokenhearted, the captives and those who are bound - will build and raise and repair the devastations of many generations. How incredible is that. Each time He does this, I am amazed by Him. He is so gracious to me. So generous. I will praise him.
I will leave with just one last positive note - tomorrow I'm going to the Beth Moore simulcast. She won't be live in Calgary, but she will be live somewhere! "so long insecurity" is the topic. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly apply to me?!?!?!
At the beginning of April was Anada's birthday, Easter, we hosted Easter dinner for my extended family, my MIL was visiting, the beginning of the census where Norm and I both had an area to do in 21 days, Norm starting his new job driving almost 2 hours out of town most days because the guy who was training was having a road trip, I got a corneal ulcer in my left eye - couldn't drive for 2 days, Anada buckle fractured her wrist this week, my other 2 kids have colds and haven't gone to school, because of same colds, I can't take them to the gym either, the phone has been ringing constantly because of the census, we had a family retreat with our church last weekend (it was very nice, but it took almost 3 full days out of our schedule), I exploded and radioactive slime landed all over my family, I swore at my husband in the explosion, our van needs a new head gasket (it's 13 years old and will cost $2000), our second car has a radiator problem and has been overheating, the beater truck we have has been stalling, we have NO money to even really repair what we have let alone get something newer (our van is the newest vehicle we have.)
There have been a couple of good things too. I drove my husband's truck today. I have never been able to drive it because I didn't fit. Now there is room to spare. I am down to 215.2 this morning. That's 104.8lbs lost - but hey, let's just call it 105. I was running low on shirts so after my explosion, Norm let me out and I went shopping. I got a pair of pants for work ( did I mention I was going back to work on May 3rd?!?!?!) and found a couple of tops. Guess what size they were. Come on. Guess!! Oh alright. I'll tell you. One was a size 14. The other was an X - not a 1X but just X. I don't think I have been this small since I was in grade 8. At least that was the last time I remember wearing a size 14. (of course, I also think there has been size creeping going on. I think that this new size 14 would be bigger than the 14 of yesteryear.) The pants were a 1x. Amazing. The next time I buy clothes, I will no longer be able to buy them in a dedicated plus size store. I have been going over this in my brain for the last couple of days. I still don't quite believe it. Especially when I see my body. My body still has such a big belly and the skin still hangs and droops. When I look down, I can see more of my legs and my lap is almost completely uncovered, but it still sticks out in the seemingly same proportion that is used to. One of my kids commented that it looked like I had a baby in there. Oh well.
Some other NSV's I've had include wearing my wedding ring again. I had is sized smaller when I lost weight before and it now fits again. I can kneel on the floor and my bum can sit on my feet. Before, I could never do that because I had too much fat on the back of my legs. My calf and my hamstring part would meet and stop me from going down farther. I am able to wear my husband's jacket. I can go for a long walk with hills and not be winded. I am getting my legs lasered tomorrow for my 100lb celebration. People don't look at my face then drop their gaze down to my belly anymore. They just keep their eyes on me. People are starting to not recognize me anymore.
I find it really surprising, shocking, interesting that many people are telling me how good I am looking. And then I saw a picture of me on the weekend retreat. I can't believe how bad I still look. How fat I still am. How closed my posture is. How my hair cut looks terrible. Who's right? I would still qualify for the surgery at my current weight if I had co-morbidities (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc.) I would have qualified without any co-morbidities just about 10 lbs ago. I know I was fat, but on the inside I don't know if I really knew how fat. It wasn't until the 310 lb mark or so where I felt my weight socially and started to recoil and avoid people. All I can say it that I am definitely glad I had this surgery. It has really give me not only my life back, but a new life.
One thing it hasn't done for me is fix my eating problems. I am an emotional eater. During this month I have been eating a lot of junk. A lot of sugar. I have been searching out for my fixes. On my shopping night, all day and night I was thinking, "what can I eat? What can I eat? I need some sugar. I need some fat. What can I eat?" I ended up at Taco Bell/KFC and had a few bites of a chicken snacker sandwich and then about 3 bites of a bean burrito. It didn't taste all that good. I got full so fast that it was hard for the emotions to be soothed. I wanted to eat more, but knew I couldn't. I guess that's a good thing.
Then my plan was to go for a walk on Nose hill - a great piece of grassland in the city with amazing views. I was sitting there waiting to feel better. Waiting to see if the food would go down or need to come up. I didn't feel great emotionally or physically. I ended up walking anyway. It was good. God met me there. I was able to kneel and pray in the open seclusion. I prayed for the protection of my family from me. I prayed that He would heal me and heal the generational sins and demonic influences from the past. I prayed that my children could be free from the entanglements that I have unfortunately laid down for them.
I think He has answered that prayer. I am in a Beth Moore book called "Breaking Free" and the verses she has us looking at are in Isaiah. Let me get my Bible and I will write them out for you (and me.)
Isaiah 61: 1-4
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion --
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of prise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.
The part I bolded really caught my attention. That is exactly what I had prayed for. God told me that they - the poor, brokenhearted, the captives and those who are bound - will build and raise and repair the devastations of many generations. How incredible is that. Each time He does this, I am amazed by Him. He is so gracious to me. So generous. I will praise him.
I will leave with just one last positive note - tomorrow I'm going to the Beth Moore simulcast. She won't be live in Calgary, but she will be live somewhere! "so long insecurity" is the topic. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly apply to me?!?!?!
Friday, April 9, 2010
documentation
Well, I suppose I should update before I forget.
I hit 100 lbs lost yesterday. Of course, I'm back at 99 today. But let's try to be positive.
100. That's kind of a big number. I would have never imagined it possible. I have thought that even as I lose more weight, then if I start to gain again, I probably won't be higher than where I am now.
Yet even as I celebrate this milestone, I am thinking about the hard work ahead of me. I have not been eating well. I have not been planning my food or eating "real" food. I have had the mindset that as long as I get my protein from drinking, then I can eat whatever I want. When I originally came up with that idea, it was all good because I wanted to eat more veggies and salads. Now, I am instead eating easter eggs and desserts. I don't eat enough sugar to make me sick, but I don't feel well. Then I don't want to even drink my protein. So not only am I not eating the veggies and salads, but I am not even getting my protein.
I'm not done with this topic yet, but I must go make some sleeping beauties for my daughter's sleep over.
I hit 100 lbs lost yesterday. Of course, I'm back at 99 today. But let's try to be positive.
100. That's kind of a big number. I would have never imagined it possible. I have thought that even as I lose more weight, then if I start to gain again, I probably won't be higher than where I am now.
Yet even as I celebrate this milestone, I am thinking about the hard work ahead of me. I have not been eating well. I have not been planning my food or eating "real" food. I have had the mindset that as long as I get my protein from drinking, then I can eat whatever I want. When I originally came up with that idea, it was all good because I wanted to eat more veggies and salads. Now, I am instead eating easter eggs and desserts. I don't eat enough sugar to make me sick, but I don't feel well. Then I don't want to even drink my protein. So not only am I not eating the veggies and salads, but I am not even getting my protein.
I'm not done with this topic yet, but I must go make some sleeping beauties for my daughter's sleep over.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
let's finish strong
Today is the last day of lent. I want to at least finish this last day strong!
I have been slipping quite a bit on my commitment to not use my internet. I have found it really isolating to have this limitation on me. I have realized how connected I am to this technology. To be honest, I don't see that I will become any less connected in the future.
There is so much I do on here - looking for recipes, banking, research, support groups, collecting points, news and information... It does take up a lot of time and I would like to limit that time, but generally what I do isn't bad, at worst it is neutral and many times it is even good.
I am writing this so assuage my need to be online. It seems to be working.
Off I go to do laundry and clean the van!
I have been slipping quite a bit on my commitment to not use my internet. I have found it really isolating to have this limitation on me. I have realized how connected I am to this technology. To be honest, I don't see that I will become any less connected in the future.
There is so much I do on here - looking for recipes, banking, research, support groups, collecting points, news and information... It does take up a lot of time and I would like to limit that time, but generally what I do isn't bad, at worst it is neutral and many times it is even good.
I am writing this so assuage my need to be online. It seems to be working.
Off I go to do laundry and clean the van!
Friday, March 19, 2010
BAD! Bad Mother! (warning: extremely lengthy)
This week I had a couple of amazing , completely scale focused victories and then another non-scale victory.
Remember this day: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 - I, kb, weighed less than my hubby for the first time ever!!! This was very exciting. With kids, we talk about who is the biggest in the family. And it is always daddy then mommy then the kids. I have always been uncomfortable in this situation because I knew I was the biggest. Daddy was the tallest, but I was the biggest. It's not something I wanted to admit to anyone but myself so I would never talk about it much. But as of Wednesday, daddy IS the biggest! It's funny, because today we were tied. Norm said I couldn't say I was smaller than him because we were now tied. I had to explain to him very slowly and carefully that I am in possession of the smallest Title. In order for him to earn the title back, he has to go even lower than me. He can't just tie me and expect to have it for himself. As I always remind him: If he had started his diet when I suggested he start, he wouldn't have had to worry about this. At least for a few more pounds.
Then, the next day, my 4 month surgiversary (thanks for reminding me to take pictures tonight!), I was 228.8. This is another milestone for me because it is the number I was at before I got pregnant with my first. I was 228 after losing about 50 lbs. Once I go under this one, I'm in new territory as an adult. I figure I was in my 220's around grade 12 and Bible college and probably 1st year university. During BLTS, I was able to squeeze into an XL from the regular stores, but it was tight. I remember at the beginning of 2nd yr university, I moved up to a size 22 - I hadn't been that high before. Right now, I'm probably a size 20 bottom. I don't have any size 20's, but my 22's are getting loose. I'm trying to make do with what I have until I can reasonably fit into the 18's in my closet. The sad parts are the changes that have happened since having 3 kids. I figure that my belly is a good 4 inches bigger than it was before kids. So, even though I'm the same number, it's not all back to where it was before.
My NSV came at the gym yesterday. Did I tell you I started to jog? My physiotherapist gave me a chart on how to learn to run from the beginning. run 1 minute, walk 4. Do this 4 times. Do it 3 times a week. The next week run 2 mins, walk 3. and so on. So, I tried it out. The kids wanted to play at a park, so I thought I would go for a walk. While I was walking I had a brainwave and tried this out. I was shocked that I could even run for one minute straight. It didn't hurt. I didn't think I would die. I made it through. I even did it the 4 times! I was quite impressed with myself. I continued to jog - although not everytime I exercised. But on Thursday at the gym, I did a very short workout - only 6 - 10 reps and only 1 set - and then I did a tiny bit of cardio. I got on the treadmill and started jogging. I thought, hey! it's time I tried for 2 mins. I was able to do it. Now, let me assure you, I am not going fast. No more than 5 miles an hour. a 12 minute mile. (The guy on the treadmill in front of me was doing 7 minute miles.) But still, I did 2 minutes. I went for my 2nd round, but my back was too sore. I go back to physio on Monday and I need it. I'll ask him about all the jarring. The plan is to ensure a pain free experience.
I was so excited. In the locker room after my 2 minutes, I met a friend and we were able to chat for a minute. Then I chatted with the childcare worker for a bit. I was actually trying to get home fast, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I think I had a divine appointment I needed to wait for.
So, on the way out to the van from the gym, I had my baby in my arm, the diaper bag on my shoulder, my gym bag in one hand and then my son walking along. For the life of me, I couldn't keep baby up, she kept slipping. Please let me explain, that my gym makes you workout before you workout. There are at least 30 stairs to climb when you come in and 30 on the way out. So, trying to get everyone and everything to the van after a workout is almost harder than climbing the stairs on the way in.
I need to preface this next part. I am embarrassed and ashamed and feel (felt?) completely judged by what I am about to share. It was definitely not one of my better parenting moments. I am sharing it because of God's power and glory and how, just an hour ago, He absolutely and completely humbled me with his grace and mercy.
As we approach the van, my son says, "I have to go pee!" I haven't noticed his pee-pee dance yet, but later I found out that some had already got out. I was feeling buoyant with all of the things I described earlier, but overwhelmed at just getting to the van. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I would be able to make it back into the gym, to the toilet for my son to actually use it. I also didn't think I would be able to make it with my hands and arms already in fatigue just getting to where we were. I made the decision to let him pee in front of the van. (That was the not-so-stellar parenting moment.)
I got the baby in and bags in and then turned to deal with said situation. My plan was to get him a little isolated to he wouldn't just be in the middle of the parking lot peeing. As I turned to get him, he had already dropped his pants. Out it started to come.
I was embarrassed as vehicles went by. It is a small parking lot that is always full. At first I was glad there was an open spot beside my van to open my humongous doors. But then someone waited for my son to finish his job and then for us all to get in and close the door in order to use the spot beside me. I didn't want to make eye contact. Like I said, not my proudest moment. But I saw something out of the corner of my eye.
She was saying something to me, but her window was closed. I said "pardon?" (bad decision number 2) She rolled down her window and said "That is DISGUSTING! I can't believe you did that."
Oh my goodness. My heart was pounding. Before I knew it, I was at her shiny, white SUV passenger door talking very loudly in my "I'm about to lose it with a stranger voice." What am I supposed to do? I asked. I have 2 kids, and he had to go and...
Well, I have 3 kids. What if everyone did that? That's gross. - shaking head in utter disgust
I'm sorry if I offended you. That was not what I was trying to do. This is not something I normally do. I am just doing the best I can. I am just doing the best I can! What am I supposed to do?!?!?!? - Arms flailing and voice very high by this point.
She continues her head shaking and rolls up her window.
A 10 second interaction has completely ruined my day. All the joy I had felt previously was gone. For the remainder of the day (yesterday) it affected my mood and dominated my thoughts. Today, it would surface now and then, and wreak havoc, but only occasionally.
All day Thursday I was trying to figure out why I was so riled up. It was over. We may never cross paths again. (hopefully) How come my heart was still beating so fast? Why was I so anxious about it? I settled on the words I mentioned earlier: judged, embarrassed and ashamed.
This woman totally judged me based on that one thing. So just to get even, here are my judgements of her. She says she has 3 kids, but they were not with her at the gym in the middle of the day. Her SUV was clean and new. She has no idea that we had no money for groceries this week. I imagine that money is not a problem for her. She doesn't know what I have gone through the last year. She doesn't know that I have lost 91 pounds in 4 months. She doesn't know me. How dare she judge me and tell me that what I did was disgusting.
I am totally embarrassed by this too. When I think about sharing with friends, I hold myself back. I don't want to admit that I let my son pee in the parking lot. (I almost didn't share it here because more people are asking for the address.) I did it because it was easiest for me and better than telling my son to hold it until he eventually would pee his pants.
The shame is deep. Not only what I did was disgusting, but I am disgusting. Only a disgusting person would allow that to happen. Only a disgusting person would let themselves get so fat. Only a disgusting person could be so unlovable as me. This shame is not on the surface very much. But is something that is deep in my heart. As I write this, the physical pain is deep inside my ribcage.
I have been praying for emotional healing and for God to bring up what needs attention. Shame will be a big one.
Now we have to take a step back into my Lent story. The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I find that I am much more lax on the internet rules. I will search this or that. I'll look up just this one thing. Or I will follow a link because it came to me in my email, which I am allowed to do. Also, my working to see the wonder has been falling off too. I will do a bit, but won't delve in to far. I cut my prayers short for a break. I have missed a few days altogether this week.
Tonight Norm is working (I need to write about that another time.) The kids are sleeping and it is quiet. I turn on my iPod and cross stitch for a while. I have really been missing it. There just isn't enough time to do it, even with limited internet and no tv.
As I'm stitching, I'm thinking about doing my homework. I haven't done it lately. But I convince myself that I need to follow through on the working to see the wonder. I need to do the work. (The study I am doing now is Loving Well by Beth Moore. It is so amazing how God orchestrates exactly what I need to learn at specific times.) So I pull out the journal and start working.
Thoughts of this event keep running through my mind. So I stop to deal with it. I have been praying for Truth. I ask for more Truth.
I sit there and realize that God allowed this to happen. If he is in control, which I believe he is, then he either wanted this or allowed this. He knew it would happen. That really floored me. He is supposed to PROTECT me! He is supposed to care for me. He is supposed to heal me. I am supposed to feel safe with him. How can I feel safe when he allows this to happen? He allowed someone to judge me and make me embarrassed and feel ashamed. Why? I was upset.
Earlier today, on a podcast, the pastor mentioned going to John 8 to learn about demons. God was telling me to read this now. I don't remember the connection to the demon reference - oh, maybe it was being attacked or something like that. Anyway, the pastor didn't give the reference, so I just read from verse 12. Right away, in verse 15, Jesus is telling me "I judge no one." I started bawling. I can feel judged all I want, and others can judge me all they want, but Jesus judges no one!! He doesn't judge me. I was finally able to tell myself that what I did, might not have been the best, but it was NOT a sin. Jesus didn't judge me. Hallelujah! I sat with that for a bit, then I kept reading.
In verse 29 was another doozie. "He has not left me alone." After feeling the abandonment of God, that I couldn't trust him if he would allow this, I read that He has not left me alone, even in this!!! Wow! This utterly changed my spirit. I was free! I am free.
God used these events to break one of my spiritual bondages. I wonder if I have felt abandoned by God for most of my life. It really resonated with me when I thought it and prayed about it.
I have felt isolated from most people for most of my life and abandoned by God when I have asked him for help over and over and over again. I pray that this new truth will be life altering.
Well, it has taken me almost 2 hours to write this. It needed to be written as a memorial to what God is doing. AMEN
Remember this day: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 - I, kb, weighed less than my hubby for the first time ever!!! This was very exciting. With kids, we talk about who is the biggest in the family. And it is always daddy then mommy then the kids. I have always been uncomfortable in this situation because I knew I was the biggest. Daddy was the tallest, but I was the biggest. It's not something I wanted to admit to anyone but myself so I would never talk about it much. But as of Wednesday, daddy IS the biggest! It's funny, because today we were tied. Norm said I couldn't say I was smaller than him because we were now tied. I had to explain to him very slowly and carefully that I am in possession of the smallest Title. In order for him to earn the title back, he has to go even lower than me. He can't just tie me and expect to have it for himself. As I always remind him: If he had started his diet when I suggested he start, he wouldn't have had to worry about this. At least for a few more pounds.
Then, the next day, my 4 month surgiversary (thanks for reminding me to take pictures tonight!), I was 228.8. This is another milestone for me because it is the number I was at before I got pregnant with my first. I was 228 after losing about 50 lbs. Once I go under this one, I'm in new territory as an adult. I figure I was in my 220's around grade 12 and Bible college and probably 1st year university. During BLTS, I was able to squeeze into an XL from the regular stores, but it was tight. I remember at the beginning of 2nd yr university, I moved up to a size 22 - I hadn't been that high before. Right now, I'm probably a size 20 bottom. I don't have any size 20's, but my 22's are getting loose. I'm trying to make do with what I have until I can reasonably fit into the 18's in my closet. The sad parts are the changes that have happened since having 3 kids. I figure that my belly is a good 4 inches bigger than it was before kids. So, even though I'm the same number, it's not all back to where it was before.
My NSV came at the gym yesterday. Did I tell you I started to jog? My physiotherapist gave me a chart on how to learn to run from the beginning. run 1 minute, walk 4. Do this 4 times. Do it 3 times a week. The next week run 2 mins, walk 3. and so on. So, I tried it out. The kids wanted to play at a park, so I thought I would go for a walk. While I was walking I had a brainwave and tried this out. I was shocked that I could even run for one minute straight. It didn't hurt. I didn't think I would die. I made it through. I even did it the 4 times! I was quite impressed with myself. I continued to jog - although not everytime I exercised. But on Thursday at the gym, I did a very short workout - only 6 - 10 reps and only 1 set - and then I did a tiny bit of cardio. I got on the treadmill and started jogging. I thought, hey! it's time I tried for 2 mins. I was able to do it. Now, let me assure you, I am not going fast. No more than 5 miles an hour. a 12 minute mile. (The guy on the treadmill in front of me was doing 7 minute miles.) But still, I did 2 minutes. I went for my 2nd round, but my back was too sore. I go back to physio on Monday and I need it. I'll ask him about all the jarring. The plan is to ensure a pain free experience.
I was so excited. In the locker room after my 2 minutes, I met a friend and we were able to chat for a minute. Then I chatted with the childcare worker for a bit. I was actually trying to get home fast, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I think I had a divine appointment I needed to wait for.
So, on the way out to the van from the gym, I had my baby in my arm, the diaper bag on my shoulder, my gym bag in one hand and then my son walking along. For the life of me, I couldn't keep baby up, she kept slipping. Please let me explain, that my gym makes you workout before you workout. There are at least 30 stairs to climb when you come in and 30 on the way out. So, trying to get everyone and everything to the van after a workout is almost harder than climbing the stairs on the way in.
I need to preface this next part. I am embarrassed and ashamed and feel (felt?) completely judged by what I am about to share. It was definitely not one of my better parenting moments. I am sharing it because of God's power and glory and how, just an hour ago, He absolutely and completely humbled me with his grace and mercy.
As we approach the van, my son says, "I have to go pee!" I haven't noticed his pee-pee dance yet, but later I found out that some had already got out. I was feeling buoyant with all of the things I described earlier, but overwhelmed at just getting to the van. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I would be able to make it back into the gym, to the toilet for my son to actually use it. I also didn't think I would be able to make it with my hands and arms already in fatigue just getting to where we were. I made the decision to let him pee in front of the van. (That was the not-so-stellar parenting moment.)
I got the baby in and bags in and then turned to deal with said situation. My plan was to get him a little isolated to he wouldn't just be in the middle of the parking lot peeing. As I turned to get him, he had already dropped his pants. Out it started to come.
I was embarrassed as vehicles went by. It is a small parking lot that is always full. At first I was glad there was an open spot beside my van to open my humongous doors. But then someone waited for my son to finish his job and then for us all to get in and close the door in order to use the spot beside me. I didn't want to make eye contact. Like I said, not my proudest moment. But I saw something out of the corner of my eye.
She was saying something to me, but her window was closed. I said "pardon?" (bad decision number 2) She rolled down her window and said "That is DISGUSTING! I can't believe you did that."
Oh my goodness. My heart was pounding. Before I knew it, I was at her shiny, white SUV passenger door talking very loudly in my "I'm about to lose it with a stranger voice." What am I supposed to do? I asked. I have 2 kids, and he had to go and...
Well, I have 3 kids. What if everyone did that? That's gross. - shaking head in utter disgust
I'm sorry if I offended you. That was not what I was trying to do. This is not something I normally do. I am just doing the best I can. I am just doing the best I can! What am I supposed to do?!?!?!? - Arms flailing and voice very high by this point.
She continues her head shaking and rolls up her window.
A 10 second interaction has completely ruined my day. All the joy I had felt previously was gone. For the remainder of the day (yesterday) it affected my mood and dominated my thoughts. Today, it would surface now and then, and wreak havoc, but only occasionally.
All day Thursday I was trying to figure out why I was so riled up. It was over. We may never cross paths again. (hopefully) How come my heart was still beating so fast? Why was I so anxious about it? I settled on the words I mentioned earlier: judged, embarrassed and ashamed.
This woman totally judged me based on that one thing. So just to get even, here are my judgements of her. She says she has 3 kids, but they were not with her at the gym in the middle of the day. Her SUV was clean and new. She has no idea that we had no money for groceries this week. I imagine that money is not a problem for her. She doesn't know what I have gone through the last year. She doesn't know that I have lost 91 pounds in 4 months. She doesn't know me. How dare she judge me and tell me that what I did was disgusting.
I am totally embarrassed by this too. When I think about sharing with friends, I hold myself back. I don't want to admit that I let my son pee in the parking lot. (I almost didn't share it here because more people are asking for the address.) I did it because it was easiest for me and better than telling my son to hold it until he eventually would pee his pants.
The shame is deep. Not only what I did was disgusting, but I am disgusting. Only a disgusting person would allow that to happen. Only a disgusting person would let themselves get so fat. Only a disgusting person could be so unlovable as me. This shame is not on the surface very much. But is something that is deep in my heart. As I write this, the physical pain is deep inside my ribcage.
I have been praying for emotional healing and for God to bring up what needs attention. Shame will be a big one.
Now we have to take a step back into my Lent story. The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I find that I am much more lax on the internet rules. I will search this or that. I'll look up just this one thing. Or I will follow a link because it came to me in my email, which I am allowed to do. Also, my working to see the wonder has been falling off too. I will do a bit, but won't delve in to far. I cut my prayers short for a break. I have missed a few days altogether this week.
Tonight Norm is working (I need to write about that another time.) The kids are sleeping and it is quiet. I turn on my iPod and cross stitch for a while. I have really been missing it. There just isn't enough time to do it, even with limited internet and no tv.
As I'm stitching, I'm thinking about doing my homework. I haven't done it lately. But I convince myself that I need to follow through on the working to see the wonder. I need to do the work. (The study I am doing now is Loving Well by Beth Moore. It is so amazing how God orchestrates exactly what I need to learn at specific times.) So I pull out the journal and start working.
Thoughts of this event keep running through my mind. So I stop to deal with it. I have been praying for Truth. I ask for more Truth.
I sit there and realize that God allowed this to happen. If he is in control, which I believe he is, then he either wanted this or allowed this. He knew it would happen. That really floored me. He is supposed to PROTECT me! He is supposed to care for me. He is supposed to heal me. I am supposed to feel safe with him. How can I feel safe when he allows this to happen? He allowed someone to judge me and make me embarrassed and feel ashamed. Why? I was upset.
Earlier today, on a podcast, the pastor mentioned going to John 8 to learn about demons. God was telling me to read this now. I don't remember the connection to the demon reference - oh, maybe it was being attacked or something like that. Anyway, the pastor didn't give the reference, so I just read from verse 12. Right away, in verse 15, Jesus is telling me "I judge no one." I started bawling. I can feel judged all I want, and others can judge me all they want, but Jesus judges no one!! He doesn't judge me. I was finally able to tell myself that what I did, might not have been the best, but it was NOT a sin. Jesus didn't judge me. Hallelujah! I sat with that for a bit, then I kept reading.
In verse 29 was another doozie. "He has not left me alone." After feeling the abandonment of God, that I couldn't trust him if he would allow this, I read that He has not left me alone, even in this!!! Wow! This utterly changed my spirit. I was free! I am free.
God used these events to break one of my spiritual bondages. I wonder if I have felt abandoned by God for most of my life. It really resonated with me when I thought it and prayed about it.
I have felt isolated from most people for most of my life and abandoned by God when I have asked him for help over and over and over again. I pray that this new truth will be life altering.
Well, it has taken me almost 2 hours to write this. It needed to be written as a memorial to what God is doing. AMEN
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Progress report
We are 2 weeks into lent. As stated, I have given up tv watching and computer use other than writing this amazing blog and doing email. The tv has been ok. I watched the gold medal hockey game with my husband (he taped it, so we watched it after the kids went to bed.) and then a show after that. Oh yeah, it was Amazing Race. Those cowboys are fun!
Giving up the tv hasn't been that much of a challenge. The tv is downstairs. None of my life is downstairs except for laundry. There is nothing to draw me downstairs unless it is watching tv. I like a few shows, but it's not as compulsive as it used to be. I knew this and that was why I also felt I needed to give up my computer time. That has been another story.
It has not been easy. I have relaxed the rules about only checking my email once a day. Now I check it a number of times a day - not that there is anything that exciting in there - and I have used the computer a few times other than writing. Tonight I watched Carnie Wilson on Dr Oz someone has posted it on her blog. A couple of days ago, I researched activity classes with the city for the kids. I registered them for swimming. I have read a couple of blogs as I have gone to post my own. I think there were a couple of other times, but I can't remember exactly when or what.
Not having my computer access has left me feeling frustrated and isolated and much less informed. I get a lot of my news and information and general living stuff online. When someone says to check out a website, I can't. If I want to find out the answer to something I can't. I went to get the paper copy of the program guide for the activities and they were out. What was I supposed to do to find out about the programs coming up? The new spring guide will be out tomorrow, I think, and so I can have a copy to register for later programs. But I really felt helpless. I really depend on this connection.
Another area I have really felt the loss is in support of my surgery. I haven't heard of any local support groups. I love bariatrictv.com. I am not able to go there to ask questions or offer help to anyone else. I have been in a food funk and not wanting to cook. Part of that is I get my recipes online. I have no cookbooks.
Has giving this up brought me to prayer? I would have to say yes. Since I am not spending my time online, I have the time to spend learning and praying. I will often take upwards of 2 hours to do my "homework." I have tried to remind myself that my Saviour was beaten within an inch of his life and then crucified with the burden of all the sins in the world on his shoulders. He felt abandoned by his Father. He willingly gave his life to save mine. Thank you, Jesus! Not going online is no big deal.
Giving up the tv hasn't been that much of a challenge. The tv is downstairs. None of my life is downstairs except for laundry. There is nothing to draw me downstairs unless it is watching tv. I like a few shows, but it's not as compulsive as it used to be. I knew this and that was why I also felt I needed to give up my computer time. That has been another story.
It has not been easy. I have relaxed the rules about only checking my email once a day. Now I check it a number of times a day - not that there is anything that exciting in there - and I have used the computer a few times other than writing. Tonight I watched Carnie Wilson on Dr Oz someone has posted it on her blog. A couple of days ago, I researched activity classes with the city for the kids. I registered them for swimming. I have read a couple of blogs as I have gone to post my own. I think there were a couple of other times, but I can't remember exactly when or what.
Not having my computer access has left me feeling frustrated and isolated and much less informed. I get a lot of my news and information and general living stuff online. When someone says to check out a website, I can't. If I want to find out the answer to something I can't. I went to get the paper copy of the program guide for the activities and they were out. What was I supposed to do to find out about the programs coming up? The new spring guide will be out tomorrow, I think, and so I can have a copy to register for later programs. But I really felt helpless. I really depend on this connection.
Another area I have really felt the loss is in support of my surgery. I haven't heard of any local support groups. I love bariatrictv.com. I am not able to go there to ask questions or offer help to anyone else. I have been in a food funk and not wanting to cook. Part of that is I get my recipes online. I have no cookbooks.
Has giving this up brought me to prayer? I would have to say yes. Since I am not spending my time online, I have the time to spend learning and praying. I will often take upwards of 2 hours to do my "homework." I have tried to remind myself that my Saviour was beaten within an inch of his life and then crucified with the burden of all the sins in the world on his shoulders. He felt abandoned by his Father. He willingly gave his life to save mine. Thank you, Jesus! Not going online is no big deal.
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