My bags are packed

Okay, my bags are not packed, but I'm only taking a backpack to Montreal so it shouldn't take long.

I am getting soooo excited about the thought that the possibility of dealing with my overeating and weight problems in a permanent way! I am really looking forward to the freedom that a small stomach affords. I am looking forward to immediate feedback from my body if I eat something inappropriate. I am thinking ahead to getting new clothes - even from my own wardrobe - and wondering what kind of clothes I will pick. I am looking forward to being able to choose from more than 3 stores. I am even hoping my feet will shrink and I won't have to buy old lady shoes because my feet are so fat.

I have been smaller, but not that much smaller. I was at 228 lbs for about 8 months, down from 275, until I got pregnant with my oldest. I was about a size 18 then. I felt amazing. People didn't recognize me. I wasn't ashamed to meet people. Yet, my BMI was 39.1 at that weight. Just 0.9 away from qualifying for surgery. Amazing. Perspective is everything. When I hit 228 on the way up, in high school, I sure didn't feel amazing! At every weight, I lamented how I looked and felt. Yet, to be that weight now would be great. If, 2 years ago, I hated being 260, I would love to be 260 now. Even though I would qualify, I might not even consider surgery at that weight.

I read on the WW site, that one pound is so lonely and rejected because no one ever wants to lose one pound. That's true for me.

I love the White Coat Black Art podcast on CBC. Here's the link http://www.cbc.ca/whitecoat/
Last week he did a show on bariatric surgery. One person he interviewed said putting a morbidly obese person on a diet is like telling an heroin addict that they can shoot up, but only at these times and only a certain amount. That heroin addict would die. Yet we tell "fat" people to not only shop, plan, and prepare all their own meals without going over their allotted portion for that time. We are surrounded with porn: sex and food. You can't drive down any roads without passing fat, salt and sugar in the shape of a meal.

While I subcribe to the notion that many obese people are addicts to food, it's a catch 22. Going the "anonymous" route seems much like a diet with some spirituality thrown in. I'm not sure that taking the 12 steps of AA and replacing food can work for a lot of people. I attended Overeaters Anonymous for about 3 years. I found people who I could relate with and had very similar stories as I did, but I found very little recovery. In my group, it was hard to find a sponsor because there were so few of them. (That, and I hate asking for help.) The idea of maintaining any kind of "abstinence" is really difficult when surrounded by food porn.

It is possible that I am not a fan because it didn't work for me. yeah, maybe. But I also know, that it doesn't work for a lot of people. One stat I heard a few years ago stated that fewer than 10% of people get sober through 12 steps.

That just brings to mind that maybe the 12 steps are great for keeping one sober, once that has been attained. Maybe I should consider going back to OA to work on my stuff after my surgery, when it is impossible to eat. Hmmm.

Let's go back to Montreal... So I leave home at around noon and get into mo-ray-al around 8. I get to my beautiful sounding B&B, sleep - or toss and turn, don't eat the amazing breakfast they have prepared, walk to the hospital, have blood work, get to the assessment clinic, assess for 6 hours and head back to the airport to go home. BUSY! Hence the backpack. I don't want to be lugging a suitcase all over the island!

I've been trying to research ways of getting around for cheap. A taxi from the airport is almost $40 to downtown. The shuttle is only 16, but it doesn't go directly to my b&B. I don't really want to wander around downtown Montreal at 9pm. And then going back to the airport, there are a few options with a bus or train. I'm not sure about the airport shuttle. I have no idea where it goes. Maybe cabs are my easiest bet. Maybe on my next trip for my surgery I will be more adventurous. At least before they cut me open!

My husband has really been getting on my nerves lately. He forgot to pay our insurance bill, he didn't buckle the baby up and she fell out of her rocking chair, he doesn't clean up after himself around the house and he hasn't made a sale! Writing this makes me feel like a shmuk because he loves me more than I know. Oh yeah, that's another thing... He doesn't stop telling me he loves me! I can't even believe that I'm complaining about that, but right now, it's like I'm a very dark, deep abyss. His comments and compliments just get sucked in and vanish. I don't store them and remind myself later. They don't make me feel good about myself. I just think, "Yeah, right." How aweful is that? I definitely don't deserve him.

Well, I guess that's enough for today. Good Night.

wohoo!

Did I ever tell you I am glad I have this blog to write it all out at 12:15 in the morning? I went to bed early tonight, read a very long chapter in my book and tried to sleep. 10:30, 10:50, 11:17... My mind wouldn't quit! I finally decided to get up and write it all down so I could tell myself not to worry. I won't forget anything.

The big news is that the clinic in Montreal (pronounced mow-ray-al - well not really "mow", but it's closer to mow than to mon) called today to schedule an appointment. I thought I would have my consultation over the phone and only have to travel for the actual surgery. But no. (Hey! I just got it. It's probably closer to "mo" than "mow". so please pronounce it mo-ray-al.) I need to show my chubby self in person both to the dr. and to the psychologist. And soon! my appointment is on Oct. 5.

This has really got me thinking about all that I need to do to be prepared for the consultation. I need to have answers for why i need this surgery and how I got this big. I need to know how I will handle myself after the surgery and how I won't fail. I also am spending a lot of mental energy on how to speak in French.

At one point in my life, I was very good at french. In university, I felt pretty proficient. I had a large enough vocab and these words came to me quickly enough to speak without feeling like a dork. Now, 15, heck, almost 20 years later, I found myself lying in bed thinking, "how do I pronounce 'ouest'? what will I tell the cab driver? Do I try to speak in French or will they understand my english?" Making phone calls to book hotels and speak with the drs, I had no problem in English. I have heard that it is easier to be served in English in Montreal than French. But I would like to be able to converse like I used to. Today on the phone, I was tempted to respond in French, but by the time a couple of seconds passed, I realized it was a hopeless cause. Now I wonder if maybe I should take some French courses to learn it all over again.

But back to the surgery again. I am worried that they will tell me "no". that i won't be considered a good candidate. I don't know how many people they turn down, but I don't want to be one of them. One clinic in the states talks about all the people they turn down, this website doesn't, so I hope that means they don't.

The other thing I spent time on today was going throught he medical transcription program I am considering. I'm not sure whether I should do this or not. The online program takes at least a year. Am I that disciplined? I think I will enjoy it. I love typing, I love learning about medical stuff and I could work from home. But will I have enough time to work on it? I have 3 kids, i'm planning on having major surgery and changing my life as I have known it for 37 years. Can I add something else that will demand so much? I also just started a Bible study that has homework. (hear screeching in the background.) I want to study God's word more. Right now, it's the easiest to forget or purposefully leave out of my day. That's not how I want to live. I want my faith to be vital in my life. I want Jesus to change my life the way the surgery will. That requires "spiritual disciplines". My old pattern has been to do it for a while and then leave it behind for a longer while. I have thus far evaded the discipline part of disciple.

Speaking of God, today my daughter asked God to live in her. She has been experiencing a lot of fear these days. For a long time she was afraid of the dragon in her dream. It was always trying to eat her hand. The last couple of days, she has been afraid of getting cancer. They had the Terry Fox Run at school yesterday and in the process of talking about Terry and cancer, Anada came up with the thought of how bad it would be for her to get cancer. I have been unable to tell her that she for sure won't get cancer (because she just might) and so I have been telling her how the only way to handle it is to trust Jesus. He's the only one who can control whether she will get cancer or not. We can try to live well by eating our veggies and being active, but we all know lots of healthy people who get cancer. I believe that God controls what happens to us, the good and the bad. Even Job, in the Bible, who lost everything and nearly died, was being tested by Satan with the permission of God. God allowed all of that to happen. God allowed me to have depression for most of my life. God allows everything as he works out what was meant for evil to be used for good. This gives me a lot of peace. Even with this surgery thing coming up, one of the risks is death. I could die. or maybe even worse, I could live but be permanently sick or injured. I take much comfort in the fact that whatever happens is in God's control. Only what he wants for me will happen. I don't plan on getting sick, but if I do, I can trust that he allowed it to happen and his greater glory will result.

So Anada prayed. She did have a joy on her face after. I pray that God will transform her, that even though she is only 5, that she will understand what she can and tu rn to God for the rest of her life.



So, am I ready to sleep? I hope so!

pins and needles

I just can't wait for the phone call from the clinic in Montreal saying, "it's time for your consultation and when would you like to schedule your life-saving, life-altering, minimally invasive gastric bypass surgery with the only surgeon in Canada doing these surgeries full time?"

I would answer, "Tomorrow, please."

I have been eating a lot more lately. It doesn't seem to matter that I am not hungry. All that does matter is that there is a constant stream of sugary, fat laden food ready to stretch my already swollen belly. Ok, and I'm not trying to cop out on this, but I think that part of the equation is working on WW for a couple of months. I didn't deprive myself, by any means, but the idea of staying within a limit has set off the rebellious part of my nature where I show the world that nothing can hold me in.

I have been eating a lot faster than normal. As I am eating, it is like I am watching someone else put all of this food into my mouth. There is a small, quiet voice objecting to my behaviour. But this voice barely squeaks out, "you're not really hungry, you know" and "um, if you don't want to, you don't really, um, have to, um, eat that." The voice must know that I am likely to shout it out of existence if it dares to be audible. I picture a cartoon character's hair being blown back by the force out of my mouth. The venom that spews when anyone dares question me.

Even today, I have eaten very regularly for most of the day. I had a dessert when I got home from dinner and now I am plotting my snack for tv. My dessert was literally full of air and my tummy is very full. That's no concern. Chips are flat! they hardly take up any room at all.

Did I mention that I applied for surgery? I really am waiting on pins and needles for the process to proceed. I know they have my application. Now I am waiting for a consult with the dr. and hopefully an appointment shortly thereafter. I am seeing it as unlocking my prison door. That finally, after 34 years, I can live my life without food being the center. The surgery not only makes my stomach the size of my thumb, but it also cuts the nerves from my stomach to my brain. It will actually change the way I think about food. I have heard 0f people who actually have to force themselves to eat because they forget. I currently eat just in case I might get hungry.

A lot of people thing surgery is extreme. You know what? It is! I am planning to have my body permanently altered through surgery where the risk includes death.

Do you know what else is extreme? That I need to lose more than the majority of women weigh. To be at the bottom end of my healthy BMI, I need to lose 180 lbs. A woman who weighs 180lbs today, would consider herself fat. I need to lose all of her. That is extreme.

Evolutionarily, I would have won. I could outlive most people during a famine. It's the time of plenty that we live in that is the tough part.

me, myself and I

I am so selfish. It invades every part of my life. I am selfish when I let my kids do what they want so I won't have to entertain them. I am selfish when I don't cook dinner because then I leave few options but to go out to eat. I am selfish when I am distant with my husband because I am not giving him what he needs (and deserves). I am selfish when I get angry because I am angry with whatever is going on interfering with my plans. I am selfish when I overeat and binge because it doesn't help anybody.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about this. I was thinking that I need to make a list of my selfish habits and then a list of the ways that I am allowed to be selfish like taking some time to be alone, like going for a walk, like reading a book, like creating a hobby for myself. Often I will forgo the positive selfishness because I have been so negatively selfish. The other day, I was so tired and needed a break, but because I had already been selfish that afternoon, I thought I should at least get some stuff done even though I made the rest of my family miserable. It would have been much better to take care of myself emotionally and take some time away rather than grudgingly staying busy.

This is not a skill I am good at. In fact, my selfishness is just becoming to bubble to the surface of my consciousness.

I'm not sure how to stay unselfish during the times when I would normally check out. Will it work to use "justified selfishness" as a reward? I obviously don't know. Ihaven't done it before, but I will try. I will try to be more present with my family and just take the time when I need to really get away without guilt. Hopefully everyone will be better off.

Summer's end

Wow! It feels like it's been forever since I've been here. The end of summer has arrived with my daughter entering kindergarten, my son still needing to learn toileting skills in order to go to preschool next week and my baby being her usual delightful self.

Karissa really makes me smile. She always greets me with a smile and a coo. If i start to giggle with her, she will often giggle back. She hardly cries and just basically handles what life (mommy) throws at her.

My other kids are making me cringe these days. Their attitude leaves a lot to be desired. It's argument after argument; whining and crying when they don't get their way. They are always disagreeing with someone whether it be me or each other. It's a good thing I have a lot of hair! I find that I am getting more on edge again. I was really bad for a while. The littlest thing could set me off. Then, after counselling, I was better able to calm myself down. "Soothe myself." And now, I am finding myself slipping back.

We have been really busy with school, and work, and de-cluttering and trying to find a cat hiding out in our house. With all the chaos, it's hard to find peace. I think it's the same for my kids. While being so busy is stressful, it's also something I've wanted. I often feel that I am not living up to what I want my life to be. I am starting to require more of myself. Part of that is getting more done. Leaving procrastination for another day and just doing what needs to be done.

One thing i have done this last week, is mail an application for gastric bypass. I am really excited and nervous at the same time. I am excited that I will finally have a way to lose weight permanently without having to fight each and every second. In the surgery, they cut the nerves around your stomach. Often that means that the signals that would tell you to eat are no long there. I have heard of people having to force themselves to eat because they just don't feel like it. I am excited that I will get to wear smaller clothes instead of worrying that even the plus size clothes stores won't have my size. I'm excited that I will be able to fit into the world - on the rides at the amusment park, in my husband's 20 year old truck, in a helicopter (that I had to get out of because the seat belt was too small for my ample girth.)

This is where the nervous part comes in: they can turn me down. They can look at my chart and say no. I don't know what the exact circumstnace is where they would turn me down, but I have heard of people "failing" the psychological assessment and being turned down. The acutal surgery doesn't bother me too much. AFter 3 c-sections, I think this one will be a breeze.

So, I mailed the application on Friday, tomorrow is Labour Day, so they should get it Tuesday or Wednesday. Then they will have to get all the reports (the hospital said they can only get them to me in 3 months) and assess my case and book me for a consultation. If all goes well, then I pay my money and book my surgery time. The sooner the better, but the receptionist said they are booking into late October.

I really can't weight. (get it?!?!?) My eating is getting crazier and crazier. I'm going to start calling myself hoover. Most nights, I'll sit down with 1 litre of ice cream. Or tonight, I remembered I had bought some chocolate for a party I am going to have, so I had some of that. I'm really out of control. I heard myself tell myself, "From now on, if I want something, i'll have it. I won't say no. I only have a few weeks left until I won't be able to hardly eat anything." At the time, I thought the thought was fine, but as I type it, I can finally see it as a bit warped. (but only a bit.)

Well, I should go to bed. Even if it's for good purposes, This darned computer always makes me go to bed late!!!

kb