Bucking up

Finally an update. It has been pretty busy in my life lately.

Almost a week ago, was my 2 month surgiversary. As I've said before, it hasn't been easy, but some of the things that were hard are getting easier. Things like it no longer feels like I have splinters of wood poking out of my stomach every time I eat. Also, I am better able to read my body signals for fullness and sickness. When it comes to fullness, I have noticed that even though I think I'm full, I will still take another bite or 2 just to test it out. "Maybe I'm not really full." says the old brain. Learning to stop is a challenge. But also, sometimes I do need to push through the first part of the meal before my pouch accepts the last part. It's almost as if my pouch has a closed sign on it and won't switch it to open until it has been shown that what's going down isn't so bad.

I haven't been sick for quite a while. I threw up the other day after drinking fairly fast in order to get a vitamin unstuck from my throat. It was stuck for a couple of days. The throwing up actually helped, so I didn't mind. But other than that, it's probably been a few weeks. I can't remember exactly. Tonight I felt a bit nauseous after eating a cup of cream of chicken soup. It was quite good, but I think there were too many carbs for me to eat at once.

Speaking of soup... This is currently my favourite meal. It is warm, and soft and it goes down so nicely! I made a cream of broccoli soup from scratch last week and it was amazing. It is thickened with a bit of flour, but there are grated carrots in it, so they help to thicken it too. Also, the carrots look like cheese, so your brain is fooled into thinking you are eating cheese, when you aren't! The recipe is at www.eatingwelllivingthin.wordpress.com I am new to her blog, but I will definitely have to spend more time there as she has some really great meals.

The other reason I'm fond of soup is that it is more like drinking than eating and I don't feel like eating. I've been trying quite a few new recipes lately, and very few of them actually appeal to me. I will have my 1 inch square, but then not want to eat it again. (not good for dealing with leftovers.) I feel my jaw clenching shut as if to say, I will not eat. You can't make me! I've been told that the hunger does come back and to enjoy this time of not wanting to eat, but... It feels so odd to not want to eat. To almost be repulsed by food. I've always been repulsed by me when it comes to food, not the food itself! Repulsed by what I ate, or how much I ate or how fast or where I ate, or where I got the food from (ie. the garbage) or how I felt after I ate. I would never look at the food and think, I can't even imagine putting you in my mouth.

In addition, my calorie consumption is still pretty low. I figure I eat somewhere between 400 to 600 calories a day depending on how many peanuts I have. (1/3 cup of the honey roasted ones I have are 300 calories. So, if I have a full serving or a bit more, then my count will be higher.) 200 calories come from my protein drinks.

So let's talk about someone else's eating problems.

My son is refusing to eat almost anything that is put before him as a meal. He is 4 and whatever the food is, he says he doesn't like it. I have never forced my kids to finish their plate or eat what they truly don't like (but I don't make separate food for them either), but I do make them take one bite of whatever it is they have been served. Alex will fight this, but tonight he did it because I told him he couldn't leave the table until he finished his bites. I am also considering cutting out his mid morning and afternoon snacks so that he will be very hungry at meal time. He lives for his snacks right now. They aren't the worst snacks he could be having, but they are not veggies! His favourite is pudding, closely followed by anything else with sugar. I'll have to buck up and really work on a plan for him. Right now it's just a lot easier to let him have what he wants. I really hope this is a phase!!!

I've also been busy going to the gym! YAY! We (Norm and I) signed up in October and I hadn't been since October. We decided to start going while Alex is in school. It's been good. I have been 4 times. I already feel more fit and stronger. I haven't been that sore, but a little just to remind me of what I'm working on. It's not a pretty gym, but the other patrons seems really neat. It's like a little family of people who talk and chat as they work out. A bunch of regulars. I hope to be a regular too.

I'm doing a Bible study by Beth Moore on the book of Esther. It's pretty good. Back in November I missed a couple of sessions - Anada's surgery and my surgery - and I just viewed the lessons last week. The phrase she used was, "Are you willing to work to see the wonder?" This is now my life statement/question. I want a lot of wonder in my life, but I have often not been willing to put in the work. I want a transformed life, a transformed mind, a transformed body. I want it all yesterday. There are many times when I have been inspired and started a transforming work, but I didn't follow through. After the inspiration was gone and I needed perspiration, I was outta there. For me that is the meaning of work. It is approaching God with my time and energy without knowing the outcome. It is allowing Him to do what He wants with, in and through me. But that can't happen if I don't show up. This has been happening in a couple of ways. I have been doing a study every day for the last week. (I missed one day.) I have committed to doing a study every day. (I'll need to find another one to work on for when I am caught up on my homework!) I have also started a devotional. A time where I can meet God personally and I have chosen to read a Psalm and a Proverb during this time and pray through them. God's word is alive and active. Working out is part of this work too. God has given me the opportunity to transform my body and my health. I need to work on the habits that will get me there and keep me there. When I first started working as a letter carrier, I was 275 lbs. But even then, I discovered that God made our bodies to move. Less than a century ago, most of the work people did included moving. Now, we sit for a living. It's sad.

I love God's providence. If I had watched those videos at the time they were scheduled, I don't think I would have come to the same understanding I have just recently. They would have been interesting and something would have stood out, but I really see how I needed the messages now rather than in November. I have a new perspective on my life. Some Christians have a dividing line in their life: before Christ and after Christ. I don't. I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. But, I now have a different dividing line: before surgery and after surgery. Surgery being the pivot point where God reversed my destiny.

Thanks for hanging in there! It was a long one today. Lots to spout off.

new photo

I just need to tell you that my 4 yr old took this picture. I think he did a pretty good job - if you ignore the partial finger! It's actually a much better picture than I took on my own!

yippee!

Today is my 8 week birthday. I am down 57 pounds. That's not bad.

I have had a couple of Non-Scale Victories (NSV) in the last few days.

My mom gave me a size 22 pair of jeans that I had given her. I tried them on. And I could wear them! Now let me tell you that after 3 children, my body is not the same! Even if I am at the same weight, my body has put things in different places. I tend to store a lot of fat in my belly and since having kids, it seems to collect there even more. It was funny, because I could do up the button without any struggle, but to complete the zipper job, I had to lay down. I would have worn them out, but they are Capri's! And we all know that you can't wear Capri's in the winter. DUH!

The 2nd neat thing I have noticed is when I get in the van. I pile everyone in first, do up seat belts and then finally get in myself. As I get in, I look at the seat and think, "Oh, I don't think I will fit there. It looks too close to the steering wheel." I go anyway and then I fit! Yay! My belly doesn't even touch the steering wheel. It will be odd as I go forward and have increasing more room. This also relates to one of the reasons for me having surgery. Increasingly I wasn't fitting into standard situations - booths, clothes of the rack, vehicles, amusement park rides and my husband's very old truck. It was built for a man who has long legs and can reach the pedals without a problem. I have short, itty-bitty legs. I couldn't drive his truck because I couldn't get the seat close enough without my belly crashing into the wheel. Now, not that I really want to drive his truck, but it is nice to have the flexibility once in a while! I haven't tested it, but I figure I have another 30 or 40 pounds to go before I could really fit.

So, I have started my meds. I think it's a good idea for right now. I have spent the last few days very unmotivated and my house is paying for it.

so, what else?

I think Norm and I will start working out together in the mornings while Alex is at school. That should be good.

When will I remember to chew my food? I still forget and remember when it's already down the pipe and then promptly forget as I do the same thing with the next bite. CRAZY!

flip flop

So I filled the prescription for my depression meds. They are currently sitting on my counter where they have been for the past number of days. I just am not sure I want to start taking them. I'm back to where we started.

I feel better. The fog has started to lift. My motivation seems okay. I have started my cross stitching again. Currently, the only symptom is I still have a hard time getting up in the morning. That and I spend a huge amount of time in front of the computer.

Once I start, I think it will be hard to stop. That means a long time on meds. I really hate that idea. But, as I told someone else, "You know what you need to do." I should follow my own advice.

Here goes!

cleaning up

Today, I went to the dentist. first time in a LONG time. It was actually not that bad. I don't even have to go back for more cleaning. The hygenist got it all in one go. I will go back for a filling and to get impressions for my mouth guard. I feel good about it. It makes me feel healthier. AND, because of my insurance plan and barter dollars, I only had to pay for parking!!! How great is that? Oh! the appointment was in the middle of the day, so I also got a few hours away from my house!!! Really, it was just the perfect midday for a middle aged mom.

Yummy!

Never in a million years did I ever think I would title a blog "Yummy" when I am talking about Tofu!!!

Oh, oh! Norm just saw that line. Now he knows we are having tofu. I hope he will eat it anyway.

There is something about tofu that I find quite repulsive. I have never cooked it. I have avoided it at the chinese food buffets and now, I have cooked it in my own home.

I bought it after my surgery thinking that it would be a good break from meat, meat and more meat. I bought the extra firm because the softer stuff turns my stomach. Tonight I was thinking about making a stir fry with shrimp but then saw the tofu. Oh why not, I thought. I cut it up and got all my asian sauces out. I had some sesame oil, hoisin sauce and a bit of soy sauce. I fried them up and they tasted not bad. Then I added some peanut satay sauce. The tofu soaked it all up. It tastes really good! Also, it looks great because the tofu "browned" and maybe even carmelized a bit!

Yummy! Really!

Sorry, I thought about taking pics but then I would have to download them and that seems like too much work.

Insert Witty title here.

I had it all thought out in my mind while I was trying to fall asleep tonight. But when I got on the computer, I got lost in FBland. So, my witty title is gone.

In fact, so is the angst I was feeling laying down trying to sleep. Oh, wait a minute. Okay. Good. The angst is back.

Today, the trouble is my parenting. I am an awful mother right now. It's like I start the day with a lock. And as the day wears on, the shank of the lock gets worn down too. Every argument between the kids, each time something is spilled, all the clutter that comes from trying to entertain 3 kids and trying to put away my own clutter just wears me down. By the time that later afternoon arrives, the lock has nearly been cut open. And when the last of the metal has been worn away, I become a raving mad lunatic unable to control my temper. I become like my 5 year old having a tantrum, except I should be able to do something about mine.

It's like I'm swimming upstream with hundreds of obstacles being thrown at me. I get more and more frustrated as I have to negotiate each one until finally I say "screw it!" and just get out of the river.

Once I am angry, it is hard for me to calm down and then each little thing sends me screaming again. Sometimes I think I should have been a parent 50 years ago when how I treat my kids was more acceptable - not less hurtful, just more acceptable.

I see how my kids react to me when I'm like this and it bothers me a lot. I am doing exactly what I am telling them not to do. I am behaving inappropriately. Yet, I guess it doesn't bother me enough to avoid the behaviour. Once the valve is loose, there is a lot of steam to be released.

Right now is a difficult time. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm depressed right now. I'm in the middle of withdrawl from overeating. Finding new ways to cope with my life will take some time. Anada has been home from school for the holidays and so the kids are doing a lot of fighting and arguing. I have no idea how much fighting is normal. I remember fighting with my siblings, but looking back I thought someone should intervene. I intervene, but I also am not helping them figure things out. One time I will tell them they need to work it out and the next time I will tell them both to go for a time out or to bed just to get them to stop. My daughter has an awful attitude and disagrees with both me and Norm at every turn. Gee, I wonder where she gets if from.

I'm not sure I can handle working on something else that needs so much mental energy. Even when I remain calm, I often find myself congratulating myself on staying calm. It's usually still quite early in the day at that point. I don't know where all the pressure comes from that I can hardly make it through the day without having a breakdown. My husband does so much to ease my stress and I'm usually only home with the kids by myself for less than 6 hours a day, yet often, it feels like too much.

Tonight I thanked God that my husband loves me so much (I don't know why) and that the risk of me becoming a single mom is very low. I have no idea how single moms can make it. How can they do everything for their children and themselves all day every day and still have their sanity?

Of course, that brings me to another reason why I'm not a great parent: I am so selfish. One of the reasons I blow up is that my kids aren't doing what I want them to do. They aren't listening or obeying or quiet or whatever it is that I have just said. I expect them to do what I say when I say it or I get ugly. I do think kids need to follow their parent's instructions, but when I turn ugly, it doesn't seem to help the situation. So why do I still do it?

I went for counselling in the summer for my anger after my baby was born. It helped. Now, I'm not quite as bad as I was then, but it's close.

Being winter doesn't help. I try not to leave the house unless I'm by myself. It seems so overwhelming to bundle all the kids up to get into the van to drive somewhere to do what we were going to do and then repeat it all again on the way home. I feel like my kids are not obedient enough to take them out with me. Today I wanted to go to a light store to look for a chandelier, but there was no way I would go to a place that was completely breakable with 3 monsters! Not only that, but then it's always "can we buy that? Can we buy this? I want that!" For the entire time we are in the store. It's punishment.

sigh. I hope I can get better. I pray I can summon the energy it takes to be a good mom. I pray my kids can overcome the hand they have been dealt.