Obsessed

I've started watching a bit more tv lately. I guess it is in place of my computer time as I've been cutting that back a bit.

Monday nights are one of my favourite tv nights. I keep it on A&E all night. Last night I watched 2 episodes of Obsessed back to back. I would have continued with Intervention, but it was one I already saw and shock of shocks, I turned the tv off.

Something about these shows really resonates with me. The addictions, the compulsions, the helplessness. I watch the people and get glimpses of myself and my state of mind. I see how bad their situations are and wonder how long it would take me to get to the same place. Sometimes I know I am already past them.

I am coming up to a new place in my eating where I am able to eat more. I am able to tolerate most foods. Not much seems to get stuck anymore. The other day we were out visiting and I ate an entire sandwich for lunch. Mind you, it wasn't one of those HUGE sandwiches - just 2 pieces of bread, some cucumber, tomato, and a few slices of meat. But I ate the whole thing. I was kind of surprised. Was it too much? Should I have eaten that much?

Lately I have been eating a lot more carbs. I have not been drinking en0ugh water or eating enough protein. The rules that I was able to ignore earlier out, are starting to become important. I now need to make an effort to eat my protein first, limit starchy carbs and almost eliminate sugar. (Did you catch that?!?!? I said "almost eliminate." I can't even type the idea that I have to give up sugar!)

Some of my old bad habits are creeping back in - like eating whatever it is that is out. I made rice krispie squares for the kids yesterday. I didn't pack them up so they were out of sight. Instead I kept on taking a bit here and a bit there. Then a few minutes later, a bit more. I ate about 1/2 the pan. Finally, this morning (after eating some) I put them in bags for the kids. Almost instantly, I was able to not eat them. Once I had gone through the motion of putting them away, they were out of my mind.

Last night when I got home with the kids, Norm had popcorn out. I hadn't even been thinking of popcorn. But since I saw it and smelled it, then I had to have some. I popped my own and then melted some extra butter to put on top. I ate it while watching Obsessed.

In my past, I was definitely on the "see food" diet. You know, whatever I saw I ate. Or, if I didn't eat it then, I would search it out later. Of course always eating way more than my share.

This is where my new thought has come in. The treatment for the people who have OCD on Obsessed is "exposure therapy." Where the therapist walks them through something they would normally compulse and obsess about. Except that they aren't allowed to follow through with what they want to do. It causes a lot of stress and anxiety. They then have to sit with the feelings until they diminish.

I'm thinking that this might be something I could work on in relation to my food. As I blogged about earlier, food - especially sugary food - has a strong attraction for me. When I try to avoid the food, I become anxious. The anxiety heightens until I eat some. And usually, I am not able to control the amount I eat after I start.

After having gastric bypass, I felt so free from this compulsion to eat. I couldn't believe how I didn't even want to eat. I didn't really think it would return. Now that it has, I need to find a solution to deal with it. I need to be able to leave food on the counter without it having so much power over me. Maybe this exposure therapy can help.

Ok. Now I feel like "bad" Christian. I also believe that this compulsion is spiritual in nature and that food in my life is not yet under the Lordship of Christ. Why would I need exposure therapy when Christ is all sufficient? When I depose food from it's place of worship in my life, wouldn't that take care of it? *SIGH* I don't know.