recommitment ceremony

Wow. 2 posts in one week. Will wonders never cease?

I want to talk about a couple of things.

one: I have had to recommit to eating properly. I am only 10 months out from my surgery and my eating has become really bad. I was eating a lot of carb based food. I would eat a bag of microwave popcorn most nights before bed. I would eat breads - whole wheat, white, banana, zucchini, you name it - and desserts and chips and chocolate. I would eat instead of drinking water. I would eat junk instead of getting my protein. I wouldn't take care of what I was eating because there was seemingly no consequence. My body is so used to digesting carbs and sugars, that I hardly dump at all. (The only thing that will cause me to dump severely and quickly is milk. more than 1/2 cup and I'm toast.)

Now, I have my consequence. And it is making me look in the mirror and decide my course of action. The scale has been bouncing in the low 180's for over a month. I have dipped as low as 179.2 but then back up again. This is the first time that I haven't dropped in a somewhat steady manner. It bothers me. So, now I know I have reached the point in time where what I put in my mouth does matter. Now, I am an obese *still* person trying to lose more weight as well as keep off what I have already lost.

I have been asking myself if I would be happy to stay at the weight I am now. And, the answer would be a qualified yes. I am ok at this weight. I fit into clothes, booths, cars, small spaces. Being 180 is not the end of the world. But I would not be "happy". I would again be disappointed in myself for not working harder. For not really giving it all I had. For not doing all I could to reach my goal of a normal bmi.

A good chunk of my life I have lived in fear. I am afraid of failing. So much so that I don't even try. If I don't try, I can't fail. For some reason, I would rather not apply for a job I might not get. I would rather not tell you I'm recommitting to eating healthier in case I feel I am unable to follow through. I have always had a hard time with the promises I make to myself. It is easy to break them. It's only me I'm letting down.

I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to follow through on the commitments I make to myself. I want to hold myself accountable instead of looking to other people to make me do what I am unwilling to make myself do. And then find that accountability doesn't work.

One of the greatest gifts I have received from this journey is the knowledge that I have choices. I never felt like I had a choice before. The compulsion to overeat and hide was so strong, that I didn't see a way out. Now I know my way out. I have been given the ability to see my choices. I know that I won't die if I don't eat: I hardly ate for weeks on end and made it through. I can choose to eat the treat or choose not to. For now, I believe I need to choose not to in order to reach my goals.

Again, for fear of failure, I never had goals before. The concept of consciously denying myself now in light of something bigger was foreign. After surgery was the first time I heard myself say, "no. I won't have that now because later I'm going to have that." Instead, I would eat whatever I wanted thinking I would deal with the effects later (such as keep up with my diet later) except that I never did deal with the consequences later. I would just keep going with my blinders on. Whenever I was faced with food, I would always indulge never weighing my options. Saying no because I had a plan was never an option to me. The plan that I might have had was not enough to keep my accountable.

So, all of this was to say that I have learned and grown in the last 10 months. But even so, it takes as much work as it always did.

I had a second point, didn't I. I think I will leave it for another day.

Welcome Back!

Hi. Long time no see.

Yeah. I know. There are a couple of things that have held me back from posting.
1) Blogger now requires me to login each time instead of remembering me. I know it's only a few seconds and a few keystrokes, but I tell you! It is sometimes the difference between checking in on my favourite blogs and surfing somewhere else!
2) It always seems to take forever to write whatever it is that I want to say. I just can't come in here and bang out a post in 10 minutes or less. Usually, it's closer to 30 or 45 minutes.

Yeah. I know. Suck it up, Buttercup!

So, what's been going on?

Weight wise, I have really slowed down on my loss. I'm now down 140. I have been here for about a month. My poor food choices and lack of exercise lately has really had an impact in this department. I've been eating a lot of sugar and bread. I made bread on the weekend - it was really, really, really good - and cookies too. Now I have an excuse to eat them. They are here.

I've also been eating a lot of popcorn. No. Not the healthy stuff.

And really, anything else that has a reputation for being fattening.

My self talk has started to include lines about using my ability to choose better things for myself. With my surgery, I learned that I can choose to eat healthy - or not eat at all. Lately, I haven't been taking that option.


My dad has been in the hospital since August 27. He went in with a heart infection that antibiotics couldn't get. Then he had open heart surgery and was battling the infection still after that. His breathing tube was taken out only a few days ago along with reducing the drugs that were keeping him sedated and paralyzed. He has gone through a lot, but he has an aweful lot more to do if he is going to recover and live a somewhat normal life. But he has made amazing progress. He has been seriously beating down heaven's door, but God has decided to keep it closed a while longer.

I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago. Hence the lack of exercise. (It is so nice to get paid to exercise and really leaves a void when I'm not working. I don't have a routine to follow and therefore, little exercise actually happens.) I could probably walk a bit this week, but I have a pretty plum assignment for the week, so I will walk next week.

We have still been working on living within our means. I'm not sure we are quite living below, but I do think we are living within them. Did I tell you about the massive hole we dug ourselves into??? Let's just say that our interest payments are $700 a month. We (as in Norm) are working on getting our house ready to sell. The market is aweful, but I believe that we at least need to get it ready and listed and then God will show us what will happen after that. He can definitely provide us a buyer that will pay the price we need. Or, he can not provide a buyer and we can continue to live here. Or, he cannot provide a buyer and we can rent out our house and rent somewhere else. I'm not too concerned about the house thing. Where I do get concerned is our day to day budget and covering expenses. We always seem to find extra bills that take up any extra money that we may have. Today, we got a bill for a speeding ticket that I asked Norm to negotiate on. He didn't and now instead of just the ticket, we now also have a late fee. sigh. I guess we are too poor to speed!

My son, who is almost 5, is starting to be creative. Just in the last month he has started to play with lego and building towers and birds and tunnels and whatever else he can manage. It is really nice to see. He has never shown this kind of interest and intensity in one thing before. Usually, he will play with something for a bit, then leave it for a long time. Now, he is going back and back and back to the same thing making it new each time. I love it! Maybe he will be ready for kindergarten next year. LOL.

Those are the main things going on. Thanks for reading!