stuff

Today was cray-Zee! My husband had a day long conference so I planned to go to the gym and then to my sil's for the afternoon. But by 9:35 this morning I was all out of sorts.

I really do it to myself. I stayed up way too late last night and then complained about getting up early this morning. Then getting 3 kids together with all their stuff in the van for the full day was quite an event. I tried to remember everything I needed. I did succeed in not forgetting anything.

I know I am running late, but I still need to get gas. The empty light has been on for quite a few kms. I head out to my regular station and all the pumps were turned off. Hmmm. Very odd. That's okay, I thought, I'll just go to the station by the gym. I got there and there wasn't a sign saying there was no gas today, so that was good. I pay at the pump and get started. The gas is not coming. All right. I'll try a different pump. As I pull the van around, I see the signs saying there is no gas today. I have no idea if my vehicle will even make it to the next station! I do make it to the petro canada just down the street. I'll have to forego the airmiles this time.

This is frustrating enough, but my children tell me they have to go pee. we are 5 mins from our house and in between gas stations when my son says the pee is starting to sneak out. I pull into a parking lot and make them pee in the snow. I get really annoyed because I figure that Alex is almost 4. He should be able to know his body and give at least some warning. But again, the rational me reminds myself that it is my fault because they sat in the van for about 15 mins before we even left the house as I was packing up. Screw rationality!

Finally, we made it to the gym. Everything was good. I leave the kids and head downstairs to sweat out my screams. As I am winding down, I see the lady from the front desk looking around. I catch her eye and she nods at me. I thought Karissa was freaking out (like last week.) No, this time it's Alex. Guess what he did? He peed his pants! Really!!! Can you believe it? He never pees his pants.

I had brought extra clothes for him because we were away from the house all day, but they were in the van. When I was talking with the day care worker, she said she had asked Alex if she could take him to the bathroom and he said no. Then, he proceeded to wet himself. I wasn't as mad as I had been earlier, but this did not help.

In the van, I have him change his clothes. He is in the process of getting his pants on and I notice that his new underwear are wet already. He is peeing his dry clothes as he is putting them on! He didn't even tell me that he needed to pee more! I send him to pee in the bush. Today, he went through all the clothes I had brought for him and we had to take a pair of pyjama pants from his cousin. Will this ever end?!?!?!

All of this to say that I am not that regulated. When something happens that I am not expecting, it can really throw me off my course. It's really something that I need to work on. After my surgery, getting really upset about things I cannot control will not be good for my health - both mental and physical. I need to find ways of dealing with changes in my plan that don't increase my stress. I also find once I have begun to wind up, it is really hard to let myself unwind. I get off on yelling and being angry and slamming doors.

Let's talk about surgery now. I haven't written much since I got back from Montreal. I was really worried about the assessments, but they seemed much more like a rubber stamp after they were over. And now, I have my date and I am planning for a life where I am much smaller and living such a more fulfilled life. I find myself saying "when I lose weight" and "as I get smaller" and just speaking with confidence that it will finally happen. I have never spoken with confidence about my weight going down. I have never really believed that I could do that with any finality. Now, it seems there is hope for me.

The research of the surgeon shows that his patients have lost 70 to 80% of their excess body weight after 5 years. For me, that's over 150 pounds! It is possible for me to weigh 150! I have never even dreamt that I could be smaller than 150. 150 is itself the number I pick when I choose a dream number. They way I talk about my weight after the surgery is to say, "I'd rather play in the 200's than the 300's." If I got down to 220, I would feel good. 200, would be great. 180 would be amazing. 150, is like a said, a dream. The last time I weighed 150 for any length of time was when I was 12. When I was 13, I weighed 180. I just can't imagine my life in that situation. I just pray that God would prepare me for what is to come.

I have 2 weeks and 2 days to go before I start my liquid fast. They do is for rapid weight loss before the surgery to lose as much fat from my liver as possible. It will be difficult, but I can do it. This has put pressure on me to eat all the different flavours before this date. It's not that I am trying to eat all that I can and stuff myself silly, but I am trying to eat what I don't think I will be eating afterwards. Like creamy pastas and even fast food. In 2 years, I'll be able to pretty much eat whatever I want. I am hoping that I want to eat well, that in this time I will wholeheartedly embrace a new life and a new way of eating and enthusiastically choose the food that is what my body needs rather than what my emotions want. And even if I choose to eat a bit of dessert, that I will have a bite and be done with it. In 2 years I want to smash this idol of food and see it for what it is - nourishment.

I have a date!

It's okay, my husband knows about it!

I got my date for surgery. Yahoo!

I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared about blowing the whole thing 2 years into it.


But tonight I am tired. I'll write more later.

ttyl