Today I got on the scale. 178.2
Not really surprising (considering my last post) but shocking none the less.
It has been a while since I last weighed myself and even longer since I recorded it. The last number I remember was in the 175. something range. The last time I wrote it down, was mid April and I was 171.8. That puts me up 6 pounds.
I'm trying to think when it was I started going off the rails. It was probably when we were locked out from work - I work for Canada Post and they locked us out for 2 weeks the end of June. When I don't work, I tend to gain weight. Surprise, surprise. I remember putting on my compression garment and thinking it must have shrunk in the wash. It took me a couple of seconds, but then I laughed and realized that it had not shrunk but I had grown. It was funny how my first response was to blame something outside of myself. (In my own defense, I was given a couple of wool sweaters, and they DID shrink in the wash!!)
Since my last post, I have been more mindful of what I have been eating. I am focusing more on protein and making the choices that are healthier. I have some sort of mind block when it comes to writing down what I put in my mouth. It seems like an awful amount of effort. I may need to make that effort if my "mindful eating" doesn't give me the results I am looking for.
Currently I am still unwilling to totally give up junk food. Recognizing that it is an unwillingness rather than an unableness is helpful to me. Like journaling the food, I may come to a point when I am willing to be more restrictive and choose to not eat the sugar and fat. It's important for me to know it's a choice I can make. I am not bound by the food. I am not a slave anymore to my cravings. This is the biggest lesson I have learned since surgery. Before I never felt I could make choices about what I ate. The urges and desires for food were so strong. And my stomach was so big that I would continue to eat well beyond any reason. Now, because I can only eat a small portion of what I used to eat, I must stop. I still push those boundaries. I still eat more than I need and after that voice in my head has told me I should stop. But it's better.
This morning I found myself wondering how I am going to stop this slide into my old eating patterns. How am I going to lose the 10 pounds I want to? I felt some of that desperation seeping back into my soul.
I remembered that I have a tool. And while it feels like it is broken, it will still work if I make the choices I need to. I don't need to be desperately seeking a solution. I have the solution. It is much easier to reverse the trend at 5 pounds than 25 or 125. Yes, there are people who have gained most, if not all of their weight back after having WLS. If I don't want to be one of them, I need to take charge now. If I were to have an accident or injury where I couldn't work, I would be in serious danger of gaining a significant amount of weight. It could be me.
One blog I follow was talking about why she still struggles after 4 years of active weight loss effort. Even though she has done very well and lost 80 lbs, it is still a struggle. I find the same thing. This is a roller coaster ride. Just when we are at the top and think that we will never go back to where we came from, the ride falls to the bottom. We are seemingly back at square one. Then we work our way back to the top only once again to quickly ride all the way down. Weight loss is a cycle. Weight loss is never truly over. Even if we have been successful at maintaining for a long time, we still need to make the choices every day that will keep us in maintenance. When we stop making the choices, we stop maintaining. UGH! Don't you ever just want it to be over? To not have to worry about it again?!?!?
I know I do.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
confessions
An email to a friend brought me here tonight. We have been discussing my surgery and she asked what kind of foods I ate. I gave her a list of what I had eaten today. Let's just say it wasn't pretty.
In fact it was on the far side of disgusting.
I'm not sure if I will disclose the list here. I am quite embarrassed to admit the foods I have been putting in my mouth lately. At this point, it is good enough that I have confessed it to one person and that confession has helped open my eyes a bit to the glare of my transgressions.
One of the things I remember from Overeaters Anonymous was that in one of the steps (4 I think) it said to tell another person all of our flaws. It was important to verbalize our defects to a person. Someone who can judge us. Someone who can chastise us. But in actuality, it is someone who can sympathize with us and hug us and tell us there is hope.
I didn't realize that this email would cause so much turmoil inside me. Of course, it wasn't the email, but what I exposed of myself. I didn't hide but revealed one of my major defects. And while I know my food choices aren't what they should be, it wasn't until I wrote them down for someone else to see that they stared me in the face and exposed me as a fraud. liar. hypocrite.
You see, so far, I am a WLS success story. I lost 150 pounds. I have been maintaining a 145 lb loss for months now. But the list of food that I ate today shows me as the compulsive binge overeater that I am. It shows almost no regard for health. It shows a lack of preparation for the day. It shows that I am headed for weight regain.
As I lay in bed, contemplating what I have been doing to my body, I asked myself if I was willing to give up eating this way. Instantly I started making excuses to myself and listing exceptions... I will want to have a treat some days. I can't give up my diet coke! Do I have to give up (insert junk food choice here.)?
So I scaled back. How about just logging. Am I willing to truthfully write down all that I eat? I don't have to give up anything. I just have to write it down. Yes. I think I can do that. It scares me. But I know that food journals are important to win any battle when it comes to food.
"You can't change what you don't acknowledge."
I am only 20 months out from my surgery. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period. It only gets more challenging.
How do I change my mindset to accept the reasonable limits that need to be in place for me to succeed? How do I stop buying and eating so much junk? How do I *want* to eat healthy and find satisfaction eating that way? How do I afford it? How do I find the time to do it? How do I undo 38 years of bad behaviour?
So many questions. Are there any answers?
Hopefully now I can go to sleep anyway. Thanks for listening.
In fact it was on the far side of disgusting.
I'm not sure if I will disclose the list here. I am quite embarrassed to admit the foods I have been putting in my mouth lately. At this point, it is good enough that I have confessed it to one person and that confession has helped open my eyes a bit to the glare of my transgressions.
One of the things I remember from Overeaters Anonymous was that in one of the steps (4 I think) it said to tell another person all of our flaws. It was important to verbalize our defects to a person. Someone who can judge us. Someone who can chastise us. But in actuality, it is someone who can sympathize with us and hug us and tell us there is hope.
I didn't realize that this email would cause so much turmoil inside me. Of course, it wasn't the email, but what I exposed of myself. I didn't hide but revealed one of my major defects. And while I know my food choices aren't what they should be, it wasn't until I wrote them down for someone else to see that they stared me in the face and exposed me as a fraud. liar. hypocrite.
You see, so far, I am a WLS success story. I lost 150 pounds. I have been maintaining a 145 lb loss for months now. But the list of food that I ate today shows me as the compulsive binge overeater that I am. It shows almost no regard for health. It shows a lack of preparation for the day. It shows that I am headed for weight regain.
As I lay in bed, contemplating what I have been doing to my body, I asked myself if I was willing to give up eating this way. Instantly I started making excuses to myself and listing exceptions... I will want to have a treat some days. I can't give up my diet coke! Do I have to give up (insert junk food choice here.)?
So I scaled back. How about just logging. Am I willing to truthfully write down all that I eat? I don't have to give up anything. I just have to write it down. Yes. I think I can do that. It scares me. But I know that food journals are important to win any battle when it comes to food.
"You can't change what you don't acknowledge."
I am only 20 months out from my surgery. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period. It only gets more challenging.
How do I change my mindset to accept the reasonable limits that need to be in place for me to succeed? How do I stop buying and eating so much junk? How do I *want* to eat healthy and find satisfaction eating that way? How do I afford it? How do I find the time to do it? How do I undo 38 years of bad behaviour?
So many questions. Are there any answers?
Hopefully now I can go to sleep anyway. Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
I think she's finally asleep!
It is only 9:40pm and my almost 2 year old is finally quiet. Sigh.
It's not like she went to be at 6:30 or anything like that. (I think it was 6:35!)
This week we have put her in a toddler bed. In a room with the other 2 kids. Because Nana is here for the week and preferred to stay upstairs. So, in a way it's not her fault.
But, when she doesn't stay in bed...
That's all her!
Otherwise, I miss writing here. I have been following the blogs but today was the first day where I really thought, "I want to write something today."
I don't think I'm going to get into all my stuff today, but I'll let you know that I'm doing ok. We are as busy as ever as we struggle with our finances, jobs, newly diagnosed multiple food allergies, visitors, spending more time with my mom, eating, overeating and the myriad other things that occur in day to day existence. But, like I said, I'm doing ok.
Hopefully I'll bring up a few details soon.
It's not like she went to be at 6:30 or anything like that. (I think it was 6:35!)
This week we have put her in a toddler bed. In a room with the other 2 kids. Because Nana is here for the week and preferred to stay upstairs. So, in a way it's not her fault.
But, when she doesn't stay in bed...
That's all her!
Otherwise, I miss writing here. I have been following the blogs but today was the first day where I really thought, "I want to write something today."
I don't think I'm going to get into all my stuff today, but I'll let you know that I'm doing ok. We are as busy as ever as we struggle with our finances, jobs, newly diagnosed multiple food allergies, visitors, spending more time with my mom, eating, overeating and the myriad other things that occur in day to day existence. But, like I said, I'm doing ok.
Hopefully I'll bring up a few details soon.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
testing... testing... 1. 2. 3.
Our lives feel like they are out of control these days.
The biggest thing was that my dad died on Feb. 23. Have I blogged about him? I don't remember. But he had been very sick for so long. He had been in the hospital since the end of August. He had had open heart surgery, life threatening infections, a bed sore that threatened to overtake his body. His kidneys had shut down, he had lost his eyesight and being cooped up in a hospital bed unable to do anything for himself had understandably brought on some depression.
But in January his heart was good, he was on hemodialysis and doing well with that, his bedsore had been healing and medically he was able to be transferred to an auxiliary hospital where getting him moving and back home was the goal. While in the hospital, he had physio a few times each week, but after months of not moving an hour of physio 3 times a week isn't enough to strengthen his muscles to move his body.
So the move to the Glenmore Care Centre was hopeful. And he was doing so well. He had to get out of bed to eat, he was encouraged to move as much as possible. He had physio everyday. he took the handibus to his dialysis. He was talking to people again. He wasn't isolated in his room anymore.
In one short month, he was going up and down stairs, transferring himself out of bed into the wheelchair and out of the wheelchair to other places he needed to be. He had hope of returning home in a few weeks.
On February 22, he called the nurse to help him go to the bathroom. But no one came. Because he was doing well, he thought he could manage on his own. And he probably could have. But this time, he fell. I'm not sure how long he was on the floor, but his physiotherapist found him when he was late for his appointment.
Protocol would dictate that he should have had a CAT scan to rule out bleeding since he was on a blood thinner. But that didn't happen. Instead they cleaned him up and got him ready for his eye appointment.
My mom and dad had a really good day. They went to his eye appointment together, had lunch and played crib. They held hands and talked. My dad was more and more like his old self. After my mom went home, my dad played more cards with the recreation therapist and apparently even won a dollar. He phoned my mom to tell her the good news around 4pm.
It was around then that he started complaining of a headache and by 5pm he was in a coma. The bleeding in his brain was too much to withstand. By the time he was at the hospital and had an MRI, his brain was so squished from the blood that it was like a pancake. The only way to save him would be to have brain surgery.
The problem was that the surgery would most likely kill him. He was doing much better, but his body was still so sick from the other stuff going on that it wouldn't be able to withstand the extra stress. And even if he did survive the surgery, he would end up as a vegetable, the damage was so severe.
He was left to be cared for and comforted. They gave him oxygen to help him. But that's all. As his lungs began to fill with fluid, they would suction out his mouth. We put vaseline on his lips to protect them from the dryness.
What was going on during those last 26 hours? Did he have an out of body experience? What did he know? Did he know he was dying? Did he know we were there? Was he already up in heaven in the place Jesus promised to prepare for him?
My mom and I were talking about how she would stay with him for the night again. She had stayed the previous night thinking he wouldn't make it. In the morning I took her home and she cleaned up for the day. Since he had lasted longer that we thought, we had no idea how long he would hang on.
I was there when he finally passed. It was shortly after we had made plans for her to stay. I was on the phone with my brother when I looked over and his face was yellow. I motioned to my mom and then he sputtered and it was over. 66 years, 3 months and 19 days.
I thought about how it must have been such a relief for him. His life had been full of self abuse: alcohol, cigarettes, overeating, over spending, pornography... I'm sure there were a few things I didn't know about too. He collected everything - stamps, plates, pins, coins, McDonald's happy meal toys. So much in an effort to fill what I'm sure felt like a bottomless pit.
But now he is Home. In his last few months, he was able to express his deepening faith in Jesus Christ. He knew his life had been spent chasing vanities. Finally he had come to peace.
So then we had the funeral, paperwork, grieving, family and friends to inform and host for the funeral. I was off of work for a week. Returning was hard. My work was his work too. So many people knew him. So many people would ask about him. If people didn't mention his death to me, I wanted to tell them. But it is awkward. I'm not looking for condolences, per se, but I am looking for what he meant to them.
During all of this, our cell phones were cut off (I forgot to pay the bill), both our cars had died and we had gotten a new one, but hadn't replaced the second vehicle yet. It was still at the shop.
Our vending business suffered a couple of blows. something that seemed like it would last for a long time became very temporary.
My daughter broke her arm on Sunday night and I spent the night in the emergency with her waiting to be seen.
As I was writing this, my son woke up sick. Cleaning up vomit is not my favourite thing. I am thinking how it will go if all 3 kids are sick at once. Is that better than if they spread it out? I'm not sure. Hello laundry.
The youngest has a cold and hates to have her nose wiped.
Our financial situation is still a mountain of debt. We are not going further into debt, but the pace of debt reduction is glacial.
At work, the staffing shortage is so severe that there are days where the mail doesn't go out at all. That happened to my route the day before I returned to work after bereavement leave. So I feel guilty for not being at work. It's now 1:15am. I need to get up in 5 hours. It's amazing how one night of being up all night has switched my clock around.
So as all of these things pile up, I just feel like I am being tested. How many more things can add up and bring more stress? What else can happen? I'm just waiting.
I'm also thinking about Lent starting tomorrow. I have been observing it the last couple of years. Last year I gave up TV and my computer time. I was allowed to check my email once a day and blog (because that's my journal.) I never really returned to tv watching, but the computer takes up a big chunk of my evenings. I was thinking I might have to give it up again. I don't know if I can do that this year. The other thing is that in the past I have been unwilling to give up food. Maybe this is the year to truly fast in some respect. I spend a lot of my energy looking for fat and sugar to eat. Maybe this is the time to wrestle through that addiction. I've got 22.5 hours to figure it out.
The biggest thing was that my dad died on Feb. 23. Have I blogged about him? I don't remember. But he had been very sick for so long. He had been in the hospital since the end of August. He had had open heart surgery, life threatening infections, a bed sore that threatened to overtake his body. His kidneys had shut down, he had lost his eyesight and being cooped up in a hospital bed unable to do anything for himself had understandably brought on some depression.
But in January his heart was good, he was on hemodialysis and doing well with that, his bedsore had been healing and medically he was able to be transferred to an auxiliary hospital where getting him moving and back home was the goal. While in the hospital, he had physio a few times each week, but after months of not moving an hour of physio 3 times a week isn't enough to strengthen his muscles to move his body.
So the move to the Glenmore Care Centre was hopeful. And he was doing so well. He had to get out of bed to eat, he was encouraged to move as much as possible. He had physio everyday. he took the handibus to his dialysis. He was talking to people again. He wasn't isolated in his room anymore.
In one short month, he was going up and down stairs, transferring himself out of bed into the wheelchair and out of the wheelchair to other places he needed to be. He had hope of returning home in a few weeks.
On February 22, he called the nurse to help him go to the bathroom. But no one came. Because he was doing well, he thought he could manage on his own. And he probably could have. But this time, he fell. I'm not sure how long he was on the floor, but his physiotherapist found him when he was late for his appointment.
Protocol would dictate that he should have had a CAT scan to rule out bleeding since he was on a blood thinner. But that didn't happen. Instead they cleaned him up and got him ready for his eye appointment.
My mom and dad had a really good day. They went to his eye appointment together, had lunch and played crib. They held hands and talked. My dad was more and more like his old self. After my mom went home, my dad played more cards with the recreation therapist and apparently even won a dollar. He phoned my mom to tell her the good news around 4pm.
It was around then that he started complaining of a headache and by 5pm he was in a coma. The bleeding in his brain was too much to withstand. By the time he was at the hospital and had an MRI, his brain was so squished from the blood that it was like a pancake. The only way to save him would be to have brain surgery.
The problem was that the surgery would most likely kill him. He was doing much better, but his body was still so sick from the other stuff going on that it wouldn't be able to withstand the extra stress. And even if he did survive the surgery, he would end up as a vegetable, the damage was so severe.
He was left to be cared for and comforted. They gave him oxygen to help him. But that's all. As his lungs began to fill with fluid, they would suction out his mouth. We put vaseline on his lips to protect them from the dryness.
What was going on during those last 26 hours? Did he have an out of body experience? What did he know? Did he know he was dying? Did he know we were there? Was he already up in heaven in the place Jesus promised to prepare for him?
My mom and I were talking about how she would stay with him for the night again. She had stayed the previous night thinking he wouldn't make it. In the morning I took her home and she cleaned up for the day. Since he had lasted longer that we thought, we had no idea how long he would hang on.
I was there when he finally passed. It was shortly after we had made plans for her to stay. I was on the phone with my brother when I looked over and his face was yellow. I motioned to my mom and then he sputtered and it was over. 66 years, 3 months and 19 days.
I thought about how it must have been such a relief for him. His life had been full of self abuse: alcohol, cigarettes, overeating, over spending, pornography... I'm sure there were a few things I didn't know about too. He collected everything - stamps, plates, pins, coins, McDonald's happy meal toys. So much in an effort to fill what I'm sure felt like a bottomless pit.
But now he is Home. In his last few months, he was able to express his deepening faith in Jesus Christ. He knew his life had been spent chasing vanities. Finally he had come to peace.
So then we had the funeral, paperwork, grieving, family and friends to inform and host for the funeral. I was off of work for a week. Returning was hard. My work was his work too. So many people knew him. So many people would ask about him. If people didn't mention his death to me, I wanted to tell them. But it is awkward. I'm not looking for condolences, per se, but I am looking for what he meant to them.
During all of this, our cell phones were cut off (I forgot to pay the bill), both our cars had died and we had gotten a new one, but hadn't replaced the second vehicle yet. It was still at the shop.
Our vending business suffered a couple of blows. something that seemed like it would last for a long time became very temporary.
My daughter broke her arm on Sunday night and I spent the night in the emergency with her waiting to be seen.
As I was writing this, my son woke up sick. Cleaning up vomit is not my favourite thing. I am thinking how it will go if all 3 kids are sick at once. Is that better than if they spread it out? I'm not sure. Hello laundry.
The youngest has a cold and hates to have her nose wiped.
Our financial situation is still a mountain of debt. We are not going further into debt, but the pace of debt reduction is glacial.
At work, the staffing shortage is so severe that there are days where the mail doesn't go out at all. That happened to my route the day before I returned to work after bereavement leave. So I feel guilty for not being at work. It's now 1:15am. I need to get up in 5 hours. It's amazing how one night of being up all night has switched my clock around.
So as all of these things pile up, I just feel like I am being tested. How many more things can add up and bring more stress? What else can happen? I'm just waiting.
I'm also thinking about Lent starting tomorrow. I have been observing it the last couple of years. Last year I gave up TV and my computer time. I was allowed to check my email once a day and blog (because that's my journal.) I never really returned to tv watching, but the computer takes up a big chunk of my evenings. I was thinking I might have to give it up again. I don't know if I can do that this year. The other thing is that in the past I have been unwilling to give up food. Maybe this is the year to truly fast in some respect. I spend a lot of my energy looking for fat and sugar to eat. Maybe this is the time to wrestle through that addiction. I've got 22.5 hours to figure it out.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
ME WANT IT NOW!
I am so anxious.
We started shopping for a van or 2 this week. Our car stalls when the engine is cold or when Norm is driving. Apparently it isn't that fond of him. So we were planning to replace the poor old subaru.
Then last Thursday our van stalled out with an electrical issue. Norm was with the kids and stranded. It could have been worse. He was able to get off the busy road onto a side street and everyone was ok. He was able to get it going again, but then it stalled about a klic (short form for kilometre) from our house. It's a great thing we live on a hill and he coasted right into our driveway.
So now we are looking at 2 new to us vehicles. We thought the van was running quite well and this may be a one-off, but for me, it has tainted my view of this vehicle. How can I trust it anymore? What if it stalls on the Deerfoot? (our major freeway) What if? What if? what if?
Last night we had a date night and went to a used car lot. (yeah, I know. Not very romantic, but I must admit that I really enjoyed myself. It is so nice to just get away from the kids and be with my man in peace and quiet. I really enjoy spending time with him - even if it is in a used car lot.) They had a couple of interesting vans in our price range (very low). And they presented themselves not as salesmen, but as a team of guys just looking to sell some cars and make a few bucks. They appeared honest and down to earth. You could read - not showy.
For the last couple of days, we have been checking kijiji for vans. (That's how we found the lot.) Tonight we found one that seems to be a great deal. It has low kms and a reasonable price. It was just posted an hour before we called about it. It's all I can do to hold myself back from saying to the guy that we will take it sight unseen. We have called him twice already. It seems like we won't get a chance to see it tomorrow either. We have church, then a family birthday party. By the time we get home, it will be getting dark so checking out the van would be difficult. Hopefully it will still be available Monday.
I need to give some background here. We are very good at making quick decisions. It seems like the bigger the cost, the faster the decision. We do a bit of research and then dive right in to the best option at the time.
We have done this quite a bit in the recent past. My surgery was decided within a matter of a couple of weeks. I didn't know all the consequences. I didn't talk to other people who had had the surgery. I didn't find a lot of info other than what the surgeon himself provided. Having said that, it was still the right decision (...I think) but the point is that I didn't take much time to consider all of the facts.
We did this with our business. We were looking into starting a home based business. We found a couple of ads in the paper that sounded interesting. We thought it would be great. We talked to a couple of people and then signed the dotted line. Then in business, we again didn't ask enough questions or do enough research. Someone offered some business coaching. It sounded good enough. So we did it. We didn't look around for what other people were offering, we just took this one. It turned out to be not much of what we needed.
We did a trade with some friends for the van we have now. We traded our car for their van. We were having our 3 rd child and I thought we needed a van. 3 car seats just wouldn't fit in the car. It's true, they wouldn't. We also didn't have very much money (see paragraph about bad business decisions) so a trade where we didn't have to pay would work out for us. And I needed a van. Did I mention I needed a van? So we traded a 2004 car with 75k on it for a 1998 van with almost 200k on it without asking for extra money. Again, all I could see was what was right in front of me. I needed a van. They had one. I could give them my car and it would all be good. It wasn't good.
So, all of this to say that now, I want to try to be better. I don't want to rush into these kind of decisions. Because at the time, all of the quick decisions I made in the past seemed to be really good. Time has showed me that they weren't. I want to take my time and ask questions - the right questions. I want to pray about the decisions we make. I want to make the *right* decision.
But then I encounter a 1999 van with only 115k on it for $3500. It appears to be such a good deal! How can I just not go and buy it right now? What if someone else comes tomorrow? What if someone else will buy it without taking it to their mechanic? What if, what if, what if?
We started shopping for a van or 2 this week. Our car stalls when the engine is cold or when Norm is driving. Apparently it isn't that fond of him. So we were planning to replace the poor old subaru.
Then last Thursday our van stalled out with an electrical issue. Norm was with the kids and stranded. It could have been worse. He was able to get off the busy road onto a side street and everyone was ok. He was able to get it going again, but then it stalled about a klic (short form for kilometre) from our house. It's a great thing we live on a hill and he coasted right into our driveway.
So now we are looking at 2 new to us vehicles. We thought the van was running quite well and this may be a one-off, but for me, it has tainted my view of this vehicle. How can I trust it anymore? What if it stalls on the Deerfoot? (our major freeway) What if? What if? what if?
Last night we had a date night and went to a used car lot. (yeah, I know. Not very romantic, but I must admit that I really enjoyed myself. It is so nice to just get away from the kids and be with my man in peace and quiet. I really enjoy spending time with him - even if it is in a used car lot.) They had a couple of interesting vans in our price range (very low). And they presented themselves not as salesmen, but as a team of guys just looking to sell some cars and make a few bucks. They appeared honest and down to earth. You could read - not showy.
For the last couple of days, we have been checking kijiji for vans. (That's how we found the lot.) Tonight we found one that seems to be a great deal. It has low kms and a reasonable price. It was just posted an hour before we called about it. It's all I can do to hold myself back from saying to the guy that we will take it sight unseen. We have called him twice already. It seems like we won't get a chance to see it tomorrow either. We have church, then a family birthday party. By the time we get home, it will be getting dark so checking out the van would be difficult. Hopefully it will still be available Monday.
I need to give some background here. We are very good at making quick decisions. It seems like the bigger the cost, the faster the decision. We do a bit of research and then dive right in to the best option at the time.
We have done this quite a bit in the recent past. My surgery was decided within a matter of a couple of weeks. I didn't know all the consequences. I didn't talk to other people who had had the surgery. I didn't find a lot of info other than what the surgeon himself provided. Having said that, it was still the right decision (...I think) but the point is that I didn't take much time to consider all of the facts.
We did this with our business. We were looking into starting a home based business. We found a couple of ads in the paper that sounded interesting. We thought it would be great. We talked to a couple of people and then signed the dotted line. Then in business, we again didn't ask enough questions or do enough research. Someone offered some business coaching. It sounded good enough. So we did it. We didn't look around for what other people were offering, we just took this one. It turned out to be not much of what we needed.
We did a trade with some friends for the van we have now. We traded our car for their van. We were having our 3 rd child and I thought we needed a van. 3 car seats just wouldn't fit in the car. It's true, they wouldn't. We also didn't have very much money (see paragraph about bad business decisions) so a trade where we didn't have to pay would work out for us. And I needed a van. Did I mention I needed a van? So we traded a 2004 car with 75k on it for a 1998 van with almost 200k on it without asking for extra money. Again, all I could see was what was right in front of me. I needed a van. They had one. I could give them my car and it would all be good. It wasn't good.
So, all of this to say that now, I want to try to be better. I don't want to rush into these kind of decisions. Because at the time, all of the quick decisions I made in the past seemed to be really good. Time has showed me that they weren't. I want to take my time and ask questions - the right questions. I want to pray about the decisions we make. I want to make the *right* decision.
But then I encounter a 1999 van with only 115k on it for $3500. It appears to be such a good deal! How can I just not go and buy it right now? What if someone else comes tomorrow? What if someone else will buy it without taking it to their mechanic? What if, what if, what if?
Monday, January 17, 2011
Ramblings continued
Probably since the fall I haven't been as connected spiritually. My attention has been directed towards money issues since May and eating issues since about September. My Bible reading, prayer and studying has taken a back seat. Lately I have been trying to read more. So when I think of reading my Bible, I try to do it right then rather than wait until later which we all know later, like tomorrow, never comes.
So, after last night's post, I was both tired and more at peace about what had come out. I think the bully metaphor is very apt. And what I was able to write has helped me to be more even and peaceful. I was able and willing to make better choices for myself. (Tonight the family had frozen pizza. Normally I would just eat that. But tonight I found myself making salmon melts without the bread for myself. I had a piece of pizza and two tomato round melts.) Until the family is on my plan, I think I will have to make a bigger effort to eat what is healthy for me. Even if that means making a separate meal for myself. (Sometimes it's just too much of a fight to make them eat what I am eating.)
Back to last night... When I went to bed, I read my Bible for a bit. I was asking God to provide me a verse to memorize that would be meaningful for where I am. (I joined this "club" where over 8000 women all over North America are memorizing 2 verses of scripture each month. I ordered and finally received my "Siesta Scripture Memory Team" spiral notebooks. They are to have a place to write the Bible verses to memorize.) I have been reading Isaiah since that was the study I had joined but subsequently quit. Last night it was Isaiah 12. Do you know what the first verse of chapter 12 was? You don't, huh. Oh well. I was going to write it anyway.
"You will say in that day: 'I will give thanks to you, O LORD, for though you were angry with me, your anger turned away, that you might comfort me.'"
I mean come on. Could that have been any better?!?! The back story is that the Israelites keep doing what God tells them not to do. But God keeps rescuing them anyway. Hmmm. Sounds familiar.
That doesn't mean that this will get any easier. Today Bully came by again. Except that she was very nice and I forgot that she hurts me. I find it hard to remember these things the next day - speaking of memorizing. I have often threatened to make a poster of my goal and now just even the word "bully" would probably do wonders. I guess it would be just like my little handheld spiral but big and on my wall and not spiral.
that's it for now.
So, after last night's post, I was both tired and more at peace about what had come out. I think the bully metaphor is very apt. And what I was able to write has helped me to be more even and peaceful. I was able and willing to make better choices for myself. (Tonight the family had frozen pizza. Normally I would just eat that. But tonight I found myself making salmon melts without the bread for myself. I had a piece of pizza and two tomato round melts.) Until the family is on my plan, I think I will have to make a bigger effort to eat what is healthy for me. Even if that means making a separate meal for myself. (Sometimes it's just too much of a fight to make them eat what I am eating.)
Back to last night... When I went to bed, I read my Bible for a bit. I was asking God to provide me a verse to memorize that would be meaningful for where I am. (I joined this "club" where over 8000 women all over North America are memorizing 2 verses of scripture each month. I ordered and finally received my "Siesta Scripture Memory Team" spiral notebooks. They are to have a place to write the Bible verses to memorize.) I have been reading Isaiah since that was the study I had joined but subsequently quit. Last night it was Isaiah 12. Do you know what the first verse of chapter 12 was? You don't, huh. Oh well. I was going to write it anyway.
"You will say in that day: 'I will give thanks to you, O LORD, for though you were angry with me, your anger turned away, that you might comfort me.'"
I mean come on. Could that have been any better?!?! The back story is that the Israelites keep doing what God tells them not to do. But God keeps rescuing them anyway. Hmmm. Sounds familiar.
That doesn't mean that this will get any easier. Today Bully came by again. Except that she was very nice and I forgot that she hurts me. I find it hard to remember these things the next day - speaking of memorizing. I have often threatened to make a poster of my goal and now just even the word "bully" would probably do wonders. I guess it would be just like my little handheld spiral but big and on my wall and not spiral.
that's it for now.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Ramblings of a sick mind
I feel so gross and fat. Basically how I have felt for my entire life.
It is directly related to how I am eating which is directly related to how I am feeling. My son has been yelling, "I'm hungry" from his room for the last 30 minutes. I think he might very well be hungry, but because bedtime is such a struggle with him, I am ignoring him. He will have to wait until morning to eat again. So instead of feeding him, I go and eat more cheesecake. In the last 24 hours, I have eaten an entire cheesecake our friends brought over for dessert when they came for dinner last night. Helloooo leftovers!
Honestly, the cheesecake is just the tip of the iceberg. I have no internal control. I will eat cookies first thing in the morning. I will snack on homemade bread dripping with butter; piece after piece.
Even on healthy food, I will just keep eating even though I don't really want anymore. Even though I'm not hungry, I will go until there is no more.
At least when I am working, I'm not eating. At least when I am sleeping I am not eating. Other than that, it seems like I'm eating. Or if I'm not eating, I am cooking. (which usually means I'm eating too.)
I'm not able to drink at the same time that I eat. I need to wait about 30 minutes or so after I've finished eating. By then, instead of drinking, I start eating again.
As I think back, I don't really remember when this started back up again. I remember it was early fall I had "recommitted". Yeah, that didn't hold very long. I have felt really out of control since Christmas. It had not as much to do with Christmas as it did with my holidays after Christmas. As in, not working=eating.
Now it seems I have no fear when it comes to eating. What I mean is that when people have weight loss surgery, they are afraid to dump, or stretch their pouch or stoma, or eat too many carbs or eat too fast or any number of things that cause pain. Right now, I have no fear of those things. I never really did. That is why I probably have already stretched my pouch and stoma. That is why I know I don't really dump on a lot of sugary food. That is why I stay away from foods like chicken breast - because it hurts!
I didn't weigh myself this morning. It was a choice. I am afraid to know how much I have gained. On my holidays I gained 7 pounds. Then last week going back to work I lost 3 in my first 2 days back. Then I got injured so I didn't deliver any mail and started going up again. (Yeah, I know after my whining last post about the cold, it was a good week to work inside!) And now I feel my stomach pushed to it's limit full of junk. I fear that tomorrow I could very well be 180 or more. As I was going down, I remember saying to myself "there is no reason to ever go above 175, 174 173,172, 171" I never got to 170. Now I am stuck again where I never though I would be stuck. In this stupid head game. I have no commitment or resolve to make any plan to get myself out of this hole work. I am only leaning on my work to get me back down. When I work this bad eating doesn't really matter.
But even if work can get me out of this weight gain, it doesn't change the fact that my mind is still sick. It still wants/lets me overeat. It still wants me to hide covered in guilt and shame. It still puts the me who wants something different on the defense when it comes out to bully.
It might not be my mind, per se. I will have to think about it more. But it is a bully, whatever it is. It says, "Don't you even THINK about stopping me! I will eat whatever the FUCK I want." I'm sorry for the F bomb. I thought about using f*** but that's not what I feel. It is the full blown tirade and tantrum.
I think about what I can do when I am hit (bully) with the urge to eat or keep eating. Writing here is obvious, drinking, cross stitching, reading, house work, calling,... The list could be endless. (One distraction I remember reading was brushing your teeth. I had never thought about that before, but I think it is a good one. It is healthy and it cleans out my mouth from the junk that was in it. And usually the taste of the toothpaste and the food I want to eat don't go that well together. ) Right now it is so hard to stop mid-stream. It is so hard to challenge the bully especially when the bully is used to getting their own way. Part of me says why stop anyway. The bully is just going to win anyway. Whether it's now or in an hour the bully always wins.
How do I convince myself to stand up to the bully? How do I change my attitude to any minutes the bully isn't winning are good minutes? I'll have to remind myself that any minutes the bully isn't winning are good minutes.
Wish me luck.
It is directly related to how I am eating which is directly related to how I am feeling. My son has been yelling, "I'm hungry" from his room for the last 30 minutes. I think he might very well be hungry, but because bedtime is such a struggle with him, I am ignoring him. He will have to wait until morning to eat again. So instead of feeding him, I go and eat more cheesecake. In the last 24 hours, I have eaten an entire cheesecake our friends brought over for dessert when they came for dinner last night. Helloooo leftovers!
Honestly, the cheesecake is just the tip of the iceberg. I have no internal control. I will eat cookies first thing in the morning. I will snack on homemade bread dripping with butter; piece after piece.
Even on healthy food, I will just keep eating even though I don't really want anymore. Even though I'm not hungry, I will go until there is no more.
At least when I am working, I'm not eating. At least when I am sleeping I am not eating. Other than that, it seems like I'm eating. Or if I'm not eating, I am cooking. (which usually means I'm eating too.)
I'm not able to drink at the same time that I eat. I need to wait about 30 minutes or so after I've finished eating. By then, instead of drinking, I start eating again.
As I think back, I don't really remember when this started back up again. I remember it was early fall I had "recommitted". Yeah, that didn't hold very long. I have felt really out of control since Christmas. It had not as much to do with Christmas as it did with my holidays after Christmas. As in, not working=eating.
Now it seems I have no fear when it comes to eating. What I mean is that when people have weight loss surgery, they are afraid to dump, or stretch their pouch or stoma, or eat too many carbs or eat too fast or any number of things that cause pain. Right now, I have no fear of those things. I never really did. That is why I probably have already stretched my pouch and stoma. That is why I know I don't really dump on a lot of sugary food. That is why I stay away from foods like chicken breast - because it hurts!
I didn't weigh myself this morning. It was a choice. I am afraid to know how much I have gained. On my holidays I gained 7 pounds. Then last week going back to work I lost 3 in my first 2 days back. Then I got injured so I didn't deliver any mail and started going up again. (Yeah, I know after my whining last post about the cold, it was a good week to work inside!) And now I feel my stomach pushed to it's limit full of junk. I fear that tomorrow I could very well be 180 or more. As I was going down, I remember saying to myself "there is no reason to ever go above 175, 174 173,172, 171" I never got to 170. Now I am stuck again where I never though I would be stuck. In this stupid head game. I have no commitment or resolve to make any plan to get myself out of this hole work. I am only leaning on my work to get me back down. When I work this bad eating doesn't really matter.
But even if work can get me out of this weight gain, it doesn't change the fact that my mind is still sick. It still wants/lets me overeat. It still wants me to hide covered in guilt and shame. It still puts the me who wants something different on the defense when it comes out to bully.
It might not be my mind, per se. I will have to think about it more. But it is a bully, whatever it is. It says, "Don't you even THINK about stopping me! I will eat whatever the FUCK I want." I'm sorry for the F bomb. I thought about using f*** but that's not what I feel. It is the full blown tirade and tantrum.
I think about what I can do when I am hit (bully) with the urge to eat or keep eating. Writing here is obvious, drinking, cross stitching, reading, house work, calling,... The list could be endless. (One distraction I remember reading was brushing your teeth. I had never thought about that before, but I think it is a good one. It is healthy and it cleans out my mouth from the junk that was in it. And usually the taste of the toothpaste and the food I want to eat don't go that well together. ) Right now it is so hard to stop mid-stream. It is so hard to challenge the bully especially when the bully is used to getting their own way. Part of me says why stop anyway. The bully is just going to win anyway. Whether it's now or in an hour the bully always wins.
How do I convince myself to stand up to the bully? How do I change my attitude to any minutes the bully isn't winning are good minutes? I'll have to remind myself that any minutes the bully isn't winning are good minutes.
Wish me luck.
Monday, January 10, 2011
routine
Today, after 2 weeks of holidays, I went back to work. I was really nervous last night and this morning getting ready. I mean, it was only 2 weeks!
What had me going in circles is the weather. It was -25 C with the wind chill today. There were snow drifts all over from the weekend's blizzard. I knew it was going to be a tough day. Plus, it is amazing how quickly our bodies lose our muscles when they aren't used!
This winter has been a struggle for me to keep my hands and feet warm. I think I have mild frost bite which means that as soon as they get a little bit cold, they hurt and freeze and are very hard to get warm. Most people tell me that after they have been walking about 10 minutes, their hands are warm. For me, it is almost 30 minutes before my fingers are warm from moving my body. Then, if I stop, for as little as 5 minutes, I have to start the warming all over again. It is so painful! The worst part is that I can't just bundle my hands in super huge mitts. I need my fingers constantly checking my mail and adding flyers at each house.
Yesterday, I went to Mountain Equipment Coop for new gloves. Right across the street is Atmosphere, so I went there first. I ended up buying 2 liners there - gloves that are supposed to go inside mitts. The price was ok. Then I went to MEC. I thought that if MEC was a better deal, I could just return the first ones. I ended up buying 2 more liners there. The liners that I got at Atmosphere were better quality than the ones I bought at MEC but I think they were a better price for similar quality ones at MEC.
So, today, I wore 2 of my new liners (the ones from Atmosphere) with another fleece/thinsulate pair on top. I put the gloves on before I left work so my hands would stay warm from inside rather than getting cold from walking outside and opening car doors before I put them on. BTW, I had on 2 pairs of socks (and an ankle brace on one foot), my new -40C boots, long underwear, pants and overpants, a long sleeved shirt, a short sleeved shirt and my winter parka on. Then I had a hat, a head band, a dickie and a neckwarmer. Then I pulled my hood over top.
What I learned from today is that the 3 layers worked well. I was able to remove and add layers as the wind changed or I warmed up. I also learned that I don't think there will be anything that will truly keep my fingers warm for that first little bit. Today, my fingers were all the way warm by 20 minutes, which is much better than before. But that is still a long time for cold and pain! Oh well. At least I live in the land of Chinooks! Hopefully by next week it will warm up again.
But all in all, I am glad to be back at work. It is good for me to have forced exercise, and routine. Over the holidays, I gained 7 pounds. Some of that is from over-indulging, but a lot of that has to do with not walking for 4 hours everyday. Since I get a great cardio workout at work, I don't have a regular gym schedule. Then when I don't work, I don't exercise. That is a good chunk of calories that I usually burn that I don't. In addition, When I am working, I don't have time to eat. When I am at home, I have all the time in the world to eat! So not only am I not burning as much, but I am eating more.
Last week, I spent a lot of time watching old Intervention episodes online. I really like that show. I can relate to so much in the addicts. Especially last week when I was making a lot of sweets and eating a lot sweets and gaining weight. It really felt like I had gone back to old times when I would go back and back and back to the food even though I was full, sick, tired, or any of the other feelings that should make me want to stop. I think that was why I had to choose the weight loss goal for 2011 instead of the mature route. The weight loss will be tricky for me. I will need to learn more about saying no to myself and feeling feelings and taking up the fight rather than lying down and letting it trample me all over.
At least I have no more holidays booked until April!!! That's 3 months to guide me with my routine!
What had me going in circles is the weather. It was -25 C with the wind chill today. There were snow drifts all over from the weekend's blizzard. I knew it was going to be a tough day. Plus, it is amazing how quickly our bodies lose our muscles when they aren't used!
This winter has been a struggle for me to keep my hands and feet warm. I think I have mild frost bite which means that as soon as they get a little bit cold, they hurt and freeze and are very hard to get warm. Most people tell me that after they have been walking about 10 minutes, their hands are warm. For me, it is almost 30 minutes before my fingers are warm from moving my body. Then, if I stop, for as little as 5 minutes, I have to start the warming all over again. It is so painful! The worst part is that I can't just bundle my hands in super huge mitts. I need my fingers constantly checking my mail and adding flyers at each house.
Yesterday, I went to Mountain Equipment Coop for new gloves. Right across the street is Atmosphere, so I went there first. I ended up buying 2 liners there - gloves that are supposed to go inside mitts. The price was ok. Then I went to MEC. I thought that if MEC was a better deal, I could just return the first ones. I ended up buying 2 more liners there. The liners that I got at Atmosphere were better quality than the ones I bought at MEC but I think they were a better price for similar quality ones at MEC.
So, today, I wore 2 of my new liners (the ones from Atmosphere) with another fleece/thinsulate pair on top. I put the gloves on before I left work so my hands would stay warm from inside rather than getting cold from walking outside and opening car doors before I put them on. BTW, I had on 2 pairs of socks (and an ankle brace on one foot), my new -40C boots, long underwear, pants and overpants, a long sleeved shirt, a short sleeved shirt and my winter parka on. Then I had a hat, a head band, a dickie and a neckwarmer. Then I pulled my hood over top.
What I learned from today is that the 3 layers worked well. I was able to remove and add layers as the wind changed or I warmed up. I also learned that I don't think there will be anything that will truly keep my fingers warm for that first little bit. Today, my fingers were all the way warm by 20 minutes, which is much better than before. But that is still a long time for cold and pain! Oh well. At least I live in the land of Chinooks! Hopefully by next week it will warm up again.
But all in all, I am glad to be back at work. It is good for me to have forced exercise, and routine. Over the holidays, I gained 7 pounds. Some of that is from over-indulging, but a lot of that has to do with not walking for 4 hours everyday. Since I get a great cardio workout at work, I don't have a regular gym schedule. Then when I don't work, I don't exercise. That is a good chunk of calories that I usually burn that I don't. In addition, When I am working, I don't have time to eat. When I am at home, I have all the time in the world to eat! So not only am I not burning as much, but I am eating more.
Last week, I spent a lot of time watching old Intervention episodes online. I really like that show. I can relate to so much in the addicts. Especially last week when I was making a lot of sweets and eating a lot sweets and gaining weight. It really felt like I had gone back to old times when I would go back and back and back to the food even though I was full, sick, tired, or any of the other feelings that should make me want to stop. I think that was why I had to choose the weight loss goal for 2011 instead of the mature route. The weight loss will be tricky for me. I will need to learn more about saying no to myself and feeling feelings and taking up the fight rather than lying down and letting it trample me all over.
At least I have no more holidays booked until April!!! That's 3 months to guide me with my routine!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Really
It's 11pm and I should be in bed already, but after not posting for so long, I really want to post something. My plan is to talk a bit about new year's and all that it entails, but you never know where I will end up!
The last week or so I have been thinking about what this new year will bring. What do I want it to bring? And more accurately, what will I bring to the new year? "What will the new year bring?" is too passive for where I am in my life.
I used to float by just going where ever the current would take me. Goals were never made because I never understood that I could impact the outcome. The idea that my actions could directly effect the situations in my life wasn't anywhere in my belief system. I never really pursued anything like good grades, success in money management, or weight loss. Being sufficient was good enough for me. Getting by was how I got by.
Now I believe differently. I have seen A) that I am able to make good choices and B) that those good choices do make a difference. In terms of our money problems, we have been making much better choices and it has made a difference. We live beneath our means. We are saving a little money. We have a plan to pay back our mountain of debt. In terms of weight loss, I have made good choices during the past year and it has made a difference. My food situation is a little dicey right now. (I will probably go into that yet again, in another post.) But I have made good choices. I have seen the difference those choices have made. They make me feel so much better mentally and emotionally. They also leave a difference on the scale - over time.
So, anyway, back to new years... I'm not against resolutions per se, but to say "I resolve to do XYZ." doesn't really sit with me well. Accountability with myself is still a bit weak, so resolving in my own mind to do something specific like not eat any more sugar this year will not work.
I have read a lot about not having resolutions but goals for the new year. With the idea that goals are measurable and have firmer parameters around them which make them less loosey-goosey than resolutions. Again, for me right now, to make goals would be similar to making wishes. I really, really, want to lose my last 25 pounds in the next 6 months. But I know in my heart that I am not willing to not eat any more sugar for the year. So to make a goal of losing 25 pounds in 6 months fits the guidelines for goal making, but I know won't work for me.
What I have opted for is something more basic. When it came to me I knew it was the right fit. My plan is to be more mature. To make the effort to do the things that I need to do as a strong, confident woman/wife/mom. I'm sure I have mentioned previously how my last year has brought a new maturity to my life. Now I want to embrace that even more.
Right now, maturity will look a lot like housework. It means cleaning up right after dinner instead of leaving it for the morning, or sweeping the floor for the hundredth time in one day. It means picking something up and putting it where it belongs the first time I see it instead of stepping over it all day and then begrudgingly putting it away at the end of the day. It means being the adult in my relationship with my kids and showing them patience and grace and love instead of frustration and anger. It means keeping up with the tracking of our expenses and writing everything I spend down instead of getting tired and bored of this task. It means choosing to eat properly and healthfully instead of trying to get away with eating junk just because I exercise a lot and don't get sick when I eat a lot of sugary, fatty foods. It means taking the long view and making choices that are best for the future not just right now.
Approaching my year this way will let me have success. Each time I do one of the mature things, I can feel proud of my actions. It doesn't hinge all on one thing or one area of my life.
As I was just writing this, I wondered if I am hiding from hard things. I really do want to lose my last 25 pounds in 6 months. But am I too afraid to seek that out? I know it will be hard to do. I know it will take dedication and commitment. Maybe by taking the "mature" way I have given myself a way out of holding my feet to the fire. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of telling myself no to the food I want to eat. Yup. I'm afraid all right. I rationalize that being mature also covers food and weight. It does. But it also gives me an out to not really try. It lets me go where ever the current takes me rather than being determined to succeed in this area.
Now what do I do? I really like the maturity angle. I really do think it will work with me. But having happened upon this fear of going for what I really want makes me think that I need to put a greater emphasis on the weight loss. Ugh. I'm face to face with who I really am: someone who hates hard choices, telling myself no and failure. I want (so badly) to let myself off the hook. I want to continue to eat what I want yet I know it was that path that took me to 320 pounds. If I want to go a different way, I will have to get off of that path.
I know it doesn't have to be an either/or with maturity or 25 pounds. I can still do both. It's just that in my head, I need to know that I have a *goal*. I need to decide or else I will just have another out.
I must confess, I did not know my post would go this way. I really had no idea that this was lurking inside of me. Thanks for letting me go through this with you.
Also, I must apologize for my constant use of the word, "really." I haven't counted how many times I used it - but I could have used it more. I edited a few out, if you can imagine!
The last week or so I have been thinking about what this new year will bring. What do I want it to bring? And more accurately, what will I bring to the new year? "What will the new year bring?" is too passive for where I am in my life.
I used to float by just going where ever the current would take me. Goals were never made because I never understood that I could impact the outcome. The idea that my actions could directly effect the situations in my life wasn't anywhere in my belief system. I never really pursued anything like good grades, success in money management, or weight loss. Being sufficient was good enough for me. Getting by was how I got by.
Now I believe differently. I have seen A) that I am able to make good choices and B) that those good choices do make a difference. In terms of our money problems, we have been making much better choices and it has made a difference. We live beneath our means. We are saving a little money. We have a plan to pay back our mountain of debt. In terms of weight loss, I have made good choices during the past year and it has made a difference. My food situation is a little dicey right now. (I will probably go into that yet again, in another post.) But I have made good choices. I have seen the difference those choices have made. They make me feel so much better mentally and emotionally. They also leave a difference on the scale - over time.
So, anyway, back to new years... I'm not against resolutions per se, but to say "I resolve to do XYZ." doesn't really sit with me well. Accountability with myself is still a bit weak, so resolving in my own mind to do something specific like not eat any more sugar this year will not work.
I have read a lot about not having resolutions but goals for the new year. With the idea that goals are measurable and have firmer parameters around them which make them less loosey-goosey than resolutions. Again, for me right now, to make goals would be similar to making wishes. I really, really, want to lose my last 25 pounds in the next 6 months. But I know in my heart that I am not willing to not eat any more sugar for the year. So to make a goal of losing 25 pounds in 6 months fits the guidelines for goal making, but I know won't work for me.
What I have opted for is something more basic. When it came to me I knew it was the right fit. My plan is to be more mature. To make the effort to do the things that I need to do as a strong, confident woman/wife/mom. I'm sure I have mentioned previously how my last year has brought a new maturity to my life. Now I want to embrace that even more.
Right now, maturity will look a lot like housework. It means cleaning up right after dinner instead of leaving it for the morning, or sweeping the floor for the hundredth time in one day. It means picking something up and putting it where it belongs the first time I see it instead of stepping over it all day and then begrudgingly putting it away at the end of the day. It means being the adult in my relationship with my kids and showing them patience and grace and love instead of frustration and anger. It means keeping up with the tracking of our expenses and writing everything I spend down instead of getting tired and bored of this task. It means choosing to eat properly and healthfully instead of trying to get away with eating junk just because I exercise a lot and don't get sick when I eat a lot of sugary, fatty foods. It means taking the long view and making choices that are best for the future not just right now.
Approaching my year this way will let me have success. Each time I do one of the mature things, I can feel proud of my actions. It doesn't hinge all on one thing or one area of my life.
As I was just writing this, I wondered if I am hiding from hard things. I really do want to lose my last 25 pounds in 6 months. But am I too afraid to seek that out? I know it will be hard to do. I know it will take dedication and commitment. Maybe by taking the "mature" way I have given myself a way out of holding my feet to the fire. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of telling myself no to the food I want to eat. Yup. I'm afraid all right. I rationalize that being mature also covers food and weight. It does. But it also gives me an out to not really try. It lets me go where ever the current takes me rather than being determined to succeed in this area.
Now what do I do? I really like the maturity angle. I really do think it will work with me. But having happened upon this fear of going for what I really want makes me think that I need to put a greater emphasis on the weight loss. Ugh. I'm face to face with who I really am: someone who hates hard choices, telling myself no and failure. I want (so badly) to let myself off the hook. I want to continue to eat what I want yet I know it was that path that took me to 320 pounds. If I want to go a different way, I will have to get off of that path.
I know it doesn't have to be an either/or with maturity or 25 pounds. I can still do both. It's just that in my head, I need to know that I have a *goal*. I need to decide or else I will just have another out.
I must confess, I did not know my post would go this way. I really had no idea that this was lurking inside of me. Thanks for letting me go through this with you.
Also, I must apologize for my constant use of the word, "really." I haven't counted how many times I used it - but I could have used it more. I edited a few out, if you can imagine!
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