I just finished 3.5 hours of making cookies, rhubarb muffins and loaf, AND strawberry-rhubarb jam! Whew!
My daughter wanted a cookie at the restaurant we were at, so I suggested that I make her some and she could have one before bed. They didn't turn out the way I like them. While unfortunate, it's probably a good thing.
I had cut up a bunch of rhubarb from our yard a few days ago. It has been sitting in the fridge waiting for me to do something with it. My intention was jam, but I don't have enough jars for the amount of rhubarb I had. The heat of the oven brought to mind a marvelous recipe I have from Canadian Living for Rhubarb Loaf/Muffins. It is very nice. I doubled it and used almost all of the rhubarb.
With only a bit of the rhu and a container of strawberries quickly going downhill, I decided to make jam. I had 2 jars ready. It made Those 2 and 2 cups extra in bowls ready to use first thing. I think it will taste really good! I'll have to remember to get the bread out to make toast in the morning.
So, that was my evening. As I was cooking up a storm, I thought I don't have many hobbies. I cross stitch, but I don't always want to do that. I like to be active. I find baking rather stimulating for some reason. I kind of get lost in it. I also listen to my ipod while I'm at it. If only I had a kitchen elf who would clean up my mess! But progress in that I cleaned up right away tonight. No leaving it all for tomorrow.
Now, I'm off to do my Bible reading. The book of Acts is very interesting.
ttfn
kb
Thursday, August 20, 2009
So I am considering gastric bypass surgery. I don't think I will ever lose all the weight - even some of the weight - I need to without it. I sent an application to a surgeon in Montreal last year, but the next day, found out I was pregnant. As I waited to hear from the clinic, a couple of weeks passed. Then, my application came back in the mail short paid! I think that is very funny. I am not even on a publicly funded "weighting" list because I don't think I would have a chance to even get to the top of the list within 5 years. One article I read about the public system said that they only operate on people with co-morbidities. Unfortunately, I am currently healthy. I don't have any of the diseases associated with obesity. I don't have diabetes (miracle!), high blood pressure, high cholesterol. I am fairly active and when I am working as a letter carrier, I am very active. I guess I understand that if there are limited resources, it makes sense to use them on those who can benefit the most. Yet that means that in the public system, I must get sicker before I have the chance to get better.
A friend mentioned that in Brazil, where she is from, that they have some of the best surgeons and hospitals in the world. They are also much cheaper. So, I am now considering traveling down there for the surgery. If I can save about $10000, why not? I would also become a world traveller! How fun is that?!?!? I better get my passport.
I am nervous. Do I really want to do this? Do I really need it? What happens if something goes wrong? Death is a complication of surgery. What if there are problems and my life after is worse than before?
Then again, what if I don't do it. I am tired of this life where my self esteem is in the gutter. This life where people judge me for how I look. This life where I laugh at my husband because he says he loves me and thinks I am sexy. This life where I can't drive our truck because I don't fit and I am afraid to go on the ridge with my kids incase I am asked to get off because I don't fit. This life where the mental energy it takes to carry on with diet programs seems to oppress me and has me running back to the food.
I don't think I have done many programs, yet when I go through them, they start to add up: Nutritionists, psychologists, gym memberships, exercise videos, councelling, diet and exercise programs, at home diets from books, weekly weigh in diets, expensive doctor supervised diets, online diets and then there is the ever-present self-chastising diet where I criticise myself all day for the choices I have made. Will it ever end?
I am beginning to understand that even with surgery, it will still be a lifelong situation. Food and weight will always be my issues even if I am much smaller. My thought is that I would rather deal with these problems while I can ride the rides and drive our truck and believe my husband when he tells me I'm hot at 200lbs rather than 300!
Anyone have $13k you want to donate my cause!?!?!?!?
A friend mentioned that in Brazil, where she is from, that they have some of the best surgeons and hospitals in the world. They are also much cheaper. So, I am now considering traveling down there for the surgery. If I can save about $10000, why not? I would also become a world traveller! How fun is that?!?!? I better get my passport.
I am nervous. Do I really want to do this? Do I really need it? What happens if something goes wrong? Death is a complication of surgery. What if there are problems and my life after is worse than before?
Then again, what if I don't do it. I am tired of this life where my self esteem is in the gutter. This life where people judge me for how I look. This life where I laugh at my husband because he says he loves me and thinks I am sexy. This life where I can't drive our truck because I don't fit and I am afraid to go on the ridge with my kids incase I am asked to get off because I don't fit. This life where the mental energy it takes to carry on with diet programs seems to oppress me and has me running back to the food.
I don't think I have done many programs, yet when I go through them, they start to add up: Nutritionists, psychologists, gym memberships, exercise videos, councelling, diet and exercise programs, at home diets from books, weekly weigh in diets, expensive doctor supervised diets, online diets and then there is the ever-present self-chastising diet where I criticise myself all day for the choices I have made. Will it ever end?
I am beginning to understand that even with surgery, it will still be a lifelong situation. Food and weight will always be my issues even if I am much smaller. My thought is that I would rather deal with these problems while I can ride the rides and drive our truck and believe my husband when he tells me I'm hot at 200lbs rather than 300!
Anyone have $13k you want to donate my cause!?!?!?!?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Today I felt really good about how I've been handling my food choices for the past few days (like using yogurt on my pancakes instead of syrup. Like having diet jello and cool whip when the rest of my family was having ice cream. Like choosing and salad and not using any dressing because I liked it without.) But it's a hard hurdle to just bite the bullet and write down what I have eaten. The irrational part of my mind seems to think that if I don't write it down, it never happened. Unfortunately, the metabolic part of my brain and body doesn't follow suit.
I find it amazing how I can have so much resolve and within days - even minutes - it vanishes. Every time I watch Biggest Loser or Xweighted or something similar, I feel so pumped. I'm ready to beat my body into submission. I will take no prisoners! I even start planning how I will tackle tomorrow. Then, my hubby asks if I want some ice cream. Hmmmm. That sounds great! Make mine chocolate dip.
Poof! Gone. The super-incredible, deep-seated, forged steel resolve has dissappeared only to return during the viewing of next week's episode.
All of this to say that even though I have been making some really good choices, I feel like I have blown it tonight. It seems like I couldn't be satisfied until I had my softened, chocolate ice cream. I thought about other things I could have instead - like cool whip. Instead of having it instead, I had both! (With some button mushrooms thrown in the middle because I love them and I was making some chili for tomorrow!) Also, I left the carton out so it would still be soft when I came back for more. I knew that by leaving it out, I would guarantee that I would have more rather than putting it away and making one more barrier between me and my desire.
I do this often. I know strategies that will help me make better choices, but then I choose not to do them. for example, I know that when I start to feel "bingey" that I need to drink some water. I really notice that when I am dehydrated, I want to eat. But, I will still choose to eat instead of drinking water. Man, am I stubborn! Some people ask whether overeating and being fat are genetic or learned behaviour. I have said for a long time that even though everyone in my family uses food to soothe themselves, I was the best learner because I am the biggest. (but stubbornness is genetic!!! lol)
On a positive note, I feel really good about how I dealt with my kids today. After so long of being so stressed out, I am finally feeling better. But I am also making a more determined effort to treat my kids better. I am trying to treat them more as guests than as family. I say things to my family that I would never say to anyone else. By trying to look at them in this light helps me to be more positive and more humourous in my interactions with them. I used to be entirely tired of them and frustrated with them for a good chunk of the day. Today, it seemed the impulse to be angry just wasn't there. Hallejujah!
Time to go. ttys
kb
I find it amazing how I can have so much resolve and within days - even minutes - it vanishes. Every time I watch Biggest Loser or Xweighted or something similar, I feel so pumped. I'm ready to beat my body into submission. I will take no prisoners! I even start planning how I will tackle tomorrow. Then, my hubby asks if I want some ice cream. Hmmmm. That sounds great! Make mine chocolate dip.
Poof! Gone. The super-incredible, deep-seated, forged steel resolve has dissappeared only to return during the viewing of next week's episode.
All of this to say that even though I have been making some really good choices, I feel like I have blown it tonight. It seems like I couldn't be satisfied until I had my softened, chocolate ice cream. I thought about other things I could have instead - like cool whip. Instead of having it instead, I had both! (With some button mushrooms thrown in the middle because I love them and I was making some chili for tomorrow!) Also, I left the carton out so it would still be soft when I came back for more. I knew that by leaving it out, I would guarantee that I would have more rather than putting it away and making one more barrier between me and my desire.
I do this often. I know strategies that will help me make better choices, but then I choose not to do them. for example, I know that when I start to feel "bingey" that I need to drink some water. I really notice that when I am dehydrated, I want to eat. But, I will still choose to eat instead of drinking water. Man, am I stubborn! Some people ask whether overeating and being fat are genetic or learned behaviour. I have said for a long time that even though everyone in my family uses food to soothe themselves, I was the best learner because I am the biggest. (but stubbornness is genetic!!! lol)
On a positive note, I feel really good about how I dealt with my kids today. After so long of being so stressed out, I am finally feeling better. But I am also making a more determined effort to treat my kids better. I am trying to treat them more as guests than as family. I say things to my family that I would never say to anyone else. By trying to look at them in this light helps me to be more positive and more humourous in my interactions with them. I used to be entirely tired of them and frustrated with them for a good chunk of the day. Today, it seemed the impulse to be angry just wasn't there. Hallejujah!
Time to go. ttys
kb
Saturday, August 8, 2009
It has been a while and I don't have much time tonight either. But here we go.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned until almost 5am. My mind just wouldn't get of the roller coaster of thoughts and feelings. I got up around 2am to write a letter to my small group telling them that I feel like an outcast.
A lot of time was spent on my neighbours whom I sent home when they were here playing. I felt equally justified and guilty for doing it. They are older than my kids and louder and more destructive. Their grandma is constantly coming over because she is bored. I don't have a lot of patience left for them. Jesus wants me to love her/them, but right now i really feel like I can't. Actually it's probably a won't. Jane has tgruly worn out her welcome with me and it will take a long time to reset.
Some time was spent thinking about moving. I think we are going to downsize. We have had this idea for a number of years, but have never done anything about it. Now is the time. First, we need to get our house ready. We have done a fair amount of renos, but it's all the finishing touches that get left for years!
Oh, and I really think I need to have weightloss surgery. The constant roller coaster ride of emotions that I take every day when I am trying but not doing well, and then not trying because I'm not doing well then thinking I should try harder to do better, but then thinking I can't try harder because it's too hard. Or something like that. I want a chance at a "normal" life. A life where I can drive my husband's truck. Right now my legs are not long enough to compensate for how far away the seat must be in order for my belly to have enough room. I would like to go on amusement park rides without worrying that I won't fit and be thrown off. My plan is to keep with the WWonline, but pursue the surgery too.
It's bed time now.
Night night.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned until almost 5am. My mind just wouldn't get of the roller coaster of thoughts and feelings. I got up around 2am to write a letter to my small group telling them that I feel like an outcast.
A lot of time was spent on my neighbours whom I sent home when they were here playing. I felt equally justified and guilty for doing it. They are older than my kids and louder and more destructive. Their grandma is constantly coming over because she is bored. I don't have a lot of patience left for them. Jesus wants me to love her/them, but right now i really feel like I can't. Actually it's probably a won't. Jane has tgruly worn out her welcome with me and it will take a long time to reset.
Some time was spent thinking about moving. I think we are going to downsize. We have had this idea for a number of years, but have never done anything about it. Now is the time. First, we need to get our house ready. We have done a fair amount of renos, but it's all the finishing touches that get left for years!
Oh, and I really think I need to have weightloss surgery. The constant roller coaster ride of emotions that I take every day when I am trying but not doing well, and then not trying because I'm not doing well then thinking I should try harder to do better, but then thinking I can't try harder because it's too hard. Or something like that. I want a chance at a "normal" life. A life where I can drive my husband's truck. Right now my legs are not long enough to compensate for how far away the seat must be in order for my belly to have enough room. I would like to go on amusement park rides without worrying that I won't fit and be thrown off. My plan is to keep with the WWonline, but pursue the surgery too.
It's bed time now.
Night night.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)