New Pics

Sorry to scare you! That's pretty shocking. But since I have given up all other things on the computer, I have now posted my before surgery pictures. I call this one "before mean." It seems that a lot of before pictures are not pretty - I mean that I look angry - not just fat. I think it's because when I had my pictures before I felt so awful and I hated the way I looked and I would just grit my teeth and do it. I never hid from the camera, but I wouldn't really volunteer either.




Here is my happy side view. At least I didn't have a scowl! It's actually something I have noticed as I look at before and after pictures. The after pics are always much better. the people are smiling and happy and usually outside! Interesting.





So, I knew I was fat, but seeing these pictures, especially the mean one, is kind of scary. First of all, the shirt is UGLY! Finding clothes at the top end of the size chart is difficult. I found it really challenging because my boobs are/were a lot smaller than my belly. I would have to find shirts that were long enough to not show any skin, then they had to be big enough to go around my belly, but small enough to not show too much cleavage. This shirt was way too big on top. Every time I would bend over, everything would hang out.





So, let's go on to 3 months later.


I just had my 3 month surgiversary. I made it to 80 lbs down in 3 months and 2 days. When I compare the pictures, I can see a big difference. But I must admit that when I first saw this picture, I wasn't that impressed. I thought that I was still big. I suppose that is still the truth: I AM still big. I would still qualify for the surgery without any co-morbidities at this weight. I am also starting to run into skin issues. After 3 babies and being over 300 for a year has left my belly hanging. I am only 12 lbs away from my lowest adult weight. I was a size 18 then. I recently tried on size 18 pants. I can do them up - barely. They push all the fat on top of the waistband. It's not pleasant. They fit in the bum and legs. But, 12 lbs won't make that big a difference. It's the skin. I'm already thinking about starting research on plastic surgery options. I've heard a few going to Mexico and a couple to Costa Rica where their whole body can be reshaped for the cost of one surgery in Canada. Oh well. It's at least a couple of years away.

So I am feeling guilty. During this post, Norm came up asking me for info about booking a flight for his mom. I acted all, "Can't you do it?!?!?" Now, I need to go say sorry. I hate that! It's like I'm always going off the edge and he never does. At least he has always forgiven me so far.

I'm Lenting

I an observing lent this year. In the past, I would like the idea of sacrificing something to remind myself of the suffering of Christ, but I don't think I ever "really" did it. I have never been willing to suffer or sacrifice for anyone or anything.

So, this year has been quite a spiritual awakening for me. I am living my reversal of destiny where God has turned the tables that were set against me. He has called me out to study every day, work out regularly and to pray. I have started attending a prayer meeting at church each Wednesday. I also have to pray for people when we are talking to each other. Instead of saying, "I'll pray for you about that" and then walk away, I need to say, "Hey can I pray for you right now?"

My faith has always been real to me, but I have never lived it out loud. I have always been very quiet, partly because it is important. But now, I need to learn to be bold.

I was thinking about what I would give up for lent. I can't really give up food anymore. Although, I have found myself eating poorly lately. So I have given up sugary and junk foods like chips. Because those are rarely an issue now, I also needed to give up something else. The first thought was TV. I don't watch tonnes, but often Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights, I would watch 2 - 4 hours per night. I guess that is a lot! I figured because I didn't watch every night, and I don't watch at all in the day that it is a lot less than I could watch.

The other option was giving up my computer time. The computer is a place where I spend the time I don't spend watching tv. I wasn't really keen on giving up my computer since I depend on it so much for information and entertainment and communication. I am always looking up some tidbit or phone number or researching some topic. I haven't been on very much lately, but I also love the Bariatric TV forums (www.bariatrictv.com/forums). They are so great for fun and for help on the bariatric journey. And then of course, I couldn't give up my email or reading the blogs I follow.

It was pancake Tuesday. My brother and SIL came over with the kids for pancakes and I still wasn't sure what I was giving up. I didn't think the tv was enough, but the computer was too much.

I think it was Wednesday during my prayers that I realized it had to be both. I had to give up my shows - Intervention, Hoarders, Amazing Race, Biggest Loser, my crime dramas ( I can't remember the name and I can't look it up!) and also I had to give up my computer obsession. There are 2 caveats for the computer/internet: I can do my email once a day. I will sit down to check my mail and think, do I really want this to be my email time for the day?

Also, I am allowed to post blogs. This is my journal. It is good to write the thoughts going through my head. The sad part is, I am not allowed to read yours. I will miss your thoughts and happenings, but I believe God has called me to give this up for the next few weeks. Ok.
6 Weeks. I think of my loyal follower often. I am sad that I won't be able to comment on her blog. But I have and will continue to pray for her. Loyal follower, I can email if you send me your address!!!

It is important for me to develop these disciplines in my life. For 37 years, I have avoided any and all discipline. Discipline, and putting my goals and plans and God's plans and goals ahead of my whims and desires will be important in my long term success in all areas of my life. Holding myself to account is the only way I can make it. Others holding me accountable is very helpful and I need that. But holding myself accountable for the promises I make to God and myself is crucial. It has always been easy to lie to myself or just let what I wanted to do slide because it was too much work. That is how I got to 320 lbs and living my life like it was a boat adrift at sea, going where the currents took me. Now is the time to act with purpose and direction. Now is the time to go where I am called instead of letting myself meander and wonder why I never got anywhere. No longer.

It is definitely more work. I need to demand a lot of myself. But living my life the way God wants me to, is definitely worth the work. Am I willing to work to see the wonder?

YOU BET!

Blech!!!!

I feel awful right now and need to write about it. The food in my pouch won't come up, so the emotions have to.

I have slipped back into some old patterns of not thinking. Especially when it comes to food. Last week I ate some chips. They tasted good. They made me feel full without hurting. I ate 2 bags over 2 days. I didn't eat much of anything else though.

Today, I wanted to have more. I went to Norm's car and got 3 bags. As I was walking into the house, I was trying to stifle the thought, "this is not looking good. Are you going to binge?" I was embarrassed and didn't want my daughter to see me bring them in and I tried to hide them. I think I was successful, but sometimes she doesn't care about such things. She went downstairs, and in solitude I scarfed down probably about 3/4 of the bag. I was eating them very quickly so no one would catch me.

My husband came up to say good bye and I wondered if he would taste them when we kissed. He didn't mention it. I then opened a different flavour bag. I wanted the sweetness of them versus the salty taste of the first. I had a few. Again afraid I would be caught, I tried to stuff the bag behind the computer.

Then I felt gross. I went to the bathroom and tried to make room for the contents of my pouch to go down. It hurt. I was uncomfortable and wanted to throw up. I have always hated worshipping the porcelain gods, but since my surgery, it is often the best way to get relief. I just pray it will come up. This time, some liquid did, but no food. As we speak, it is still making it's way through my small stoma (opening from new pouch to intestine) with much gurgling. I still feel like some should come up, but based on past experience, don't think that any will.

My instinct is to drink. That doesn't work with this. Especially if the food expands. I've had it explained that my new pouch and stoma is like a funnel. If the funnel is stuck with food, water can't get through and just backs up making a bad situation worse.

What scares me about this episode is that it is the same old pattern I used to live by: "don't stop long enough to talk yourself out of it." Like I said, when I was bringing the chips into the house, I had that little voice that knew the truth and I chose to ignore it. The challenge now, is to accept that I made an error in judgement, learn from it and move on. So, what did I learn this time? I can have one or two chips if they are someone else's. I may not have a bag to myself. It leads to bad things! It takes time to undo 30+ years of binging and hiding and eating for emotional reasons. That's why I had to write it out. Thanks for letting me.

Other news...

I have been very busy with my new life. I can't remember if I wrote on my "reversal of destiny" epiphany. I believe God has reversed my destiny. He has allowed this surgery to be a hinge in my life where I have pivoted to a new path. On this new path is much wonder to be had. Much, much wonder. But the question Beth Moore asked me was if I was "willing to WORK to see the wonder?" I said yes.

I have always taken the easy way. I have given up when times have been hard. I have stopped a habit of discipline because of a simple schedule change. How many times have I started something, but never finished? Last year, I was studying my Bible during my lunch break at work. Then, my break time changed and that was then end of my study. A couple of years ago, I started working out at the gym putting the kids in the babysitting while I was there. My son got sick and I couldn't bring him to the childcare while he was sick, so I never went back. I even paid for 6 more months of babysitting before I finally cancelled it. Instead of rolling with the punches of life, I let them run me over.

So the last few weeks, I have been working. I have been doing my Bible study homework EVERY day. I have been working out at the gym 3 times a week. These are my 2 main disciplines. Both of them are crucial to the rest of my life. As I lose weight, and get to goal, exercise will make a bigger and bigger difference in my body and mind. (can you say "stress relief?") Bible study is essential for living a Christian life with meaning and purpose. I have lived many years without hardly cracking my Bible open. And I would wonder why I didn't feel alive spiritually. Duh! God's Word is alive and active. It is living and speaks to me and my spirit directly when I avail myself to it.

God is also calling me to pray. and to pray boldly. Instead of telling someone I will pray for them - even with good intentions - I need to pray for them at that time. I need to pray all the time for whatever is going on. Also, I need to pray for my family. To "stand in the gap" as it were. This one I am not that sure about. I don't really know how to pray for all that I need to pray for. And to be honest, I kind of get bored going on about the same thing over and over. I hope I can learn.

Update: It has been over 2.5 hours since I ate all that crap. Just so you know, I am still feeling it!

If you're still reading thanks. You're the best!