My "loyal follower" left me a comment wondering about what I meant about Christians taking anti-depressants. Here, I'm just trying to clarify in my own mind why I think there could be a problem for Christians taking antidepressants. Here are some of my thoughts.
All I can come up with is that depression seems different to me than a broken leg. I have no problem taking Tylenol for a headache or if I did have a broken bone getting it set and taking pain medicine. When it comes to my mental health, that seems to be much more closely associated with spiritual health than physical health. If I truly depended on God and trusted Him with my entire life, then I would be mentally clear and refreshed and not depressed. And because I never feel like I have the type of relationship with God that I think I should have, I think that being closer will solve all my problems, which is what I have been taught: "Just trust Jesus with whatever you are going through."
Also, because it is inside my head, I'm never quite sure if it is a spiritual attack or a true medical condition. I know both can be true. How do I know in my case?!?!? I have these DVDs by Dr. Grant Mullen on depression. Maybe I need to go back to them and evaluate my own situation. He is a medical doctor, who is a Christian and exclusively deals with depression. He also believes in miraculous healing. It is really interesting because he has been given the gift of discernment to know which cases are spiritual oppression and which are medical. He claims to have heard demons speaking out of people and has also prayed for people to be release from this. Some of you may think he sounds like a nut job, but I have found him to be very balanced in his presentation of depression. He knows and understands the medical side and prescribes medication when appropriate, but he also incorporates his understanding of God into his practice. When my impression is that a lot of professionals (medical and otherwise) leave their faith at the door, he uses it daily to help him help others. Yes, I will have to check out the dvds again.
This has been good for me. I now know what I think. I think that if I am indeed depressed, then I need to go on the medication. I will also seek prayer and maybe even ask for healing. (That is hard for me. I believe that God can and does heal people. I'm afraid to ask, because what if he doesn't heal me? This is another question for another post, though.) This way I am not leaving God out of the equation and allowing him to use whatever means He chooses of getting me through this.
Now, off to Dr. Mullen's site to do his questionnaire!
http://www.drgrantmullen.com/the_pathway_selftests/index.html
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Medication it is!
The last couple of weeks I have been depressed, but functional. I'd call it Blue.
Depression is nothing new to me. I've been on medication on and off for almost 20 years. This time, though, it's a bit different. I'm still able to do my tasks even if it is more difficult to get out of bed whereas previous times, I was almost completely unfunctional. a couple of years ago, I ended up taking over a month off of work. It's also different because I have had to give my only coping mechanism - overeating. I believe this is where this episode is coming from.
Online, there are lots of people who have had surgery who are on antidepressants and some of their surgeons make it a habit to prescribe to everyone. I'm a little reluctant to start again. I don't like taking medicine. But after talking with my psychologist, and my doctor and others on my favourite message board, I think I will start. Today, my mood is as sombre as ever. Even my husband has asked if he offended me because of how I was acting. Just quiet and non committal and perfunctory.
I haven't really even prayed about it. But I have thought about the question of Christians taking antidepressants. Of course, I'm not against it, but it just seems somehow that I should be trusting God to renew my mind and letting the Holy Spirit heal me. Hmm. (of course not having the concentration to pray is one of the symptoms of depression.)
ttys
kb
The last couple of weeks I have been depressed, but functional. I'd call it Blue.
Depression is nothing new to me. I've been on medication on and off for almost 20 years. This time, though, it's a bit different. I'm still able to do my tasks even if it is more difficult to get out of bed whereas previous times, I was almost completely unfunctional. a couple of years ago, I ended up taking over a month off of work. It's also different because I have had to give my only coping mechanism - overeating. I believe this is where this episode is coming from.
Online, there are lots of people who have had surgery who are on antidepressants and some of their surgeons make it a habit to prescribe to everyone. I'm a little reluctant to start again. I don't like taking medicine. But after talking with my psychologist, and my doctor and others on my favourite message board, I think I will start. Today, my mood is as sombre as ever. Even my husband has asked if he offended me because of how I was acting. Just quiet and non committal and perfunctory.
I haven't really even prayed about it. But I have thought about the question of Christians taking antidepressants. Of course, I'm not against it, but it just seems somehow that I should be trusting God to renew my mind and letting the Holy Spirit heal me. Hmm. (of course not having the concentration to pray is one of the symptoms of depression.)
ttys
kb
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
hypocrisy
So, Christmas is over for another year. I have survived! They day went really well. We had brunch with the family, opened gifts, went tobogganing, had appies, had dinner and opened more gifts! Then we played Rummoli. I now have rummoli on the brain.
The food was okay. I had 1.5 pieces of bacon for breakfast, which didn't seem to go down very well. I thought I would be sick, but eventually they passed. Then the appetizers (which I made) also got stuck. This time I had to bow out of the party for about an hour or so. The pretzel chips (all 4 bites) wouldn't go any further, so up they came. I must say that when something is stuck, it feels so much better after an upchuck. It's not like before... It's just a small amount that comes up with one hurl and then it's over. Very quick and easy. The hard part is that for me, it seems to take an hour of extreme discomfort to get to the quick and easy part.
As an extended family, we are trying to re-define what Christmas looks like. Right now, it all seems so excessive; excessive food, excessive gifts and excessive time spent with all the same people. On the agenda to change for next year, are the way we exchange gifts. The older crowd is hard to convince, but each year I get older, it is harder and harder to justify the mound of gifts. Don't get me wrong, I love a great gift, but it seems so wrong to spend the thousands of dollars on things we either don't need or want. I can agree that for the kids, it might be different. But for the adults, let's just stop for a moment and think. Let's re-think. What if we didn't buy anyone anything for one year? What if our gift was a donation? What if our gift was time? What if we gave to people who truly have needs?
It is hard to change. But I think it is worthwhile. At least that's what I"m trying to convince myself of anyway.
The food was okay. I had 1.5 pieces of bacon for breakfast, which didn't seem to go down very well. I thought I would be sick, but eventually they passed. Then the appetizers (which I made) also got stuck. This time I had to bow out of the party for about an hour or so. The pretzel chips (all 4 bites) wouldn't go any further, so up they came. I must say that when something is stuck, it feels so much better after an upchuck. It's not like before... It's just a small amount that comes up with one hurl and then it's over. Very quick and easy. The hard part is that for me, it seems to take an hour of extreme discomfort to get to the quick and easy part.
As an extended family, we are trying to re-define what Christmas looks like. Right now, it all seems so excessive; excessive food, excessive gifts and excessive time spent with all the same people. On the agenda to change for next year, are the way we exchange gifts. The older crowd is hard to convince, but each year I get older, it is harder and harder to justify the mound of gifts. Don't get me wrong, I love a great gift, but it seems so wrong to spend the thousands of dollars on things we either don't need or want. I can agree that for the kids, it might be different. But for the adults, let's just stop for a moment and think. Let's re-think. What if we didn't buy anyone anything for one year? What if our gift was a donation? What if our gift was time? What if we gave to people who truly have needs?
It is hard to change. But I think it is worthwhile. At least that's what I"m trying to convince myself of anyway.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Memories, all alone in the moonlight
We finally put the tree up today. It's actually kind of nice to have it up. It's nothing special - just a 4 foot artificial tree with lights and some ornaments. But, it works for us. If the presents don't fit around it, then we have too many presents.
Actually, I am hoping our family will opt out of presents for next year. Maybe not the kids, but at least for the adults in the extended family. Nobody is lacking for what we need. Nobody needs to waste their money buying things nobody wants. Maybe drawing names or even having a generic gift pile and make a game out of it - you know - the first person opens a gift, the 2nd person can steal that gift or unwrap a new one. The 3rd can then steal or choose a new one. I think that could be fun.
ummm. what else. I know there was something else. If only my brain would engage.
The baby is not very happy being put down for a nap. We tried earlier and failed. This time, I hope to win. They are very crafty at getting their own way.
oh yeah. One of the reasons we put up the tree today (other than it's less than a week away) is what my mother said to me on the phone. We were chatting about how I wasn't ready for Christmas and how she is glad she doesn't have the pressure of having Christmas brunch at her place this year. She also has no decorations up. So she said, "Kristen, you're making memories for your kids!! You need to do what you need to do!"
That kind of thing holds no power over me (well, okay maybe a very, itsy-bitsy bit!) It just sounds full of guilt and shame and pressure to make things a certain way when there is no need for anything that certain. Having a stressed out mother also makes memories and not the kind that go along with a nice holiday.
I've just been thinking about what I remember about our Christmases. The only things I remember revolve around presents and food. We opened our presents Christmas morning and then ate the rest of the day. Even as a child, I was fat and food obsessed. Christmas was perfect for getting lots of sugar all day long.
Hear that? That's the sound of a sleeping baby!
So, what are the memories we are going to create for our kids? As a child, I always wanted to open one gift on Christmas eve. I think I would like to do that. Anada just asked if we could. I wonder about the same gift each year - the traditional new set of pj's for Christmas or something like that. "When I was growing up, my parents always got me a ________ for Christmas. You know, I think I've received one of those every year since I was a kid! It always reminds me of Christmas." Hmmmm. Something to ponder.
As I get smaller, hopefully we will also be more active and have something physical be a yearly tradition too. Maybe my feet will actually get small enough to fit into ice skates!?!?!?
As I get older and I learn to trust God more and love Him more, it's also important to set up the faith traditions. My mom started reading the Christmas story when we were teenagers before we would open the presents. It's a start. It's hard to have any meaningful conversation because my family doesn't share our feelings with each other. Especially me. I would really like to begin open discussions with my husband and kids while they are young. I think it will make it less awkward.
Hear that? She's not sleeping anymore.
Actually, I am hoping our family will opt out of presents for next year. Maybe not the kids, but at least for the adults in the extended family. Nobody is lacking for what we need. Nobody needs to waste their money buying things nobody wants. Maybe drawing names or even having a generic gift pile and make a game out of it - you know - the first person opens a gift, the 2nd person can steal that gift or unwrap a new one. The 3rd can then steal or choose a new one. I think that could be fun.
ummm. what else. I know there was something else. If only my brain would engage.
The baby is not very happy being put down for a nap. We tried earlier and failed. This time, I hope to win. They are very crafty at getting their own way.
oh yeah. One of the reasons we put up the tree today (other than it's less than a week away) is what my mother said to me on the phone. We were chatting about how I wasn't ready for Christmas and how she is glad she doesn't have the pressure of having Christmas brunch at her place this year. She also has no decorations up. So she said, "Kristen, you're making memories for your kids!! You need to do what you need to do!"
That kind of thing holds no power over me (well, okay maybe a very, itsy-bitsy bit!) It just sounds full of guilt and shame and pressure to make things a certain way when there is no need for anything that certain. Having a stressed out mother also makes memories and not the kind that go along with a nice holiday.
I've just been thinking about what I remember about our Christmases. The only things I remember revolve around presents and food. We opened our presents Christmas morning and then ate the rest of the day. Even as a child, I was fat and food obsessed. Christmas was perfect for getting lots of sugar all day long.
Hear that? That's the sound of a sleeping baby!
So, what are the memories we are going to create for our kids? As a child, I always wanted to open one gift on Christmas eve. I think I would like to do that. Anada just asked if we could. I wonder about the same gift each year - the traditional new set of pj's for Christmas or something like that. "When I was growing up, my parents always got me a ________ for Christmas. You know, I think I've received one of those every year since I was a kid! It always reminds me of Christmas." Hmmmm. Something to ponder.
As I get smaller, hopefully we will also be more active and have something physical be a yearly tradition too. Maybe my feet will actually get small enough to fit into ice skates!?!?!?
As I get older and I learn to trust God more and love Him more, it's also important to set up the faith traditions. My mom started reading the Christmas story when we were teenagers before we would open the presents. It's a start. It's hard to have any meaningful conversation because my family doesn't share our feelings with each other. Especially me. I would really like to begin open discussions with my husband and kids while they are young. I think it will make it less awkward.
Hear that? She's not sleeping anymore.
Friday, December 18, 2009
We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.
Today, I tried to eat a lightly fried egg. I didn't cook it very long. The whites were still white. No crispy parts or anything! I ate some. It was okay. But man, Then it hurt! I was sitting there thinking, Can I not just eat an egg without it feeling like my insides are being ripped apart?!?!? Even eating the yolk, which is my favourite part, didn't do much for me. I haven't quite learned the chewing part even though I am chewing way more than I ever did.
I read that it does get better. Hopefully. For me. Not just for other people.
I read that it does get better. Hopefully. For me. Not just for other people.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
sorry, not tonight dear.
The honeymoon is over. I'm not sure it ever really begun.
I've been starting to feel blue lately. Not much emotion other than BLAH! It feels like I haven't smiled in days and I am wading through my life like wading through a knee high snow drift.
It could have something to do with the conversation I had with my mom. She has stopped talking to my aunt because my aunt offended her by calling her "high maintenance" because of all of the stories she tells (really, they are incessant.) My mom didn't take kindly to that and for almost 3 months has not made any effort to connect with my aunt. I also put my foot in it when my mom asked me if I thought she was high maintenance. That was a hard one to answer.
The truth is YES! Very!
My mom doesn't handle the truth about herself very well. So, I Tried to speak kindly and graciously. Let's just say, it's not my strong point. Now I can't tell if she is mad at me too. (((BIG SIGH))) It always seems to go this way. This time, though, I wouldn't let her off the phone until we talked some more. Previously, after I had said something that hurt her, a few days later I would get a call from my dad saying how hurt mom was. It's like walking on eggshells. I think I am learning to appreciate her more, but then something like this happens and I feel lost as sea again.
I could also be feeling blue because now I have discovered that eating isn't fun anymore and depending on me and my pouch, it may never be again. NOT only is it not fun, but thoughts of what I can eat and can't eat consumes most waking moments! AHHHH! One blog I read today says that even 2 years out, eating isn't fun anymore. Making the food can be fun, but not eating.
To try and keep a proper perspective, there are lots of people who say the enjoy their food even more after surgery. They eat what they love in a slow, controlled way. Mr. Pouchie doesn't allow for gorging. They are more careful with the quality and flavour. Quality definitely wins out over quantity. This is where I want to be. One day...
I've been starting to feel blue lately. Not much emotion other than BLAH! It feels like I haven't smiled in days and I am wading through my life like wading through a knee high snow drift.
It could have something to do with the conversation I had with my mom. She has stopped talking to my aunt because my aunt offended her by calling her "high maintenance" because of all of the stories she tells (really, they are incessant.) My mom didn't take kindly to that and for almost 3 months has not made any effort to connect with my aunt. I also put my foot in it when my mom asked me if I thought she was high maintenance. That was a hard one to answer.
The truth is YES! Very!
My mom doesn't handle the truth about herself very well. So, I Tried to speak kindly and graciously. Let's just say, it's not my strong point. Now I can't tell if she is mad at me too. (((BIG SIGH))) It always seems to go this way. This time, though, I wouldn't let her off the phone until we talked some more. Previously, after I had said something that hurt her, a few days later I would get a call from my dad saying how hurt mom was. It's like walking on eggshells. I think I am learning to appreciate her more, but then something like this happens and I feel lost as sea again.
I could also be feeling blue because now I have discovered that eating isn't fun anymore and depending on me and my pouch, it may never be again. NOT only is it not fun, but thoughts of what I can eat and can't eat consumes most waking moments! AHHHH! One blog I read today says that even 2 years out, eating isn't fun anymore. Making the food can be fun, but not eating.
To try and keep a proper perspective, there are lots of people who say the enjoy their food even more after surgery. They eat what they love in a slow, controlled way. Mr. Pouchie doesn't allow for gorging. They are more careful with the quality and flavour. Quality definitely wins out over quantity. This is where I want to be. One day...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
wasting time
My older kids just left with daddy to go to Ikea. I have the baby and here I am on the computer just looking for something to fill my time. My blog reading is up to date. I haven't checked the message boards today, but I will probably do that tonight. I'm kind of bored. My house is a disaster, but I don't really want to do that either. Now would be a good time for a hobby.
I find myself not wanting to get into something because before long I will be interrupted. I guess I don't have the concentration skills to go in and come back out again repeatedly while I need to meet everyone's needs. Even my blog writing has already been interrupted by the crying baby. She has a cold, so I won't hold it against her. This time.
Okay. Now she is really crying and needing some attention. So, i guess this is a short post!
I find myself not wanting to get into something because before long I will be interrupted. I guess I don't have the concentration skills to go in and come back out again repeatedly while I need to meet everyone's needs. Even my blog writing has already been interrupted by the crying baby. She has a cold, so I won't hold it against her. This time.
Okay. Now she is really crying and needing some attention. So, i guess this is a short post!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Let them eat CAKE!
Yesterday was my son's birthday. He turned 4. I love watching them get older and "wiser". Alex is coming up with some pretty long words and sentences these days. It is cute watching him try to get all of those syllables out.
The plan was to have the family over for lunch and dessert and open presents. Everyone left by about 4pm or so. Lunch was chili and homemade biscuits with cake and ice cream for dessert.
The last few days, it has been hard to eat at meal time. I take a few bits and then it hurts, so I stop. I'm starting to worry that I will never be able to eat again! When I finally did get to eat yesterday - after feeding everyone else including my baby - my pureed chili wasn't feeling so good. I thought, "here we go again. 2 bites and that will be all I can have." I wasn't hungry. It's more akin to realizing I haven't eaten in a while and I really need to eat something now.
After I got up to do a couple of things, I came back to the chili, and this time, it went down real nice! I finished my 1/2 cup and could have had more. Up until then, I had been eyeing the cake. In the past, I could have eaten 2 or 3 pieces of cake with lots of icing and then eaten another 3 or 4 later that evening once everyone was gone. I knew I had to be careful, because I didn't want to dump in the middle of the party, but I had been eyeing the icing all day!
After my chili, I took a small - about 1 centimetre thick by 3 centimetre wide - edge piece for more icing. I started with the icing, then went to the cake. Eventually, I left about 1/2 of what I took on my plate. Not bad. I didn't feel sick at all. Of course, not feeling sick is both good and bad. Good because I don't feel like I"m going to keel over and die, but bad because now my mind is telling me I can have more. I did. I had a bite here, a lick there. I had more than I should have, but not enough to dump.
I knew it would show on the scale today. And it did. I find it amazing how over the course of a day, I can be moving non stop and only have about 500 caloried, but eat too many carbs and I will gain weight. Yesterday I gained .4 of a pound. It baffles my mind.
Oh well. I figure I'm down about 36 lbs from my highest. That's not too bad. But don't you dare let anyone tell you this is easy. 'Cause IT'S NOT!!
The plan was to have the family over for lunch and dessert and open presents. Everyone left by about 4pm or so. Lunch was chili and homemade biscuits with cake and ice cream for dessert.
The last few days, it has been hard to eat at meal time. I take a few bits and then it hurts, so I stop. I'm starting to worry that I will never be able to eat again! When I finally did get to eat yesterday - after feeding everyone else including my baby - my pureed chili wasn't feeling so good. I thought, "here we go again. 2 bites and that will be all I can have." I wasn't hungry. It's more akin to realizing I haven't eaten in a while and I really need to eat something now.
After I got up to do a couple of things, I came back to the chili, and this time, it went down real nice! I finished my 1/2 cup and could have had more. Up until then, I had been eyeing the cake. In the past, I could have eaten 2 or 3 pieces of cake with lots of icing and then eaten another 3 or 4 later that evening once everyone was gone. I knew I had to be careful, because I didn't want to dump in the middle of the party, but I had been eyeing the icing all day!
After my chili, I took a small - about 1 centimetre thick by 3 centimetre wide - edge piece for more icing. I started with the icing, then went to the cake. Eventually, I left about 1/2 of what I took on my plate. Not bad. I didn't feel sick at all. Of course, not feeling sick is both good and bad. Good because I don't feel like I"m going to keel over and die, but bad because now my mind is telling me I can have more. I did. I had a bite here, a lick there. I had more than I should have, but not enough to dump.
I knew it would show on the scale today. And it did. I find it amazing how over the course of a day, I can be moving non stop and only have about 500 caloried, but eat too many carbs and I will gain weight. Yesterday I gained .4 of a pound. It baffles my mind.
Oh well. I figure I'm down about 36 lbs from my highest. That's not too bad. But don't you dare let anyone tell you this is easy. 'Cause IT'S NOT!!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Attila
Hey folks!
Life has definitely returned to normal around here. After, let's call it "NOVEMBER", it is nice to just have the normal stresses of life such as my mother in law coming for a week, completely retraining my mind and body to think and eat differently, and handle children who had a month off from Attila the Mom. ha ha! I really like that... Attila the Mom!
I am chalking it up to school, buy my daughter's attitude has tanked. Everything is "NO" or an argument or just completely ignoring me. I have recently threatened her with removal from school. I always toyed with home-schooling until a year ago, but it is top of mind these days!
My son would rather watch tv all day instead of go to school. He only chose to go to school when he learned that he wouldn't be allowed to watch tv all day. This guy is only 4! What is going to happen when he is 13?!?!
And today, the baby was really fussy. She is so cute that I am prone to forget about it until she starts crying again. She was in her high chair and started talking. I was on the phone. Eventually the talking turned into high pitched wails which would stop as soon as I would turn around and look at her. She might only be 6 mos, but she is pretty good at getting mommy's attention!
The food thing has been very challenging. I now know that the requested lobotomy was not performed. They only operated on my stomach, not my brain. Being the mom and doting wife, I spend most of my day in the kitchen preparing food for my charges. I try and feed the big kids first and then the baby because she needs me to transport the food from the bowl to her mouth. Then I get my food. Then I clean up a bit (really, only a bit) and by the time I finish my bit, it's time for snack again. The other challenging part is my son asks for a snack every 15 mins or so it seems. My sis in law told me to take away his snack if he pesters me, but I haven't gotten their yet. I may have to soon for some sanity. Anyway, so then it's snack, then lunch times 3, then it's snack again, then snack for my daughter out of school, then it's time to make dinner, then eat dinner then clean up then my night time snack.
So while it has been hard, I seem to have come to peace with my limited selection. I try not to nibble on treats and not lick my fingers with their food. I stick with my protein options. Today I had a really yummy cottage cheese pancake. No, really. It was good. Especially after almost 3 weeks of very uncreative food.
I have caused myself trouble a couple of times. I had my first "dumping" eating something I was allowed to have! I had a protein drink that I blended with some strawberries. But because I drank it quite quickly and had an entire serving, it was too much sugar for my body. I felt awful. I got the kids set up with their stuff and then I laid down and snoozed for an hour. Nauseous, dizzy, racing heart... My plan is to not do that again. The other trouble was eating some chicken. I made some chicken broth and took the chicken out. It was very tender from the slow simmer and I really do like meat, so I ate some. The first couple of bites were good and I tried to chew them lots. But after a few bites, the chicken got hung up. It hurt so much. I was pacing, sipping water to try to flush some out, I went to the bathroom. I felt like I was going to throw up. After about 10 mins, it passed. Whew! It was good chicken, but not that good.
So, what is the name of the animal that doesn't remember very well? Maybe Kristi-Bisti. Not 2 hours later, I ate more chicken. But I did learn something. I didn't eat as much! Ha! Yeah, but I still paced and went to the bathroom and this time I did throw up! I think it was mainly the water I had drunk in order to pass some food through. The chicken was so backed up that the water couldn't even get through. But just in case you have lost your faith in me, I did learn even more because the next night, I blended some chicken salad instead of just eating the big strands. See. I can learn. After a long time. After a lot of pain. But I can learn.
The other thing that is bothering me is the scale. I know it's not great to weigh everyday, but I have decided to do that. I mark it down on the page where I write my food for the day. Can you believe that even eating under 800 calories a day that I gained weight today? I'm still a bit dismayed. I might be down 30lbs, but gaining .5lb can really put a damper on things. I am wondering what will happen in the morning. Oh well. Whatever happens, I will try to remember it from the scale to my book and then write it down. I have actually had to reweigh because I couldn't remember what the number was. I can't even blame it on prego brain!
So, I have to give a shout out to my first commenter: KG. Thanks so much for your comment. It's great knowing that there is someone out there reading my ramblings!
Life has definitely returned to normal around here. After, let's call it "NOVEMBER", it is nice to just have the normal stresses of life such as my mother in law coming for a week, completely retraining my mind and body to think and eat differently, and handle children who had a month off from Attila the Mom. ha ha! I really like that... Attila the Mom!
I am chalking it up to school, buy my daughter's attitude has tanked. Everything is "NO" or an argument or just completely ignoring me. I have recently threatened her with removal from school. I always toyed with home-schooling until a year ago, but it is top of mind these days!
My son would rather watch tv all day instead of go to school. He only chose to go to school when he learned that he wouldn't be allowed to watch tv all day. This guy is only 4! What is going to happen when he is 13?!?!
And today, the baby was really fussy. She is so cute that I am prone to forget about it until she starts crying again. She was in her high chair and started talking. I was on the phone. Eventually the talking turned into high pitched wails which would stop as soon as I would turn around and look at her. She might only be 6 mos, but she is pretty good at getting mommy's attention!
The food thing has been very challenging. I now know that the requested lobotomy was not performed. They only operated on my stomach, not my brain. Being the mom and doting wife, I spend most of my day in the kitchen preparing food for my charges. I try and feed the big kids first and then the baby because she needs me to transport the food from the bowl to her mouth. Then I get my food. Then I clean up a bit (really, only a bit) and by the time I finish my bit, it's time for snack again. The other challenging part is my son asks for a snack every 15 mins or so it seems. My sis in law told me to take away his snack if he pesters me, but I haven't gotten their yet. I may have to soon for some sanity. Anyway, so then it's snack, then lunch times 3, then it's snack again, then snack for my daughter out of school, then it's time to make dinner, then eat dinner then clean up then my night time snack.
So while it has been hard, I seem to have come to peace with my limited selection. I try not to nibble on treats and not lick my fingers with their food. I stick with my protein options. Today I had a really yummy cottage cheese pancake. No, really. It was good. Especially after almost 3 weeks of very uncreative food.
I have caused myself trouble a couple of times. I had my first "dumping" eating something I was allowed to have! I had a protein drink that I blended with some strawberries. But because I drank it quite quickly and had an entire serving, it was too much sugar for my body. I felt awful. I got the kids set up with their stuff and then I laid down and snoozed for an hour. Nauseous, dizzy, racing heart... My plan is to not do that again. The other trouble was eating some chicken. I made some chicken broth and took the chicken out. It was very tender from the slow simmer and I really do like meat, so I ate some. The first couple of bites were good and I tried to chew them lots. But after a few bites, the chicken got hung up. It hurt so much. I was pacing, sipping water to try to flush some out, I went to the bathroom. I felt like I was going to throw up. After about 10 mins, it passed. Whew! It was good chicken, but not that good.
So, what is the name of the animal that doesn't remember very well? Maybe Kristi-Bisti. Not 2 hours later, I ate more chicken. But I did learn something. I didn't eat as much! Ha! Yeah, but I still paced and went to the bathroom and this time I did throw up! I think it was mainly the water I had drunk in order to pass some food through. The chicken was so backed up that the water couldn't even get through. But just in case you have lost your faith in me, I did learn even more because the next night, I blended some chicken salad instead of just eating the big strands. See. I can learn. After a long time. After a lot of pain. But I can learn.
The other thing that is bothering me is the scale. I know it's not great to weigh everyday, but I have decided to do that. I mark it down on the page where I write my food for the day. Can you believe that even eating under 800 calories a day that I gained weight today? I'm still a bit dismayed. I might be down 30lbs, but gaining .5lb can really put a damper on things. I am wondering what will happen in the morning. Oh well. Whatever happens, I will try to remember it from the scale to my book and then write it down. I have actually had to reweigh because I couldn't remember what the number was. I can't even blame it on prego brain!
So, I have to give a shout out to my first commenter: KG. Thanks so much for your comment. It's great knowing that there is someone out there reading my ramblings!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
oh, crap!
Well, there is a lot to catch up on. But to be honest, the main reason I am writing is to try and work out why I just ate an entire can of creamed corn.
The can is 398mLs. I thought my pouch was no where near that big. I am only eating 1/2 cup per meal and now I just ate almost 2 cups without a problem. At the beginning, I was chewing thoroughly, but the corn went down so well that I would only chew once or twice. Right now, I am sick in the head and heart because of what I just did, but I don't feel sick to my stomach.
As you may know, my life has been full of stressful events. God has miraculously carried me through it. My mood has been really good and I haven't felt uptight or pressure on me as I have gone through November. Normally I crack at the smallest increase in stress.
Tonight, as I put the kids to bed after being with them for most of the day, I wasn't upset or angry, just tired and ready for some quiet time to myself. My almost 4 yr old son is constantly talking and asking questions and the constancy of it gets to me at times. So, as Alex proceeded to get up and not stay in bed, and as my daughter kept yelling to me while I was on the phone, I felt my energy draining.
After I knew that Alex would stay in bed for good, I went into the kitchen thinking that it was time to start drinking again. I didn't want any water. I wanted something sweet. Oh, okay. I can have some crystal light water. That would work. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the can of corn. I really like cream corn. It is sweet and smooth and yet it is still technically food, so not as bad for me. As I opened the can, I told myself that it would be my evening snack. It doesn't have much protein, but that would be fine this time.
I didn't dish myself out a portion. I just took the can to the computer and ate. I noticed in the can when I had eaten about 1/2 cup. "Wow. That went fast. I'm already done 1/2 cup!" And then I kept going. When my son called me again, before I went to his room, I took a couple of extra bites for the road. Then i returned and finished the can.
I am not impressed.
So, is my stomach that big now or did the cream squish out fast so I could fit it all in? I just invested so much into this surgery and this is how I am? What is going to happen in the future? I'm already bummed because I haven't lost any weight for 3 or 4 days. I really don't get it. How can I hardly eat, and my body still not give anything up?? I am so ticked about that. Everyone always says, "calories in, calories out" but right now, I don't buy it.
I will need to post more regularly, so I can use this as my journal. I need to work this stuff out before I get to the can of corn. The problem is that I know what I need to do, but don't usually do it. I hate living intentionally.
The can is 398mLs. I thought my pouch was no where near that big. I am only eating 1/2 cup per meal and now I just ate almost 2 cups without a problem. At the beginning, I was chewing thoroughly, but the corn went down so well that I would only chew once or twice. Right now, I am sick in the head and heart because of what I just did, but I don't feel sick to my stomach.
As you may know, my life has been full of stressful events. God has miraculously carried me through it. My mood has been really good and I haven't felt uptight or pressure on me as I have gone through November. Normally I crack at the smallest increase in stress.
Tonight, as I put the kids to bed after being with them for most of the day, I wasn't upset or angry, just tired and ready for some quiet time to myself. My almost 4 yr old son is constantly talking and asking questions and the constancy of it gets to me at times. So, as Alex proceeded to get up and not stay in bed, and as my daughter kept yelling to me while I was on the phone, I felt my energy draining.
After I knew that Alex would stay in bed for good, I went into the kitchen thinking that it was time to start drinking again. I didn't want any water. I wanted something sweet. Oh, okay. I can have some crystal light water. That would work. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the can of corn. I really like cream corn. It is sweet and smooth and yet it is still technically food, so not as bad for me. As I opened the can, I told myself that it would be my evening snack. It doesn't have much protein, but that would be fine this time.
I didn't dish myself out a portion. I just took the can to the computer and ate. I noticed in the can when I had eaten about 1/2 cup. "Wow. That went fast. I'm already done 1/2 cup!" And then I kept going. When my son called me again, before I went to his room, I took a couple of extra bites for the road. Then i returned and finished the can.
I am not impressed.
So, is my stomach that big now or did the cream squish out fast so I could fit it all in? I just invested so much into this surgery and this is how I am? What is going to happen in the future? I'm already bummed because I haven't lost any weight for 3 or 4 days. I really don't get it. How can I hardly eat, and my body still not give anything up?? I am so ticked about that. Everyone always says, "calories in, calories out" but right now, I don't buy it.
I will need to post more regularly, so I can use this as my journal. I need to work this stuff out before I get to the can of corn. The problem is that I know what I need to do, but don't usually do it. I hate living intentionally.
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