Facing the Music

Today I got on the scale. 178.2

Not really surprising (considering my last post) but shocking none the less.

It has been a while since I last weighed myself and even longer since I recorded it. The last number I remember was in the 175. something range. The last time I wrote it down, was mid April and I was 171.8. That puts me up 6 pounds.

I'm trying to think when it was I started going off the rails. It was probably when we were locked out from work - I work for Canada Post and they locked us out for 2 weeks the end of June. When I don't work, I tend to gain weight. Surprise, surprise. I remember putting on my compression garment and thinking it must have shrunk in the wash. It took me a couple of seconds, but then I laughed and realized that it had not shrunk but I had grown. It was funny how my first response was to blame something outside of myself. (In my own defense, I was given a couple of wool sweaters, and they DID shrink in the wash!!)

Since my last post, I have been more mindful of what I have been eating. I am focusing more on protein and making the choices that are healthier. I have some sort of mind block when it comes to writing down what I put in my mouth. It seems like an awful amount of effort. I may need to make that effort if my "mindful eating" doesn't give me the results I am looking for.

Currently I am still unwilling to totally give up junk food. Recognizing that it is an unwillingness rather than an unableness is helpful to me. Like journaling the food, I may come to a point when I am willing to be more restrictive and choose to not eat the sugar and fat. It's important for me to know it's a choice I can make. I am not bound by the food. I am not a slave anymore to my cravings. This is the biggest lesson I have learned since surgery. Before I never felt I could make choices about what I ate. The urges and desires for food were so strong. And my stomach was so big that I would continue to eat well beyond any reason. Now, because I can only eat a small portion of what I used to eat, I must stop. I still push those boundaries. I still eat more than I need and after that voice in my head has told me I should stop. But it's better.

This morning I found myself wondering how I am going to stop this slide into my old eating patterns. How am I going to lose the 10 pounds I want to? I felt some of that desperation seeping back into my soul.

I remembered that I have a tool. And while it feels like it is broken, it will still work if I make the choices I need to. I don't need to be desperately seeking a solution. I have the solution. It is much easier to reverse the trend at 5 pounds than 25 or 125. Yes, there are people who have gained most, if not all of their weight back after having WLS. If I don't want to be one of them, I need to take charge now. If I were to have an accident or injury where I couldn't work, I would be in serious danger of gaining a significant amount of weight. It could be me.

One blog I follow was talking about why she still struggles after 4 years of active weight loss effort. Even though she has done very well and lost 80 lbs, it is still a struggle. I find the same thing. This is a roller coaster ride. Just when we are at the top and think that we will never go back to where we came from, the ride falls to the bottom. We are seemingly back at square one. Then we work our way back to the top only once again to quickly ride all the way down. Weight loss is a cycle. Weight loss is never truly over. Even if we have been successful at maintaining for a long time, we still need to make the choices every day that will keep us in maintenance. When we stop making the choices, we stop maintaining. UGH! Don't you ever just want it to be over? To not have to worry about it again?!?!?

I know I do.

confessions

An email to a friend brought me here tonight. We have been discussing my surgery and she asked what kind of foods I ate. I gave her a list of what I had eaten today. Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

In fact it was on the far side of disgusting.

I'm not sure if I will disclose the list here. I am quite embarrassed to admit the foods I have been putting in my mouth lately. At this point, it is good enough that I have confessed it to one person and that confession has helped open my eyes a bit to the glare of my transgressions.

One of the things I remember from Overeaters Anonymous was that in one of the steps (4 I think) it said to tell another person all of our flaws. It was important to verbalize our defects to a person. Someone who can judge us. Someone who can chastise us. But in actuality, it is someone who can sympathize with us and hug us and tell us there is hope.

I didn't realize that this email would cause so much turmoil inside me. Of course, it wasn't the email, but what I exposed of myself. I didn't hide but revealed one of my major defects. And while I know my food choices aren't what they should be, it wasn't until I wrote them down for someone else to see that they stared me in the face and exposed me as a fraud. liar. hypocrite.

You see, so far, I am a WLS success story. I lost 150 pounds. I have been maintaining a 145 lb loss for months now. But the list of food that I ate today shows me as the compulsive binge overeater that I am. It shows almost no regard for health. It shows a lack of preparation for the day. It shows that I am headed for weight regain.

As I lay in bed, contemplating what I have been doing to my body, I asked myself if I was willing to give up eating this way. Instantly I started making excuses to myself and listing exceptions... I will want to have a treat some days. I can't give up my diet coke! Do I have to give up (insert junk food choice here.)?

So I scaled back. How about just logging. Am I willing to truthfully write down all that I eat? I don't have to give up anything. I just have to write it down. Yes. I think I can do that. It scares me. But I know that food journals are important to win any battle when it comes to food.

"You can't change what you don't acknowledge."

I am only 20 months out from my surgery. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period. It only gets more challenging.

How do I change my mindset to accept the reasonable limits that need to be in place for me to succeed? How do I stop buying and eating so much junk? How do I *want* to eat healthy and find satisfaction eating that way? How do I afford it? How do I find the time to do it? How do I undo 38 years of bad behaviour?

So many questions. Are there any answers?

Hopefully now I can go to sleep anyway. Thanks for listening.