Have you ever woken up and felt smaller? I did this morning. It's something that no one else would ever be able to tell by looking, but my brain knows that things are different.
When I had the thought "I am smaller," I immediately begin to feel around. I squeeze this part and that. Compare my love handles to what I remember them to be. I checked on my arms in the shower - yep, the crease in my skin that came from too much fat under it is smoother. It is a really nice feeling!
I have resisted the urge to get on the scale. I "feel" like it will be lower and I want to find out how much. The problem comes when it isn't lower or not as low as i thought it would be. It plays tricks with my mind! It's best to leave it tucked away in the closet until another day.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
money stuff
Hey folks.
Well I did get a new camera and as soon as I figure out how to do the downloads and uploads, etc. I'll post some pics.
I wanted to write about God's provision. The last year and a bit has been quite challenging for us financially. My husband became self employed (by choice) and our income has dwindled away. It has been hard to adjust the way we live to what we are currently earning. Mentally, the thought of living on less is appealing, but practically it is a challenge. I hate having to second guess all of my purchases. And then feeling guilty when I don't. When I decide I need something - or want it, that's it. Not really a great attitude for living frugally.
So, over the last few months, we have been cutting away at our expenses trying to get them as small as possible. We refinanced our mortgage to save $300/month. I just switched gas and electricity companies - in spite of paying a hefty cancellation fee - to save over $8 a Gj on gas. We don't have a lot of tv channels. I reduced our movie subscription from $25 to $6 a month. I get my clothes at a second hand store. We accept all hand me downs gratefully. With my husband's business we actually bought a massive photocopier to save over $1000/mo. We constantly debate whether we should sell our house and buy a townhouse. Our house is not extravagant: It has only one bathroom! But if we sell it and downsize, we could put $75k against our debts.
As a Christian who believes that God will provide for us what we need, it's been hard to reconcile over the past 6 months or so as we continually dip into our line of credit. I ask, "Are we living with too many wants? Are we not good stewards of what we already have? The last month or so has given me glimpses of how God does provide for us. Just when our property tax was due, I received my tax refund. I didn't even know I was getting a refund because someone else does our taxes. In addition, my work tops up my EI payments for the first 4 months while I am on maternity leave. The first payment from work after 6 weeks arrived 5 days before the city tax bill was due. I was able to pay the property taxes and our bill and pay the entire balance on our credit card. (We only have one with a very small limit.) Praise God! I had been wondering how it was going to happen and just assumed that once more, we would use our LOC. But no, God brought money at the right time. And I just paid the bills for July and we had enough money in our account again! With the 3rd child, our child tax benefit and universal child care money has increased! Again, God providing. My husband just had a cash sale this week after a long drought. It should give him enough to pay the business bills for the month. Once again, a welcome relief.
I am getting better at buying less and using what we have. Things like making a salad because I bought lettuce!
Well I did get a new camera and as soon as I figure out how to do the downloads and uploads, etc. I'll post some pics.
I wanted to write about God's provision. The last year and a bit has been quite challenging for us financially. My husband became self employed (by choice) and our income has dwindled away. It has been hard to adjust the way we live to what we are currently earning. Mentally, the thought of living on less is appealing, but practically it is a challenge. I hate having to second guess all of my purchases. And then feeling guilty when I don't. When I decide I need something - or want it, that's it. Not really a great attitude for living frugally.
So, over the last few months, we have been cutting away at our expenses trying to get them as small as possible. We refinanced our mortgage to save $300/month. I just switched gas and electricity companies - in spite of paying a hefty cancellation fee - to save over $8 a Gj on gas. We don't have a lot of tv channels. I reduced our movie subscription from $25 to $6 a month. I get my clothes at a second hand store. We accept all hand me downs gratefully. With my husband's business we actually bought a massive photocopier to save over $1000/mo. We constantly debate whether we should sell our house and buy a townhouse. Our house is not extravagant: It has only one bathroom! But if we sell it and downsize, we could put $75k against our debts.
As a Christian who believes that God will provide for us what we need, it's been hard to reconcile over the past 6 months or so as we continually dip into our line of credit. I ask, "Are we living with too many wants? Are we not good stewards of what we already have? The last month or so has given me glimpses of how God does provide for us. Just when our property tax was due, I received my tax refund. I didn't even know I was getting a refund because someone else does our taxes. In addition, my work tops up my EI payments for the first 4 months while I am on maternity leave. The first payment from work after 6 weeks arrived 5 days before the city tax bill was due. I was able to pay the property taxes and our bill and pay the entire balance on our credit card. (We only have one with a very small limit.) Praise God! I had been wondering how it was going to happen and just assumed that once more, we would use our LOC. But no, God brought money at the right time. And I just paid the bills for July and we had enough money in our account again! With the 3rd child, our child tax benefit and universal child care money has increased! Again, God providing. My husband just had a cash sale this week after a long drought. It should give him enough to pay the business bills for the month. Once again, a welcome relief.
I am getting better at buying less and using what we have. Things like making a salad because I bought lettuce!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Hiking in the city!
Thought I would check in for today. Blogging is kind of like a new toy where I want to play with it all the time. I'm sure my posts will become less frequent with time!
Today was good. It's always nice to have a good day following a pretty nasty one.
We went to church, cleaned the house, had lunch and then went on a nice hike in the city. I picked up Lori Beattie's book "Calgary's Best Hikes and Walks" http://fitfrog.ca/calgary_hiking_guidebook.htm
Hike #1 was the Twelve Mile Coulee. It is right by my parent's place, so we parked there and started our hike. It was great! Deep into the coulee, I looked up and saw nothing but blue sky and the sides of the gorge. My 3.5 year old son had to wade through grass that was taller than he was! My daughter led the way and I figure, all tolled, we went about 4 kms round trip. The kids are great to hike with. Anada, my 5 year old keeps us going at a good pace and loves to be the first one. Alex wants to be the first one on the path, but he isn't quick enough and so we dawdle at the back. Today my husband was with us and carried Karissa in the Bjorn and kept up with Anada. We were back in less than 2 hours. Just right for us right now.
I have just been hit with the hiking bug. We were in the mountains this past week and did 2 hikes. I love being out in nature and so did the kids. They have so much energy and it was amazing to watch them deal with the obstacles of tree roots, rocks and steep paths. I am really wanting this to become a family activity that we do regularly. It's a great way to get out together and to incorporate both easy and challenging exercise at the same time.
So, I've been thinking that I should get a camera to take pictures of all these hikes and places we go and then post them here. So, I'll get a camera this week. I think we'll use our Costco rebate to pay for it!
ttys
kb
Today was good. It's always nice to have a good day following a pretty nasty one.
We went to church, cleaned the house, had lunch and then went on a nice hike in the city. I picked up Lori Beattie's book "Calgary's Best Hikes and Walks" http://fitfrog.ca/calgary_hiking_guidebook.htm
Hike #1 was the Twelve Mile Coulee. It is right by my parent's place, so we parked there and started our hike. It was great! Deep into the coulee, I looked up and saw nothing but blue sky and the sides of the gorge. My 3.5 year old son had to wade through grass that was taller than he was! My daughter led the way and I figure, all tolled, we went about 4 kms round trip. The kids are great to hike with. Anada, my 5 year old keeps us going at a good pace and loves to be the first one. Alex wants to be the first one on the path, but he isn't quick enough and so we dawdle at the back. Today my husband was with us and carried Karissa in the Bjorn and kept up with Anada. We were back in less than 2 hours. Just right for us right now.
I have just been hit with the hiking bug. We were in the mountains this past week and did 2 hikes. I love being out in nature and so did the kids. They have so much energy and it was amazing to watch them deal with the obstacles of tree roots, rocks and steep paths. I am really wanting this to become a family activity that we do regularly. It's a great way to get out together and to incorporate both easy and challenging exercise at the same time.
So, I've been thinking that I should get a camera to take pictures of all these hikes and places we go and then post them here. So, I'll get a camera this week. I think we'll use our Costco rebate to pay for it!
ttys
kb
Saturday, July 18, 2009
We'll start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start.
So, in my first post I welcomed you. What I couldn't say was that I hope you would be entertained. I like to be witty, but the topics I intend to discuss aren't typically funny. And I'm not that creative. Tonight, I'm discussing my fatness. Lucky you!
I became fat when I was 4. Kids would tease me and I never felt accepted. I look back and it seemed like I had a lot of friends, but to me they always felt vicarious. I remember asking a girl in my class if she would be my friend. I really felt alone. I was one of those desperate people and went to great lengths to try to make friends. In the dead of winter, in Saskatoon, I would walk from my house, past the school to a girl's house just to walk with her on her way to school.
I never felt accepted in my family either. My dad was fat and my mom was a serial Weight Watcher joiner. She never seemed to get where she wanted to go. For a long time I avoided anything WW because of it. Although, I seem to have gotten over it because I joined WW online last month and I quite enjoy it. Anyway, my dad would always tell me that I should lose some weight and that I should not eat whatever I was eating. Of course it was his empty wrappers that I saw and made me feel left out. My mom sent me to a nutritionist when I was 11. That's all fine and dandy, but what 11 year old is entirely responsible for the food they eat?!?!? I was not cooking my own meals! I definitely learned that this was my problem and no one was going to help me with it.
I was severely allergic as a kid, so I spent a lot of time at doctor's offices. At 10 years old, a doctor told me not to gain any weight until I was 13. Instead, I more than doubled and went from 85 to 180 with the last 30 lbs put on in one summer when I moved across the country. Can you say "Stress Eater"? High School I got up to 220, and hated every pound of it. During my 7 years of university I got up to 275. Even when I didn't have any money to buy food, I still didn't really lose any weight.
During all this time, I never dieted. I would have moments when I would try to stop myself from eating so much. Literally moments. I would forget as soon as something interesting was in front of me. I would have times where I would be active. But after I would miss one session in my plan, I usually gave up. Something inside of me told me to stay away from "Lose 10 lbs in your first month!"
I Hovered around that 275 mark until my husband and I did a diet together in 2002. I lost almost 50 lbs and felt amazing! A co-worker asked if I had a sister because he didn't recognize me. I was still 228lbs, but that didn't matter. I was maintaining the weight loss.
I got pregnant. The sad part about it is that I used the pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted. I gained over 80lbs in less than 9 months. After 3 pregnancies, I think my body does tend to gain more, but I also lose a good portion of it very quickly. 2 weeks after my first, I was down to 250. I never got back to 228. The lowest I got to was 245 when I got pregnant again. 4 years later, I didn't gain as much with my 3rd but I started out at 290. I got to 313. Again, 2 weeks later I was back down to 298.
More and more, my size is becoming an issue. I don't fit into many places that I have always fit. At restaurants, I want to sit in a chair instead of a booth. My dining room chairs dig into my thighs and leave marks. I can't drive my husband's truck because my belly is too big for my feet to reach the pedals. I'm at the top of the sizes in the plus size stores.
What I have recently come to realize is that whether for good or bad, weight, food and body image will always be in the forefront of my mind. Everything I do or don't do will be catalogued by my brain and stored to either encourage me or depress me. My past behaviour has been to give up as soon as I make a bad choice saying "I already blew it. I might as well keep going." and eat the entire package or stop exercising all together. Well, I hope that from now on, I will pick myself up and actually keep going in the right direction.
Last month I joined Weight Watchers. This is officially my 2nd time. The first was 2 years ago and I never really followed the program, but went because a friend invited me. I quit after 5 weeks. This time, 5 weeks have not even passed yet. I joined on June 23, 2009. Yet this is different. I have fallen off the wagon. I have fallen hard. But, today I got back on. I tracked my food and didn't even lie. I am keeping myself accountable. That's a first. I try to remind myself that I could be making worse choices and going even higher on the scale. And so the accountability and the frustrating bouncing of the scale is my current situation. For now, this is what progress looks like.
I became fat when I was 4. Kids would tease me and I never felt accepted. I look back and it seemed like I had a lot of friends, but to me they always felt vicarious. I remember asking a girl in my class if she would be my friend. I really felt alone. I was one of those desperate people and went to great lengths to try to make friends. In the dead of winter, in Saskatoon, I would walk from my house, past the school to a girl's house just to walk with her on her way to school.
I never felt accepted in my family either. My dad was fat and my mom was a serial Weight Watcher joiner. She never seemed to get where she wanted to go. For a long time I avoided anything WW because of it. Although, I seem to have gotten over it because I joined WW online last month and I quite enjoy it. Anyway, my dad would always tell me that I should lose some weight and that I should not eat whatever I was eating. Of course it was his empty wrappers that I saw and made me feel left out. My mom sent me to a nutritionist when I was 11. That's all fine and dandy, but what 11 year old is entirely responsible for the food they eat?!?!? I was not cooking my own meals! I definitely learned that this was my problem and no one was going to help me with it.
I was severely allergic as a kid, so I spent a lot of time at doctor's offices. At 10 years old, a doctor told me not to gain any weight until I was 13. Instead, I more than doubled and went from 85 to 180 with the last 30 lbs put on in one summer when I moved across the country. Can you say "Stress Eater"? High School I got up to 220, and hated every pound of it. During my 7 years of university I got up to 275. Even when I didn't have any money to buy food, I still didn't really lose any weight.
During all this time, I never dieted. I would have moments when I would try to stop myself from eating so much. Literally moments. I would forget as soon as something interesting was in front of me. I would have times where I would be active. But after I would miss one session in my plan, I usually gave up. Something inside of me told me to stay away from "Lose 10 lbs in your first month!"
I Hovered around that 275 mark until my husband and I did a diet together in 2002. I lost almost 50 lbs and felt amazing! A co-worker asked if I had a sister because he didn't recognize me. I was still 228lbs, but that didn't matter. I was maintaining the weight loss.
I got pregnant. The sad part about it is that I used the pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted. I gained over 80lbs in less than 9 months. After 3 pregnancies, I think my body does tend to gain more, but I also lose a good portion of it very quickly. 2 weeks after my first, I was down to 250. I never got back to 228. The lowest I got to was 245 when I got pregnant again. 4 years later, I didn't gain as much with my 3rd but I started out at 290. I got to 313. Again, 2 weeks later I was back down to 298.
More and more, my size is becoming an issue. I don't fit into many places that I have always fit. At restaurants, I want to sit in a chair instead of a booth. My dining room chairs dig into my thighs and leave marks. I can't drive my husband's truck because my belly is too big for my feet to reach the pedals. I'm at the top of the sizes in the plus size stores.
What I have recently come to realize is that whether for good or bad, weight, food and body image will always be in the forefront of my mind. Everything I do or don't do will be catalogued by my brain and stored to either encourage me or depress me. My past behaviour has been to give up as soon as I make a bad choice saying "I already blew it. I might as well keep going." and eat the entire package or stop exercising all together. Well, I hope that from now on, I will pick myself up and actually keep going in the right direction.
Last month I joined Weight Watchers. This is officially my 2nd time. The first was 2 years ago and I never really followed the program, but went because a friend invited me. I quit after 5 weeks. This time, 5 weeks have not even passed yet. I joined on June 23, 2009. Yet this is different. I have fallen off the wagon. I have fallen hard. But, today I got back on. I tracked my food and didn't even lie. I am keeping myself accountable. That's a first. I try to remind myself that I could be making worse choices and going even higher on the scale. And so the accountability and the frustrating bouncing of the scale is my current situation. For now, this is what progress looks like.
Here we go!
And so we begin.
I was going to start an electronic journal with Word and keep it on my computer. No one could read it. No one would be able to see all of my neuroses all laid bare. It would be just me and my computer.
Then I read a few blogs and thought my natterings might be well suited for a blog. If only to help me with my grammar and completing my thoughts in written form. So, if you happen to find my itsy-bitsy journal, welcome. It would be great for you to send a quick note to let me know you stopped by.
I am very unsettled today. (hence the beginning of the e-journal!) I woke up feeling not right. My husband, Norm, wanted to play. I was not in the mood. He told me I was hot. I replied he was out of his mind! When the truth is closer to the idea that I am out of mine.
The blueness has overtaken me bit by bit for the last couple of weeks. I didn't really notice until today. Long periods of time in my life have been clouded by blackness. So blue is familiar. Unwelcome, but familiar. I worry that this is the "real thing." The deep and dark secret that I am depressed.
I had my 3rd baby 2 months ago today. Postpartum depression is a hot topic. With my history of depression, everyone was hypervigilant in being on the watch this time. It was warranted because I started out very high on what I call my "stress ladder". There are only so many rungs before I fall off the top. The last 4 or 5 months I have only been one or two rungs from the top. Evidenced by blowing my top at every little inconsequential thing. I'd say I have moved down a rung since I started councelling.
Well, this has been all day. Must sign off for now.
kb
W
I was going to start an electronic journal with Word and keep it on my computer. No one could read it. No one would be able to see all of my neuroses all laid bare. It would be just me and my computer.
Then I read a few blogs and thought my natterings might be well suited for a blog. If only to help me with my grammar and completing my thoughts in written form. So, if you happen to find my itsy-bitsy journal, welcome. It would be great for you to send a quick note to let me know you stopped by.
I am very unsettled today. (hence the beginning of the e-journal!) I woke up feeling not right. My husband, Norm, wanted to play. I was not in the mood. He told me I was hot. I replied he was out of his mind! When the truth is closer to the idea that I am out of mine.
The blueness has overtaken me bit by bit for the last couple of weeks. I didn't really notice until today. Long periods of time in my life have been clouded by blackness. So blue is familiar. Unwelcome, but familiar. I worry that this is the "real thing." The deep and dark secret that I am depressed.
I had my 3rd baby 2 months ago today. Postpartum depression is a hot topic. With my history of depression, everyone was hypervigilant in being on the watch this time. It was warranted because I started out very high on what I call my "stress ladder". There are only so many rungs before I fall off the top. The last 4 or 5 months I have only been one or two rungs from the top. Evidenced by blowing my top at every little inconsequential thing. I'd say I have moved down a rung since I started councelling.
Well, this has been all day. Must sign off for now.
kb
W
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