My "loyal follower" left me a comment wondering about what I meant about Christians taking anti-depressants. Here, I'm just trying to clarify in my own mind why I think there could be a problem for Christians taking antidepressants. Here are some of my thoughts.
All I can come up with is that depression seems different to me than a broken leg. I have no problem taking Tylenol for a headache or if I did have a broken bone getting it set and taking pain medicine. When it comes to my mental health, that seems to be much more closely associated with spiritual health than physical health. If I truly depended on God and trusted Him with my entire life, then I would be mentally clear and refreshed and not depressed. And because I never feel like I have the type of relationship with God that I think I should have, I think that being closer will solve all my problems, which is what I have been taught: "Just trust Jesus with whatever you are going through."
Also, because it is inside my head, I'm never quite sure if it is a spiritual attack or a true medical condition. I know both can be true. How do I know in my case?!?!? I have these DVDs by Dr. Grant Mullen on depression. Maybe I need to go back to them and evaluate my own situation. He is a medical doctor, who is a Christian and exclusively deals with depression. He also believes in miraculous healing. It is really interesting because he has been given the gift of discernment to know which cases are spiritual oppression and which are medical. He claims to have heard demons speaking out of people and has also prayed for people to be release from this. Some of you may think he sounds like a nut job, but I have found him to be very balanced in his presentation of depression. He knows and understands the medical side and prescribes medication when appropriate, but he also incorporates his understanding of God into his practice. When my impression is that a lot of professionals (medical and otherwise) leave their faith at the door, he uses it daily to help him help others. Yes, I will have to check out the dvds again.
This has been good for me. I now know what I think. I think that if I am indeed depressed, then I need to go on the medication. I will also seek prayer and maybe even ask for healing. (That is hard for me. I believe that God can and does heal people. I'm afraid to ask, because what if he doesn't heal me? This is another question for another post, though.) This way I am not leaving God out of the equation and allowing him to use whatever means He chooses of getting me through this.
Now, off to Dr. Mullen's site to do his questionnaire!
http://www.drgrantmullen.com/the_pathway_selftests/index.html
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Medication it is!
The last couple of weeks I have been depressed, but functional. I'd call it Blue.
Depression is nothing new to me. I've been on medication on and off for almost 20 years. This time, though, it's a bit different. I'm still able to do my tasks even if it is more difficult to get out of bed whereas previous times, I was almost completely unfunctional. a couple of years ago, I ended up taking over a month off of work. It's also different because I have had to give my only coping mechanism - overeating. I believe this is where this episode is coming from.
Online, there are lots of people who have had surgery who are on antidepressants and some of their surgeons make it a habit to prescribe to everyone. I'm a little reluctant to start again. I don't like taking medicine. But after talking with my psychologist, and my doctor and others on my favourite message board, I think I will start. Today, my mood is as sombre as ever. Even my husband has asked if he offended me because of how I was acting. Just quiet and non committal and perfunctory.
I haven't really even prayed about it. But I have thought about the question of Christians taking antidepressants. Of course, I'm not against it, but it just seems somehow that I should be trusting God to renew my mind and letting the Holy Spirit heal me. Hmm. (of course not having the concentration to pray is one of the symptoms of depression.)
ttys
kb
The last couple of weeks I have been depressed, but functional. I'd call it Blue.
Depression is nothing new to me. I've been on medication on and off for almost 20 years. This time, though, it's a bit different. I'm still able to do my tasks even if it is more difficult to get out of bed whereas previous times, I was almost completely unfunctional. a couple of years ago, I ended up taking over a month off of work. It's also different because I have had to give my only coping mechanism - overeating. I believe this is where this episode is coming from.
Online, there are lots of people who have had surgery who are on antidepressants and some of their surgeons make it a habit to prescribe to everyone. I'm a little reluctant to start again. I don't like taking medicine. But after talking with my psychologist, and my doctor and others on my favourite message board, I think I will start. Today, my mood is as sombre as ever. Even my husband has asked if he offended me because of how I was acting. Just quiet and non committal and perfunctory.
I haven't really even prayed about it. But I have thought about the question of Christians taking antidepressants. Of course, I'm not against it, but it just seems somehow that I should be trusting God to renew my mind and letting the Holy Spirit heal me. Hmm. (of course not having the concentration to pray is one of the symptoms of depression.)
ttys
kb
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
hypocrisy
So, Christmas is over for another year. I have survived! They day went really well. We had brunch with the family, opened gifts, went tobogganing, had appies, had dinner and opened more gifts! Then we played Rummoli. I now have rummoli on the brain.
The food was okay. I had 1.5 pieces of bacon for breakfast, which didn't seem to go down very well. I thought I would be sick, but eventually they passed. Then the appetizers (which I made) also got stuck. This time I had to bow out of the party for about an hour or so. The pretzel chips (all 4 bites) wouldn't go any further, so up they came. I must say that when something is stuck, it feels so much better after an upchuck. It's not like before... It's just a small amount that comes up with one hurl and then it's over. Very quick and easy. The hard part is that for me, it seems to take an hour of extreme discomfort to get to the quick and easy part.
As an extended family, we are trying to re-define what Christmas looks like. Right now, it all seems so excessive; excessive food, excessive gifts and excessive time spent with all the same people. On the agenda to change for next year, are the way we exchange gifts. The older crowd is hard to convince, but each year I get older, it is harder and harder to justify the mound of gifts. Don't get me wrong, I love a great gift, but it seems so wrong to spend the thousands of dollars on things we either don't need or want. I can agree that for the kids, it might be different. But for the adults, let's just stop for a moment and think. Let's re-think. What if we didn't buy anyone anything for one year? What if our gift was a donation? What if our gift was time? What if we gave to people who truly have needs?
It is hard to change. But I think it is worthwhile. At least that's what I"m trying to convince myself of anyway.
The food was okay. I had 1.5 pieces of bacon for breakfast, which didn't seem to go down very well. I thought I would be sick, but eventually they passed. Then the appetizers (which I made) also got stuck. This time I had to bow out of the party for about an hour or so. The pretzel chips (all 4 bites) wouldn't go any further, so up they came. I must say that when something is stuck, it feels so much better after an upchuck. It's not like before... It's just a small amount that comes up with one hurl and then it's over. Very quick and easy. The hard part is that for me, it seems to take an hour of extreme discomfort to get to the quick and easy part.
As an extended family, we are trying to re-define what Christmas looks like. Right now, it all seems so excessive; excessive food, excessive gifts and excessive time spent with all the same people. On the agenda to change for next year, are the way we exchange gifts. The older crowd is hard to convince, but each year I get older, it is harder and harder to justify the mound of gifts. Don't get me wrong, I love a great gift, but it seems so wrong to spend the thousands of dollars on things we either don't need or want. I can agree that for the kids, it might be different. But for the adults, let's just stop for a moment and think. Let's re-think. What if we didn't buy anyone anything for one year? What if our gift was a donation? What if our gift was time? What if we gave to people who truly have needs?
It is hard to change. But I think it is worthwhile. At least that's what I"m trying to convince myself of anyway.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Memories, all alone in the moonlight
We finally put the tree up today. It's actually kind of nice to have it up. It's nothing special - just a 4 foot artificial tree with lights and some ornaments. But, it works for us. If the presents don't fit around it, then we have too many presents.
Actually, I am hoping our family will opt out of presents for next year. Maybe not the kids, but at least for the adults in the extended family. Nobody is lacking for what we need. Nobody needs to waste their money buying things nobody wants. Maybe drawing names or even having a generic gift pile and make a game out of it - you know - the first person opens a gift, the 2nd person can steal that gift or unwrap a new one. The 3rd can then steal or choose a new one. I think that could be fun.
ummm. what else. I know there was something else. If only my brain would engage.
The baby is not very happy being put down for a nap. We tried earlier and failed. This time, I hope to win. They are very crafty at getting their own way.
oh yeah. One of the reasons we put up the tree today (other than it's less than a week away) is what my mother said to me on the phone. We were chatting about how I wasn't ready for Christmas and how she is glad she doesn't have the pressure of having Christmas brunch at her place this year. She also has no decorations up. So she said, "Kristen, you're making memories for your kids!! You need to do what you need to do!"
That kind of thing holds no power over me (well, okay maybe a very, itsy-bitsy bit!) It just sounds full of guilt and shame and pressure to make things a certain way when there is no need for anything that certain. Having a stressed out mother also makes memories and not the kind that go along with a nice holiday.
I've just been thinking about what I remember about our Christmases. The only things I remember revolve around presents and food. We opened our presents Christmas morning and then ate the rest of the day. Even as a child, I was fat and food obsessed. Christmas was perfect for getting lots of sugar all day long.
Hear that? That's the sound of a sleeping baby!
So, what are the memories we are going to create for our kids? As a child, I always wanted to open one gift on Christmas eve. I think I would like to do that. Anada just asked if we could. I wonder about the same gift each year - the traditional new set of pj's for Christmas or something like that. "When I was growing up, my parents always got me a ________ for Christmas. You know, I think I've received one of those every year since I was a kid! It always reminds me of Christmas." Hmmmm. Something to ponder.
As I get smaller, hopefully we will also be more active and have something physical be a yearly tradition too. Maybe my feet will actually get small enough to fit into ice skates!?!?!?
As I get older and I learn to trust God more and love Him more, it's also important to set up the faith traditions. My mom started reading the Christmas story when we were teenagers before we would open the presents. It's a start. It's hard to have any meaningful conversation because my family doesn't share our feelings with each other. Especially me. I would really like to begin open discussions with my husband and kids while they are young. I think it will make it less awkward.
Hear that? She's not sleeping anymore.
Actually, I am hoping our family will opt out of presents for next year. Maybe not the kids, but at least for the adults in the extended family. Nobody is lacking for what we need. Nobody needs to waste their money buying things nobody wants. Maybe drawing names or even having a generic gift pile and make a game out of it - you know - the first person opens a gift, the 2nd person can steal that gift or unwrap a new one. The 3rd can then steal or choose a new one. I think that could be fun.
ummm. what else. I know there was something else. If only my brain would engage.
The baby is not very happy being put down for a nap. We tried earlier and failed. This time, I hope to win. They are very crafty at getting their own way.
oh yeah. One of the reasons we put up the tree today (other than it's less than a week away) is what my mother said to me on the phone. We were chatting about how I wasn't ready for Christmas and how she is glad she doesn't have the pressure of having Christmas brunch at her place this year. She also has no decorations up. So she said, "Kristen, you're making memories for your kids!! You need to do what you need to do!"
That kind of thing holds no power over me (well, okay maybe a very, itsy-bitsy bit!) It just sounds full of guilt and shame and pressure to make things a certain way when there is no need for anything that certain. Having a stressed out mother also makes memories and not the kind that go along with a nice holiday.
I've just been thinking about what I remember about our Christmases. The only things I remember revolve around presents and food. We opened our presents Christmas morning and then ate the rest of the day. Even as a child, I was fat and food obsessed. Christmas was perfect for getting lots of sugar all day long.
Hear that? That's the sound of a sleeping baby!
So, what are the memories we are going to create for our kids? As a child, I always wanted to open one gift on Christmas eve. I think I would like to do that. Anada just asked if we could. I wonder about the same gift each year - the traditional new set of pj's for Christmas or something like that. "When I was growing up, my parents always got me a ________ for Christmas. You know, I think I've received one of those every year since I was a kid! It always reminds me of Christmas." Hmmmm. Something to ponder.
As I get smaller, hopefully we will also be more active and have something physical be a yearly tradition too. Maybe my feet will actually get small enough to fit into ice skates!?!?!?
As I get older and I learn to trust God more and love Him more, it's also important to set up the faith traditions. My mom started reading the Christmas story when we were teenagers before we would open the presents. It's a start. It's hard to have any meaningful conversation because my family doesn't share our feelings with each other. Especially me. I would really like to begin open discussions with my husband and kids while they are young. I think it will make it less awkward.
Hear that? She's not sleeping anymore.
Friday, December 18, 2009
We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.
Today, I tried to eat a lightly fried egg. I didn't cook it very long. The whites were still white. No crispy parts or anything! I ate some. It was okay. But man, Then it hurt! I was sitting there thinking, Can I not just eat an egg without it feeling like my insides are being ripped apart?!?!? Even eating the yolk, which is my favourite part, didn't do much for me. I haven't quite learned the chewing part even though I am chewing way more than I ever did.
I read that it does get better. Hopefully. For me. Not just for other people.
I read that it does get better. Hopefully. For me. Not just for other people.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
sorry, not tonight dear.
The honeymoon is over. I'm not sure it ever really begun.
I've been starting to feel blue lately. Not much emotion other than BLAH! It feels like I haven't smiled in days and I am wading through my life like wading through a knee high snow drift.
It could have something to do with the conversation I had with my mom. She has stopped talking to my aunt because my aunt offended her by calling her "high maintenance" because of all of the stories she tells (really, they are incessant.) My mom didn't take kindly to that and for almost 3 months has not made any effort to connect with my aunt. I also put my foot in it when my mom asked me if I thought she was high maintenance. That was a hard one to answer.
The truth is YES! Very!
My mom doesn't handle the truth about herself very well. So, I Tried to speak kindly and graciously. Let's just say, it's not my strong point. Now I can't tell if she is mad at me too. (((BIG SIGH))) It always seems to go this way. This time, though, I wouldn't let her off the phone until we talked some more. Previously, after I had said something that hurt her, a few days later I would get a call from my dad saying how hurt mom was. It's like walking on eggshells. I think I am learning to appreciate her more, but then something like this happens and I feel lost as sea again.
I could also be feeling blue because now I have discovered that eating isn't fun anymore and depending on me and my pouch, it may never be again. NOT only is it not fun, but thoughts of what I can eat and can't eat consumes most waking moments! AHHHH! One blog I read today says that even 2 years out, eating isn't fun anymore. Making the food can be fun, but not eating.
To try and keep a proper perspective, there are lots of people who say the enjoy their food even more after surgery. They eat what they love in a slow, controlled way. Mr. Pouchie doesn't allow for gorging. They are more careful with the quality and flavour. Quality definitely wins out over quantity. This is where I want to be. One day...
I've been starting to feel blue lately. Not much emotion other than BLAH! It feels like I haven't smiled in days and I am wading through my life like wading through a knee high snow drift.
It could have something to do with the conversation I had with my mom. She has stopped talking to my aunt because my aunt offended her by calling her "high maintenance" because of all of the stories she tells (really, they are incessant.) My mom didn't take kindly to that and for almost 3 months has not made any effort to connect with my aunt. I also put my foot in it when my mom asked me if I thought she was high maintenance. That was a hard one to answer.
The truth is YES! Very!
My mom doesn't handle the truth about herself very well. So, I Tried to speak kindly and graciously. Let's just say, it's not my strong point. Now I can't tell if she is mad at me too. (((BIG SIGH))) It always seems to go this way. This time, though, I wouldn't let her off the phone until we talked some more. Previously, after I had said something that hurt her, a few days later I would get a call from my dad saying how hurt mom was. It's like walking on eggshells. I think I am learning to appreciate her more, but then something like this happens and I feel lost as sea again.
I could also be feeling blue because now I have discovered that eating isn't fun anymore and depending on me and my pouch, it may never be again. NOT only is it not fun, but thoughts of what I can eat and can't eat consumes most waking moments! AHHHH! One blog I read today says that even 2 years out, eating isn't fun anymore. Making the food can be fun, but not eating.
To try and keep a proper perspective, there are lots of people who say the enjoy their food even more after surgery. They eat what they love in a slow, controlled way. Mr. Pouchie doesn't allow for gorging. They are more careful with the quality and flavour. Quality definitely wins out over quantity. This is where I want to be. One day...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
wasting time
My older kids just left with daddy to go to Ikea. I have the baby and here I am on the computer just looking for something to fill my time. My blog reading is up to date. I haven't checked the message boards today, but I will probably do that tonight. I'm kind of bored. My house is a disaster, but I don't really want to do that either. Now would be a good time for a hobby.
I find myself not wanting to get into something because before long I will be interrupted. I guess I don't have the concentration skills to go in and come back out again repeatedly while I need to meet everyone's needs. Even my blog writing has already been interrupted by the crying baby. She has a cold, so I won't hold it against her. This time.
Okay. Now she is really crying and needing some attention. So, i guess this is a short post!
I find myself not wanting to get into something because before long I will be interrupted. I guess I don't have the concentration skills to go in and come back out again repeatedly while I need to meet everyone's needs. Even my blog writing has already been interrupted by the crying baby. She has a cold, so I won't hold it against her. This time.
Okay. Now she is really crying and needing some attention. So, i guess this is a short post!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Let them eat CAKE!
Yesterday was my son's birthday. He turned 4. I love watching them get older and "wiser". Alex is coming up with some pretty long words and sentences these days. It is cute watching him try to get all of those syllables out.
The plan was to have the family over for lunch and dessert and open presents. Everyone left by about 4pm or so. Lunch was chili and homemade biscuits with cake and ice cream for dessert.
The last few days, it has been hard to eat at meal time. I take a few bits and then it hurts, so I stop. I'm starting to worry that I will never be able to eat again! When I finally did get to eat yesterday - after feeding everyone else including my baby - my pureed chili wasn't feeling so good. I thought, "here we go again. 2 bites and that will be all I can have." I wasn't hungry. It's more akin to realizing I haven't eaten in a while and I really need to eat something now.
After I got up to do a couple of things, I came back to the chili, and this time, it went down real nice! I finished my 1/2 cup and could have had more. Up until then, I had been eyeing the cake. In the past, I could have eaten 2 or 3 pieces of cake with lots of icing and then eaten another 3 or 4 later that evening once everyone was gone. I knew I had to be careful, because I didn't want to dump in the middle of the party, but I had been eyeing the icing all day!
After my chili, I took a small - about 1 centimetre thick by 3 centimetre wide - edge piece for more icing. I started with the icing, then went to the cake. Eventually, I left about 1/2 of what I took on my plate. Not bad. I didn't feel sick at all. Of course, not feeling sick is both good and bad. Good because I don't feel like I"m going to keel over and die, but bad because now my mind is telling me I can have more. I did. I had a bite here, a lick there. I had more than I should have, but not enough to dump.
I knew it would show on the scale today. And it did. I find it amazing how over the course of a day, I can be moving non stop and only have about 500 caloried, but eat too many carbs and I will gain weight. Yesterday I gained .4 of a pound. It baffles my mind.
Oh well. I figure I'm down about 36 lbs from my highest. That's not too bad. But don't you dare let anyone tell you this is easy. 'Cause IT'S NOT!!
The plan was to have the family over for lunch and dessert and open presents. Everyone left by about 4pm or so. Lunch was chili and homemade biscuits with cake and ice cream for dessert.
The last few days, it has been hard to eat at meal time. I take a few bits and then it hurts, so I stop. I'm starting to worry that I will never be able to eat again! When I finally did get to eat yesterday - after feeding everyone else including my baby - my pureed chili wasn't feeling so good. I thought, "here we go again. 2 bites and that will be all I can have." I wasn't hungry. It's more akin to realizing I haven't eaten in a while and I really need to eat something now.
After I got up to do a couple of things, I came back to the chili, and this time, it went down real nice! I finished my 1/2 cup and could have had more. Up until then, I had been eyeing the cake. In the past, I could have eaten 2 or 3 pieces of cake with lots of icing and then eaten another 3 or 4 later that evening once everyone was gone. I knew I had to be careful, because I didn't want to dump in the middle of the party, but I had been eyeing the icing all day!
After my chili, I took a small - about 1 centimetre thick by 3 centimetre wide - edge piece for more icing. I started with the icing, then went to the cake. Eventually, I left about 1/2 of what I took on my plate. Not bad. I didn't feel sick at all. Of course, not feeling sick is both good and bad. Good because I don't feel like I"m going to keel over and die, but bad because now my mind is telling me I can have more. I did. I had a bite here, a lick there. I had more than I should have, but not enough to dump.
I knew it would show on the scale today. And it did. I find it amazing how over the course of a day, I can be moving non stop and only have about 500 caloried, but eat too many carbs and I will gain weight. Yesterday I gained .4 of a pound. It baffles my mind.
Oh well. I figure I'm down about 36 lbs from my highest. That's not too bad. But don't you dare let anyone tell you this is easy. 'Cause IT'S NOT!!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Attila
Hey folks!
Life has definitely returned to normal around here. After, let's call it "NOVEMBER", it is nice to just have the normal stresses of life such as my mother in law coming for a week, completely retraining my mind and body to think and eat differently, and handle children who had a month off from Attila the Mom. ha ha! I really like that... Attila the Mom!
I am chalking it up to school, buy my daughter's attitude has tanked. Everything is "NO" or an argument or just completely ignoring me. I have recently threatened her with removal from school. I always toyed with home-schooling until a year ago, but it is top of mind these days!
My son would rather watch tv all day instead of go to school. He only chose to go to school when he learned that he wouldn't be allowed to watch tv all day. This guy is only 4! What is going to happen when he is 13?!?!
And today, the baby was really fussy. She is so cute that I am prone to forget about it until she starts crying again. She was in her high chair and started talking. I was on the phone. Eventually the talking turned into high pitched wails which would stop as soon as I would turn around and look at her. She might only be 6 mos, but she is pretty good at getting mommy's attention!
The food thing has been very challenging. I now know that the requested lobotomy was not performed. They only operated on my stomach, not my brain. Being the mom and doting wife, I spend most of my day in the kitchen preparing food for my charges. I try and feed the big kids first and then the baby because she needs me to transport the food from the bowl to her mouth. Then I get my food. Then I clean up a bit (really, only a bit) and by the time I finish my bit, it's time for snack again. The other challenging part is my son asks for a snack every 15 mins or so it seems. My sis in law told me to take away his snack if he pesters me, but I haven't gotten their yet. I may have to soon for some sanity. Anyway, so then it's snack, then lunch times 3, then it's snack again, then snack for my daughter out of school, then it's time to make dinner, then eat dinner then clean up then my night time snack.
So while it has been hard, I seem to have come to peace with my limited selection. I try not to nibble on treats and not lick my fingers with their food. I stick with my protein options. Today I had a really yummy cottage cheese pancake. No, really. It was good. Especially after almost 3 weeks of very uncreative food.
I have caused myself trouble a couple of times. I had my first "dumping" eating something I was allowed to have! I had a protein drink that I blended with some strawberries. But because I drank it quite quickly and had an entire serving, it was too much sugar for my body. I felt awful. I got the kids set up with their stuff and then I laid down and snoozed for an hour. Nauseous, dizzy, racing heart... My plan is to not do that again. The other trouble was eating some chicken. I made some chicken broth and took the chicken out. It was very tender from the slow simmer and I really do like meat, so I ate some. The first couple of bites were good and I tried to chew them lots. But after a few bites, the chicken got hung up. It hurt so much. I was pacing, sipping water to try to flush some out, I went to the bathroom. I felt like I was going to throw up. After about 10 mins, it passed. Whew! It was good chicken, but not that good.
So, what is the name of the animal that doesn't remember very well? Maybe Kristi-Bisti. Not 2 hours later, I ate more chicken. But I did learn something. I didn't eat as much! Ha! Yeah, but I still paced and went to the bathroom and this time I did throw up! I think it was mainly the water I had drunk in order to pass some food through. The chicken was so backed up that the water couldn't even get through. But just in case you have lost your faith in me, I did learn even more because the next night, I blended some chicken salad instead of just eating the big strands. See. I can learn. After a long time. After a lot of pain. But I can learn.
The other thing that is bothering me is the scale. I know it's not great to weigh everyday, but I have decided to do that. I mark it down on the page where I write my food for the day. Can you believe that even eating under 800 calories a day that I gained weight today? I'm still a bit dismayed. I might be down 30lbs, but gaining .5lb can really put a damper on things. I am wondering what will happen in the morning. Oh well. Whatever happens, I will try to remember it from the scale to my book and then write it down. I have actually had to reweigh because I couldn't remember what the number was. I can't even blame it on prego brain!
So, I have to give a shout out to my first commenter: KG. Thanks so much for your comment. It's great knowing that there is someone out there reading my ramblings!
Life has definitely returned to normal around here. After, let's call it "NOVEMBER", it is nice to just have the normal stresses of life such as my mother in law coming for a week, completely retraining my mind and body to think and eat differently, and handle children who had a month off from Attila the Mom. ha ha! I really like that... Attila the Mom!
I am chalking it up to school, buy my daughter's attitude has tanked. Everything is "NO" or an argument or just completely ignoring me. I have recently threatened her with removal from school. I always toyed with home-schooling until a year ago, but it is top of mind these days!
My son would rather watch tv all day instead of go to school. He only chose to go to school when he learned that he wouldn't be allowed to watch tv all day. This guy is only 4! What is going to happen when he is 13?!?!
And today, the baby was really fussy. She is so cute that I am prone to forget about it until she starts crying again. She was in her high chair and started talking. I was on the phone. Eventually the talking turned into high pitched wails which would stop as soon as I would turn around and look at her. She might only be 6 mos, but she is pretty good at getting mommy's attention!
The food thing has been very challenging. I now know that the requested lobotomy was not performed. They only operated on my stomach, not my brain. Being the mom and doting wife, I spend most of my day in the kitchen preparing food for my charges. I try and feed the big kids first and then the baby because she needs me to transport the food from the bowl to her mouth. Then I get my food. Then I clean up a bit (really, only a bit) and by the time I finish my bit, it's time for snack again. The other challenging part is my son asks for a snack every 15 mins or so it seems. My sis in law told me to take away his snack if he pesters me, but I haven't gotten their yet. I may have to soon for some sanity. Anyway, so then it's snack, then lunch times 3, then it's snack again, then snack for my daughter out of school, then it's time to make dinner, then eat dinner then clean up then my night time snack.
So while it has been hard, I seem to have come to peace with my limited selection. I try not to nibble on treats and not lick my fingers with their food. I stick with my protein options. Today I had a really yummy cottage cheese pancake. No, really. It was good. Especially after almost 3 weeks of very uncreative food.
I have caused myself trouble a couple of times. I had my first "dumping" eating something I was allowed to have! I had a protein drink that I blended with some strawberries. But because I drank it quite quickly and had an entire serving, it was too much sugar for my body. I felt awful. I got the kids set up with their stuff and then I laid down and snoozed for an hour. Nauseous, dizzy, racing heart... My plan is to not do that again. The other trouble was eating some chicken. I made some chicken broth and took the chicken out. It was very tender from the slow simmer and I really do like meat, so I ate some. The first couple of bites were good and I tried to chew them lots. But after a few bites, the chicken got hung up. It hurt so much. I was pacing, sipping water to try to flush some out, I went to the bathroom. I felt like I was going to throw up. After about 10 mins, it passed. Whew! It was good chicken, but not that good.
So, what is the name of the animal that doesn't remember very well? Maybe Kristi-Bisti. Not 2 hours later, I ate more chicken. But I did learn something. I didn't eat as much! Ha! Yeah, but I still paced and went to the bathroom and this time I did throw up! I think it was mainly the water I had drunk in order to pass some food through. The chicken was so backed up that the water couldn't even get through. But just in case you have lost your faith in me, I did learn even more because the next night, I blended some chicken salad instead of just eating the big strands. See. I can learn. After a long time. After a lot of pain. But I can learn.
The other thing that is bothering me is the scale. I know it's not great to weigh everyday, but I have decided to do that. I mark it down on the page where I write my food for the day. Can you believe that even eating under 800 calories a day that I gained weight today? I'm still a bit dismayed. I might be down 30lbs, but gaining .5lb can really put a damper on things. I am wondering what will happen in the morning. Oh well. Whatever happens, I will try to remember it from the scale to my book and then write it down. I have actually had to reweigh because I couldn't remember what the number was. I can't even blame it on prego brain!
So, I have to give a shout out to my first commenter: KG. Thanks so much for your comment. It's great knowing that there is someone out there reading my ramblings!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
oh, crap!
Well, there is a lot to catch up on. But to be honest, the main reason I am writing is to try and work out why I just ate an entire can of creamed corn.
The can is 398mLs. I thought my pouch was no where near that big. I am only eating 1/2 cup per meal and now I just ate almost 2 cups without a problem. At the beginning, I was chewing thoroughly, but the corn went down so well that I would only chew once or twice. Right now, I am sick in the head and heart because of what I just did, but I don't feel sick to my stomach.
As you may know, my life has been full of stressful events. God has miraculously carried me through it. My mood has been really good and I haven't felt uptight or pressure on me as I have gone through November. Normally I crack at the smallest increase in stress.
Tonight, as I put the kids to bed after being with them for most of the day, I wasn't upset or angry, just tired and ready for some quiet time to myself. My almost 4 yr old son is constantly talking and asking questions and the constancy of it gets to me at times. So, as Alex proceeded to get up and not stay in bed, and as my daughter kept yelling to me while I was on the phone, I felt my energy draining.
After I knew that Alex would stay in bed for good, I went into the kitchen thinking that it was time to start drinking again. I didn't want any water. I wanted something sweet. Oh, okay. I can have some crystal light water. That would work. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the can of corn. I really like cream corn. It is sweet and smooth and yet it is still technically food, so not as bad for me. As I opened the can, I told myself that it would be my evening snack. It doesn't have much protein, but that would be fine this time.
I didn't dish myself out a portion. I just took the can to the computer and ate. I noticed in the can when I had eaten about 1/2 cup. "Wow. That went fast. I'm already done 1/2 cup!" And then I kept going. When my son called me again, before I went to his room, I took a couple of extra bites for the road. Then i returned and finished the can.
I am not impressed.
So, is my stomach that big now or did the cream squish out fast so I could fit it all in? I just invested so much into this surgery and this is how I am? What is going to happen in the future? I'm already bummed because I haven't lost any weight for 3 or 4 days. I really don't get it. How can I hardly eat, and my body still not give anything up?? I am so ticked about that. Everyone always says, "calories in, calories out" but right now, I don't buy it.
I will need to post more regularly, so I can use this as my journal. I need to work this stuff out before I get to the can of corn. The problem is that I know what I need to do, but don't usually do it. I hate living intentionally.
The can is 398mLs. I thought my pouch was no where near that big. I am only eating 1/2 cup per meal and now I just ate almost 2 cups without a problem. At the beginning, I was chewing thoroughly, but the corn went down so well that I would only chew once or twice. Right now, I am sick in the head and heart because of what I just did, but I don't feel sick to my stomach.
As you may know, my life has been full of stressful events. God has miraculously carried me through it. My mood has been really good and I haven't felt uptight or pressure on me as I have gone through November. Normally I crack at the smallest increase in stress.
Tonight, as I put the kids to bed after being with them for most of the day, I wasn't upset or angry, just tired and ready for some quiet time to myself. My almost 4 yr old son is constantly talking and asking questions and the constancy of it gets to me at times. So, as Alex proceeded to get up and not stay in bed, and as my daughter kept yelling to me while I was on the phone, I felt my energy draining.
After I knew that Alex would stay in bed for good, I went into the kitchen thinking that it was time to start drinking again. I didn't want any water. I wanted something sweet. Oh, okay. I can have some crystal light water. That would work. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the can of corn. I really like cream corn. It is sweet and smooth and yet it is still technically food, so not as bad for me. As I opened the can, I told myself that it would be my evening snack. It doesn't have much protein, but that would be fine this time.
I didn't dish myself out a portion. I just took the can to the computer and ate. I noticed in the can when I had eaten about 1/2 cup. "Wow. That went fast. I'm already done 1/2 cup!" And then I kept going. When my son called me again, before I went to his room, I took a couple of extra bites for the road. Then i returned and finished the can.
I am not impressed.
So, is my stomach that big now or did the cream squish out fast so I could fit it all in? I just invested so much into this surgery and this is how I am? What is going to happen in the future? I'm already bummed because I haven't lost any weight for 3 or 4 days. I really don't get it. How can I hardly eat, and my body still not give anything up?? I am so ticked about that. Everyone always says, "calories in, calories out" but right now, I don't buy it.
I will need to post more regularly, so I can use this as my journal. I need to work this stuff out before I get to the can of corn. The problem is that I know what I need to do, but don't usually do it. I hate living intentionally.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Good Vibrations
This is it! I leave on a jet plane and I don't know when I'll be back again. Not entirely true, but the song came to mind. My flight to Montreal is tomorrow morning. I'm not totally packed or ready, but whatever. I'm going to be leaving my house a disaster and some paperwork left undone, but I am not in the mood to deal with it. I think I have the basics of what I need. I really don't need much, but can get whatever I might not remember.
I got a cough this weekend. and now it is turning more into a cold. I phoned the dr. office and she said she would call back after checking it out. She didn't call back, so I assume everything is a go. I am just so paranoid that they are going to cancel me .
It's really not a surprise that I'm sick again, considering the amount of stress going on over here. Anada is getting better, but now needs physio to help her range of motion, Alex is sick again (like his mom) and Karissa is fine. Norm is trying to sell one business and get into another and make money at the same time. We are so tired and just ready for everything to settle down.
A lot of my church has been praying for us. I am so thankful that God hears and answers prayer. I can't imagine the shape I would be in without all the prayer support. Probably something resembling a ball of goo curled up on the floor.
If you're a praying type, I would appreciate your prayers. If not, I'll take all the good vibes I can get!!!
I got a cough this weekend. and now it is turning more into a cold. I phoned the dr. office and she said she would call back after checking it out. She didn't call back, so I assume everything is a go. I am just so paranoid that they are going to cancel me .
It's really not a surprise that I'm sick again, considering the amount of stress going on over here. Anada is getting better, but now needs physio to help her range of motion, Alex is sick again (like his mom) and Karissa is fine. Norm is trying to sell one business and get into another and make money at the same time. We are so tired and just ready for everything to settle down.
A lot of my church has been praying for us. I am so thankful that God hears and answers prayer. I can't imagine the shape I would be in without all the prayer support. Probably something resembling a ball of goo curled up on the floor.
If you're a praying type, I would appreciate your prayers. If not, I'll take all the good vibes I can get!!!
Friday, November 13, 2009
found another one
8. I really want to eat this right now. I will stay on program all day tomorrow. So, it's okay if I don't follow the program today.
Let's work it out
k, I'm set for gastric bypass surgery in 5 days (not including today.) I am supposed to be drinking meal replacements instead of eating. It will get my liver in shape for the surgery. I don't think I have gone through an entire day of just having my shakes.
Why?
1. They told me that this is only to get my liver in shape. At the physical assessment, the dr. told me my liver wasn't that big. So it's okay to not follow the program.
2. I know the shakes will put me in ketosis. If I eat protein and fat other than the shakes, it shouldn't affect ketosis. So it's okay not to follow the program.
3. While I was supposed to be having my last hurrah, I was in the hospital eating hospital food. I feel deprived and want to have what I may never be able to have again. So, it's okay not to follow the program.
4. Our lives have been very stressful the last few weeks with sickness, business issues and the upcoming surgery. How can I make it through without eating? So, it's okay to not follow the program.
5. It was my dad's 65th. The pineapple dessert looked great. So it's okay to not follow the program.
6. My husband doesn't stop me from eating other food. So, it's okay to not follow the program.
7. There is chocolate in the house! It must be okay to not follow the program.
So, those are the excuses I can come up with off the top of my head. If I remember more, I will add them. These excuses are setting me up for failure. Because I am not following the program, I am starting to doubt what I will do after the surgery. What a head game!
Note to self: It's NOT ok to not follow the program. There are only 5 days left. You can persevere. You can make it. You have done harder things for longer.
Why?
1. They told me that this is only to get my liver in shape. At the physical assessment, the dr. told me my liver wasn't that big. So it's okay to not follow the program.
2. I know the shakes will put me in ketosis. If I eat protein and fat other than the shakes, it shouldn't affect ketosis. So it's okay not to follow the program.
3. While I was supposed to be having my last hurrah, I was in the hospital eating hospital food. I feel deprived and want to have what I may never be able to have again. So, it's okay not to follow the program.
4. Our lives have been very stressful the last few weeks with sickness, business issues and the upcoming surgery. How can I make it through without eating? So, it's okay to not follow the program.
5. It was my dad's 65th. The pineapple dessert looked great. So it's okay to not follow the program.
6. My husband doesn't stop me from eating other food. So, it's okay to not follow the program.
7. There is chocolate in the house! It must be okay to not follow the program.
So, those are the excuses I can come up with off the top of my head. If I remember more, I will add them. These excuses are setting me up for failure. Because I am not following the program, I am starting to doubt what I will do after the surgery. What a head game!
Note to self: It's NOT ok to not follow the program. There are only 5 days left. You can persevere. You can make it. You have done harder things for longer.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
elephants
You know, when I started this blog thing, I thought it would be no big deal. I would write in it often, I would try to be funny but probably would not succeed and it would solve all the world's problems - especially mine. It seems that I hardly write here. I don't even know if there are any people reading this! Oh well. Every few weeks will have to do.
My world is so crazy right not. My daughter had surgery almost 2 weeks ago for an aggressive infection. It was not flesh-eating, but almost. We were in the hospital for 8 days. That is a long time to be out of it. This might sound funny, but I actually really appreciated the time I got to be with my daughter. I fell in love with her all over again. She is patient, kind, helpful, tolerant, long-suffering and CUTE! Then she started to feel better, and was her old self again which includes the aforementioned qualities with stubborn and annoying thrown in. I learned a lot from this. I now know I trust God with our lives. My daughter could have died. I did not want her to die, and am very thankful that her life was spared. But, even with all the best medical care, if God decided to take her, she would be gone. She is only "on loan" and when her time is up is not for me to decide. It was amazing to experience the peace of God, trusting Him to work it all out knowing He would not take her on a whim.
I am also very thankful that we live in Canada. Often I would ponder how the situation might be different if we lived elsewhere. If we lived under a private medical system, we would be financially destitute. Instead of a $100 parking bill, we would have a $100 000 hospital bill. Would the cost of every test and every dose of medicine weigh on my mind as an expense rather than just more treatment my daughter needs? I imagine I would not hold back on anything regarding her care, but the stress of knowing I can't pay the fees quickly accumulating would weigh very heavily on my mind.
So that's my daughter. Both my son and myself got an infection and are on antibiotics. My baby daughter has been teething and she also might have an ear infection. It's hard to know if the ear thing is from the teething or from the bacteria. Good thing she has her 6 month check up tomorrow!
My husband and I have decided to shut down our business. With everyone sick and me in the hospital, it was very hard for Norm to work and make any sales. The end was coming the end of December, but recent events have really pushed us to the end much more quickly than we had planned. So, we're trying to plan the end of the papers and find a new job. Norm has enjoyed sales and wants to continue in that area. He has a meeting with a sales manager tomorrow for a job. It sounds really promising, and hopefully it will work out.
Speaking of elephants in the room... I haven't had my surgery yet. It is next week. Wow. I haven't had time to really dwell on it or even get my plans worked out. For the 2 weeks before the surgery, they give you shakes to drink. This is to clean out your liver of all the fat so it is easy to move during the surgery. They don't taste bad and are relatively filling. I haven't been doing well on them. My 2 weeks started while I was in the hospital, and I didn't have them with me. I began eating less and avoiding a lot of carbs. Because when we eat carbs, our body burns them, but when we don't eat as many carbs, our body burns the glycogen stored in our liver. I started the shakes last Friday. I don't think I have made it through an entire day without eating anything else.
I am also feeling deprived. Since I was hidden away in the hospital, I didn't have a chance for any real last hurrahs. I didn't get to go out for my sushi or ice cream or pasta. Now, I'm supposed to be drinking these drinks, but I want to have cake! I am trying to tell myself that it is just food. It can't be important to me anymore, but for the next week, it still is. I'm really torn. I can't just look at my liver to see if it's in good shape or not. Will my 70/30 effort be enough?
This has also brought doubts in my mind as to whether I will be able to really succeed at this. If I can't manage 2 weeks of liquid, how will I manage a lifetime of healthier eating? How can I live without giving into all of my food obsessions? I am actually considering attending a grief group to deal with the death of my long time companion. If I do, I don't think I could actually talk because the other people might think I am mocking them. Food has been my idol. It has meant so much to me. Eating out has been one of my most favourite thing to do. Food has been my way to break the ice with people. It's really easy to talk about food or go out with someone to eat and if I wasn't comfortable in the situation, I could just hang out by the food table. Everyone loves food - especially sugar, salt and fat - but it doesn't kill most people. It is killing me.
I don't feel dead yet. But I no longer live. Here's to a new life. Cheers.
My world is so crazy right not. My daughter had surgery almost 2 weeks ago for an aggressive infection. It was not flesh-eating, but almost. We were in the hospital for 8 days. That is a long time to be out of it. This might sound funny, but I actually really appreciated the time I got to be with my daughter. I fell in love with her all over again. She is patient, kind, helpful, tolerant, long-suffering and CUTE! Then she started to feel better, and was her old self again which includes the aforementioned qualities with stubborn and annoying thrown in. I learned a lot from this. I now know I trust God with our lives. My daughter could have died. I did not want her to die, and am very thankful that her life was spared. But, even with all the best medical care, if God decided to take her, she would be gone. She is only "on loan" and when her time is up is not for me to decide. It was amazing to experience the peace of God, trusting Him to work it all out knowing He would not take her on a whim.
I am also very thankful that we live in Canada. Often I would ponder how the situation might be different if we lived elsewhere. If we lived under a private medical system, we would be financially destitute. Instead of a $100 parking bill, we would have a $100 000 hospital bill. Would the cost of every test and every dose of medicine weigh on my mind as an expense rather than just more treatment my daughter needs? I imagine I would not hold back on anything regarding her care, but the stress of knowing I can't pay the fees quickly accumulating would weigh very heavily on my mind.
So that's my daughter. Both my son and myself got an infection and are on antibiotics. My baby daughter has been teething and she also might have an ear infection. It's hard to know if the ear thing is from the teething or from the bacteria. Good thing she has her 6 month check up tomorrow!
My husband and I have decided to shut down our business. With everyone sick and me in the hospital, it was very hard for Norm to work and make any sales. The end was coming the end of December, but recent events have really pushed us to the end much more quickly than we had planned. So, we're trying to plan the end of the papers and find a new job. Norm has enjoyed sales and wants to continue in that area. He has a meeting with a sales manager tomorrow for a job. It sounds really promising, and hopefully it will work out.
Speaking of elephants in the room... I haven't had my surgery yet. It is next week. Wow. I haven't had time to really dwell on it or even get my plans worked out. For the 2 weeks before the surgery, they give you shakes to drink. This is to clean out your liver of all the fat so it is easy to move during the surgery. They don't taste bad and are relatively filling. I haven't been doing well on them. My 2 weeks started while I was in the hospital, and I didn't have them with me. I began eating less and avoiding a lot of carbs. Because when we eat carbs, our body burns them, but when we don't eat as many carbs, our body burns the glycogen stored in our liver. I started the shakes last Friday. I don't think I have made it through an entire day without eating anything else.
I am also feeling deprived. Since I was hidden away in the hospital, I didn't have a chance for any real last hurrahs. I didn't get to go out for my sushi or ice cream or pasta. Now, I'm supposed to be drinking these drinks, but I want to have cake! I am trying to tell myself that it is just food. It can't be important to me anymore, but for the next week, it still is. I'm really torn. I can't just look at my liver to see if it's in good shape or not. Will my 70/30 effort be enough?
This has also brought doubts in my mind as to whether I will be able to really succeed at this. If I can't manage 2 weeks of liquid, how will I manage a lifetime of healthier eating? How can I live without giving into all of my food obsessions? I am actually considering attending a grief group to deal with the death of my long time companion. If I do, I don't think I could actually talk because the other people might think I am mocking them. Food has been my idol. It has meant so much to me. Eating out has been one of my most favourite thing to do. Food has been my way to break the ice with people. It's really easy to talk about food or go out with someone to eat and if I wasn't comfortable in the situation, I could just hang out by the food table. Everyone loves food - especially sugar, salt and fat - but it doesn't kill most people. It is killing me.
I don't feel dead yet. But I no longer live. Here's to a new life. Cheers.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
stuff
Today was cray-Zee! My husband had a day long conference so I planned to go to the gym and then to my sil's for the afternoon. But by 9:35 this morning I was all out of sorts.
I really do it to myself. I stayed up way too late last night and then complained about getting up early this morning. Then getting 3 kids together with all their stuff in the van for the full day was quite an event. I tried to remember everything I needed. I did succeed in not forgetting anything.
I know I am running late, but I still need to get gas. The empty light has been on for quite a few kms. I head out to my regular station and all the pumps were turned off. Hmmm. Very odd. That's okay, I thought, I'll just go to the station by the gym. I got there and there wasn't a sign saying there was no gas today, so that was good. I pay at the pump and get started. The gas is not coming. All right. I'll try a different pump. As I pull the van around, I see the signs saying there is no gas today. I have no idea if my vehicle will even make it to the next station! I do make it to the petro canada just down the street. I'll have to forego the airmiles this time.
This is frustrating enough, but my children tell me they have to go pee. we are 5 mins from our house and in between gas stations when my son says the pee is starting to sneak out. I pull into a parking lot and make them pee in the snow. I get really annoyed because I figure that Alex is almost 4. He should be able to know his body and give at least some warning. But again, the rational me reminds myself that it is my fault because they sat in the van for about 15 mins before we even left the house as I was packing up. Screw rationality!
Finally, we made it to the gym. Everything was good. I leave the kids and head downstairs to sweat out my screams. As I am winding down, I see the lady from the front desk looking around. I catch her eye and she nods at me. I thought Karissa was freaking out (like last week.) No, this time it's Alex. Guess what he did? He peed his pants! Really!!! Can you believe it? He never pees his pants.
I had brought extra clothes for him because we were away from the house all day, but they were in the van. When I was talking with the day care worker, she said she had asked Alex if she could take him to the bathroom and he said no. Then, he proceeded to wet himself. I wasn't as mad as I had been earlier, but this did not help.
In the van, I have him change his clothes. He is in the process of getting his pants on and I notice that his new underwear are wet already. He is peeing his dry clothes as he is putting them on! He didn't even tell me that he needed to pee more! I send him to pee in the bush. Today, he went through all the clothes I had brought for him and we had to take a pair of pyjama pants from his cousin. Will this ever end?!?!?!
All of this to say that I am not that regulated. When something happens that I am not expecting, it can really throw me off my course. It's really something that I need to work on. After my surgery, getting really upset about things I cannot control will not be good for my health - both mental and physical. I need to find ways of dealing with changes in my plan that don't increase my stress. I also find once I have begun to wind up, it is really hard to let myself unwind. I get off on yelling and being angry and slamming doors.
Let's talk about surgery now. I haven't written much since I got back from Montreal. I was really worried about the assessments, but they seemed much more like a rubber stamp after they were over. And now, I have my date and I am planning for a life where I am much smaller and living such a more fulfilled life. I find myself saying "when I lose weight" and "as I get smaller" and just speaking with confidence that it will finally happen. I have never spoken with confidence about my weight going down. I have never really believed that I could do that with any finality. Now, it seems there is hope for me.
The research of the surgeon shows that his patients have lost 70 to 80% of their excess body weight after 5 years. For me, that's over 150 pounds! It is possible for me to weigh 150! I have never even dreamt that I could be smaller than 150. 150 is itself the number I pick when I choose a dream number. They way I talk about my weight after the surgery is to say, "I'd rather play in the 200's than the 300's." If I got down to 220, I would feel good. 200, would be great. 180 would be amazing. 150, is like a said, a dream. The last time I weighed 150 for any length of time was when I was 12. When I was 13, I weighed 180. I just can't imagine my life in that situation. I just pray that God would prepare me for what is to come.
I have 2 weeks and 2 days to go before I start my liquid fast. They do is for rapid weight loss before the surgery to lose as much fat from my liver as possible. It will be difficult, but I can do it. This has put pressure on me to eat all the different flavours before this date. It's not that I am trying to eat all that I can and stuff myself silly, but I am trying to eat what I don't think I will be eating afterwards. Like creamy pastas and even fast food. In 2 years, I'll be able to pretty much eat whatever I want. I am hoping that I want to eat well, that in this time I will wholeheartedly embrace a new life and a new way of eating and enthusiastically choose the food that is what my body needs rather than what my emotions want. And even if I choose to eat a bit of dessert, that I will have a bite and be done with it. In 2 years I want to smash this idol of food and see it for what it is - nourishment.
I really do it to myself. I stayed up way too late last night and then complained about getting up early this morning. Then getting 3 kids together with all their stuff in the van for the full day was quite an event. I tried to remember everything I needed. I did succeed in not forgetting anything.
I know I am running late, but I still need to get gas. The empty light has been on for quite a few kms. I head out to my regular station and all the pumps were turned off. Hmmm. Very odd. That's okay, I thought, I'll just go to the station by the gym. I got there and there wasn't a sign saying there was no gas today, so that was good. I pay at the pump and get started. The gas is not coming. All right. I'll try a different pump. As I pull the van around, I see the signs saying there is no gas today. I have no idea if my vehicle will even make it to the next station! I do make it to the petro canada just down the street. I'll have to forego the airmiles this time.
This is frustrating enough, but my children tell me they have to go pee. we are 5 mins from our house and in between gas stations when my son says the pee is starting to sneak out. I pull into a parking lot and make them pee in the snow. I get really annoyed because I figure that Alex is almost 4. He should be able to know his body and give at least some warning. But again, the rational me reminds myself that it is my fault because they sat in the van for about 15 mins before we even left the house as I was packing up. Screw rationality!
Finally, we made it to the gym. Everything was good. I leave the kids and head downstairs to sweat out my screams. As I am winding down, I see the lady from the front desk looking around. I catch her eye and she nods at me. I thought Karissa was freaking out (like last week.) No, this time it's Alex. Guess what he did? He peed his pants! Really!!! Can you believe it? He never pees his pants.
I had brought extra clothes for him because we were away from the house all day, but they were in the van. When I was talking with the day care worker, she said she had asked Alex if she could take him to the bathroom and he said no. Then, he proceeded to wet himself. I wasn't as mad as I had been earlier, but this did not help.
In the van, I have him change his clothes. He is in the process of getting his pants on and I notice that his new underwear are wet already. He is peeing his dry clothes as he is putting them on! He didn't even tell me that he needed to pee more! I send him to pee in the bush. Today, he went through all the clothes I had brought for him and we had to take a pair of pyjama pants from his cousin. Will this ever end?!?!?!
All of this to say that I am not that regulated. When something happens that I am not expecting, it can really throw me off my course. It's really something that I need to work on. After my surgery, getting really upset about things I cannot control will not be good for my health - both mental and physical. I need to find ways of dealing with changes in my plan that don't increase my stress. I also find once I have begun to wind up, it is really hard to let myself unwind. I get off on yelling and being angry and slamming doors.
Let's talk about surgery now. I haven't written much since I got back from Montreal. I was really worried about the assessments, but they seemed much more like a rubber stamp after they were over. And now, I have my date and I am planning for a life where I am much smaller and living such a more fulfilled life. I find myself saying "when I lose weight" and "as I get smaller" and just speaking with confidence that it will finally happen. I have never spoken with confidence about my weight going down. I have never really believed that I could do that with any finality. Now, it seems there is hope for me.
The research of the surgeon shows that his patients have lost 70 to 80% of their excess body weight after 5 years. For me, that's over 150 pounds! It is possible for me to weigh 150! I have never even dreamt that I could be smaller than 150. 150 is itself the number I pick when I choose a dream number. They way I talk about my weight after the surgery is to say, "I'd rather play in the 200's than the 300's." If I got down to 220, I would feel good. 200, would be great. 180 would be amazing. 150, is like a said, a dream. The last time I weighed 150 for any length of time was when I was 12. When I was 13, I weighed 180. I just can't imagine my life in that situation. I just pray that God would prepare me for what is to come.
I have 2 weeks and 2 days to go before I start my liquid fast. They do is for rapid weight loss before the surgery to lose as much fat from my liver as possible. It will be difficult, but I can do it. This has put pressure on me to eat all the different flavours before this date. It's not that I am trying to eat all that I can and stuff myself silly, but I am trying to eat what I don't think I will be eating afterwards. Like creamy pastas and even fast food. In 2 years, I'll be able to pretty much eat whatever I want. I am hoping that I want to eat well, that in this time I will wholeheartedly embrace a new life and a new way of eating and enthusiastically choose the food that is what my body needs rather than what my emotions want. And even if I choose to eat a bit of dessert, that I will have a bite and be done with it. In 2 years I want to smash this idol of food and see it for what it is - nourishment.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I have a date!
It's okay, my husband knows about it!
I got my date for surgery. Yahoo!
I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared about blowing the whole thing 2 years into it.
But tonight I am tired. I'll write more later.
ttyl
I got my date for surgery. Yahoo!
I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared about blowing the whole thing 2 years into it.
But tonight I am tired. I'll write more later.
ttyl
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
My bags are packed
Okay, my bags are not packed, but I'm only taking a backpack to Montreal so it shouldn't take long.
I am getting soooo excited about the thought that the possibility of dealing with my overeating and weight problems in a permanent way! I am really looking forward to the freedom that a small stomach affords. I am looking forward to immediate feedback from my body if I eat something inappropriate. I am thinking ahead to getting new clothes - even from my own wardrobe - and wondering what kind of clothes I will pick. I am looking forward to being able to choose from more than 3 stores. I am even hoping my feet will shrink and I won't have to buy old lady shoes because my feet are so fat.
I have been smaller, but not that much smaller. I was at 228 lbs for about 8 months, down from 275, until I got pregnant with my oldest. I was about a size 18 then. I felt amazing. People didn't recognize me. I wasn't ashamed to meet people. Yet, my BMI was 39.1 at that weight. Just 0.9 away from qualifying for surgery. Amazing. Perspective is everything. When I hit 228 on the way up, in high school, I sure didn't feel amazing! At every weight, I lamented how I looked and felt. Yet, to be that weight now would be great. If, 2 years ago, I hated being 260, I would love to be 260 now. Even though I would qualify, I might not even consider surgery at that weight.
I read on the WW site, that one pound is so lonely and rejected because no one ever wants to lose one pound. That's true for me.
I love the White Coat Black Art podcast on CBC. Here's the link http://www.cbc.ca/whitecoat/
Last week he did a show on bariatric surgery. One person he interviewed said putting a morbidly obese person on a diet is like telling an heroin addict that they can shoot up, but only at these times and only a certain amount. That heroin addict would die. Yet we tell "fat" people to not only shop, plan, and prepare all their own meals without going over their allotted portion for that time. We are surrounded with porn: sex and food. You can't drive down any roads without passing fat, salt and sugar in the shape of a meal.
While I subcribe to the notion that many obese people are addicts to food, it's a catch 22. Going the "anonymous" route seems much like a diet with some spirituality thrown in. I'm not sure that taking the 12 steps of AA and replacing food can work for a lot of people. I attended Overeaters Anonymous for about 3 years. I found people who I could relate with and had very similar stories as I did, but I found very little recovery. In my group, it was hard to find a sponsor because there were so few of them. (That, and I hate asking for help.) The idea of maintaining any kind of "abstinence" is really difficult when surrounded by food porn.
It is possible that I am not a fan because it didn't work for me. yeah, maybe. But I also know, that it doesn't work for a lot of people. One stat I heard a few years ago stated that fewer than 10% of people get sober through 12 steps.
That just brings to mind that maybe the 12 steps are great for keeping one sober, once that has been attained. Maybe I should consider going back to OA to work on my stuff after my surgery, when it is impossible to eat. Hmmm.
Let's go back to Montreal... So I leave home at around noon and get into mo-ray-al around 8. I get to my beautiful sounding B&B, sleep - or toss and turn, don't eat the amazing breakfast they have prepared, walk to the hospital, have blood work, get to the assessment clinic, assess for 6 hours and head back to the airport to go home. BUSY! Hence the backpack. I don't want to be lugging a suitcase all over the island!
I've been trying to research ways of getting around for cheap. A taxi from the airport is almost $40 to downtown. The shuttle is only 16, but it doesn't go directly to my b&B. I don't really want to wander around downtown Montreal at 9pm. And then going back to the airport, there are a few options with a bus or train. I'm not sure about the airport shuttle. I have no idea where it goes. Maybe cabs are my easiest bet. Maybe on my next trip for my surgery I will be more adventurous. At least before they cut me open!
My husband has really been getting on my nerves lately. He forgot to pay our insurance bill, he didn't buckle the baby up and she fell out of her rocking chair, he doesn't clean up after himself around the house and he hasn't made a sale! Writing this makes me feel like a shmuk because he loves me more than I know. Oh yeah, that's another thing... He doesn't stop telling me he loves me! I can't even believe that I'm complaining about that, but right now, it's like I'm a very dark, deep abyss. His comments and compliments just get sucked in and vanish. I don't store them and remind myself later. They don't make me feel good about myself. I just think, "Yeah, right." How aweful is that? I definitely don't deserve him.
Well, I guess that's enough for today. Good Night.
I am getting soooo excited about the thought that the possibility of dealing with my overeating and weight problems in a permanent way! I am really looking forward to the freedom that a small stomach affords. I am looking forward to immediate feedback from my body if I eat something inappropriate. I am thinking ahead to getting new clothes - even from my own wardrobe - and wondering what kind of clothes I will pick. I am looking forward to being able to choose from more than 3 stores. I am even hoping my feet will shrink and I won't have to buy old lady shoes because my feet are so fat.
I have been smaller, but not that much smaller. I was at 228 lbs for about 8 months, down from 275, until I got pregnant with my oldest. I was about a size 18 then. I felt amazing. People didn't recognize me. I wasn't ashamed to meet people. Yet, my BMI was 39.1 at that weight. Just 0.9 away from qualifying for surgery. Amazing. Perspective is everything. When I hit 228 on the way up, in high school, I sure didn't feel amazing! At every weight, I lamented how I looked and felt. Yet, to be that weight now would be great. If, 2 years ago, I hated being 260, I would love to be 260 now. Even though I would qualify, I might not even consider surgery at that weight.
I read on the WW site, that one pound is so lonely and rejected because no one ever wants to lose one pound. That's true for me.
I love the White Coat Black Art podcast on CBC. Here's the link http://www.cbc.ca/whitecoat/
Last week he did a show on bariatric surgery. One person he interviewed said putting a morbidly obese person on a diet is like telling an heroin addict that they can shoot up, but only at these times and only a certain amount. That heroin addict would die. Yet we tell "fat" people to not only shop, plan, and prepare all their own meals without going over their allotted portion for that time. We are surrounded with porn: sex and food. You can't drive down any roads without passing fat, salt and sugar in the shape of a meal.
While I subcribe to the notion that many obese people are addicts to food, it's a catch 22. Going the "anonymous" route seems much like a diet with some spirituality thrown in. I'm not sure that taking the 12 steps of AA and replacing food can work for a lot of people. I attended Overeaters Anonymous for about 3 years. I found people who I could relate with and had very similar stories as I did, but I found very little recovery. In my group, it was hard to find a sponsor because there were so few of them. (That, and I hate asking for help.) The idea of maintaining any kind of "abstinence" is really difficult when surrounded by food porn.
It is possible that I am not a fan because it didn't work for me. yeah, maybe. But I also know, that it doesn't work for a lot of people. One stat I heard a few years ago stated that fewer than 10% of people get sober through 12 steps.
That just brings to mind that maybe the 12 steps are great for keeping one sober, once that has been attained. Maybe I should consider going back to OA to work on my stuff after my surgery, when it is impossible to eat. Hmmm.
Let's go back to Montreal... So I leave home at around noon and get into mo-ray-al around 8. I get to my beautiful sounding B&B, sleep - or toss and turn, don't eat the amazing breakfast they have prepared, walk to the hospital, have blood work, get to the assessment clinic, assess for 6 hours and head back to the airport to go home. BUSY! Hence the backpack. I don't want to be lugging a suitcase all over the island!
I've been trying to research ways of getting around for cheap. A taxi from the airport is almost $40 to downtown. The shuttle is only 16, but it doesn't go directly to my b&B. I don't really want to wander around downtown Montreal at 9pm. And then going back to the airport, there are a few options with a bus or train. I'm not sure about the airport shuttle. I have no idea where it goes. Maybe cabs are my easiest bet. Maybe on my next trip for my surgery I will be more adventurous. At least before they cut me open!
My husband has really been getting on my nerves lately. He forgot to pay our insurance bill, he didn't buckle the baby up and she fell out of her rocking chair, he doesn't clean up after himself around the house and he hasn't made a sale! Writing this makes me feel like a shmuk because he loves me more than I know. Oh yeah, that's another thing... He doesn't stop telling me he loves me! I can't even believe that I'm complaining about that, but right now, it's like I'm a very dark, deep abyss. His comments and compliments just get sucked in and vanish. I don't store them and remind myself later. They don't make me feel good about myself. I just think, "Yeah, right." How aweful is that? I definitely don't deserve him.
Well, I guess that's enough for today. Good Night.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
wohoo!
Did I ever tell you I am glad I have this blog to write it all out at 12:15 in the morning? I went to bed early tonight, read a very long chapter in my book and tried to sleep. 10:30, 10:50, 11:17... My mind wouldn't quit! I finally decided to get up and write it all down so I could tell myself not to worry. I won't forget anything.
The big news is that the clinic in Montreal (pronounced mow-ray-al - well not really "mow", but it's closer to mow than to mon) called today to schedule an appointment. I thought I would have my consultation over the phone and only have to travel for the actual surgery. But no. (Hey! I just got it. It's probably closer to "mo" than "mow". so please pronounce it mo-ray-al.) I need to show my chubby self in person both to the dr. and to the psychologist. And soon! my appointment is on Oct. 5.
This has really got me thinking about all that I need to do to be prepared for the consultation. I need to have answers for why i need this surgery and how I got this big. I need to know how I will handle myself after the surgery and how I won't fail. I also am spending a lot of mental energy on how to speak in French.
At one point in my life, I was very good at french. In university, I felt pretty proficient. I had a large enough vocab and these words came to me quickly enough to speak without feeling like a dork. Now, 15, heck, almost 20 years later, I found myself lying in bed thinking, "how do I pronounce 'ouest'? what will I tell the cab driver? Do I try to speak in French or will they understand my english?" Making phone calls to book hotels and speak with the drs, I had no problem in English. I have heard that it is easier to be served in English in Montreal than French. But I would like to be able to converse like I used to. Today on the phone, I was tempted to respond in French, but by the time a couple of seconds passed, I realized it was a hopeless cause. Now I wonder if maybe I should take some French courses to learn it all over again.
But back to the surgery again. I am worried that they will tell me "no". that i won't be considered a good candidate. I don't know how many people they turn down, but I don't want to be one of them. One clinic in the states talks about all the people they turn down, this website doesn't, so I hope that means they don't.
The other thing I spent time on today was going throught he medical transcription program I am considering. I'm not sure whether I should do this or not. The online program takes at least a year. Am I that disciplined? I think I will enjoy it. I love typing, I love learning about medical stuff and I could work from home. But will I have enough time to work on it? I have 3 kids, i'm planning on having major surgery and changing my life as I have known it for 37 years. Can I add something else that will demand so much? I also just started a Bible study that has homework. (hear screeching in the background.) I want to study God's word more. Right now, it's the easiest to forget or purposefully leave out of my day. That's not how I want to live. I want my faith to be vital in my life. I want Jesus to change my life the way the surgery will. That requires "spiritual disciplines". My old pattern has been to do it for a while and then leave it behind for a longer while. I have thus far evaded the discipline part of disciple.
Speaking of God, today my daughter asked God to live in her. She has been experiencing a lot of fear these days. For a long time she was afraid of the dragon in her dream. It was always trying to eat her hand. The last couple of days, she has been afraid of getting cancer. They had the Terry Fox Run at school yesterday and in the process of talking about Terry and cancer, Anada came up with the thought of how bad it would be for her to get cancer. I have been unable to tell her that she for sure won't get cancer (because she just might) and so I have been telling her how the only way to handle it is to trust Jesus. He's the only one who can control whether she will get cancer or not. We can try to live well by eating our veggies and being active, but we all know lots of healthy people who get cancer. I believe that God controls what happens to us, the good and the bad. Even Job, in the Bible, who lost everything and nearly died, was being tested by Satan with the permission of God. God allowed all of that to happen. God allowed me to have depression for most of my life. God allows everything as he works out what was meant for evil to be used for good. This gives me a lot of peace. Even with this surgery thing coming up, one of the risks is death. I could die. or maybe even worse, I could live but be permanently sick or injured. I take much comfort in the fact that whatever happens is in God's control. Only what he wants for me will happen. I don't plan on getting sick, but if I do, I can trust that he allowed it to happen and his greater glory will result.
So Anada prayed. She did have a joy on her face after. I pray that God will transform her, that even though she is only 5, that she will understand what she can and tu rn to God for the rest of her life.
So, am I ready to sleep? I hope so!
The big news is that the clinic in Montreal (pronounced mow-ray-al - well not really "mow", but it's closer to mow than to mon) called today to schedule an appointment. I thought I would have my consultation over the phone and only have to travel for the actual surgery. But no. (Hey! I just got it. It's probably closer to "mo" than "mow". so please pronounce it mo-ray-al.) I need to show my chubby self in person both to the dr. and to the psychologist. And soon! my appointment is on Oct. 5.
This has really got me thinking about all that I need to do to be prepared for the consultation. I need to have answers for why i need this surgery and how I got this big. I need to know how I will handle myself after the surgery and how I won't fail. I also am spending a lot of mental energy on how to speak in French.
At one point in my life, I was very good at french. In university, I felt pretty proficient. I had a large enough vocab and these words came to me quickly enough to speak without feeling like a dork. Now, 15, heck, almost 20 years later, I found myself lying in bed thinking, "how do I pronounce 'ouest'? what will I tell the cab driver? Do I try to speak in French or will they understand my english?" Making phone calls to book hotels and speak with the drs, I had no problem in English. I have heard that it is easier to be served in English in Montreal than French. But I would like to be able to converse like I used to. Today on the phone, I was tempted to respond in French, but by the time a couple of seconds passed, I realized it was a hopeless cause. Now I wonder if maybe I should take some French courses to learn it all over again.
But back to the surgery again. I am worried that they will tell me "no". that i won't be considered a good candidate. I don't know how many people they turn down, but I don't want to be one of them. One clinic in the states talks about all the people they turn down, this website doesn't, so I hope that means they don't.
The other thing I spent time on today was going throught he medical transcription program I am considering. I'm not sure whether I should do this or not. The online program takes at least a year. Am I that disciplined? I think I will enjoy it. I love typing, I love learning about medical stuff and I could work from home. But will I have enough time to work on it? I have 3 kids, i'm planning on having major surgery and changing my life as I have known it for 37 years. Can I add something else that will demand so much? I also just started a Bible study that has homework. (hear screeching in the background.) I want to study God's word more. Right now, it's the easiest to forget or purposefully leave out of my day. That's not how I want to live. I want my faith to be vital in my life. I want Jesus to change my life the way the surgery will. That requires "spiritual disciplines". My old pattern has been to do it for a while and then leave it behind for a longer while. I have thus far evaded the discipline part of disciple.
Speaking of God, today my daughter asked God to live in her. She has been experiencing a lot of fear these days. For a long time she was afraid of the dragon in her dream. It was always trying to eat her hand. The last couple of days, she has been afraid of getting cancer. They had the Terry Fox Run at school yesterday and in the process of talking about Terry and cancer, Anada came up with the thought of how bad it would be for her to get cancer. I have been unable to tell her that she for sure won't get cancer (because she just might) and so I have been telling her how the only way to handle it is to trust Jesus. He's the only one who can control whether she will get cancer or not. We can try to live well by eating our veggies and being active, but we all know lots of healthy people who get cancer. I believe that God controls what happens to us, the good and the bad. Even Job, in the Bible, who lost everything and nearly died, was being tested by Satan with the permission of God. God allowed all of that to happen. God allowed me to have depression for most of my life. God allows everything as he works out what was meant for evil to be used for good. This gives me a lot of peace. Even with this surgery thing coming up, one of the risks is death. I could die. or maybe even worse, I could live but be permanently sick or injured. I take much comfort in the fact that whatever happens is in God's control. Only what he wants for me will happen. I don't plan on getting sick, but if I do, I can trust that he allowed it to happen and his greater glory will result.
So Anada prayed. She did have a joy on her face after. I pray that God will transform her, that even though she is only 5, that she will understand what she can and tu rn to God for the rest of her life.
So, am I ready to sleep? I hope so!
Friday, September 18, 2009
pins and needles
I just can't wait for the phone call from the clinic in Montreal saying, "it's time for your consultation and when would you like to schedule your life-saving, life-altering, minimally invasive gastric bypass surgery with the only surgeon in Canada doing these surgeries full time?"
I would answer, "Tomorrow, please."
I have been eating a lot more lately. It doesn't seem to matter that I am not hungry. All that does matter is that there is a constant stream of sugary, fat laden food ready to stretch my already swollen belly. Ok, and I'm not trying to cop out on this, but I think that part of the equation is working on WW for a couple of months. I didn't deprive myself, by any means, but the idea of staying within a limit has set off the rebellious part of my nature where I show the world that nothing can hold me in.
I have been eating a lot faster than normal. As I am eating, it is like I am watching someone else put all of this food into my mouth. There is a small, quiet voice objecting to my behaviour. But this voice barely squeaks out, "you're not really hungry, you know" and "um, if you don't want to, you don't really, um, have to, um, eat that." The voice must know that I am likely to shout it out of existence if it dares to be audible. I picture a cartoon character's hair being blown back by the force out of my mouth. The venom that spews when anyone dares question me.
Even today, I have eaten very regularly for most of the day. I had a dessert when I got home from dinner and now I am plotting my snack for tv. My dessert was literally full of air and my tummy is very full. That's no concern. Chips are flat! they hardly take up any room at all.
Did I mention that I applied for surgery? I really am waiting on pins and needles for the process to proceed. I know they have my application. Now I am waiting for a consult with the dr. and hopefully an appointment shortly thereafter. I am seeing it as unlocking my prison door. That finally, after 34 years, I can live my life without food being the center. The surgery not only makes my stomach the size of my thumb, but it also cuts the nerves from my stomach to my brain. It will actually change the way I think about food. I have heard 0f people who actually have to force themselves to eat because they forget. I currently eat just in case I might get hungry.
A lot of people thing surgery is extreme. You know what? It is! I am planning to have my body permanently altered through surgery where the risk includes death.
Do you know what else is extreme? That I need to lose more than the majority of women weigh. To be at the bottom end of my healthy BMI, I need to lose 180 lbs. A woman who weighs 180lbs today, would consider herself fat. I need to lose all of her. That is extreme.
Evolutionarily, I would have won. I could outlive most people during a famine. It's the time of plenty that we live in that is the tough part.
I would answer, "Tomorrow, please."
I have been eating a lot more lately. It doesn't seem to matter that I am not hungry. All that does matter is that there is a constant stream of sugary, fat laden food ready to stretch my already swollen belly. Ok, and I'm not trying to cop out on this, but I think that part of the equation is working on WW for a couple of months. I didn't deprive myself, by any means, but the idea of staying within a limit has set off the rebellious part of my nature where I show the world that nothing can hold me in.
I have been eating a lot faster than normal. As I am eating, it is like I am watching someone else put all of this food into my mouth. There is a small, quiet voice objecting to my behaviour. But this voice barely squeaks out, "you're not really hungry, you know" and "um, if you don't want to, you don't really, um, have to, um, eat that." The voice must know that I am likely to shout it out of existence if it dares to be audible. I picture a cartoon character's hair being blown back by the force out of my mouth. The venom that spews when anyone dares question me.
Even today, I have eaten very regularly for most of the day. I had a dessert when I got home from dinner and now I am plotting my snack for tv. My dessert was literally full of air and my tummy is very full. That's no concern. Chips are flat! they hardly take up any room at all.
Did I mention that I applied for surgery? I really am waiting on pins and needles for the process to proceed. I know they have my application. Now I am waiting for a consult with the dr. and hopefully an appointment shortly thereafter. I am seeing it as unlocking my prison door. That finally, after 34 years, I can live my life without food being the center. The surgery not only makes my stomach the size of my thumb, but it also cuts the nerves from my stomach to my brain. It will actually change the way I think about food. I have heard 0f people who actually have to force themselves to eat because they forget. I currently eat just in case I might get hungry.
A lot of people thing surgery is extreme. You know what? It is! I am planning to have my body permanently altered through surgery where the risk includes death.
Do you know what else is extreme? That I need to lose more than the majority of women weigh. To be at the bottom end of my healthy BMI, I need to lose 180 lbs. A woman who weighs 180lbs today, would consider herself fat. I need to lose all of her. That is extreme.
Evolutionarily, I would have won. I could outlive most people during a famine. It's the time of plenty that we live in that is the tough part.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
me, myself and I
I am so selfish. It invades every part of my life. I am selfish when I let my kids do what they want so I won't have to entertain them. I am selfish when I don't cook dinner because then I leave few options but to go out to eat. I am selfish when I am distant with my husband because I am not giving him what he needs (and deserves). I am selfish when I get angry because I am angry with whatever is going on interfering with my plans. I am selfish when I overeat and binge because it doesn't help anybody.
Last night I was laying in bed thinking about this. I was thinking that I need to make a list of my selfish habits and then a list of the ways that I am allowed to be selfish like taking some time to be alone, like going for a walk, like reading a book, like creating a hobby for myself. Often I will forgo the positive selfishness because I have been so negatively selfish. The other day, I was so tired and needed a break, but because I had already been selfish that afternoon, I thought I should at least get some stuff done even though I made the rest of my family miserable. It would have been much better to take care of myself emotionally and take some time away rather than grudgingly staying busy.
This is not a skill I am good at. In fact, my selfishness is just becoming to bubble to the surface of my consciousness.
I'm not sure how to stay unselfish during the times when I would normally check out. Will it work to use "justified selfishness" as a reward? I obviously don't know. Ihaven't done it before, but I will try. I will try to be more present with my family and just take the time when I need to really get away without guilt. Hopefully everyone will be better off.
Last night I was laying in bed thinking about this. I was thinking that I need to make a list of my selfish habits and then a list of the ways that I am allowed to be selfish like taking some time to be alone, like going for a walk, like reading a book, like creating a hobby for myself. Often I will forgo the positive selfishness because I have been so negatively selfish. The other day, I was so tired and needed a break, but because I had already been selfish that afternoon, I thought I should at least get some stuff done even though I made the rest of my family miserable. It would have been much better to take care of myself emotionally and take some time away rather than grudgingly staying busy.
This is not a skill I am good at. In fact, my selfishness is just becoming to bubble to the surface of my consciousness.
I'm not sure how to stay unselfish during the times when I would normally check out. Will it work to use "justified selfishness" as a reward? I obviously don't know. Ihaven't done it before, but I will try. I will try to be more present with my family and just take the time when I need to really get away without guilt. Hopefully everyone will be better off.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Summer's end
Wow! It feels like it's been forever since I've been here. The end of summer has arrived with my daughter entering kindergarten, my son still needing to learn toileting skills in order to go to preschool next week and my baby being her usual delightful self.
Karissa really makes me smile. She always greets me with a smile and a coo. If i start to giggle with her, she will often giggle back. She hardly cries and just basically handles what life (mommy) throws at her.
My other kids are making me cringe these days. Their attitude leaves a lot to be desired. It's argument after argument; whining and crying when they don't get their way. They are always disagreeing with someone whether it be me or each other. It's a good thing I have a lot of hair! I find that I am getting more on edge again. I was really bad for a while. The littlest thing could set me off. Then, after counselling, I was better able to calm myself down. "Soothe myself." And now, I am finding myself slipping back.
We have been really busy with school, and work, and de-cluttering and trying to find a cat hiding out in our house. With all the chaos, it's hard to find peace. I think it's the same for my kids. While being so busy is stressful, it's also something I've wanted. I often feel that I am not living up to what I want my life to be. I am starting to require more of myself. Part of that is getting more done. Leaving procrastination for another day and just doing what needs to be done.
One thing i have done this last week, is mail an application for gastric bypass. I am really excited and nervous at the same time. I am excited that I will finally have a way to lose weight permanently without having to fight each and every second. In the surgery, they cut the nerves around your stomach. Often that means that the signals that would tell you to eat are no long there. I have heard of people having to force themselves to eat because they just don't feel like it. I am excited that I will get to wear smaller clothes instead of worrying that even the plus size clothes stores won't have my size. I'm excited that I will be able to fit into the world - on the rides at the amusment park, in my husband's 20 year old truck, in a helicopter (that I had to get out of because the seat belt was too small for my ample girth.)
This is where the nervous part comes in: they can turn me down. They can look at my chart and say no. I don't know what the exact circumstnace is where they would turn me down, but I have heard of people "failing" the psychological assessment and being turned down. The acutal surgery doesn't bother me too much. AFter 3 c-sections, I think this one will be a breeze.
So, I mailed the application on Friday, tomorrow is Labour Day, so they should get it Tuesday or Wednesday. Then they will have to get all the reports (the hospital said they can only get them to me in 3 months) and assess my case and book me for a consultation. If all goes well, then I pay my money and book my surgery time. The sooner the better, but the receptionist said they are booking into late October.
I really can't weight. (get it?!?!?) My eating is getting crazier and crazier. I'm going to start calling myself hoover. Most nights, I'll sit down with 1 litre of ice cream. Or tonight, I remembered I had bought some chocolate for a party I am going to have, so I had some of that. I'm really out of control. I heard myself tell myself, "From now on, if I want something, i'll have it. I won't say no. I only have a few weeks left until I won't be able to hardly eat anything." At the time, I thought the thought was fine, but as I type it, I can finally see it as a bit warped. (but only a bit.)
Well, I should go to bed. Even if it's for good purposes, This darned computer always makes me go to bed late!!!
kb
Karissa really makes me smile. She always greets me with a smile and a coo. If i start to giggle with her, she will often giggle back. She hardly cries and just basically handles what life (mommy) throws at her.
My other kids are making me cringe these days. Their attitude leaves a lot to be desired. It's argument after argument; whining and crying when they don't get their way. They are always disagreeing with someone whether it be me or each other. It's a good thing I have a lot of hair! I find that I am getting more on edge again. I was really bad for a while. The littlest thing could set me off. Then, after counselling, I was better able to calm myself down. "Soothe myself." And now, I am finding myself slipping back.
We have been really busy with school, and work, and de-cluttering and trying to find a cat hiding out in our house. With all the chaos, it's hard to find peace. I think it's the same for my kids. While being so busy is stressful, it's also something I've wanted. I often feel that I am not living up to what I want my life to be. I am starting to require more of myself. Part of that is getting more done. Leaving procrastination for another day and just doing what needs to be done.
One thing i have done this last week, is mail an application for gastric bypass. I am really excited and nervous at the same time. I am excited that I will finally have a way to lose weight permanently without having to fight each and every second. In the surgery, they cut the nerves around your stomach. Often that means that the signals that would tell you to eat are no long there. I have heard of people having to force themselves to eat because they just don't feel like it. I am excited that I will get to wear smaller clothes instead of worrying that even the plus size clothes stores won't have my size. I'm excited that I will be able to fit into the world - on the rides at the amusment park, in my husband's 20 year old truck, in a helicopter (that I had to get out of because the seat belt was too small for my ample girth.)
This is where the nervous part comes in: they can turn me down. They can look at my chart and say no. I don't know what the exact circumstnace is where they would turn me down, but I have heard of people "failing" the psychological assessment and being turned down. The acutal surgery doesn't bother me too much. AFter 3 c-sections, I think this one will be a breeze.
So, I mailed the application on Friday, tomorrow is Labour Day, so they should get it Tuesday or Wednesday. Then they will have to get all the reports (the hospital said they can only get them to me in 3 months) and assess my case and book me for a consultation. If all goes well, then I pay my money and book my surgery time. The sooner the better, but the receptionist said they are booking into late October.
I really can't weight. (get it?!?!?) My eating is getting crazier and crazier. I'm going to start calling myself hoover. Most nights, I'll sit down with 1 litre of ice cream. Or tonight, I remembered I had bought some chocolate for a party I am going to have, so I had some of that. I'm really out of control. I heard myself tell myself, "From now on, if I want something, i'll have it. I won't say no. I only have a few weeks left until I won't be able to hardly eat anything." At the time, I thought the thought was fine, but as I type it, I can finally see it as a bit warped. (but only a bit.)
Well, I should go to bed. Even if it's for good purposes, This darned computer always makes me go to bed late!!!
kb
Thursday, August 20, 2009
merriment in the kitchen!
I just finished 3.5 hours of making cookies, rhubarb muffins and loaf, AND strawberry-rhubarb jam! Whew!
My daughter wanted a cookie at the restaurant we were at, so I suggested that I make her some and she could have one before bed. They didn't turn out the way I like them. While unfortunate, it's probably a good thing.
I had cut up a bunch of rhubarb from our yard a few days ago. It has been sitting in the fridge waiting for me to do something with it. My intention was jam, but I don't have enough jars for the amount of rhubarb I had. The heat of the oven brought to mind a marvelous recipe I have from Canadian Living for Rhubarb Loaf/Muffins. It is very nice. I doubled it and used almost all of the rhubarb.
With only a bit of the rhu and a container of strawberries quickly going downhill, I decided to make jam. I had 2 jars ready. It made Those 2 and 2 cups extra in bowls ready to use first thing. I think it will taste really good! I'll have to remember to get the bread out to make toast in the morning.
So, that was my evening. As I was cooking up a storm, I thought I don't have many hobbies. I cross stitch, but I don't always want to do that. I like to be active. I find baking rather stimulating for some reason. I kind of get lost in it. I also listen to my ipod while I'm at it. If only I had a kitchen elf who would clean up my mess! But progress in that I cleaned up right away tonight. No leaving it all for tomorrow.
Now, I'm off to do my Bible reading. The book of Acts is very interesting.
ttfn
kb
My daughter wanted a cookie at the restaurant we were at, so I suggested that I make her some and she could have one before bed. They didn't turn out the way I like them. While unfortunate, it's probably a good thing.
I had cut up a bunch of rhubarb from our yard a few days ago. It has been sitting in the fridge waiting for me to do something with it. My intention was jam, but I don't have enough jars for the amount of rhubarb I had. The heat of the oven brought to mind a marvelous recipe I have from Canadian Living for Rhubarb Loaf/Muffins. It is very nice. I doubled it and used almost all of the rhubarb.
With only a bit of the rhu and a container of strawberries quickly going downhill, I decided to make jam. I had 2 jars ready. It made Those 2 and 2 cups extra in bowls ready to use first thing. I think it will taste really good! I'll have to remember to get the bread out to make toast in the morning.
So, that was my evening. As I was cooking up a storm, I thought I don't have many hobbies. I cross stitch, but I don't always want to do that. I like to be active. I find baking rather stimulating for some reason. I kind of get lost in it. I also listen to my ipod while I'm at it. If only I had a kitchen elf who would clean up my mess! But progress in that I cleaned up right away tonight. No leaving it all for tomorrow.
Now, I'm off to do my Bible reading. The book of Acts is very interesting.
ttfn
kb
So I am considering gastric bypass surgery. I don't think I will ever lose all the weight - even some of the weight - I need to without it. I sent an application to a surgeon in Montreal last year, but the next day, found out I was pregnant. As I waited to hear from the clinic, a couple of weeks passed. Then, my application came back in the mail short paid! I think that is very funny. I am not even on a publicly funded "weighting" list because I don't think I would have a chance to even get to the top of the list within 5 years. One article I read about the public system said that they only operate on people with co-morbidities. Unfortunately, I am currently healthy. I don't have any of the diseases associated with obesity. I don't have diabetes (miracle!), high blood pressure, high cholesterol. I am fairly active and when I am working as a letter carrier, I am very active. I guess I understand that if there are limited resources, it makes sense to use them on those who can benefit the most. Yet that means that in the public system, I must get sicker before I have the chance to get better.
A friend mentioned that in Brazil, where she is from, that they have some of the best surgeons and hospitals in the world. They are also much cheaper. So, I am now considering traveling down there for the surgery. If I can save about $10000, why not? I would also become a world traveller! How fun is that?!?!? I better get my passport.
I am nervous. Do I really want to do this? Do I really need it? What happens if something goes wrong? Death is a complication of surgery. What if there are problems and my life after is worse than before?
Then again, what if I don't do it. I am tired of this life where my self esteem is in the gutter. This life where people judge me for how I look. This life where I laugh at my husband because he says he loves me and thinks I am sexy. This life where I can't drive our truck because I don't fit and I am afraid to go on the ridge with my kids incase I am asked to get off because I don't fit. This life where the mental energy it takes to carry on with diet programs seems to oppress me and has me running back to the food.
I don't think I have done many programs, yet when I go through them, they start to add up: Nutritionists, psychologists, gym memberships, exercise videos, councelling, diet and exercise programs, at home diets from books, weekly weigh in diets, expensive doctor supervised diets, online diets and then there is the ever-present self-chastising diet where I criticise myself all day for the choices I have made. Will it ever end?
I am beginning to understand that even with surgery, it will still be a lifelong situation. Food and weight will always be my issues even if I am much smaller. My thought is that I would rather deal with these problems while I can ride the rides and drive our truck and believe my husband when he tells me I'm hot at 200lbs rather than 300!
Anyone have $13k you want to donate my cause!?!?!?!?
A friend mentioned that in Brazil, where she is from, that they have some of the best surgeons and hospitals in the world. They are also much cheaper. So, I am now considering traveling down there for the surgery. If I can save about $10000, why not? I would also become a world traveller! How fun is that?!?!? I better get my passport.
I am nervous. Do I really want to do this? Do I really need it? What happens if something goes wrong? Death is a complication of surgery. What if there are problems and my life after is worse than before?
Then again, what if I don't do it. I am tired of this life where my self esteem is in the gutter. This life where people judge me for how I look. This life where I laugh at my husband because he says he loves me and thinks I am sexy. This life where I can't drive our truck because I don't fit and I am afraid to go on the ridge with my kids incase I am asked to get off because I don't fit. This life where the mental energy it takes to carry on with diet programs seems to oppress me and has me running back to the food.
I don't think I have done many programs, yet when I go through them, they start to add up: Nutritionists, psychologists, gym memberships, exercise videos, councelling, diet and exercise programs, at home diets from books, weekly weigh in diets, expensive doctor supervised diets, online diets and then there is the ever-present self-chastising diet where I criticise myself all day for the choices I have made. Will it ever end?
I am beginning to understand that even with surgery, it will still be a lifelong situation. Food and weight will always be my issues even if I am much smaller. My thought is that I would rather deal with these problems while I can ride the rides and drive our truck and believe my husband when he tells me I'm hot at 200lbs rather than 300!
Anyone have $13k you want to donate my cause!?!?!?!?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Today I felt really good about how I've been handling my food choices for the past few days (like using yogurt on my pancakes instead of syrup. Like having diet jello and cool whip when the rest of my family was having ice cream. Like choosing and salad and not using any dressing because I liked it without.) But it's a hard hurdle to just bite the bullet and write down what I have eaten. The irrational part of my mind seems to think that if I don't write it down, it never happened. Unfortunately, the metabolic part of my brain and body doesn't follow suit.
I find it amazing how I can have so much resolve and within days - even minutes - it vanishes. Every time I watch Biggest Loser or Xweighted or something similar, I feel so pumped. I'm ready to beat my body into submission. I will take no prisoners! I even start planning how I will tackle tomorrow. Then, my hubby asks if I want some ice cream. Hmmmm. That sounds great! Make mine chocolate dip.
Poof! Gone. The super-incredible, deep-seated, forged steel resolve has dissappeared only to return during the viewing of next week's episode.
All of this to say that even though I have been making some really good choices, I feel like I have blown it tonight. It seems like I couldn't be satisfied until I had my softened, chocolate ice cream. I thought about other things I could have instead - like cool whip. Instead of having it instead, I had both! (With some button mushrooms thrown in the middle because I love them and I was making some chili for tomorrow!) Also, I left the carton out so it would still be soft when I came back for more. I knew that by leaving it out, I would guarantee that I would have more rather than putting it away and making one more barrier between me and my desire.
I do this often. I know strategies that will help me make better choices, but then I choose not to do them. for example, I know that when I start to feel "bingey" that I need to drink some water. I really notice that when I am dehydrated, I want to eat. But, I will still choose to eat instead of drinking water. Man, am I stubborn! Some people ask whether overeating and being fat are genetic or learned behaviour. I have said for a long time that even though everyone in my family uses food to soothe themselves, I was the best learner because I am the biggest. (but stubbornness is genetic!!! lol)
On a positive note, I feel really good about how I dealt with my kids today. After so long of being so stressed out, I am finally feeling better. But I am also making a more determined effort to treat my kids better. I am trying to treat them more as guests than as family. I say things to my family that I would never say to anyone else. By trying to look at them in this light helps me to be more positive and more humourous in my interactions with them. I used to be entirely tired of them and frustrated with them for a good chunk of the day. Today, it seemed the impulse to be angry just wasn't there. Hallejujah!
Time to go. ttys
kb
I find it amazing how I can have so much resolve and within days - even minutes - it vanishes. Every time I watch Biggest Loser or Xweighted or something similar, I feel so pumped. I'm ready to beat my body into submission. I will take no prisoners! I even start planning how I will tackle tomorrow. Then, my hubby asks if I want some ice cream. Hmmmm. That sounds great! Make mine chocolate dip.
Poof! Gone. The super-incredible, deep-seated, forged steel resolve has dissappeared only to return during the viewing of next week's episode.
All of this to say that even though I have been making some really good choices, I feel like I have blown it tonight. It seems like I couldn't be satisfied until I had my softened, chocolate ice cream. I thought about other things I could have instead - like cool whip. Instead of having it instead, I had both! (With some button mushrooms thrown in the middle because I love them and I was making some chili for tomorrow!) Also, I left the carton out so it would still be soft when I came back for more. I knew that by leaving it out, I would guarantee that I would have more rather than putting it away and making one more barrier between me and my desire.
I do this often. I know strategies that will help me make better choices, but then I choose not to do them. for example, I know that when I start to feel "bingey" that I need to drink some water. I really notice that when I am dehydrated, I want to eat. But, I will still choose to eat instead of drinking water. Man, am I stubborn! Some people ask whether overeating and being fat are genetic or learned behaviour. I have said for a long time that even though everyone in my family uses food to soothe themselves, I was the best learner because I am the biggest. (but stubbornness is genetic!!! lol)
On a positive note, I feel really good about how I dealt with my kids today. After so long of being so stressed out, I am finally feeling better. But I am also making a more determined effort to treat my kids better. I am trying to treat them more as guests than as family. I say things to my family that I would never say to anyone else. By trying to look at them in this light helps me to be more positive and more humourous in my interactions with them. I used to be entirely tired of them and frustrated with them for a good chunk of the day. Today, it seemed the impulse to be angry just wasn't there. Hallejujah!
Time to go. ttys
kb
Saturday, August 8, 2009
It has been a while and I don't have much time tonight either. But here we go.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned until almost 5am. My mind just wouldn't get of the roller coaster of thoughts and feelings. I got up around 2am to write a letter to my small group telling them that I feel like an outcast.
A lot of time was spent on my neighbours whom I sent home when they were here playing. I felt equally justified and guilty for doing it. They are older than my kids and louder and more destructive. Their grandma is constantly coming over because she is bored. I don't have a lot of patience left for them. Jesus wants me to love her/them, but right now i really feel like I can't. Actually it's probably a won't. Jane has tgruly worn out her welcome with me and it will take a long time to reset.
Some time was spent thinking about moving. I think we are going to downsize. We have had this idea for a number of years, but have never done anything about it. Now is the time. First, we need to get our house ready. We have done a fair amount of renos, but it's all the finishing touches that get left for years!
Oh, and I really think I need to have weightloss surgery. The constant roller coaster ride of emotions that I take every day when I am trying but not doing well, and then not trying because I'm not doing well then thinking I should try harder to do better, but then thinking I can't try harder because it's too hard. Or something like that. I want a chance at a "normal" life. A life where I can drive my husband's truck. Right now my legs are not long enough to compensate for how far away the seat must be in order for my belly to have enough room. I would like to go on amusement park rides without worrying that I won't fit and be thrown off. My plan is to keep with the WWonline, but pursue the surgery too.
It's bed time now.
Night night.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned until almost 5am. My mind just wouldn't get of the roller coaster of thoughts and feelings. I got up around 2am to write a letter to my small group telling them that I feel like an outcast.
A lot of time was spent on my neighbours whom I sent home when they were here playing. I felt equally justified and guilty for doing it. They are older than my kids and louder and more destructive. Their grandma is constantly coming over because she is bored. I don't have a lot of patience left for them. Jesus wants me to love her/them, but right now i really feel like I can't. Actually it's probably a won't. Jane has tgruly worn out her welcome with me and it will take a long time to reset.
Some time was spent thinking about moving. I think we are going to downsize. We have had this idea for a number of years, but have never done anything about it. Now is the time. First, we need to get our house ready. We have done a fair amount of renos, but it's all the finishing touches that get left for years!
Oh, and I really think I need to have weightloss surgery. The constant roller coaster ride of emotions that I take every day when I am trying but not doing well, and then not trying because I'm not doing well then thinking I should try harder to do better, but then thinking I can't try harder because it's too hard. Or something like that. I want a chance at a "normal" life. A life where I can drive my husband's truck. Right now my legs are not long enough to compensate for how far away the seat must be in order for my belly to have enough room. I would like to go on amusement park rides without worrying that I won't fit and be thrown off. My plan is to keep with the WWonline, but pursue the surgery too.
It's bed time now.
Night night.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
a millimetre at a time
Have you ever woken up and felt smaller? I did this morning. It's something that no one else would ever be able to tell by looking, but my brain knows that things are different.
When I had the thought "I am smaller," I immediately begin to feel around. I squeeze this part and that. Compare my love handles to what I remember them to be. I checked on my arms in the shower - yep, the crease in my skin that came from too much fat under it is smoother. It is a really nice feeling!
I have resisted the urge to get on the scale. I "feel" like it will be lower and I want to find out how much. The problem comes when it isn't lower or not as low as i thought it would be. It plays tricks with my mind! It's best to leave it tucked away in the closet until another day.
When I had the thought "I am smaller," I immediately begin to feel around. I squeeze this part and that. Compare my love handles to what I remember them to be. I checked on my arms in the shower - yep, the crease in my skin that came from too much fat under it is smoother. It is a really nice feeling!
I have resisted the urge to get on the scale. I "feel" like it will be lower and I want to find out how much. The problem comes when it isn't lower or not as low as i thought it would be. It plays tricks with my mind! It's best to leave it tucked away in the closet until another day.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
money stuff
Hey folks.
Well I did get a new camera and as soon as I figure out how to do the downloads and uploads, etc. I'll post some pics.
I wanted to write about God's provision. The last year and a bit has been quite challenging for us financially. My husband became self employed (by choice) and our income has dwindled away. It has been hard to adjust the way we live to what we are currently earning. Mentally, the thought of living on less is appealing, but practically it is a challenge. I hate having to second guess all of my purchases. And then feeling guilty when I don't. When I decide I need something - or want it, that's it. Not really a great attitude for living frugally.
So, over the last few months, we have been cutting away at our expenses trying to get them as small as possible. We refinanced our mortgage to save $300/month. I just switched gas and electricity companies - in spite of paying a hefty cancellation fee - to save over $8 a Gj on gas. We don't have a lot of tv channels. I reduced our movie subscription from $25 to $6 a month. I get my clothes at a second hand store. We accept all hand me downs gratefully. With my husband's business we actually bought a massive photocopier to save over $1000/mo. We constantly debate whether we should sell our house and buy a townhouse. Our house is not extravagant: It has only one bathroom! But if we sell it and downsize, we could put $75k against our debts.
As a Christian who believes that God will provide for us what we need, it's been hard to reconcile over the past 6 months or so as we continually dip into our line of credit. I ask, "Are we living with too many wants? Are we not good stewards of what we already have? The last month or so has given me glimpses of how God does provide for us. Just when our property tax was due, I received my tax refund. I didn't even know I was getting a refund because someone else does our taxes. In addition, my work tops up my EI payments for the first 4 months while I am on maternity leave. The first payment from work after 6 weeks arrived 5 days before the city tax bill was due. I was able to pay the property taxes and our bill and pay the entire balance on our credit card. (We only have one with a very small limit.) Praise God! I had been wondering how it was going to happen and just assumed that once more, we would use our LOC. But no, God brought money at the right time. And I just paid the bills for July and we had enough money in our account again! With the 3rd child, our child tax benefit and universal child care money has increased! Again, God providing. My husband just had a cash sale this week after a long drought. It should give him enough to pay the business bills for the month. Once again, a welcome relief.
I am getting better at buying less and using what we have. Things like making a salad because I bought lettuce!
Well I did get a new camera and as soon as I figure out how to do the downloads and uploads, etc. I'll post some pics.
I wanted to write about God's provision. The last year and a bit has been quite challenging for us financially. My husband became self employed (by choice) and our income has dwindled away. It has been hard to adjust the way we live to what we are currently earning. Mentally, the thought of living on less is appealing, but practically it is a challenge. I hate having to second guess all of my purchases. And then feeling guilty when I don't. When I decide I need something - or want it, that's it. Not really a great attitude for living frugally.
So, over the last few months, we have been cutting away at our expenses trying to get them as small as possible. We refinanced our mortgage to save $300/month. I just switched gas and electricity companies - in spite of paying a hefty cancellation fee - to save over $8 a Gj on gas. We don't have a lot of tv channels. I reduced our movie subscription from $25 to $6 a month. I get my clothes at a second hand store. We accept all hand me downs gratefully. With my husband's business we actually bought a massive photocopier to save over $1000/mo. We constantly debate whether we should sell our house and buy a townhouse. Our house is not extravagant: It has only one bathroom! But if we sell it and downsize, we could put $75k against our debts.
As a Christian who believes that God will provide for us what we need, it's been hard to reconcile over the past 6 months or so as we continually dip into our line of credit. I ask, "Are we living with too many wants? Are we not good stewards of what we already have? The last month or so has given me glimpses of how God does provide for us. Just when our property tax was due, I received my tax refund. I didn't even know I was getting a refund because someone else does our taxes. In addition, my work tops up my EI payments for the first 4 months while I am on maternity leave. The first payment from work after 6 weeks arrived 5 days before the city tax bill was due. I was able to pay the property taxes and our bill and pay the entire balance on our credit card. (We only have one with a very small limit.) Praise God! I had been wondering how it was going to happen and just assumed that once more, we would use our LOC. But no, God brought money at the right time. And I just paid the bills for July and we had enough money in our account again! With the 3rd child, our child tax benefit and universal child care money has increased! Again, God providing. My husband just had a cash sale this week after a long drought. It should give him enough to pay the business bills for the month. Once again, a welcome relief.
I am getting better at buying less and using what we have. Things like making a salad because I bought lettuce!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Hiking in the city!
Thought I would check in for today. Blogging is kind of like a new toy where I want to play with it all the time. I'm sure my posts will become less frequent with time!
Today was good. It's always nice to have a good day following a pretty nasty one.
We went to church, cleaned the house, had lunch and then went on a nice hike in the city. I picked up Lori Beattie's book "Calgary's Best Hikes and Walks" http://fitfrog.ca/calgary_hiking_guidebook.htm
Hike #1 was the Twelve Mile Coulee. It is right by my parent's place, so we parked there and started our hike. It was great! Deep into the coulee, I looked up and saw nothing but blue sky and the sides of the gorge. My 3.5 year old son had to wade through grass that was taller than he was! My daughter led the way and I figure, all tolled, we went about 4 kms round trip. The kids are great to hike with. Anada, my 5 year old keeps us going at a good pace and loves to be the first one. Alex wants to be the first one on the path, but he isn't quick enough and so we dawdle at the back. Today my husband was with us and carried Karissa in the Bjorn and kept up with Anada. We were back in less than 2 hours. Just right for us right now.
I have just been hit with the hiking bug. We were in the mountains this past week and did 2 hikes. I love being out in nature and so did the kids. They have so much energy and it was amazing to watch them deal with the obstacles of tree roots, rocks and steep paths. I am really wanting this to become a family activity that we do regularly. It's a great way to get out together and to incorporate both easy and challenging exercise at the same time.
So, I've been thinking that I should get a camera to take pictures of all these hikes and places we go and then post them here. So, I'll get a camera this week. I think we'll use our Costco rebate to pay for it!
ttys
kb
Today was good. It's always nice to have a good day following a pretty nasty one.
We went to church, cleaned the house, had lunch and then went on a nice hike in the city. I picked up Lori Beattie's book "Calgary's Best Hikes and Walks" http://fitfrog.ca/calgary_hiking_guidebook.htm
Hike #1 was the Twelve Mile Coulee. It is right by my parent's place, so we parked there and started our hike. It was great! Deep into the coulee, I looked up and saw nothing but blue sky and the sides of the gorge. My 3.5 year old son had to wade through grass that was taller than he was! My daughter led the way and I figure, all tolled, we went about 4 kms round trip. The kids are great to hike with. Anada, my 5 year old keeps us going at a good pace and loves to be the first one. Alex wants to be the first one on the path, but he isn't quick enough and so we dawdle at the back. Today my husband was with us and carried Karissa in the Bjorn and kept up with Anada. We were back in less than 2 hours. Just right for us right now.
I have just been hit with the hiking bug. We were in the mountains this past week and did 2 hikes. I love being out in nature and so did the kids. They have so much energy and it was amazing to watch them deal with the obstacles of tree roots, rocks and steep paths. I am really wanting this to become a family activity that we do regularly. It's a great way to get out together and to incorporate both easy and challenging exercise at the same time.
So, I've been thinking that I should get a camera to take pictures of all these hikes and places we go and then post them here. So, I'll get a camera this week. I think we'll use our Costco rebate to pay for it!
ttys
kb
Saturday, July 18, 2009
We'll start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start.
So, in my first post I welcomed you. What I couldn't say was that I hope you would be entertained. I like to be witty, but the topics I intend to discuss aren't typically funny. And I'm not that creative. Tonight, I'm discussing my fatness. Lucky you!
I became fat when I was 4. Kids would tease me and I never felt accepted. I look back and it seemed like I had a lot of friends, but to me they always felt vicarious. I remember asking a girl in my class if she would be my friend. I really felt alone. I was one of those desperate people and went to great lengths to try to make friends. In the dead of winter, in Saskatoon, I would walk from my house, past the school to a girl's house just to walk with her on her way to school.
I never felt accepted in my family either. My dad was fat and my mom was a serial Weight Watcher joiner. She never seemed to get where she wanted to go. For a long time I avoided anything WW because of it. Although, I seem to have gotten over it because I joined WW online last month and I quite enjoy it. Anyway, my dad would always tell me that I should lose some weight and that I should not eat whatever I was eating. Of course it was his empty wrappers that I saw and made me feel left out. My mom sent me to a nutritionist when I was 11. That's all fine and dandy, but what 11 year old is entirely responsible for the food they eat?!?!? I was not cooking my own meals! I definitely learned that this was my problem and no one was going to help me with it.
I was severely allergic as a kid, so I spent a lot of time at doctor's offices. At 10 years old, a doctor told me not to gain any weight until I was 13. Instead, I more than doubled and went from 85 to 180 with the last 30 lbs put on in one summer when I moved across the country. Can you say "Stress Eater"? High School I got up to 220, and hated every pound of it. During my 7 years of university I got up to 275. Even when I didn't have any money to buy food, I still didn't really lose any weight.
During all this time, I never dieted. I would have moments when I would try to stop myself from eating so much. Literally moments. I would forget as soon as something interesting was in front of me. I would have times where I would be active. But after I would miss one session in my plan, I usually gave up. Something inside of me told me to stay away from "Lose 10 lbs in your first month!"
I Hovered around that 275 mark until my husband and I did a diet together in 2002. I lost almost 50 lbs and felt amazing! A co-worker asked if I had a sister because he didn't recognize me. I was still 228lbs, but that didn't matter. I was maintaining the weight loss.
I got pregnant. The sad part about it is that I used the pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted. I gained over 80lbs in less than 9 months. After 3 pregnancies, I think my body does tend to gain more, but I also lose a good portion of it very quickly. 2 weeks after my first, I was down to 250. I never got back to 228. The lowest I got to was 245 when I got pregnant again. 4 years later, I didn't gain as much with my 3rd but I started out at 290. I got to 313. Again, 2 weeks later I was back down to 298.
More and more, my size is becoming an issue. I don't fit into many places that I have always fit. At restaurants, I want to sit in a chair instead of a booth. My dining room chairs dig into my thighs and leave marks. I can't drive my husband's truck because my belly is too big for my feet to reach the pedals. I'm at the top of the sizes in the plus size stores.
What I have recently come to realize is that whether for good or bad, weight, food and body image will always be in the forefront of my mind. Everything I do or don't do will be catalogued by my brain and stored to either encourage me or depress me. My past behaviour has been to give up as soon as I make a bad choice saying "I already blew it. I might as well keep going." and eat the entire package or stop exercising all together. Well, I hope that from now on, I will pick myself up and actually keep going in the right direction.
Last month I joined Weight Watchers. This is officially my 2nd time. The first was 2 years ago and I never really followed the program, but went because a friend invited me. I quit after 5 weeks. This time, 5 weeks have not even passed yet. I joined on June 23, 2009. Yet this is different. I have fallen off the wagon. I have fallen hard. But, today I got back on. I tracked my food and didn't even lie. I am keeping myself accountable. That's a first. I try to remind myself that I could be making worse choices and going even higher on the scale. And so the accountability and the frustrating bouncing of the scale is my current situation. For now, this is what progress looks like.
I became fat when I was 4. Kids would tease me and I never felt accepted. I look back and it seemed like I had a lot of friends, but to me they always felt vicarious. I remember asking a girl in my class if she would be my friend. I really felt alone. I was one of those desperate people and went to great lengths to try to make friends. In the dead of winter, in Saskatoon, I would walk from my house, past the school to a girl's house just to walk with her on her way to school.
I never felt accepted in my family either. My dad was fat and my mom was a serial Weight Watcher joiner. She never seemed to get where she wanted to go. For a long time I avoided anything WW because of it. Although, I seem to have gotten over it because I joined WW online last month and I quite enjoy it. Anyway, my dad would always tell me that I should lose some weight and that I should not eat whatever I was eating. Of course it was his empty wrappers that I saw and made me feel left out. My mom sent me to a nutritionist when I was 11. That's all fine and dandy, but what 11 year old is entirely responsible for the food they eat?!?!? I was not cooking my own meals! I definitely learned that this was my problem and no one was going to help me with it.
I was severely allergic as a kid, so I spent a lot of time at doctor's offices. At 10 years old, a doctor told me not to gain any weight until I was 13. Instead, I more than doubled and went from 85 to 180 with the last 30 lbs put on in one summer when I moved across the country. Can you say "Stress Eater"? High School I got up to 220, and hated every pound of it. During my 7 years of university I got up to 275. Even when I didn't have any money to buy food, I still didn't really lose any weight.
During all this time, I never dieted. I would have moments when I would try to stop myself from eating so much. Literally moments. I would forget as soon as something interesting was in front of me. I would have times where I would be active. But after I would miss one session in my plan, I usually gave up. Something inside of me told me to stay away from "Lose 10 lbs in your first month!"
I Hovered around that 275 mark until my husband and I did a diet together in 2002. I lost almost 50 lbs and felt amazing! A co-worker asked if I had a sister because he didn't recognize me. I was still 228lbs, but that didn't matter. I was maintaining the weight loss.
I got pregnant. The sad part about it is that I used the pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted. I gained over 80lbs in less than 9 months. After 3 pregnancies, I think my body does tend to gain more, but I also lose a good portion of it very quickly. 2 weeks after my first, I was down to 250. I never got back to 228. The lowest I got to was 245 when I got pregnant again. 4 years later, I didn't gain as much with my 3rd but I started out at 290. I got to 313. Again, 2 weeks later I was back down to 298.
More and more, my size is becoming an issue. I don't fit into many places that I have always fit. At restaurants, I want to sit in a chair instead of a booth. My dining room chairs dig into my thighs and leave marks. I can't drive my husband's truck because my belly is too big for my feet to reach the pedals. I'm at the top of the sizes in the plus size stores.
What I have recently come to realize is that whether for good or bad, weight, food and body image will always be in the forefront of my mind. Everything I do or don't do will be catalogued by my brain and stored to either encourage me or depress me. My past behaviour has been to give up as soon as I make a bad choice saying "I already blew it. I might as well keep going." and eat the entire package or stop exercising all together. Well, I hope that from now on, I will pick myself up and actually keep going in the right direction.
Last month I joined Weight Watchers. This is officially my 2nd time. The first was 2 years ago and I never really followed the program, but went because a friend invited me. I quit after 5 weeks. This time, 5 weeks have not even passed yet. I joined on June 23, 2009. Yet this is different. I have fallen off the wagon. I have fallen hard. But, today I got back on. I tracked my food and didn't even lie. I am keeping myself accountable. That's a first. I try to remind myself that I could be making worse choices and going even higher on the scale. And so the accountability and the frustrating bouncing of the scale is my current situation. For now, this is what progress looks like.
Here we go!
And so we begin.
I was going to start an electronic journal with Word and keep it on my computer. No one could read it. No one would be able to see all of my neuroses all laid bare. It would be just me and my computer.
Then I read a few blogs and thought my natterings might be well suited for a blog. If only to help me with my grammar and completing my thoughts in written form. So, if you happen to find my itsy-bitsy journal, welcome. It would be great for you to send a quick note to let me know you stopped by.
I am very unsettled today. (hence the beginning of the e-journal!) I woke up feeling not right. My husband, Norm, wanted to play. I was not in the mood. He told me I was hot. I replied he was out of his mind! When the truth is closer to the idea that I am out of mine.
The blueness has overtaken me bit by bit for the last couple of weeks. I didn't really notice until today. Long periods of time in my life have been clouded by blackness. So blue is familiar. Unwelcome, but familiar. I worry that this is the "real thing." The deep and dark secret that I am depressed.
I had my 3rd baby 2 months ago today. Postpartum depression is a hot topic. With my history of depression, everyone was hypervigilant in being on the watch this time. It was warranted because I started out very high on what I call my "stress ladder". There are only so many rungs before I fall off the top. The last 4 or 5 months I have only been one or two rungs from the top. Evidenced by blowing my top at every little inconsequential thing. I'd say I have moved down a rung since I started councelling.
Well, this has been all day. Must sign off for now.
kb
W
I was going to start an electronic journal with Word and keep it on my computer. No one could read it. No one would be able to see all of my neuroses all laid bare. It would be just me and my computer.
Then I read a few blogs and thought my natterings might be well suited for a blog. If only to help me with my grammar and completing my thoughts in written form. So, if you happen to find my itsy-bitsy journal, welcome. It would be great for you to send a quick note to let me know you stopped by.
I am very unsettled today. (hence the beginning of the e-journal!) I woke up feeling not right. My husband, Norm, wanted to play. I was not in the mood. He told me I was hot. I replied he was out of his mind! When the truth is closer to the idea that I am out of mine.
The blueness has overtaken me bit by bit for the last couple of weeks. I didn't really notice until today. Long periods of time in my life have been clouded by blackness. So blue is familiar. Unwelcome, but familiar. I worry that this is the "real thing." The deep and dark secret that I am depressed.
I had my 3rd baby 2 months ago today. Postpartum depression is a hot topic. With my history of depression, everyone was hypervigilant in being on the watch this time. It was warranted because I started out very high on what I call my "stress ladder". There are only so many rungs before I fall off the top. The last 4 or 5 months I have only been one or two rungs from the top. Evidenced by blowing my top at every little inconsequential thing. I'd say I have moved down a rung since I started councelling.
Well, this has been all day. Must sign off for now.
kb
W
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