Today I cried in church, flipped out on the kids, flipped out on the husband, had a hard time enjoying our beautiful lunch spot, took the kids to old mcdonald's for supper.
Do you see a theme? I think my hormones are wacky again.
I noticed a few months ago, now that my periods are regular, that a couple of days before that TOM comes, that I am a little looney. For example, I will not be angry, but then scream for some minor infraction. I think today was one of those days.
Of course, Norm wouldn't say. He wouldn't dare. (I actually don't think he knows about this connection yet!)
So hopefully it has now passed.
In other news...
I think we will work on installing a bathroom in our basement. We came up with the idea of getting a boarder to live with us. Someone who could use our kitchen and house generally, but have their own room in the basement. It is a nice balance between putting a suite in the basement and yet still getting some extra money coming in. In fact, room and board brings in almost as much as renting a 1 bedroom basement suite would bring. I think by the time we actually get the bathroom done, we will be too late for the back to school crowd. But we'll work on it.
In related news...
Because of Norm's road trip, our mastercard is back up again. We don't have the money to pay it off. This stresses me out. We are working so hard to be careful with our money, and then this happens. We can't afford him to be on road trips. He spent something like $400 in gas in 2 weeks! plus he has a $450 hotel bill. And his income has only been $300 for the last 2 weeks. UGG!
So, I don't want to go into debt to put in this bathroom. But I'm torn. Without it, I'm not sure we can really offer up a room which will bring us about $500 a month. But going into debt, even to do this, is a bad idea. In the past, it would have been easy for me to charge it. Now, I really want to live differently. I hate being in bondage to this monster that we created. It really feels like we will never, ever be financially free. ugg. At least I know I am spiritually free.
Last night I made my amazing choc chip cookies. I really love these. I think they are the best I have ever, ever tasted. Most people tell me the same thing. I don't keep a lot of sweets in the house. Mainly because they tend to be fairly expensive and also because I would tend to eat them all. Maybe that is why they are so expensive!
I made them because I wanted to binge. I wanted to eat something sweet and eat a lot. I wouldn't say I was stressed out, but I was definitely unsettled. I ate about 4 or 5 cookies worth of dough, I think. Then I had another few cooked. (I usually prefer the dough.) Today I was munching on them throughout the day too.
Just now, as this was going through my mind, I wondered if there is a hormonal connection. A lot of women talk about eating more junk when their period comes. Hmmm. Interesting.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
TMI alert... alert... alert...
This is something I don't share with anyone. My SIL knows but mainly from observation rather than direct conversation. My husband knows - but he's lived with me for almost 9 years. I have no idea if my parents ever knew. Or if anyone else could tell from what I was wearing.
For those of you who have been morbidly obese, this will probably not shock you. For the rest... cover your eyes.
So, I have basically worn a pad everyday of my life since I was in university. My bladder leaked all day every day. I remember wondering why I was wet in high school, how I could get everything out, but there would always be that little bit left. My pants would be damp and of course there would be an odour. I don't think I did anything about it then. I was too embarrassed to even buy pads at the time.
I was so embarrassed, I never mentioned it to my doctors. I was so embarrassed, that I have never really confessed it to anyone.
Thinking back, I started wearing pads because while the constant leaking was not nice, it was the stress incontinence from laughing or movement that was really embarrassing. I like to play games and when I would play I would usually laugh. Then I would be wet. I would think about how my pants would be able to hide the evidence. Usually I would try to be last to leave the area so no one would be able to see my behind. (even writing this now, 15-20 years later, is difficult.)
With a pad, I was usually safe even if I was laughing. Safe that is, except if it (I still can't bring myself to use the "u" word) squished up my bum. But it usually wasn't too bad. So for literally decades, I have worn a pad every day. Some days would be better than others, but when I would try to go without, I would discover that nothing had changed.
I'm not sure what weight I was - maybe somewhere around the 205 mark - I went without a pad. I remember reading about some women being cured of their stress incontinence and wondered if I had been cured of mine.
I chose a day that I didn't have to work. Because there is so much jarring, I didn't have that much faith I would be cured. That day I stayed dry. It was amazing to me. Finally I wouldn't have to have all those chemicals by my private parts all the time. So, since then, I haven't worn a pad on non-work days.
But here is the juicy part! Today was the second day I didn't wear a pad during work! Some of you know I am a letter carrier. On my route I have about 5000 stairs. I don't do them all everyday, but I probably would do 3-4000. I go fairly fast down these stairs and all the pressure from my belly would just push "it" out.
Except now, for 2 whole work days, my bladder has withstood all those G-forces! Today was a real test too. I really had to go! There aren't any pit stops, so unless I can't do anything but ask to use someone's washroom, I hold it. I made it through. Now, there was a little dampness, but that was probably more from sweat than anything else. Today, as I walked down the feminine protection isle at the grocery store, I thought to myself, "I don't need you anymore! Except for my REGULAR monthly cycle." That is extra money in my grocery budget! Yaaaayyy!
I hope I haven't scared you all off. But you know, I need to document this kind of stuff too!
ps. Since we have been talking about my nether region... I have lost weight there too. And now when I open my legs, my "lips" open too. This must happen to all women of "normal" size. Doesn't that bother you? I've been so fat, that they always stayed closed. Now when ever I stretch my legs out - like to get out of the car - I get a new, interesting sensation. Do you know about this kind of thing?
For those of you who have been morbidly obese, this will probably not shock you. For the rest... cover your eyes.
So, I have basically worn a pad everyday of my life since I was in university. My bladder leaked all day every day. I remember wondering why I was wet in high school, how I could get everything out, but there would always be that little bit left. My pants would be damp and of course there would be an odour. I don't think I did anything about it then. I was too embarrassed to even buy pads at the time.
I was so embarrassed, I never mentioned it to my doctors. I was so embarrassed, that I have never really confessed it to anyone.
Thinking back, I started wearing pads because while the constant leaking was not nice, it was the stress incontinence from laughing or movement that was really embarrassing. I like to play games and when I would play I would usually laugh. Then I would be wet. I would think about how my pants would be able to hide the evidence. Usually I would try to be last to leave the area so no one would be able to see my behind. (even writing this now, 15-20 years later, is difficult.)
With a pad, I was usually safe even if I was laughing. Safe that is, except if it (I still can't bring myself to use the "u" word) squished up my bum. But it usually wasn't too bad. So for literally decades, I have worn a pad every day. Some days would be better than others, but when I would try to go without, I would discover that nothing had changed.
I'm not sure what weight I was - maybe somewhere around the 205 mark - I went without a pad. I remember reading about some women being cured of their stress incontinence and wondered if I had been cured of mine.
I chose a day that I didn't have to work. Because there is so much jarring, I didn't have that much faith I would be cured. That day I stayed dry. It was amazing to me. Finally I wouldn't have to have all those chemicals by my private parts all the time. So, since then, I haven't worn a pad on non-work days.
But here is the juicy part! Today was the second day I didn't wear a pad during work! Some of you know I am a letter carrier. On my route I have about 5000 stairs. I don't do them all everyday, but I probably would do 3-4000. I go fairly fast down these stairs and all the pressure from my belly would just push "it" out.
Except now, for 2 whole work days, my bladder has withstood all those G-forces! Today was a real test too. I really had to go! There aren't any pit stops, so unless I can't do anything but ask to use someone's washroom, I hold it. I made it through. Now, there was a little dampness, but that was probably more from sweat than anything else. Today, as I walked down the feminine protection isle at the grocery store, I thought to myself, "I don't need you anymore! Except for my REGULAR monthly cycle." That is extra money in my grocery budget! Yaaaayyy!
I hope I haven't scared you all off. But you know, I need to document this kind of stuff too!
ps. Since we have been talking about my nether region... I have lost weight there too. And now when I open my legs, my "lips" open too. This must happen to all women of "normal" size. Doesn't that bother you? I've been so fat, that they always stayed closed. Now when ever I stretch my legs out - like to get out of the car - I get a new, interesting sensation. Do you know about this kind of thing?
Saturday, July 17, 2010
earbuds
So, I have had a couple of iPods over the years. The first one died on me. The 2nd one fell down a drain in the middle of winter. Because the snow was white and the iPod was white, I had little chance of seeing it. The latest one I have had for a surprisingly long time... about 3 years. I bought it with my airmiles. (It's a turquoise green colour.)
One thing I go through is earphones. I have never liked the earbuds that come with the iPods. They hurt my ear and never really stayed where they should. I never knew how everyone could use theirs because mine were so uncomfortable. Instead I would buy the over the ear kind so that they would hang on by themselves instead of having to "balance" in my ear.
My earphones only last a little while - less than a year for sure. Maybe more like 6 months. The wires would get bent or something. The sound would start to get scratchy then there would be no sound at all. This happened to me at work on Thursday. About half way through my route, I lost my connection.
I don't really want to buy a new set because I don't know where we would take the money from. Last week I spent $30 of my grocery money for a new sprinkler and hose. Our extras jar doesn't have a lot of extras either. It's not a need, but quite a big WANT.
A while ago, I had rounded up my unused earbuds from my ipods and tried to freecycle them. The guy never came to pick them up. They have been sitting on my kitchen counter for months as I thought about what to do with them. I didn't want to throw them out. I was probably going to refreecycle them, but hadn't gotten around to it yet.
So I pulled them out. I was pretty leery at first. Expecting the pressure and then pain of the earbud in my ear. I was waiting for them to keep falling out every time I moved my head. Surprise, surprise, they didn't!
As I was marvelling about this, it came to mind that I guess I had FAT EARS! My mom always told me I have small ears - as in they are less than 3 inches high, and that is what I attributed the bad-fitting earbuds to. Now I know the truth! Even my ears were fat. I guess it makes sense, but I still shake my head in wonder. huh! Who ever heard of fat ears?!?!?!?!?
One thing I go through is earphones. I have never liked the earbuds that come with the iPods. They hurt my ear and never really stayed where they should. I never knew how everyone could use theirs because mine were so uncomfortable. Instead I would buy the over the ear kind so that they would hang on by themselves instead of having to "balance" in my ear.
My earphones only last a little while - less than a year for sure. Maybe more like 6 months. The wires would get bent or something. The sound would start to get scratchy then there would be no sound at all. This happened to me at work on Thursday. About half way through my route, I lost my connection.
I don't really want to buy a new set because I don't know where we would take the money from. Last week I spent $30 of my grocery money for a new sprinkler and hose. Our extras jar doesn't have a lot of extras either. It's not a need, but quite a big WANT.
A while ago, I had rounded up my unused earbuds from my ipods and tried to freecycle them. The guy never came to pick them up. They have been sitting on my kitchen counter for months as I thought about what to do with them. I didn't want to throw them out. I was probably going to refreecycle them, but hadn't gotten around to it yet.
So I pulled them out. I was pretty leery at first. Expecting the pressure and then pain of the earbud in my ear. I was waiting for them to keep falling out every time I moved my head. Surprise, surprise, they didn't!
As I was marvelling about this, it came to mind that I guess I had FAT EARS! My mom always told me I have small ears - as in they are less than 3 inches high, and that is what I attributed the bad-fitting earbuds to. Now I know the truth! Even my ears were fat. I guess it makes sense, but I still shake my head in wonder. huh! Who ever heard of fat ears?!?!?!?!?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
It's all about the numbers
I weigh everyday. Naked, after I have peed, when I first get out of bed.
It is a struggle to see the numbers. Some days they are not going down fast enough, sometimes they are going up and sometimes they stay the same for way (weigh) too long.
As I mentioned before, last week I started gaining a few pounds. A big chunk of that is not working. Walking 3 hours has it's benefits! But I have been eating too much - and too much junk in particular - to maintain where I am now. The sad part is that I still have 50 pounds to lose!
But for me, I think it is important to weigh every day. I want to learn that it is just a number. Normal women's weight fluctuates and so will mine.
Ok. That might just be a rationalization. I can probably learn as much from not weighing as from weighing. But I like knowing my number. Self esteem issues be darned.
It is a struggle to see the numbers. Some days they are not going down fast enough, sometimes they are going up and sometimes they stay the same for way (weigh) too long.
As I mentioned before, last week I started gaining a few pounds. A big chunk of that is not working. Walking 3 hours has it's benefits! But I have been eating too much - and too much junk in particular - to maintain where I am now. The sad part is that I still have 50 pounds to lose!
But for me, I think it is important to weigh every day. I want to learn that it is just a number. Normal women's weight fluctuates and so will mine.
Ok. That might just be a rationalization. I can probably learn as much from not weighing as from weighing. But I like knowing my number. Self esteem issues be darned.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
"You're not fat anymore"
This caught me completely by surprise. While we were at the beach yesterday, my friend said this to me, "Well one thing we can say for sure is that you are not fat anymore."
It was like a spring was attached to my head as it spun around.
It's funny that she would say this now. It has been the last couple of weeks that I have felt *FAT* again. My loss has really slowed and the last few days I am up 2 lbs. My belly looks fuller and the skin seems to be not as wrinkled.
I have been on holidays 3 out of the last 4 weeks. So, I am not walking for 3 hours a day and my eating is worse because I am grazing. I have been making more cookies and muffins and that kind of stuff for the kids but also as gifts (since our money is so tight these days) and as I make them I also eat them.
Now, the work begins. The mental work of planning and making good choices. The physical work of planned and scheduled exercise.
To be honest I'm not looking forward to it. It just brings back a lot of memories of defeat and helplessness.
Maybe it doesn't have to be that way this time.
It was like a spring was attached to my head as it spun around.
It's funny that she would say this now. It has been the last couple of weeks that I have felt *FAT* again. My loss has really slowed and the last few days I am up 2 lbs. My belly looks fuller and the skin seems to be not as wrinkled.
I have been on holidays 3 out of the last 4 weeks. So, I am not walking for 3 hours a day and my eating is worse because I am grazing. I have been making more cookies and muffins and that kind of stuff for the kids but also as gifts (since our money is so tight these days) and as I make them I also eat them.
Now, the work begins. The mental work of planning and making good choices. The physical work of planned and scheduled exercise.
To be honest I'm not looking forward to it. It just brings back a lot of memories of defeat and helplessness.
Maybe it doesn't have to be that way this time.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Beach day!
Hi!
I just got back from a wonderful day at the beach. We went to Dickson point on Glennifer Lake. It was a bit of a drive, but the beach was perfect with sand to play, cool water and even a tree for shade. It wasn't very busy even on a hot summer day. Later in the day when the storm clouds threatened to come our way, we light a fire and roasted marshmallows just back from the beach. It was perfect.
Definitely a place to check out if you are in southern/central Alberta.
Here's a link for a bit more info.
http://sunsite.ualberta.ca/Projects/Alberta-Lakes/view/?region=South%20Saskatchewan%20Region&basin=Red%20Deer%20River%20Basin&lake=Gleniffer%20Lake&number=101
I just got back from a wonderful day at the beach. We went to Dickson point on Glennifer Lake. It was a bit of a drive, but the beach was perfect with sand to play, cool water and even a tree for shade. It wasn't very busy even on a hot summer day. Later in the day when the storm clouds threatened to come our way, we light a fire and roasted marshmallows just back from the beach. It was perfect.
Definitely a place to check out if you are in southern/central Alberta.
Here's a link for a bit more info.
http://sunsite.ualberta.ca/Projects/Alberta-Lakes/view/?region=South%20Saskatchewan%20Region&basin=Red%20Deer%20River%20Basin&lake=Gleniffer%20Lake&number=101
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Obsessed
I've started watching a bit more tv lately. I guess it is in place of my computer time as I've been cutting that back a bit.
Monday nights are one of my favourite tv nights. I keep it on A&E all night. Last night I watched 2 episodes of Obsessed back to back. I would have continued with Intervention, but it was one I already saw and shock of shocks, I turned the tv off.
Something about these shows really resonates with me. The addictions, the compulsions, the helplessness. I watch the people and get glimpses of myself and my state of mind. I see how bad their situations are and wonder how long it would take me to get to the same place. Sometimes I know I am already past them.
I am coming up to a new place in my eating where I am able to eat more. I am able to tolerate most foods. Not much seems to get stuck anymore. The other day we were out visiting and I ate an entire sandwich for lunch. Mind you, it wasn't one of those HUGE sandwiches - just 2 pieces of bread, some cucumber, tomato, and a few slices of meat. But I ate the whole thing. I was kind of surprised. Was it too much? Should I have eaten that much?
Lately I have been eating a lot more carbs. I have not been drinking en0ugh water or eating enough protein. The rules that I was able to ignore earlier out, are starting to become important. I now need to make an effort to eat my protein first, limit starchy carbs and almost eliminate sugar. (Did you catch that?!?!? I said "almost eliminate." I can't even type the idea that I have to give up sugar!)
Some of my old bad habits are creeping back in - like eating whatever it is that is out. I made rice krispie squares for the kids yesterday. I didn't pack them up so they were out of sight. Instead I kept on taking a bit here and a bit there. Then a few minutes later, a bit more. I ate about 1/2 the pan. Finally, this morning (after eating some) I put them in bags for the kids. Almost instantly, I was able to not eat them. Once I had gone through the motion of putting them away, they were out of my mind.
Last night when I got home with the kids, Norm had popcorn out. I hadn't even been thinking of popcorn. But since I saw it and smelled it, then I had to have some. I popped my own and then melted some extra butter to put on top. I ate it while watching Obsessed.
In my past, I was definitely on the "see food" diet. You know, whatever I saw I ate. Or, if I didn't eat it then, I would search it out later. Of course always eating way more than my share.
This is where my new thought has come in. The treatment for the people who have OCD on Obsessed is "exposure therapy." Where the therapist walks them through something they would normally compulse and obsess about. Except that they aren't allowed to follow through with what they want to do. It causes a lot of stress and anxiety. They then have to sit with the feelings until they diminish.
I'm thinking that this might be something I could work on in relation to my food. As I blogged about earlier, food - especially sugary food - has a strong attraction for me. When I try to avoid the food, I become anxious. The anxiety heightens until I eat some. And usually, I am not able to control the amount I eat after I start.
After having gastric bypass, I felt so free from this compulsion to eat. I couldn't believe how I didn't even want to eat. I didn't really think it would return. Now that it has, I need to find a solution to deal with it. I need to be able to leave food on the counter without it having so much power over me. Maybe this exposure therapy can help.
Ok. Now I feel like "bad" Christian. I also believe that this compulsion is spiritual in nature and that food in my life is not yet under the Lordship of Christ. Why would I need exposure therapy when Christ is all sufficient? When I depose food from it's place of worship in my life, wouldn't that take care of it? *SIGH* I don't know.
Monday nights are one of my favourite tv nights. I keep it on A&E all night. Last night I watched 2 episodes of Obsessed back to back. I would have continued with Intervention, but it was one I already saw and shock of shocks, I turned the tv off.
Something about these shows really resonates with me. The addictions, the compulsions, the helplessness. I watch the people and get glimpses of myself and my state of mind. I see how bad their situations are and wonder how long it would take me to get to the same place. Sometimes I know I am already past them.
I am coming up to a new place in my eating where I am able to eat more. I am able to tolerate most foods. Not much seems to get stuck anymore. The other day we were out visiting and I ate an entire sandwich for lunch. Mind you, it wasn't one of those HUGE sandwiches - just 2 pieces of bread, some cucumber, tomato, and a few slices of meat. But I ate the whole thing. I was kind of surprised. Was it too much? Should I have eaten that much?
Lately I have been eating a lot more carbs. I have not been drinking en0ugh water or eating enough protein. The rules that I was able to ignore earlier out, are starting to become important. I now need to make an effort to eat my protein first, limit starchy carbs and almost eliminate sugar. (Did you catch that?!?!? I said "almost eliminate." I can't even type the idea that I have to give up sugar!)
Some of my old bad habits are creeping back in - like eating whatever it is that is out. I made rice krispie squares for the kids yesterday. I didn't pack them up so they were out of sight. Instead I kept on taking a bit here and a bit there. Then a few minutes later, a bit more. I ate about 1/2 the pan. Finally, this morning (after eating some) I put them in bags for the kids. Almost instantly, I was able to not eat them. Once I had gone through the motion of putting them away, they were out of my mind.
Last night when I got home with the kids, Norm had popcorn out. I hadn't even been thinking of popcorn. But since I saw it and smelled it, then I had to have some. I popped my own and then melted some extra butter to put on top. I ate it while watching Obsessed.
In my past, I was definitely on the "see food" diet. You know, whatever I saw I ate. Or, if I didn't eat it then, I would search it out later. Of course always eating way more than my share.
This is where my new thought has come in. The treatment for the people who have OCD on Obsessed is "exposure therapy." Where the therapist walks them through something they would normally compulse and obsess about. Except that they aren't allowed to follow through with what they want to do. It causes a lot of stress and anxiety. They then have to sit with the feelings until they diminish.
I'm thinking that this might be something I could work on in relation to my food. As I blogged about earlier, food - especially sugary food - has a strong attraction for me. When I try to avoid the food, I become anxious. The anxiety heightens until I eat some. And usually, I am not able to control the amount I eat after I start.
After having gastric bypass, I felt so free from this compulsion to eat. I couldn't believe how I didn't even want to eat. I didn't really think it would return. Now that it has, I need to find a solution to deal with it. I need to be able to leave food on the counter without it having so much power over me. Maybe this exposure therapy can help.
Ok. Now I feel like "bad" Christian. I also believe that this compulsion is spiritual in nature and that food in my life is not yet under the Lordship of Christ. Why would I need exposure therapy when Christ is all sufficient? When I depose food from it's place of worship in my life, wouldn't that take care of it? *SIGH* I don't know.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
life and stuff
I am slowly getting the hang of being alone. But not entirely alone, that would be fun. No, this is alone with 3 mini-me's. It's funny, because I say this after Norm has been home most of the week! But last week he was gone 7 nights in a row.
Basically it comes down to the fact that I always seem to want what I don't have. When I was home full time, I wanted some time away from the family. Now that I am working full time and away, I wouldn't mind being home full time. Actually, it's not quite like that. It's that I would like to not have the same workload at home when I get home from full time job that I used to have when I didn't have full time job. Hmmmm. This is sounding vaguely familiar. Have I posted about this a time or TEN!
I don't think Norm pulls his weight when it comes to the house. His time with the kids and at home is usually spent organizing his office or watching movies with the kids. When I am at home, I am doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, getting the kids to do their chores, laundry, or whiling away the hours online. (I AM working on cutting back - seriously!)
Here is where the rubber meets the road. I am very selfish. "Doesn't he know that I work fulltime? Doesn't he feel the pressure to cook and clean and have the house somewhat organized for at least 30 seconds during the day? Why should I have to come home and do all the stuff I used to do without the job? I am tired when I come home!" are just a few of the things that run through my head at any given point in the afternoon/evening as i do the things to manage the house. But I guess I have to accept some sort of new normal where I need to do more. I need to require more of myself. I might be getting closer to the acceptance of the new normal, but it is reluctant. I'm sure there has been much kicking and screaming along the way too.
I'm taking the 2 older kids camping with my SIL /bff tomorrow for the night. We are just going for one night this time and maybe it will lead to more. Before we had kids I really enjoyed camping (ie. tenting) but Norm wasn't so keen. We went a couple of times. Since kids, I don't think I have tented at all. The kids are really excited. While I tend to think that it will be more work, I am excited too. It is nice to get away and enjoy creation. Reconnect with things a bit more naturally. I'll let you know how it goes.
We are in the 4th week of our new budget. Things are going well. I think. It's starting to get harder now. Where there are things we "need" but aren't in the budget. Last week, there was only money left in the transportation budget. That is also meant to carry over to pay for repairs and maintenance. Norm used some of that money for an afternoon of fun with his office. I have used some of the money floating around to pay for extras. We are starting to run out of the floating money too.
Being mature sucks! Since my surgery, I have matured. I am more willing and able to delay gratification. I can do what needs to be done instead of leaving it because I don't' want to do it. I haven't touched my cross stitch. I haven't read much lately. There might be time, but right now I am spending all of my "spare" time on the computer. If I gave up my computer time, I could read or cross stitch. Or, I could start some projects to finish the house. (Did I mention that part of our budget includes selling the house?)
Having said that, I have reverted back to some of my more immature eating habits. Today I bought candy. I have been eating it all day today. Granted, I would have finished it all already 8 months ago. But I know better now. I know I have a choice. I know what I need to eat to nourish my body. I know I need to be choosy about what I put in my mouth. I don't even like the candy I have been eating, but I have been eating it anyway. Shame on me! I do know better. Why am I not doing it?!?!? Time to go back for a talk with the shrink!
Wow. I wrote another book. Sorry. Maybe I should try writing something even when I don't think I have anything to write. Then they will actually be a more manageable size!
Well, I guess I should go do the dishes now. yippee...
Basically it comes down to the fact that I always seem to want what I don't have. When I was home full time, I wanted some time away from the family. Now that I am working full time and away, I wouldn't mind being home full time. Actually, it's not quite like that. It's that I would like to not have the same workload at home when I get home from full time job that I used to have when I didn't have full time job. Hmmmm. This is sounding vaguely familiar. Have I posted about this a time or TEN!
I don't think Norm pulls his weight when it comes to the house. His time with the kids and at home is usually spent organizing his office or watching movies with the kids. When I am at home, I am doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, getting the kids to do their chores, laundry, or whiling away the hours online. (I AM working on cutting back - seriously!)
Here is where the rubber meets the road. I am very selfish. "Doesn't he know that I work fulltime? Doesn't he feel the pressure to cook and clean and have the house somewhat organized for at least 30 seconds during the day? Why should I have to come home and do all the stuff I used to do without the job? I am tired when I come home!" are just a few of the things that run through my head at any given point in the afternoon/evening as i do the things to manage the house. But I guess I have to accept some sort of new normal where I need to do more. I need to require more of myself. I might be getting closer to the acceptance of the new normal, but it is reluctant. I'm sure there has been much kicking and screaming along the way too.
I'm taking the 2 older kids camping with my SIL /bff tomorrow for the night. We are just going for one night this time and maybe it will lead to more. Before we had kids I really enjoyed camping (ie. tenting) but Norm wasn't so keen. We went a couple of times. Since kids, I don't think I have tented at all. The kids are really excited. While I tend to think that it will be more work, I am excited too. It is nice to get away and enjoy creation. Reconnect with things a bit more naturally. I'll let you know how it goes.
We are in the 4th week of our new budget. Things are going well. I think. It's starting to get harder now. Where there are things we "need" but aren't in the budget. Last week, there was only money left in the transportation budget. That is also meant to carry over to pay for repairs and maintenance. Norm used some of that money for an afternoon of fun with his office. I have used some of the money floating around to pay for extras. We are starting to run out of the floating money too.
Being mature sucks! Since my surgery, I have matured. I am more willing and able to delay gratification. I can do what needs to be done instead of leaving it because I don't' want to do it. I haven't touched my cross stitch. I haven't read much lately. There might be time, but right now I am spending all of my "spare" time on the computer. If I gave up my computer time, I could read or cross stitch. Or, I could start some projects to finish the house. (Did I mention that part of our budget includes selling the house?)
Having said that, I have reverted back to some of my more immature eating habits. Today I bought candy. I have been eating it all day today. Granted, I would have finished it all already 8 months ago. But I know better now. I know I have a choice. I know what I need to eat to nourish my body. I know I need to be choosy about what I put in my mouth. I don't even like the candy I have been eating, but I have been eating it anyway. Shame on me! I do know better. Why am I not doing it?!?!? Time to go back for a talk with the shrink!
Wow. I wrote another book. Sorry. Maybe I should try writing something even when I don't think I have anything to write. Then they will actually be a more manageable size!
Well, I guess I should go do the dishes now. yippee...
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