BAD! Bad Mother! (warning: extremely lengthy)

This week I had a couple of amazing , completely scale focused victories and then another non-scale victory.

Remember this day: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 - I, kb, weighed less than my hubby for the first time ever!!! This was very exciting. With kids, we talk about who is the biggest in the family. And it is always daddy then mommy then the kids. I have always been uncomfortable in this situation because I knew I was the biggest. Daddy was the tallest, but I was the biggest. It's not something I wanted to admit to anyone but myself so I would never talk about it much. But as of Wednesday, daddy IS the biggest! It's funny, because today we were tied. Norm said I couldn't say I was smaller than him because we were now tied. I had to explain to him very slowly and carefully that I am in possession of the smallest Title. In order for him to earn the title back, he has to go even lower than me. He can't just tie me and expect to have it for himself. As I always remind him: If he had started his diet when I suggested he start, he wouldn't have had to worry about this. At least for a few more pounds.

Then, the next day, my 4 month surgiversary (thanks for reminding me to take pictures tonight!), I was 228.8. This is another milestone for me because it is the number I was at before I got pregnant with my first. I was 228 after losing about 50 lbs. Once I go under this one, I'm in new territory as an adult. I figure I was in my 220's around grade 12 and Bible college and probably 1st year university. During BLTS, I was able to squeeze into an XL from the regular stores, but it was tight. I remember at the beginning of 2nd yr university, I moved up to a size 22 - I hadn't been that high before. Right now, I'm probably a size 20 bottom. I don't have any size 20's, but my 22's are getting loose. I'm trying to make do with what I have until I can reasonably fit into the 18's in my closet. The sad parts are the changes that have happened since having 3 kids. I figure that my belly is a good 4 inches bigger than it was before kids. So, even though I'm the same number, it's not all back to where it was before.

My NSV came at the gym yesterday. Did I tell you I started to jog? My physiotherapist gave me a chart on how to learn to run from the beginning. run 1 minute, walk 4. Do this 4 times. Do it 3 times a week. The next week run 2 mins, walk 3. and so on. So, I tried it out. The kids wanted to play at a park, so I thought I would go for a walk. While I was walking I had a brainwave and tried this out. I was shocked that I could even run for one minute straight. It didn't hurt. I didn't think I would die. I made it through. I even did it the 4 times! I was quite impressed with myself. I continued to jog - although not everytime I exercised. But on Thursday at the gym, I did a very short workout - only 6 - 10 reps and only 1 set - and then I did a tiny bit of cardio. I got on the treadmill and started jogging. I thought, hey! it's time I tried for 2 mins. I was able to do it. Now, let me assure you, I am not going fast. No more than 5 miles an hour. a 12 minute mile. (The guy on the treadmill in front of me was doing 7 minute miles.) But still, I did 2 minutes. I went for my 2nd round, but my back was too sore. I go back to physio on Monday and I need it. I'll ask him about all the jarring. The plan is to ensure a pain free experience.

I was so excited. In the locker room after my 2 minutes, I met a friend and we were able to chat for a minute. Then I chatted with the childcare worker for a bit. I was actually trying to get home fast, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I think I had a divine appointment I needed to wait for.

So, on the way out to the van from the gym, I had my baby in my arm, the diaper bag on my shoulder, my gym bag in one hand and then my son walking along. For the life of me, I couldn't keep baby up, she kept slipping. Please let me explain, that my gym makes you workout before you workout. There are at least 30 stairs to climb when you come in and 30 on the way out. So, trying to get everyone and everything to the van after a workout is almost harder than climbing the stairs on the way in.

I need to preface this next part. I am embarrassed and ashamed and feel (felt?) completely judged by what I am about to share. It was definitely not one of my better parenting moments. I am sharing it because of God's power and glory and how, just an hour ago, He absolutely and completely humbled me with his grace and mercy.

As we approach the van, my son says, "I have to go pee!" I haven't noticed his pee-pee dance yet, but later I found out that some had already got out. I was feeling buoyant with all of the things I described earlier, but overwhelmed at just getting to the van. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I would be able to make it back into the gym, to the toilet for my son to actually use it. I also didn't think I would be able to make it with my hands and arms already in fatigue just getting to where we were. I made the decision to let him pee in front of the van. (That was the not-so-stellar parenting moment.)

I got the baby in and bags in and then turned to deal with said situation. My plan was to get him a little isolated to he wouldn't just be in the middle of the parking lot peeing. As I turned to get him, he had already dropped his pants. Out it started to come.

I was embarrassed as vehicles went by. It is a small parking lot that is always full. At first I was glad there was an open spot beside my van to open my humongous doors. But then someone waited for my son to finish his job and then for us all to get in and close the door in order to use the spot beside me. I didn't want to make eye contact. Like I said, not my proudest moment. But I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

She was saying something to me, but her window was closed. I said "pardon?" (bad decision number 2) She rolled down her window and said "That is DISGUSTING! I can't believe you did that."

Oh my goodness. My heart was pounding. Before I knew it, I was at her shiny, white SUV passenger door talking very loudly in my "I'm about to lose it with a stranger voice." What am I supposed to do? I asked. I have 2 kids, and he had to go and...

Well, I have 3 kids. What if everyone did that? That's gross. - shaking head in utter disgust

I'm sorry if I offended you. That was not what I was trying to do. This is not something I normally do. I am just doing the best I can. I am just doing the best I can! What am I supposed to do?!?!?!? - Arms flailing and voice very high by this point.

She continues her head shaking and rolls up her window.

A 10 second interaction has completely ruined my day. All the joy I had felt previously was gone. For the remainder of the day (yesterday) it affected my mood and dominated my thoughts. Today, it would surface now and then, and wreak havoc, but only occasionally.

All day Thursday I was trying to figure out why I was so riled up. It was over. We may never cross paths again. (hopefully) How come my heart was still beating so fast? Why was I so anxious about it? I settled on the words I mentioned earlier: judged, embarrassed and ashamed.

This woman totally judged me based on that one thing. So just to get even, here are my judgements of her. She says she has 3 kids, but they were not with her at the gym in the middle of the day. Her SUV was clean and new. She has no idea that we had no money for groceries this week. I imagine that money is not a problem for her. She doesn't know what I have gone through the last year. She doesn't know that I have lost 91 pounds in 4 months. She doesn't know me. How dare she judge me and tell me that what I did was disgusting.

I am totally embarrassed by this too. When I think about sharing with friends, I hold myself back. I don't want to admit that I let my son pee in the parking lot. (I almost didn't share it here because more people are asking for the address.) I did it because it was easiest for me and better than telling my son to hold it until he eventually would pee his pants.

The shame is deep. Not only what I did was disgusting, but I am disgusting. Only a disgusting person would allow that to happen. Only a disgusting person would let themselves get so fat. Only a disgusting person could be so unlovable as me. This shame is not on the surface very much. But is something that is deep in my heart. As I write this, the physical pain is deep inside my ribcage.

I have been praying for emotional healing and for God to bring up what needs attention. Shame will be a big one.

Now we have to take a step back into my Lent story. The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I find that I am much more lax on the internet rules. I will search this or that. I'll look up just this one thing. Or I will follow a link because it came to me in my email, which I am allowed to do. Also, my working to see the wonder has been falling off too. I will do a bit, but won't delve in to far. I cut my prayers short for a break. I have missed a few days altogether this week.

Tonight Norm is working (I need to write about that another time.) The kids are sleeping and it is quiet. I turn on my iPod and cross stitch for a while. I have really been missing it. There just isn't enough time to do it, even with limited internet and no tv.

As I'm stitching, I'm thinking about doing my homework. I haven't done it lately. But I convince myself that I need to follow through on the working to see the wonder. I need to do the work. (The study I am doing now is Loving Well by Beth Moore. It is so amazing how God orchestrates exactly what I need to learn at specific times.) So I pull out the journal and start working.

Thoughts of this event keep running through my mind. So I stop to deal with it. I have been praying for Truth. I ask for more Truth.

I sit there and realize that God allowed this to happen. If he is in control, which I believe he is, then he either wanted this or allowed this. He knew it would happen. That really floored me. He is supposed to PROTECT me! He is supposed to care for me. He is supposed to heal me. I am supposed to feel safe with him. How can I feel safe when he allows this to happen? He allowed someone to judge me and make me embarrassed and feel ashamed. Why? I was upset.

Earlier today, on a podcast, the pastor mentioned going to John 8 to learn about demons. God was telling me to read this now. I don't remember the connection to the demon reference - oh, maybe it was being attacked or something like that. Anyway, the pastor didn't give the reference, so I just read from verse 12. Right away, in verse 15, Jesus is telling me "I judge no one." I started bawling. I can feel judged all I want, and others can judge me all they want, but Jesus judges no one!! He doesn't judge me. I was finally able to tell myself that what I did, might not have been the best, but it was NOT a sin. Jesus didn't judge me. Hallelujah! I sat with that for a bit, then I kept reading.

In verse 29 was another doozie. "He has not left me alone." After feeling the abandonment of God, that I couldn't trust him if he would allow this, I read that He has not left me alone, even in this!!! Wow! This utterly changed my spirit. I was free! I am free.

God used these events to break one of my spiritual bondages. I wonder if I have felt abandoned by God for most of my life. It really resonated with me when I thought it and prayed about it.
I have felt isolated from most people for most of my life and abandoned by God when I have asked him for help over and over and over again. I pray that this new truth will be life altering.



Well, it has taken me almost 2 hours to write this. It needed to be written as a memorial to what God is doing. AMEN

Progress report

We are 2 weeks into lent. As stated, I have given up tv watching and computer use other than writing this amazing blog and doing email. The tv has been ok. I watched the gold medal hockey game with my husband (he taped it, so we watched it after the kids went to bed.) and then a show after that. Oh yeah, it was Amazing Race. Those cowboys are fun!

Giving up the tv hasn't been that much of a challenge. The tv is downstairs. None of my life is downstairs except for laundry. There is nothing to draw me downstairs unless it is watching tv. I like a few shows, but it's not as compulsive as it used to be. I knew this and that was why I also felt I needed to give up my computer time. That has been another story.

It has not been easy. I have relaxed the rules about only checking my email once a day. Now I check it a number of times a day - not that there is anything that exciting in there - and I have used the computer a few times other than writing. Tonight I watched Carnie Wilson on Dr Oz someone has posted it on her blog. A couple of days ago, I researched activity classes with the city for the kids. I registered them for swimming. I have read a couple of blogs as I have gone to post my own. I think there were a couple of other times, but I can't remember exactly when or what.

Not having my computer access has left me feeling frustrated and isolated and much less informed. I get a lot of my news and information and general living stuff online. When someone says to check out a website, I can't. If I want to find out the answer to something I can't. I went to get the paper copy of the program guide for the activities and they were out. What was I supposed to do to find out about the programs coming up? The new spring guide will be out tomorrow, I think, and so I can have a copy to register for later programs. But I really felt helpless. I really depend on this connection.

Another area I have really felt the loss is in support of my surgery. I haven't heard of any local support groups. I love bariatrictv.com. I am not able to go there to ask questions or offer help to anyone else. I have been in a food funk and not wanting to cook. Part of that is I get my recipes online. I have no cookbooks.

Has giving this up brought me to prayer? I would have to say yes. Since I am not spending my time online, I have the time to spend learning and praying. I will often take upwards of 2 hours to do my "homework." I have tried to remind myself that my Saviour was beaten within an inch of his life and then crucified with the burden of all the sins in the world on his shoulders. He felt abandoned by his Father. He willingly gave his life to save mine. Thank you, Jesus! Not going online is no big deal.