Bucking up

Finally an update. It has been pretty busy in my life lately.

Almost a week ago, was my 2 month surgiversary. As I've said before, it hasn't been easy, but some of the things that were hard are getting easier. Things like it no longer feels like I have splinters of wood poking out of my stomach every time I eat. Also, I am better able to read my body signals for fullness and sickness. When it comes to fullness, I have noticed that even though I think I'm full, I will still take another bite or 2 just to test it out. "Maybe I'm not really full." says the old brain. Learning to stop is a challenge. But also, sometimes I do need to push through the first part of the meal before my pouch accepts the last part. It's almost as if my pouch has a closed sign on it and won't switch it to open until it has been shown that what's going down isn't so bad.

I haven't been sick for quite a while. I threw up the other day after drinking fairly fast in order to get a vitamin unstuck from my throat. It was stuck for a couple of days. The throwing up actually helped, so I didn't mind. But other than that, it's probably been a few weeks. I can't remember exactly. Tonight I felt a bit nauseous after eating a cup of cream of chicken soup. It was quite good, but I think there were too many carbs for me to eat at once.

Speaking of soup... This is currently my favourite meal. It is warm, and soft and it goes down so nicely! I made a cream of broccoli soup from scratch last week and it was amazing. It is thickened with a bit of flour, but there are grated carrots in it, so they help to thicken it too. Also, the carrots look like cheese, so your brain is fooled into thinking you are eating cheese, when you aren't! The recipe is at www.eatingwelllivingthin.wordpress.com I am new to her blog, but I will definitely have to spend more time there as she has some really great meals.

The other reason I'm fond of soup is that it is more like drinking than eating and I don't feel like eating. I've been trying quite a few new recipes lately, and very few of them actually appeal to me. I will have my 1 inch square, but then not want to eat it again. (not good for dealing with leftovers.) I feel my jaw clenching shut as if to say, I will not eat. You can't make me! I've been told that the hunger does come back and to enjoy this time of not wanting to eat, but... It feels so odd to not want to eat. To almost be repulsed by food. I've always been repulsed by me when it comes to food, not the food itself! Repulsed by what I ate, or how much I ate or how fast or where I ate, or where I got the food from (ie. the garbage) or how I felt after I ate. I would never look at the food and think, I can't even imagine putting you in my mouth.

In addition, my calorie consumption is still pretty low. I figure I eat somewhere between 400 to 600 calories a day depending on how many peanuts I have. (1/3 cup of the honey roasted ones I have are 300 calories. So, if I have a full serving or a bit more, then my count will be higher.) 200 calories come from my protein drinks.

So let's talk about someone else's eating problems.

My son is refusing to eat almost anything that is put before him as a meal. He is 4 and whatever the food is, he says he doesn't like it. I have never forced my kids to finish their plate or eat what they truly don't like (but I don't make separate food for them either), but I do make them take one bite of whatever it is they have been served. Alex will fight this, but tonight he did it because I told him he couldn't leave the table until he finished his bites. I am also considering cutting out his mid morning and afternoon snacks so that he will be very hungry at meal time. He lives for his snacks right now. They aren't the worst snacks he could be having, but they are not veggies! His favourite is pudding, closely followed by anything else with sugar. I'll have to buck up and really work on a plan for him. Right now it's just a lot easier to let him have what he wants. I really hope this is a phase!!!

I've also been busy going to the gym! YAY! We (Norm and I) signed up in October and I hadn't been since October. We decided to start going while Alex is in school. It's been good. I have been 4 times. I already feel more fit and stronger. I haven't been that sore, but a little just to remind me of what I'm working on. It's not a pretty gym, but the other patrons seems really neat. It's like a little family of people who talk and chat as they work out. A bunch of regulars. I hope to be a regular too.

I'm doing a Bible study by Beth Moore on the book of Esther. It's pretty good. Back in November I missed a couple of sessions - Anada's surgery and my surgery - and I just viewed the lessons last week. The phrase she used was, "Are you willing to work to see the wonder?" This is now my life statement/question. I want a lot of wonder in my life, but I have often not been willing to put in the work. I want a transformed life, a transformed mind, a transformed body. I want it all yesterday. There are many times when I have been inspired and started a transforming work, but I didn't follow through. After the inspiration was gone and I needed perspiration, I was outta there. For me that is the meaning of work. It is approaching God with my time and energy without knowing the outcome. It is allowing Him to do what He wants with, in and through me. But that can't happen if I don't show up. This has been happening in a couple of ways. I have been doing a study every day for the last week. (I missed one day.) I have committed to doing a study every day. (I'll need to find another one to work on for when I am caught up on my homework!) I have also started a devotional. A time where I can meet God personally and I have chosen to read a Psalm and a Proverb during this time and pray through them. God's word is alive and active. Working out is part of this work too. God has given me the opportunity to transform my body and my health. I need to work on the habits that will get me there and keep me there. When I first started working as a letter carrier, I was 275 lbs. But even then, I discovered that God made our bodies to move. Less than a century ago, most of the work people did included moving. Now, we sit for a living. It's sad.

I love God's providence. If I had watched those videos at the time they were scheduled, I don't think I would have come to the same understanding I have just recently. They would have been interesting and something would have stood out, but I really see how I needed the messages now rather than in November. I have a new perspective on my life. Some Christians have a dividing line in their life: before Christ and after Christ. I don't. I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. But, I now have a different dividing line: before surgery and after surgery. Surgery being the pivot point where God reversed my destiny.

Thanks for hanging in there! It was a long one today. Lots to spout off.