I had it all thought out in my mind while I was trying to fall asleep tonight. But when I got on the computer, I got lost in FBland. So, my witty title is gone.
In fact, so is the angst I was feeling laying down trying to sleep. Oh, wait a minute. Okay. Good. The angst is back.
Today, the trouble is my parenting. I am an awful mother right now. It's like I start the day with a lock. And as the day wears on, the shank of the lock gets worn down too. Every argument between the kids, each time something is spilled, all the clutter that comes from trying to entertain 3 kids and trying to put away my own clutter just wears me down. By the time that later afternoon arrives, the lock has nearly been cut open. And when the last of the metal has been worn away, I become a raving mad lunatic unable to control my temper. I become like my 5 year old having a tantrum, except I should be able to do something about mine.
It's like I'm swimming upstream with hundreds of obstacles being thrown at me. I get more and more frustrated as I have to negotiate each one until finally I say "screw it!" and just get out of the river.
Once I am angry, it is hard for me to calm down and then each little thing sends me screaming again. Sometimes I think I should have been a parent 50 years ago when how I treat my kids was more acceptable - not less hurtful, just more acceptable.
I see how my kids react to me when I'm like this and it bothers me a lot. I am doing exactly what I am telling them not to do. I am behaving inappropriately. Yet, I guess it doesn't bother me enough to avoid the behaviour. Once the valve is loose, there is a lot of steam to be released.
Right now is a difficult time. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm depressed right now. I'm in the middle of withdrawl from overeating. Finding new ways to cope with my life will take some time. Anada has been home from school for the holidays and so the kids are doing a lot of fighting and arguing. I have no idea how much fighting is normal. I remember fighting with my siblings, but looking back I thought someone should intervene. I intervene, but I also am not helping them figure things out. One time I will tell them they need to work it out and the next time I will tell them both to go for a time out or to bed just to get them to stop. My daughter has an awful attitude and disagrees with both me and Norm at every turn. Gee, I wonder where she gets if from.
I'm not sure I can handle working on something else that needs so much mental energy. Even when I remain calm, I often find myself congratulating myself on staying calm. It's usually still quite early in the day at that point. I don't know where all the pressure comes from that I can hardly make it through the day without having a breakdown. My husband does so much to ease my stress and I'm usually only home with the kids by myself for less than 6 hours a day, yet often, it feels like too much.
Tonight I thanked God that my husband loves me so much (I don't know why) and that the risk of me becoming a single mom is very low. I have no idea how single moms can make it. How can they do everything for their children and themselves all day every day and still have their sanity?
Of course, that brings me to another reason why I'm not a great parent: I am so selfish. One of the reasons I blow up is that my kids aren't doing what I want them to do. They aren't listening or obeying or quiet or whatever it is that I have just said. I expect them to do what I say when I say it or I get ugly. I do think kids need to follow their parent's instructions, but when I turn ugly, it doesn't seem to help the situation. So why do I still do it?
I went for counselling in the summer for my anger after my baby was born. It helped. Now, I'm not quite as bad as I was then, but it's close.
Being winter doesn't help. I try not to leave the house unless I'm by myself. It seems so overwhelming to bundle all the kids up to get into the van to drive somewhere to do what we were going to do and then repeat it all again on the way home. I feel like my kids are not obedient enough to take them out with me. Today I wanted to go to a light store to look for a chandelier, but there was no way I would go to a place that was completely breakable with 3 monsters! Not only that, but then it's always "can we buy that? Can we buy this? I want that!" For the entire time we are in the store. It's punishment.
sigh. I hope I can get better. I pray I can summon the energy it takes to be a good mom. I pray my kids can overcome the hand they have been dealt.
My goodness, did I post on your blog accidentally. I experience the same thing. I know that it is from the stress of having my husband's mill closing and him working out of town (starting in February). And of course, overeating is always so helpful in managing my ugly feelings and with working on staying OP, the feelings flare up more.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! It is difficult to raise children and I agree if you are tired or stressed, it is harder to manage anger. But you will get it and they will get older and listen better. At least that is what I am telling myself.
I don't have any words of wisdom but I do understand. :)
Thank you so much for your comment, Seph. I think of you often as you posted that your husband will be out of town for almost a month at a time. I can't imagine. I really feel for you. How old are you kids? Do you have family close by to help? How far away will your husband be? (You don't have to answer if you don't want to! But I am interested.)
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