Blech!!!!

I feel awful right now and need to write about it. The food in my pouch won't come up, so the emotions have to.

I have slipped back into some old patterns of not thinking. Especially when it comes to food. Last week I ate some chips. They tasted good. They made me feel full without hurting. I ate 2 bags over 2 days. I didn't eat much of anything else though.

Today, I wanted to have more. I went to Norm's car and got 3 bags. As I was walking into the house, I was trying to stifle the thought, "this is not looking good. Are you going to binge?" I was embarrassed and didn't want my daughter to see me bring them in and I tried to hide them. I think I was successful, but sometimes she doesn't care about such things. She went downstairs, and in solitude I scarfed down probably about 3/4 of the bag. I was eating them very quickly so no one would catch me.

My husband came up to say good bye and I wondered if he would taste them when we kissed. He didn't mention it. I then opened a different flavour bag. I wanted the sweetness of them versus the salty taste of the first. I had a few. Again afraid I would be caught, I tried to stuff the bag behind the computer.

Then I felt gross. I went to the bathroom and tried to make room for the contents of my pouch to go down. It hurt. I was uncomfortable and wanted to throw up. I have always hated worshipping the porcelain gods, but since my surgery, it is often the best way to get relief. I just pray it will come up. This time, some liquid did, but no food. As we speak, it is still making it's way through my small stoma (opening from new pouch to intestine) with much gurgling. I still feel like some should come up, but based on past experience, don't think that any will.

My instinct is to drink. That doesn't work with this. Especially if the food expands. I've had it explained that my new pouch and stoma is like a funnel. If the funnel is stuck with food, water can't get through and just backs up making a bad situation worse.

What scares me about this episode is that it is the same old pattern I used to live by: "don't stop long enough to talk yourself out of it." Like I said, when I was bringing the chips into the house, I had that little voice that knew the truth and I chose to ignore it. The challenge now, is to accept that I made an error in judgement, learn from it and move on. So, what did I learn this time? I can have one or two chips if they are someone else's. I may not have a bag to myself. It leads to bad things! It takes time to undo 30+ years of binging and hiding and eating for emotional reasons. That's why I had to write it out. Thanks for letting me.

Other news...

I have been very busy with my new life. I can't remember if I wrote on my "reversal of destiny" epiphany. I believe God has reversed my destiny. He has allowed this surgery to be a hinge in my life where I have pivoted to a new path. On this new path is much wonder to be had. Much, much wonder. But the question Beth Moore asked me was if I was "willing to WORK to see the wonder?" I said yes.

I have always taken the easy way. I have given up when times have been hard. I have stopped a habit of discipline because of a simple schedule change. How many times have I started something, but never finished? Last year, I was studying my Bible during my lunch break at work. Then, my break time changed and that was then end of my study. A couple of years ago, I started working out at the gym putting the kids in the babysitting while I was there. My son got sick and I couldn't bring him to the childcare while he was sick, so I never went back. I even paid for 6 more months of babysitting before I finally cancelled it. Instead of rolling with the punches of life, I let them run me over.

So the last few weeks, I have been working. I have been doing my Bible study homework EVERY day. I have been working out at the gym 3 times a week. These are my 2 main disciplines. Both of them are crucial to the rest of my life. As I lose weight, and get to goal, exercise will make a bigger and bigger difference in my body and mind. (can you say "stress relief?") Bible study is essential for living a Christian life with meaning and purpose. I have lived many years without hardly cracking my Bible open. And I would wonder why I didn't feel alive spiritually. Duh! God's Word is alive and active. It is living and speaks to me and my spirit directly when I avail myself to it.

God is also calling me to pray. and to pray boldly. Instead of telling someone I will pray for them - even with good intentions - I need to pray for them at that time. I need to pray all the time for whatever is going on. Also, I need to pray for my family. To "stand in the gap" as it were. This one I am not that sure about. I don't really know how to pray for all that I need to pray for. And to be honest, I kind of get bored going on about the same thing over and over. I hope I can learn.

Update: It has been over 2.5 hours since I ate all that crap. Just so you know, I am still feeling it!

If you're still reading thanks. You're the best!