testing... testing... 1. 2. 3.

Our lives feel like they are out of control these days.

The biggest thing was that my dad died on Feb. 23. Have I blogged about him? I don't remember. But he had been very sick for so long. He had been in the hospital since the end of August. He had had open heart surgery, life threatening infections, a bed sore that threatened to overtake his body. His kidneys had shut down, he had lost his eyesight and being cooped up in a hospital bed unable to do anything for himself had understandably brought on some depression.

But in January his heart was good, he was on hemodialysis and doing well with that, his bedsore had been healing and medically he was able to be transferred to an auxiliary hospital where getting him moving and back home was the goal. While in the hospital, he had physio a few times each week, but after months of not moving an hour of physio 3 times a week isn't enough to strengthen his muscles to move his body.

So the move to the Glenmore Care Centre was hopeful. And he was doing so well. He had to get out of bed to eat, he was encouraged to move as much as possible. He had physio everyday. he took the handibus to his dialysis. He was talking to people again. He wasn't isolated in his room anymore.

In one short month, he was going up and down stairs, transferring himself out of bed into the wheelchair and out of the wheelchair to other places he needed to be. He had hope of returning home in a few weeks.

On February 22, he called the nurse to help him go to the bathroom. But no one came. Because he was doing well, he thought he could manage on his own. And he probably could have. But this time, he fell. I'm not sure how long he was on the floor, but his physiotherapist found him when he was late for his appointment.

Protocol would dictate that he should have had a CAT scan to rule out bleeding since he was on a blood thinner. But that didn't happen. Instead they cleaned him up and got him ready for his eye appointment.

My mom and dad had a really good day. They went to his eye appointment together, had lunch and played crib. They held hands and talked. My dad was more and more like his old self. After my mom went home, my dad played more cards with the recreation therapist and apparently even won a dollar. He phoned my mom to tell her the good news around 4pm.

It was around then that he started complaining of a headache and by 5pm he was in a coma. The bleeding in his brain was too much to withstand. By the time he was at the hospital and had an MRI, his brain was so squished from the blood that it was like a pancake. The only way to save him would be to have brain surgery.

The problem was that the surgery would most likely kill him. He was doing much better, but his body was still so sick from the other stuff going on that it wouldn't be able to withstand the extra stress. And even if he did survive the surgery, he would end up as a vegetable, the damage was so severe.

He was left to be cared for and comforted. They gave him oxygen to help him. But that's all. As his lungs began to fill with fluid, they would suction out his mouth. We put vaseline on his lips to protect them from the dryness.

What was going on during those last 26 hours? Did he have an out of body experience? What did he know? Did he know he was dying? Did he know we were there? Was he already up in heaven in the place Jesus promised to prepare for him?

My mom and I were talking about how she would stay with him for the night again. She had stayed the previous night thinking he wouldn't make it. In the morning I took her home and she cleaned up for the day. Since he had lasted longer that we thought, we had no idea how long he would hang on.

I was there when he finally passed. It was shortly after we had made plans for her to stay. I was on the phone with my brother when I looked over and his face was yellow. I motioned to my mom and then he sputtered and it was over. 66 years, 3 months and 19 days.

I thought about how it must have been such a relief for him. His life had been full of self abuse: alcohol, cigarettes, overeating, over spending, pornography... I'm sure there were a few things I didn't know about too. He collected everything - stamps, plates, pins, coins, McDonald's happy meal toys. So much in an effort to fill what I'm sure felt like a bottomless pit.

But now he is Home. In his last few months, he was able to express his deepening faith in Jesus Christ. He knew his life had been spent chasing vanities. Finally he had come to peace.

So then we had the funeral, paperwork, grieving, family and friends to inform and host for the funeral. I was off of work for a week. Returning was hard. My work was his work too. So many people knew him. So many people would ask about him. If people didn't mention his death to me, I wanted to tell them. But it is awkward. I'm not looking for condolences, per se, but I am looking for what he meant to them.

During all of this, our cell phones were cut off (I forgot to pay the bill), both our cars had died and we had gotten a new one, but hadn't replaced the second vehicle yet. It was still at the shop.

Our vending business suffered a couple of blows. something that seemed like it would last for a long time became very temporary.

My daughter broke her arm on Sunday night and I spent the night in the emergency with her waiting to be seen.

As I was writing this, my son woke up sick. Cleaning up vomit is not my favourite thing. I am thinking how it will go if all 3 kids are sick at once. Is that better than if they spread it out? I'm not sure. Hello laundry.

The youngest has a cold and hates to have her nose wiped.

Our financial situation is still a mountain of debt. We are not going further into debt, but the pace of debt reduction is glacial.

At work, the staffing shortage is so severe that there are days where the mail doesn't go out at all. That happened to my route the day before I returned to work after bereavement leave. So I feel guilty for not being at work. It's now 1:15am. I need to get up in 5 hours. It's amazing how one night of being up all night has switched my clock around.

So as all of these things pile up, I just feel like I am being tested. How many more things can add up and bring more stress? What else can happen? I'm just waiting.

I'm also thinking about Lent starting tomorrow. I have been observing it the last couple of years. Last year I gave up TV and my computer time. I was allowed to check my email once a day and blog (because that's my journal.) I never really returned to tv watching, but the computer takes up a big chunk of my evenings. I was thinking I might have to give it up again. I don't know if I can do that this year. The other thing is that in the past I have been unwilling to give up food. Maybe this is the year to truly fast in some respect. I spend a lot of my energy looking for fat and sugar to eat. Maybe this is the time to wrestle through that addiction. I've got 22.5 hours to figure it out.