confessions

An email to a friend brought me here tonight. We have been discussing my surgery and she asked what kind of foods I ate. I gave her a list of what I had eaten today. Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

In fact it was on the far side of disgusting.

I'm not sure if I will disclose the list here. I am quite embarrassed to admit the foods I have been putting in my mouth lately. At this point, it is good enough that I have confessed it to one person and that confession has helped open my eyes a bit to the glare of my transgressions.

One of the things I remember from Overeaters Anonymous was that in one of the steps (4 I think) it said to tell another person all of our flaws. It was important to verbalize our defects to a person. Someone who can judge us. Someone who can chastise us. But in actuality, it is someone who can sympathize with us and hug us and tell us there is hope.

I didn't realize that this email would cause so much turmoil inside me. Of course, it wasn't the email, but what I exposed of myself. I didn't hide but revealed one of my major defects. And while I know my food choices aren't what they should be, it wasn't until I wrote them down for someone else to see that they stared me in the face and exposed me as a fraud. liar. hypocrite.

You see, so far, I am a WLS success story. I lost 150 pounds. I have been maintaining a 145 lb loss for months now. But the list of food that I ate today shows me as the compulsive binge overeater that I am. It shows almost no regard for health. It shows a lack of preparation for the day. It shows that I am headed for weight regain.

As I lay in bed, contemplating what I have been doing to my body, I asked myself if I was willing to give up eating this way. Instantly I started making excuses to myself and listing exceptions... I will want to have a treat some days. I can't give up my diet coke! Do I have to give up (insert junk food choice here.)?

So I scaled back. How about just logging. Am I willing to truthfully write down all that I eat? I don't have to give up anything. I just have to write it down. Yes. I think I can do that. It scares me. But I know that food journals are important to win any battle when it comes to food.

"You can't change what you don't acknowledge."

I am only 20 months out from my surgery. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period. It only gets more challenging.

How do I change my mindset to accept the reasonable limits that need to be in place for me to succeed? How do I stop buying and eating so much junk? How do I *want* to eat healthy and find satisfaction eating that way? How do I afford it? How do I find the time to do it? How do I undo 38 years of bad behaviour?

So many questions. Are there any answers?

Hopefully now I can go to sleep anyway. Thanks for listening.