Facing the Music

Today I got on the scale. 178.2

Not really surprising (considering my last post) but shocking none the less.

It has been a while since I last weighed myself and even longer since I recorded it. The last number I remember was in the 175. something range. The last time I wrote it down, was mid April and I was 171.8. That puts me up 6 pounds.

I'm trying to think when it was I started going off the rails. It was probably when we were locked out from work - I work for Canada Post and they locked us out for 2 weeks the end of June. When I don't work, I tend to gain weight. Surprise, surprise. I remember putting on my compression garment and thinking it must have shrunk in the wash. It took me a couple of seconds, but then I laughed and realized that it had not shrunk but I had grown. It was funny how my first response was to blame something outside of myself. (In my own defense, I was given a couple of wool sweaters, and they DID shrink in the wash!!)

Since my last post, I have been more mindful of what I have been eating. I am focusing more on protein and making the choices that are healthier. I have some sort of mind block when it comes to writing down what I put in my mouth. It seems like an awful amount of effort. I may need to make that effort if my "mindful eating" doesn't give me the results I am looking for.

Currently I am still unwilling to totally give up junk food. Recognizing that it is an unwillingness rather than an unableness is helpful to me. Like journaling the food, I may come to a point when I am willing to be more restrictive and choose to not eat the sugar and fat. It's important for me to know it's a choice I can make. I am not bound by the food. I am not a slave anymore to my cravings. This is the biggest lesson I have learned since surgery. Before I never felt I could make choices about what I ate. The urges and desires for food were so strong. And my stomach was so big that I would continue to eat well beyond any reason. Now, because I can only eat a small portion of what I used to eat, I must stop. I still push those boundaries. I still eat more than I need and after that voice in my head has told me I should stop. But it's better.

This morning I found myself wondering how I am going to stop this slide into my old eating patterns. How am I going to lose the 10 pounds I want to? I felt some of that desperation seeping back into my soul.

I remembered that I have a tool. And while it feels like it is broken, it will still work if I make the choices I need to. I don't need to be desperately seeking a solution. I have the solution. It is much easier to reverse the trend at 5 pounds than 25 or 125. Yes, there are people who have gained most, if not all of their weight back after having WLS. If I don't want to be one of them, I need to take charge now. If I were to have an accident or injury where I couldn't work, I would be in serious danger of gaining a significant amount of weight. It could be me.

One blog I follow was talking about why she still struggles after 4 years of active weight loss effort. Even though she has done very well and lost 80 lbs, it is still a struggle. I find the same thing. This is a roller coaster ride. Just when we are at the top and think that we will never go back to where we came from, the ride falls to the bottom. We are seemingly back at square one. Then we work our way back to the top only once again to quickly ride all the way down. Weight loss is a cycle. Weight loss is never truly over. Even if we have been successful at maintaining for a long time, we still need to make the choices every day that will keep us in maintenance. When we stop making the choices, we stop maintaining. UGH! Don't you ever just want it to be over? To not have to worry about it again?!?!?

I know I do.