Ummm...

It's been a month less a day since I have posted. I have often sat here thinking I should post something, that I have stuff to say, but I get stuck in the starting. What title? What should I start with? I don't want to make it too short, but when I write something long, it takes so much time!

Anyway, here I am.

The last couple of days, numerous people have asked when I was due. It wasn't even a question such as; "Are you pregnant?" but they had already made that leap and just cut to the chase.

I've been chuckling about it to myself because when I was fat, fat, fat, no one dared ask if I was pregnant. In fact I remember being 9 months pregnant telling people who were then surprised. They had assumed it was all fat. One lady at work said that if you were a woman, you could tell I was pregnant rather than just fat, but women didn't even venture into this territory.

Now, that I am more a normal size (I guess) people assume my belly is a baby not just a buddha.

To be honest, it's mainly a glob of skin. It stretches out like bat wings and flops around when I run. I am quite obsessive about getting plastic surgery to get it cut off. I still have about 40 lbs to lose in order to have a "normal BMI", but I often wonder how much my extra skin weighs? I want to find a place to put my scale where I can weigh my buddha belly to get an idea.

My upper thighs have a lot of skin too. So much skin in fact, that it's hard to get a good shave. I can't hold the skin tight enough for the razor to get any tracking. It's fine for now. I don't think anyone is interested in looking at my leg hair!

I'm heading in for my 9 month post op appointment probably next week. I will ask my doctor about getting the reconstructive surgery covered in the public system. My belly really does hang very low. In fact, I think it is still about as low as it was when I was my heaviest. It has just shrunk and deflated like a stretched out balloon. So, at this point, I don't think it is just vanity (although I'm sure there is some of that too.) but a health -mental?- issue. It is something I am willing to pay for like my WLS, but that wouldn't be possible for many years.

Like I said, I just passed my 9 month mark. I am down 136 lbs so far. It's really mind boggling. I only have 4 more pounds to go until my BMI is only *overweight*!

This month I have also had my 9th wedding anniversary and my birthday is in 2 days. I am getting old! You know, I always thought I would be in a different place when I was my age now. Oh well.

I'll give a shout out to my loyal followers -

Seph, I'm glad to read you again. I have been praying for you as you come to mind.

Anne Margaret, I hope you life will settle into everything you hope for.

bye! Hopefully it won't be a month 'til the next time.

I'll post my most recent update photos. You can compare them with the before pics earlier in my blog.

He wouldn't dare!

Today I cried in church, flipped out on the kids, flipped out on the husband, had a hard time enjoying our beautiful lunch spot, took the kids to old mcdonald's for supper.

Do you see a theme? I think my hormones are wacky again.

I noticed a few months ago, now that my periods are regular, that a couple of days before that TOM comes, that I am a little looney. For example, I will not be angry, but then scream for some minor infraction. I think today was one of those days.

Of course, Norm wouldn't say. He wouldn't dare. (I actually don't think he knows about this connection yet!)

So hopefully it has now passed.

In other news...

I think we will work on installing a bathroom in our basement. We came up with the idea of getting a boarder to live with us. Someone who could use our kitchen and house generally, but have their own room in the basement. It is a nice balance between putting a suite in the basement and yet still getting some extra money coming in. In fact, room and board brings in almost as much as renting a 1 bedroom basement suite would bring. I think by the time we actually get the bathroom done, we will be too late for the back to school crowd. But we'll work on it.

In related news...

Because of Norm's road trip, our mastercard is back up again. We don't have the money to pay it off. This stresses me out. We are working so hard to be careful with our money, and then this happens. We can't afford him to be on road trips. He spent something like $400 in gas in 2 weeks! plus he has a $450 hotel bill. And his income has only been $300 for the last 2 weeks. UGG!

So, I don't want to go into debt to put in this bathroom. But I'm torn. Without it, I'm not sure we can really offer up a room which will bring us about $500 a month. But going into debt, even to do this, is a bad idea. In the past, it would have been easy for me to charge it. Now, I really want to live differently. I hate being in bondage to this monster that we created. It really feels like we will never, ever be financially free. ugg. At least I know I am spiritually free.

Last night I made my amazing choc chip cookies. I really love these. I think they are the best I have ever, ever tasted. Most people tell me the same thing. I don't keep a lot of sweets in the house. Mainly because they tend to be fairly expensive and also because I would tend to eat them all. Maybe that is why they are so expensive!

I made them because I wanted to binge. I wanted to eat something sweet and eat a lot. I wouldn't say I was stressed out, but I was definitely unsettled. I ate about 4 or 5 cookies worth of dough, I think. Then I had another few cooked. (I usually prefer the dough.) Today I was munching on them throughout the day too.

Just now, as this was going through my mind, I wondered if there is a hormonal connection. A lot of women talk about eating more junk when their period comes. Hmmm. Interesting.

TMI alert... alert... alert...

This is something I don't share with anyone. My SIL knows but mainly from observation rather than direct conversation. My husband knows - but he's lived with me for almost 9 years. I have no idea if my parents ever knew. Or if anyone else could tell from what I was wearing.

For those of you who have been morbidly obese, this will probably not shock you. For the rest... cover your eyes.

So, I have basically worn a pad everyday of my life since I was in university. My bladder leaked all day every day. I remember wondering why I was wet in high school, how I could get everything out, but there would always be that little bit left. My pants would be damp and of course there would be an odour. I don't think I did anything about it then. I was too embarrassed to even buy pads at the time.

I was so embarrassed, I never mentioned it to my doctors. I was so embarrassed, that I have never really confessed it to anyone.

Thinking back, I started wearing pads because while the constant leaking was not nice, it was the stress incontinence from laughing or movement that was really embarrassing. I like to play games and when I would play I would usually laugh. Then I would be wet. I would think about how my pants would be able to hide the evidence. Usually I would try to be last to leave the area so no one would be able to see my behind. (even writing this now, 15-20 years later, is difficult.)

With a pad, I was usually safe even if I was laughing. Safe that is, except if it (I still can't bring myself to use the "u" word) squished up my bum. But it usually wasn't too bad. So for literally decades, I have worn a pad every day. Some days would be better than others, but when I would try to go without, I would discover that nothing had changed.

I'm not sure what weight I was - maybe somewhere around the 205 mark - I went without a pad. I remember reading about some women being cured of their stress incontinence and wondered if I had been cured of mine.

I chose a day that I didn't have to work. Because there is so much jarring, I didn't have that much faith I would be cured. That day I stayed dry. It was amazing to me. Finally I wouldn't have to have all those chemicals by my private parts all the time. So, since then, I haven't worn a pad on non-work days.

But here is the juicy part! Today was the second day I didn't wear a pad during work! Some of you know I am a letter carrier. On my route I have about 5000 stairs. I don't do them all everyday, but I probably would do 3-4000. I go fairly fast down these stairs and all the pressure from my belly would just push "it" out.

Except now, for 2 whole work days, my bladder has withstood all those G-forces! Today was a real test too. I really had to go! There aren't any pit stops, so unless I can't do anything but ask to use someone's washroom, I hold it. I made it through. Now, there was a little dampness, but that was probably more from sweat than anything else. Today, as I walked down the feminine protection isle at the grocery store, I thought to myself, "I don't need you anymore! Except for my REGULAR monthly cycle." That is extra money in my grocery budget! Yaaaayyy!

I hope I haven't scared you all off. But you know, I need to document this kind of stuff too!

ps. Since we have been talking about my nether region... I have lost weight there too. And now when I open my legs, my "lips" open too. This must happen to all women of "normal" size. Doesn't that bother you? I've been so fat, that they always stayed closed. Now when ever I stretch my legs out - like to get out of the car - I get a new, interesting sensation. Do you know about this kind of thing?

earbuds

So, I have had a couple of iPods over the years. The first one died on me. The 2nd one fell down a drain in the middle of winter. Because the snow was white and the iPod was white, I had little chance of seeing it. The latest one I have had for a surprisingly long time... about 3 years. I bought it with my airmiles. (It's a turquoise green colour.)

One thing I go through is earphones. I have never liked the earbuds that come with the iPods. They hurt my ear and never really stayed where they should. I never knew how everyone could use theirs because mine were so uncomfortable. Instead I would buy the over the ear kind so that they would hang on by themselves instead of having to "balance" in my ear.

My earphones only last a little while - less than a year for sure. Maybe more like 6 months. The wires would get bent or something. The sound would start to get scratchy then there would be no sound at all. This happened to me at work on Thursday. About half way through my route, I lost my connection.

I don't really want to buy a new set because I don't know where we would take the money from. Last week I spent $30 of my grocery money for a new sprinkler and hose. Our extras jar doesn't have a lot of extras either. It's not a need, but quite a big WANT.

A while ago, I had rounded up my unused earbuds from my ipods and tried to freecycle them. The guy never came to pick them up. They have been sitting on my kitchen counter for months as I thought about what to do with them. I didn't want to throw them out. I was probably going to refreecycle them, but hadn't gotten around to it yet.

So I pulled them out. I was pretty leery at first. Expecting the pressure and then pain of the earbud in my ear. I was waiting for them to keep falling out every time I moved my head. Surprise, surprise, they didn't!

As I was marvelling about this, it came to mind that I guess I had FAT EARS! My mom always told me I have small ears - as in they are less than 3 inches high, and that is what I attributed the bad-fitting earbuds to. Now I know the truth! Even my ears were fat. I guess it makes sense, but I still shake my head in wonder. huh! Who ever heard of fat ears?!?!?!?!?

It's all about the numbers

I weigh everyday. Naked, after I have peed, when I first get out of bed.

It is a struggle to see the numbers. Some days they are not going down fast enough, sometimes they are going up and sometimes they stay the same for way (weigh) too long.

As I mentioned before, last week I started gaining a few pounds. A big chunk of that is not working. Walking 3 hours has it's benefits! But I have been eating too much - and too much junk in particular - to maintain where I am now. The sad part is that I still have 50 pounds to lose!

But for me, I think it is important to weigh every day. I want to learn that it is just a number. Normal women's weight fluctuates and so will mine.

Ok. That might just be a rationalization. I can probably learn as much from not weighing as from weighing. But I like knowing my number. Self esteem issues be darned.

"You're not fat anymore"

This caught me completely by surprise. While we were at the beach yesterday, my friend said this to me, "Well one thing we can say for sure is that you are not fat anymore."

It was like a spring was attached to my head as it spun around.

It's funny that she would say this now. It has been the last couple of weeks that I have felt *FAT* again. My loss has really slowed and the last few days I am up 2 lbs. My belly looks fuller and the skin seems to be not as wrinkled.

I have been on holidays 3 out of the last 4 weeks. So, I am not walking for 3 hours a day and my eating is worse because I am grazing. I have been making more cookies and muffins and that kind of stuff for the kids but also as gifts (since our money is so tight these days) and as I make them I also eat them.

Now, the work begins. The mental work of planning and making good choices. The physical work of planned and scheduled exercise.

To be honest I'm not looking forward to it. It just brings back a lot of memories of defeat and helplessness.

Maybe it doesn't have to be that way this time.

Beach day!

Hi!

I just got back from a wonderful day at the beach. We went to Dickson point on Glennifer Lake. It was a bit of a drive, but the beach was perfect with sand to play, cool water and even a tree for shade. It wasn't very busy even on a hot summer day. Later in the day when the storm clouds threatened to come our way, we light a fire and roasted marshmallows just back from the beach. It was perfect.

Definitely a place to check out if you are in southern/central Alberta.

Here's a link for a bit more info.
http://sunsite.ualberta.ca/Projects/Alberta-Lakes/view/?region=South%20Saskatchewan%20Region&basin=Red%20Deer%20River%20Basin&lake=Gleniffer%20Lake&number=101