hypocrisy

So, Christmas is over for another year. I have survived! They day went really well. We had brunch with the family, opened gifts, went tobogganing, had appies, had dinner and opened more gifts! Then we played Rummoli. I now have rummoli on the brain.

The food was okay. I had 1.5 pieces of bacon for breakfast, which didn't seem to go down very well. I thought I would be sick, but eventually they passed. Then the appetizers (which I made) also got stuck. This time I had to bow out of the party for about an hour or so. The pretzel chips (all 4 bites) wouldn't go any further, so up they came. I must say that when something is stuck, it feels so much better after an upchuck. It's not like before... It's just a small amount that comes up with one hurl and then it's over. Very quick and easy. The hard part is that for me, it seems to take an hour of extreme discomfort to get to the quick and easy part.

As an extended family, we are trying to re-define what Christmas looks like. Right now, it all seems so excessive; excessive food, excessive gifts and excessive time spent with all the same people. On the agenda to change for next year, are the way we exchange gifts. The older crowd is hard to convince, but each year I get older, it is harder and harder to justify the mound of gifts. Don't get me wrong, I love a great gift, but it seems so wrong to spend the thousands of dollars on things we either don't need or want. I can agree that for the kids, it might be different. But for the adults, let's just stop for a moment and think. Let's re-think. What if we didn't buy anyone anything for one year? What if our gift was a donation? What if our gift was time? What if we gave to people who truly have needs?

It is hard to change. But I think it is worthwhile. At least that's what I"m trying to convince myself of anyway.

Memories, all alone in the moonlight

We finally put the tree up today. It's actually kind of nice to have it up. It's nothing special - just a 4 foot artificial tree with lights and some ornaments. But, it works for us. If the presents don't fit around it, then we have too many presents.

Actually, I am hoping our family will opt out of presents for next year. Maybe not the kids, but at least for the adults in the extended family. Nobody is lacking for what we need. Nobody needs to waste their money buying things nobody wants. Maybe drawing names or even having a generic gift pile and make a game out of it - you know - the first person opens a gift, the 2nd person can steal that gift or unwrap a new one. The 3rd can then steal or choose a new one. I think that could be fun.

ummm. what else. I know there was something else. If only my brain would engage.

The baby is not very happy being put down for a nap. We tried earlier and failed. This time, I hope to win. They are very crafty at getting their own way.

oh yeah. One of the reasons we put up the tree today (other than it's less than a week away) is what my mother said to me on the phone. We were chatting about how I wasn't ready for Christmas and how she is glad she doesn't have the pressure of having Christmas brunch at her place this year. She also has no decorations up. So she said, "Kristen, you're making memories for your kids!! You need to do what you need to do!"

That kind of thing holds no power over me (well, okay maybe a very, itsy-bitsy bit!) It just sounds full of guilt and shame and pressure to make things a certain way when there is no need for anything that certain. Having a stressed out mother also makes memories and not the kind that go along with a nice holiday.

I've just been thinking about what I remember about our Christmases. The only things I remember revolve around presents and food. We opened our presents Christmas morning and then ate the rest of the day. Even as a child, I was fat and food obsessed. Christmas was perfect for getting lots of sugar all day long.

Hear that? That's the sound of a sleeping baby!

So, what are the memories we are going to create for our kids? As a child, I always wanted to open one gift on Christmas eve. I think I would like to do that. Anada just asked if we could. I wonder about the same gift each year - the traditional new set of pj's for Christmas or something like that. "When I was growing up, my parents always got me a ________ for Christmas. You know, I think I've received one of those every year since I was a kid! It always reminds me of Christmas." Hmmmm. Something to ponder.

As I get smaller, hopefully we will also be more active and have something physical be a yearly tradition too. Maybe my feet will actually get small enough to fit into ice skates!?!?!?

As I get older and I learn to trust God more and love Him more, it's also important to set up the faith traditions. My mom started reading the Christmas story when we were teenagers before we would open the presents. It's a start. It's hard to have any meaningful conversation because my family doesn't share our feelings with each other. Especially me. I would really like to begin open discussions with my husband and kids while they are young. I think it will make it less awkward.

Hear that? She's not sleeping anymore.

We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

Today, I tried to eat a lightly fried egg. I didn't cook it very long. The whites were still white. No crispy parts or anything! I ate some. It was okay. But man, Then it hurt! I was sitting there thinking, Can I not just eat an egg without it feeling like my insides are being ripped apart?!?!? Even eating the yolk, which is my favourite part, didn't do much for me. I haven't quite learned the chewing part even though I am chewing way more than I ever did.

I read that it does get better. Hopefully. For me. Not just for other people.

sorry, not tonight dear.

The honeymoon is over. I'm not sure it ever really begun.

I've been starting to feel blue lately. Not much emotion other than BLAH! It feels like I haven't smiled in days and I am wading through my life like wading through a knee high snow drift.

It could have something to do with the conversation I had with my mom. She has stopped talking to my aunt because my aunt offended her by calling her "high maintenance" because of all of the stories she tells (really, they are incessant.) My mom didn't take kindly to that and for almost 3 months has not made any effort to connect with my aunt. I also put my foot in it when my mom asked me if I thought she was high maintenance. That was a hard one to answer.

The truth is YES! Very!

My mom doesn't handle the truth about herself very well. So, I Tried to speak kindly and graciously. Let's just say, it's not my strong point. Now I can't tell if she is mad at me too. (((BIG SIGH))) It always seems to go this way. This time, though, I wouldn't let her off the phone until we talked some more. Previously, after I had said something that hurt her, a few days later I would get a call from my dad saying how hurt mom was. It's like walking on eggshells. I think I am learning to appreciate her more, but then something like this happens and I feel lost as sea again.

I could also be feeling blue because now I have discovered that eating isn't fun anymore and depending on me and my pouch, it may never be again. NOT only is it not fun, but thoughts of what I can eat and can't eat consumes most waking moments! AHHHH! One blog I read today says that even 2 years out, eating isn't fun anymore. Making the food can be fun, but not eating.

To try and keep a proper perspective, there are lots of people who say the enjoy their food even more after surgery. They eat what they love in a slow, controlled way. Mr. Pouchie doesn't allow for gorging. They are more careful with the quality and flavour. Quality definitely wins out over quantity. This is where I want to be. One day...

wasting time

My older kids just left with daddy to go to Ikea. I have the baby and here I am on the computer just looking for something to fill my time. My blog reading is up to date. I haven't checked the message boards today, but I will probably do that tonight. I'm kind of bored. My house is a disaster, but I don't really want to do that either. Now would be a good time for a hobby.

I find myself not wanting to get into something because before long I will be interrupted. I guess I don't have the concentration skills to go in and come back out again repeatedly while I need to meet everyone's needs. Even my blog writing has already been interrupted by the crying baby. She has a cold, so I won't hold it against her. This time.

Okay. Now she is really crying and needing some attention. So, i guess this is a short post!

Let them eat CAKE!

Yesterday was my son's birthday. He turned 4. I love watching them get older and "wiser". Alex is coming up with some pretty long words and sentences these days. It is cute watching him try to get all of those syllables out.

The plan was to have the family over for lunch and dessert and open presents. Everyone left by about 4pm or so. Lunch was chili and homemade biscuits with cake and ice cream for dessert.

The last few days, it has been hard to eat at meal time. I take a few bits and then it hurts, so I stop. I'm starting to worry that I will never be able to eat again! When I finally did get to eat yesterday - after feeding everyone else including my baby - my pureed chili wasn't feeling so good. I thought, "here we go again. 2 bites and that will be all I can have." I wasn't hungry. It's more akin to realizing I haven't eaten in a while and I really need to eat something now.

After I got up to do a couple of things, I came back to the chili, and this time, it went down real nice! I finished my 1/2 cup and could have had more. Up until then, I had been eyeing the cake. In the past, I could have eaten 2 or 3 pieces of cake with lots of icing and then eaten another 3 or 4 later that evening once everyone was gone. I knew I had to be careful, because I didn't want to dump in the middle of the party, but I had been eyeing the icing all day!

After my chili, I took a small - about 1 centimetre thick by 3 centimetre wide - edge piece for more icing. I started with the icing, then went to the cake. Eventually, I left about 1/2 of what I took on my plate. Not bad. I didn't feel sick at all. Of course, not feeling sick is both good and bad. Good because I don't feel like I"m going to keel over and die, but bad because now my mind is telling me I can have more. I did. I had a bite here, a lick there. I had more than I should have, but not enough to dump.

I knew it would show on the scale today. And it did. I find it amazing how over the course of a day, I can be moving non stop and only have about 500 caloried, but eat too many carbs and I will gain weight. Yesterday I gained .4 of a pound. It baffles my mind.

Oh well. I figure I'm down about 36 lbs from my highest. That's not too bad. But don't you dare let anyone tell you this is easy. 'Cause IT'S NOT!!

Attila

Hey folks!

Life has definitely returned to normal around here. After, let's call it "NOVEMBER", it is nice to just have the normal stresses of life such as my mother in law coming for a week, completely retraining my mind and body to think and eat differently, and handle children who had a month off from Attila the Mom. ha ha! I really like that... Attila the Mom!

I am chalking it up to school, buy my daughter's attitude has tanked. Everything is "NO" or an argument or just completely ignoring me. I have recently threatened her with removal from school. I always toyed with home-schooling until a year ago, but it is top of mind these days!

My son would rather watch tv all day instead of go to school. He only chose to go to school when he learned that he wouldn't be allowed to watch tv all day. This guy is only 4! What is going to happen when he is 13?!?!

And today, the baby was really fussy. She is so cute that I am prone to forget about it until she starts crying again. She was in her high chair and started talking. I was on the phone. Eventually the talking turned into high pitched wails which would stop as soon as I would turn around and look at her. She might only be 6 mos, but she is pretty good at getting mommy's attention!

The food thing has been very challenging. I now know that the requested lobotomy was not performed. They only operated on my stomach, not my brain. Being the mom and doting wife, I spend most of my day in the kitchen preparing food for my charges. I try and feed the big kids first and then the baby because she needs me to transport the food from the bowl to her mouth. Then I get my food. Then I clean up a bit (really, only a bit) and by the time I finish my bit, it's time for snack again. The other challenging part is my son asks for a snack every 15 mins or so it seems. My sis in law told me to take away his snack if he pesters me, but I haven't gotten their yet. I may have to soon for some sanity. Anyway, so then it's snack, then lunch times 3, then it's snack again, then snack for my daughter out of school, then it's time to make dinner, then eat dinner then clean up then my night time snack.

So while it has been hard, I seem to have come to peace with my limited selection. I try not to nibble on treats and not lick my fingers with their food. I stick with my protein options. Today I had a really yummy cottage cheese pancake. No, really. It was good. Especially after almost 3 weeks of very uncreative food.

I have caused myself trouble a couple of times. I had my first "dumping" eating something I was allowed to have! I had a protein drink that I blended with some strawberries. But because I drank it quite quickly and had an entire serving, it was too much sugar for my body. I felt awful. I got the kids set up with their stuff and then I laid down and snoozed for an hour. Nauseous, dizzy, racing heart... My plan is to not do that again. The other trouble was eating some chicken. I made some chicken broth and took the chicken out. It was very tender from the slow simmer and I really do like meat, so I ate some. The first couple of bites were good and I tried to chew them lots. But after a few bites, the chicken got hung up. It hurt so much. I was pacing, sipping water to try to flush some out, I went to the bathroom. I felt like I was going to throw up. After about 10 mins, it passed. Whew! It was good chicken, but not that good.

So, what is the name of the animal that doesn't remember very well? Maybe Kristi-Bisti. Not 2 hours later, I ate more chicken. But I did learn something. I didn't eat as much! Ha! Yeah, but I still paced and went to the bathroom and this time I did throw up! I think it was mainly the water I had drunk in order to pass some food through. The chicken was so backed up that the water couldn't even get through. But just in case you have lost your faith in me, I did learn even more because the next night, I blended some chicken salad instead of just eating the big strands. See. I can learn. After a long time. After a lot of pain. But I can learn.

The other thing that is bothering me is the scale. I know it's not great to weigh everyday, but I have decided to do that. I mark it down on the page where I write my food for the day. Can you believe that even eating under 800 calories a day that I gained weight today? I'm still a bit dismayed. I might be down 30lbs, but gaining .5lb can really put a damper on things. I am wondering what will happen in the morning. Oh well. Whatever happens, I will try to remember it from the scale to my book and then write it down. I have actually had to reweigh because I couldn't remember what the number was. I can't even blame it on prego brain!

So, I have to give a shout out to my first commenter: KG. Thanks so much for your comment. It's great knowing that there is someone out there reading my ramblings!