Yesterday was my son's birthday. He turned 4. I love watching them get older and "wiser". Alex is coming up with some pretty long words and sentences these days. It is cute watching him try to get all of those syllables out.
The plan was to have the family over for lunch and dessert and open presents. Everyone left by about 4pm or so. Lunch was chili and homemade biscuits with cake and ice cream for dessert.
The last few days, it has been hard to eat at meal time. I take a few bits and then it hurts, so I stop. I'm starting to worry that I will never be able to eat again! When I finally did get to eat yesterday - after feeding everyone else including my baby - my pureed chili wasn't feeling so good. I thought, "here we go again. 2 bites and that will be all I can have." I wasn't hungry. It's more akin to realizing I haven't eaten in a while and I really need to eat something now.
After I got up to do a couple of things, I came back to the chili, and this time, it went down real nice! I finished my 1/2 cup and could have had more. Up until then, I had been eyeing the cake. In the past, I could have eaten 2 or 3 pieces of cake with lots of icing and then eaten another 3 or 4 later that evening once everyone was gone. I knew I had to be careful, because I didn't want to dump in the middle of the party, but I had been eyeing the icing all day!
After my chili, I took a small - about 1 centimetre thick by 3 centimetre wide - edge piece for more icing. I started with the icing, then went to the cake. Eventually, I left about 1/2 of what I took on my plate. Not bad. I didn't feel sick at all. Of course, not feeling sick is both good and bad. Good because I don't feel like I"m going to keel over and die, but bad because now my mind is telling me I can have more. I did. I had a bite here, a lick there. I had more than I should have, but not enough to dump.
I knew it would show on the scale today. And it did. I find it amazing how over the course of a day, I can be moving non stop and only have about 500 caloried, but eat too many carbs and I will gain weight. Yesterday I gained .4 of a pound. It baffles my mind.
Oh well. I figure I'm down about 36 lbs from my highest. That's not too bad. But don't you dare let anyone tell you this is easy. 'Cause IT'S NOT!!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Attila
Hey folks!
Life has definitely returned to normal around here. After, let's call it "NOVEMBER", it is nice to just have the normal stresses of life such as my mother in law coming for a week, completely retraining my mind and body to think and eat differently, and handle children who had a month off from Attila the Mom. ha ha! I really like that... Attila the Mom!
I am chalking it up to school, buy my daughter's attitude has tanked. Everything is "NO" or an argument or just completely ignoring me. I have recently threatened her with removal from school. I always toyed with home-schooling until a year ago, but it is top of mind these days!
My son would rather watch tv all day instead of go to school. He only chose to go to school when he learned that he wouldn't be allowed to watch tv all day. This guy is only 4! What is going to happen when he is 13?!?!
And today, the baby was really fussy. She is so cute that I am prone to forget about it until she starts crying again. She was in her high chair and started talking. I was on the phone. Eventually the talking turned into high pitched wails which would stop as soon as I would turn around and look at her. She might only be 6 mos, but she is pretty good at getting mommy's attention!
The food thing has been very challenging. I now know that the requested lobotomy was not performed. They only operated on my stomach, not my brain. Being the mom and doting wife, I spend most of my day in the kitchen preparing food for my charges. I try and feed the big kids first and then the baby because she needs me to transport the food from the bowl to her mouth. Then I get my food. Then I clean up a bit (really, only a bit) and by the time I finish my bit, it's time for snack again. The other challenging part is my son asks for a snack every 15 mins or so it seems. My sis in law told me to take away his snack if he pesters me, but I haven't gotten their yet. I may have to soon for some sanity. Anyway, so then it's snack, then lunch times 3, then it's snack again, then snack for my daughter out of school, then it's time to make dinner, then eat dinner then clean up then my night time snack.
So while it has been hard, I seem to have come to peace with my limited selection. I try not to nibble on treats and not lick my fingers with their food. I stick with my protein options. Today I had a really yummy cottage cheese pancake. No, really. It was good. Especially after almost 3 weeks of very uncreative food.
I have caused myself trouble a couple of times. I had my first "dumping" eating something I was allowed to have! I had a protein drink that I blended with some strawberries. But because I drank it quite quickly and had an entire serving, it was too much sugar for my body. I felt awful. I got the kids set up with their stuff and then I laid down and snoozed for an hour. Nauseous, dizzy, racing heart... My plan is to not do that again. The other trouble was eating some chicken. I made some chicken broth and took the chicken out. It was very tender from the slow simmer and I really do like meat, so I ate some. The first couple of bites were good and I tried to chew them lots. But after a few bites, the chicken got hung up. It hurt so much. I was pacing, sipping water to try to flush some out, I went to the bathroom. I felt like I was going to throw up. After about 10 mins, it passed. Whew! It was good chicken, but not that good.
So, what is the name of the animal that doesn't remember very well? Maybe Kristi-Bisti. Not 2 hours later, I ate more chicken. But I did learn something. I didn't eat as much! Ha! Yeah, but I still paced and went to the bathroom and this time I did throw up! I think it was mainly the water I had drunk in order to pass some food through. The chicken was so backed up that the water couldn't even get through. But just in case you have lost your faith in me, I did learn even more because the next night, I blended some chicken salad instead of just eating the big strands. See. I can learn. After a long time. After a lot of pain. But I can learn.
The other thing that is bothering me is the scale. I know it's not great to weigh everyday, but I have decided to do that. I mark it down on the page where I write my food for the day. Can you believe that even eating under 800 calories a day that I gained weight today? I'm still a bit dismayed. I might be down 30lbs, but gaining .5lb can really put a damper on things. I am wondering what will happen in the morning. Oh well. Whatever happens, I will try to remember it from the scale to my book and then write it down. I have actually had to reweigh because I couldn't remember what the number was. I can't even blame it on prego brain!
So, I have to give a shout out to my first commenter: KG. Thanks so much for your comment. It's great knowing that there is someone out there reading my ramblings!
Life has definitely returned to normal around here. After, let's call it "NOVEMBER", it is nice to just have the normal stresses of life such as my mother in law coming for a week, completely retraining my mind and body to think and eat differently, and handle children who had a month off from Attila the Mom. ha ha! I really like that... Attila the Mom!
I am chalking it up to school, buy my daughter's attitude has tanked. Everything is "NO" or an argument or just completely ignoring me. I have recently threatened her with removal from school. I always toyed with home-schooling until a year ago, but it is top of mind these days!
My son would rather watch tv all day instead of go to school. He only chose to go to school when he learned that he wouldn't be allowed to watch tv all day. This guy is only 4! What is going to happen when he is 13?!?!
And today, the baby was really fussy. She is so cute that I am prone to forget about it until she starts crying again. She was in her high chair and started talking. I was on the phone. Eventually the talking turned into high pitched wails which would stop as soon as I would turn around and look at her. She might only be 6 mos, but she is pretty good at getting mommy's attention!
The food thing has been very challenging. I now know that the requested lobotomy was not performed. They only operated on my stomach, not my brain. Being the mom and doting wife, I spend most of my day in the kitchen preparing food for my charges. I try and feed the big kids first and then the baby because she needs me to transport the food from the bowl to her mouth. Then I get my food. Then I clean up a bit (really, only a bit) and by the time I finish my bit, it's time for snack again. The other challenging part is my son asks for a snack every 15 mins or so it seems. My sis in law told me to take away his snack if he pesters me, but I haven't gotten their yet. I may have to soon for some sanity. Anyway, so then it's snack, then lunch times 3, then it's snack again, then snack for my daughter out of school, then it's time to make dinner, then eat dinner then clean up then my night time snack.
So while it has been hard, I seem to have come to peace with my limited selection. I try not to nibble on treats and not lick my fingers with their food. I stick with my protein options. Today I had a really yummy cottage cheese pancake. No, really. It was good. Especially after almost 3 weeks of very uncreative food.
I have caused myself trouble a couple of times. I had my first "dumping" eating something I was allowed to have! I had a protein drink that I blended with some strawberries. But because I drank it quite quickly and had an entire serving, it was too much sugar for my body. I felt awful. I got the kids set up with their stuff and then I laid down and snoozed for an hour. Nauseous, dizzy, racing heart... My plan is to not do that again. The other trouble was eating some chicken. I made some chicken broth and took the chicken out. It was very tender from the slow simmer and I really do like meat, so I ate some. The first couple of bites were good and I tried to chew them lots. But after a few bites, the chicken got hung up. It hurt so much. I was pacing, sipping water to try to flush some out, I went to the bathroom. I felt like I was going to throw up. After about 10 mins, it passed. Whew! It was good chicken, but not that good.
So, what is the name of the animal that doesn't remember very well? Maybe Kristi-Bisti. Not 2 hours later, I ate more chicken. But I did learn something. I didn't eat as much! Ha! Yeah, but I still paced and went to the bathroom and this time I did throw up! I think it was mainly the water I had drunk in order to pass some food through. The chicken was so backed up that the water couldn't even get through. But just in case you have lost your faith in me, I did learn even more because the next night, I blended some chicken salad instead of just eating the big strands. See. I can learn. After a long time. After a lot of pain. But I can learn.
The other thing that is bothering me is the scale. I know it's not great to weigh everyday, but I have decided to do that. I mark it down on the page where I write my food for the day. Can you believe that even eating under 800 calories a day that I gained weight today? I'm still a bit dismayed. I might be down 30lbs, but gaining .5lb can really put a damper on things. I am wondering what will happen in the morning. Oh well. Whatever happens, I will try to remember it from the scale to my book and then write it down. I have actually had to reweigh because I couldn't remember what the number was. I can't even blame it on prego brain!
So, I have to give a shout out to my first commenter: KG. Thanks so much for your comment. It's great knowing that there is someone out there reading my ramblings!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
oh, crap!
Well, there is a lot to catch up on. But to be honest, the main reason I am writing is to try and work out why I just ate an entire can of creamed corn.
The can is 398mLs. I thought my pouch was no where near that big. I am only eating 1/2 cup per meal and now I just ate almost 2 cups without a problem. At the beginning, I was chewing thoroughly, but the corn went down so well that I would only chew once or twice. Right now, I am sick in the head and heart because of what I just did, but I don't feel sick to my stomach.
As you may know, my life has been full of stressful events. God has miraculously carried me through it. My mood has been really good and I haven't felt uptight or pressure on me as I have gone through November. Normally I crack at the smallest increase in stress.
Tonight, as I put the kids to bed after being with them for most of the day, I wasn't upset or angry, just tired and ready for some quiet time to myself. My almost 4 yr old son is constantly talking and asking questions and the constancy of it gets to me at times. So, as Alex proceeded to get up and not stay in bed, and as my daughter kept yelling to me while I was on the phone, I felt my energy draining.
After I knew that Alex would stay in bed for good, I went into the kitchen thinking that it was time to start drinking again. I didn't want any water. I wanted something sweet. Oh, okay. I can have some crystal light water. That would work. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the can of corn. I really like cream corn. It is sweet and smooth and yet it is still technically food, so not as bad for me. As I opened the can, I told myself that it would be my evening snack. It doesn't have much protein, but that would be fine this time.
I didn't dish myself out a portion. I just took the can to the computer and ate. I noticed in the can when I had eaten about 1/2 cup. "Wow. That went fast. I'm already done 1/2 cup!" And then I kept going. When my son called me again, before I went to his room, I took a couple of extra bites for the road. Then i returned and finished the can.
I am not impressed.
So, is my stomach that big now or did the cream squish out fast so I could fit it all in? I just invested so much into this surgery and this is how I am? What is going to happen in the future? I'm already bummed because I haven't lost any weight for 3 or 4 days. I really don't get it. How can I hardly eat, and my body still not give anything up?? I am so ticked about that. Everyone always says, "calories in, calories out" but right now, I don't buy it.
I will need to post more regularly, so I can use this as my journal. I need to work this stuff out before I get to the can of corn. The problem is that I know what I need to do, but don't usually do it. I hate living intentionally.
The can is 398mLs. I thought my pouch was no where near that big. I am only eating 1/2 cup per meal and now I just ate almost 2 cups without a problem. At the beginning, I was chewing thoroughly, but the corn went down so well that I would only chew once or twice. Right now, I am sick in the head and heart because of what I just did, but I don't feel sick to my stomach.
As you may know, my life has been full of stressful events. God has miraculously carried me through it. My mood has been really good and I haven't felt uptight or pressure on me as I have gone through November. Normally I crack at the smallest increase in stress.
Tonight, as I put the kids to bed after being with them for most of the day, I wasn't upset or angry, just tired and ready for some quiet time to myself. My almost 4 yr old son is constantly talking and asking questions and the constancy of it gets to me at times. So, as Alex proceeded to get up and not stay in bed, and as my daughter kept yelling to me while I was on the phone, I felt my energy draining.
After I knew that Alex would stay in bed for good, I went into the kitchen thinking that it was time to start drinking again. I didn't want any water. I wanted something sweet. Oh, okay. I can have some crystal light water. That would work. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the can of corn. I really like cream corn. It is sweet and smooth and yet it is still technically food, so not as bad for me. As I opened the can, I told myself that it would be my evening snack. It doesn't have much protein, but that would be fine this time.
I didn't dish myself out a portion. I just took the can to the computer and ate. I noticed in the can when I had eaten about 1/2 cup. "Wow. That went fast. I'm already done 1/2 cup!" And then I kept going. When my son called me again, before I went to his room, I took a couple of extra bites for the road. Then i returned and finished the can.
I am not impressed.
So, is my stomach that big now or did the cream squish out fast so I could fit it all in? I just invested so much into this surgery and this is how I am? What is going to happen in the future? I'm already bummed because I haven't lost any weight for 3 or 4 days. I really don't get it. How can I hardly eat, and my body still not give anything up?? I am so ticked about that. Everyone always says, "calories in, calories out" but right now, I don't buy it.
I will need to post more regularly, so I can use this as my journal. I need to work this stuff out before I get to the can of corn. The problem is that I know what I need to do, but don't usually do it. I hate living intentionally.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Good Vibrations
This is it! I leave on a jet plane and I don't know when I'll be back again. Not entirely true, but the song came to mind. My flight to Montreal is tomorrow morning. I'm not totally packed or ready, but whatever. I'm going to be leaving my house a disaster and some paperwork left undone, but I am not in the mood to deal with it. I think I have the basics of what I need. I really don't need much, but can get whatever I might not remember.
I got a cough this weekend. and now it is turning more into a cold. I phoned the dr. office and she said she would call back after checking it out. She didn't call back, so I assume everything is a go. I am just so paranoid that they are going to cancel me .
It's really not a surprise that I'm sick again, considering the amount of stress going on over here. Anada is getting better, but now needs physio to help her range of motion, Alex is sick again (like his mom) and Karissa is fine. Norm is trying to sell one business and get into another and make money at the same time. We are so tired and just ready for everything to settle down.
A lot of my church has been praying for us. I am so thankful that God hears and answers prayer. I can't imagine the shape I would be in without all the prayer support. Probably something resembling a ball of goo curled up on the floor.
If you're a praying type, I would appreciate your prayers. If not, I'll take all the good vibes I can get!!!
I got a cough this weekend. and now it is turning more into a cold. I phoned the dr. office and she said she would call back after checking it out. She didn't call back, so I assume everything is a go. I am just so paranoid that they are going to cancel me .
It's really not a surprise that I'm sick again, considering the amount of stress going on over here. Anada is getting better, but now needs physio to help her range of motion, Alex is sick again (like his mom) and Karissa is fine. Norm is trying to sell one business and get into another and make money at the same time. We are so tired and just ready for everything to settle down.
A lot of my church has been praying for us. I am so thankful that God hears and answers prayer. I can't imagine the shape I would be in without all the prayer support. Probably something resembling a ball of goo curled up on the floor.
If you're a praying type, I would appreciate your prayers. If not, I'll take all the good vibes I can get!!!
Friday, November 13, 2009
found another one
8. I really want to eat this right now. I will stay on program all day tomorrow. So, it's okay if I don't follow the program today.
Let's work it out
k, I'm set for gastric bypass surgery in 5 days (not including today.) I am supposed to be drinking meal replacements instead of eating. It will get my liver in shape for the surgery. I don't think I have gone through an entire day of just having my shakes.
Why?
1. They told me that this is only to get my liver in shape. At the physical assessment, the dr. told me my liver wasn't that big. So it's okay to not follow the program.
2. I know the shakes will put me in ketosis. If I eat protein and fat other than the shakes, it shouldn't affect ketosis. So it's okay not to follow the program.
3. While I was supposed to be having my last hurrah, I was in the hospital eating hospital food. I feel deprived and want to have what I may never be able to have again. So, it's okay not to follow the program.
4. Our lives have been very stressful the last few weeks with sickness, business issues and the upcoming surgery. How can I make it through without eating? So, it's okay to not follow the program.
5. It was my dad's 65th. The pineapple dessert looked great. So it's okay to not follow the program.
6. My husband doesn't stop me from eating other food. So, it's okay to not follow the program.
7. There is chocolate in the house! It must be okay to not follow the program.
So, those are the excuses I can come up with off the top of my head. If I remember more, I will add them. These excuses are setting me up for failure. Because I am not following the program, I am starting to doubt what I will do after the surgery. What a head game!
Note to self: It's NOT ok to not follow the program. There are only 5 days left. You can persevere. You can make it. You have done harder things for longer.
Why?
1. They told me that this is only to get my liver in shape. At the physical assessment, the dr. told me my liver wasn't that big. So it's okay to not follow the program.
2. I know the shakes will put me in ketosis. If I eat protein and fat other than the shakes, it shouldn't affect ketosis. So it's okay not to follow the program.
3. While I was supposed to be having my last hurrah, I was in the hospital eating hospital food. I feel deprived and want to have what I may never be able to have again. So, it's okay not to follow the program.
4. Our lives have been very stressful the last few weeks with sickness, business issues and the upcoming surgery. How can I make it through without eating? So, it's okay to not follow the program.
5. It was my dad's 65th. The pineapple dessert looked great. So it's okay to not follow the program.
6. My husband doesn't stop me from eating other food. So, it's okay to not follow the program.
7. There is chocolate in the house! It must be okay to not follow the program.
So, those are the excuses I can come up with off the top of my head. If I remember more, I will add them. These excuses are setting me up for failure. Because I am not following the program, I am starting to doubt what I will do after the surgery. What a head game!
Note to self: It's NOT ok to not follow the program. There are only 5 days left. You can persevere. You can make it. You have done harder things for longer.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
elephants
You know, when I started this blog thing, I thought it would be no big deal. I would write in it often, I would try to be funny but probably would not succeed and it would solve all the world's problems - especially mine. It seems that I hardly write here. I don't even know if there are any people reading this! Oh well. Every few weeks will have to do.
My world is so crazy right not. My daughter had surgery almost 2 weeks ago for an aggressive infection. It was not flesh-eating, but almost. We were in the hospital for 8 days. That is a long time to be out of it. This might sound funny, but I actually really appreciated the time I got to be with my daughter. I fell in love with her all over again. She is patient, kind, helpful, tolerant, long-suffering and CUTE! Then she started to feel better, and was her old self again which includes the aforementioned qualities with stubborn and annoying thrown in. I learned a lot from this. I now know I trust God with our lives. My daughter could have died. I did not want her to die, and am very thankful that her life was spared. But, even with all the best medical care, if God decided to take her, she would be gone. She is only "on loan" and when her time is up is not for me to decide. It was amazing to experience the peace of God, trusting Him to work it all out knowing He would not take her on a whim.
I am also very thankful that we live in Canada. Often I would ponder how the situation might be different if we lived elsewhere. If we lived under a private medical system, we would be financially destitute. Instead of a $100 parking bill, we would have a $100 000 hospital bill. Would the cost of every test and every dose of medicine weigh on my mind as an expense rather than just more treatment my daughter needs? I imagine I would not hold back on anything regarding her care, but the stress of knowing I can't pay the fees quickly accumulating would weigh very heavily on my mind.
So that's my daughter. Both my son and myself got an infection and are on antibiotics. My baby daughter has been teething and she also might have an ear infection. It's hard to know if the ear thing is from the teething or from the bacteria. Good thing she has her 6 month check up tomorrow!
My husband and I have decided to shut down our business. With everyone sick and me in the hospital, it was very hard for Norm to work and make any sales. The end was coming the end of December, but recent events have really pushed us to the end much more quickly than we had planned. So, we're trying to plan the end of the papers and find a new job. Norm has enjoyed sales and wants to continue in that area. He has a meeting with a sales manager tomorrow for a job. It sounds really promising, and hopefully it will work out.
Speaking of elephants in the room... I haven't had my surgery yet. It is next week. Wow. I haven't had time to really dwell on it or even get my plans worked out. For the 2 weeks before the surgery, they give you shakes to drink. This is to clean out your liver of all the fat so it is easy to move during the surgery. They don't taste bad and are relatively filling. I haven't been doing well on them. My 2 weeks started while I was in the hospital, and I didn't have them with me. I began eating less and avoiding a lot of carbs. Because when we eat carbs, our body burns them, but when we don't eat as many carbs, our body burns the glycogen stored in our liver. I started the shakes last Friday. I don't think I have made it through an entire day without eating anything else.
I am also feeling deprived. Since I was hidden away in the hospital, I didn't have a chance for any real last hurrahs. I didn't get to go out for my sushi or ice cream or pasta. Now, I'm supposed to be drinking these drinks, but I want to have cake! I am trying to tell myself that it is just food. It can't be important to me anymore, but for the next week, it still is. I'm really torn. I can't just look at my liver to see if it's in good shape or not. Will my 70/30 effort be enough?
This has also brought doubts in my mind as to whether I will be able to really succeed at this. If I can't manage 2 weeks of liquid, how will I manage a lifetime of healthier eating? How can I live without giving into all of my food obsessions? I am actually considering attending a grief group to deal with the death of my long time companion. If I do, I don't think I could actually talk because the other people might think I am mocking them. Food has been my idol. It has meant so much to me. Eating out has been one of my most favourite thing to do. Food has been my way to break the ice with people. It's really easy to talk about food or go out with someone to eat and if I wasn't comfortable in the situation, I could just hang out by the food table. Everyone loves food - especially sugar, salt and fat - but it doesn't kill most people. It is killing me.
I don't feel dead yet. But I no longer live. Here's to a new life. Cheers.
My world is so crazy right not. My daughter had surgery almost 2 weeks ago for an aggressive infection. It was not flesh-eating, but almost. We were in the hospital for 8 days. That is a long time to be out of it. This might sound funny, but I actually really appreciated the time I got to be with my daughter. I fell in love with her all over again. She is patient, kind, helpful, tolerant, long-suffering and CUTE! Then she started to feel better, and was her old self again which includes the aforementioned qualities with stubborn and annoying thrown in. I learned a lot from this. I now know I trust God with our lives. My daughter could have died. I did not want her to die, and am very thankful that her life was spared. But, even with all the best medical care, if God decided to take her, she would be gone. She is only "on loan" and when her time is up is not for me to decide. It was amazing to experience the peace of God, trusting Him to work it all out knowing He would not take her on a whim.
I am also very thankful that we live in Canada. Often I would ponder how the situation might be different if we lived elsewhere. If we lived under a private medical system, we would be financially destitute. Instead of a $100 parking bill, we would have a $100 000 hospital bill. Would the cost of every test and every dose of medicine weigh on my mind as an expense rather than just more treatment my daughter needs? I imagine I would not hold back on anything regarding her care, but the stress of knowing I can't pay the fees quickly accumulating would weigh very heavily on my mind.
So that's my daughter. Both my son and myself got an infection and are on antibiotics. My baby daughter has been teething and she also might have an ear infection. It's hard to know if the ear thing is from the teething or from the bacteria. Good thing she has her 6 month check up tomorrow!
My husband and I have decided to shut down our business. With everyone sick and me in the hospital, it was very hard for Norm to work and make any sales. The end was coming the end of December, but recent events have really pushed us to the end much more quickly than we had planned. So, we're trying to plan the end of the papers and find a new job. Norm has enjoyed sales and wants to continue in that area. He has a meeting with a sales manager tomorrow for a job. It sounds really promising, and hopefully it will work out.
Speaking of elephants in the room... I haven't had my surgery yet. It is next week. Wow. I haven't had time to really dwell on it or even get my plans worked out. For the 2 weeks before the surgery, they give you shakes to drink. This is to clean out your liver of all the fat so it is easy to move during the surgery. They don't taste bad and are relatively filling. I haven't been doing well on them. My 2 weeks started while I was in the hospital, and I didn't have them with me. I began eating less and avoiding a lot of carbs. Because when we eat carbs, our body burns them, but when we don't eat as many carbs, our body burns the glycogen stored in our liver. I started the shakes last Friday. I don't think I have made it through an entire day without eating anything else.
I am also feeling deprived. Since I was hidden away in the hospital, I didn't have a chance for any real last hurrahs. I didn't get to go out for my sushi or ice cream or pasta. Now, I'm supposed to be drinking these drinks, but I want to have cake! I am trying to tell myself that it is just food. It can't be important to me anymore, but for the next week, it still is. I'm really torn. I can't just look at my liver to see if it's in good shape or not. Will my 70/30 effort be enough?
This has also brought doubts in my mind as to whether I will be able to really succeed at this. If I can't manage 2 weeks of liquid, how will I manage a lifetime of healthier eating? How can I live without giving into all of my food obsessions? I am actually considering attending a grief group to deal with the death of my long time companion. If I do, I don't think I could actually talk because the other people might think I am mocking them. Food has been my idol. It has meant so much to me. Eating out has been one of my most favourite thing to do. Food has been my way to break the ice with people. It's really easy to talk about food or go out with someone to eat and if I wasn't comfortable in the situation, I could just hang out by the food table. Everyone loves food - especially sugar, salt and fat - but it doesn't kill most people. It is killing me.
I don't feel dead yet. But I no longer live. Here's to a new life. Cheers.
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