wohoo!

Did I ever tell you I am glad I have this blog to write it all out at 12:15 in the morning? I went to bed early tonight, read a very long chapter in my book and tried to sleep. 10:30, 10:50, 11:17... My mind wouldn't quit! I finally decided to get up and write it all down so I could tell myself not to worry. I won't forget anything.

The big news is that the clinic in Montreal (pronounced mow-ray-al - well not really "mow", but it's closer to mow than to mon) called today to schedule an appointment. I thought I would have my consultation over the phone and only have to travel for the actual surgery. But no. (Hey! I just got it. It's probably closer to "mo" than "mow". so please pronounce it mo-ray-al.) I need to show my chubby self in person both to the dr. and to the psychologist. And soon! my appointment is on Oct. 5.

This has really got me thinking about all that I need to do to be prepared for the consultation. I need to have answers for why i need this surgery and how I got this big. I need to know how I will handle myself after the surgery and how I won't fail. I also am spending a lot of mental energy on how to speak in French.

At one point in my life, I was very good at french. In university, I felt pretty proficient. I had a large enough vocab and these words came to me quickly enough to speak without feeling like a dork. Now, 15, heck, almost 20 years later, I found myself lying in bed thinking, "how do I pronounce 'ouest'? what will I tell the cab driver? Do I try to speak in French or will they understand my english?" Making phone calls to book hotels and speak with the drs, I had no problem in English. I have heard that it is easier to be served in English in Montreal than French. But I would like to be able to converse like I used to. Today on the phone, I was tempted to respond in French, but by the time a couple of seconds passed, I realized it was a hopeless cause. Now I wonder if maybe I should take some French courses to learn it all over again.

But back to the surgery again. I am worried that they will tell me "no". that i won't be considered a good candidate. I don't know how many people they turn down, but I don't want to be one of them. One clinic in the states talks about all the people they turn down, this website doesn't, so I hope that means they don't.

The other thing I spent time on today was going throught he medical transcription program I am considering. I'm not sure whether I should do this or not. The online program takes at least a year. Am I that disciplined? I think I will enjoy it. I love typing, I love learning about medical stuff and I could work from home. But will I have enough time to work on it? I have 3 kids, i'm planning on having major surgery and changing my life as I have known it for 37 years. Can I add something else that will demand so much? I also just started a Bible study that has homework. (hear screeching in the background.) I want to study God's word more. Right now, it's the easiest to forget or purposefully leave out of my day. That's not how I want to live. I want my faith to be vital in my life. I want Jesus to change my life the way the surgery will. That requires "spiritual disciplines". My old pattern has been to do it for a while and then leave it behind for a longer while. I have thus far evaded the discipline part of disciple.

Speaking of God, today my daughter asked God to live in her. She has been experiencing a lot of fear these days. For a long time she was afraid of the dragon in her dream. It was always trying to eat her hand. The last couple of days, she has been afraid of getting cancer. They had the Terry Fox Run at school yesterday and in the process of talking about Terry and cancer, Anada came up with the thought of how bad it would be for her to get cancer. I have been unable to tell her that she for sure won't get cancer (because she just might) and so I have been telling her how the only way to handle it is to trust Jesus. He's the only one who can control whether she will get cancer or not. We can try to live well by eating our veggies and being active, but we all know lots of healthy people who get cancer. I believe that God controls what happens to us, the good and the bad. Even Job, in the Bible, who lost everything and nearly died, was being tested by Satan with the permission of God. God allowed all of that to happen. God allowed me to have depression for most of my life. God allows everything as he works out what was meant for evil to be used for good. This gives me a lot of peace. Even with this surgery thing coming up, one of the risks is death. I could die. or maybe even worse, I could live but be permanently sick or injured. I take much comfort in the fact that whatever happens is in God's control. Only what he wants for me will happen. I don't plan on getting sick, but if I do, I can trust that he allowed it to happen and his greater glory will result.

So Anada prayed. She did have a joy on her face after. I pray that God will transform her, that even though she is only 5, that she will understand what she can and tu rn to God for the rest of her life.



So, am I ready to sleep? I hope so!