My bags are packed

Okay, my bags are not packed, but I'm only taking a backpack to Montreal so it shouldn't take long.

I am getting soooo excited about the thought that the possibility of dealing with my overeating and weight problems in a permanent way! I am really looking forward to the freedom that a small stomach affords. I am looking forward to immediate feedback from my body if I eat something inappropriate. I am thinking ahead to getting new clothes - even from my own wardrobe - and wondering what kind of clothes I will pick. I am looking forward to being able to choose from more than 3 stores. I am even hoping my feet will shrink and I won't have to buy old lady shoes because my feet are so fat.

I have been smaller, but not that much smaller. I was at 228 lbs for about 8 months, down from 275, until I got pregnant with my oldest. I was about a size 18 then. I felt amazing. People didn't recognize me. I wasn't ashamed to meet people. Yet, my BMI was 39.1 at that weight. Just 0.9 away from qualifying for surgery. Amazing. Perspective is everything. When I hit 228 on the way up, in high school, I sure didn't feel amazing! At every weight, I lamented how I looked and felt. Yet, to be that weight now would be great. If, 2 years ago, I hated being 260, I would love to be 260 now. Even though I would qualify, I might not even consider surgery at that weight.

I read on the WW site, that one pound is so lonely and rejected because no one ever wants to lose one pound. That's true for me.

I love the White Coat Black Art podcast on CBC. Here's the link http://www.cbc.ca/whitecoat/
Last week he did a show on bariatric surgery. One person he interviewed said putting a morbidly obese person on a diet is like telling an heroin addict that they can shoot up, but only at these times and only a certain amount. That heroin addict would die. Yet we tell "fat" people to not only shop, plan, and prepare all their own meals without going over their allotted portion for that time. We are surrounded with porn: sex and food. You can't drive down any roads without passing fat, salt and sugar in the shape of a meal.

While I subcribe to the notion that many obese people are addicts to food, it's a catch 22. Going the "anonymous" route seems much like a diet with some spirituality thrown in. I'm not sure that taking the 12 steps of AA and replacing food can work for a lot of people. I attended Overeaters Anonymous for about 3 years. I found people who I could relate with and had very similar stories as I did, but I found very little recovery. In my group, it was hard to find a sponsor because there were so few of them. (That, and I hate asking for help.) The idea of maintaining any kind of "abstinence" is really difficult when surrounded by food porn.

It is possible that I am not a fan because it didn't work for me. yeah, maybe. But I also know, that it doesn't work for a lot of people. One stat I heard a few years ago stated that fewer than 10% of people get sober through 12 steps.

That just brings to mind that maybe the 12 steps are great for keeping one sober, once that has been attained. Maybe I should consider going back to OA to work on my stuff after my surgery, when it is impossible to eat. Hmmm.

Let's go back to Montreal... So I leave home at around noon and get into mo-ray-al around 8. I get to my beautiful sounding B&B, sleep - or toss and turn, don't eat the amazing breakfast they have prepared, walk to the hospital, have blood work, get to the assessment clinic, assess for 6 hours and head back to the airport to go home. BUSY! Hence the backpack. I don't want to be lugging a suitcase all over the island!

I've been trying to research ways of getting around for cheap. A taxi from the airport is almost $40 to downtown. The shuttle is only 16, but it doesn't go directly to my b&B. I don't really want to wander around downtown Montreal at 9pm. And then going back to the airport, there are a few options with a bus or train. I'm not sure about the airport shuttle. I have no idea where it goes. Maybe cabs are my easiest bet. Maybe on my next trip for my surgery I will be more adventurous. At least before they cut me open!

My husband has really been getting on my nerves lately. He forgot to pay our insurance bill, he didn't buckle the baby up and she fell out of her rocking chair, he doesn't clean up after himself around the house and he hasn't made a sale! Writing this makes me feel like a shmuk because he loves me more than I know. Oh yeah, that's another thing... He doesn't stop telling me he loves me! I can't even believe that I'm complaining about that, but right now, it's like I'm a very dark, deep abyss. His comments and compliments just get sucked in and vanish. I don't store them and remind myself later. They don't make me feel good about myself. I just think, "Yeah, right." How aweful is that? I definitely don't deserve him.

Well, I guess that's enough for today. Good Night.