pins and needles

I just can't wait for the phone call from the clinic in Montreal saying, "it's time for your consultation and when would you like to schedule your life-saving, life-altering, minimally invasive gastric bypass surgery with the only surgeon in Canada doing these surgeries full time?"

I would answer, "Tomorrow, please."

I have been eating a lot more lately. It doesn't seem to matter that I am not hungry. All that does matter is that there is a constant stream of sugary, fat laden food ready to stretch my already swollen belly. Ok, and I'm not trying to cop out on this, but I think that part of the equation is working on WW for a couple of months. I didn't deprive myself, by any means, but the idea of staying within a limit has set off the rebellious part of my nature where I show the world that nothing can hold me in.

I have been eating a lot faster than normal. As I am eating, it is like I am watching someone else put all of this food into my mouth. There is a small, quiet voice objecting to my behaviour. But this voice barely squeaks out, "you're not really hungry, you know" and "um, if you don't want to, you don't really, um, have to, um, eat that." The voice must know that I am likely to shout it out of existence if it dares to be audible. I picture a cartoon character's hair being blown back by the force out of my mouth. The venom that spews when anyone dares question me.

Even today, I have eaten very regularly for most of the day. I had a dessert when I got home from dinner and now I am plotting my snack for tv. My dessert was literally full of air and my tummy is very full. That's no concern. Chips are flat! they hardly take up any room at all.

Did I mention that I applied for surgery? I really am waiting on pins and needles for the process to proceed. I know they have my application. Now I am waiting for a consult with the dr. and hopefully an appointment shortly thereafter. I am seeing it as unlocking my prison door. That finally, after 34 years, I can live my life without food being the center. The surgery not only makes my stomach the size of my thumb, but it also cuts the nerves from my stomach to my brain. It will actually change the way I think about food. I have heard 0f people who actually have to force themselves to eat because they forget. I currently eat just in case I might get hungry.

A lot of people thing surgery is extreme. You know what? It is! I am planning to have my body permanently altered through surgery where the risk includes death.

Do you know what else is extreme? That I need to lose more than the majority of women weigh. To be at the bottom end of my healthy BMI, I need to lose 180 lbs. A woman who weighs 180lbs today, would consider herself fat. I need to lose all of her. That is extreme.

Evolutionarily, I would have won. I could outlive most people during a famine. It's the time of plenty that we live in that is the tough part.