This week I had a couple of amazing , completely scale focused victories and then another non-scale victory.
Remember this day: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 - I, kb, weighed less than my hubby for the first time ever!!! This was very exciting. With kids, we talk about who is the biggest in the family. And it is always daddy then mommy then the kids. I have always been uncomfortable in this situation because I knew I was the biggest. Daddy was the tallest, but I was the biggest. It's not something I wanted to admit to anyone but myself so I would never talk about it much. But as of Wednesday, daddy IS the biggest! It's funny, because today we were tied. Norm said I couldn't say I was smaller than him because we were now tied. I had to explain to him very slowly and carefully that I am in possession of the smallest Title. In order for him to earn the title back, he has to go even lower than me. He can't just tie me and expect to have it for himself. As I always remind him: If he had started his diet when I suggested he start, he wouldn't have had to worry about this. At least for a few more pounds.
Then, the next day, my 4 month surgiversary (thanks for reminding me to take pictures tonight!), I was 228.8. This is another milestone for me because it is the number I was at before I got pregnant with my first. I was 228 after losing about 50 lbs. Once I go under this one, I'm in new territory as an adult. I figure I was in my 220's around grade 12 and Bible college and probably 1st year university. During BLTS, I was able to squeeze into an XL from the regular stores, but it was tight. I remember at the beginning of 2nd yr university, I moved up to a size 22 - I hadn't been that high before. Right now, I'm probably a size 20 bottom. I don't have any size 20's, but my 22's are getting loose. I'm trying to make do with what I have until I can reasonably fit into the 18's in my closet. The sad parts are the changes that have happened since having 3 kids. I figure that my belly is a good 4 inches bigger than it was before kids. So, even though I'm the same number, it's not all back to where it was before.
My NSV came at the gym yesterday. Did I tell you I started to jog? My physiotherapist gave me a chart on how to learn to run from the beginning. run 1 minute, walk 4. Do this 4 times. Do it 3 times a week. The next week run 2 mins, walk 3. and so on. So, I tried it out. The kids wanted to play at a park, so I thought I would go for a walk. While I was walking I had a brainwave and tried this out. I was shocked that I could even run for one minute straight. It didn't hurt. I didn't think I would die. I made it through. I even did it the 4 times! I was quite impressed with myself. I continued to jog - although not everytime I exercised. But on Thursday at the gym, I did a very short workout - only 6 - 10 reps and only 1 set - and then I did a tiny bit of cardio. I got on the treadmill and started jogging. I thought, hey! it's time I tried for 2 mins. I was able to do it. Now, let me assure you, I am not going fast. No more than 5 miles an hour. a 12 minute mile. (The guy on the treadmill in front of me was doing 7 minute miles.) But still, I did 2 minutes. I went for my 2nd round, but my back was too sore. I go back to physio on Monday and I need it. I'll ask him about all the jarring. The plan is to ensure a pain free experience.
I was so excited. In the locker room after my 2 minutes, I met a friend and we were able to chat for a minute. Then I chatted with the childcare worker for a bit. I was actually trying to get home fast, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I think I had a divine appointment I needed to wait for.
So, on the way out to the van from the gym, I had my baby in my arm, the diaper bag on my shoulder, my gym bag in one hand and then my son walking along. For the life of me, I couldn't keep baby up, she kept slipping. Please let me explain, that my gym makes you workout before you workout. There are at least 30 stairs to climb when you come in and 30 on the way out. So, trying to get everyone and everything to the van after a workout is almost harder than climbing the stairs on the way in.
I need to preface this next part. I am embarrassed and ashamed and feel (felt?) completely judged by what I am about to share. It was definitely not one of my better parenting moments. I am sharing it because of God's power and glory and how, just an hour ago, He absolutely and completely humbled me with his grace and mercy.
As we approach the van, my son says, "I have to go pee!" I haven't noticed his pee-pee dance yet, but later I found out that some had already got out. I was feeling buoyant with all of the things I described earlier, but overwhelmed at just getting to the van. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I would be able to make it back into the gym, to the toilet for my son to actually use it. I also didn't think I would be able to make it with my hands and arms already in fatigue just getting to where we were. I made the decision to let him pee in front of the van. (That was the not-so-stellar parenting moment.)
I got the baby in and bags in and then turned to deal with said situation. My plan was to get him a little isolated to he wouldn't just be in the middle of the parking lot peeing. As I turned to get him, he had already dropped his pants. Out it started to come.
I was embarrassed as vehicles went by. It is a small parking lot that is always full. At first I was glad there was an open spot beside my van to open my humongous doors. But then someone waited for my son to finish his job and then for us all to get in and close the door in order to use the spot beside me. I didn't want to make eye contact. Like I said, not my proudest moment. But I saw something out of the corner of my eye.
She was saying something to me, but her window was closed. I said "pardon?" (bad decision number 2) She rolled down her window and said "That is DISGUSTING! I can't believe you did that."
Oh my goodness. My heart was pounding. Before I knew it, I was at her shiny, white SUV passenger door talking very loudly in my "I'm about to lose it with a stranger voice." What am I supposed to do? I asked. I have 2 kids, and he had to go and...
Well, I have 3 kids. What if everyone did that? That's gross. - shaking head in utter disgust
I'm sorry if I offended you. That was not what I was trying to do. This is not something I normally do. I am just doing the best I can. I am just doing the best I can! What am I supposed to do?!?!?!? - Arms flailing and voice very high by this point.
She continues her head shaking and rolls up her window.
A 10 second interaction has completely ruined my day. All the joy I had felt previously was gone. For the remainder of the day (yesterday) it affected my mood and dominated my thoughts. Today, it would surface now and then, and wreak havoc, but only occasionally.
All day Thursday I was trying to figure out why I was so riled up. It was over. We may never cross paths again. (hopefully) How come my heart was still beating so fast? Why was I so anxious about it? I settled on the words I mentioned earlier: judged, embarrassed and ashamed.
This woman totally judged me based on that one thing. So just to get even, here are my judgements of her. She says she has 3 kids, but they were not with her at the gym in the middle of the day. Her SUV was clean and new. She has no idea that we had no money for groceries this week. I imagine that money is not a problem for her. She doesn't know what I have gone through the last year. She doesn't know that I have lost 91 pounds in 4 months. She doesn't know me. How dare she judge me and tell me that what I did was disgusting.
I am totally embarrassed by this too. When I think about sharing with friends, I hold myself back. I don't want to admit that I let my son pee in the parking lot. (I almost didn't share it here because more people are asking for the address.) I did it because it was easiest for me and better than telling my son to hold it until he eventually would pee his pants.
The shame is deep. Not only what I did was disgusting, but I am disgusting. Only a disgusting person would allow that to happen. Only a disgusting person would let themselves get so fat. Only a disgusting person could be so unlovable as me. This shame is not on the surface very much. But is something that is deep in my heart. As I write this, the physical pain is deep inside my ribcage.
I have been praying for emotional healing and for God to bring up what needs attention. Shame will be a big one.
Now we have to take a step back into my Lent story. The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I find that I am much more lax on the internet rules. I will search this or that. I'll look up just this one thing. Or I will follow a link because it came to me in my email, which I am allowed to do. Also, my working to see the wonder has been falling off too. I will do a bit, but won't delve in to far. I cut my prayers short for a break. I have missed a few days altogether this week.
Tonight Norm is working (I need to write about that another time.) The kids are sleeping and it is quiet. I turn on my iPod and cross stitch for a while. I have really been missing it. There just isn't enough time to do it, even with limited internet and no tv.
As I'm stitching, I'm thinking about doing my homework. I haven't done it lately. But I convince myself that I need to follow through on the working to see the wonder. I need to do the work. (The study I am doing now is Loving Well by Beth Moore. It is so amazing how God orchestrates exactly what I need to learn at specific times.) So I pull out the journal and start working.
Thoughts of this event keep running through my mind. So I stop to deal with it. I have been praying for Truth. I ask for more Truth.
I sit there and realize that God allowed this to happen. If he is in control, which I believe he is, then he either wanted this or allowed this. He knew it would happen. That really floored me. He is supposed to PROTECT me! He is supposed to care for me. He is supposed to heal me. I am supposed to feel safe with him. How can I feel safe when he allows this to happen? He allowed someone to judge me and make me embarrassed and feel ashamed. Why? I was upset.
Earlier today, on a podcast, the pastor mentioned going to John 8 to learn about demons. God was telling me to read this now. I don't remember the connection to the demon reference - oh, maybe it was being attacked or something like that. Anyway, the pastor didn't give the reference, so I just read from verse 12. Right away, in verse 15, Jesus is telling me "I judge no one." I started bawling. I can feel judged all I want, and others can judge me all they want, but Jesus judges no one!! He doesn't judge me. I was finally able to tell myself that what I did, might not have been the best, but it was NOT a sin. Jesus didn't judge me. Hallelujah! I sat with that for a bit, then I kept reading.
In verse 29 was another doozie. "He has not left me alone." After feeling the abandonment of God, that I couldn't trust him if he would allow this, I read that He has not left me alone, even in this!!! Wow! This utterly changed my spirit. I was free! I am free.
God used these events to break one of my spiritual bondages. I wonder if I have felt abandoned by God for most of my life. It really resonated with me when I thought it and prayed about it.
I have felt isolated from most people for most of my life and abandoned by God when I have asked him for help over and over and over again. I pray that this new truth will be life altering.
Well, it has taken me almost 2 hours to write this. It needed to be written as a memorial to what God is doing. AMEN
Showing posts with label god. Show all posts
Showing posts with label god. Show all posts
Friday, March 19, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Bucking up
Finally an update. It has been pretty busy in my life lately.
Almost a week ago, was my 2 month surgiversary. As I've said before, it hasn't been easy, but some of the things that were hard are getting easier. Things like it no longer feels like I have splinters of wood poking out of my stomach every time I eat. Also, I am better able to read my body signals for fullness and sickness. When it comes to fullness, I have noticed that even though I think I'm full, I will still take another bite or 2 just to test it out. "Maybe I'm not really full." says the old brain. Learning to stop is a challenge. But also, sometimes I do need to push through the first part of the meal before my pouch accepts the last part. It's almost as if my pouch has a closed sign on it and won't switch it to open until it has been shown that what's going down isn't so bad.
I haven't been sick for quite a while. I threw up the other day after drinking fairly fast in order to get a vitamin unstuck from my throat. It was stuck for a couple of days. The throwing up actually helped, so I didn't mind. But other than that, it's probably been a few weeks. I can't remember exactly. Tonight I felt a bit nauseous after eating a cup of cream of chicken soup. It was quite good, but I think there were too many carbs for me to eat at once.
Speaking of soup... This is currently my favourite meal. It is warm, and soft and it goes down so nicely! I made a cream of broccoli soup from scratch last week and it was amazing. It is thickened with a bit of flour, but there are grated carrots in it, so they help to thicken it too. Also, the carrots look like cheese, so your brain is fooled into thinking you are eating cheese, when you aren't! The recipe is at www.eatingwelllivingthin.wordpress.com I am new to her blog, but I will definitely have to spend more time there as she has some really great meals.
The other reason I'm fond of soup is that it is more like drinking than eating and I don't feel like eating. I've been trying quite a few new recipes lately, and very few of them actually appeal to me. I will have my 1 inch square, but then not want to eat it again. (not good for dealing with leftovers.) I feel my jaw clenching shut as if to say, I will not eat. You can't make me! I've been told that the hunger does come back and to enjoy this time of not wanting to eat, but... It feels so odd to not want to eat. To almost be repulsed by food. I've always been repulsed by me when it comes to food, not the food itself! Repulsed by what I ate, or how much I ate or how fast or where I ate, or where I got the food from (ie. the garbage) or how I felt after I ate. I would never look at the food and think, I can't even imagine putting you in my mouth.
In addition, my calorie consumption is still pretty low. I figure I eat somewhere between 400 to 600 calories a day depending on how many peanuts I have. (1/3 cup of the honey roasted ones I have are 300 calories. So, if I have a full serving or a bit more, then my count will be higher.) 200 calories come from my protein drinks.
So let's talk about someone else's eating problems.
My son is refusing to eat almost anything that is put before him as a meal. He is 4 and whatever the food is, he says he doesn't like it. I have never forced my kids to finish their plate or eat what they truly don't like (but I don't make separate food for them either), but I do make them take one bite of whatever it is they have been served. Alex will fight this, but tonight he did it because I told him he couldn't leave the table until he finished his bites. I am also considering cutting out his mid morning and afternoon snacks so that he will be very hungry at meal time. He lives for his snacks right now. They aren't the worst snacks he could be having, but they are not veggies! His favourite is pudding, closely followed by anything else with sugar. I'll have to buck up and really work on a plan for him. Right now it's just a lot easier to let him have what he wants. I really hope this is a phase!!!
I've also been busy going to the gym! YAY! We (Norm and I) signed up in October and I hadn't been since October. We decided to start going while Alex is in school. It's been good. I have been 4 times. I already feel more fit and stronger. I haven't been that sore, but a little just to remind me of what I'm working on. It's not a pretty gym, but the other patrons seems really neat. It's like a little family of people who talk and chat as they work out. A bunch of regulars. I hope to be a regular too.
I'm doing a Bible study by Beth Moore on the book of Esther. It's pretty good. Back in November I missed a couple of sessions - Anada's surgery and my surgery - and I just viewed the lessons last week. The phrase she used was, "Are you willing to work to see the wonder?" This is now my life statement/question. I want a lot of wonder in my life, but I have often not been willing to put in the work. I want a transformed life, a transformed mind, a transformed body. I want it all yesterday. There are many times when I have been inspired and started a transforming work, but I didn't follow through. After the inspiration was gone and I needed perspiration, I was outta there. For me that is the meaning of work. It is approaching God with my time and energy without knowing the outcome. It is allowing Him to do what He wants with, in and through me. But that can't happen if I don't show up. This has been happening in a couple of ways. I have been doing a study every day for the last week. (I missed one day.) I have committed to doing a study every day. (I'll need to find another one to work on for when I am caught up on my homework!) I have also started a devotional. A time where I can meet God personally and I have chosen to read a Psalm and a Proverb during this time and pray through them. God's word is alive and active. Working out is part of this work too. God has given me the opportunity to transform my body and my health. I need to work on the habits that will get me there and keep me there. When I first started working as a letter carrier, I was 275 lbs. But even then, I discovered that God made our bodies to move. Less than a century ago, most of the work people did included moving. Now, we sit for a living. It's sad.
I love God's providence. If I had watched those videos at the time they were scheduled, I don't think I would have come to the same understanding I have just recently. They would have been interesting and something would have stood out, but I really see how I needed the messages now rather than in November. I have a new perspective on my life. Some Christians have a dividing line in their life: before Christ and after Christ. I don't. I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. But, I now have a different dividing line: before surgery and after surgery. Surgery being the pivot point where God reversed my destiny.
Thanks for hanging in there! It was a long one today. Lots to spout off.
Almost a week ago, was my 2 month surgiversary. As I've said before, it hasn't been easy, but some of the things that were hard are getting easier. Things like it no longer feels like I have splinters of wood poking out of my stomach every time I eat. Also, I am better able to read my body signals for fullness and sickness. When it comes to fullness, I have noticed that even though I think I'm full, I will still take another bite or 2 just to test it out. "Maybe I'm not really full." says the old brain. Learning to stop is a challenge. But also, sometimes I do need to push through the first part of the meal before my pouch accepts the last part. It's almost as if my pouch has a closed sign on it and won't switch it to open until it has been shown that what's going down isn't so bad.
I haven't been sick for quite a while. I threw up the other day after drinking fairly fast in order to get a vitamin unstuck from my throat. It was stuck for a couple of days. The throwing up actually helped, so I didn't mind. But other than that, it's probably been a few weeks. I can't remember exactly. Tonight I felt a bit nauseous after eating a cup of cream of chicken soup. It was quite good, but I think there were too many carbs for me to eat at once.
Speaking of soup... This is currently my favourite meal. It is warm, and soft and it goes down so nicely! I made a cream of broccoli soup from scratch last week and it was amazing. It is thickened with a bit of flour, but there are grated carrots in it, so they help to thicken it too. Also, the carrots look like cheese, so your brain is fooled into thinking you are eating cheese, when you aren't! The recipe is at www.eatingwelllivingthin.wordpress.com I am new to her blog, but I will definitely have to spend more time there as she has some really great meals.
The other reason I'm fond of soup is that it is more like drinking than eating and I don't feel like eating. I've been trying quite a few new recipes lately, and very few of them actually appeal to me. I will have my 1 inch square, but then not want to eat it again. (not good for dealing with leftovers.) I feel my jaw clenching shut as if to say, I will not eat. You can't make me! I've been told that the hunger does come back and to enjoy this time of not wanting to eat, but... It feels so odd to not want to eat. To almost be repulsed by food. I've always been repulsed by me when it comes to food, not the food itself! Repulsed by what I ate, or how much I ate or how fast or where I ate, or where I got the food from (ie. the garbage) or how I felt after I ate. I would never look at the food and think, I can't even imagine putting you in my mouth.
In addition, my calorie consumption is still pretty low. I figure I eat somewhere between 400 to 600 calories a day depending on how many peanuts I have. (1/3 cup of the honey roasted ones I have are 300 calories. So, if I have a full serving or a bit more, then my count will be higher.) 200 calories come from my protein drinks.
So let's talk about someone else's eating problems.
My son is refusing to eat almost anything that is put before him as a meal. He is 4 and whatever the food is, he says he doesn't like it. I have never forced my kids to finish their plate or eat what they truly don't like (but I don't make separate food for them either), but I do make them take one bite of whatever it is they have been served. Alex will fight this, but tonight he did it because I told him he couldn't leave the table until he finished his bites. I am also considering cutting out his mid morning and afternoon snacks so that he will be very hungry at meal time. He lives for his snacks right now. They aren't the worst snacks he could be having, but they are not veggies! His favourite is pudding, closely followed by anything else with sugar. I'll have to buck up and really work on a plan for him. Right now it's just a lot easier to let him have what he wants. I really hope this is a phase!!!
I've also been busy going to the gym! YAY! We (Norm and I) signed up in October and I hadn't been since October. We decided to start going while Alex is in school. It's been good. I have been 4 times. I already feel more fit and stronger. I haven't been that sore, but a little just to remind me of what I'm working on. It's not a pretty gym, but the other patrons seems really neat. It's like a little family of people who talk and chat as they work out. A bunch of regulars. I hope to be a regular too.
I'm doing a Bible study by Beth Moore on the book of Esther. It's pretty good. Back in November I missed a couple of sessions - Anada's surgery and my surgery - and I just viewed the lessons last week. The phrase she used was, "Are you willing to work to see the wonder?" This is now my life statement/question. I want a lot of wonder in my life, but I have often not been willing to put in the work. I want a transformed life, a transformed mind, a transformed body. I want it all yesterday. There are many times when I have been inspired and started a transforming work, but I didn't follow through. After the inspiration was gone and I needed perspiration, I was outta there. For me that is the meaning of work. It is approaching God with my time and energy without knowing the outcome. It is allowing Him to do what He wants with, in and through me. But that can't happen if I don't show up. This has been happening in a couple of ways. I have been doing a study every day for the last week. (I missed one day.) I have committed to doing a study every day. (I'll need to find another one to work on for when I am caught up on my homework!) I have also started a devotional. A time where I can meet God personally and I have chosen to read a Psalm and a Proverb during this time and pray through them. God's word is alive and active. Working out is part of this work too. God has given me the opportunity to transform my body and my health. I need to work on the habits that will get me there and keep me there. When I first started working as a letter carrier, I was 275 lbs. But even then, I discovered that God made our bodies to move. Less than a century ago, most of the work people did included moving. Now, we sit for a living. It's sad.
I love God's providence. If I had watched those videos at the time they were scheduled, I don't think I would have come to the same understanding I have just recently. They would have been interesting and something would have stood out, but I really see how I needed the messages now rather than in November. I have a new perspective on my life. Some Christians have a dividing line in their life: before Christ and after Christ. I don't. I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. But, I now have a different dividing line: before surgery and after surgery. Surgery being the pivot point where God reversed my destiny.
Thanks for hanging in there! It was a long one today. Lots to spout off.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
It's a crazy place in there!
My "loyal follower" left me a comment wondering about what I meant about Christians taking anti-depressants. Here, I'm just trying to clarify in my own mind why I think there could be a problem for Christians taking antidepressants. Here are some of my thoughts.
All I can come up with is that depression seems different to me than a broken leg. I have no problem taking Tylenol for a headache or if I did have a broken bone getting it set and taking pain medicine. When it comes to my mental health, that seems to be much more closely associated with spiritual health than physical health. If I truly depended on God and trusted Him with my entire life, then I would be mentally clear and refreshed and not depressed. And because I never feel like I have the type of relationship with God that I think I should have, I think that being closer will solve all my problems, which is what I have been taught: "Just trust Jesus with whatever you are going through."
Also, because it is inside my head, I'm never quite sure if it is a spiritual attack or a true medical condition. I know both can be true. How do I know in my case?!?!? I have these DVDs by Dr. Grant Mullen on depression. Maybe I need to go back to them and evaluate my own situation. He is a medical doctor, who is a Christian and exclusively deals with depression. He also believes in miraculous healing. It is really interesting because he has been given the gift of discernment to know which cases are spiritual oppression and which are medical. He claims to have heard demons speaking out of people and has also prayed for people to be release from this. Some of you may think he sounds like a nut job, but I have found him to be very balanced in his presentation of depression. He knows and understands the medical side and prescribes medication when appropriate, but he also incorporates his understanding of God into his practice. When my impression is that a lot of professionals (medical and otherwise) leave their faith at the door, he uses it daily to help him help others. Yes, I will have to check out the dvds again.
This has been good for me. I now know what I think. I think that if I am indeed depressed, then I need to go on the medication. I will also seek prayer and maybe even ask for healing. (That is hard for me. I believe that God can and does heal people. I'm afraid to ask, because what if he doesn't heal me? This is another question for another post, though.) This way I am not leaving God out of the equation and allowing him to use whatever means He chooses of getting me through this.
Now, off to Dr. Mullen's site to do his questionnaire!
http://www.drgrantmullen.com/the_pathway_selftests/index.html
All I can come up with is that depression seems different to me than a broken leg. I have no problem taking Tylenol for a headache or if I did have a broken bone getting it set and taking pain medicine. When it comes to my mental health, that seems to be much more closely associated with spiritual health than physical health. If I truly depended on God and trusted Him with my entire life, then I would be mentally clear and refreshed and not depressed. And because I never feel like I have the type of relationship with God that I think I should have, I think that being closer will solve all my problems, which is what I have been taught: "Just trust Jesus with whatever you are going through."
Also, because it is inside my head, I'm never quite sure if it is a spiritual attack or a true medical condition. I know both can be true. How do I know in my case?!?!? I have these DVDs by Dr. Grant Mullen on depression. Maybe I need to go back to them and evaluate my own situation. He is a medical doctor, who is a Christian and exclusively deals with depression. He also believes in miraculous healing. It is really interesting because he has been given the gift of discernment to know which cases are spiritual oppression and which are medical. He claims to have heard demons speaking out of people and has also prayed for people to be release from this. Some of you may think he sounds like a nut job, but I have found him to be very balanced in his presentation of depression. He knows and understands the medical side and prescribes medication when appropriate, but he also incorporates his understanding of God into his practice. When my impression is that a lot of professionals (medical and otherwise) leave their faith at the door, he uses it daily to help him help others. Yes, I will have to check out the dvds again.
This has been good for me. I now know what I think. I think that if I am indeed depressed, then I need to go on the medication. I will also seek prayer and maybe even ask for healing. (That is hard for me. I believe that God can and does heal people. I'm afraid to ask, because what if he doesn't heal me? This is another question for another post, though.) This way I am not leaving God out of the equation and allowing him to use whatever means He chooses of getting me through this.
Now, off to Dr. Mullen's site to do his questionnaire!
http://www.drgrantmullen.com/the_pathway_selftests/index.html
Saturday, September 26, 2009
wohoo!
Did I ever tell you I am glad I have this blog to write it all out at 12:15 in the morning? I went to bed early tonight, read a very long chapter in my book and tried to sleep. 10:30, 10:50, 11:17... My mind wouldn't quit! I finally decided to get up and write it all down so I could tell myself not to worry. I won't forget anything.
The big news is that the clinic in Montreal (pronounced mow-ray-al - well not really "mow", but it's closer to mow than to mon) called today to schedule an appointment. I thought I would have my consultation over the phone and only have to travel for the actual surgery. But no. (Hey! I just got it. It's probably closer to "mo" than "mow". so please pronounce it mo-ray-al.) I need to show my chubby self in person both to the dr. and to the psychologist. And soon! my appointment is on Oct. 5.
This has really got me thinking about all that I need to do to be prepared for the consultation. I need to have answers for why i need this surgery and how I got this big. I need to know how I will handle myself after the surgery and how I won't fail. I also am spending a lot of mental energy on how to speak in French.
At one point in my life, I was very good at french. In university, I felt pretty proficient. I had a large enough vocab and these words came to me quickly enough to speak without feeling like a dork. Now, 15, heck, almost 20 years later, I found myself lying in bed thinking, "how do I pronounce 'ouest'? what will I tell the cab driver? Do I try to speak in French or will they understand my english?" Making phone calls to book hotels and speak with the drs, I had no problem in English. I have heard that it is easier to be served in English in Montreal than French. But I would like to be able to converse like I used to. Today on the phone, I was tempted to respond in French, but by the time a couple of seconds passed, I realized it was a hopeless cause. Now I wonder if maybe I should take some French courses to learn it all over again.
But back to the surgery again. I am worried that they will tell me "no". that i won't be considered a good candidate. I don't know how many people they turn down, but I don't want to be one of them. One clinic in the states talks about all the people they turn down, this website doesn't, so I hope that means they don't.
The other thing I spent time on today was going throught he medical transcription program I am considering. I'm not sure whether I should do this or not. The online program takes at least a year. Am I that disciplined? I think I will enjoy it. I love typing, I love learning about medical stuff and I could work from home. But will I have enough time to work on it? I have 3 kids, i'm planning on having major surgery and changing my life as I have known it for 37 years. Can I add something else that will demand so much? I also just started a Bible study that has homework. (hear screeching in the background.) I want to study God's word more. Right now, it's the easiest to forget or purposefully leave out of my day. That's not how I want to live. I want my faith to be vital in my life. I want Jesus to change my life the way the surgery will. That requires "spiritual disciplines". My old pattern has been to do it for a while and then leave it behind for a longer while. I have thus far evaded the discipline part of disciple.
Speaking of God, today my daughter asked God to live in her. She has been experiencing a lot of fear these days. For a long time she was afraid of the dragon in her dream. It was always trying to eat her hand. The last couple of days, she has been afraid of getting cancer. They had the Terry Fox Run at school yesterday and in the process of talking about Terry and cancer, Anada came up with the thought of how bad it would be for her to get cancer. I have been unable to tell her that she for sure won't get cancer (because she just might) and so I have been telling her how the only way to handle it is to trust Jesus. He's the only one who can control whether she will get cancer or not. We can try to live well by eating our veggies and being active, but we all know lots of healthy people who get cancer. I believe that God controls what happens to us, the good and the bad. Even Job, in the Bible, who lost everything and nearly died, was being tested by Satan with the permission of God. God allowed all of that to happen. God allowed me to have depression for most of my life. God allows everything as he works out what was meant for evil to be used for good. This gives me a lot of peace. Even with this surgery thing coming up, one of the risks is death. I could die. or maybe even worse, I could live but be permanently sick or injured. I take much comfort in the fact that whatever happens is in God's control. Only what he wants for me will happen. I don't plan on getting sick, but if I do, I can trust that he allowed it to happen and his greater glory will result.
So Anada prayed. She did have a joy on her face after. I pray that God will transform her, that even though she is only 5, that she will understand what she can and tu rn to God for the rest of her life.
So, am I ready to sleep? I hope so!
The big news is that the clinic in Montreal (pronounced mow-ray-al - well not really "mow", but it's closer to mow than to mon) called today to schedule an appointment. I thought I would have my consultation over the phone and only have to travel for the actual surgery. But no. (Hey! I just got it. It's probably closer to "mo" than "mow". so please pronounce it mo-ray-al.) I need to show my chubby self in person both to the dr. and to the psychologist. And soon! my appointment is on Oct. 5.
This has really got me thinking about all that I need to do to be prepared for the consultation. I need to have answers for why i need this surgery and how I got this big. I need to know how I will handle myself after the surgery and how I won't fail. I also am spending a lot of mental energy on how to speak in French.
At one point in my life, I was very good at french. In university, I felt pretty proficient. I had a large enough vocab and these words came to me quickly enough to speak without feeling like a dork. Now, 15, heck, almost 20 years later, I found myself lying in bed thinking, "how do I pronounce 'ouest'? what will I tell the cab driver? Do I try to speak in French or will they understand my english?" Making phone calls to book hotels and speak with the drs, I had no problem in English. I have heard that it is easier to be served in English in Montreal than French. But I would like to be able to converse like I used to. Today on the phone, I was tempted to respond in French, but by the time a couple of seconds passed, I realized it was a hopeless cause. Now I wonder if maybe I should take some French courses to learn it all over again.
But back to the surgery again. I am worried that they will tell me "no". that i won't be considered a good candidate. I don't know how many people they turn down, but I don't want to be one of them. One clinic in the states talks about all the people they turn down, this website doesn't, so I hope that means they don't.
The other thing I spent time on today was going throught he medical transcription program I am considering. I'm not sure whether I should do this or not. The online program takes at least a year. Am I that disciplined? I think I will enjoy it. I love typing, I love learning about medical stuff and I could work from home. But will I have enough time to work on it? I have 3 kids, i'm planning on having major surgery and changing my life as I have known it for 37 years. Can I add something else that will demand so much? I also just started a Bible study that has homework. (hear screeching in the background.) I want to study God's word more. Right now, it's the easiest to forget or purposefully leave out of my day. That's not how I want to live. I want my faith to be vital in my life. I want Jesus to change my life the way the surgery will. That requires "spiritual disciplines". My old pattern has been to do it for a while and then leave it behind for a longer while. I have thus far evaded the discipline part of disciple.
Speaking of God, today my daughter asked God to live in her. She has been experiencing a lot of fear these days. For a long time she was afraid of the dragon in her dream. It was always trying to eat her hand. The last couple of days, she has been afraid of getting cancer. They had the Terry Fox Run at school yesterday and in the process of talking about Terry and cancer, Anada came up with the thought of how bad it would be for her to get cancer. I have been unable to tell her that she for sure won't get cancer (because she just might) and so I have been telling her how the only way to handle it is to trust Jesus. He's the only one who can control whether she will get cancer or not. We can try to live well by eating our veggies and being active, but we all know lots of healthy people who get cancer. I believe that God controls what happens to us, the good and the bad. Even Job, in the Bible, who lost everything and nearly died, was being tested by Satan with the permission of God. God allowed all of that to happen. God allowed me to have depression for most of my life. God allows everything as he works out what was meant for evil to be used for good. This gives me a lot of peace. Even with this surgery thing coming up, one of the risks is death. I could die. or maybe even worse, I could live but be permanently sick or injured. I take much comfort in the fact that whatever happens is in God's control. Only what he wants for me will happen. I don't plan on getting sick, but if I do, I can trust that he allowed it to happen and his greater glory will result.
So Anada prayed. She did have a joy on her face after. I pray that God will transform her, that even though she is only 5, that she will understand what she can and tu rn to God for the rest of her life.
So, am I ready to sleep? I hope so!
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