I received this letter yesterday...
"Dear ME,
The weight management program in Calgary has received funding for 25 LapBand surgeries to be completed by March 31, 2011. Therefore, we are inviting referred patients to participate in the program this year."
So, let's talk this out...
First of all, I was referred to this program over TWO years ago. I have not heard anything from them. Not even a confirmation that they received my name. In 2 years this is my first contact.
#2 Did you catch that? There is funding for 25 lapbands this year. That is 25 lapbands in all of Calgary! That means that in a city of over one million people they will only pay for 25 lapbands. As I'm sure I mentioned before, before I checked into my Montreal surgeon, I talked with a surgeon here. He said his waiting list was over 850 people. Originally I thought that he was funded for 25 surgeries, but based on the wording of this letter, it is only 25 for the entire region!!! I know you can't hear the rattling, but all I can do is shake my head. (rattling from the noise my head makes when I move it.) That is appauling.
It gets even better...
"It is important that you are aware that there are fewer LapBand surgeries available than there are patients participating in this program. Therefore, surgery cannot be provided to all patients. Consequently, you may complete all that is required of you but it is not guaranteed that you will be selected for surgery."
The bold is part of the quote. They want you to know that even if you do everything you are supposed to, that you most likely will not get surgery. I mean with 25 surgeries, I'm sure they will have over 100 people participating. In my head I can hear them saying, "she doesn't have the co-morbidities that they others do. She can still get around. Look at her, she can even walk for a living. I think that others who can really benefit from this surgery should have priority over her." Would they say that directly to me? I have no idea. Would they say that amongst themselves when they have to pick from those who jumped through all the hoops? Absolutely. There is a small part of me that hopes they would pick someone like me because of the potential benefits. Prevention of diabetes, high blood pressure, joint issues, apnea, and all of the other co-morbidities associated with obesity would be an amazing thing. Hello!! Let's talk about saving not only lives, but quality of life!!
Oh well. I don't really have to worry about it. It just gets my knickers in a knot. I am thinking of calling them to just ask some questions. Then I think it won't get me very far, especially since the people I would be talking with would have little control over what happens.
Oh. I also want to touch on the lapband part of it. One of the stated requirements is a "definite interest in having LapBand surgery." If it was my *only* option, then of course I would choose it, but given a choice it would be one of my last choices. Let me just preface my comments by saying that this type of surgery is personal. Each person has to know themselves and what would work best for them. The statistics on lapband aren't that great. the weight lost is lower and the after care is much more rigorous. There is a greater risk for infection at the port site. It requires a lot more motivation. In addition, A study I heard said that in rats, the malabsorptive part of the surgery made a bigger difference in weight loss that just the size of the pouch. Rats with just malabsorption lost just as much weight as rats who had both malabsorption and a reduce stomach. Lapband is sold as a less invasive option, but in my "never to be" humble opinion, it isjust as risky.
Ok. I'll come off my soapbox now.
Showing posts with label weight loss surgery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss surgery. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
struggling
I just wrote a long email to a friend who had surgery the day before me. She is struggling. It's hard to hear. I know she doesn't have any support. I'm sure she is bored and she is falling back into old habits.
It is so easy to do. Eating the easy food is easy. It's usually prepackaged. It's usually pretty tasty - think sugar and salt. It's usually justifiable in some way (I exercised today. I'm so hungry I just need to eat something. One won't hurt.) I'm pretty sure we all have done it. I know I have done it - even today.
The thing with surgery is that when we are super morbidly obese, we just want something that will work. We just want the nightmare of our lives to be over. Surgery seems like the one thing that will work. And it does. That is until we overtake the "tool" and make it bend to our will rather than the other way around. When we follow the rules, surgery will work marvelously. But there are ways to eat around the pouch. There are ways to gain weight back after we have lost it. There are ways to be as big as when we started. I know I need to remember this and constantly picture my old life so I don't forget it. So I don't end up back at over 300 lbs struggling with every step and breath.
So, my big scale victory of the week was "Onederland". Yup. I hit 199. It is a milestone that I haven't quite wrapped my head around. I still look at the scale expecting a "2". I am getting smaller and people are noticing even more so now that I am at work. I had someone come up to me today and ask if I am still losing weight. Even though the numbers aren't moving that much, I guess the fat is moving around!
I can't remember if I talked about this before - and I don't want to read my whole blog to find out! - that I feel like I have followed a puzzling command in the Bible. "If your eye causes you to sin, gauge it out. If you hand causes you to sin, cut if off." That is what I feel I have done to my stomach. It was causing me to sin. I have cut it out. I think that is neat. I have a caveat. As I get further out from surgery, my hunger is returning and I am eating more emotionally. There is a chance that soon, it won't be my stomach causing me to sin with overeating, but my mind. I will have to practice self control before that happens.
I was reading a parenting book and it talked about using the word "self-control" to your kids and because it is the Word of God, it does something different in your kids than just using any old word. Also, self control is a fruit of the spirit. If I have the Spirit, which I do, then He has given me self control. I have it. By using it, I can also help it grow in me. Self control will play a big part of my future if I want it to be different than my past where self control was truly lacking.
I must go to bed now. I am typing with one eye closed because I am so tired.
I hope you are well. Blessings to you.
It is so easy to do. Eating the easy food is easy. It's usually prepackaged. It's usually pretty tasty - think sugar and salt. It's usually justifiable in some way (I exercised today. I'm so hungry I just need to eat something. One won't hurt.) I'm pretty sure we all have done it. I know I have done it - even today.
The thing with surgery is that when we are super morbidly obese, we just want something that will work. We just want the nightmare of our lives to be over. Surgery seems like the one thing that will work. And it does. That is until we overtake the "tool" and make it bend to our will rather than the other way around. When we follow the rules, surgery will work marvelously. But there are ways to eat around the pouch. There are ways to gain weight back after we have lost it. There are ways to be as big as when we started. I know I need to remember this and constantly picture my old life so I don't forget it. So I don't end up back at over 300 lbs struggling with every step and breath.
So, my big scale victory of the week was "Onederland". Yup. I hit 199. It is a milestone that I haven't quite wrapped my head around. I still look at the scale expecting a "2". I am getting smaller and people are noticing even more so now that I am at work. I had someone come up to me today and ask if I am still losing weight. Even though the numbers aren't moving that much, I guess the fat is moving around!
I can't remember if I talked about this before - and I don't want to read my whole blog to find out! - that I feel like I have followed a puzzling command in the Bible. "If your eye causes you to sin, gauge it out. If you hand causes you to sin, cut if off." That is what I feel I have done to my stomach. It was causing me to sin. I have cut it out. I think that is neat. I have a caveat. As I get further out from surgery, my hunger is returning and I am eating more emotionally. There is a chance that soon, it won't be my stomach causing me to sin with overeating, but my mind. I will have to practice self control before that happens.
I was reading a parenting book and it talked about using the word "self-control" to your kids and because it is the Word of God, it does something different in your kids than just using any old word. Also, self control is a fruit of the spirit. If I have the Spirit, which I do, then He has given me self control. I have it. By using it, I can also help it grow in me. Self control will play a big part of my future if I want it to be different than my past where self control was truly lacking.
I must go to bed now. I am typing with one eye closed because I am so tired.
I hope you are well. Blessings to you.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
6 month update
Hi. Long time no update. Well I'll try to catch you up.
I'm 6 months 10 days out from surgery. I weighed 201.6 lbs this morning. I can't believe I will be under 200 very soon. Probably for the first time since I was 13 years old. In terms of weight, when I was 12, I weighed 150. By the time I turned 13, I was 180. Between then and grade 12, I don't really know the progression. I just know that I ended high school at around 220. I wore a size 18 dress to my graduation. You know how it is when we look back. Now I think that a size 18 wasn't that bad. At the time I thought I was so big and I hated having to buy my grad dress in a fat lady store. 20 years ago, there weren't that many fat kids, so the fat stores didn't have a lot of hip clothes!
Currently, I'm wearing a plus sized 16 pants. I have discovered that plus sized clothes are bigger than regular sized. I bought some Tabi shorts at Value Village in size 16, but I need to lose about 3 more inches on my waist before I can do them up. For my top, I think I am firmly in a regular sized XL. That's the size on the shirt at my 6 month photo.
Food wise, I am definitely craving more sugar foods. Part of that could be that I am eating more sugar foods and awakening the "carb monster." I am able to eat more and especially with my activity level now, I need to eat more. My trouble is that I haven't been planning and preparing for this new hunger and need for good tasting food. Up until now, I have been able to manage quite well with little bits here and there making food mainly for the kids. My son is at a particularly picky point in his eating habits. He will eat most foods if we make him - "you can't leave the table until you finish that much." You can't have dessert until you eat your vegetables." Then he will force it down. He has come to rely on snacks to fill him up. That is not good.
Anyway, so I have tried to make food for me - soupy, saucy, stewy - kinds of one pot meals, but have gotten a lot of negative feed back. And also, getting back into the swings with work, I haven't had the time or energy to cook. Maybe now is the time to start again so I can get some nutritious, good tasting food that will be easy on my pouch.
Norm is in the full swing of his new job now. He is gone 5 or 6 afternoon/evenings a week, plus all day on Monday and Thursday plus he is going on weekend road trips - this weekend he is in Lethbridge. Two weekends ago, he was in Medicine Hat. Learning to hold down the fort all alone has been tricky. It is getting better, but it's still not fun. The real downside is that I feel I have lost the connection with Norm. He is so involved in what he is doing that I feel like he doesn't care about my world. He doesn't ask me what's going on. (And if he asks, he accepts "fine" or "okay" instead of teasing what's really going on.) I know that he does care. I know that he loves me to no end. For me, the connection comes with time together. How do you keep the connection when you never see the other person? If he is making money that would at least give us a benefit of him being away, but so far, he hasn't been making very much. Then, there is the other end, where all the money in the world can't fix a broken marriage. We are definitely no where near broken, but I must admit that I am pretty needy and the way it is now definitely isn't the way it can be for very long.
Today, my daughter asked me to read from the Bible. She wanted the last story in Revelation. It was really neat to read. A couple of verses stuck out to me: 22:17, "The Spirit and the Bride say, 'Come.' And let the one who hears say, ' Come.' And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price." The Holy Spirit and Jesus are calling out to everyone to come. The followers of God are also calling out for everyone to come. The gift is the water of life. It is priceless. Not even Mastercard can cover this one. But it is free. It is a gift. It is for all who desire. It is for all who are thirsty. And I need to be calling out to everyone, "Come!"
I also like verse 20 where Jesus says, " 'Surely I am coming soon.' Amen. Come Lord Jesus!" In my daily living, I forget this. Unfortunately, it doesn't break through into my consciousness as I go about my business. But it is so exciting to think that Jesus is coming soon! I may see it or I may not live to see Jesus return to the earth in power, but He is still coming soon!
The last couple of days I have been thinking about heaven and hell. At the news of Gary Coleman dying, my first thought was, "that is good." I meant that he was living a tortured life. His life was full of problems and they were displayed for the whole world to see. He was mocked and shamed and put on display for our entertainment. I thought his death would at least put an end to the pain. But then I wondered if that put him in hell, is that really any better than a tortured life? My assumption is that he didn't know Jesus the Saviour. So, under that assumption, he would go to hell to begin his eternal torment. My guess is that wouldn't be very peaceful either. So I am at a loss. Should I be grateful that his pain on earth is over or lament because he didn't live long enough to put his faith in Jesus? This one will need more prayer and study.
I'm 6 months 10 days out from surgery. I weighed 201.6 lbs this morning. I can't believe I will be under 200 very soon. Probably for the first time since I was 13 years old. In terms of weight, when I was 12, I weighed 150. By the time I turned 13, I was 180. Between then and grade 12, I don't really know the progression. I just know that I ended high school at around 220. I wore a size 18 dress to my graduation. You know how it is when we look back. Now I think that a size 18 wasn't that bad. At the time I thought I was so big and I hated having to buy my grad dress in a fat lady store. 20 years ago, there weren't that many fat kids, so the fat stores didn't have a lot of hip clothes!
Currently, I'm wearing a plus sized 16 pants. I have discovered that plus sized clothes are bigger than regular sized. I bought some Tabi shorts at Value Village in size 16, but I need to lose about 3 more inches on my waist before I can do them up. For my top, I think I am firmly in a regular sized XL. That's the size on the shirt at my 6 month photo.
Food wise, I am definitely craving more sugar foods. Part of that could be that I am eating more sugar foods and awakening the "carb monster." I am able to eat more and especially with my activity level now, I need to eat more. My trouble is that I haven't been planning and preparing for this new hunger and need for good tasting food. Up until now, I have been able to manage quite well with little bits here and there making food mainly for the kids. My son is at a particularly picky point in his eating habits. He will eat most foods if we make him - "you can't leave the table until you finish that much." You can't have dessert until you eat your vegetables." Then he will force it down. He has come to rely on snacks to fill him up. That is not good.
Anyway, so I have tried to make food for me - soupy, saucy, stewy - kinds of one pot meals, but have gotten a lot of negative feed back. And also, getting back into the swings with work, I haven't had the time or energy to cook. Maybe now is the time to start again so I can get some nutritious, good tasting food that will be easy on my pouch.
Norm is in the full swing of his new job now. He is gone 5 or 6 afternoon/evenings a week, plus all day on Monday and Thursday plus he is going on weekend road trips - this weekend he is in Lethbridge. Two weekends ago, he was in Medicine Hat. Learning to hold down the fort all alone has been tricky. It is getting better, but it's still not fun. The real downside is that I feel I have lost the connection with Norm. He is so involved in what he is doing that I feel like he doesn't care about my world. He doesn't ask me what's going on. (And if he asks, he accepts "fine" or "okay" instead of teasing what's really going on.) I know that he does care. I know that he loves me to no end. For me, the connection comes with time together. How do you keep the connection when you never see the other person? If he is making money that would at least give us a benefit of him being away, but so far, he hasn't been making very much. Then, there is the other end, where all the money in the world can't fix a broken marriage. We are definitely no where near broken, but I must admit that I am pretty needy and the way it is now definitely isn't the way it can be for very long.
Today, my daughter asked me to read from the Bible. She wanted the last story in Revelation. It was really neat to read. A couple of verses stuck out to me: 22:17, "The Spirit and the Bride say, 'Come.' And let the one who hears say, ' Come.' And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price." The Holy Spirit and Jesus are calling out to everyone to come. The followers of God are also calling out for everyone to come. The gift is the water of life. It is priceless. Not even Mastercard can cover this one. But it is free. It is a gift. It is for all who desire. It is for all who are thirsty. And I need to be calling out to everyone, "Come!"
I also like verse 20 where Jesus says, " 'Surely I am coming soon.' Amen. Come Lord Jesus!" In my daily living, I forget this. Unfortunately, it doesn't break through into my consciousness as I go about my business. But it is so exciting to think that Jesus is coming soon! I may see it or I may not live to see Jesus return to the earth in power, but He is still coming soon!
The last couple of days I have been thinking about heaven and hell. At the news of Gary Coleman dying, my first thought was, "that is good." I meant that he was living a tortured life. His life was full of problems and they were displayed for the whole world to see. He was mocked and shamed and put on display for our entertainment. I thought his death would at least put an end to the pain. But then I wondered if that put him in hell, is that really any better than a tortured life? My assumption is that he didn't know Jesus the Saviour. So, under that assumption, he would go to hell to begin his eternal torment. My guess is that wouldn't be very peaceful either. So I am at a loss. Should I be grateful that his pain on earth is over or lament because he didn't live long enough to put his faith in Jesus? This one will need more prayer and study.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
My bags are packed
Okay, my bags are not packed, but I'm only taking a backpack to Montreal so it shouldn't take long.
I am getting soooo excited about the thought that the possibility of dealing with my overeating and weight problems in a permanent way! I am really looking forward to the freedom that a small stomach affords. I am looking forward to immediate feedback from my body if I eat something inappropriate. I am thinking ahead to getting new clothes - even from my own wardrobe - and wondering what kind of clothes I will pick. I am looking forward to being able to choose from more than 3 stores. I am even hoping my feet will shrink and I won't have to buy old lady shoes because my feet are so fat.
I have been smaller, but not that much smaller. I was at 228 lbs for about 8 months, down from 275, until I got pregnant with my oldest. I was about a size 18 then. I felt amazing. People didn't recognize me. I wasn't ashamed to meet people. Yet, my BMI was 39.1 at that weight. Just 0.9 away from qualifying for surgery. Amazing. Perspective is everything. When I hit 228 on the way up, in high school, I sure didn't feel amazing! At every weight, I lamented how I looked and felt. Yet, to be that weight now would be great. If, 2 years ago, I hated being 260, I would love to be 260 now. Even though I would qualify, I might not even consider surgery at that weight.
I read on the WW site, that one pound is so lonely and rejected because no one ever wants to lose one pound. That's true for me.
I love the White Coat Black Art podcast on CBC. Here's the link http://www.cbc.ca/whitecoat/
Last week he did a show on bariatric surgery. One person he interviewed said putting a morbidly obese person on a diet is like telling an heroin addict that they can shoot up, but only at these times and only a certain amount. That heroin addict would die. Yet we tell "fat" people to not only shop, plan, and prepare all their own meals without going over their allotted portion for that time. We are surrounded with porn: sex and food. You can't drive down any roads without passing fat, salt and sugar in the shape of a meal.
While I subcribe to the notion that many obese people are addicts to food, it's a catch 22. Going the "anonymous" route seems much like a diet with some spirituality thrown in. I'm not sure that taking the 12 steps of AA and replacing food can work for a lot of people. I attended Overeaters Anonymous for about 3 years. I found people who I could relate with and had very similar stories as I did, but I found very little recovery. In my group, it was hard to find a sponsor because there were so few of them. (That, and I hate asking for help.) The idea of maintaining any kind of "abstinence" is really difficult when surrounded by food porn.
It is possible that I am not a fan because it didn't work for me. yeah, maybe. But I also know, that it doesn't work for a lot of people. One stat I heard a few years ago stated that fewer than 10% of people get sober through 12 steps.
That just brings to mind that maybe the 12 steps are great for keeping one sober, once that has been attained. Maybe I should consider going back to OA to work on my stuff after my surgery, when it is impossible to eat. Hmmm.
Let's go back to Montreal... So I leave home at around noon and get into mo-ray-al around 8. I get to my beautiful sounding B&B, sleep - or toss and turn, don't eat the amazing breakfast they have prepared, walk to the hospital, have blood work, get to the assessment clinic, assess for 6 hours and head back to the airport to go home. BUSY! Hence the backpack. I don't want to be lugging a suitcase all over the island!
I've been trying to research ways of getting around for cheap. A taxi from the airport is almost $40 to downtown. The shuttle is only 16, but it doesn't go directly to my b&B. I don't really want to wander around downtown Montreal at 9pm. And then going back to the airport, there are a few options with a bus or train. I'm not sure about the airport shuttle. I have no idea where it goes. Maybe cabs are my easiest bet. Maybe on my next trip for my surgery I will be more adventurous. At least before they cut me open!
My husband has really been getting on my nerves lately. He forgot to pay our insurance bill, he didn't buckle the baby up and she fell out of her rocking chair, he doesn't clean up after himself around the house and he hasn't made a sale! Writing this makes me feel like a shmuk because he loves me more than I know. Oh yeah, that's another thing... He doesn't stop telling me he loves me! I can't even believe that I'm complaining about that, but right now, it's like I'm a very dark, deep abyss. His comments and compliments just get sucked in and vanish. I don't store them and remind myself later. They don't make me feel good about myself. I just think, "Yeah, right." How aweful is that? I definitely don't deserve him.
Well, I guess that's enough for today. Good Night.
I am getting soooo excited about the thought that the possibility of dealing with my overeating and weight problems in a permanent way! I am really looking forward to the freedom that a small stomach affords. I am looking forward to immediate feedback from my body if I eat something inappropriate. I am thinking ahead to getting new clothes - even from my own wardrobe - and wondering what kind of clothes I will pick. I am looking forward to being able to choose from more than 3 stores. I am even hoping my feet will shrink and I won't have to buy old lady shoes because my feet are so fat.
I have been smaller, but not that much smaller. I was at 228 lbs for about 8 months, down from 275, until I got pregnant with my oldest. I was about a size 18 then. I felt amazing. People didn't recognize me. I wasn't ashamed to meet people. Yet, my BMI was 39.1 at that weight. Just 0.9 away from qualifying for surgery. Amazing. Perspective is everything. When I hit 228 on the way up, in high school, I sure didn't feel amazing! At every weight, I lamented how I looked and felt. Yet, to be that weight now would be great. If, 2 years ago, I hated being 260, I would love to be 260 now. Even though I would qualify, I might not even consider surgery at that weight.
I read on the WW site, that one pound is so lonely and rejected because no one ever wants to lose one pound. That's true for me.
I love the White Coat Black Art podcast on CBC. Here's the link http://www.cbc.ca/whitecoat/
Last week he did a show on bariatric surgery. One person he interviewed said putting a morbidly obese person on a diet is like telling an heroin addict that they can shoot up, but only at these times and only a certain amount. That heroin addict would die. Yet we tell "fat" people to not only shop, plan, and prepare all their own meals without going over their allotted portion for that time. We are surrounded with porn: sex and food. You can't drive down any roads without passing fat, salt and sugar in the shape of a meal.
While I subcribe to the notion that many obese people are addicts to food, it's a catch 22. Going the "anonymous" route seems much like a diet with some spirituality thrown in. I'm not sure that taking the 12 steps of AA and replacing food can work for a lot of people. I attended Overeaters Anonymous for about 3 years. I found people who I could relate with and had very similar stories as I did, but I found very little recovery. In my group, it was hard to find a sponsor because there were so few of them. (That, and I hate asking for help.) The idea of maintaining any kind of "abstinence" is really difficult when surrounded by food porn.
It is possible that I am not a fan because it didn't work for me. yeah, maybe. But I also know, that it doesn't work for a lot of people. One stat I heard a few years ago stated that fewer than 10% of people get sober through 12 steps.
That just brings to mind that maybe the 12 steps are great for keeping one sober, once that has been attained. Maybe I should consider going back to OA to work on my stuff after my surgery, when it is impossible to eat. Hmmm.
Let's go back to Montreal... So I leave home at around noon and get into mo-ray-al around 8. I get to my beautiful sounding B&B, sleep - or toss and turn, don't eat the amazing breakfast they have prepared, walk to the hospital, have blood work, get to the assessment clinic, assess for 6 hours and head back to the airport to go home. BUSY! Hence the backpack. I don't want to be lugging a suitcase all over the island!
I've been trying to research ways of getting around for cheap. A taxi from the airport is almost $40 to downtown. The shuttle is only 16, but it doesn't go directly to my b&B. I don't really want to wander around downtown Montreal at 9pm. And then going back to the airport, there are a few options with a bus or train. I'm not sure about the airport shuttle. I have no idea where it goes. Maybe cabs are my easiest bet. Maybe on my next trip for my surgery I will be more adventurous. At least before they cut me open!
My husband has really been getting on my nerves lately. He forgot to pay our insurance bill, he didn't buckle the baby up and she fell out of her rocking chair, he doesn't clean up after himself around the house and he hasn't made a sale! Writing this makes me feel like a shmuk because he loves me more than I know. Oh yeah, that's another thing... He doesn't stop telling me he loves me! I can't even believe that I'm complaining about that, but right now, it's like I'm a very dark, deep abyss. His comments and compliments just get sucked in and vanish. I don't store them and remind myself later. They don't make me feel good about myself. I just think, "Yeah, right." How aweful is that? I definitely don't deserve him.
Well, I guess that's enough for today. Good Night.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
wohoo!
Did I ever tell you I am glad I have this blog to write it all out at 12:15 in the morning? I went to bed early tonight, read a very long chapter in my book and tried to sleep. 10:30, 10:50, 11:17... My mind wouldn't quit! I finally decided to get up and write it all down so I could tell myself not to worry. I won't forget anything.
The big news is that the clinic in Montreal (pronounced mow-ray-al - well not really "mow", but it's closer to mow than to mon) called today to schedule an appointment. I thought I would have my consultation over the phone and only have to travel for the actual surgery. But no. (Hey! I just got it. It's probably closer to "mo" than "mow". so please pronounce it mo-ray-al.) I need to show my chubby self in person both to the dr. and to the psychologist. And soon! my appointment is on Oct. 5.
This has really got me thinking about all that I need to do to be prepared for the consultation. I need to have answers for why i need this surgery and how I got this big. I need to know how I will handle myself after the surgery and how I won't fail. I also am spending a lot of mental energy on how to speak in French.
At one point in my life, I was very good at french. In university, I felt pretty proficient. I had a large enough vocab and these words came to me quickly enough to speak without feeling like a dork. Now, 15, heck, almost 20 years later, I found myself lying in bed thinking, "how do I pronounce 'ouest'? what will I tell the cab driver? Do I try to speak in French or will they understand my english?" Making phone calls to book hotels and speak with the drs, I had no problem in English. I have heard that it is easier to be served in English in Montreal than French. But I would like to be able to converse like I used to. Today on the phone, I was tempted to respond in French, but by the time a couple of seconds passed, I realized it was a hopeless cause. Now I wonder if maybe I should take some French courses to learn it all over again.
But back to the surgery again. I am worried that they will tell me "no". that i won't be considered a good candidate. I don't know how many people they turn down, but I don't want to be one of them. One clinic in the states talks about all the people they turn down, this website doesn't, so I hope that means they don't.
The other thing I spent time on today was going throught he medical transcription program I am considering. I'm not sure whether I should do this or not. The online program takes at least a year. Am I that disciplined? I think I will enjoy it. I love typing, I love learning about medical stuff and I could work from home. But will I have enough time to work on it? I have 3 kids, i'm planning on having major surgery and changing my life as I have known it for 37 years. Can I add something else that will demand so much? I also just started a Bible study that has homework. (hear screeching in the background.) I want to study God's word more. Right now, it's the easiest to forget or purposefully leave out of my day. That's not how I want to live. I want my faith to be vital in my life. I want Jesus to change my life the way the surgery will. That requires "spiritual disciplines". My old pattern has been to do it for a while and then leave it behind for a longer while. I have thus far evaded the discipline part of disciple.
Speaking of God, today my daughter asked God to live in her. She has been experiencing a lot of fear these days. For a long time she was afraid of the dragon in her dream. It was always trying to eat her hand. The last couple of days, she has been afraid of getting cancer. They had the Terry Fox Run at school yesterday and in the process of talking about Terry and cancer, Anada came up with the thought of how bad it would be for her to get cancer. I have been unable to tell her that she for sure won't get cancer (because she just might) and so I have been telling her how the only way to handle it is to trust Jesus. He's the only one who can control whether she will get cancer or not. We can try to live well by eating our veggies and being active, but we all know lots of healthy people who get cancer. I believe that God controls what happens to us, the good and the bad. Even Job, in the Bible, who lost everything and nearly died, was being tested by Satan with the permission of God. God allowed all of that to happen. God allowed me to have depression for most of my life. God allows everything as he works out what was meant for evil to be used for good. This gives me a lot of peace. Even with this surgery thing coming up, one of the risks is death. I could die. or maybe even worse, I could live but be permanently sick or injured. I take much comfort in the fact that whatever happens is in God's control. Only what he wants for me will happen. I don't plan on getting sick, but if I do, I can trust that he allowed it to happen and his greater glory will result.
So Anada prayed. She did have a joy on her face after. I pray that God will transform her, that even though she is only 5, that she will understand what she can and tu rn to God for the rest of her life.
So, am I ready to sleep? I hope so!
The big news is that the clinic in Montreal (pronounced mow-ray-al - well not really "mow", but it's closer to mow than to mon) called today to schedule an appointment. I thought I would have my consultation over the phone and only have to travel for the actual surgery. But no. (Hey! I just got it. It's probably closer to "mo" than "mow". so please pronounce it mo-ray-al.) I need to show my chubby self in person both to the dr. and to the psychologist. And soon! my appointment is on Oct. 5.
This has really got me thinking about all that I need to do to be prepared for the consultation. I need to have answers for why i need this surgery and how I got this big. I need to know how I will handle myself after the surgery and how I won't fail. I also am spending a lot of mental energy on how to speak in French.
At one point in my life, I was very good at french. In university, I felt pretty proficient. I had a large enough vocab and these words came to me quickly enough to speak without feeling like a dork. Now, 15, heck, almost 20 years later, I found myself lying in bed thinking, "how do I pronounce 'ouest'? what will I tell the cab driver? Do I try to speak in French or will they understand my english?" Making phone calls to book hotels and speak with the drs, I had no problem in English. I have heard that it is easier to be served in English in Montreal than French. But I would like to be able to converse like I used to. Today on the phone, I was tempted to respond in French, but by the time a couple of seconds passed, I realized it was a hopeless cause. Now I wonder if maybe I should take some French courses to learn it all over again.
But back to the surgery again. I am worried that they will tell me "no". that i won't be considered a good candidate. I don't know how many people they turn down, but I don't want to be one of them. One clinic in the states talks about all the people they turn down, this website doesn't, so I hope that means they don't.
The other thing I spent time on today was going throught he medical transcription program I am considering. I'm not sure whether I should do this or not. The online program takes at least a year. Am I that disciplined? I think I will enjoy it. I love typing, I love learning about medical stuff and I could work from home. But will I have enough time to work on it? I have 3 kids, i'm planning on having major surgery and changing my life as I have known it for 37 years. Can I add something else that will demand so much? I also just started a Bible study that has homework. (hear screeching in the background.) I want to study God's word more. Right now, it's the easiest to forget or purposefully leave out of my day. That's not how I want to live. I want my faith to be vital in my life. I want Jesus to change my life the way the surgery will. That requires "spiritual disciplines". My old pattern has been to do it for a while and then leave it behind for a longer while. I have thus far evaded the discipline part of disciple.
Speaking of God, today my daughter asked God to live in her. She has been experiencing a lot of fear these days. For a long time she was afraid of the dragon in her dream. It was always trying to eat her hand. The last couple of days, she has been afraid of getting cancer. They had the Terry Fox Run at school yesterday and in the process of talking about Terry and cancer, Anada came up with the thought of how bad it would be for her to get cancer. I have been unable to tell her that she for sure won't get cancer (because she just might) and so I have been telling her how the only way to handle it is to trust Jesus. He's the only one who can control whether she will get cancer or not. We can try to live well by eating our veggies and being active, but we all know lots of healthy people who get cancer. I believe that God controls what happens to us, the good and the bad. Even Job, in the Bible, who lost everything and nearly died, was being tested by Satan with the permission of God. God allowed all of that to happen. God allowed me to have depression for most of my life. God allows everything as he works out what was meant for evil to be used for good. This gives me a lot of peace. Even with this surgery thing coming up, one of the risks is death. I could die. or maybe even worse, I could live but be permanently sick or injured. I take much comfort in the fact that whatever happens is in God's control. Only what he wants for me will happen. I don't plan on getting sick, but if I do, I can trust that he allowed it to happen and his greater glory will result.
So Anada prayed. She did have a joy on her face after. I pray that God will transform her, that even though she is only 5, that she will understand what she can and tu rn to God for the rest of her life.
So, am I ready to sleep? I hope so!
Friday, September 18, 2009
pins and needles
I just can't wait for the phone call from the clinic in Montreal saying, "it's time for your consultation and when would you like to schedule your life-saving, life-altering, minimally invasive gastric bypass surgery with the only surgeon in Canada doing these surgeries full time?"
I would answer, "Tomorrow, please."
I have been eating a lot more lately. It doesn't seem to matter that I am not hungry. All that does matter is that there is a constant stream of sugary, fat laden food ready to stretch my already swollen belly. Ok, and I'm not trying to cop out on this, but I think that part of the equation is working on WW for a couple of months. I didn't deprive myself, by any means, but the idea of staying within a limit has set off the rebellious part of my nature where I show the world that nothing can hold me in.
I have been eating a lot faster than normal. As I am eating, it is like I am watching someone else put all of this food into my mouth. There is a small, quiet voice objecting to my behaviour. But this voice barely squeaks out, "you're not really hungry, you know" and "um, if you don't want to, you don't really, um, have to, um, eat that." The voice must know that I am likely to shout it out of existence if it dares to be audible. I picture a cartoon character's hair being blown back by the force out of my mouth. The venom that spews when anyone dares question me.
Even today, I have eaten very regularly for most of the day. I had a dessert when I got home from dinner and now I am plotting my snack for tv. My dessert was literally full of air and my tummy is very full. That's no concern. Chips are flat! they hardly take up any room at all.
Did I mention that I applied for surgery? I really am waiting on pins and needles for the process to proceed. I know they have my application. Now I am waiting for a consult with the dr. and hopefully an appointment shortly thereafter. I am seeing it as unlocking my prison door. That finally, after 34 years, I can live my life without food being the center. The surgery not only makes my stomach the size of my thumb, but it also cuts the nerves from my stomach to my brain. It will actually change the way I think about food. I have heard 0f people who actually have to force themselves to eat because they forget. I currently eat just in case I might get hungry.
A lot of people thing surgery is extreme. You know what? It is! I am planning to have my body permanently altered through surgery where the risk includes death.
Do you know what else is extreme? That I need to lose more than the majority of women weigh. To be at the bottom end of my healthy BMI, I need to lose 180 lbs. A woman who weighs 180lbs today, would consider herself fat. I need to lose all of her. That is extreme.
Evolutionarily, I would have won. I could outlive most people during a famine. It's the time of plenty that we live in that is the tough part.
I would answer, "Tomorrow, please."
I have been eating a lot more lately. It doesn't seem to matter that I am not hungry. All that does matter is that there is a constant stream of sugary, fat laden food ready to stretch my already swollen belly. Ok, and I'm not trying to cop out on this, but I think that part of the equation is working on WW for a couple of months. I didn't deprive myself, by any means, but the idea of staying within a limit has set off the rebellious part of my nature where I show the world that nothing can hold me in.
I have been eating a lot faster than normal. As I am eating, it is like I am watching someone else put all of this food into my mouth. There is a small, quiet voice objecting to my behaviour. But this voice barely squeaks out, "you're not really hungry, you know" and "um, if you don't want to, you don't really, um, have to, um, eat that." The voice must know that I am likely to shout it out of existence if it dares to be audible. I picture a cartoon character's hair being blown back by the force out of my mouth. The venom that spews when anyone dares question me.
Even today, I have eaten very regularly for most of the day. I had a dessert when I got home from dinner and now I am plotting my snack for tv. My dessert was literally full of air and my tummy is very full. That's no concern. Chips are flat! they hardly take up any room at all.
Did I mention that I applied for surgery? I really am waiting on pins and needles for the process to proceed. I know they have my application. Now I am waiting for a consult with the dr. and hopefully an appointment shortly thereafter. I am seeing it as unlocking my prison door. That finally, after 34 years, I can live my life without food being the center. The surgery not only makes my stomach the size of my thumb, but it also cuts the nerves from my stomach to my brain. It will actually change the way I think about food. I have heard 0f people who actually have to force themselves to eat because they forget. I currently eat just in case I might get hungry.
A lot of people thing surgery is extreme. You know what? It is! I am planning to have my body permanently altered through surgery where the risk includes death.
Do you know what else is extreme? That I need to lose more than the majority of women weigh. To be at the bottom end of my healthy BMI, I need to lose 180 lbs. A woman who weighs 180lbs today, would consider herself fat. I need to lose all of her. That is extreme.
Evolutionarily, I would have won. I could outlive most people during a famine. It's the time of plenty that we live in that is the tough part.
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