Summer's end

Wow! It feels like it's been forever since I've been here. The end of summer has arrived with my daughter entering kindergarten, my son still needing to learn toileting skills in order to go to preschool next week and my baby being her usual delightful self.

Karissa really makes me smile. She always greets me with a smile and a coo. If i start to giggle with her, she will often giggle back. She hardly cries and just basically handles what life (mommy) throws at her.

My other kids are making me cringe these days. Their attitude leaves a lot to be desired. It's argument after argument; whining and crying when they don't get their way. They are always disagreeing with someone whether it be me or each other. It's a good thing I have a lot of hair! I find that I am getting more on edge again. I was really bad for a while. The littlest thing could set me off. Then, after counselling, I was better able to calm myself down. "Soothe myself." And now, I am finding myself slipping back.

We have been really busy with school, and work, and de-cluttering and trying to find a cat hiding out in our house. With all the chaos, it's hard to find peace. I think it's the same for my kids. While being so busy is stressful, it's also something I've wanted. I often feel that I am not living up to what I want my life to be. I am starting to require more of myself. Part of that is getting more done. Leaving procrastination for another day and just doing what needs to be done.

One thing i have done this last week, is mail an application for gastric bypass. I am really excited and nervous at the same time. I am excited that I will finally have a way to lose weight permanently without having to fight each and every second. In the surgery, they cut the nerves around your stomach. Often that means that the signals that would tell you to eat are no long there. I have heard of people having to force themselves to eat because they just don't feel like it. I am excited that I will get to wear smaller clothes instead of worrying that even the plus size clothes stores won't have my size. I'm excited that I will be able to fit into the world - on the rides at the amusment park, in my husband's 20 year old truck, in a helicopter (that I had to get out of because the seat belt was too small for my ample girth.)

This is where the nervous part comes in: they can turn me down. They can look at my chart and say no. I don't know what the exact circumstnace is where they would turn me down, but I have heard of people "failing" the psychological assessment and being turned down. The acutal surgery doesn't bother me too much. AFter 3 c-sections, I think this one will be a breeze.

So, I mailed the application on Friday, tomorrow is Labour Day, so they should get it Tuesday or Wednesday. Then they will have to get all the reports (the hospital said they can only get them to me in 3 months) and assess my case and book me for a consultation. If all goes well, then I pay my money and book my surgery time. The sooner the better, but the receptionist said they are booking into late October.

I really can't weight. (get it?!?!?) My eating is getting crazier and crazier. I'm going to start calling myself hoover. Most nights, I'll sit down with 1 litre of ice cream. Or tonight, I remembered I had bought some chocolate for a party I am going to have, so I had some of that. I'm really out of control. I heard myself tell myself, "From now on, if I want something, i'll have it. I won't say no. I only have a few weeks left until I won't be able to hardly eat anything." At the time, I thought the thought was fine, but as I type it, I can finally see it as a bit warped. (but only a bit.)

Well, I should go to bed. Even if it's for good purposes, This darned computer always makes me go to bed late!!!

kb