me, myself and I

I am so selfish. It invades every part of my life. I am selfish when I let my kids do what they want so I won't have to entertain them. I am selfish when I don't cook dinner because then I leave few options but to go out to eat. I am selfish when I am distant with my husband because I am not giving him what he needs (and deserves). I am selfish when I get angry because I am angry with whatever is going on interfering with my plans. I am selfish when I overeat and binge because it doesn't help anybody.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about this. I was thinking that I need to make a list of my selfish habits and then a list of the ways that I am allowed to be selfish like taking some time to be alone, like going for a walk, like reading a book, like creating a hobby for myself. Often I will forgo the positive selfishness because I have been so negatively selfish. The other day, I was so tired and needed a break, but because I had already been selfish that afternoon, I thought I should at least get some stuff done even though I made the rest of my family miserable. It would have been much better to take care of myself emotionally and take some time away rather than grudgingly staying busy.

This is not a skill I am good at. In fact, my selfishness is just becoming to bubble to the surface of my consciousness.

I'm not sure how to stay unselfish during the times when I would normally check out. Will it work to use "justified selfishness" as a reward? I obviously don't know. Ihaven't done it before, but I will try. I will try to be more present with my family and just take the time when I need to really get away without guilt. Hopefully everyone will be better off.