This is something I don't share with anyone. My SIL knows but mainly from observation rather than direct conversation. My husband knows - but he's lived with me for almost 9 years. I have no idea if my parents ever knew. Or if anyone else could tell from what I was wearing.
For those of you who have been morbidly obese, this will probably not shock you. For the rest... cover your eyes.
So, I have basically worn a pad everyday of my life since I was in university. My bladder leaked all day every day. I remember wondering why I was wet in high school, how I could get everything out, but there would always be that little bit left. My pants would be damp and of course there would be an odour. I don't think I did anything about it then. I was too embarrassed to even buy pads at the time.
I was so embarrassed, I never mentioned it to my doctors. I was so embarrassed, that I have never really confessed it to anyone.
Thinking back, I started wearing pads because while the constant leaking was not nice, it was the stress incontinence from laughing or movement that was really embarrassing. I like to play games and when I would play I would usually laugh. Then I would be wet. I would think about how my pants would be able to hide the evidence. Usually I would try to be last to leave the area so no one would be able to see my behind. (even writing this now, 15-20 years later, is difficult.)
With a pad, I was usually safe even if I was laughing. Safe that is, except if it (I still can't bring myself to use the "u" word) squished up my bum. But it usually wasn't too bad. So for literally decades, I have worn a pad every day. Some days would be better than others, but when I would try to go without, I would discover that nothing had changed.
I'm not sure what weight I was - maybe somewhere around the 205 mark - I went without a pad. I remember reading about some women being cured of their stress incontinence and wondered if I had been cured of mine.
I chose a day that I didn't have to work. Because there is so much jarring, I didn't have that much faith I would be cured. That day I stayed dry. It was amazing to me. Finally I wouldn't have to have all those chemicals by my private parts all the time. So, since then, I haven't worn a pad on non-work days.
But here is the juicy part! Today was the second day I didn't wear a pad during work! Some of you know I am a letter carrier. On my route I have about 5000 stairs. I don't do them all everyday, but I probably would do 3-4000. I go fairly fast down these stairs and all the pressure from my belly would just push "it" out.
Except now, for 2 whole work days, my bladder has withstood all those G-forces! Today was a real test too. I really had to go! There aren't any pit stops, so unless I can't do anything but ask to use someone's washroom, I hold it. I made it through. Now, there was a little dampness, but that was probably more from sweat than anything else. Today, as I walked down the feminine protection isle at the grocery store, I thought to myself, "I don't need you anymore! Except for my REGULAR monthly cycle." That is extra money in my grocery budget! Yaaaayyy!
I hope I haven't scared you all off. But you know, I need to document this kind of stuff too!
ps. Since we have been talking about my nether region... I have lost weight there too. And now when I open my legs, my "lips" open too. This must happen to all women of "normal" size. Doesn't that bother you? I've been so fat, that they always stayed closed. Now when ever I stretch my legs out - like to get out of the car - I get a new, interesting sensation. Do you know about this kind of thing?
Showing posts with label NSV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NSV. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
earbuds
So, I have had a couple of iPods over the years. The first one died on me. The 2nd one fell down a drain in the middle of winter. Because the snow was white and the iPod was white, I had little chance of seeing it. The latest one I have had for a surprisingly long time... about 3 years. I bought it with my airmiles. (It's a turquoise green colour.)
One thing I go through is earphones. I have never liked the earbuds that come with the iPods. They hurt my ear and never really stayed where they should. I never knew how everyone could use theirs because mine were so uncomfortable. Instead I would buy the over the ear kind so that they would hang on by themselves instead of having to "balance" in my ear.
My earphones only last a little while - less than a year for sure. Maybe more like 6 months. The wires would get bent or something. The sound would start to get scratchy then there would be no sound at all. This happened to me at work on Thursday. About half way through my route, I lost my connection.
I don't really want to buy a new set because I don't know where we would take the money from. Last week I spent $30 of my grocery money for a new sprinkler and hose. Our extras jar doesn't have a lot of extras either. It's not a need, but quite a big WANT.
A while ago, I had rounded up my unused earbuds from my ipods and tried to freecycle them. The guy never came to pick them up. They have been sitting on my kitchen counter for months as I thought about what to do with them. I didn't want to throw them out. I was probably going to refreecycle them, but hadn't gotten around to it yet.
So I pulled them out. I was pretty leery at first. Expecting the pressure and then pain of the earbud in my ear. I was waiting for them to keep falling out every time I moved my head. Surprise, surprise, they didn't!
As I was marvelling about this, it came to mind that I guess I had FAT EARS! My mom always told me I have small ears - as in they are less than 3 inches high, and that is what I attributed the bad-fitting earbuds to. Now I know the truth! Even my ears were fat. I guess it makes sense, but I still shake my head in wonder. huh! Who ever heard of fat ears?!?!?!?!?
One thing I go through is earphones. I have never liked the earbuds that come with the iPods. They hurt my ear and never really stayed where they should. I never knew how everyone could use theirs because mine were so uncomfortable. Instead I would buy the over the ear kind so that they would hang on by themselves instead of having to "balance" in my ear.
My earphones only last a little while - less than a year for sure. Maybe more like 6 months. The wires would get bent or something. The sound would start to get scratchy then there would be no sound at all. This happened to me at work on Thursday. About half way through my route, I lost my connection.
I don't really want to buy a new set because I don't know where we would take the money from. Last week I spent $30 of my grocery money for a new sprinkler and hose. Our extras jar doesn't have a lot of extras either. It's not a need, but quite a big WANT.
A while ago, I had rounded up my unused earbuds from my ipods and tried to freecycle them. The guy never came to pick them up. They have been sitting on my kitchen counter for months as I thought about what to do with them. I didn't want to throw them out. I was probably going to refreecycle them, but hadn't gotten around to it yet.
So I pulled them out. I was pretty leery at first. Expecting the pressure and then pain of the earbud in my ear. I was waiting for them to keep falling out every time I moved my head. Surprise, surprise, they didn't!
As I was marvelling about this, it came to mind that I guess I had FAT EARS! My mom always told me I have small ears - as in they are less than 3 inches high, and that is what I attributed the bad-fitting earbuds to. Now I know the truth! Even my ears were fat. I guess it makes sense, but I still shake my head in wonder. huh! Who ever heard of fat ears?!?!?!?!?
Friday, April 23, 2010
Holy STRESS, Batman!
I tell you, it feels like we are in the spin cycle right now. We have hardly had a break since the end of march - just a chance to sit and relax guilt free! I think I should blog about some of this, so I can remember, and then I forget to blog.
At the beginning of April was Anada's birthday, Easter, we hosted Easter dinner for my extended family, my MIL was visiting, the beginning of the census where Norm and I both had an area to do in 21 days, Norm starting his new job driving almost 2 hours out of town most days because the guy who was training was having a road trip, I got a corneal ulcer in my left eye - couldn't drive for 2 days, Anada buckle fractured her wrist this week, my other 2 kids have colds and haven't gone to school, because of same colds, I can't take them to the gym either, the phone has been ringing constantly because of the census, we had a family retreat with our church last weekend (it was very nice, but it took almost 3 full days out of our schedule), I exploded and radioactive slime landed all over my family, I swore at my husband in the explosion, our van needs a new head gasket (it's 13 years old and will cost $2000), our second car has a radiator problem and has been overheating, the beater truck we have has been stalling, we have NO money to even really repair what we have let alone get something newer (our van is the newest vehicle we have.)
There have been a couple of good things too. I drove my husband's truck today. I have never been able to drive it because I didn't fit. Now there is room to spare. I am down to 215.2 this morning. That's 104.8lbs lost - but hey, let's just call it 105. I was running low on shirts so after my explosion, Norm let me out and I went shopping. I got a pair of pants for work ( did I mention I was going back to work on May 3rd?!?!?!) and found a couple of tops. Guess what size they were. Come on. Guess!! Oh alright. I'll tell you. One was a size 14. The other was an X - not a 1X but just X. I don't think I have been this small since I was in grade 8. At least that was the last time I remember wearing a size 14. (of course, I also think there has been size creeping going on. I think that this new size 14 would be bigger than the 14 of yesteryear.) The pants were a 1x. Amazing. The next time I buy clothes, I will no longer be able to buy them in a dedicated plus size store. I have been going over this in my brain for the last couple of days. I still don't quite believe it. Especially when I see my body. My body still has such a big belly and the skin still hangs and droops. When I look down, I can see more of my legs and my lap is almost completely uncovered, but it still sticks out in the seemingly same proportion that is used to. One of my kids commented that it looked like I had a baby in there. Oh well.
Some other NSV's I've had include wearing my wedding ring again. I had is sized smaller when I lost weight before and it now fits again. I can kneel on the floor and my bum can sit on my feet. Before, I could never do that because I had too much fat on the back of my legs. My calf and my hamstring part would meet and stop me from going down farther. I am able to wear my husband's jacket. I can go for a long walk with hills and not be winded. I am getting my legs lasered tomorrow for my 100lb celebration. People don't look at my face then drop their gaze down to my belly anymore. They just keep their eyes on me. People are starting to not recognize me anymore.
I find it really surprising, shocking, interesting that many people are telling me how good I am looking. And then I saw a picture of me on the weekend retreat. I can't believe how bad I still look. How fat I still am. How closed my posture is. How my hair cut looks terrible. Who's right? I would still qualify for the surgery at my current weight if I had co-morbidities (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc.) I would have qualified without any co-morbidities just about 10 lbs ago. I know I was fat, but on the inside I don't know if I really knew how fat. It wasn't until the 310 lb mark or so where I felt my weight socially and started to recoil and avoid people. All I can say it that I am definitely glad I had this surgery. It has really give me not only my life back, but a new life.
One thing it hasn't done for me is fix my eating problems. I am an emotional eater. During this month I have been eating a lot of junk. A lot of sugar. I have been searching out for my fixes. On my shopping night, all day and night I was thinking, "what can I eat? What can I eat? I need some sugar. I need some fat. What can I eat?" I ended up at Taco Bell/KFC and had a few bites of a chicken snacker sandwich and then about 3 bites of a bean burrito. It didn't taste all that good. I got full so fast that it was hard for the emotions to be soothed. I wanted to eat more, but knew I couldn't. I guess that's a good thing.
Then my plan was to go for a walk on Nose hill - a great piece of grassland in the city with amazing views. I was sitting there waiting to feel better. Waiting to see if the food would go down or need to come up. I didn't feel great emotionally or physically. I ended up walking anyway. It was good. God met me there. I was able to kneel and pray in the open seclusion. I prayed for the protection of my family from me. I prayed that He would heal me and heal the generational sins and demonic influences from the past. I prayed that my children could be free from the entanglements that I have unfortunately laid down for them.
I think He has answered that prayer. I am in a Beth Moore book called "Breaking Free" and the verses she has us looking at are in Isaiah. Let me get my Bible and I will write them out for you (and me.)
Isaiah 61: 1-4
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion --
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of prise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.
The part I bolded really caught my attention. That is exactly what I had prayed for. God told me that they - the poor, brokenhearted, the captives and those who are bound - will build and raise and repair the devastations of many generations. How incredible is that. Each time He does this, I am amazed by Him. He is so gracious to me. So generous. I will praise him.
I will leave with just one last positive note - tomorrow I'm going to the Beth Moore simulcast. She won't be live in Calgary, but she will be live somewhere! "so long insecurity" is the topic. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly apply to me?!?!?!
At the beginning of April was Anada's birthday, Easter, we hosted Easter dinner for my extended family, my MIL was visiting, the beginning of the census where Norm and I both had an area to do in 21 days, Norm starting his new job driving almost 2 hours out of town most days because the guy who was training was having a road trip, I got a corneal ulcer in my left eye - couldn't drive for 2 days, Anada buckle fractured her wrist this week, my other 2 kids have colds and haven't gone to school, because of same colds, I can't take them to the gym either, the phone has been ringing constantly because of the census, we had a family retreat with our church last weekend (it was very nice, but it took almost 3 full days out of our schedule), I exploded and radioactive slime landed all over my family, I swore at my husband in the explosion, our van needs a new head gasket (it's 13 years old and will cost $2000), our second car has a radiator problem and has been overheating, the beater truck we have has been stalling, we have NO money to even really repair what we have let alone get something newer (our van is the newest vehicle we have.)
There have been a couple of good things too. I drove my husband's truck today. I have never been able to drive it because I didn't fit. Now there is room to spare. I am down to 215.2 this morning. That's 104.8lbs lost - but hey, let's just call it 105. I was running low on shirts so after my explosion, Norm let me out and I went shopping. I got a pair of pants for work ( did I mention I was going back to work on May 3rd?!?!?!) and found a couple of tops. Guess what size they were. Come on. Guess!! Oh alright. I'll tell you. One was a size 14. The other was an X - not a 1X but just X. I don't think I have been this small since I was in grade 8. At least that was the last time I remember wearing a size 14. (of course, I also think there has been size creeping going on. I think that this new size 14 would be bigger than the 14 of yesteryear.) The pants were a 1x. Amazing. The next time I buy clothes, I will no longer be able to buy them in a dedicated plus size store. I have been going over this in my brain for the last couple of days. I still don't quite believe it. Especially when I see my body. My body still has such a big belly and the skin still hangs and droops. When I look down, I can see more of my legs and my lap is almost completely uncovered, but it still sticks out in the seemingly same proportion that is used to. One of my kids commented that it looked like I had a baby in there. Oh well.
Some other NSV's I've had include wearing my wedding ring again. I had is sized smaller when I lost weight before and it now fits again. I can kneel on the floor and my bum can sit on my feet. Before, I could never do that because I had too much fat on the back of my legs. My calf and my hamstring part would meet and stop me from going down farther. I am able to wear my husband's jacket. I can go for a long walk with hills and not be winded. I am getting my legs lasered tomorrow for my 100lb celebration. People don't look at my face then drop their gaze down to my belly anymore. They just keep their eyes on me. People are starting to not recognize me anymore.
I find it really surprising, shocking, interesting that many people are telling me how good I am looking. And then I saw a picture of me on the weekend retreat. I can't believe how bad I still look. How fat I still am. How closed my posture is. How my hair cut looks terrible. Who's right? I would still qualify for the surgery at my current weight if I had co-morbidities (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc.) I would have qualified without any co-morbidities just about 10 lbs ago. I know I was fat, but on the inside I don't know if I really knew how fat. It wasn't until the 310 lb mark or so where I felt my weight socially and started to recoil and avoid people. All I can say it that I am definitely glad I had this surgery. It has really give me not only my life back, but a new life.
One thing it hasn't done for me is fix my eating problems. I am an emotional eater. During this month I have been eating a lot of junk. A lot of sugar. I have been searching out for my fixes. On my shopping night, all day and night I was thinking, "what can I eat? What can I eat? I need some sugar. I need some fat. What can I eat?" I ended up at Taco Bell/KFC and had a few bites of a chicken snacker sandwich and then about 3 bites of a bean burrito. It didn't taste all that good. I got full so fast that it was hard for the emotions to be soothed. I wanted to eat more, but knew I couldn't. I guess that's a good thing.
Then my plan was to go for a walk on Nose hill - a great piece of grassland in the city with amazing views. I was sitting there waiting to feel better. Waiting to see if the food would go down or need to come up. I didn't feel great emotionally or physically. I ended up walking anyway. It was good. God met me there. I was able to kneel and pray in the open seclusion. I prayed for the protection of my family from me. I prayed that He would heal me and heal the generational sins and demonic influences from the past. I prayed that my children could be free from the entanglements that I have unfortunately laid down for them.
I think He has answered that prayer. I am in a Beth Moore book called "Breaking Free" and the verses she has us looking at are in Isaiah. Let me get my Bible and I will write them out for you (and me.)
Isaiah 61: 1-4
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion --
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of prise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.
The part I bolded really caught my attention. That is exactly what I had prayed for. God told me that they - the poor, brokenhearted, the captives and those who are bound - will build and raise and repair the devastations of many generations. How incredible is that. Each time He does this, I am amazed by Him. He is so gracious to me. So generous. I will praise him.
I will leave with just one last positive note - tomorrow I'm going to the Beth Moore simulcast. She won't be live in Calgary, but she will be live somewhere! "so long insecurity" is the topic. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly apply to me?!?!?!
Friday, March 19, 2010
BAD! Bad Mother! (warning: extremely lengthy)
This week I had a couple of amazing , completely scale focused victories and then another non-scale victory.
Remember this day: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 - I, kb, weighed less than my hubby for the first time ever!!! This was very exciting. With kids, we talk about who is the biggest in the family. And it is always daddy then mommy then the kids. I have always been uncomfortable in this situation because I knew I was the biggest. Daddy was the tallest, but I was the biggest. It's not something I wanted to admit to anyone but myself so I would never talk about it much. But as of Wednesday, daddy IS the biggest! It's funny, because today we were tied. Norm said I couldn't say I was smaller than him because we were now tied. I had to explain to him very slowly and carefully that I am in possession of the smallest Title. In order for him to earn the title back, he has to go even lower than me. He can't just tie me and expect to have it for himself. As I always remind him: If he had started his diet when I suggested he start, he wouldn't have had to worry about this. At least for a few more pounds.
Then, the next day, my 4 month surgiversary (thanks for reminding me to take pictures tonight!), I was 228.8. This is another milestone for me because it is the number I was at before I got pregnant with my first. I was 228 after losing about 50 lbs. Once I go under this one, I'm in new territory as an adult. I figure I was in my 220's around grade 12 and Bible college and probably 1st year university. During BLTS, I was able to squeeze into an XL from the regular stores, but it was tight. I remember at the beginning of 2nd yr university, I moved up to a size 22 - I hadn't been that high before. Right now, I'm probably a size 20 bottom. I don't have any size 20's, but my 22's are getting loose. I'm trying to make do with what I have until I can reasonably fit into the 18's in my closet. The sad parts are the changes that have happened since having 3 kids. I figure that my belly is a good 4 inches bigger than it was before kids. So, even though I'm the same number, it's not all back to where it was before.
My NSV came at the gym yesterday. Did I tell you I started to jog? My physiotherapist gave me a chart on how to learn to run from the beginning. run 1 minute, walk 4. Do this 4 times. Do it 3 times a week. The next week run 2 mins, walk 3. and so on. So, I tried it out. The kids wanted to play at a park, so I thought I would go for a walk. While I was walking I had a brainwave and tried this out. I was shocked that I could even run for one minute straight. It didn't hurt. I didn't think I would die. I made it through. I even did it the 4 times! I was quite impressed with myself. I continued to jog - although not everytime I exercised. But on Thursday at the gym, I did a very short workout - only 6 - 10 reps and only 1 set - and then I did a tiny bit of cardio. I got on the treadmill and started jogging. I thought, hey! it's time I tried for 2 mins. I was able to do it. Now, let me assure you, I am not going fast. No more than 5 miles an hour. a 12 minute mile. (The guy on the treadmill in front of me was doing 7 minute miles.) But still, I did 2 minutes. I went for my 2nd round, but my back was too sore. I go back to physio on Monday and I need it. I'll ask him about all the jarring. The plan is to ensure a pain free experience.
I was so excited. In the locker room after my 2 minutes, I met a friend and we were able to chat for a minute. Then I chatted with the childcare worker for a bit. I was actually trying to get home fast, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I think I had a divine appointment I needed to wait for.
So, on the way out to the van from the gym, I had my baby in my arm, the diaper bag on my shoulder, my gym bag in one hand and then my son walking along. For the life of me, I couldn't keep baby up, she kept slipping. Please let me explain, that my gym makes you workout before you workout. There are at least 30 stairs to climb when you come in and 30 on the way out. So, trying to get everyone and everything to the van after a workout is almost harder than climbing the stairs on the way in.
I need to preface this next part. I am embarrassed and ashamed and feel (felt?) completely judged by what I am about to share. It was definitely not one of my better parenting moments. I am sharing it because of God's power and glory and how, just an hour ago, He absolutely and completely humbled me with his grace and mercy.
As we approach the van, my son says, "I have to go pee!" I haven't noticed his pee-pee dance yet, but later I found out that some had already got out. I was feeling buoyant with all of the things I described earlier, but overwhelmed at just getting to the van. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I would be able to make it back into the gym, to the toilet for my son to actually use it. I also didn't think I would be able to make it with my hands and arms already in fatigue just getting to where we were. I made the decision to let him pee in front of the van. (That was the not-so-stellar parenting moment.)
I got the baby in and bags in and then turned to deal with said situation. My plan was to get him a little isolated to he wouldn't just be in the middle of the parking lot peeing. As I turned to get him, he had already dropped his pants. Out it started to come.
I was embarrassed as vehicles went by. It is a small parking lot that is always full. At first I was glad there was an open spot beside my van to open my humongous doors. But then someone waited for my son to finish his job and then for us all to get in and close the door in order to use the spot beside me. I didn't want to make eye contact. Like I said, not my proudest moment. But I saw something out of the corner of my eye.
She was saying something to me, but her window was closed. I said "pardon?" (bad decision number 2) She rolled down her window and said "That is DISGUSTING! I can't believe you did that."
Oh my goodness. My heart was pounding. Before I knew it, I was at her shiny, white SUV passenger door talking very loudly in my "I'm about to lose it with a stranger voice." What am I supposed to do? I asked. I have 2 kids, and he had to go and...
Well, I have 3 kids. What if everyone did that? That's gross. - shaking head in utter disgust
I'm sorry if I offended you. That was not what I was trying to do. This is not something I normally do. I am just doing the best I can. I am just doing the best I can! What am I supposed to do?!?!?!? - Arms flailing and voice very high by this point.
She continues her head shaking and rolls up her window.
A 10 second interaction has completely ruined my day. All the joy I had felt previously was gone. For the remainder of the day (yesterday) it affected my mood and dominated my thoughts. Today, it would surface now and then, and wreak havoc, but only occasionally.
All day Thursday I was trying to figure out why I was so riled up. It was over. We may never cross paths again. (hopefully) How come my heart was still beating so fast? Why was I so anxious about it? I settled on the words I mentioned earlier: judged, embarrassed and ashamed.
This woman totally judged me based on that one thing. So just to get even, here are my judgements of her. She says she has 3 kids, but they were not with her at the gym in the middle of the day. Her SUV was clean and new. She has no idea that we had no money for groceries this week. I imagine that money is not a problem for her. She doesn't know what I have gone through the last year. She doesn't know that I have lost 91 pounds in 4 months. She doesn't know me. How dare she judge me and tell me that what I did was disgusting.
I am totally embarrassed by this too. When I think about sharing with friends, I hold myself back. I don't want to admit that I let my son pee in the parking lot. (I almost didn't share it here because more people are asking for the address.) I did it because it was easiest for me and better than telling my son to hold it until he eventually would pee his pants.
The shame is deep. Not only what I did was disgusting, but I am disgusting. Only a disgusting person would allow that to happen. Only a disgusting person would let themselves get so fat. Only a disgusting person could be so unlovable as me. This shame is not on the surface very much. But is something that is deep in my heart. As I write this, the physical pain is deep inside my ribcage.
I have been praying for emotional healing and for God to bring up what needs attention. Shame will be a big one.
Now we have to take a step back into my Lent story. The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I find that I am much more lax on the internet rules. I will search this or that. I'll look up just this one thing. Or I will follow a link because it came to me in my email, which I am allowed to do. Also, my working to see the wonder has been falling off too. I will do a bit, but won't delve in to far. I cut my prayers short for a break. I have missed a few days altogether this week.
Tonight Norm is working (I need to write about that another time.) The kids are sleeping and it is quiet. I turn on my iPod and cross stitch for a while. I have really been missing it. There just isn't enough time to do it, even with limited internet and no tv.
As I'm stitching, I'm thinking about doing my homework. I haven't done it lately. But I convince myself that I need to follow through on the working to see the wonder. I need to do the work. (The study I am doing now is Loving Well by Beth Moore. It is so amazing how God orchestrates exactly what I need to learn at specific times.) So I pull out the journal and start working.
Thoughts of this event keep running through my mind. So I stop to deal with it. I have been praying for Truth. I ask for more Truth.
I sit there and realize that God allowed this to happen. If he is in control, which I believe he is, then he either wanted this or allowed this. He knew it would happen. That really floored me. He is supposed to PROTECT me! He is supposed to care for me. He is supposed to heal me. I am supposed to feel safe with him. How can I feel safe when he allows this to happen? He allowed someone to judge me and make me embarrassed and feel ashamed. Why? I was upset.
Earlier today, on a podcast, the pastor mentioned going to John 8 to learn about demons. God was telling me to read this now. I don't remember the connection to the demon reference - oh, maybe it was being attacked or something like that. Anyway, the pastor didn't give the reference, so I just read from verse 12. Right away, in verse 15, Jesus is telling me "I judge no one." I started bawling. I can feel judged all I want, and others can judge me all they want, but Jesus judges no one!! He doesn't judge me. I was finally able to tell myself that what I did, might not have been the best, but it was NOT a sin. Jesus didn't judge me. Hallelujah! I sat with that for a bit, then I kept reading.
In verse 29 was another doozie. "He has not left me alone." After feeling the abandonment of God, that I couldn't trust him if he would allow this, I read that He has not left me alone, even in this!!! Wow! This utterly changed my spirit. I was free! I am free.
God used these events to break one of my spiritual bondages. I wonder if I have felt abandoned by God for most of my life. It really resonated with me when I thought it and prayed about it.
I have felt isolated from most people for most of my life and abandoned by God when I have asked him for help over and over and over again. I pray that this new truth will be life altering.
Well, it has taken me almost 2 hours to write this. It needed to be written as a memorial to what God is doing. AMEN
Remember this day: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 - I, kb, weighed less than my hubby for the first time ever!!! This was very exciting. With kids, we talk about who is the biggest in the family. And it is always daddy then mommy then the kids. I have always been uncomfortable in this situation because I knew I was the biggest. Daddy was the tallest, but I was the biggest. It's not something I wanted to admit to anyone but myself so I would never talk about it much. But as of Wednesday, daddy IS the biggest! It's funny, because today we were tied. Norm said I couldn't say I was smaller than him because we were now tied. I had to explain to him very slowly and carefully that I am in possession of the smallest Title. In order for him to earn the title back, he has to go even lower than me. He can't just tie me and expect to have it for himself. As I always remind him: If he had started his diet when I suggested he start, he wouldn't have had to worry about this. At least for a few more pounds.
Then, the next day, my 4 month surgiversary (thanks for reminding me to take pictures tonight!), I was 228.8. This is another milestone for me because it is the number I was at before I got pregnant with my first. I was 228 after losing about 50 lbs. Once I go under this one, I'm in new territory as an adult. I figure I was in my 220's around grade 12 and Bible college and probably 1st year university. During BLTS, I was able to squeeze into an XL from the regular stores, but it was tight. I remember at the beginning of 2nd yr university, I moved up to a size 22 - I hadn't been that high before. Right now, I'm probably a size 20 bottom. I don't have any size 20's, but my 22's are getting loose. I'm trying to make do with what I have until I can reasonably fit into the 18's in my closet. The sad parts are the changes that have happened since having 3 kids. I figure that my belly is a good 4 inches bigger than it was before kids. So, even though I'm the same number, it's not all back to where it was before.
My NSV came at the gym yesterday. Did I tell you I started to jog? My physiotherapist gave me a chart on how to learn to run from the beginning. run 1 minute, walk 4. Do this 4 times. Do it 3 times a week. The next week run 2 mins, walk 3. and so on. So, I tried it out. The kids wanted to play at a park, so I thought I would go for a walk. While I was walking I had a brainwave and tried this out. I was shocked that I could even run for one minute straight. It didn't hurt. I didn't think I would die. I made it through. I even did it the 4 times! I was quite impressed with myself. I continued to jog - although not everytime I exercised. But on Thursday at the gym, I did a very short workout - only 6 - 10 reps and only 1 set - and then I did a tiny bit of cardio. I got on the treadmill and started jogging. I thought, hey! it's time I tried for 2 mins. I was able to do it. Now, let me assure you, I am not going fast. No more than 5 miles an hour. a 12 minute mile. (The guy on the treadmill in front of me was doing 7 minute miles.) But still, I did 2 minutes. I went for my 2nd round, but my back was too sore. I go back to physio on Monday and I need it. I'll ask him about all the jarring. The plan is to ensure a pain free experience.
I was so excited. In the locker room after my 2 minutes, I met a friend and we were able to chat for a minute. Then I chatted with the childcare worker for a bit. I was actually trying to get home fast, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I think I had a divine appointment I needed to wait for.
So, on the way out to the van from the gym, I had my baby in my arm, the diaper bag on my shoulder, my gym bag in one hand and then my son walking along. For the life of me, I couldn't keep baby up, she kept slipping. Please let me explain, that my gym makes you workout before you workout. There are at least 30 stairs to climb when you come in and 30 on the way out. So, trying to get everyone and everything to the van after a workout is almost harder than climbing the stairs on the way in.
I need to preface this next part. I am embarrassed and ashamed and feel (felt?) completely judged by what I am about to share. It was definitely not one of my better parenting moments. I am sharing it because of God's power and glory and how, just an hour ago, He absolutely and completely humbled me with his grace and mercy.
As we approach the van, my son says, "I have to go pee!" I haven't noticed his pee-pee dance yet, but later I found out that some had already got out. I was feeling buoyant with all of the things I described earlier, but overwhelmed at just getting to the van. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I would be able to make it back into the gym, to the toilet for my son to actually use it. I also didn't think I would be able to make it with my hands and arms already in fatigue just getting to where we were. I made the decision to let him pee in front of the van. (That was the not-so-stellar parenting moment.)
I got the baby in and bags in and then turned to deal with said situation. My plan was to get him a little isolated to he wouldn't just be in the middle of the parking lot peeing. As I turned to get him, he had already dropped his pants. Out it started to come.
I was embarrassed as vehicles went by. It is a small parking lot that is always full. At first I was glad there was an open spot beside my van to open my humongous doors. But then someone waited for my son to finish his job and then for us all to get in and close the door in order to use the spot beside me. I didn't want to make eye contact. Like I said, not my proudest moment. But I saw something out of the corner of my eye.
She was saying something to me, but her window was closed. I said "pardon?" (bad decision number 2) She rolled down her window and said "That is DISGUSTING! I can't believe you did that."
Oh my goodness. My heart was pounding. Before I knew it, I was at her shiny, white SUV passenger door talking very loudly in my "I'm about to lose it with a stranger voice." What am I supposed to do? I asked. I have 2 kids, and he had to go and...
Well, I have 3 kids. What if everyone did that? That's gross. - shaking head in utter disgust
I'm sorry if I offended you. That was not what I was trying to do. This is not something I normally do. I am just doing the best I can. I am just doing the best I can! What am I supposed to do?!?!?!? - Arms flailing and voice very high by this point.
She continues her head shaking and rolls up her window.
A 10 second interaction has completely ruined my day. All the joy I had felt previously was gone. For the remainder of the day (yesterday) it affected my mood and dominated my thoughts. Today, it would surface now and then, and wreak havoc, but only occasionally.
All day Thursday I was trying to figure out why I was so riled up. It was over. We may never cross paths again. (hopefully) How come my heart was still beating so fast? Why was I so anxious about it? I settled on the words I mentioned earlier: judged, embarrassed and ashamed.
This woman totally judged me based on that one thing. So just to get even, here are my judgements of her. She says she has 3 kids, but they were not with her at the gym in the middle of the day. Her SUV was clean and new. She has no idea that we had no money for groceries this week. I imagine that money is not a problem for her. She doesn't know what I have gone through the last year. She doesn't know that I have lost 91 pounds in 4 months. She doesn't know me. How dare she judge me and tell me that what I did was disgusting.
I am totally embarrassed by this too. When I think about sharing with friends, I hold myself back. I don't want to admit that I let my son pee in the parking lot. (I almost didn't share it here because more people are asking for the address.) I did it because it was easiest for me and better than telling my son to hold it until he eventually would pee his pants.
The shame is deep. Not only what I did was disgusting, but I am disgusting. Only a disgusting person would allow that to happen. Only a disgusting person would let themselves get so fat. Only a disgusting person could be so unlovable as me. This shame is not on the surface very much. But is something that is deep in my heart. As I write this, the physical pain is deep inside my ribcage.
I have been praying for emotional healing and for God to bring up what needs attention. Shame will be a big one.
Now we have to take a step back into my Lent story. The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I find that I am much more lax on the internet rules. I will search this or that. I'll look up just this one thing. Or I will follow a link because it came to me in my email, which I am allowed to do. Also, my working to see the wonder has been falling off too. I will do a bit, but won't delve in to far. I cut my prayers short for a break. I have missed a few days altogether this week.
Tonight Norm is working (I need to write about that another time.) The kids are sleeping and it is quiet. I turn on my iPod and cross stitch for a while. I have really been missing it. There just isn't enough time to do it, even with limited internet and no tv.
As I'm stitching, I'm thinking about doing my homework. I haven't done it lately. But I convince myself that I need to follow through on the working to see the wonder. I need to do the work. (The study I am doing now is Loving Well by Beth Moore. It is so amazing how God orchestrates exactly what I need to learn at specific times.) So I pull out the journal and start working.
Thoughts of this event keep running through my mind. So I stop to deal with it. I have been praying for Truth. I ask for more Truth.
I sit there and realize that God allowed this to happen. If he is in control, which I believe he is, then he either wanted this or allowed this. He knew it would happen. That really floored me. He is supposed to PROTECT me! He is supposed to care for me. He is supposed to heal me. I am supposed to feel safe with him. How can I feel safe when he allows this to happen? He allowed someone to judge me and make me embarrassed and feel ashamed. Why? I was upset.
Earlier today, on a podcast, the pastor mentioned going to John 8 to learn about demons. God was telling me to read this now. I don't remember the connection to the demon reference - oh, maybe it was being attacked or something like that. Anyway, the pastor didn't give the reference, so I just read from verse 12. Right away, in verse 15, Jesus is telling me "I judge no one." I started bawling. I can feel judged all I want, and others can judge me all they want, but Jesus judges no one!! He doesn't judge me. I was finally able to tell myself that what I did, might not have been the best, but it was NOT a sin. Jesus didn't judge me. Hallelujah! I sat with that for a bit, then I kept reading.
In verse 29 was another doozie. "He has not left me alone." After feeling the abandonment of God, that I couldn't trust him if he would allow this, I read that He has not left me alone, even in this!!! Wow! This utterly changed my spirit. I was free! I am free.
God used these events to break one of my spiritual bondages. I wonder if I have felt abandoned by God for most of my life. It really resonated with me when I thought it and prayed about it.
I have felt isolated from most people for most of my life and abandoned by God when I have asked him for help over and over and over again. I pray that this new truth will be life altering.
Well, it has taken me almost 2 hours to write this. It needed to be written as a memorial to what God is doing. AMEN
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
yippee!
Today is my 8 week birthday. I am down 57 pounds. That's not bad.
I have had a couple of Non-Scale Victories (NSV) in the last few days.
My mom gave me a size 22 pair of jeans that I had given her. I tried them on. And I could wear them! Now let me tell you that after 3 children, my body is not the same! Even if I am at the same weight, my body has put things in different places. I tend to store a lot of fat in my belly and since having kids, it seems to collect there even more. It was funny, because I could do up the button without any struggle, but to complete the zipper job, I had to lay down. I would have worn them out, but they are Capri's! And we all know that you can't wear Capri's in the winter. DUH!
The 2nd neat thing I have noticed is when I get in the van. I pile everyone in first, do up seat belts and then finally get in myself. As I get in, I look at the seat and think, "Oh, I don't think I will fit there. It looks too close to the steering wheel." I go anyway and then I fit! Yay! My belly doesn't even touch the steering wheel. It will be odd as I go forward and have increasing more room. This also relates to one of the reasons for me having surgery. Increasingly I wasn't fitting into standard situations - booths, clothes of the rack, vehicles, amusement park rides and my husband's very old truck. It was built for a man who has long legs and can reach the pedals without a problem. I have short, itty-bitty legs. I couldn't drive his truck because I couldn't get the seat close enough without my belly crashing into the wheel. Now, not that I really want to drive his truck, but it is nice to have the flexibility once in a while! I haven't tested it, but I figure I have another 30 or 40 pounds to go before I could really fit.
So, I have started my meds. I think it's a good idea for right now. I have spent the last few days very unmotivated and my house is paying for it.
so, what else?
I think Norm and I will start working out together in the mornings while Alex is at school. That should be good.
When will I remember to chew my food? I still forget and remember when it's already down the pipe and then promptly forget as I do the same thing with the next bite. CRAZY!
I have had a couple of Non-Scale Victories (NSV) in the last few days.
My mom gave me a size 22 pair of jeans that I had given her. I tried them on. And I could wear them! Now let me tell you that after 3 children, my body is not the same! Even if I am at the same weight, my body has put things in different places. I tend to store a lot of fat in my belly and since having kids, it seems to collect there even more. It was funny, because I could do up the button without any struggle, but to complete the zipper job, I had to lay down. I would have worn them out, but they are Capri's! And we all know that you can't wear Capri's in the winter. DUH!
The 2nd neat thing I have noticed is when I get in the van. I pile everyone in first, do up seat belts and then finally get in myself. As I get in, I look at the seat and think, "Oh, I don't think I will fit there. It looks too close to the steering wheel." I go anyway and then I fit! Yay! My belly doesn't even touch the steering wheel. It will be odd as I go forward and have increasing more room. This also relates to one of the reasons for me having surgery. Increasingly I wasn't fitting into standard situations - booths, clothes of the rack, vehicles, amusement park rides and my husband's very old truck. It was built for a man who has long legs and can reach the pedals without a problem. I have short, itty-bitty legs. I couldn't drive his truck because I couldn't get the seat close enough without my belly crashing into the wheel. Now, not that I really want to drive his truck, but it is nice to have the flexibility once in a while! I haven't tested it, but I figure I have another 30 or 40 pounds to go before I could really fit.
So, I have started my meds. I think it's a good idea for right now. I have spent the last few days very unmotivated and my house is paying for it.
so, what else?
I think Norm and I will start working out together in the mornings while Alex is at school. That should be good.
When will I remember to chew my food? I still forget and remember when it's already down the pipe and then promptly forget as I do the same thing with the next bite. CRAZY!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)