This is something I don't share with anyone. My SIL knows but mainly from observation rather than direct conversation. My husband knows - but he's lived with me for almost 9 years. I have no idea if my parents ever knew. Or if anyone else could tell from what I was wearing.
For those of you who have been morbidly obese, this will probably not shock you. For the rest... cover your eyes.
So, I have basically worn a pad everyday of my life since I was in university. My bladder leaked all day every day. I remember wondering why I was wet in high school, how I could get everything out, but there would always be that little bit left. My pants would be damp and of course there would be an odour. I don't think I did anything about it then. I was too embarrassed to even buy pads at the time.
I was so embarrassed, I never mentioned it to my doctors. I was so embarrassed, that I have never really confessed it to anyone.
Thinking back, I started wearing pads because while the constant leaking was not nice, it was the stress incontinence from laughing or movement that was really embarrassing. I like to play games and when I would play I would usually laugh. Then I would be wet. I would think about how my pants would be able to hide the evidence. Usually I would try to be last to leave the area so no one would be able to see my behind. (even writing this now, 15-20 years later, is difficult.)
With a pad, I was usually safe even if I was laughing. Safe that is, except if it (I still can't bring myself to use the "u" word) squished up my bum. But it usually wasn't too bad. So for literally decades, I have worn a pad every day. Some days would be better than others, but when I would try to go without, I would discover that nothing had changed.
I'm not sure what weight I was - maybe somewhere around the 205 mark - I went without a pad. I remember reading about some women being cured of their stress incontinence and wondered if I had been cured of mine.
I chose a day that I didn't have to work. Because there is so much jarring, I didn't have that much faith I would be cured. That day I stayed dry. It was amazing to me. Finally I wouldn't have to have all those chemicals by my private parts all the time. So, since then, I haven't worn a pad on non-work days.
But here is the juicy part! Today was the second day I didn't wear a pad during work! Some of you know I am a letter carrier. On my route I have about 5000 stairs. I don't do them all everyday, but I probably would do 3-4000. I go fairly fast down these stairs and all the pressure from my belly would just push "it" out.
Except now, for 2 whole work days, my bladder has withstood all those G-forces! Today was a real test too. I really had to go! There aren't any pit stops, so unless I can't do anything but ask to use someone's washroom, I hold it. I made it through. Now, there was a little dampness, but that was probably more from sweat than anything else. Today, as I walked down the feminine protection isle at the grocery store, I thought to myself, "I don't need you anymore! Except for my REGULAR monthly cycle." That is extra money in my grocery budget! Yaaaayyy!
I hope I haven't scared you all off. But you know, I need to document this kind of stuff too!
ps. Since we have been talking about my nether region... I have lost weight there too. And now when I open my legs, my "lips" open too. This must happen to all women of "normal" size. Doesn't that bother you? I've been so fat, that they always stayed closed. Now when ever I stretch my legs out - like to get out of the car - I get a new, interesting sensation. Do you know about this kind of thing?
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Holy STRESS, Batman!
I tell you, it feels like we are in the spin cycle right now. We have hardly had a break since the end of march - just a chance to sit and relax guilt free! I think I should blog about some of this, so I can remember, and then I forget to blog.
At the beginning of April was Anada's birthday, Easter, we hosted Easter dinner for my extended family, my MIL was visiting, the beginning of the census where Norm and I both had an area to do in 21 days, Norm starting his new job driving almost 2 hours out of town most days because the guy who was training was having a road trip, I got a corneal ulcer in my left eye - couldn't drive for 2 days, Anada buckle fractured her wrist this week, my other 2 kids have colds and haven't gone to school, because of same colds, I can't take them to the gym either, the phone has been ringing constantly because of the census, we had a family retreat with our church last weekend (it was very nice, but it took almost 3 full days out of our schedule), I exploded and radioactive slime landed all over my family, I swore at my husband in the explosion, our van needs a new head gasket (it's 13 years old and will cost $2000), our second car has a radiator problem and has been overheating, the beater truck we have has been stalling, we have NO money to even really repair what we have let alone get something newer (our van is the newest vehicle we have.)
There have been a couple of good things too. I drove my husband's truck today. I have never been able to drive it because I didn't fit. Now there is room to spare. I am down to 215.2 this morning. That's 104.8lbs lost - but hey, let's just call it 105. I was running low on shirts so after my explosion, Norm let me out and I went shopping. I got a pair of pants for work ( did I mention I was going back to work on May 3rd?!?!?!) and found a couple of tops. Guess what size they were. Come on. Guess!! Oh alright. I'll tell you. One was a size 14. The other was an X - not a 1X but just X. I don't think I have been this small since I was in grade 8. At least that was the last time I remember wearing a size 14. (of course, I also think there has been size creeping going on. I think that this new size 14 would be bigger than the 14 of yesteryear.) The pants were a 1x. Amazing. The next time I buy clothes, I will no longer be able to buy them in a dedicated plus size store. I have been going over this in my brain for the last couple of days. I still don't quite believe it. Especially when I see my body. My body still has such a big belly and the skin still hangs and droops. When I look down, I can see more of my legs and my lap is almost completely uncovered, but it still sticks out in the seemingly same proportion that is used to. One of my kids commented that it looked like I had a baby in there. Oh well.
Some other NSV's I've had include wearing my wedding ring again. I had is sized smaller when I lost weight before and it now fits again. I can kneel on the floor and my bum can sit on my feet. Before, I could never do that because I had too much fat on the back of my legs. My calf and my hamstring part would meet and stop me from going down farther. I am able to wear my husband's jacket. I can go for a long walk with hills and not be winded. I am getting my legs lasered tomorrow for my 100lb celebration. People don't look at my face then drop their gaze down to my belly anymore. They just keep their eyes on me. People are starting to not recognize me anymore.
I find it really surprising, shocking, interesting that many people are telling me how good I am looking. And then I saw a picture of me on the weekend retreat. I can't believe how bad I still look. How fat I still am. How closed my posture is. How my hair cut looks terrible. Who's right? I would still qualify for the surgery at my current weight if I had co-morbidities (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc.) I would have qualified without any co-morbidities just about 10 lbs ago. I know I was fat, but on the inside I don't know if I really knew how fat. It wasn't until the 310 lb mark or so where I felt my weight socially and started to recoil and avoid people. All I can say it that I am definitely glad I had this surgery. It has really give me not only my life back, but a new life.
One thing it hasn't done for me is fix my eating problems. I am an emotional eater. During this month I have been eating a lot of junk. A lot of sugar. I have been searching out for my fixes. On my shopping night, all day and night I was thinking, "what can I eat? What can I eat? I need some sugar. I need some fat. What can I eat?" I ended up at Taco Bell/KFC and had a few bites of a chicken snacker sandwich and then about 3 bites of a bean burrito. It didn't taste all that good. I got full so fast that it was hard for the emotions to be soothed. I wanted to eat more, but knew I couldn't. I guess that's a good thing.
Then my plan was to go for a walk on Nose hill - a great piece of grassland in the city with amazing views. I was sitting there waiting to feel better. Waiting to see if the food would go down or need to come up. I didn't feel great emotionally or physically. I ended up walking anyway. It was good. God met me there. I was able to kneel and pray in the open seclusion. I prayed for the protection of my family from me. I prayed that He would heal me and heal the generational sins and demonic influences from the past. I prayed that my children could be free from the entanglements that I have unfortunately laid down for them.
I think He has answered that prayer. I am in a Beth Moore book called "Breaking Free" and the verses she has us looking at are in Isaiah. Let me get my Bible and I will write them out for you (and me.)
Isaiah 61: 1-4
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion --
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of prise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.
The part I bolded really caught my attention. That is exactly what I had prayed for. God told me that they - the poor, brokenhearted, the captives and those who are bound - will build and raise and repair the devastations of many generations. How incredible is that. Each time He does this, I am amazed by Him. He is so gracious to me. So generous. I will praise him.
I will leave with just one last positive note - tomorrow I'm going to the Beth Moore simulcast. She won't be live in Calgary, but she will be live somewhere! "so long insecurity" is the topic. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly apply to me?!?!?!
At the beginning of April was Anada's birthday, Easter, we hosted Easter dinner for my extended family, my MIL was visiting, the beginning of the census where Norm and I both had an area to do in 21 days, Norm starting his new job driving almost 2 hours out of town most days because the guy who was training was having a road trip, I got a corneal ulcer in my left eye - couldn't drive for 2 days, Anada buckle fractured her wrist this week, my other 2 kids have colds and haven't gone to school, because of same colds, I can't take them to the gym either, the phone has been ringing constantly because of the census, we had a family retreat with our church last weekend (it was very nice, but it took almost 3 full days out of our schedule), I exploded and radioactive slime landed all over my family, I swore at my husband in the explosion, our van needs a new head gasket (it's 13 years old and will cost $2000), our second car has a radiator problem and has been overheating, the beater truck we have has been stalling, we have NO money to even really repair what we have let alone get something newer (our van is the newest vehicle we have.)
There have been a couple of good things too. I drove my husband's truck today. I have never been able to drive it because I didn't fit. Now there is room to spare. I am down to 215.2 this morning. That's 104.8lbs lost - but hey, let's just call it 105. I was running low on shirts so after my explosion, Norm let me out and I went shopping. I got a pair of pants for work ( did I mention I was going back to work on May 3rd?!?!?!) and found a couple of tops. Guess what size they were. Come on. Guess!! Oh alright. I'll tell you. One was a size 14. The other was an X - not a 1X but just X. I don't think I have been this small since I was in grade 8. At least that was the last time I remember wearing a size 14. (of course, I also think there has been size creeping going on. I think that this new size 14 would be bigger than the 14 of yesteryear.) The pants were a 1x. Amazing. The next time I buy clothes, I will no longer be able to buy them in a dedicated plus size store. I have been going over this in my brain for the last couple of days. I still don't quite believe it. Especially when I see my body. My body still has such a big belly and the skin still hangs and droops. When I look down, I can see more of my legs and my lap is almost completely uncovered, but it still sticks out in the seemingly same proportion that is used to. One of my kids commented that it looked like I had a baby in there. Oh well.
Some other NSV's I've had include wearing my wedding ring again. I had is sized smaller when I lost weight before and it now fits again. I can kneel on the floor and my bum can sit on my feet. Before, I could never do that because I had too much fat on the back of my legs. My calf and my hamstring part would meet and stop me from going down farther. I am able to wear my husband's jacket. I can go for a long walk with hills and not be winded. I am getting my legs lasered tomorrow for my 100lb celebration. People don't look at my face then drop their gaze down to my belly anymore. They just keep their eyes on me. People are starting to not recognize me anymore.
I find it really surprising, shocking, interesting that many people are telling me how good I am looking. And then I saw a picture of me on the weekend retreat. I can't believe how bad I still look. How fat I still am. How closed my posture is. How my hair cut looks terrible. Who's right? I would still qualify for the surgery at my current weight if I had co-morbidities (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc.) I would have qualified without any co-morbidities just about 10 lbs ago. I know I was fat, but on the inside I don't know if I really knew how fat. It wasn't until the 310 lb mark or so where I felt my weight socially and started to recoil and avoid people. All I can say it that I am definitely glad I had this surgery. It has really give me not only my life back, but a new life.
One thing it hasn't done for me is fix my eating problems. I am an emotional eater. During this month I have been eating a lot of junk. A lot of sugar. I have been searching out for my fixes. On my shopping night, all day and night I was thinking, "what can I eat? What can I eat? I need some sugar. I need some fat. What can I eat?" I ended up at Taco Bell/KFC and had a few bites of a chicken snacker sandwich and then about 3 bites of a bean burrito. It didn't taste all that good. I got full so fast that it was hard for the emotions to be soothed. I wanted to eat more, but knew I couldn't. I guess that's a good thing.
Then my plan was to go for a walk on Nose hill - a great piece of grassland in the city with amazing views. I was sitting there waiting to feel better. Waiting to see if the food would go down or need to come up. I didn't feel great emotionally or physically. I ended up walking anyway. It was good. God met me there. I was able to kneel and pray in the open seclusion. I prayed for the protection of my family from me. I prayed that He would heal me and heal the generational sins and demonic influences from the past. I prayed that my children could be free from the entanglements that I have unfortunately laid down for them.
I think He has answered that prayer. I am in a Beth Moore book called "Breaking Free" and the verses she has us looking at are in Isaiah. Let me get my Bible and I will write them out for you (and me.)
Isaiah 61: 1-4
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion --
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of prise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.
The part I bolded really caught my attention. That is exactly what I had prayed for. God told me that they - the poor, brokenhearted, the captives and those who are bound - will build and raise and repair the devastations of many generations. How incredible is that. Each time He does this, I am amazed by Him. He is so gracious to me. So generous. I will praise him.
I will leave with just one last positive note - tomorrow I'm going to the Beth Moore simulcast. She won't be live in Calgary, but she will be live somewhere! "so long insecurity" is the topic. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly apply to me?!?!?!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
stuff
Today was cray-Zee! My husband had a day long conference so I planned to go to the gym and then to my sil's for the afternoon. But by 9:35 this morning I was all out of sorts.
I really do it to myself. I stayed up way too late last night and then complained about getting up early this morning. Then getting 3 kids together with all their stuff in the van for the full day was quite an event. I tried to remember everything I needed. I did succeed in not forgetting anything.
I know I am running late, but I still need to get gas. The empty light has been on for quite a few kms. I head out to my regular station and all the pumps were turned off. Hmmm. Very odd. That's okay, I thought, I'll just go to the station by the gym. I got there and there wasn't a sign saying there was no gas today, so that was good. I pay at the pump and get started. The gas is not coming. All right. I'll try a different pump. As I pull the van around, I see the signs saying there is no gas today. I have no idea if my vehicle will even make it to the next station! I do make it to the petro canada just down the street. I'll have to forego the airmiles this time.
This is frustrating enough, but my children tell me they have to go pee. we are 5 mins from our house and in between gas stations when my son says the pee is starting to sneak out. I pull into a parking lot and make them pee in the snow. I get really annoyed because I figure that Alex is almost 4. He should be able to know his body and give at least some warning. But again, the rational me reminds myself that it is my fault because they sat in the van for about 15 mins before we even left the house as I was packing up. Screw rationality!
Finally, we made it to the gym. Everything was good. I leave the kids and head downstairs to sweat out my screams. As I am winding down, I see the lady from the front desk looking around. I catch her eye and she nods at me. I thought Karissa was freaking out (like last week.) No, this time it's Alex. Guess what he did? He peed his pants! Really!!! Can you believe it? He never pees his pants.
I had brought extra clothes for him because we were away from the house all day, but they were in the van. When I was talking with the day care worker, she said she had asked Alex if she could take him to the bathroom and he said no. Then, he proceeded to wet himself. I wasn't as mad as I had been earlier, but this did not help.
In the van, I have him change his clothes. He is in the process of getting his pants on and I notice that his new underwear are wet already. He is peeing his dry clothes as he is putting them on! He didn't even tell me that he needed to pee more! I send him to pee in the bush. Today, he went through all the clothes I had brought for him and we had to take a pair of pyjama pants from his cousin. Will this ever end?!?!?!
All of this to say that I am not that regulated. When something happens that I am not expecting, it can really throw me off my course. It's really something that I need to work on. After my surgery, getting really upset about things I cannot control will not be good for my health - both mental and physical. I need to find ways of dealing with changes in my plan that don't increase my stress. I also find once I have begun to wind up, it is really hard to let myself unwind. I get off on yelling and being angry and slamming doors.
Let's talk about surgery now. I haven't written much since I got back from Montreal. I was really worried about the assessments, but they seemed much more like a rubber stamp after they were over. And now, I have my date and I am planning for a life where I am much smaller and living such a more fulfilled life. I find myself saying "when I lose weight" and "as I get smaller" and just speaking with confidence that it will finally happen. I have never spoken with confidence about my weight going down. I have never really believed that I could do that with any finality. Now, it seems there is hope for me.
The research of the surgeon shows that his patients have lost 70 to 80% of their excess body weight after 5 years. For me, that's over 150 pounds! It is possible for me to weigh 150! I have never even dreamt that I could be smaller than 150. 150 is itself the number I pick when I choose a dream number. They way I talk about my weight after the surgery is to say, "I'd rather play in the 200's than the 300's." If I got down to 220, I would feel good. 200, would be great. 180 would be amazing. 150, is like a said, a dream. The last time I weighed 150 for any length of time was when I was 12. When I was 13, I weighed 180. I just can't imagine my life in that situation. I just pray that God would prepare me for what is to come.
I have 2 weeks and 2 days to go before I start my liquid fast. They do is for rapid weight loss before the surgery to lose as much fat from my liver as possible. It will be difficult, but I can do it. This has put pressure on me to eat all the different flavours before this date. It's not that I am trying to eat all that I can and stuff myself silly, but I am trying to eat what I don't think I will be eating afterwards. Like creamy pastas and even fast food. In 2 years, I'll be able to pretty much eat whatever I want. I am hoping that I want to eat well, that in this time I will wholeheartedly embrace a new life and a new way of eating and enthusiastically choose the food that is what my body needs rather than what my emotions want. And even if I choose to eat a bit of dessert, that I will have a bite and be done with it. In 2 years I want to smash this idol of food and see it for what it is - nourishment.
I really do it to myself. I stayed up way too late last night and then complained about getting up early this morning. Then getting 3 kids together with all their stuff in the van for the full day was quite an event. I tried to remember everything I needed. I did succeed in not forgetting anything.
I know I am running late, but I still need to get gas. The empty light has been on for quite a few kms. I head out to my regular station and all the pumps were turned off. Hmmm. Very odd. That's okay, I thought, I'll just go to the station by the gym. I got there and there wasn't a sign saying there was no gas today, so that was good. I pay at the pump and get started. The gas is not coming. All right. I'll try a different pump. As I pull the van around, I see the signs saying there is no gas today. I have no idea if my vehicle will even make it to the next station! I do make it to the petro canada just down the street. I'll have to forego the airmiles this time.
This is frustrating enough, but my children tell me they have to go pee. we are 5 mins from our house and in between gas stations when my son says the pee is starting to sneak out. I pull into a parking lot and make them pee in the snow. I get really annoyed because I figure that Alex is almost 4. He should be able to know his body and give at least some warning. But again, the rational me reminds myself that it is my fault because they sat in the van for about 15 mins before we even left the house as I was packing up. Screw rationality!
Finally, we made it to the gym. Everything was good. I leave the kids and head downstairs to sweat out my screams. As I am winding down, I see the lady from the front desk looking around. I catch her eye and she nods at me. I thought Karissa was freaking out (like last week.) No, this time it's Alex. Guess what he did? He peed his pants! Really!!! Can you believe it? He never pees his pants.
I had brought extra clothes for him because we were away from the house all day, but they were in the van. When I was talking with the day care worker, she said she had asked Alex if she could take him to the bathroom and he said no. Then, he proceeded to wet himself. I wasn't as mad as I had been earlier, but this did not help.
In the van, I have him change his clothes. He is in the process of getting his pants on and I notice that his new underwear are wet already. He is peeing his dry clothes as he is putting them on! He didn't even tell me that he needed to pee more! I send him to pee in the bush. Today, he went through all the clothes I had brought for him and we had to take a pair of pyjama pants from his cousin. Will this ever end?!?!?!
All of this to say that I am not that regulated. When something happens that I am not expecting, it can really throw me off my course. It's really something that I need to work on. After my surgery, getting really upset about things I cannot control will not be good for my health - both mental and physical. I need to find ways of dealing with changes in my plan that don't increase my stress. I also find once I have begun to wind up, it is really hard to let myself unwind. I get off on yelling and being angry and slamming doors.
Let's talk about surgery now. I haven't written much since I got back from Montreal. I was really worried about the assessments, but they seemed much more like a rubber stamp after they were over. And now, I have my date and I am planning for a life where I am much smaller and living such a more fulfilled life. I find myself saying "when I lose weight" and "as I get smaller" and just speaking with confidence that it will finally happen. I have never spoken with confidence about my weight going down. I have never really believed that I could do that with any finality. Now, it seems there is hope for me.
The research of the surgeon shows that his patients have lost 70 to 80% of their excess body weight after 5 years. For me, that's over 150 pounds! It is possible for me to weigh 150! I have never even dreamt that I could be smaller than 150. 150 is itself the number I pick when I choose a dream number. They way I talk about my weight after the surgery is to say, "I'd rather play in the 200's than the 300's." If I got down to 220, I would feel good. 200, would be great. 180 would be amazing. 150, is like a said, a dream. The last time I weighed 150 for any length of time was when I was 12. When I was 13, I weighed 180. I just can't imagine my life in that situation. I just pray that God would prepare me for what is to come.
I have 2 weeks and 2 days to go before I start my liquid fast. They do is for rapid weight loss before the surgery to lose as much fat from my liver as possible. It will be difficult, but I can do it. This has put pressure on me to eat all the different flavours before this date. It's not that I am trying to eat all that I can and stuff myself silly, but I am trying to eat what I don't think I will be eating afterwards. Like creamy pastas and even fast food. In 2 years, I'll be able to pretty much eat whatever I want. I am hoping that I want to eat well, that in this time I will wholeheartedly embrace a new life and a new way of eating and enthusiastically choose the food that is what my body needs rather than what my emotions want. And even if I choose to eat a bit of dessert, that I will have a bite and be done with it. In 2 years I want to smash this idol of food and see it for what it is - nourishment.
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