TMI alert... alert... alert...

This is something I don't share with anyone. My SIL knows but mainly from observation rather than direct conversation. My husband knows - but he's lived with me for almost 9 years. I have no idea if my parents ever knew. Or if anyone else could tell from what I was wearing.

For those of you who have been morbidly obese, this will probably not shock you. For the rest... cover your eyes.

So, I have basically worn a pad everyday of my life since I was in university. My bladder leaked all day every day. I remember wondering why I was wet in high school, how I could get everything out, but there would always be that little bit left. My pants would be damp and of course there would be an odour. I don't think I did anything about it then. I was too embarrassed to even buy pads at the time.

I was so embarrassed, I never mentioned it to my doctors. I was so embarrassed, that I have never really confessed it to anyone.

Thinking back, I started wearing pads because while the constant leaking was not nice, it was the stress incontinence from laughing or movement that was really embarrassing. I like to play games and when I would play I would usually laugh. Then I would be wet. I would think about how my pants would be able to hide the evidence. Usually I would try to be last to leave the area so no one would be able to see my behind. (even writing this now, 15-20 years later, is difficult.)

With a pad, I was usually safe even if I was laughing. Safe that is, except if it (I still can't bring myself to use the "u" word) squished up my bum. But it usually wasn't too bad. So for literally decades, I have worn a pad every day. Some days would be better than others, but when I would try to go without, I would discover that nothing had changed.

I'm not sure what weight I was - maybe somewhere around the 205 mark - I went without a pad. I remember reading about some women being cured of their stress incontinence and wondered if I had been cured of mine.

I chose a day that I didn't have to work. Because there is so much jarring, I didn't have that much faith I would be cured. That day I stayed dry. It was amazing to me. Finally I wouldn't have to have all those chemicals by my private parts all the time. So, since then, I haven't worn a pad on non-work days.

But here is the juicy part! Today was the second day I didn't wear a pad during work! Some of you know I am a letter carrier. On my route I have about 5000 stairs. I don't do them all everyday, but I probably would do 3-4000. I go fairly fast down these stairs and all the pressure from my belly would just push "it" out.

Except now, for 2 whole work days, my bladder has withstood all those G-forces! Today was a real test too. I really had to go! There aren't any pit stops, so unless I can't do anything but ask to use someone's washroom, I hold it. I made it through. Now, there was a little dampness, but that was probably more from sweat than anything else. Today, as I walked down the feminine protection isle at the grocery store, I thought to myself, "I don't need you anymore! Except for my REGULAR monthly cycle." That is extra money in my grocery budget! Yaaaayyy!

I hope I haven't scared you all off. But you know, I need to document this kind of stuff too!

ps. Since we have been talking about my nether region... I have lost weight there too. And now when I open my legs, my "lips" open too. This must happen to all women of "normal" size. Doesn't that bother you? I've been so fat, that they always stayed closed. Now when ever I stretch my legs out - like to get out of the car - I get a new, interesting sensation. Do you know about this kind of thing?

earbuds

So, I have had a couple of iPods over the years. The first one died on me. The 2nd one fell down a drain in the middle of winter. Because the snow was white and the iPod was white, I had little chance of seeing it. The latest one I have had for a surprisingly long time... about 3 years. I bought it with my airmiles. (It's a turquoise green colour.)

One thing I go through is earphones. I have never liked the earbuds that come with the iPods. They hurt my ear and never really stayed where they should. I never knew how everyone could use theirs because mine were so uncomfortable. Instead I would buy the over the ear kind so that they would hang on by themselves instead of having to "balance" in my ear.

My earphones only last a little while - less than a year for sure. Maybe more like 6 months. The wires would get bent or something. The sound would start to get scratchy then there would be no sound at all. This happened to me at work on Thursday. About half way through my route, I lost my connection.

I don't really want to buy a new set because I don't know where we would take the money from. Last week I spent $30 of my grocery money for a new sprinkler and hose. Our extras jar doesn't have a lot of extras either. It's not a need, but quite a big WANT.

A while ago, I had rounded up my unused earbuds from my ipods and tried to freecycle them. The guy never came to pick them up. They have been sitting on my kitchen counter for months as I thought about what to do with them. I didn't want to throw them out. I was probably going to refreecycle them, but hadn't gotten around to it yet.

So I pulled them out. I was pretty leery at first. Expecting the pressure and then pain of the earbud in my ear. I was waiting for them to keep falling out every time I moved my head. Surprise, surprise, they didn't!

As I was marvelling about this, it came to mind that I guess I had FAT EARS! My mom always told me I have small ears - as in they are less than 3 inches high, and that is what I attributed the bad-fitting earbuds to. Now I know the truth! Even my ears were fat. I guess it makes sense, but I still shake my head in wonder. huh! Who ever heard of fat ears?!?!?!?!?

"You're not fat anymore"

This caught me completely by surprise. While we were at the beach yesterday, my friend said this to me, "Well one thing we can say for sure is that you are not fat anymore."

It was like a spring was attached to my head as it spun around.

It's funny that she would say this now. It has been the last couple of weeks that I have felt *FAT* again. My loss has really slowed and the last few days I am up 2 lbs. My belly looks fuller and the skin seems to be not as wrinkled.

I have been on holidays 3 out of the last 4 weeks. So, I am not walking for 3 hours a day and my eating is worse because I am grazing. I have been making more cookies and muffins and that kind of stuff for the kids but also as gifts (since our money is so tight these days) and as I make them I also eat them.

Now, the work begins. The mental work of planning and making good choices. The physical work of planned and scheduled exercise.

To be honest I'm not looking forward to it. It just brings back a lot of memories of defeat and helplessness.

Maybe it doesn't have to be that way this time.