Welcome Back!

Hi. Long time no see.

Yeah. I know. There are a couple of things that have held me back from posting.
1) Blogger now requires me to login each time instead of remembering me. I know it's only a few seconds and a few keystrokes, but I tell you! It is sometimes the difference between checking in on my favourite blogs and surfing somewhere else!
2) It always seems to take forever to write whatever it is that I want to say. I just can't come in here and bang out a post in 10 minutes or less. Usually, it's closer to 30 or 45 minutes.

Yeah. I know. Suck it up, Buttercup!

So, what's been going on?

Weight wise, I have really slowed down on my loss. I'm now down 140. I have been here for about a month. My poor food choices and lack of exercise lately has really had an impact in this department. I've been eating a lot of sugar and bread. I made bread on the weekend - it was really, really, really good - and cookies too. Now I have an excuse to eat them. They are here.

I've also been eating a lot of popcorn. No. Not the healthy stuff.

And really, anything else that has a reputation for being fattening.

My self talk has started to include lines about using my ability to choose better things for myself. With my surgery, I learned that I can choose to eat healthy - or not eat at all. Lately, I haven't been taking that option.


My dad has been in the hospital since August 27. He went in with a heart infection that antibiotics couldn't get. Then he had open heart surgery and was battling the infection still after that. His breathing tube was taken out only a few days ago along with reducing the drugs that were keeping him sedated and paralyzed. He has gone through a lot, but he has an aweful lot more to do if he is going to recover and live a somewhat normal life. But he has made amazing progress. He has been seriously beating down heaven's door, but God has decided to keep it closed a while longer.

I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago. Hence the lack of exercise. (It is so nice to get paid to exercise and really leaves a void when I'm not working. I don't have a routine to follow and therefore, little exercise actually happens.) I could probably walk a bit this week, but I have a pretty plum assignment for the week, so I will walk next week.

We have still been working on living within our means. I'm not sure we are quite living below, but I do think we are living within them. Did I tell you about the massive hole we dug ourselves into??? Let's just say that our interest payments are $700 a month. We (as in Norm) are working on getting our house ready to sell. The market is aweful, but I believe that we at least need to get it ready and listed and then God will show us what will happen after that. He can definitely provide us a buyer that will pay the price we need. Or, he can not provide a buyer and we can continue to live here. Or, he cannot provide a buyer and we can rent out our house and rent somewhere else. I'm not too concerned about the house thing. Where I do get concerned is our day to day budget and covering expenses. We always seem to find extra bills that take up any extra money that we may have. Today, we got a bill for a speeding ticket that I asked Norm to negotiate on. He didn't and now instead of just the ticket, we now also have a late fee. sigh. I guess we are too poor to speed!

My son, who is almost 5, is starting to be creative. Just in the last month he has started to play with lego and building towers and birds and tunnels and whatever else he can manage. It is really nice to see. He has never shown this kind of interest and intensity in one thing before. Usually, he will play with something for a bit, then leave it for a long time. Now, he is going back and back and back to the same thing making it new each time. I love it! Maybe he will be ready for kindergarten next year. LOL.

Those are the main things going on. Thanks for reading!

Holy STRESS, Batman!

I tell you, it feels like we are in the spin cycle right now. We have hardly had a break since the end of march - just a chance to sit and relax guilt free! I think I should blog about some of this, so I can remember, and then I forget to blog.

At the beginning of April was Anada's birthday, Easter, we hosted Easter dinner for my extended family, my MIL was visiting, the beginning of the census where Norm and I both had an area to do in 21 days, Norm starting his new job driving almost 2 hours out of town most days because the guy who was training was having a road trip, I got a corneal ulcer in my left eye - couldn't drive for 2 days, Anada buckle fractured her wrist this week, my other 2 kids have colds and haven't gone to school, because of same colds, I can't take them to the gym either, the phone has been ringing constantly because of the census, we had a family retreat with our church last weekend (it was very nice, but it took almost 3 full days out of our schedule), I exploded and radioactive slime landed all over my family, I swore at my husband in the explosion, our van needs a new head gasket (it's 13 years old and will cost $2000), our second car has a radiator problem and has been overheating, the beater truck we have has been stalling, we have NO money to even really repair what we have let alone get something newer (our van is the newest vehicle we have.)

There have been a couple of good things too. I drove my husband's truck today. I have never been able to drive it because I didn't fit. Now there is room to spare. I am down to 215.2 this morning. That's 104.8lbs lost - but hey, let's just call it 105. I was running low on shirts so after my explosion, Norm let me out and I went shopping. I got a pair of pants for work ( did I mention I was going back to work on May 3rd?!?!?!) and found a couple of tops. Guess what size they were. Come on. Guess!! Oh alright. I'll tell you. One was a size 14. The other was an X - not a 1X but just X. I don't think I have been this small since I was in grade 8. At least that was the last time I remember wearing a size 14. (of course, I also think there has been size creeping going on. I think that this new size 14 would be bigger than the 14 of yesteryear.) The pants were a 1x. Amazing. The next time I buy clothes, I will no longer be able to buy them in a dedicated plus size store. I have been going over this in my brain for the last couple of days. I still don't quite believe it. Especially when I see my body. My body still has such a big belly and the skin still hangs and droops. When I look down, I can see more of my legs and my lap is almost completely uncovered, but it still sticks out in the seemingly same proportion that is used to. One of my kids commented that it looked like I had a baby in there. Oh well.

Some other NSV's I've had include wearing my wedding ring again. I had is sized smaller when I lost weight before and it now fits again. I can kneel on the floor and my bum can sit on my feet. Before, I could never do that because I had too much fat on the back of my legs. My calf and my hamstring part would meet and stop me from going down farther. I am able to wear my husband's jacket. I can go for a long walk with hills and not be winded. I am getting my legs lasered tomorrow for my 100lb celebration. People don't look at my face then drop their gaze down to my belly anymore. They just keep their eyes on me. People are starting to not recognize me anymore.

I find it really surprising, shocking, interesting that many people are telling me how good I am looking. And then I saw a picture of me on the weekend retreat. I can't believe how bad I still look. How fat I still am. How closed my posture is. How my hair cut looks terrible. Who's right? I would still qualify for the surgery at my current weight if I had co-morbidities (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc.) I would have qualified without any co-morbidities just about 10 lbs ago. I know I was fat, but on the inside I don't know if I really knew how fat. It wasn't until the 310 lb mark or so where I felt my weight socially and started to recoil and avoid people. All I can say it that I am definitely glad I had this surgery. It has really give me not only my life back, but a new life.

One thing it hasn't done for me is fix my eating problems. I am an emotional eater. During this month I have been eating a lot of junk. A lot of sugar. I have been searching out for my fixes. On my shopping night, all day and night I was thinking, "what can I eat? What can I eat? I need some sugar. I need some fat. What can I eat?" I ended up at Taco Bell/KFC and had a few bites of a chicken snacker sandwich and then about 3 bites of a bean burrito. It didn't taste all that good. I got full so fast that it was hard for the emotions to be soothed. I wanted to eat more, but knew I couldn't. I guess that's a good thing.

Then my plan was to go for a walk on Nose hill - a great piece of grassland in the city with amazing views. I was sitting there waiting to feel better. Waiting to see if the food would go down or need to come up. I didn't feel great emotionally or physically. I ended up walking anyway. It was good. God met me there. I was able to kneel and pray in the open seclusion. I prayed for the protection of my family from me. I prayed that He would heal me and heal the generational sins and demonic influences from the past. I prayed that my children could be free from the entanglements that I have unfortunately laid down for them.

I think He has answered that prayer. I am in a Beth Moore book called "Breaking Free" and the verses she has us looking at are in Isaiah. Let me get my Bible and I will write them out for you (and me.)
Isaiah 61: 1-4
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion --
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of prise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.

The part I bolded really caught my attention. That is exactly what I had prayed for. God told me that they - the poor, brokenhearted, the captives and those who are bound - will build and raise and repair the devastations of many generations. How incredible is that. Each time He does this, I am amazed by Him. He is so gracious to me. So generous. I will praise him.

I will leave with just one last positive note - tomorrow I'm going to the Beth Moore simulcast. She won't be live in Calgary, but she will be live somewhere! "so long insecurity" is the topic. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly apply to me?!?!?!

stuff

Today was cray-Zee! My husband had a day long conference so I planned to go to the gym and then to my sil's for the afternoon. But by 9:35 this morning I was all out of sorts.

I really do it to myself. I stayed up way too late last night and then complained about getting up early this morning. Then getting 3 kids together with all their stuff in the van for the full day was quite an event. I tried to remember everything I needed. I did succeed in not forgetting anything.

I know I am running late, but I still need to get gas. The empty light has been on for quite a few kms. I head out to my regular station and all the pumps were turned off. Hmmm. Very odd. That's okay, I thought, I'll just go to the station by the gym. I got there and there wasn't a sign saying there was no gas today, so that was good. I pay at the pump and get started. The gas is not coming. All right. I'll try a different pump. As I pull the van around, I see the signs saying there is no gas today. I have no idea if my vehicle will even make it to the next station! I do make it to the petro canada just down the street. I'll have to forego the airmiles this time.

This is frustrating enough, but my children tell me they have to go pee. we are 5 mins from our house and in between gas stations when my son says the pee is starting to sneak out. I pull into a parking lot and make them pee in the snow. I get really annoyed because I figure that Alex is almost 4. He should be able to know his body and give at least some warning. But again, the rational me reminds myself that it is my fault because they sat in the van for about 15 mins before we even left the house as I was packing up. Screw rationality!

Finally, we made it to the gym. Everything was good. I leave the kids and head downstairs to sweat out my screams. As I am winding down, I see the lady from the front desk looking around. I catch her eye and she nods at me. I thought Karissa was freaking out (like last week.) No, this time it's Alex. Guess what he did? He peed his pants! Really!!! Can you believe it? He never pees his pants.

I had brought extra clothes for him because we were away from the house all day, but they were in the van. When I was talking with the day care worker, she said she had asked Alex if she could take him to the bathroom and he said no. Then, he proceeded to wet himself. I wasn't as mad as I had been earlier, but this did not help.

In the van, I have him change his clothes. He is in the process of getting his pants on and I notice that his new underwear are wet already. He is peeing his dry clothes as he is putting them on! He didn't even tell me that he needed to pee more! I send him to pee in the bush. Today, he went through all the clothes I had brought for him and we had to take a pair of pyjama pants from his cousin. Will this ever end?!?!?!

All of this to say that I am not that regulated. When something happens that I am not expecting, it can really throw me off my course. It's really something that I need to work on. After my surgery, getting really upset about things I cannot control will not be good for my health - both mental and physical. I need to find ways of dealing with changes in my plan that don't increase my stress. I also find once I have begun to wind up, it is really hard to let myself unwind. I get off on yelling and being angry and slamming doors.

Let's talk about surgery now. I haven't written much since I got back from Montreal. I was really worried about the assessments, but they seemed much more like a rubber stamp after they were over. And now, I have my date and I am planning for a life where I am much smaller and living such a more fulfilled life. I find myself saying "when I lose weight" and "as I get smaller" and just speaking with confidence that it will finally happen. I have never spoken with confidence about my weight going down. I have never really believed that I could do that with any finality. Now, it seems there is hope for me.

The research of the surgeon shows that his patients have lost 70 to 80% of their excess body weight after 5 years. For me, that's over 150 pounds! It is possible for me to weigh 150! I have never even dreamt that I could be smaller than 150. 150 is itself the number I pick when I choose a dream number. They way I talk about my weight after the surgery is to say, "I'd rather play in the 200's than the 300's." If I got down to 220, I would feel good. 200, would be great. 180 would be amazing. 150, is like a said, a dream. The last time I weighed 150 for any length of time was when I was 12. When I was 13, I weighed 180. I just can't imagine my life in that situation. I just pray that God would prepare me for what is to come.

I have 2 weeks and 2 days to go before I start my liquid fast. They do is for rapid weight loss before the surgery to lose as much fat from my liver as possible. It will be difficult, but I can do it. This has put pressure on me to eat all the different flavours before this date. It's not that I am trying to eat all that I can and stuff myself silly, but I am trying to eat what I don't think I will be eating afterwards. Like creamy pastas and even fast food. In 2 years, I'll be able to pretty much eat whatever I want. I am hoping that I want to eat well, that in this time I will wholeheartedly embrace a new life and a new way of eating and enthusiastically choose the food that is what my body needs rather than what my emotions want. And even if I choose to eat a bit of dessert, that I will have a bite and be done with it. In 2 years I want to smash this idol of food and see it for what it is - nourishment.