New Pics

Sorry to scare you! That's pretty shocking. But since I have given up all other things on the computer, I have now posted my before surgery pictures. I call this one "before mean." It seems that a lot of before pictures are not pretty - I mean that I look angry - not just fat. I think it's because when I had my pictures before I felt so awful and I hated the way I looked and I would just grit my teeth and do it. I never hid from the camera, but I wouldn't really volunteer either.




Here is my happy side view. At least I didn't have a scowl! It's actually something I have noticed as I look at before and after pictures. The after pics are always much better. the people are smiling and happy and usually outside! Interesting.





So, I knew I was fat, but seeing these pictures, especially the mean one, is kind of scary. First of all, the shirt is UGLY! Finding clothes at the top end of the size chart is difficult. I found it really challenging because my boobs are/were a lot smaller than my belly. I would have to find shirts that were long enough to not show any skin, then they had to be big enough to go around my belly, but small enough to not show too much cleavage. This shirt was way too big on top. Every time I would bend over, everything would hang out.





So, let's go on to 3 months later.


I just had my 3 month surgiversary. I made it to 80 lbs down in 3 months and 2 days. When I compare the pictures, I can see a big difference. But I must admit that when I first saw this picture, I wasn't that impressed. I thought that I was still big. I suppose that is still the truth: I AM still big. I would still qualify for the surgery without any co-morbidities at this weight. I am also starting to run into skin issues. After 3 babies and being over 300 for a year has left my belly hanging. I am only 12 lbs away from my lowest adult weight. I was a size 18 then. I recently tried on size 18 pants. I can do them up - barely. They push all the fat on top of the waistband. It's not pleasant. They fit in the bum and legs. But, 12 lbs won't make that big a difference. It's the skin. I'm already thinking about starting research on plastic surgery options. I've heard a few going to Mexico and a couple to Costa Rica where their whole body can be reshaped for the cost of one surgery in Canada. Oh well. It's at least a couple of years away.

So I am feeling guilty. During this post, Norm came up asking me for info about booking a flight for his mom. I acted all, "Can't you do it?!?!?" Now, I need to go say sorry. I hate that! It's like I'm always going off the edge and he never does. At least he has always forgiven me so far.

I'm Lenting

I an observing lent this year. In the past, I would like the idea of sacrificing something to remind myself of the suffering of Christ, but I don't think I ever "really" did it. I have never been willing to suffer or sacrifice for anyone or anything.

So, this year has been quite a spiritual awakening for me. I am living my reversal of destiny where God has turned the tables that were set against me. He has called me out to study every day, work out regularly and to pray. I have started attending a prayer meeting at church each Wednesday. I also have to pray for people when we are talking to each other. Instead of saying, "I'll pray for you about that" and then walk away, I need to say, "Hey can I pray for you right now?"

My faith has always been real to me, but I have never lived it out loud. I have always been very quiet, partly because it is important. But now, I need to learn to be bold.

I was thinking about what I would give up for lent. I can't really give up food anymore. Although, I have found myself eating poorly lately. So I have given up sugary and junk foods like chips. Because those are rarely an issue now, I also needed to give up something else. The first thought was TV. I don't watch tonnes, but often Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights, I would watch 2 - 4 hours per night. I guess that is a lot! I figured because I didn't watch every night, and I don't watch at all in the day that it is a lot less than I could watch.

The other option was giving up my computer time. The computer is a place where I spend the time I don't spend watching tv. I wasn't really keen on giving up my computer since I depend on it so much for information and entertainment and communication. I am always looking up some tidbit or phone number or researching some topic. I haven't been on very much lately, but I also love the Bariatric TV forums (www.bariatrictv.com/forums). They are so great for fun and for help on the bariatric journey. And then of course, I couldn't give up my email or reading the blogs I follow.

It was pancake Tuesday. My brother and SIL came over with the kids for pancakes and I still wasn't sure what I was giving up. I didn't think the tv was enough, but the computer was too much.

I think it was Wednesday during my prayers that I realized it had to be both. I had to give up my shows - Intervention, Hoarders, Amazing Race, Biggest Loser, my crime dramas ( I can't remember the name and I can't look it up!) and also I had to give up my computer obsession. There are 2 caveats for the computer/internet: I can do my email once a day. I will sit down to check my mail and think, do I really want this to be my email time for the day?

Also, I am allowed to post blogs. This is my journal. It is good to write the thoughts going through my head. The sad part is, I am not allowed to read yours. I will miss your thoughts and happenings, but I believe God has called me to give this up for the next few weeks. Ok.
6 Weeks. I think of my loyal follower often. I am sad that I won't be able to comment on her blog. But I have and will continue to pray for her. Loyal follower, I can email if you send me your address!!!

It is important for me to develop these disciplines in my life. For 37 years, I have avoided any and all discipline. Discipline, and putting my goals and plans and God's plans and goals ahead of my whims and desires will be important in my long term success in all areas of my life. Holding myself to account is the only way I can make it. Others holding me accountable is very helpful and I need that. But holding myself accountable for the promises I make to God and myself is crucial. It has always been easy to lie to myself or just let what I wanted to do slide because it was too much work. That is how I got to 320 lbs and living my life like it was a boat adrift at sea, going where the currents took me. Now is the time to act with purpose and direction. Now is the time to go where I am called instead of letting myself meander and wonder why I never got anywhere. No longer.

It is definitely more work. I need to demand a lot of myself. But living my life the way God wants me to, is definitely worth the work. Am I willing to work to see the wonder?

YOU BET!

Blech!!!!

I feel awful right now and need to write about it. The food in my pouch won't come up, so the emotions have to.

I have slipped back into some old patterns of not thinking. Especially when it comes to food. Last week I ate some chips. They tasted good. They made me feel full without hurting. I ate 2 bags over 2 days. I didn't eat much of anything else though.

Today, I wanted to have more. I went to Norm's car and got 3 bags. As I was walking into the house, I was trying to stifle the thought, "this is not looking good. Are you going to binge?" I was embarrassed and didn't want my daughter to see me bring them in and I tried to hide them. I think I was successful, but sometimes she doesn't care about such things. She went downstairs, and in solitude I scarfed down probably about 3/4 of the bag. I was eating them very quickly so no one would catch me.

My husband came up to say good bye and I wondered if he would taste them when we kissed. He didn't mention it. I then opened a different flavour bag. I wanted the sweetness of them versus the salty taste of the first. I had a few. Again afraid I would be caught, I tried to stuff the bag behind the computer.

Then I felt gross. I went to the bathroom and tried to make room for the contents of my pouch to go down. It hurt. I was uncomfortable and wanted to throw up. I have always hated worshipping the porcelain gods, but since my surgery, it is often the best way to get relief. I just pray it will come up. This time, some liquid did, but no food. As we speak, it is still making it's way through my small stoma (opening from new pouch to intestine) with much gurgling. I still feel like some should come up, but based on past experience, don't think that any will.

My instinct is to drink. That doesn't work with this. Especially if the food expands. I've had it explained that my new pouch and stoma is like a funnel. If the funnel is stuck with food, water can't get through and just backs up making a bad situation worse.

What scares me about this episode is that it is the same old pattern I used to live by: "don't stop long enough to talk yourself out of it." Like I said, when I was bringing the chips into the house, I had that little voice that knew the truth and I chose to ignore it. The challenge now, is to accept that I made an error in judgement, learn from it and move on. So, what did I learn this time? I can have one or two chips if they are someone else's. I may not have a bag to myself. It leads to bad things! It takes time to undo 30+ years of binging and hiding and eating for emotional reasons. That's why I had to write it out. Thanks for letting me.

Other news...

I have been very busy with my new life. I can't remember if I wrote on my "reversal of destiny" epiphany. I believe God has reversed my destiny. He has allowed this surgery to be a hinge in my life where I have pivoted to a new path. On this new path is much wonder to be had. Much, much wonder. But the question Beth Moore asked me was if I was "willing to WORK to see the wonder?" I said yes.

I have always taken the easy way. I have given up when times have been hard. I have stopped a habit of discipline because of a simple schedule change. How many times have I started something, but never finished? Last year, I was studying my Bible during my lunch break at work. Then, my break time changed and that was then end of my study. A couple of years ago, I started working out at the gym putting the kids in the babysitting while I was there. My son got sick and I couldn't bring him to the childcare while he was sick, so I never went back. I even paid for 6 more months of babysitting before I finally cancelled it. Instead of rolling with the punches of life, I let them run me over.

So the last few weeks, I have been working. I have been doing my Bible study homework EVERY day. I have been working out at the gym 3 times a week. These are my 2 main disciplines. Both of them are crucial to the rest of my life. As I lose weight, and get to goal, exercise will make a bigger and bigger difference in my body and mind. (can you say "stress relief?") Bible study is essential for living a Christian life with meaning and purpose. I have lived many years without hardly cracking my Bible open. And I would wonder why I didn't feel alive spiritually. Duh! God's Word is alive and active. It is living and speaks to me and my spirit directly when I avail myself to it.

God is also calling me to pray. and to pray boldly. Instead of telling someone I will pray for them - even with good intentions - I need to pray for them at that time. I need to pray all the time for whatever is going on. Also, I need to pray for my family. To "stand in the gap" as it were. This one I am not that sure about. I don't really know how to pray for all that I need to pray for. And to be honest, I kind of get bored going on about the same thing over and over. I hope I can learn.

Update: It has been over 2.5 hours since I ate all that crap. Just so you know, I am still feeling it!

If you're still reading thanks. You're the best!

Bucking up

Finally an update. It has been pretty busy in my life lately.

Almost a week ago, was my 2 month surgiversary. As I've said before, it hasn't been easy, but some of the things that were hard are getting easier. Things like it no longer feels like I have splinters of wood poking out of my stomach every time I eat. Also, I am better able to read my body signals for fullness and sickness. When it comes to fullness, I have noticed that even though I think I'm full, I will still take another bite or 2 just to test it out. "Maybe I'm not really full." says the old brain. Learning to stop is a challenge. But also, sometimes I do need to push through the first part of the meal before my pouch accepts the last part. It's almost as if my pouch has a closed sign on it and won't switch it to open until it has been shown that what's going down isn't so bad.

I haven't been sick for quite a while. I threw up the other day after drinking fairly fast in order to get a vitamin unstuck from my throat. It was stuck for a couple of days. The throwing up actually helped, so I didn't mind. But other than that, it's probably been a few weeks. I can't remember exactly. Tonight I felt a bit nauseous after eating a cup of cream of chicken soup. It was quite good, but I think there were too many carbs for me to eat at once.

Speaking of soup... This is currently my favourite meal. It is warm, and soft and it goes down so nicely! I made a cream of broccoli soup from scratch last week and it was amazing. It is thickened with a bit of flour, but there are grated carrots in it, so they help to thicken it too. Also, the carrots look like cheese, so your brain is fooled into thinking you are eating cheese, when you aren't! The recipe is at www.eatingwelllivingthin.wordpress.com I am new to her blog, but I will definitely have to spend more time there as she has some really great meals.

The other reason I'm fond of soup is that it is more like drinking than eating and I don't feel like eating. I've been trying quite a few new recipes lately, and very few of them actually appeal to me. I will have my 1 inch square, but then not want to eat it again. (not good for dealing with leftovers.) I feel my jaw clenching shut as if to say, I will not eat. You can't make me! I've been told that the hunger does come back and to enjoy this time of not wanting to eat, but... It feels so odd to not want to eat. To almost be repulsed by food. I've always been repulsed by me when it comes to food, not the food itself! Repulsed by what I ate, or how much I ate or how fast or where I ate, or where I got the food from (ie. the garbage) or how I felt after I ate. I would never look at the food and think, I can't even imagine putting you in my mouth.

In addition, my calorie consumption is still pretty low. I figure I eat somewhere between 400 to 600 calories a day depending on how many peanuts I have. (1/3 cup of the honey roasted ones I have are 300 calories. So, if I have a full serving or a bit more, then my count will be higher.) 200 calories come from my protein drinks.

So let's talk about someone else's eating problems.

My son is refusing to eat almost anything that is put before him as a meal. He is 4 and whatever the food is, he says he doesn't like it. I have never forced my kids to finish their plate or eat what they truly don't like (but I don't make separate food for them either), but I do make them take one bite of whatever it is they have been served. Alex will fight this, but tonight he did it because I told him he couldn't leave the table until he finished his bites. I am also considering cutting out his mid morning and afternoon snacks so that he will be very hungry at meal time. He lives for his snacks right now. They aren't the worst snacks he could be having, but they are not veggies! His favourite is pudding, closely followed by anything else with sugar. I'll have to buck up and really work on a plan for him. Right now it's just a lot easier to let him have what he wants. I really hope this is a phase!!!

I've also been busy going to the gym! YAY! We (Norm and I) signed up in October and I hadn't been since October. We decided to start going while Alex is in school. It's been good. I have been 4 times. I already feel more fit and stronger. I haven't been that sore, but a little just to remind me of what I'm working on. It's not a pretty gym, but the other patrons seems really neat. It's like a little family of people who talk and chat as they work out. A bunch of regulars. I hope to be a regular too.

I'm doing a Bible study by Beth Moore on the book of Esther. It's pretty good. Back in November I missed a couple of sessions - Anada's surgery and my surgery - and I just viewed the lessons last week. The phrase she used was, "Are you willing to work to see the wonder?" This is now my life statement/question. I want a lot of wonder in my life, but I have often not been willing to put in the work. I want a transformed life, a transformed mind, a transformed body. I want it all yesterday. There are many times when I have been inspired and started a transforming work, but I didn't follow through. After the inspiration was gone and I needed perspiration, I was outta there. For me that is the meaning of work. It is approaching God with my time and energy without knowing the outcome. It is allowing Him to do what He wants with, in and through me. But that can't happen if I don't show up. This has been happening in a couple of ways. I have been doing a study every day for the last week. (I missed one day.) I have committed to doing a study every day. (I'll need to find another one to work on for when I am caught up on my homework!) I have also started a devotional. A time where I can meet God personally and I have chosen to read a Psalm and a Proverb during this time and pray through them. God's word is alive and active. Working out is part of this work too. God has given me the opportunity to transform my body and my health. I need to work on the habits that will get me there and keep me there. When I first started working as a letter carrier, I was 275 lbs. But even then, I discovered that God made our bodies to move. Less than a century ago, most of the work people did included moving. Now, we sit for a living. It's sad.

I love God's providence. If I had watched those videos at the time they were scheduled, I don't think I would have come to the same understanding I have just recently. They would have been interesting and something would have stood out, but I really see how I needed the messages now rather than in November. I have a new perspective on my life. Some Christians have a dividing line in their life: before Christ and after Christ. I don't. I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. But, I now have a different dividing line: before surgery and after surgery. Surgery being the pivot point where God reversed my destiny.

Thanks for hanging in there! It was a long one today. Lots to spout off.

new photo

I just need to tell you that my 4 yr old took this picture. I think he did a pretty good job - if you ignore the partial finger! It's actually a much better picture than I took on my own!

yippee!

Today is my 8 week birthday. I am down 57 pounds. That's not bad.

I have had a couple of Non-Scale Victories (NSV) in the last few days.

My mom gave me a size 22 pair of jeans that I had given her. I tried them on. And I could wear them! Now let me tell you that after 3 children, my body is not the same! Even if I am at the same weight, my body has put things in different places. I tend to store a lot of fat in my belly and since having kids, it seems to collect there even more. It was funny, because I could do up the button without any struggle, but to complete the zipper job, I had to lay down. I would have worn them out, but they are Capri's! And we all know that you can't wear Capri's in the winter. DUH!

The 2nd neat thing I have noticed is when I get in the van. I pile everyone in first, do up seat belts and then finally get in myself. As I get in, I look at the seat and think, "Oh, I don't think I will fit there. It looks too close to the steering wheel." I go anyway and then I fit! Yay! My belly doesn't even touch the steering wheel. It will be odd as I go forward and have increasing more room. This also relates to one of the reasons for me having surgery. Increasingly I wasn't fitting into standard situations - booths, clothes of the rack, vehicles, amusement park rides and my husband's very old truck. It was built for a man who has long legs and can reach the pedals without a problem. I have short, itty-bitty legs. I couldn't drive his truck because I couldn't get the seat close enough without my belly crashing into the wheel. Now, not that I really want to drive his truck, but it is nice to have the flexibility once in a while! I haven't tested it, but I figure I have another 30 or 40 pounds to go before I could really fit.

So, I have started my meds. I think it's a good idea for right now. I have spent the last few days very unmotivated and my house is paying for it.

so, what else?

I think Norm and I will start working out together in the mornings while Alex is at school. That should be good.

When will I remember to chew my food? I still forget and remember when it's already down the pipe and then promptly forget as I do the same thing with the next bite. CRAZY!

flip flop

So I filled the prescription for my depression meds. They are currently sitting on my counter where they have been for the past number of days. I just am not sure I want to start taking them. I'm back to where we started.

I feel better. The fog has started to lift. My motivation seems okay. I have started my cross stitching again. Currently, the only symptom is I still have a hard time getting up in the morning. That and I spend a huge amount of time in front of the computer.

Once I start, I think it will be hard to stop. That means a long time on meds. I really hate that idea. But, as I told someone else, "You know what you need to do." I should follow my own advice.

Here goes!