oh, crap!

Well, there is a lot to catch up on. But to be honest, the main reason I am writing is to try and work out why I just ate an entire can of creamed corn.

The can is 398mLs. I thought my pouch was no where near that big. I am only eating 1/2 cup per meal and now I just ate almost 2 cups without a problem. At the beginning, I was chewing thoroughly, but the corn went down so well that I would only chew once or twice. Right now, I am sick in the head and heart because of what I just did, but I don't feel sick to my stomach.

As you may know, my life has been full of stressful events. God has miraculously carried me through it. My mood has been really good and I haven't felt uptight or pressure on me as I have gone through November. Normally I crack at the smallest increase in stress.

Tonight, as I put the kids to bed after being with them for most of the day, I wasn't upset or angry, just tired and ready for some quiet time to myself. My almost 4 yr old son is constantly talking and asking questions and the constancy of it gets to me at times. So, as Alex proceeded to get up and not stay in bed, and as my daughter kept yelling to me while I was on the phone, I felt my energy draining.

After I knew that Alex would stay in bed for good, I went into the kitchen thinking that it was time to start drinking again. I didn't want any water. I wanted something sweet. Oh, okay. I can have some crystal light water. That would work. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the can of corn. I really like cream corn. It is sweet and smooth and yet it is still technically food, so not as bad for me. As I opened the can, I told myself that it would be my evening snack. It doesn't have much protein, but that would be fine this time.

I didn't dish myself out a portion. I just took the can to the computer and ate. I noticed in the can when I had eaten about 1/2 cup. "Wow. That went fast. I'm already done 1/2 cup!" And then I kept going. When my son called me again, before I went to his room, I took a couple of extra bites for the road. Then i returned and finished the can.

I am not impressed.

So, is my stomach that big now or did the cream squish out fast so I could fit it all in? I just invested so much into this surgery and this is how I am? What is going to happen in the future? I'm already bummed because I haven't lost any weight for 3 or 4 days. I really don't get it. How can I hardly eat, and my body still not give anything up?? I am so ticked about that. Everyone always says, "calories in, calories out" but right now, I don't buy it.

I will need to post more regularly, so I can use this as my journal. I need to work this stuff out before I get to the can of corn. The problem is that I know what I need to do, but don't usually do it. I hate living intentionally.