Hi. Long time no update. Well I'll try to catch you up.
I'm 6 months 10 days out from surgery. I weighed 201.6 lbs this morning. I can't believe I will be under 200 very soon. Probably for the first time since I was 13 years old. In terms of weight, when I was 12, I weighed 150. By the time I turned 13, I was 180. Between then and grade 12, I don't really know the progression. I just know that I ended high school at around 220. I wore a size 18 dress to my graduation. You know how it is when we look back. Now I think that a size 18 wasn't that bad. At the time I thought I was so big and I hated having to buy my grad dress in a fat lady store. 20 years ago, there weren't that many fat kids, so the fat stores didn't have a lot of hip clothes!
Currently, I'm wearing a plus sized 16 pants. I have discovered that plus sized clothes are bigger than regular sized. I bought some Tabi shorts at Value Village in size 16, but I need to lose about 3 more inches on my waist before I can do them up. For my top, I think I am firmly in a regular sized XL. That's the size on the shirt at my 6 month photo.
Food wise, I am definitely craving more sugar foods. Part of that could be that I am eating more sugar foods and awakening the "carb monster." I am able to eat more and especially with my activity level now, I need to eat more. My trouble is that I haven't been planning and preparing for this new hunger and need for good tasting food. Up until now, I have been able to manage quite well with little bits here and there making food mainly for the kids. My son is at a particularly picky point in his eating habits. He will eat most foods if we make him - "you can't leave the table until you finish that much." You can't have dessert until you eat your vegetables." Then he will force it down. He has come to rely on snacks to fill him up. That is not good.
Anyway, so I have tried to make food for me - soupy, saucy, stewy - kinds of one pot meals, but have gotten a lot of negative feed back. And also, getting back into the swings with work, I haven't had the time or energy to cook. Maybe now is the time to start again so I can get some nutritious, good tasting food that will be easy on my pouch.
Norm is in the full swing of his new job now. He is gone 5 or 6 afternoon/evenings a week, plus all day on Monday and Thursday plus he is going on weekend road trips - this weekend he is in Lethbridge. Two weekends ago, he was in Medicine Hat. Learning to hold down the fort all alone has been tricky. It is getting better, but it's still not fun. The real downside is that I feel I have lost the connection with Norm. He is so involved in what he is doing that I feel like he doesn't care about my world. He doesn't ask me what's going on. (And if he asks, he accepts "fine" or "okay" instead of teasing what's really going on.) I know that he does care. I know that he loves me to no end. For me, the connection comes with time together. How do you keep the connection when you never see the other person? If he is making money that would at least give us a benefit of him being away, but so far, he hasn't been making very much. Then, there is the other end, where all the money in the world can't fix a broken marriage. We are definitely no where near broken, but I must admit that I am pretty needy and the way it is now definitely isn't the way it can be for very long.
Today, my daughter asked me to read from the Bible. She wanted the last story in Revelation. It was really neat to read. A couple of verses stuck out to me: 22:17, "The Spirit and the Bride say, 'Come.' And let the one who hears say, ' Come.' And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price." The Holy Spirit and Jesus are calling out to everyone to come. The followers of God are also calling out for everyone to come. The gift is the water of life. It is priceless. Not even Mastercard can cover this one. But it is free. It is a gift. It is for all who desire. It is for all who are thirsty. And I need to be calling out to everyone, "Come!"
I also like verse 20 where Jesus says, " 'Surely I am coming soon.' Amen. Come Lord Jesus!" In my daily living, I forget this. Unfortunately, it doesn't break through into my consciousness as I go about my business. But it is so exciting to think that Jesus is coming soon! I may see it or I may not live to see Jesus return to the earth in power, but He is still coming soon!
The last couple of days I have been thinking about heaven and hell. At the news of Gary Coleman dying, my first thought was, "that is good." I meant that he was living a tortured life. His life was full of problems and they were displayed for the whole world to see. He was mocked and shamed and put on display for our entertainment. I thought his death would at least put an end to the pain. But then I wondered if that put him in hell, is that really any better than a tortured life? My assumption is that he didn't know Jesus the Saviour. So, under that assumption, he would go to hell to begin his eternal torment. My guess is that wouldn't be very peaceful either. So I am at a loss. Should I be grateful that his pain on earth is over or lament because he didn't live long enough to put his faith in Jesus? This one will need more prayer and study.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
6 month pictures
So, my hubby took these this morning. I find them a bit shocking. Especially the front view.
I don't have time to write anything now, but I will hopefully come back later tonight.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I'm...
OKAY!
I have been back to work for almost 2 weeks now. It has been alright. Physically, which is always the biggest concern as a letter carrier, I have been fine. I am a bit sore, but I can bend over and move and do what I need to do. My route is taking the time that is normal - ie. I'm not taking forever to finish delivering all my mail. I'm still a bit on the slow side for the inside sorting, but I am coming to terms with that. I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be fast and get done quickly. Then I would be disappointed when I would never finish as quickly as I would like. So, now I am just trying to pace myself and take my time.
I also have a new attitude about my work. As I used to scramble to get things done, I would feel out of control. I would be huffing and puffing, arms flailing about. This week I have been telling myself that I am a professional. I don't need to run around like a chicken without it's head. I can walk at a good pace and take my time and I will finish a little later than others, but that is okay. I am a professional letter carrier. I am good at my job. I like my job. I still go across some lawns, but mainly I take the sidewalk. I don't mind. A professional does the job properly and doesn't try to cut corners.
Also, I am taking my time in order to take my time away from the house! When working before, I always felt so much pressure to hurry up and get home. Now, I want to enjoy my time away and let myself relax while at work so that I can go home somewhat refreshed too. Norm is home with the kids in the days. He is really understanding about this. Especially since he is gone all evening too.
Speaking of being gone, he has made a couple of sales. He is selling a health benefits package to families in their home. It has been hard, as all sales are, but he is a trooper. He just keeps at it and doing what he can. It's been an adjustment for all of us. We hardly see him anymore, it seems. Anada misses out the most because she just sees him in the morning before school and the occasional late afternoon when he is home.
There is so much more to say, but so I can go to bed, I think I will end it here.
Good night!
I have been back to work for almost 2 weeks now. It has been alright. Physically, which is always the biggest concern as a letter carrier, I have been fine. I am a bit sore, but I can bend over and move and do what I need to do. My route is taking the time that is normal - ie. I'm not taking forever to finish delivering all my mail. I'm still a bit on the slow side for the inside sorting, but I am coming to terms with that. I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be fast and get done quickly. Then I would be disappointed when I would never finish as quickly as I would like. So, now I am just trying to pace myself and take my time.
I also have a new attitude about my work. As I used to scramble to get things done, I would feel out of control. I would be huffing and puffing, arms flailing about. This week I have been telling myself that I am a professional. I don't need to run around like a chicken without it's head. I can walk at a good pace and take my time and I will finish a little later than others, but that is okay. I am a professional letter carrier. I am good at my job. I like my job. I still go across some lawns, but mainly I take the sidewalk. I don't mind. A professional does the job properly and doesn't try to cut corners.
Also, I am taking my time in order to take my time away from the house! When working before, I always felt so much pressure to hurry up and get home. Now, I want to enjoy my time away and let myself relax while at work so that I can go home somewhat refreshed too. Norm is home with the kids in the days. He is really understanding about this. Especially since he is gone all evening too.
Speaking of being gone, he has made a couple of sales. He is selling a health benefits package to families in their home. It has been hard, as all sales are, but he is a trooper. He just keeps at it and doing what he can. It's been an adjustment for all of us. We hardly see him anymore, it seems. Anada misses out the most because she just sees him in the morning before school and the occasional late afternoon when he is home.
There is so much more to say, but so I can go to bed, I think I will end it here.
Good night!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Holy STRESS, Batman!
I tell you, it feels like we are in the spin cycle right now. We have hardly had a break since the end of march - just a chance to sit and relax guilt free! I think I should blog about some of this, so I can remember, and then I forget to blog.
At the beginning of April was Anada's birthday, Easter, we hosted Easter dinner for my extended family, my MIL was visiting, the beginning of the census where Norm and I both had an area to do in 21 days, Norm starting his new job driving almost 2 hours out of town most days because the guy who was training was having a road trip, I got a corneal ulcer in my left eye - couldn't drive for 2 days, Anada buckle fractured her wrist this week, my other 2 kids have colds and haven't gone to school, because of same colds, I can't take them to the gym either, the phone has been ringing constantly because of the census, we had a family retreat with our church last weekend (it was very nice, but it took almost 3 full days out of our schedule), I exploded and radioactive slime landed all over my family, I swore at my husband in the explosion, our van needs a new head gasket (it's 13 years old and will cost $2000), our second car has a radiator problem and has been overheating, the beater truck we have has been stalling, we have NO money to even really repair what we have let alone get something newer (our van is the newest vehicle we have.)
There have been a couple of good things too. I drove my husband's truck today. I have never been able to drive it because I didn't fit. Now there is room to spare. I am down to 215.2 this morning. That's 104.8lbs lost - but hey, let's just call it 105. I was running low on shirts so after my explosion, Norm let me out and I went shopping. I got a pair of pants for work ( did I mention I was going back to work on May 3rd?!?!?!) and found a couple of tops. Guess what size they were. Come on. Guess!! Oh alright. I'll tell you. One was a size 14. The other was an X - not a 1X but just X. I don't think I have been this small since I was in grade 8. At least that was the last time I remember wearing a size 14. (of course, I also think there has been size creeping going on. I think that this new size 14 would be bigger than the 14 of yesteryear.) The pants were a 1x. Amazing. The next time I buy clothes, I will no longer be able to buy them in a dedicated plus size store. I have been going over this in my brain for the last couple of days. I still don't quite believe it. Especially when I see my body. My body still has such a big belly and the skin still hangs and droops. When I look down, I can see more of my legs and my lap is almost completely uncovered, but it still sticks out in the seemingly same proportion that is used to. One of my kids commented that it looked like I had a baby in there. Oh well.
Some other NSV's I've had include wearing my wedding ring again. I had is sized smaller when I lost weight before and it now fits again. I can kneel on the floor and my bum can sit on my feet. Before, I could never do that because I had too much fat on the back of my legs. My calf and my hamstring part would meet and stop me from going down farther. I am able to wear my husband's jacket. I can go for a long walk with hills and not be winded. I am getting my legs lasered tomorrow for my 100lb celebration. People don't look at my face then drop their gaze down to my belly anymore. They just keep their eyes on me. People are starting to not recognize me anymore.
I find it really surprising, shocking, interesting that many people are telling me how good I am looking. And then I saw a picture of me on the weekend retreat. I can't believe how bad I still look. How fat I still am. How closed my posture is. How my hair cut looks terrible. Who's right? I would still qualify for the surgery at my current weight if I had co-morbidities (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc.) I would have qualified without any co-morbidities just about 10 lbs ago. I know I was fat, but on the inside I don't know if I really knew how fat. It wasn't until the 310 lb mark or so where I felt my weight socially and started to recoil and avoid people. All I can say it that I am definitely glad I had this surgery. It has really give me not only my life back, but a new life.
One thing it hasn't done for me is fix my eating problems. I am an emotional eater. During this month I have been eating a lot of junk. A lot of sugar. I have been searching out for my fixes. On my shopping night, all day and night I was thinking, "what can I eat? What can I eat? I need some sugar. I need some fat. What can I eat?" I ended up at Taco Bell/KFC and had a few bites of a chicken snacker sandwich and then about 3 bites of a bean burrito. It didn't taste all that good. I got full so fast that it was hard for the emotions to be soothed. I wanted to eat more, but knew I couldn't. I guess that's a good thing.
Then my plan was to go for a walk on Nose hill - a great piece of grassland in the city with amazing views. I was sitting there waiting to feel better. Waiting to see if the food would go down or need to come up. I didn't feel great emotionally or physically. I ended up walking anyway. It was good. God met me there. I was able to kneel and pray in the open seclusion. I prayed for the protection of my family from me. I prayed that He would heal me and heal the generational sins and demonic influences from the past. I prayed that my children could be free from the entanglements that I have unfortunately laid down for them.
I think He has answered that prayer. I am in a Beth Moore book called "Breaking Free" and the verses she has us looking at are in Isaiah. Let me get my Bible and I will write them out for you (and me.)
Isaiah 61: 1-4
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion --
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of prise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.
The part I bolded really caught my attention. That is exactly what I had prayed for. God told me that they - the poor, brokenhearted, the captives and those who are bound - will build and raise and repair the devastations of many generations. How incredible is that. Each time He does this, I am amazed by Him. He is so gracious to me. So generous. I will praise him.
I will leave with just one last positive note - tomorrow I'm going to the Beth Moore simulcast. She won't be live in Calgary, but she will be live somewhere! "so long insecurity" is the topic. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly apply to me?!?!?!
At the beginning of April was Anada's birthday, Easter, we hosted Easter dinner for my extended family, my MIL was visiting, the beginning of the census where Norm and I both had an area to do in 21 days, Norm starting his new job driving almost 2 hours out of town most days because the guy who was training was having a road trip, I got a corneal ulcer in my left eye - couldn't drive for 2 days, Anada buckle fractured her wrist this week, my other 2 kids have colds and haven't gone to school, because of same colds, I can't take them to the gym either, the phone has been ringing constantly because of the census, we had a family retreat with our church last weekend (it was very nice, but it took almost 3 full days out of our schedule), I exploded and radioactive slime landed all over my family, I swore at my husband in the explosion, our van needs a new head gasket (it's 13 years old and will cost $2000), our second car has a radiator problem and has been overheating, the beater truck we have has been stalling, we have NO money to even really repair what we have let alone get something newer (our van is the newest vehicle we have.)
There have been a couple of good things too. I drove my husband's truck today. I have never been able to drive it because I didn't fit. Now there is room to spare. I am down to 215.2 this morning. That's 104.8lbs lost - but hey, let's just call it 105. I was running low on shirts so after my explosion, Norm let me out and I went shopping. I got a pair of pants for work ( did I mention I was going back to work on May 3rd?!?!?!) and found a couple of tops. Guess what size they were. Come on. Guess!! Oh alright. I'll tell you. One was a size 14. The other was an X - not a 1X but just X. I don't think I have been this small since I was in grade 8. At least that was the last time I remember wearing a size 14. (of course, I also think there has been size creeping going on. I think that this new size 14 would be bigger than the 14 of yesteryear.) The pants were a 1x. Amazing. The next time I buy clothes, I will no longer be able to buy them in a dedicated plus size store. I have been going over this in my brain for the last couple of days. I still don't quite believe it. Especially when I see my body. My body still has such a big belly and the skin still hangs and droops. When I look down, I can see more of my legs and my lap is almost completely uncovered, but it still sticks out in the seemingly same proportion that is used to. One of my kids commented that it looked like I had a baby in there. Oh well.
Some other NSV's I've had include wearing my wedding ring again. I had is sized smaller when I lost weight before and it now fits again. I can kneel on the floor and my bum can sit on my feet. Before, I could never do that because I had too much fat on the back of my legs. My calf and my hamstring part would meet and stop me from going down farther. I am able to wear my husband's jacket. I can go for a long walk with hills and not be winded. I am getting my legs lasered tomorrow for my 100lb celebration. People don't look at my face then drop their gaze down to my belly anymore. They just keep their eyes on me. People are starting to not recognize me anymore.
I find it really surprising, shocking, interesting that many people are telling me how good I am looking. And then I saw a picture of me on the weekend retreat. I can't believe how bad I still look. How fat I still am. How closed my posture is. How my hair cut looks terrible. Who's right? I would still qualify for the surgery at my current weight if I had co-morbidities (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc.) I would have qualified without any co-morbidities just about 10 lbs ago. I know I was fat, but on the inside I don't know if I really knew how fat. It wasn't until the 310 lb mark or so where I felt my weight socially and started to recoil and avoid people. All I can say it that I am definitely glad I had this surgery. It has really give me not only my life back, but a new life.
One thing it hasn't done for me is fix my eating problems. I am an emotional eater. During this month I have been eating a lot of junk. A lot of sugar. I have been searching out for my fixes. On my shopping night, all day and night I was thinking, "what can I eat? What can I eat? I need some sugar. I need some fat. What can I eat?" I ended up at Taco Bell/KFC and had a few bites of a chicken snacker sandwich and then about 3 bites of a bean burrito. It didn't taste all that good. I got full so fast that it was hard for the emotions to be soothed. I wanted to eat more, but knew I couldn't. I guess that's a good thing.
Then my plan was to go for a walk on Nose hill - a great piece of grassland in the city with amazing views. I was sitting there waiting to feel better. Waiting to see if the food would go down or need to come up. I didn't feel great emotionally or physically. I ended up walking anyway. It was good. God met me there. I was able to kneel and pray in the open seclusion. I prayed for the protection of my family from me. I prayed that He would heal me and heal the generational sins and demonic influences from the past. I prayed that my children could be free from the entanglements that I have unfortunately laid down for them.
I think He has answered that prayer. I am in a Beth Moore book called "Breaking Free" and the verses she has us looking at are in Isaiah. Let me get my Bible and I will write them out for you (and me.)
Isaiah 61: 1-4
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favour and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion --
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of prise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.
The part I bolded really caught my attention. That is exactly what I had prayed for. God told me that they - the poor, brokenhearted, the captives and those who are bound - will build and raise and repair the devastations of many generations. How incredible is that. Each time He does this, I am amazed by Him. He is so gracious to me. So generous. I will praise him.
I will leave with just one last positive note - tomorrow I'm going to the Beth Moore simulcast. She won't be live in Calgary, but she will be live somewhere! "so long insecurity" is the topic. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly apply to me?!?!?!
Friday, April 9, 2010
documentation
Well, I suppose I should update before I forget.
I hit 100 lbs lost yesterday. Of course, I'm back at 99 today. But let's try to be positive.
100. That's kind of a big number. I would have never imagined it possible. I have thought that even as I lose more weight, then if I start to gain again, I probably won't be higher than where I am now.
Yet even as I celebrate this milestone, I am thinking about the hard work ahead of me. I have not been eating well. I have not been planning my food or eating "real" food. I have had the mindset that as long as I get my protein from drinking, then I can eat whatever I want. When I originally came up with that idea, it was all good because I wanted to eat more veggies and salads. Now, I am instead eating easter eggs and desserts. I don't eat enough sugar to make me sick, but I don't feel well. Then I don't want to even drink my protein. So not only am I not eating the veggies and salads, but I am not even getting my protein.
I'm not done with this topic yet, but I must go make some sleeping beauties for my daughter's sleep over.
I hit 100 lbs lost yesterday. Of course, I'm back at 99 today. But let's try to be positive.
100. That's kind of a big number. I would have never imagined it possible. I have thought that even as I lose more weight, then if I start to gain again, I probably won't be higher than where I am now.
Yet even as I celebrate this milestone, I am thinking about the hard work ahead of me. I have not been eating well. I have not been planning my food or eating "real" food. I have had the mindset that as long as I get my protein from drinking, then I can eat whatever I want. When I originally came up with that idea, it was all good because I wanted to eat more veggies and salads. Now, I am instead eating easter eggs and desserts. I don't eat enough sugar to make me sick, but I don't feel well. Then I don't want to even drink my protein. So not only am I not eating the veggies and salads, but I am not even getting my protein.
I'm not done with this topic yet, but I must go make some sleeping beauties for my daughter's sleep over.
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