I just had to post these pictures again. I posted them a long time ago. (sorry, I'm not going to find it for you. It will be right here anyway!) But I was looking for it to submit to http://www.bariatrictv.com/

It honestly shocked and saddened me. There is big burden in my heart for her. I don't recognize her anymore. It's only been a year.

I had to wear clothes that I could find that fit. I didn't have the budget (even then) to buy new clothes or order online. I bought what I could find at the consignment store. That particular shirt didn't fit me that well. My boobs were too small, but it fit around my belly. At the time I didn't think it looked that bad. I did the best I could. No wonder people say I am a fashion maven now.

I am going to have to post this pic up somewhere where I can see it everyday. I need to remember what I did to my mind, my body and my spirit. I didn't know I had a choice. I didn't know that the voices in my head could be silenced or ignored. Now I know they can.

finally!

Yesterday after church we finally took my 1 year photos. It was more like 1 year and 2.5 weeks since my surgery, but that's ok. These days the couple of weeks don't make much of a difference.

The first picture is kind of a funny face, but at least it's expressive. The side view is a little disturbing with my hair all crazy. But since I've lost more than half my hair, it does hold curl a lot better. In my previous life, there was no way I could throw in a few curls with my curling iron and have them stay for hours. It's kind of nice that way.

Who woulda thunk that a year and 2.5 weeks could make such a difference. I'm still astounded.

I'm starting to think about it becoming to look a lot like Christmas

Today, I finally assembled the gingerbread houses that I baked last week and mixed the week before. It has taken quite a while to get to this stage. Now, I only need to get all the little goodies to put on the houses. sigh. It just never seems to be done.

The kids have been starting to bug me about getting the Christmas decorations up. I don't mind having decorations, but I must admit to being a bit of a scrooge when it comes to decorating, parties, etc. around Christmas. It seems like so much for something that is over in a flash. A couple of years, we didn't even put up a tree. But now that my daughter knows what is going on, we wont' get away with that anymore.

We also won't get away with not buying them anything. When they were toddlers, we would wrap up some of their old toys and give it to them again. They didn't know the difference and had just as much fun as if it was new.

The last 2 months have been surrounded by talk of Christmas. Where we will go, what we will do, but mainly what presents they want. My daughter took the Michael's flyer last week and checked off the things she thought she would like. Then my son chimed it and said everything without a checkmark is what he wants. I'm trying to prepare them for the let down of only one toy, pj's and a book from us. My daughter reminded me that we have a big family and they will get them gifts too.

oh well. I'm trying.

holidays

This week I am off from work. But as usual, I will have to return to work in order to get any rest!

I took a job painting a vacant apartment, my 3 kids and husband were all vomiting, our car broke down on the day we were the second coldest place on planet earth, my husband started a new job, my youngest is done with the vomiting, but now just cries incessantly - especially when put into bed, my dad is in the hospital - still, my mom wants me to clean her walls and baseboards, my MIL just found out she probably has to have her breast removed, my husband's birthday is on Sunday, my son's birthday is in 2 weeks, I have gingerbread dough in the fridge from Sunday waiting for me to cook up some houses for said son's birthday, I spent most of the afternoon on the couch, my monthly visitor arrived today. Hmmm. I'm sure there is more.

I'm hoping the Big Turk I just ate will solve all my problems and relieve all my anxiety. Do you think it will work? Hopefully it will at least stop the crying baby. Hey I know! If I give her one, then that should keep her quite for a little while at least.

short and sweet (I hope!)

I wanted to say that today was my 1 year anniversary of the slicing and dicing. I can't believe it. What a difference a year makes. The most obvious is 146 pounds lost. The less obvious things include a new maturity, more physical ability, more energy, no more gawking by strangers, willingness to tackle hard things - like our budget-, I still overeat, but I have experienced freedom like I had never known.

Thank you, God.

Hopefully, we'll get some good pictures and post them soon. Of course, my version of soon seems to take a while!

recommitment ceremony

Wow. 2 posts in one week. Will wonders never cease?

I want to talk about a couple of things.

one: I have had to recommit to eating properly. I am only 10 months out from my surgery and my eating has become really bad. I was eating a lot of carb based food. I would eat a bag of microwave popcorn most nights before bed. I would eat breads - whole wheat, white, banana, zucchini, you name it - and desserts and chips and chocolate. I would eat instead of drinking water. I would eat junk instead of getting my protein. I wouldn't take care of what I was eating because there was seemingly no consequence. My body is so used to digesting carbs and sugars, that I hardly dump at all. (The only thing that will cause me to dump severely and quickly is milk. more than 1/2 cup and I'm toast.)

Now, I have my consequence. And it is making me look in the mirror and decide my course of action. The scale has been bouncing in the low 180's for over a month. I have dipped as low as 179.2 but then back up again. This is the first time that I haven't dropped in a somewhat steady manner. It bothers me. So, now I know I have reached the point in time where what I put in my mouth does matter. Now, I am an obese *still* person trying to lose more weight as well as keep off what I have already lost.

I have been asking myself if I would be happy to stay at the weight I am now. And, the answer would be a qualified yes. I am ok at this weight. I fit into clothes, booths, cars, small spaces. Being 180 is not the end of the world. But I would not be "happy". I would again be disappointed in myself for not working harder. For not really giving it all I had. For not doing all I could to reach my goal of a normal bmi.

A good chunk of my life I have lived in fear. I am afraid of failing. So much so that I don't even try. If I don't try, I can't fail. For some reason, I would rather not apply for a job I might not get. I would rather not tell you I'm recommitting to eating healthier in case I feel I am unable to follow through. I have always had a hard time with the promises I make to myself. It is easy to break them. It's only me I'm letting down.

I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to follow through on the commitments I make to myself. I want to hold myself accountable instead of looking to other people to make me do what I am unwilling to make myself do. And then find that accountability doesn't work.

One of the greatest gifts I have received from this journey is the knowledge that I have choices. I never felt like I had a choice before. The compulsion to overeat and hide was so strong, that I didn't see a way out. Now I know my way out. I have been given the ability to see my choices. I know that I won't die if I don't eat: I hardly ate for weeks on end and made it through. I can choose to eat the treat or choose not to. For now, I believe I need to choose not to in order to reach my goals.

Again, for fear of failure, I never had goals before. The concept of consciously denying myself now in light of something bigger was foreign. After surgery was the first time I heard myself say, "no. I won't have that now because later I'm going to have that." Instead, I would eat whatever I wanted thinking I would deal with the effects later (such as keep up with my diet later) except that I never did deal with the consequences later. I would just keep going with my blinders on. Whenever I was faced with food, I would always indulge never weighing my options. Saying no because I had a plan was never an option to me. The plan that I might have had was not enough to keep my accountable.

So, all of this was to say that I have learned and grown in the last 10 months. But even so, it takes as much work as it always did.

I had a second point, didn't I. I think I will leave it for another day.

Welcome Back!

Hi. Long time no see.

Yeah. I know. There are a couple of things that have held me back from posting.
1) Blogger now requires me to login each time instead of remembering me. I know it's only a few seconds and a few keystrokes, but I tell you! It is sometimes the difference between checking in on my favourite blogs and surfing somewhere else!
2) It always seems to take forever to write whatever it is that I want to say. I just can't come in here and bang out a post in 10 minutes or less. Usually, it's closer to 30 or 45 minutes.

Yeah. I know. Suck it up, Buttercup!

So, what's been going on?

Weight wise, I have really slowed down on my loss. I'm now down 140. I have been here for about a month. My poor food choices and lack of exercise lately has really had an impact in this department. I've been eating a lot of sugar and bread. I made bread on the weekend - it was really, really, really good - and cookies too. Now I have an excuse to eat them. They are here.

I've also been eating a lot of popcorn. No. Not the healthy stuff.

And really, anything else that has a reputation for being fattening.

My self talk has started to include lines about using my ability to choose better things for myself. With my surgery, I learned that I can choose to eat healthy - or not eat at all. Lately, I haven't been taking that option.


My dad has been in the hospital since August 27. He went in with a heart infection that antibiotics couldn't get. Then he had open heart surgery and was battling the infection still after that. His breathing tube was taken out only a few days ago along with reducing the drugs that were keeping him sedated and paralyzed. He has gone through a lot, but he has an aweful lot more to do if he is going to recover and live a somewhat normal life. But he has made amazing progress. He has been seriously beating down heaven's door, but God has decided to keep it closed a while longer.

I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago. Hence the lack of exercise. (It is so nice to get paid to exercise and really leaves a void when I'm not working. I don't have a routine to follow and therefore, little exercise actually happens.) I could probably walk a bit this week, but I have a pretty plum assignment for the week, so I will walk next week.

We have still been working on living within our means. I'm not sure we are quite living below, but I do think we are living within them. Did I tell you about the massive hole we dug ourselves into??? Let's just say that our interest payments are $700 a month. We (as in Norm) are working on getting our house ready to sell. The market is aweful, but I believe that we at least need to get it ready and listed and then God will show us what will happen after that. He can definitely provide us a buyer that will pay the price we need. Or, he can not provide a buyer and we can continue to live here. Or, he cannot provide a buyer and we can rent out our house and rent somewhere else. I'm not too concerned about the house thing. Where I do get concerned is our day to day budget and covering expenses. We always seem to find extra bills that take up any extra money that we may have. Today, we got a bill for a speeding ticket that I asked Norm to negotiate on. He didn't and now instead of just the ticket, we now also have a late fee. sigh. I guess we are too poor to speed!

My son, who is almost 5, is starting to be creative. Just in the last month he has started to play with lego and building towers and birds and tunnels and whatever else he can manage. It is really nice to see. He has never shown this kind of interest and intensity in one thing before. Usually, he will play with something for a bit, then leave it for a long time. Now, he is going back and back and back to the same thing making it new each time. I love it! Maybe he will be ready for kindergarten next year. LOL.

Those are the main things going on. Thanks for reading!