recommitment ceremony

Wow. 2 posts in one week. Will wonders never cease?

I want to talk about a couple of things.

one: I have had to recommit to eating properly. I am only 10 months out from my surgery and my eating has become really bad. I was eating a lot of carb based food. I would eat a bag of microwave popcorn most nights before bed. I would eat breads - whole wheat, white, banana, zucchini, you name it - and desserts and chips and chocolate. I would eat instead of drinking water. I would eat junk instead of getting my protein. I wouldn't take care of what I was eating because there was seemingly no consequence. My body is so used to digesting carbs and sugars, that I hardly dump at all. (The only thing that will cause me to dump severely and quickly is milk. more than 1/2 cup and I'm toast.)

Now, I have my consequence. And it is making me look in the mirror and decide my course of action. The scale has been bouncing in the low 180's for over a month. I have dipped as low as 179.2 but then back up again. This is the first time that I haven't dropped in a somewhat steady manner. It bothers me. So, now I know I have reached the point in time where what I put in my mouth does matter. Now, I am an obese *still* person trying to lose more weight as well as keep off what I have already lost.

I have been asking myself if I would be happy to stay at the weight I am now. And, the answer would be a qualified yes. I am ok at this weight. I fit into clothes, booths, cars, small spaces. Being 180 is not the end of the world. But I would not be "happy". I would again be disappointed in myself for not working harder. For not really giving it all I had. For not doing all I could to reach my goal of a normal bmi.

A good chunk of my life I have lived in fear. I am afraid of failing. So much so that I don't even try. If I don't try, I can't fail. For some reason, I would rather not apply for a job I might not get. I would rather not tell you I'm recommitting to eating healthier in case I feel I am unable to follow through. I have always had a hard time with the promises I make to myself. It is easy to break them. It's only me I'm letting down.

I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to follow through on the commitments I make to myself. I want to hold myself accountable instead of looking to other people to make me do what I am unwilling to make myself do. And then find that accountability doesn't work.

One of the greatest gifts I have received from this journey is the knowledge that I have choices. I never felt like I had a choice before. The compulsion to overeat and hide was so strong, that I didn't see a way out. Now I know my way out. I have been given the ability to see my choices. I know that I won't die if I don't eat: I hardly ate for weeks on end and made it through. I can choose to eat the treat or choose not to. For now, I believe I need to choose not to in order to reach my goals.

Again, for fear of failure, I never had goals before. The concept of consciously denying myself now in light of something bigger was foreign. After surgery was the first time I heard myself say, "no. I won't have that now because later I'm going to have that." Instead, I would eat whatever I wanted thinking I would deal with the effects later (such as keep up with my diet later) except that I never did deal with the consequences later. I would just keep going with my blinders on. Whenever I was faced with food, I would always indulge never weighing my options. Saying no because I had a plan was never an option to me. The plan that I might have had was not enough to keep my accountable.

So, all of this was to say that I have learned and grown in the last 10 months. But even so, it takes as much work as it always did.

I had a second point, didn't I. I think I will leave it for another day.