Well, I suppose I should update before I forget.
I hit 100 lbs lost yesterday. Of course, I'm back at 99 today. But let's try to be positive.
100. That's kind of a big number. I would have never imagined it possible. I have thought that even as I lose more weight, then if I start to gain again, I probably won't be higher than where I am now.
Yet even as I celebrate this milestone, I am thinking about the hard work ahead of me. I have not been eating well. I have not been planning my food or eating "real" food. I have had the mindset that as long as I get my protein from drinking, then I can eat whatever I want. When I originally came up with that idea, it was all good because I wanted to eat more veggies and salads. Now, I am instead eating easter eggs and desserts. I don't eat enough sugar to make me sick, but I don't feel well. Then I don't want to even drink my protein. So not only am I not eating the veggies and salads, but I am not even getting my protein.
I'm not done with this topic yet, but I must go make some sleeping beauties for my daughter's sleep over.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
let's finish strong
Today is the last day of lent. I want to at least finish this last day strong!
I have been slipping quite a bit on my commitment to not use my internet. I have found it really isolating to have this limitation on me. I have realized how connected I am to this technology. To be honest, I don't see that I will become any less connected in the future.
There is so much I do on here - looking for recipes, banking, research, support groups, collecting points, news and information... It does take up a lot of time and I would like to limit that time, but generally what I do isn't bad, at worst it is neutral and many times it is even good.
I am writing this so assuage my need to be online. It seems to be working.
Off I go to do laundry and clean the van!
I have been slipping quite a bit on my commitment to not use my internet. I have found it really isolating to have this limitation on me. I have realized how connected I am to this technology. To be honest, I don't see that I will become any less connected in the future.
There is so much I do on here - looking for recipes, banking, research, support groups, collecting points, news and information... It does take up a lot of time and I would like to limit that time, but generally what I do isn't bad, at worst it is neutral and many times it is even good.
I am writing this so assuage my need to be online. It seems to be working.
Off I go to do laundry and clean the van!
Friday, March 19, 2010
BAD! Bad Mother! (warning: extremely lengthy)
This week I had a couple of amazing , completely scale focused victories and then another non-scale victory.
Remember this day: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 - I, kb, weighed less than my hubby for the first time ever!!! This was very exciting. With kids, we talk about who is the biggest in the family. And it is always daddy then mommy then the kids. I have always been uncomfortable in this situation because I knew I was the biggest. Daddy was the tallest, but I was the biggest. It's not something I wanted to admit to anyone but myself so I would never talk about it much. But as of Wednesday, daddy IS the biggest! It's funny, because today we were tied. Norm said I couldn't say I was smaller than him because we were now tied. I had to explain to him very slowly and carefully that I am in possession of the smallest Title. In order for him to earn the title back, he has to go even lower than me. He can't just tie me and expect to have it for himself. As I always remind him: If he had started his diet when I suggested he start, he wouldn't have had to worry about this. At least for a few more pounds.
Then, the next day, my 4 month surgiversary (thanks for reminding me to take pictures tonight!), I was 228.8. This is another milestone for me because it is the number I was at before I got pregnant with my first. I was 228 after losing about 50 lbs. Once I go under this one, I'm in new territory as an adult. I figure I was in my 220's around grade 12 and Bible college and probably 1st year university. During BLTS, I was able to squeeze into an XL from the regular stores, but it was tight. I remember at the beginning of 2nd yr university, I moved up to a size 22 - I hadn't been that high before. Right now, I'm probably a size 20 bottom. I don't have any size 20's, but my 22's are getting loose. I'm trying to make do with what I have until I can reasonably fit into the 18's in my closet. The sad parts are the changes that have happened since having 3 kids. I figure that my belly is a good 4 inches bigger than it was before kids. So, even though I'm the same number, it's not all back to where it was before.
My NSV came at the gym yesterday. Did I tell you I started to jog? My physiotherapist gave me a chart on how to learn to run from the beginning. run 1 minute, walk 4. Do this 4 times. Do it 3 times a week. The next week run 2 mins, walk 3. and so on. So, I tried it out. The kids wanted to play at a park, so I thought I would go for a walk. While I was walking I had a brainwave and tried this out. I was shocked that I could even run for one minute straight. It didn't hurt. I didn't think I would die. I made it through. I even did it the 4 times! I was quite impressed with myself. I continued to jog - although not everytime I exercised. But on Thursday at the gym, I did a very short workout - only 6 - 10 reps and only 1 set - and then I did a tiny bit of cardio. I got on the treadmill and started jogging. I thought, hey! it's time I tried for 2 mins. I was able to do it. Now, let me assure you, I am not going fast. No more than 5 miles an hour. a 12 minute mile. (The guy on the treadmill in front of me was doing 7 minute miles.) But still, I did 2 minutes. I went for my 2nd round, but my back was too sore. I go back to physio on Monday and I need it. I'll ask him about all the jarring. The plan is to ensure a pain free experience.
I was so excited. In the locker room after my 2 minutes, I met a friend and we were able to chat for a minute. Then I chatted with the childcare worker for a bit. I was actually trying to get home fast, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I think I had a divine appointment I needed to wait for.
So, on the way out to the van from the gym, I had my baby in my arm, the diaper bag on my shoulder, my gym bag in one hand and then my son walking along. For the life of me, I couldn't keep baby up, she kept slipping. Please let me explain, that my gym makes you workout before you workout. There are at least 30 stairs to climb when you come in and 30 on the way out. So, trying to get everyone and everything to the van after a workout is almost harder than climbing the stairs on the way in.
I need to preface this next part. I am embarrassed and ashamed and feel (felt?) completely judged by what I am about to share. It was definitely not one of my better parenting moments. I am sharing it because of God's power and glory and how, just an hour ago, He absolutely and completely humbled me with his grace and mercy.
As we approach the van, my son says, "I have to go pee!" I haven't noticed his pee-pee dance yet, but later I found out that some had already got out. I was feeling buoyant with all of the things I described earlier, but overwhelmed at just getting to the van. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I would be able to make it back into the gym, to the toilet for my son to actually use it. I also didn't think I would be able to make it with my hands and arms already in fatigue just getting to where we were. I made the decision to let him pee in front of the van. (That was the not-so-stellar parenting moment.)
I got the baby in and bags in and then turned to deal with said situation. My plan was to get him a little isolated to he wouldn't just be in the middle of the parking lot peeing. As I turned to get him, he had already dropped his pants. Out it started to come.
I was embarrassed as vehicles went by. It is a small parking lot that is always full. At first I was glad there was an open spot beside my van to open my humongous doors. But then someone waited for my son to finish his job and then for us all to get in and close the door in order to use the spot beside me. I didn't want to make eye contact. Like I said, not my proudest moment. But I saw something out of the corner of my eye.
She was saying something to me, but her window was closed. I said "pardon?" (bad decision number 2) She rolled down her window and said "That is DISGUSTING! I can't believe you did that."
Oh my goodness. My heart was pounding. Before I knew it, I was at her shiny, white SUV passenger door talking very loudly in my "I'm about to lose it with a stranger voice." What am I supposed to do? I asked. I have 2 kids, and he had to go and...
Well, I have 3 kids. What if everyone did that? That's gross. - shaking head in utter disgust
I'm sorry if I offended you. That was not what I was trying to do. This is not something I normally do. I am just doing the best I can. I am just doing the best I can! What am I supposed to do?!?!?!? - Arms flailing and voice very high by this point.
She continues her head shaking and rolls up her window.
A 10 second interaction has completely ruined my day. All the joy I had felt previously was gone. For the remainder of the day (yesterday) it affected my mood and dominated my thoughts. Today, it would surface now and then, and wreak havoc, but only occasionally.
All day Thursday I was trying to figure out why I was so riled up. It was over. We may never cross paths again. (hopefully) How come my heart was still beating so fast? Why was I so anxious about it? I settled on the words I mentioned earlier: judged, embarrassed and ashamed.
This woman totally judged me based on that one thing. So just to get even, here are my judgements of her. She says she has 3 kids, but they were not with her at the gym in the middle of the day. Her SUV was clean and new. She has no idea that we had no money for groceries this week. I imagine that money is not a problem for her. She doesn't know what I have gone through the last year. She doesn't know that I have lost 91 pounds in 4 months. She doesn't know me. How dare she judge me and tell me that what I did was disgusting.
I am totally embarrassed by this too. When I think about sharing with friends, I hold myself back. I don't want to admit that I let my son pee in the parking lot. (I almost didn't share it here because more people are asking for the address.) I did it because it was easiest for me and better than telling my son to hold it until he eventually would pee his pants.
The shame is deep. Not only what I did was disgusting, but I am disgusting. Only a disgusting person would allow that to happen. Only a disgusting person would let themselves get so fat. Only a disgusting person could be so unlovable as me. This shame is not on the surface very much. But is something that is deep in my heart. As I write this, the physical pain is deep inside my ribcage.
I have been praying for emotional healing and for God to bring up what needs attention. Shame will be a big one.
Now we have to take a step back into my Lent story. The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I find that I am much more lax on the internet rules. I will search this or that. I'll look up just this one thing. Or I will follow a link because it came to me in my email, which I am allowed to do. Also, my working to see the wonder has been falling off too. I will do a bit, but won't delve in to far. I cut my prayers short for a break. I have missed a few days altogether this week.
Tonight Norm is working (I need to write about that another time.) The kids are sleeping and it is quiet. I turn on my iPod and cross stitch for a while. I have really been missing it. There just isn't enough time to do it, even with limited internet and no tv.
As I'm stitching, I'm thinking about doing my homework. I haven't done it lately. But I convince myself that I need to follow through on the working to see the wonder. I need to do the work. (The study I am doing now is Loving Well by Beth Moore. It is so amazing how God orchestrates exactly what I need to learn at specific times.) So I pull out the journal and start working.
Thoughts of this event keep running through my mind. So I stop to deal with it. I have been praying for Truth. I ask for more Truth.
I sit there and realize that God allowed this to happen. If he is in control, which I believe he is, then he either wanted this or allowed this. He knew it would happen. That really floored me. He is supposed to PROTECT me! He is supposed to care for me. He is supposed to heal me. I am supposed to feel safe with him. How can I feel safe when he allows this to happen? He allowed someone to judge me and make me embarrassed and feel ashamed. Why? I was upset.
Earlier today, on a podcast, the pastor mentioned going to John 8 to learn about demons. God was telling me to read this now. I don't remember the connection to the demon reference - oh, maybe it was being attacked or something like that. Anyway, the pastor didn't give the reference, so I just read from verse 12. Right away, in verse 15, Jesus is telling me "I judge no one." I started bawling. I can feel judged all I want, and others can judge me all they want, but Jesus judges no one!! He doesn't judge me. I was finally able to tell myself that what I did, might not have been the best, but it was NOT a sin. Jesus didn't judge me. Hallelujah! I sat with that for a bit, then I kept reading.
In verse 29 was another doozie. "He has not left me alone." After feeling the abandonment of God, that I couldn't trust him if he would allow this, I read that He has not left me alone, even in this!!! Wow! This utterly changed my spirit. I was free! I am free.
God used these events to break one of my spiritual bondages. I wonder if I have felt abandoned by God for most of my life. It really resonated with me when I thought it and prayed about it.
I have felt isolated from most people for most of my life and abandoned by God when I have asked him for help over and over and over again. I pray that this new truth will be life altering.
Well, it has taken me almost 2 hours to write this. It needed to be written as a memorial to what God is doing. AMEN
Remember this day: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 - I, kb, weighed less than my hubby for the first time ever!!! This was very exciting. With kids, we talk about who is the biggest in the family. And it is always daddy then mommy then the kids. I have always been uncomfortable in this situation because I knew I was the biggest. Daddy was the tallest, but I was the biggest. It's not something I wanted to admit to anyone but myself so I would never talk about it much. But as of Wednesday, daddy IS the biggest! It's funny, because today we were tied. Norm said I couldn't say I was smaller than him because we were now tied. I had to explain to him very slowly and carefully that I am in possession of the smallest Title. In order for him to earn the title back, he has to go even lower than me. He can't just tie me and expect to have it for himself. As I always remind him: If he had started his diet when I suggested he start, he wouldn't have had to worry about this. At least for a few more pounds.
Then, the next day, my 4 month surgiversary (thanks for reminding me to take pictures tonight!), I was 228.8. This is another milestone for me because it is the number I was at before I got pregnant with my first. I was 228 after losing about 50 lbs. Once I go under this one, I'm in new territory as an adult. I figure I was in my 220's around grade 12 and Bible college and probably 1st year university. During BLTS, I was able to squeeze into an XL from the regular stores, but it was tight. I remember at the beginning of 2nd yr university, I moved up to a size 22 - I hadn't been that high before. Right now, I'm probably a size 20 bottom. I don't have any size 20's, but my 22's are getting loose. I'm trying to make do with what I have until I can reasonably fit into the 18's in my closet. The sad parts are the changes that have happened since having 3 kids. I figure that my belly is a good 4 inches bigger than it was before kids. So, even though I'm the same number, it's not all back to where it was before.
My NSV came at the gym yesterday. Did I tell you I started to jog? My physiotherapist gave me a chart on how to learn to run from the beginning. run 1 minute, walk 4. Do this 4 times. Do it 3 times a week. The next week run 2 mins, walk 3. and so on. So, I tried it out. The kids wanted to play at a park, so I thought I would go for a walk. While I was walking I had a brainwave and tried this out. I was shocked that I could even run for one minute straight. It didn't hurt. I didn't think I would die. I made it through. I even did it the 4 times! I was quite impressed with myself. I continued to jog - although not everytime I exercised. But on Thursday at the gym, I did a very short workout - only 6 - 10 reps and only 1 set - and then I did a tiny bit of cardio. I got on the treadmill and started jogging. I thought, hey! it's time I tried for 2 mins. I was able to do it. Now, let me assure you, I am not going fast. No more than 5 miles an hour. a 12 minute mile. (The guy on the treadmill in front of me was doing 7 minute miles.) But still, I did 2 minutes. I went for my 2nd round, but my back was too sore. I go back to physio on Monday and I need it. I'll ask him about all the jarring. The plan is to ensure a pain free experience.
I was so excited. In the locker room after my 2 minutes, I met a friend and we were able to chat for a minute. Then I chatted with the childcare worker for a bit. I was actually trying to get home fast, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I think I had a divine appointment I needed to wait for.
So, on the way out to the van from the gym, I had my baby in my arm, the diaper bag on my shoulder, my gym bag in one hand and then my son walking along. For the life of me, I couldn't keep baby up, she kept slipping. Please let me explain, that my gym makes you workout before you workout. There are at least 30 stairs to climb when you come in and 30 on the way out. So, trying to get everyone and everything to the van after a workout is almost harder than climbing the stairs on the way in.
I need to preface this next part. I am embarrassed and ashamed and feel (felt?) completely judged by what I am about to share. It was definitely not one of my better parenting moments. I am sharing it because of God's power and glory and how, just an hour ago, He absolutely and completely humbled me with his grace and mercy.
As we approach the van, my son says, "I have to go pee!" I haven't noticed his pee-pee dance yet, but later I found out that some had already got out. I was feeling buoyant with all of the things I described earlier, but overwhelmed at just getting to the van. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I would be able to make it back into the gym, to the toilet for my son to actually use it. I also didn't think I would be able to make it with my hands and arms already in fatigue just getting to where we were. I made the decision to let him pee in front of the van. (That was the not-so-stellar parenting moment.)
I got the baby in and bags in and then turned to deal with said situation. My plan was to get him a little isolated to he wouldn't just be in the middle of the parking lot peeing. As I turned to get him, he had already dropped his pants. Out it started to come.
I was embarrassed as vehicles went by. It is a small parking lot that is always full. At first I was glad there was an open spot beside my van to open my humongous doors. But then someone waited for my son to finish his job and then for us all to get in and close the door in order to use the spot beside me. I didn't want to make eye contact. Like I said, not my proudest moment. But I saw something out of the corner of my eye.
She was saying something to me, but her window was closed. I said "pardon?" (bad decision number 2) She rolled down her window and said "That is DISGUSTING! I can't believe you did that."
Oh my goodness. My heart was pounding. Before I knew it, I was at her shiny, white SUV passenger door talking very loudly in my "I'm about to lose it with a stranger voice." What am I supposed to do? I asked. I have 2 kids, and he had to go and...
Well, I have 3 kids. What if everyone did that? That's gross. - shaking head in utter disgust
I'm sorry if I offended you. That was not what I was trying to do. This is not something I normally do. I am just doing the best I can. I am just doing the best I can! What am I supposed to do?!?!?!? - Arms flailing and voice very high by this point.
She continues her head shaking and rolls up her window.
A 10 second interaction has completely ruined my day. All the joy I had felt previously was gone. For the remainder of the day (yesterday) it affected my mood and dominated my thoughts. Today, it would surface now and then, and wreak havoc, but only occasionally.
All day Thursday I was trying to figure out why I was so riled up. It was over. We may never cross paths again. (hopefully) How come my heart was still beating so fast? Why was I so anxious about it? I settled on the words I mentioned earlier: judged, embarrassed and ashamed.
This woman totally judged me based on that one thing. So just to get even, here are my judgements of her. She says she has 3 kids, but they were not with her at the gym in the middle of the day. Her SUV was clean and new. She has no idea that we had no money for groceries this week. I imagine that money is not a problem for her. She doesn't know what I have gone through the last year. She doesn't know that I have lost 91 pounds in 4 months. She doesn't know me. How dare she judge me and tell me that what I did was disgusting.
I am totally embarrassed by this too. When I think about sharing with friends, I hold myself back. I don't want to admit that I let my son pee in the parking lot. (I almost didn't share it here because more people are asking for the address.) I did it because it was easiest for me and better than telling my son to hold it until he eventually would pee his pants.
The shame is deep. Not only what I did was disgusting, but I am disgusting. Only a disgusting person would allow that to happen. Only a disgusting person would let themselves get so fat. Only a disgusting person could be so unlovable as me. This shame is not on the surface very much. But is something that is deep in my heart. As I write this, the physical pain is deep inside my ribcage.
I have been praying for emotional healing and for God to bring up what needs attention. Shame will be a big one.
Now we have to take a step back into my Lent story. The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I find that I am much more lax on the internet rules. I will search this or that. I'll look up just this one thing. Or I will follow a link because it came to me in my email, which I am allowed to do. Also, my working to see the wonder has been falling off too. I will do a bit, but won't delve in to far. I cut my prayers short for a break. I have missed a few days altogether this week.
Tonight Norm is working (I need to write about that another time.) The kids are sleeping and it is quiet. I turn on my iPod and cross stitch for a while. I have really been missing it. There just isn't enough time to do it, even with limited internet and no tv.
As I'm stitching, I'm thinking about doing my homework. I haven't done it lately. But I convince myself that I need to follow through on the working to see the wonder. I need to do the work. (The study I am doing now is Loving Well by Beth Moore. It is so amazing how God orchestrates exactly what I need to learn at specific times.) So I pull out the journal and start working.
Thoughts of this event keep running through my mind. So I stop to deal with it. I have been praying for Truth. I ask for more Truth.
I sit there and realize that God allowed this to happen. If he is in control, which I believe he is, then he either wanted this or allowed this. He knew it would happen. That really floored me. He is supposed to PROTECT me! He is supposed to care for me. He is supposed to heal me. I am supposed to feel safe with him. How can I feel safe when he allows this to happen? He allowed someone to judge me and make me embarrassed and feel ashamed. Why? I was upset.
Earlier today, on a podcast, the pastor mentioned going to John 8 to learn about demons. God was telling me to read this now. I don't remember the connection to the demon reference - oh, maybe it was being attacked or something like that. Anyway, the pastor didn't give the reference, so I just read from verse 12. Right away, in verse 15, Jesus is telling me "I judge no one." I started bawling. I can feel judged all I want, and others can judge me all they want, but Jesus judges no one!! He doesn't judge me. I was finally able to tell myself that what I did, might not have been the best, but it was NOT a sin. Jesus didn't judge me. Hallelujah! I sat with that for a bit, then I kept reading.
In verse 29 was another doozie. "He has not left me alone." After feeling the abandonment of God, that I couldn't trust him if he would allow this, I read that He has not left me alone, even in this!!! Wow! This utterly changed my spirit. I was free! I am free.
God used these events to break one of my spiritual bondages. I wonder if I have felt abandoned by God for most of my life. It really resonated with me when I thought it and prayed about it.
I have felt isolated from most people for most of my life and abandoned by God when I have asked him for help over and over and over again. I pray that this new truth will be life altering.
Well, it has taken me almost 2 hours to write this. It needed to be written as a memorial to what God is doing. AMEN
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Progress report
We are 2 weeks into lent. As stated, I have given up tv watching and computer use other than writing this amazing blog and doing email. The tv has been ok. I watched the gold medal hockey game with my husband (he taped it, so we watched it after the kids went to bed.) and then a show after that. Oh yeah, it was Amazing Race. Those cowboys are fun!
Giving up the tv hasn't been that much of a challenge. The tv is downstairs. None of my life is downstairs except for laundry. There is nothing to draw me downstairs unless it is watching tv. I like a few shows, but it's not as compulsive as it used to be. I knew this and that was why I also felt I needed to give up my computer time. That has been another story.
It has not been easy. I have relaxed the rules about only checking my email once a day. Now I check it a number of times a day - not that there is anything that exciting in there - and I have used the computer a few times other than writing. Tonight I watched Carnie Wilson on Dr Oz someone has posted it on her blog. A couple of days ago, I researched activity classes with the city for the kids. I registered them for swimming. I have read a couple of blogs as I have gone to post my own. I think there were a couple of other times, but I can't remember exactly when or what.
Not having my computer access has left me feeling frustrated and isolated and much less informed. I get a lot of my news and information and general living stuff online. When someone says to check out a website, I can't. If I want to find out the answer to something I can't. I went to get the paper copy of the program guide for the activities and they were out. What was I supposed to do to find out about the programs coming up? The new spring guide will be out tomorrow, I think, and so I can have a copy to register for later programs. But I really felt helpless. I really depend on this connection.
Another area I have really felt the loss is in support of my surgery. I haven't heard of any local support groups. I love bariatrictv.com. I am not able to go there to ask questions or offer help to anyone else. I have been in a food funk and not wanting to cook. Part of that is I get my recipes online. I have no cookbooks.
Has giving this up brought me to prayer? I would have to say yes. Since I am not spending my time online, I have the time to spend learning and praying. I will often take upwards of 2 hours to do my "homework." I have tried to remind myself that my Saviour was beaten within an inch of his life and then crucified with the burden of all the sins in the world on his shoulders. He felt abandoned by his Father. He willingly gave his life to save mine. Thank you, Jesus! Not going online is no big deal.
Giving up the tv hasn't been that much of a challenge. The tv is downstairs. None of my life is downstairs except for laundry. There is nothing to draw me downstairs unless it is watching tv. I like a few shows, but it's not as compulsive as it used to be. I knew this and that was why I also felt I needed to give up my computer time. That has been another story.
It has not been easy. I have relaxed the rules about only checking my email once a day. Now I check it a number of times a day - not that there is anything that exciting in there - and I have used the computer a few times other than writing. Tonight I watched Carnie Wilson on Dr Oz someone has posted it on her blog. A couple of days ago, I researched activity classes with the city for the kids. I registered them for swimming. I have read a couple of blogs as I have gone to post my own. I think there were a couple of other times, but I can't remember exactly when or what.
Not having my computer access has left me feeling frustrated and isolated and much less informed. I get a lot of my news and information and general living stuff online. When someone says to check out a website, I can't. If I want to find out the answer to something I can't. I went to get the paper copy of the program guide for the activities and they were out. What was I supposed to do to find out about the programs coming up? The new spring guide will be out tomorrow, I think, and so I can have a copy to register for later programs. But I really felt helpless. I really depend on this connection.
Another area I have really felt the loss is in support of my surgery. I haven't heard of any local support groups. I love bariatrictv.com. I am not able to go there to ask questions or offer help to anyone else. I have been in a food funk and not wanting to cook. Part of that is I get my recipes online. I have no cookbooks.
Has giving this up brought me to prayer? I would have to say yes. Since I am not spending my time online, I have the time to spend learning and praying. I will often take upwards of 2 hours to do my "homework." I have tried to remind myself that my Saviour was beaten within an inch of his life and then crucified with the burden of all the sins in the world on his shoulders. He felt abandoned by his Father. He willingly gave his life to save mine. Thank you, Jesus! Not going online is no big deal.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
New Pics
Sorry to scare you! That's pretty shocking. But since I have given up all other things on the computer, I have now posted my before surgery pictures. I call this one "before mean." It seems that a lot of before pictures are not pretty - I mean that I look angry - not just fat. I think it's because when I had my pictures before I felt so awful and I hated the way I looked and I would just grit my teeth and do it. I never hid from the camera, but I wouldn't really volunteer either.
Here is my happy side view. At least I didn't have a scowl! It's actually something I have noticed as I look at before and after pictures. The after pics are always much better. the people are smiling and happy and usually outside! Interesting.
So, I knew I was fat, but seeing these pictures, especially the mean one, is kind of scary. First of all, the shirt is UGLY! Finding clothes at the top end of the size chart is difficult. I found it really challenging because my boobs are/were a lot smaller than my belly. I would have to find shirts that were long enough to not show any skin, then they had to be big enough to go around my belly, but small enough to not show too much cleavage. This shirt was way too big on top. Every time I would bend over, everything would hang out.
So, let's go on to 3 months later.
I just had my 3 month surgiversary. I made it to 80 lbs down in 3 months and 2 days. When I compare the pictures, I can see a big difference. But I must admit that when I first saw this picture, I wasn't that impressed. I thought that I was still big. I suppose that is still the truth: I AM still big. I would still qualify for the surgery without any co-morbidities at this weight. I am also starting to run into skin issues. After 3 babies and being over 300 for a year has left my belly hanging. I am only 12 lbs away from my lowest adult weight. I was a size 18 then. I recently tried on size 18 pants. I can do them up - barely. They push all the fat on top of the waistband. It's not pleasant. They fit in the bum and legs. But, 12 lbs won't make that big a difference. It's the skin. I'm already thinking about starting research on plastic surgery options. I've heard a few going to Mexico and a couple to Costa Rica where their whole body can be reshaped for the cost of one surgery in Canada. Oh well. It's at least a couple of years away.
So I am feeling guilty. During this post, Norm came up asking me for info about booking a flight for his mom. I acted all, "Can't you do it?!?!?" Now, I need to go say sorry. I hate that! It's like I'm always going off the edge and he never does. At least he has always forgiven me so far.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
I'm Lenting
I an observing lent this year. In the past, I would like the idea of sacrificing something to remind myself of the suffering of Christ, but I don't think I ever "really" did it. I have never been willing to suffer or sacrifice for anyone or anything.
So, this year has been quite a spiritual awakening for me. I am living my reversal of destiny where God has turned the tables that were set against me. He has called me out to study every day, work out regularly and to pray. I have started attending a prayer meeting at church each Wednesday. I also have to pray for people when we are talking to each other. Instead of saying, "I'll pray for you about that" and then walk away, I need to say, "Hey can I pray for you right now?"
My faith has always been real to me, but I have never lived it out loud. I have always been very quiet, partly because it is important. But now, I need to learn to be bold.
I was thinking about what I would give up for lent. I can't really give up food anymore. Although, I have found myself eating poorly lately. So I have given up sugary and junk foods like chips. Because those are rarely an issue now, I also needed to give up something else. The first thought was TV. I don't watch tonnes, but often Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights, I would watch 2 - 4 hours per night. I guess that is a lot! I figured because I didn't watch every night, and I don't watch at all in the day that it is a lot less than I could watch.
The other option was giving up my computer time. The computer is a place where I spend the time I don't spend watching tv. I wasn't really keen on giving up my computer since I depend on it so much for information and entertainment and communication. I am always looking up some tidbit or phone number or researching some topic. I haven't been on very much lately, but I also love the Bariatric TV forums (www.bariatrictv.com/forums). They are so great for fun and for help on the bariatric journey. And then of course, I couldn't give up my email or reading the blogs I follow.
It was pancake Tuesday. My brother and SIL came over with the kids for pancakes and I still wasn't sure what I was giving up. I didn't think the tv was enough, but the computer was too much.
I think it was Wednesday during my prayers that I realized it had to be both. I had to give up my shows - Intervention, Hoarders, Amazing Race, Biggest Loser, my crime dramas ( I can't remember the name and I can't look it up!) and also I had to give up my computer obsession. There are 2 caveats for the computer/internet: I can do my email once a day. I will sit down to check my mail and think, do I really want this to be my email time for the day?
Also, I am allowed to post blogs. This is my journal. It is good to write the thoughts going through my head. The sad part is, I am not allowed to read yours. I will miss your thoughts and happenings, but I believe God has called me to give this up for the next few weeks. Ok.
6 Weeks. I think of my loyal follower often. I am sad that I won't be able to comment on her blog. But I have and will continue to pray for her. Loyal follower, I can email if you send me your address!!!
It is important for me to develop these disciplines in my life. For 37 years, I have avoided any and all discipline. Discipline, and putting my goals and plans and God's plans and goals ahead of my whims and desires will be important in my long term success in all areas of my life. Holding myself to account is the only way I can make it. Others holding me accountable is very helpful and I need that. But holding myself accountable for the promises I make to God and myself is crucial. It has always been easy to lie to myself or just let what I wanted to do slide because it was too much work. That is how I got to 320 lbs and living my life like it was a boat adrift at sea, going where the currents took me. Now is the time to act with purpose and direction. Now is the time to go where I am called instead of letting myself meander and wonder why I never got anywhere. No longer.
It is definitely more work. I need to demand a lot of myself. But living my life the way God wants me to, is definitely worth the work. Am I willing to work to see the wonder?
YOU BET!
So, this year has been quite a spiritual awakening for me. I am living my reversal of destiny where God has turned the tables that were set against me. He has called me out to study every day, work out regularly and to pray. I have started attending a prayer meeting at church each Wednesday. I also have to pray for people when we are talking to each other. Instead of saying, "I'll pray for you about that" and then walk away, I need to say, "Hey can I pray for you right now?"
My faith has always been real to me, but I have never lived it out loud. I have always been very quiet, partly because it is important. But now, I need to learn to be bold.
I was thinking about what I would give up for lent. I can't really give up food anymore. Although, I have found myself eating poorly lately. So I have given up sugary and junk foods like chips. Because those are rarely an issue now, I also needed to give up something else. The first thought was TV. I don't watch tonnes, but often Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights, I would watch 2 - 4 hours per night. I guess that is a lot! I figured because I didn't watch every night, and I don't watch at all in the day that it is a lot less than I could watch.
The other option was giving up my computer time. The computer is a place where I spend the time I don't spend watching tv. I wasn't really keen on giving up my computer since I depend on it so much for information and entertainment and communication. I am always looking up some tidbit or phone number or researching some topic. I haven't been on very much lately, but I also love the Bariatric TV forums (www.bariatrictv.com/forums). They are so great for fun and for help on the bariatric journey. And then of course, I couldn't give up my email or reading the blogs I follow.
It was pancake Tuesday. My brother and SIL came over with the kids for pancakes and I still wasn't sure what I was giving up. I didn't think the tv was enough, but the computer was too much.
I think it was Wednesday during my prayers that I realized it had to be both. I had to give up my shows - Intervention, Hoarders, Amazing Race, Biggest Loser, my crime dramas ( I can't remember the name and I can't look it up!) and also I had to give up my computer obsession. There are 2 caveats for the computer/internet: I can do my email once a day. I will sit down to check my mail and think, do I really want this to be my email time for the day?
Also, I am allowed to post blogs. This is my journal. It is good to write the thoughts going through my head. The sad part is, I am not allowed to read yours. I will miss your thoughts and happenings, but I believe God has called me to give this up for the next few weeks. Ok.
6 Weeks. I think of my loyal follower often. I am sad that I won't be able to comment on her blog. But I have and will continue to pray for her. Loyal follower, I can email if you send me your address!!!
It is important for me to develop these disciplines in my life. For 37 years, I have avoided any and all discipline. Discipline, and putting my goals and plans and God's plans and goals ahead of my whims and desires will be important in my long term success in all areas of my life. Holding myself to account is the only way I can make it. Others holding me accountable is very helpful and I need that. But holding myself accountable for the promises I make to God and myself is crucial. It has always been easy to lie to myself or just let what I wanted to do slide because it was too much work. That is how I got to 320 lbs and living my life like it was a boat adrift at sea, going where the currents took me. Now is the time to act with purpose and direction. Now is the time to go where I am called instead of letting myself meander and wonder why I never got anywhere. No longer.
It is definitely more work. I need to demand a lot of myself. But living my life the way God wants me to, is definitely worth the work. Am I willing to work to see the wonder?
YOU BET!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Blech!!!!
I feel awful right now and need to write about it. The food in my pouch won't come up, so the emotions have to.
I have slipped back into some old patterns of not thinking. Especially when it comes to food. Last week I ate some chips. They tasted good. They made me feel full without hurting. I ate 2 bags over 2 days. I didn't eat much of anything else though.
Today, I wanted to have more. I went to Norm's car and got 3 bags. As I was walking into the house, I was trying to stifle the thought, "this is not looking good. Are you going to binge?" I was embarrassed and didn't want my daughter to see me bring them in and I tried to hide them. I think I was successful, but sometimes she doesn't care about such things. She went downstairs, and in solitude I scarfed down probably about 3/4 of the bag. I was eating them very quickly so no one would catch me.
My husband came up to say good bye and I wondered if he would taste them when we kissed. He didn't mention it. I then opened a different flavour bag. I wanted the sweetness of them versus the salty taste of the first. I had a few. Again afraid I would be caught, I tried to stuff the bag behind the computer.
Then I felt gross. I went to the bathroom and tried to make room for the contents of my pouch to go down. It hurt. I was uncomfortable and wanted to throw up. I have always hated worshipping the porcelain gods, but since my surgery, it is often the best way to get relief. I just pray it will come up. This time, some liquid did, but no food. As we speak, it is still making it's way through my small stoma (opening from new pouch to intestine) with much gurgling. I still feel like some should come up, but based on past experience, don't think that any will.
My instinct is to drink. That doesn't work with this. Especially if the food expands. I've had it explained that my new pouch and stoma is like a funnel. If the funnel is stuck with food, water can't get through and just backs up making a bad situation worse.
What scares me about this episode is that it is the same old pattern I used to live by: "don't stop long enough to talk yourself out of it." Like I said, when I was bringing the chips into the house, I had that little voice that knew the truth and I chose to ignore it. The challenge now, is to accept that I made an error in judgement, learn from it and move on. So, what did I learn this time? I can have one or two chips if they are someone else's. I may not have a bag to myself. It leads to bad things! It takes time to undo 30+ years of binging and hiding and eating for emotional reasons. That's why I had to write it out. Thanks for letting me.
Other news...
I have been very busy with my new life. I can't remember if I wrote on my "reversal of destiny" epiphany. I believe God has reversed my destiny. He has allowed this surgery to be a hinge in my life where I have pivoted to a new path. On this new path is much wonder to be had. Much, much wonder. But the question Beth Moore asked me was if I was "willing to WORK to see the wonder?" I said yes.
I have always taken the easy way. I have given up when times have been hard. I have stopped a habit of discipline because of a simple schedule change. How many times have I started something, but never finished? Last year, I was studying my Bible during my lunch break at work. Then, my break time changed and that was then end of my study. A couple of years ago, I started working out at the gym putting the kids in the babysitting while I was there. My son got sick and I couldn't bring him to the childcare while he was sick, so I never went back. I even paid for 6 more months of babysitting before I finally cancelled it. Instead of rolling with the punches of life, I let them run me over.
So the last few weeks, I have been working. I have been doing my Bible study homework EVERY day. I have been working out at the gym 3 times a week. These are my 2 main disciplines. Both of them are crucial to the rest of my life. As I lose weight, and get to goal, exercise will make a bigger and bigger difference in my body and mind. (can you say "stress relief?") Bible study is essential for living a Christian life with meaning and purpose. I have lived many years without hardly cracking my Bible open. And I would wonder why I didn't feel alive spiritually. Duh! God's Word is alive and active. It is living and speaks to me and my spirit directly when I avail myself to it.
God is also calling me to pray. and to pray boldly. Instead of telling someone I will pray for them - even with good intentions - I need to pray for them at that time. I need to pray all the time for whatever is going on. Also, I need to pray for my family. To "stand in the gap" as it were. This one I am not that sure about. I don't really know how to pray for all that I need to pray for. And to be honest, I kind of get bored going on about the same thing over and over. I hope I can learn.
Update: It has been over 2.5 hours since I ate all that crap. Just so you know, I am still feeling it!
If you're still reading thanks. You're the best!
I have slipped back into some old patterns of not thinking. Especially when it comes to food. Last week I ate some chips. They tasted good. They made me feel full without hurting. I ate 2 bags over 2 days. I didn't eat much of anything else though.
Today, I wanted to have more. I went to Norm's car and got 3 bags. As I was walking into the house, I was trying to stifle the thought, "this is not looking good. Are you going to binge?" I was embarrassed and didn't want my daughter to see me bring them in and I tried to hide them. I think I was successful, but sometimes she doesn't care about such things. She went downstairs, and in solitude I scarfed down probably about 3/4 of the bag. I was eating them very quickly so no one would catch me.
My husband came up to say good bye and I wondered if he would taste them when we kissed. He didn't mention it. I then opened a different flavour bag. I wanted the sweetness of them versus the salty taste of the first. I had a few. Again afraid I would be caught, I tried to stuff the bag behind the computer.
Then I felt gross. I went to the bathroom and tried to make room for the contents of my pouch to go down. It hurt. I was uncomfortable and wanted to throw up. I have always hated worshipping the porcelain gods, but since my surgery, it is often the best way to get relief. I just pray it will come up. This time, some liquid did, but no food. As we speak, it is still making it's way through my small stoma (opening from new pouch to intestine) with much gurgling. I still feel like some should come up, but based on past experience, don't think that any will.
My instinct is to drink. That doesn't work with this. Especially if the food expands. I've had it explained that my new pouch and stoma is like a funnel. If the funnel is stuck with food, water can't get through and just backs up making a bad situation worse.
What scares me about this episode is that it is the same old pattern I used to live by: "don't stop long enough to talk yourself out of it." Like I said, when I was bringing the chips into the house, I had that little voice that knew the truth and I chose to ignore it. The challenge now, is to accept that I made an error in judgement, learn from it and move on. So, what did I learn this time? I can have one or two chips if they are someone else's. I may not have a bag to myself. It leads to bad things! It takes time to undo 30+ years of binging and hiding and eating for emotional reasons. That's why I had to write it out. Thanks for letting me.
Other news...
I have been very busy with my new life. I can't remember if I wrote on my "reversal of destiny" epiphany. I believe God has reversed my destiny. He has allowed this surgery to be a hinge in my life where I have pivoted to a new path. On this new path is much wonder to be had. Much, much wonder. But the question Beth Moore asked me was if I was "willing to WORK to see the wonder?" I said yes.
I have always taken the easy way. I have given up when times have been hard. I have stopped a habit of discipline because of a simple schedule change. How many times have I started something, but never finished? Last year, I was studying my Bible during my lunch break at work. Then, my break time changed and that was then end of my study. A couple of years ago, I started working out at the gym putting the kids in the babysitting while I was there. My son got sick and I couldn't bring him to the childcare while he was sick, so I never went back. I even paid for 6 more months of babysitting before I finally cancelled it. Instead of rolling with the punches of life, I let them run me over.
So the last few weeks, I have been working. I have been doing my Bible study homework EVERY day. I have been working out at the gym 3 times a week. These are my 2 main disciplines. Both of them are crucial to the rest of my life. As I lose weight, and get to goal, exercise will make a bigger and bigger difference in my body and mind. (can you say "stress relief?") Bible study is essential for living a Christian life with meaning and purpose. I have lived many years without hardly cracking my Bible open. And I would wonder why I didn't feel alive spiritually. Duh! God's Word is alive and active. It is living and speaks to me and my spirit directly when I avail myself to it.
God is also calling me to pray. and to pray boldly. Instead of telling someone I will pray for them - even with good intentions - I need to pray for them at that time. I need to pray all the time for whatever is going on. Also, I need to pray for my family. To "stand in the gap" as it were. This one I am not that sure about. I don't really know how to pray for all that I need to pray for. And to be honest, I kind of get bored going on about the same thing over and over. I hope I can learn.
Update: It has been over 2.5 hours since I ate all that crap. Just so you know, I am still feeling it!
If you're still reading thanks. You're the best!
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