Well, there is a lot to catch up on. But to be honest, the main reason I am writing is to try and work out why I just ate an entire can of creamed corn.
The can is 398mLs. I thought my pouch was no where near that big. I am only eating 1/2 cup per meal and now I just ate almost 2 cups without a problem. At the beginning, I was chewing thoroughly, but the corn went down so well that I would only chew once or twice. Right now, I am sick in the head and heart because of what I just did, but I don't feel sick to my stomach.
As you may know, my life has been full of stressful events. God has miraculously carried me through it. My mood has been really good and I haven't felt uptight or pressure on me as I have gone through November. Normally I crack at the smallest increase in stress.
Tonight, as I put the kids to bed after being with them for most of the day, I wasn't upset or angry, just tired and ready for some quiet time to myself. My almost 4 yr old son is constantly talking and asking questions and the constancy of it gets to me at times. So, as Alex proceeded to get up and not stay in bed, and as my daughter kept yelling to me while I was on the phone, I felt my energy draining.
After I knew that Alex would stay in bed for good, I went into the kitchen thinking that it was time to start drinking again. I didn't want any water. I wanted something sweet. Oh, okay. I can have some crystal light water. That would work. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the can of corn. I really like cream corn. It is sweet and smooth and yet it is still technically food, so not as bad for me. As I opened the can, I told myself that it would be my evening snack. It doesn't have much protein, but that would be fine this time.
I didn't dish myself out a portion. I just took the can to the computer and ate. I noticed in the can when I had eaten about 1/2 cup. "Wow. That went fast. I'm already done 1/2 cup!" And then I kept going. When my son called me again, before I went to his room, I took a couple of extra bites for the road. Then i returned and finished the can.
I am not impressed.
So, is my stomach that big now or did the cream squish out fast so I could fit it all in? I just invested so much into this surgery and this is how I am? What is going to happen in the future? I'm already bummed because I haven't lost any weight for 3 or 4 days. I really don't get it. How can I hardly eat, and my body still not give anything up?? I am so ticked about that. Everyone always says, "calories in, calories out" but right now, I don't buy it.
I will need to post more regularly, so I can use this as my journal. I need to work this stuff out before I get to the can of corn. The problem is that I know what I need to do, but don't usually do it. I hate living intentionally.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Good Vibrations
This is it! I leave on a jet plane and I don't know when I'll be back again. Not entirely true, but the song came to mind. My flight to Montreal is tomorrow morning. I'm not totally packed or ready, but whatever. I'm going to be leaving my house a disaster and some paperwork left undone, but I am not in the mood to deal with it. I think I have the basics of what I need. I really don't need much, but can get whatever I might not remember.
I got a cough this weekend. and now it is turning more into a cold. I phoned the dr. office and she said she would call back after checking it out. She didn't call back, so I assume everything is a go. I am just so paranoid that they are going to cancel me .
It's really not a surprise that I'm sick again, considering the amount of stress going on over here. Anada is getting better, but now needs physio to help her range of motion, Alex is sick again (like his mom) and Karissa is fine. Norm is trying to sell one business and get into another and make money at the same time. We are so tired and just ready for everything to settle down.
A lot of my church has been praying for us. I am so thankful that God hears and answers prayer. I can't imagine the shape I would be in without all the prayer support. Probably something resembling a ball of goo curled up on the floor.
If you're a praying type, I would appreciate your prayers. If not, I'll take all the good vibes I can get!!!
I got a cough this weekend. and now it is turning more into a cold. I phoned the dr. office and she said she would call back after checking it out. She didn't call back, so I assume everything is a go. I am just so paranoid that they are going to cancel me .
It's really not a surprise that I'm sick again, considering the amount of stress going on over here. Anada is getting better, but now needs physio to help her range of motion, Alex is sick again (like his mom) and Karissa is fine. Norm is trying to sell one business and get into another and make money at the same time. We are so tired and just ready for everything to settle down.
A lot of my church has been praying for us. I am so thankful that God hears and answers prayer. I can't imagine the shape I would be in without all the prayer support. Probably something resembling a ball of goo curled up on the floor.
If you're a praying type, I would appreciate your prayers. If not, I'll take all the good vibes I can get!!!
Friday, November 13, 2009
found another one
8. I really want to eat this right now. I will stay on program all day tomorrow. So, it's okay if I don't follow the program today.
Let's work it out
k, I'm set for gastric bypass surgery in 5 days (not including today.) I am supposed to be drinking meal replacements instead of eating. It will get my liver in shape for the surgery. I don't think I have gone through an entire day of just having my shakes.
Why?
1. They told me that this is only to get my liver in shape. At the physical assessment, the dr. told me my liver wasn't that big. So it's okay to not follow the program.
2. I know the shakes will put me in ketosis. If I eat protein and fat other than the shakes, it shouldn't affect ketosis. So it's okay not to follow the program.
3. While I was supposed to be having my last hurrah, I was in the hospital eating hospital food. I feel deprived and want to have what I may never be able to have again. So, it's okay not to follow the program.
4. Our lives have been very stressful the last few weeks with sickness, business issues and the upcoming surgery. How can I make it through without eating? So, it's okay to not follow the program.
5. It was my dad's 65th. The pineapple dessert looked great. So it's okay to not follow the program.
6. My husband doesn't stop me from eating other food. So, it's okay to not follow the program.
7. There is chocolate in the house! It must be okay to not follow the program.
So, those are the excuses I can come up with off the top of my head. If I remember more, I will add them. These excuses are setting me up for failure. Because I am not following the program, I am starting to doubt what I will do after the surgery. What a head game!
Note to self: It's NOT ok to not follow the program. There are only 5 days left. You can persevere. You can make it. You have done harder things for longer.
Why?
1. They told me that this is only to get my liver in shape. At the physical assessment, the dr. told me my liver wasn't that big. So it's okay to not follow the program.
2. I know the shakes will put me in ketosis. If I eat protein and fat other than the shakes, it shouldn't affect ketosis. So it's okay not to follow the program.
3. While I was supposed to be having my last hurrah, I was in the hospital eating hospital food. I feel deprived and want to have what I may never be able to have again. So, it's okay not to follow the program.
4. Our lives have been very stressful the last few weeks with sickness, business issues and the upcoming surgery. How can I make it through without eating? So, it's okay to not follow the program.
5. It was my dad's 65th. The pineapple dessert looked great. So it's okay to not follow the program.
6. My husband doesn't stop me from eating other food. So, it's okay to not follow the program.
7. There is chocolate in the house! It must be okay to not follow the program.
So, those are the excuses I can come up with off the top of my head. If I remember more, I will add them. These excuses are setting me up for failure. Because I am not following the program, I am starting to doubt what I will do after the surgery. What a head game!
Note to self: It's NOT ok to not follow the program. There are only 5 days left. You can persevere. You can make it. You have done harder things for longer.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
elephants
You know, when I started this blog thing, I thought it would be no big deal. I would write in it often, I would try to be funny but probably would not succeed and it would solve all the world's problems - especially mine. It seems that I hardly write here. I don't even know if there are any people reading this! Oh well. Every few weeks will have to do.
My world is so crazy right not. My daughter had surgery almost 2 weeks ago for an aggressive infection. It was not flesh-eating, but almost. We were in the hospital for 8 days. That is a long time to be out of it. This might sound funny, but I actually really appreciated the time I got to be with my daughter. I fell in love with her all over again. She is patient, kind, helpful, tolerant, long-suffering and CUTE! Then she started to feel better, and was her old self again which includes the aforementioned qualities with stubborn and annoying thrown in. I learned a lot from this. I now know I trust God with our lives. My daughter could have died. I did not want her to die, and am very thankful that her life was spared. But, even with all the best medical care, if God decided to take her, she would be gone. She is only "on loan" and when her time is up is not for me to decide. It was amazing to experience the peace of God, trusting Him to work it all out knowing He would not take her on a whim.
I am also very thankful that we live in Canada. Often I would ponder how the situation might be different if we lived elsewhere. If we lived under a private medical system, we would be financially destitute. Instead of a $100 parking bill, we would have a $100 000 hospital bill. Would the cost of every test and every dose of medicine weigh on my mind as an expense rather than just more treatment my daughter needs? I imagine I would not hold back on anything regarding her care, but the stress of knowing I can't pay the fees quickly accumulating would weigh very heavily on my mind.
So that's my daughter. Both my son and myself got an infection and are on antibiotics. My baby daughter has been teething and she also might have an ear infection. It's hard to know if the ear thing is from the teething or from the bacteria. Good thing she has her 6 month check up tomorrow!
My husband and I have decided to shut down our business. With everyone sick and me in the hospital, it was very hard for Norm to work and make any sales. The end was coming the end of December, but recent events have really pushed us to the end much more quickly than we had planned. So, we're trying to plan the end of the papers and find a new job. Norm has enjoyed sales and wants to continue in that area. He has a meeting with a sales manager tomorrow for a job. It sounds really promising, and hopefully it will work out.
Speaking of elephants in the room... I haven't had my surgery yet. It is next week. Wow. I haven't had time to really dwell on it or even get my plans worked out. For the 2 weeks before the surgery, they give you shakes to drink. This is to clean out your liver of all the fat so it is easy to move during the surgery. They don't taste bad and are relatively filling. I haven't been doing well on them. My 2 weeks started while I was in the hospital, and I didn't have them with me. I began eating less and avoiding a lot of carbs. Because when we eat carbs, our body burns them, but when we don't eat as many carbs, our body burns the glycogen stored in our liver. I started the shakes last Friday. I don't think I have made it through an entire day without eating anything else.
I am also feeling deprived. Since I was hidden away in the hospital, I didn't have a chance for any real last hurrahs. I didn't get to go out for my sushi or ice cream or pasta. Now, I'm supposed to be drinking these drinks, but I want to have cake! I am trying to tell myself that it is just food. It can't be important to me anymore, but for the next week, it still is. I'm really torn. I can't just look at my liver to see if it's in good shape or not. Will my 70/30 effort be enough?
This has also brought doubts in my mind as to whether I will be able to really succeed at this. If I can't manage 2 weeks of liquid, how will I manage a lifetime of healthier eating? How can I live without giving into all of my food obsessions? I am actually considering attending a grief group to deal with the death of my long time companion. If I do, I don't think I could actually talk because the other people might think I am mocking them. Food has been my idol. It has meant so much to me. Eating out has been one of my most favourite thing to do. Food has been my way to break the ice with people. It's really easy to talk about food or go out with someone to eat and if I wasn't comfortable in the situation, I could just hang out by the food table. Everyone loves food - especially sugar, salt and fat - but it doesn't kill most people. It is killing me.
I don't feel dead yet. But I no longer live. Here's to a new life. Cheers.
My world is so crazy right not. My daughter had surgery almost 2 weeks ago for an aggressive infection. It was not flesh-eating, but almost. We were in the hospital for 8 days. That is a long time to be out of it. This might sound funny, but I actually really appreciated the time I got to be with my daughter. I fell in love with her all over again. She is patient, kind, helpful, tolerant, long-suffering and CUTE! Then she started to feel better, and was her old self again which includes the aforementioned qualities with stubborn and annoying thrown in. I learned a lot from this. I now know I trust God with our lives. My daughter could have died. I did not want her to die, and am very thankful that her life was spared. But, even with all the best medical care, if God decided to take her, she would be gone. She is only "on loan" and when her time is up is not for me to decide. It was amazing to experience the peace of God, trusting Him to work it all out knowing He would not take her on a whim.
I am also very thankful that we live in Canada. Often I would ponder how the situation might be different if we lived elsewhere. If we lived under a private medical system, we would be financially destitute. Instead of a $100 parking bill, we would have a $100 000 hospital bill. Would the cost of every test and every dose of medicine weigh on my mind as an expense rather than just more treatment my daughter needs? I imagine I would not hold back on anything regarding her care, but the stress of knowing I can't pay the fees quickly accumulating would weigh very heavily on my mind.
So that's my daughter. Both my son and myself got an infection and are on antibiotics. My baby daughter has been teething and she also might have an ear infection. It's hard to know if the ear thing is from the teething or from the bacteria. Good thing she has her 6 month check up tomorrow!
My husband and I have decided to shut down our business. With everyone sick and me in the hospital, it was very hard for Norm to work and make any sales. The end was coming the end of December, but recent events have really pushed us to the end much more quickly than we had planned. So, we're trying to plan the end of the papers and find a new job. Norm has enjoyed sales and wants to continue in that area. He has a meeting with a sales manager tomorrow for a job. It sounds really promising, and hopefully it will work out.
Speaking of elephants in the room... I haven't had my surgery yet. It is next week. Wow. I haven't had time to really dwell on it or even get my plans worked out. For the 2 weeks before the surgery, they give you shakes to drink. This is to clean out your liver of all the fat so it is easy to move during the surgery. They don't taste bad and are relatively filling. I haven't been doing well on them. My 2 weeks started while I was in the hospital, and I didn't have them with me. I began eating less and avoiding a lot of carbs. Because when we eat carbs, our body burns them, but when we don't eat as many carbs, our body burns the glycogen stored in our liver. I started the shakes last Friday. I don't think I have made it through an entire day without eating anything else.
I am also feeling deprived. Since I was hidden away in the hospital, I didn't have a chance for any real last hurrahs. I didn't get to go out for my sushi or ice cream or pasta. Now, I'm supposed to be drinking these drinks, but I want to have cake! I am trying to tell myself that it is just food. It can't be important to me anymore, but for the next week, it still is. I'm really torn. I can't just look at my liver to see if it's in good shape or not. Will my 70/30 effort be enough?
This has also brought doubts in my mind as to whether I will be able to really succeed at this. If I can't manage 2 weeks of liquid, how will I manage a lifetime of healthier eating? How can I live without giving into all of my food obsessions? I am actually considering attending a grief group to deal with the death of my long time companion. If I do, I don't think I could actually talk because the other people might think I am mocking them. Food has been my idol. It has meant so much to me. Eating out has been one of my most favourite thing to do. Food has been my way to break the ice with people. It's really easy to talk about food or go out with someone to eat and if I wasn't comfortable in the situation, I could just hang out by the food table. Everyone loves food - especially sugar, salt and fat - but it doesn't kill most people. It is killing me.
I don't feel dead yet. But I no longer live. Here's to a new life. Cheers.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
stuff
Today was cray-Zee! My husband had a day long conference so I planned to go to the gym and then to my sil's for the afternoon. But by 9:35 this morning I was all out of sorts.
I really do it to myself. I stayed up way too late last night and then complained about getting up early this morning. Then getting 3 kids together with all their stuff in the van for the full day was quite an event. I tried to remember everything I needed. I did succeed in not forgetting anything.
I know I am running late, but I still need to get gas. The empty light has been on for quite a few kms. I head out to my regular station and all the pumps were turned off. Hmmm. Very odd. That's okay, I thought, I'll just go to the station by the gym. I got there and there wasn't a sign saying there was no gas today, so that was good. I pay at the pump and get started. The gas is not coming. All right. I'll try a different pump. As I pull the van around, I see the signs saying there is no gas today. I have no idea if my vehicle will even make it to the next station! I do make it to the petro canada just down the street. I'll have to forego the airmiles this time.
This is frustrating enough, but my children tell me they have to go pee. we are 5 mins from our house and in between gas stations when my son says the pee is starting to sneak out. I pull into a parking lot and make them pee in the snow. I get really annoyed because I figure that Alex is almost 4. He should be able to know his body and give at least some warning. But again, the rational me reminds myself that it is my fault because they sat in the van for about 15 mins before we even left the house as I was packing up. Screw rationality!
Finally, we made it to the gym. Everything was good. I leave the kids and head downstairs to sweat out my screams. As I am winding down, I see the lady from the front desk looking around. I catch her eye and she nods at me. I thought Karissa was freaking out (like last week.) No, this time it's Alex. Guess what he did? He peed his pants! Really!!! Can you believe it? He never pees his pants.
I had brought extra clothes for him because we were away from the house all day, but they were in the van. When I was talking with the day care worker, she said she had asked Alex if she could take him to the bathroom and he said no. Then, he proceeded to wet himself. I wasn't as mad as I had been earlier, but this did not help.
In the van, I have him change his clothes. He is in the process of getting his pants on and I notice that his new underwear are wet already. He is peeing his dry clothes as he is putting them on! He didn't even tell me that he needed to pee more! I send him to pee in the bush. Today, he went through all the clothes I had brought for him and we had to take a pair of pyjama pants from his cousin. Will this ever end?!?!?!
All of this to say that I am not that regulated. When something happens that I am not expecting, it can really throw me off my course. It's really something that I need to work on. After my surgery, getting really upset about things I cannot control will not be good for my health - both mental and physical. I need to find ways of dealing with changes in my plan that don't increase my stress. I also find once I have begun to wind up, it is really hard to let myself unwind. I get off on yelling and being angry and slamming doors.
Let's talk about surgery now. I haven't written much since I got back from Montreal. I was really worried about the assessments, but they seemed much more like a rubber stamp after they were over. And now, I have my date and I am planning for a life where I am much smaller and living such a more fulfilled life. I find myself saying "when I lose weight" and "as I get smaller" and just speaking with confidence that it will finally happen. I have never spoken with confidence about my weight going down. I have never really believed that I could do that with any finality. Now, it seems there is hope for me.
The research of the surgeon shows that his patients have lost 70 to 80% of their excess body weight after 5 years. For me, that's over 150 pounds! It is possible for me to weigh 150! I have never even dreamt that I could be smaller than 150. 150 is itself the number I pick when I choose a dream number. They way I talk about my weight after the surgery is to say, "I'd rather play in the 200's than the 300's." If I got down to 220, I would feel good. 200, would be great. 180 would be amazing. 150, is like a said, a dream. The last time I weighed 150 for any length of time was when I was 12. When I was 13, I weighed 180. I just can't imagine my life in that situation. I just pray that God would prepare me for what is to come.
I have 2 weeks and 2 days to go before I start my liquid fast. They do is for rapid weight loss before the surgery to lose as much fat from my liver as possible. It will be difficult, but I can do it. This has put pressure on me to eat all the different flavours before this date. It's not that I am trying to eat all that I can and stuff myself silly, but I am trying to eat what I don't think I will be eating afterwards. Like creamy pastas and even fast food. In 2 years, I'll be able to pretty much eat whatever I want. I am hoping that I want to eat well, that in this time I will wholeheartedly embrace a new life and a new way of eating and enthusiastically choose the food that is what my body needs rather than what my emotions want. And even if I choose to eat a bit of dessert, that I will have a bite and be done with it. In 2 years I want to smash this idol of food and see it for what it is - nourishment.
I really do it to myself. I stayed up way too late last night and then complained about getting up early this morning. Then getting 3 kids together with all their stuff in the van for the full day was quite an event. I tried to remember everything I needed. I did succeed in not forgetting anything.
I know I am running late, but I still need to get gas. The empty light has been on for quite a few kms. I head out to my regular station and all the pumps were turned off. Hmmm. Very odd. That's okay, I thought, I'll just go to the station by the gym. I got there and there wasn't a sign saying there was no gas today, so that was good. I pay at the pump and get started. The gas is not coming. All right. I'll try a different pump. As I pull the van around, I see the signs saying there is no gas today. I have no idea if my vehicle will even make it to the next station! I do make it to the petro canada just down the street. I'll have to forego the airmiles this time.
This is frustrating enough, but my children tell me they have to go pee. we are 5 mins from our house and in between gas stations when my son says the pee is starting to sneak out. I pull into a parking lot and make them pee in the snow. I get really annoyed because I figure that Alex is almost 4. He should be able to know his body and give at least some warning. But again, the rational me reminds myself that it is my fault because they sat in the van for about 15 mins before we even left the house as I was packing up. Screw rationality!
Finally, we made it to the gym. Everything was good. I leave the kids and head downstairs to sweat out my screams. As I am winding down, I see the lady from the front desk looking around. I catch her eye and she nods at me. I thought Karissa was freaking out (like last week.) No, this time it's Alex. Guess what he did? He peed his pants! Really!!! Can you believe it? He never pees his pants.
I had brought extra clothes for him because we were away from the house all day, but they were in the van. When I was talking with the day care worker, she said she had asked Alex if she could take him to the bathroom and he said no. Then, he proceeded to wet himself. I wasn't as mad as I had been earlier, but this did not help.
In the van, I have him change his clothes. He is in the process of getting his pants on and I notice that his new underwear are wet already. He is peeing his dry clothes as he is putting them on! He didn't even tell me that he needed to pee more! I send him to pee in the bush. Today, he went through all the clothes I had brought for him and we had to take a pair of pyjama pants from his cousin. Will this ever end?!?!?!
All of this to say that I am not that regulated. When something happens that I am not expecting, it can really throw me off my course. It's really something that I need to work on. After my surgery, getting really upset about things I cannot control will not be good for my health - both mental and physical. I need to find ways of dealing with changes in my plan that don't increase my stress. I also find once I have begun to wind up, it is really hard to let myself unwind. I get off on yelling and being angry and slamming doors.
Let's talk about surgery now. I haven't written much since I got back from Montreal. I was really worried about the assessments, but they seemed much more like a rubber stamp after they were over. And now, I have my date and I am planning for a life where I am much smaller and living such a more fulfilled life. I find myself saying "when I lose weight" and "as I get smaller" and just speaking with confidence that it will finally happen. I have never spoken with confidence about my weight going down. I have never really believed that I could do that with any finality. Now, it seems there is hope for me.
The research of the surgeon shows that his patients have lost 70 to 80% of their excess body weight after 5 years. For me, that's over 150 pounds! It is possible for me to weigh 150! I have never even dreamt that I could be smaller than 150. 150 is itself the number I pick when I choose a dream number. They way I talk about my weight after the surgery is to say, "I'd rather play in the 200's than the 300's." If I got down to 220, I would feel good. 200, would be great. 180 would be amazing. 150, is like a said, a dream. The last time I weighed 150 for any length of time was when I was 12. When I was 13, I weighed 180. I just can't imagine my life in that situation. I just pray that God would prepare me for what is to come.
I have 2 weeks and 2 days to go before I start my liquid fast. They do is for rapid weight loss before the surgery to lose as much fat from my liver as possible. It will be difficult, but I can do it. This has put pressure on me to eat all the different flavours before this date. It's not that I am trying to eat all that I can and stuff myself silly, but I am trying to eat what I don't think I will be eating afterwards. Like creamy pastas and even fast food. In 2 years, I'll be able to pretty much eat whatever I want. I am hoping that I want to eat well, that in this time I will wholeheartedly embrace a new life and a new way of eating and enthusiastically choose the food that is what my body needs rather than what my emotions want. And even if I choose to eat a bit of dessert, that I will have a bite and be done with it. In 2 years I want to smash this idol of food and see it for what it is - nourishment.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I have a date!
It's okay, my husband knows about it!
I got my date for surgery. Yahoo!
I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared about blowing the whole thing 2 years into it.
But tonight I am tired. I'll write more later.
ttyl
I got my date for surgery. Yahoo!
I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared about blowing the whole thing 2 years into it.
But tonight I am tired. I'll write more later.
ttyl
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