elephants

You know, when I started this blog thing, I thought it would be no big deal. I would write in it often, I would try to be funny but probably would not succeed and it would solve all the world's problems - especially mine. It seems that I hardly write here. I don't even know if there are any people reading this! Oh well. Every few weeks will have to do.

My world is so crazy right not. My daughter had surgery almost 2 weeks ago for an aggressive infection. It was not flesh-eating, but almost. We were in the hospital for 8 days. That is a long time to be out of it. This might sound funny, but I actually really appreciated the time I got to be with my daughter. I fell in love with her all over again. She is patient, kind, helpful, tolerant, long-suffering and CUTE! Then she started to feel better, and was her old self again which includes the aforementioned qualities with stubborn and annoying thrown in. I learned a lot from this. I now know I trust God with our lives. My daughter could have died. I did not want her to die, and am very thankful that her life was spared. But, even with all the best medical care, if God decided to take her, she would be gone. She is only "on loan" and when her time is up is not for me to decide. It was amazing to experience the peace of God, trusting Him to work it all out knowing He would not take her on a whim.

I am also very thankful that we live in Canada. Often I would ponder how the situation might be different if we lived elsewhere. If we lived under a private medical system, we would be financially destitute. Instead of a $100 parking bill, we would have a $100 000 hospital bill. Would the cost of every test and every dose of medicine weigh on my mind as an expense rather than just more treatment my daughter needs? I imagine I would not hold back on anything regarding her care, but the stress of knowing I can't pay the fees quickly accumulating would weigh very heavily on my mind.

So that's my daughter. Both my son and myself got an infection and are on antibiotics. My baby daughter has been teething and she also might have an ear infection. It's hard to know if the ear thing is from the teething or from the bacteria. Good thing she has her 6 month check up tomorrow!

My husband and I have decided to shut down our business. With everyone sick and me in the hospital, it was very hard for Norm to work and make any sales. The end was coming the end of December, but recent events have really pushed us to the end much more quickly than we had planned. So, we're trying to plan the end of the papers and find a new job. Norm has enjoyed sales and wants to continue in that area. He has a meeting with a sales manager tomorrow for a job. It sounds really promising, and hopefully it will work out.

Speaking of elephants in the room... I haven't had my surgery yet. It is next week. Wow. I haven't had time to really dwell on it or even get my plans worked out. For the 2 weeks before the surgery, they give you shakes to drink. This is to clean out your liver of all the fat so it is easy to move during the surgery. They don't taste bad and are relatively filling. I haven't been doing well on them. My 2 weeks started while I was in the hospital, and I didn't have them with me. I began eating less and avoiding a lot of carbs. Because when we eat carbs, our body burns them, but when we don't eat as many carbs, our body burns the glycogen stored in our liver. I started the shakes last Friday. I don't think I have made it through an entire day without eating anything else.

I am also feeling deprived. Since I was hidden away in the hospital, I didn't have a chance for any real last hurrahs. I didn't get to go out for my sushi or ice cream or pasta. Now, I'm supposed to be drinking these drinks, but I want to have cake! I am trying to tell myself that it is just food. It can't be important to me anymore, but for the next week, it still is. I'm really torn. I can't just look at my liver to see if it's in good shape or not. Will my 70/30 effort be enough?

This has also brought doubts in my mind as to whether I will be able to really succeed at this. If I can't manage 2 weeks of liquid, how will I manage a lifetime of healthier eating? How can I live without giving into all of my food obsessions? I am actually considering attending a grief group to deal with the death of my long time companion. If I do, I don't think I could actually talk because the other people might think I am mocking them. Food has been my idol. It has meant so much to me. Eating out has been one of my most favourite thing to do. Food has been my way to break the ice with people. It's really easy to talk about food or go out with someone to eat and if I wasn't comfortable in the situation, I could just hang out by the food table. Everyone loves food - especially sugar, salt and fat - but it doesn't kill most people. It is killing me.

I don't feel dead yet. But I no longer live. Here's to a new life. Cheers.