It has been a while and I don't have much time tonight either. But here we go.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned until almost 5am. My mind just wouldn't get of the roller coaster of thoughts and feelings. I got up around 2am to write a letter to my small group telling them that I feel like an outcast.

A lot of time was spent on my neighbours whom I sent home when they were here playing. I felt equally justified and guilty for doing it. They are older than my kids and louder and more destructive. Their grandma is constantly coming over because she is bored. I don't have a lot of patience left for them. Jesus wants me to love her/them, but right now i really feel like I can't. Actually it's probably a won't. Jane has tgruly worn out her welcome with me and it will take a long time to reset.

Some time was spent thinking about moving. I think we are going to downsize. We have had this idea for a number of years, but have never done anything about it. Now is the time. First, we need to get our house ready. We have done a fair amount of renos, but it's all the finishing touches that get left for years!

Oh, and I really think I need to have weightloss surgery. The constant roller coaster ride of emotions that I take every day when I am trying but not doing well, and then not trying because I'm not doing well then thinking I should try harder to do better, but then thinking I can't try harder because it's too hard. Or something like that. I want a chance at a "normal" life. A life where I can drive my husband's truck. Right now my legs are not long enough to compensate for how far away the seat must be in order for my belly to have enough room. I would like to go on amusement park rides without worrying that I won't fit and be thrown off. My plan is to keep with the WWonline, but pursue the surgery too.

It's bed time now.

Night night.