Today I felt really good about how I've been handling my food choices for the past few days (like using yogurt on my pancakes instead of syrup. Like having diet jello and cool whip when the rest of my family was having ice cream. Like choosing and salad and not using any dressing because I liked it without.) But it's a hard hurdle to just bite the bullet and write down what I have eaten. The irrational part of my mind seems to think that if I don't write it down, it never happened. Unfortunately, the metabolic part of my brain and body doesn't follow suit.

I find it amazing how I can have so much resolve and within days - even minutes - it vanishes. Every time I watch Biggest Loser or Xweighted or something similar, I feel so pumped. I'm ready to beat my body into submission. I will take no prisoners! I even start planning how I will tackle tomorrow. Then, my hubby asks if I want some ice cream. Hmmmm. That sounds great! Make mine chocolate dip.

Poof! Gone. The super-incredible, deep-seated, forged steel resolve has dissappeared only to return during the viewing of next week's episode.

All of this to say that even though I have been making some really good choices, I feel like I have blown it tonight. It seems like I couldn't be satisfied until I had my softened, chocolate ice cream. I thought about other things I could have instead - like cool whip. Instead of having it instead, I had both! (With some button mushrooms thrown in the middle because I love them and I was making some chili for tomorrow!) Also, I left the carton out so it would still be soft when I came back for more. I knew that by leaving it out, I would guarantee that I would have more rather than putting it away and making one more barrier between me and my desire.

I do this often. I know strategies that will help me make better choices, but then I choose not to do them. for example, I know that when I start to feel "bingey" that I need to drink some water. I really notice that when I am dehydrated, I want to eat. But, I will still choose to eat instead of drinking water. Man, am I stubborn! Some people ask whether overeating and being fat are genetic or learned behaviour. I have said for a long time that even though everyone in my family uses food to soothe themselves, I was the best learner because I am the biggest. (but stubbornness is genetic!!! lol)

On a positive note, I feel really good about how I dealt with my kids today. After so long of being so stressed out, I am finally feeling better. But I am also making a more determined effort to treat my kids better. I am trying to treat them more as guests than as family. I say things to my family that I would never say to anyone else. By trying to look at them in this light helps me to be more positive and more humourous in my interactions with them. I used to be entirely tired of them and frustrated with them for a good chunk of the day. Today, it seemed the impulse to be angry just wasn't there. Hallejujah!

Time to go. ttys
kb