So I am considering gastric bypass surgery. I don't think I will ever lose all the weight - even some of the weight - I need to without it. I sent an application to a surgeon in Montreal last year, but the next day, found out I was pregnant. As I waited to hear from the clinic, a couple of weeks passed. Then, my application came back in the mail short paid! I think that is very funny. I am not even on a publicly funded "weighting" list because I don't think I would have a chance to even get to the top of the list within 5 years. One article I read about the public system said that they only operate on people with co-morbidities. Unfortunately, I am currently healthy. I don't have any of the diseases associated with obesity. I don't have diabetes (miracle!), high blood pressure, high cholesterol. I am fairly active and when I am working as a letter carrier, I am very active. I guess I understand that if there are limited resources, it makes sense to use them on those who can benefit the most. Yet that means that in the public system, I must get sicker before I have the chance to get better.

A friend mentioned that in Brazil, where she is from, that they have some of the best surgeons and hospitals in the world. They are also much cheaper. So, I am now considering traveling down there for the surgery. If I can save about $10000, why not? I would also become a world traveller! How fun is that?!?!? I better get my passport.

I am nervous. Do I really want to do this? Do I really need it? What happens if something goes wrong? Death is a complication of surgery. What if there are problems and my life after is worse than before?

Then again, what if I don't do it. I am tired of this life where my self esteem is in the gutter. This life where people judge me for how I look. This life where I laugh at my husband because he says he loves me and thinks I am sexy. This life where I can't drive our truck because I don't fit and I am afraid to go on the ridge with my kids incase I am asked to get off because I don't fit. This life where the mental energy it takes to carry on with diet programs seems to oppress me and has me running back to the food.

I don't think I have done many programs, yet when I go through them, they start to add up: Nutritionists, psychologists, gym memberships, exercise videos, councelling, diet and exercise programs, at home diets from books, weekly weigh in diets, expensive doctor supervised diets, online diets and then there is the ever-present self-chastising diet where I criticise myself all day for the choices I have made. Will it ever end?

I am beginning to understand that even with surgery, it will still be a lifelong situation. Food and weight will always be my issues even if I am much smaller. My thought is that I would rather deal with these problems while I can ride the rides and drive our truck and believe my husband when he tells me I'm hot at 200lbs rather than 300!

Anyone have $13k you want to donate my cause!?!?!?!?