ME WANT IT NOW!

I am so anxious.

We started shopping for a van or 2 this week. Our car stalls when the engine is cold or when Norm is driving. Apparently it isn't that fond of him. So we were planning to replace the poor old subaru.

Then last Thursday our van stalled out with an electrical issue. Norm was with the kids and stranded. It could have been worse. He was able to get off the busy road onto a side street and everyone was ok. He was able to get it going again, but then it stalled about a klic (short form for kilometre) from our house. It's a great thing we live on a hill and he coasted right into our driveway.

So now we are looking at 2 new to us vehicles. We thought the van was running quite well and this may be a one-off, but for me, it has tainted my view of this vehicle. How can I trust it anymore? What if it stalls on the Deerfoot? (our major freeway) What if? What if? what if?

Last night we had a date night and went to a used car lot. (yeah, I know. Not very romantic, but I must admit that I really enjoyed myself. It is so nice to just get away from the kids and be with my man in peace and quiet. I really enjoy spending time with him - even if it is in a used car lot.) They had a couple of interesting vans in our price range (very low). And they presented themselves not as salesmen, but as a team of guys just looking to sell some cars and make a few bucks. They appeared honest and down to earth. You could read - not showy.

For the last couple of days, we have been checking kijiji for vans. (That's how we found the lot.) Tonight we found one that seems to be a great deal. It has low kms and a reasonable price. It was just posted an hour before we called about it. It's all I can do to hold myself back from saying to the guy that we will take it sight unseen. We have called him twice already. It seems like we won't get a chance to see it tomorrow either. We have church, then a family birthday party. By the time we get home, it will be getting dark so checking out the van would be difficult. Hopefully it will still be available Monday.

I need to give some background here. We are very good at making quick decisions. It seems like the bigger the cost, the faster the decision. We do a bit of research and then dive right in to the best option at the time.

We have done this quite a bit in the recent past. My surgery was decided within a matter of a couple of weeks. I didn't know all the consequences. I didn't talk to other people who had had the surgery. I didn't find a lot of info other than what the surgeon himself provided. Having said that, it was still the right decision (...I think) but the point is that I didn't take much time to consider all of the facts.

We did this with our business. We were looking into starting a home based business. We found a couple of ads in the paper that sounded interesting. We thought it would be great. We talked to a couple of people and then signed the dotted line. Then in business, we again didn't ask enough questions or do enough research. Someone offered some business coaching. It sounded good enough. So we did it. We didn't look around for what other people were offering, we just took this one. It turned out to be not much of what we needed.

We did a trade with some friends for the van we have now. We traded our car for their van. We were having our 3 rd child and I thought we needed a van. 3 car seats just wouldn't fit in the car. It's true, they wouldn't. We also didn't have very much money (see paragraph about bad business decisions) so a trade where we didn't have to pay would work out for us. And I needed a van. Did I mention I needed a van? So we traded a 2004 car with 75k on it for a 1998 van with almost 200k on it without asking for extra money. Again, all I could see was what was right in front of me. I needed a van. They had one. I could give them my car and it would all be good. It wasn't good.

So, all of this to say that now, I want to try to be better. I don't want to rush into these kind of decisions. Because at the time, all of the quick decisions I made in the past seemed to be really good. Time has showed me that they weren't. I want to take my time and ask questions - the right questions. I want to pray about the decisions we make. I want to make the *right* decision.

But then I encounter a 1999 van with only 115k on it for $3500. It appears to be such a good deal! How can I just not go and buy it right now? What if someone else comes tomorrow? What if someone else will buy it without taking it to their mechanic? What if, what if, what if?

Ramblings continued

Probably since the fall I haven't been as connected spiritually. My attention has been directed towards money issues since May and eating issues since about September. My Bible reading, prayer and studying has taken a back seat. Lately I have been trying to read more. So when I think of reading my Bible, I try to do it right then rather than wait until later which we all know later, like tomorrow, never comes.

So, after last night's post, I was both tired and more at peace about what had come out. I think the bully metaphor is very apt. And what I was able to write has helped me to be more even and peaceful. I was able and willing to make better choices for myself. (Tonight the family had frozen pizza. Normally I would just eat that. But tonight I found myself making salmon melts without the bread for myself. I had a piece of pizza and two tomato round melts.) Until the family is on my plan, I think I will have to make a bigger effort to eat what is healthy for me. Even if that means making a separate meal for myself. (Sometimes it's just too much of a fight to make them eat what I am eating.)

Back to last night... When I went to bed, I read my Bible for a bit. I was asking God to provide me a verse to memorize that would be meaningful for where I am. (I joined this "club" where over 8000 women all over North America are memorizing 2 verses of scripture each month. I ordered and finally received my "Siesta Scripture Memory Team" spiral notebooks. They are to have a place to write the Bible verses to memorize.) I have been reading Isaiah since that was the study I had joined but subsequently quit. Last night it was Isaiah 12. Do you know what the first verse of chapter 12 was? You don't, huh. Oh well. I was going to write it anyway.

"You will say in that day: 'I will give thanks to you, O LORD, for though you were angry with me, your anger turned away, that you might comfort me.'"

I mean come on. Could that have been any better?!?! The back story is that the Israelites keep doing what God tells them not to do. But God keeps rescuing them anyway. Hmmm. Sounds familiar.

That doesn't mean that this will get any easier. Today Bully came by again. Except that she was very nice and I forgot that she hurts me. I find it hard to remember these things the next day - speaking of memorizing. I have often threatened to make a poster of my goal and now just even the word "bully" would probably do wonders. I guess it would be just like my little handheld spiral but big and on my wall and not spiral.

that's it for now.

Ramblings of a sick mind

I feel so gross and fat. Basically how I have felt for my entire life.

It is directly related to how I am eating which is directly related to how I am feeling. My son has been yelling, "I'm hungry" from his room for the last 30 minutes. I think he might very well be hungry, but because bedtime is such a struggle with him, I am ignoring him. He will have to wait until morning to eat again. So instead of feeding him, I go and eat more cheesecake. In the last 24 hours, I have eaten an entire cheesecake our friends brought over for dessert when they came for dinner last night. Helloooo leftovers!

Honestly, the cheesecake is just the tip of the iceberg. I have no internal control. I will eat cookies first thing in the morning. I will snack on homemade bread dripping with butter; piece after piece.
Even on healthy food, I will just keep eating even though I don't really want anymore. Even though I'm not hungry, I will go until there is no more.

At least when I am working, I'm not eating. At least when I am sleeping I am not eating. Other than that, it seems like I'm eating. Or if I'm not eating, I am cooking. (which usually means I'm eating too.)

I'm not able to drink at the same time that I eat. I need to wait about 30 minutes or so after I've finished eating. By then, instead of drinking, I start eating again.

As I think back, I don't really remember when this started back up again. I remember it was early fall I had "recommitted". Yeah, that didn't hold very long. I have felt really out of control since Christmas. It had not as much to do with Christmas as it did with my holidays after Christmas. As in, not working=eating.

Now it seems I have no fear when it comes to eating. What I mean is that when people have weight loss surgery, they are afraid to dump, or stretch their pouch or stoma, or eat too many carbs or eat too fast or any number of things that cause pain. Right now, I have no fear of those things. I never really did. That is why I probably have already stretched my pouch and stoma. That is why I know I don't really dump on a lot of sugary food. That is why I stay away from foods like chicken breast - because it hurts!

I didn't weigh myself this morning. It was a choice. I am afraid to know how much I have gained. On my holidays I gained 7 pounds. Then last week going back to work I lost 3 in my first 2 days back. Then I got injured so I didn't deliver any mail and started going up again. (Yeah, I know after my whining last post about the cold, it was a good week to work inside!) And now I feel my stomach pushed to it's limit full of junk. I fear that tomorrow I could very well be 180 or more. As I was going down, I remember saying to myself "there is no reason to ever go above 175, 174 173,172, 171" I never got to 170. Now I am stuck again where I never though I would be stuck. In this stupid head game. I have no commitment or resolve to make any plan to get myself out of this hole work. I am only leaning on my work to get me back down. When I work this bad eating doesn't really matter.

But even if work can get me out of this weight gain, it doesn't change the fact that my mind is still sick. It still wants/lets me overeat. It still wants me to hide covered in guilt and shame. It still puts the me who wants something different on the defense when it comes out to bully.

It might not be my mind, per se. I will have to think about it more. But it is a bully, whatever it is. It says, "Don't you even THINK about stopping me! I will eat whatever the FUCK I want." I'm sorry for the F bomb. I thought about using f*** but that's not what I feel. It is the full blown tirade and tantrum.

I think about what I can do when I am hit (bully) with the urge to eat or keep eating. Writing here is obvious, drinking, cross stitching, reading, house work, calling,... The list could be endless. (One distraction I remember reading was brushing your teeth. I had never thought about that before, but I think it is a good one. It is healthy and it cleans out my mouth from the junk that was in it. And usually the taste of the toothpaste and the food I want to eat don't go that well together. ) Right now it is so hard to stop mid-stream. It is so hard to challenge the bully especially when the bully is used to getting their own way. Part of me says why stop anyway. The bully is just going to win anyway. Whether it's now or in an hour the bully always wins.

How do I convince myself to stand up to the bully? How do I change my attitude to any minutes the bully isn't winning are good minutes? I'll have to remind myself that any minutes the bully isn't winning are good minutes.

Wish me luck.

routine

Today, after 2 weeks of holidays, I went back to work. I was really nervous last night and this morning getting ready. I mean, it was only 2 weeks!

What had me going in circles is the weather. It was -25 C with the wind chill today. There were snow drifts all over from the weekend's blizzard. I knew it was going to be a tough day. Plus, it is amazing how quickly our bodies lose our muscles when they aren't used!

This winter has been a struggle for me to keep my hands and feet warm. I think I have mild frost bite which means that as soon as they get a little bit cold, they hurt and freeze and are very hard to get warm. Most people tell me that after they have been walking about 10 minutes, their hands are warm. For me, it is almost 30 minutes before my fingers are warm from moving my body. Then, if I stop, for as little as 5 minutes, I have to start the warming all over again. It is so painful! The worst part is that I can't just bundle my hands in super huge mitts. I need my fingers constantly checking my mail and adding flyers at each house.

Yesterday, I went to Mountain Equipment Coop for new gloves. Right across the street is Atmosphere, so I went there first. I ended up buying 2 liners there - gloves that are supposed to go inside mitts. The price was ok. Then I went to MEC. I thought that if MEC was a better deal, I could just return the first ones. I ended up buying 2 more liners there. The liners that I got at Atmosphere were better quality than the ones I bought at MEC but I think they were a better price for similar quality ones at MEC.

So, today, I wore 2 of my new liners (the ones from Atmosphere) with another fleece/thinsulate pair on top. I put the gloves on before I left work so my hands would stay warm from inside rather than getting cold from walking outside and opening car doors before I put them on. BTW, I had on 2 pairs of socks (and an ankle brace on one foot), my new -40C boots, long underwear, pants and overpants, a long sleeved shirt, a short sleeved shirt and my winter parka on. Then I had a hat, a head band, a dickie and a neckwarmer. Then I pulled my hood over top.

What I learned from today is that the 3 layers worked well. I was able to remove and add layers as the wind changed or I warmed up. I also learned that I don't think there will be anything that will truly keep my fingers warm for that first little bit. Today, my fingers were all the way warm by 20 minutes, which is much better than before. But that is still a long time for cold and pain! Oh well. At least I live in the land of Chinooks! Hopefully by next week it will warm up again.

But all in all, I am glad to be back at work. It is good for me to have forced exercise, and routine. Over the holidays, I gained 7 pounds. Some of that is from over-indulging, but a lot of that has to do with not walking for 4 hours everyday. Since I get a great cardio workout at work, I don't have a regular gym schedule. Then when I don't work, I don't exercise. That is a good chunk of calories that I usually burn that I don't. In addition, When I am working, I don't have time to eat. When I am at home, I have all the time in the world to eat! So not only am I not burning as much, but I am eating more.

Last week, I spent a lot of time watching old Intervention episodes online. I really like that show. I can relate to so much in the addicts. Especially last week when I was making a lot of sweets and eating a lot sweets and gaining weight. It really felt like I had gone back to old times when I would go back and back and back to the food even though I was full, sick, tired, or any of the other feelings that should make me want to stop. I think that was why I had to choose the weight loss goal for 2011 instead of the mature route. The weight loss will be tricky for me. I will need to learn more about saying no to myself and feeling feelings and taking up the fight rather than lying down and letting it trample me all over.

At least I have no more holidays booked until April!!! That's 3 months to guide me with my routine!

Really

It's 11pm and I should be in bed already, but after not posting for so long, I really want to post something. My plan is to talk a bit about new year's and all that it entails, but you never know where I will end up!

The last week or so I have been thinking about what this new year will bring. What do I want it to bring? And more accurately, what will I bring to the new year? "What will the new year bring?" is too passive for where I am in my life.

I used to float by just going where ever the current would take me. Goals were never made because I never understood that I could impact the outcome. The idea that my actions could directly effect the situations in my life wasn't anywhere in my belief system. I never really pursued anything like good grades, success in money management, or weight loss. Being sufficient was good enough for me. Getting by was how I got by.

Now I believe differently. I have seen A) that I am able to make good choices and B) that those good choices do make a difference. In terms of our money problems, we have been making much better choices and it has made a difference. We live beneath our means. We are saving a little money. We have a plan to pay back our mountain of debt. In terms of weight loss, I have made good choices during the past year and it has made a difference. My food situation is a little dicey right now. (I will probably go into that yet again, in another post.) But I have made good choices. I have seen the difference those choices have made. They make me feel so much better mentally and emotionally. They also leave a difference on the scale - over time.

So, anyway, back to new years... I'm not against resolutions per se, but to say "I resolve to do XYZ." doesn't really sit with me well. Accountability with myself is still a bit weak, so resolving in my own mind to do something specific like not eat any more sugar this year will not work.

I have read a lot about not having resolutions but goals for the new year. With the idea that goals are measurable and have firmer parameters around them which make them less loosey-goosey than resolutions. Again, for me right now, to make goals would be similar to making wishes. I really, really, want to lose my last 25 pounds in the next 6 months. But I know in my heart that I am not willing to not eat any more sugar for the year. So to make a goal of losing 25 pounds in 6 months fits the guidelines for goal making, but I know won't work for me.

What I have opted for is something more basic. When it came to me I knew it was the right fit. My plan is to be more mature. To make the effort to do the things that I need to do as a strong, confident woman/wife/mom. I'm sure I have mentioned previously how my last year has brought a new maturity to my life. Now I want to embrace that even more.

Right now, maturity will look a lot like housework. It means cleaning up right after dinner instead of leaving it for the morning, or sweeping the floor for the hundredth time in one day. It means picking something up and putting it where it belongs the first time I see it instead of stepping over it all day and then begrudgingly putting it away at the end of the day. It means being the adult in my relationship with my kids and showing them patience and grace and love instead of frustration and anger. It means keeping up with the tracking of our expenses and writing everything I spend down instead of getting tired and bored of this task. It means choosing to eat properly and healthfully instead of trying to get away with eating junk just because I exercise a lot and don't get sick when I eat a lot of sugary, fatty foods. It means taking the long view and making choices that are best for the future not just right now.

Approaching my year this way will let me have success. Each time I do one of the mature things, I can feel proud of my actions. It doesn't hinge all on one thing or one area of my life.

As I was just writing this, I wondered if I am hiding from hard things. I really do want to lose my last 25 pounds in 6 months. But am I too afraid to seek that out? I know it will be hard to do. I know it will take dedication and commitment. Maybe by taking the "mature" way I have given myself a way out of holding my feet to the fire. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of telling myself no to the food I want to eat. Yup. I'm afraid all right. I rationalize that being mature also covers food and weight. It does. But it also gives me an out to not really try. It lets me go where ever the current takes me rather than being determined to succeed in this area.

Now what do I do? I really like the maturity angle. I really do think it will work with me. But having happened upon this fear of going for what I really want makes me think that I need to put a greater emphasis on the weight loss. Ugh. I'm face to face with who I really am: someone who hates hard choices, telling myself no and failure. I want (so badly) to let myself off the hook. I want to continue to eat what I want yet I know it was that path that took me to 320 pounds. If I want to go a different way, I will have to get off of that path.

I know it doesn't have to be an either/or with maturity or 25 pounds. I can still do both. It's just that in my head, I need to know that I have a *goal*. I need to decide or else I will just have another out.

I must confess, I did not know my post would go this way. I really had no idea that this was lurking inside of me. Thanks for letting me go through this with you.

Also, I must apologize for my constant use of the word, "really." I haven't counted how many times I used it - but I could have used it more. I edited a few out, if you can imagine!

overload

A few posts back, I posted about the gingerbread I made. I made quite a few gingerbread boys and what turned into 3 large delapidated gingerbread tenements. I was planning to decorate the houses before my son's 5 th birthday party, but the gingerbread boys were the "activity" at the party.

We have been so busy, that I never had the energy to get the houses done. My kids would ask and mommy would say, "no, not tonight. maybe tomorrow." Then it turned into "next week" then it turned into "Alex's party." One house got decorated at the party. The other 2 we ended up taking them to Alex's pre-school for them to decorate. That was 2 fold in its purpose: 1) to get the darn gingerbread out of our house and 2) to get the accompanying candy out of the house!

You see, being somewhat of a candy lover, I went a bit overboard. I think I bought somewhere close to $40 in bulk candy to do said decorations. That included 2 trips where I had to replace what we had eaten and buy things I forgot - like candy canes.

Being a candy lover, that was all I could think of for quite a while. I would think about it when I was on my way home from work: "I wonder which one I will eat tonight?" and then when I was at home eating it, I would have a few and then return for a few more and a few more. (I'm sure you know the drill.) I don't think I ever ate the entire bag of what I had bought, but I sure ate too much anyway.

I ate so much that today my weight was 175. That's up 3 lbs. I'm not impressed. But I am grateful that I made myself get on the scale even though I didn't want to. I need to know that my actions have consequences. I am also glad that I cannot eat with impunity. Even though I had surgery, and it will change some aspects of my eating for ever, from now on, I am mainly a normal sized person controlling her weight. What I eat does matter. Because my job is so active, I can eat more than if I was sedentary, but my job doesn't erase multiple trips to the pantry.

So, anyway, we took the extras to the preschool. But, they didn't use all the candy. So then we got it back. Today my husband suggested we take it to work. Posties will eat junk food like no tomorrow. I took it in this afternoon before my overtime shift.

I have to admit this sad truth: I am sad that I don't have any here to eat. Why did I have to take it to work already? If I had left it until tomorrow, I could have a snack tonight. Logically I know it is much better that it is at work, but emotionally, I want it here. I want it now! And knowing that it is not accessible makes me think about what else I can substitute for it. Anything with sugar will do.

Stay off the sidewalk!

Yesterday I took a class to get my vehicle operator's permit for Canada Post. The class covered some interesting material, but what is scheduled for a day could be covered in a couple of hours. (That is, of course, if I would stop talking and asking questions and telling anecdotes.)

Today, I had my driving test. It went quite well. I got stuck in the snow at the side of the road, but that was good. I was able to ask questions and do it with someone watching. That is my biggest fear about driving one of these trucks - getting stuck. I hate being in the way and with a big truck, that is nearly impossible. I know with my car, I try and park where other people can park either in front or behind and I'm not blocking anybody. With this truck, I'll have to learn to just go. If I think I will get stuck, then I'll have to park more in the middle of the road. I will have to try and be arrogant.

I took the training so I can deliver Christmas parcels for overtime. Without the VOP, I wouldn't be allowed to. Eventually, everyone in Canada Post will have their own truck and deliver mail, parcels and pick up the mail in the street letter boxes in one area. Everyone will need a VOP then. I guess I'm just ahead of the curve.