I feel so gross and fat. Basically how I have felt for my entire life.
It is directly related to how I am eating which is directly related to how I am feeling. My son has been yelling, "I'm hungry" from his room for the last 30 minutes. I think he might very well be hungry, but because bedtime is such a struggle with him, I am ignoring him. He will have to wait until morning to eat again. So instead of feeding him, I go and eat more cheesecake. In the last 24 hours, I have eaten an entire cheesecake our friends brought over for dessert when they came for dinner last night. Helloooo leftovers!
Honestly, the cheesecake is just the tip of the iceberg. I have no internal control. I will eat cookies first thing in the morning. I will snack on homemade bread dripping with butter; piece after piece.
Even on healthy food, I will just keep eating even though I don't really want anymore. Even though I'm not hungry, I will go until there is no more.
At least when I am working, I'm not eating. At least when I am sleeping I am not eating. Other than that, it seems like I'm eating. Or if I'm not eating, I am cooking. (which usually means I'm eating too.)
I'm not able to drink at the same time that I eat. I need to wait about 30 minutes or so after I've finished eating. By then, instead of drinking, I start eating again.
As I think back, I don't really remember when this started back up again. I remember it was early fall I had "recommitted". Yeah, that didn't hold very long. I have felt really out of control since Christmas. It had not as much to do with Christmas as it did with my holidays after Christmas. As in, not working=eating.
Now it seems I have no fear when it comes to eating. What I mean is that when people have weight loss surgery, they are afraid to dump, or stretch their pouch or stoma, or eat too many carbs or eat too fast or any number of things that cause pain. Right now, I have no fear of those things. I never really did. That is why I probably have already stretched my pouch and stoma. That is why I know I don't really dump on a lot of sugary food. That is why I stay away from foods like chicken breast - because it hurts!
I didn't weigh myself this morning. It was a choice. I am afraid to know how much I have gained. On my holidays I gained 7 pounds. Then last week going back to work I lost 3 in my first 2 days back. Then I got injured so I didn't deliver any mail and started going up again. (Yeah, I know after my whining last post about the cold, it was a good week to work inside!) And now I feel my stomach pushed to it's limit full of junk. I fear that tomorrow I could very well be 180 or more. As I was going down, I remember saying to myself "there is no reason to ever go above 175, 174 173,172, 171" I never got to 170. Now I am stuck again where I never though I would be stuck. In this stupid head game. I have no commitment or resolve to make any plan to get myself out of this hole work. I am only leaning on my work to get me back down. When I work this bad eating doesn't really matter.
But even if work can get me out of this weight gain, it doesn't change the fact that my mind is still sick. It still wants/lets me overeat. It still wants me to hide covered in guilt and shame. It still puts the me who wants something different on the defense when it comes out to bully.
It might not be my mind, per se. I will have to think about it more. But it is a bully, whatever it is. It says, "Don't you even THINK about stopping me! I will eat whatever the FUCK I want." I'm sorry for the F bomb. I thought about using f*** but that's not what I feel. It is the full blown tirade and tantrum.
I think about what I can do when I am hit (bully) with the urge to eat or keep eating. Writing here is obvious, drinking, cross stitching, reading, house work, calling,... The list could be endless. (One distraction I remember reading was brushing your teeth. I had never thought about that before, but I think it is a good one. It is healthy and it cleans out my mouth from the junk that was in it. And usually the taste of the toothpaste and the food I want to eat don't go that well together. ) Right now it is so hard to stop mid-stream. It is so hard to challenge the bully especially when the bully is used to getting their own way. Part of me says why stop anyway. The bully is just going to win anyway. Whether it's now or in an hour the bully always wins.
How do I convince myself to stand up to the bully? How do I change my attitude to any minutes the bully isn't winning are good minutes? I'll have to remind myself that any minutes the bully isn't winning are good minutes.
Wish me luck.
I do the same thing as well. I am an emotional eater, no matter what emotion! Happy- I eat, Sad- I eat. Uggggg!!
ReplyDeleteI have to avoid my kitchen most of the day and I keep my hands busy sewing. And we don't bring many types of food into the house. If it is a special occasion and there is a cake or something like that, as soon as we are done our serving, Matt takes the item down to his work so his co-workers can eat it instead of me!!