Beach day!

Hi!

I just got back from a wonderful day at the beach. We went to Dickson point on Glennifer Lake. It was a bit of a drive, but the beach was perfect with sand to play, cool water and even a tree for shade. It wasn't very busy even on a hot summer day. Later in the day when the storm clouds threatened to come our way, we light a fire and roasted marshmallows just back from the beach. It was perfect.

Definitely a place to check out if you are in southern/central Alberta.

Here's a link for a bit more info.
http://sunsite.ualberta.ca/Projects/Alberta-Lakes/view/?region=South%20Saskatchewan%20Region&basin=Red%20Deer%20River%20Basin&lake=Gleniffer%20Lake&number=101

Obsessed

I've started watching a bit more tv lately. I guess it is in place of my computer time as I've been cutting that back a bit.

Monday nights are one of my favourite tv nights. I keep it on A&E all night. Last night I watched 2 episodes of Obsessed back to back. I would have continued with Intervention, but it was one I already saw and shock of shocks, I turned the tv off.

Something about these shows really resonates with me. The addictions, the compulsions, the helplessness. I watch the people and get glimpses of myself and my state of mind. I see how bad their situations are and wonder how long it would take me to get to the same place. Sometimes I know I am already past them.

I am coming up to a new place in my eating where I am able to eat more. I am able to tolerate most foods. Not much seems to get stuck anymore. The other day we were out visiting and I ate an entire sandwich for lunch. Mind you, it wasn't one of those HUGE sandwiches - just 2 pieces of bread, some cucumber, tomato, and a few slices of meat. But I ate the whole thing. I was kind of surprised. Was it too much? Should I have eaten that much?

Lately I have been eating a lot more carbs. I have not been drinking en0ugh water or eating enough protein. The rules that I was able to ignore earlier out, are starting to become important. I now need to make an effort to eat my protein first, limit starchy carbs and almost eliminate sugar. (Did you catch that?!?!? I said "almost eliminate." I can't even type the idea that I have to give up sugar!)

Some of my old bad habits are creeping back in - like eating whatever it is that is out. I made rice krispie squares for the kids yesterday. I didn't pack them up so they were out of sight. Instead I kept on taking a bit here and a bit there. Then a few minutes later, a bit more. I ate about 1/2 the pan. Finally, this morning (after eating some) I put them in bags for the kids. Almost instantly, I was able to not eat them. Once I had gone through the motion of putting them away, they were out of my mind.

Last night when I got home with the kids, Norm had popcorn out. I hadn't even been thinking of popcorn. But since I saw it and smelled it, then I had to have some. I popped my own and then melted some extra butter to put on top. I ate it while watching Obsessed.

In my past, I was definitely on the "see food" diet. You know, whatever I saw I ate. Or, if I didn't eat it then, I would search it out later. Of course always eating way more than my share.

This is where my new thought has come in. The treatment for the people who have OCD on Obsessed is "exposure therapy." Where the therapist walks them through something they would normally compulse and obsess about. Except that they aren't allowed to follow through with what they want to do. It causes a lot of stress and anxiety. They then have to sit with the feelings until they diminish.

I'm thinking that this might be something I could work on in relation to my food. As I blogged about earlier, food - especially sugary food - has a strong attraction for me. When I try to avoid the food, I become anxious. The anxiety heightens until I eat some. And usually, I am not able to control the amount I eat after I start.

After having gastric bypass, I felt so free from this compulsion to eat. I couldn't believe how I didn't even want to eat. I didn't really think it would return. Now that it has, I need to find a solution to deal with it. I need to be able to leave food on the counter without it having so much power over me. Maybe this exposure therapy can help.

Ok. Now I feel like "bad" Christian. I also believe that this compulsion is spiritual in nature and that food in my life is not yet under the Lordship of Christ. Why would I need exposure therapy when Christ is all sufficient? When I depose food from it's place of worship in my life, wouldn't that take care of it? *SIGH* I don't know.

life and stuff

I am slowly getting the hang of being alone. But not entirely alone, that would be fun. No, this is alone with 3 mini-me's. It's funny, because I say this after Norm has been home most of the week! But last week he was gone 7 nights in a row.

Basically it comes down to the fact that I always seem to want what I don't have. When I was home full time, I wanted some time away from the family. Now that I am working full time and away, I wouldn't mind being home full time. Actually, it's not quite like that. It's that I would like to not have the same workload at home when I get home from full time job that I used to have when I didn't have full time job. Hmmmm. This is sounding vaguely familiar. Have I posted about this a time or TEN!

I don't think Norm pulls his weight when it comes to the house. His time with the kids and at home is usually spent organizing his office or watching movies with the kids. When I am at home, I am doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, getting the kids to do their chores, laundry, or whiling away the hours online. (I AM working on cutting back - seriously!)

Here is where the rubber meets the road. I am very selfish. "Doesn't he know that I work fulltime? Doesn't he feel the pressure to cook and clean and have the house somewhat organized for at least 30 seconds during the day? Why should I have to come home and do all the stuff I used to do without the job? I am tired when I come home!" are just a few of the things that run through my head at any given point in the afternoon/evening as i do the things to manage the house. But I guess I have to accept some sort of new normal where I need to do more. I need to require more of myself. I might be getting closer to the acceptance of the new normal, but it is reluctant. I'm sure there has been much kicking and screaming along the way too.


I'm taking the 2 older kids camping with my SIL /bff tomorrow for the night. We are just going for one night this time and maybe it will lead to more. Before we had kids I really enjoyed camping (ie. tenting) but Norm wasn't so keen. We went a couple of times. Since kids, I don't think I have tented at all. The kids are really excited. While I tend to think that it will be more work, I am excited too. It is nice to get away and enjoy creation. Reconnect with things a bit more naturally. I'll let you know how it goes.

We are in the 4th week of our new budget. Things are going well. I think. It's starting to get harder now. Where there are things we "need" but aren't in the budget. Last week, there was only money left in the transportation budget. That is also meant to carry over to pay for repairs and maintenance. Norm used some of that money for an afternoon of fun with his office. I have used some of the money floating around to pay for extras. We are starting to run out of the floating money too.

Being mature sucks! Since my surgery, I have matured. I am more willing and able to delay gratification. I can do what needs to be done instead of leaving it because I don't' want to do it. I haven't touched my cross stitch. I haven't read much lately. There might be time, but right now I am spending all of my "spare" time on the computer. If I gave up my computer time, I could read or cross stitch. Or, I could start some projects to finish the house. (Did I mention that part of our budget includes selling the house?)

Having said that, I have reverted back to some of my more immature eating habits. Today I bought candy. I have been eating it all day today. Granted, I would have finished it all already 8 months ago. But I know better now. I know I have a choice. I know what I need to eat to nourish my body. I know I need to be choosy about what I put in my mouth. I don't even like the candy I have been eating, but I have been eating it anyway. Shame on me! I do know better. Why am I not doing it?!?!? Time to go back for a talk with the shrink!

Wow. I wrote another book. Sorry. Maybe I should try writing something even when I don't think I have anything to write. Then they will actually be a more manageable size!

Well, I guess I should go do the dishes now. yippee...

EARLY mornings

On work days, I am usually able to get ready pretty quick. If I had to, I could probably be out the door in 10 minutes. I wouldn't have to skip much of my routine either. I might miss out on "making" a lunch and would take a canned tuna meal. But I would have my breakfast and wash and maybe even a touch of makeup! The only problem was that I always felt under the gun. I like to be in my car by 6:15 and start work at 6:30. I hate being late.

So a few weeks ago, I started setting my alarm at 5am. I don't think I have ever voluntarily set it so early before. I did this for a couple of reasons. On my shower days, it gives me plenty of time for my shower and hair. I can get my lunch and snacks ready. And, I have also been starting a devotional time before work.

I was doing my study in the evening after the kids were in bed. But now, I am too tired to be able to focus that late. If I was smart, I would go to bed right after the kids and then I could really get up at 5 instead of pressing snooze until 5:20.

I had gotten off track with my Bible study, so I am just doing a Proverb a day right now. It is good to read about being wise and gaining wisdom and how we can squander it so easily. I see my faults all through the pages of these proverbs.

Today's verse that caught me was 23:... (I just returned with my Bible) 23:1-3 and 20-21. 1-3 talks about not gaining an appetite for what the rulers have. Their delicacies are deceptive. This really impacts me in our situation. We are just owning up to our mounds of debt. We are starting to learn to live without what we have always had. But Solomon is telling us that it is better to kill ourselves ("put a knife to your throat") rather than to want what the rich (my word) have. I am constantly reminding myself to be content with what I have. We have so much and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Last night I was in a *mood* complaining to myself about all the work I have to do in the evening like dishes and the floor and bedtime and cleaning in general. Then I thought it could be harder. I don't have to walk to get my water. I thought about the women of the world who must walk kilometres and carry the water back with them on their head. How would I like that?!?!?

verses 20 and 21 "Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eater of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags."

You know what?!? That is exactly what happened to me. I was a glutton. I have now come to poverty. I worshipped food instead of God. Now I must pay the consequences of that. Being gluttonous also led me to slumber. I was so tired most of the time or conserving my energy for what I absolutely had to do that I would nap instead of working; instead of getting done what I needed to do. It made me think that I might need to make myself a chore chart like I have for the kids.

Ok. One more thing. I am very thankful for my surgery. I don't think it would have been possible for me to lose weight any other way. It has taught me to not worship food. Yet, I am finding my old habits and struggles coming back as I get hungrier and able to eat again.

Today, was Jewel's last day of work. Someone brought in a cake for her. I wanted some. I could have some. I wouldn't get sick. I wouldn't gain weight because of my exercise. There was lots there. There was a lot of mail, so I didn't go get some right away. But my brain was working overtime. "It's right over there. I wonder what it tastes like. Oh, I think I will get a piece with lots of icing. I like icing," were some of the thoughts running through my head. I was really anxious. My heart started to race a bit. My thoughts kept swirling.

It was then that I realized that it was still controlling me. this cake was having power over me and my body. I was still idolizing this food. I had to decide to not have any. Yes, there was still lots. yes, my body could handle it physically. Yes, I'm sure it would taste good. The amazing thing was that once I had decided to pass on the cake, I felt so much calmer. My body and mind started to breathe again. I was really surprised. Then, just one more try - I heard in my head "well now that I know I was idolizing it, now I can still have a piece because I know that now. It would be an idol then."

I almost fell for it.

But alas, I stayed strong and left the cake.

This is going to be a lifelong process. I will have to be aware of what's going on in order to allow God to keep working in me.

And to think, all of this because I am willing to wake up a bit earlier. Huh.

the funding is in!

I received this letter yesterday...

"Dear ME,

The weight management program in Calgary has received funding for 25 LapBand surgeries to be completed by March 31, 2011. Therefore, we are inviting referred patients to participate in the program this year."

So, let's talk this out...

First of all, I was referred to this program over TWO years ago. I have not heard anything from them. Not even a confirmation that they received my name. In 2 years this is my first contact.

#2 Did you catch that? There is funding for 25 lapbands this year. That is 25 lapbands in all of Calgary! That means that in a city of over one million people they will only pay for 25 lapbands. As I'm sure I mentioned before, before I checked into my Montreal surgeon, I talked with a surgeon here. He said his waiting list was over 850 people. Originally I thought that he was funded for 25 surgeries, but based on the wording of this letter, it is only 25 for the entire region!!! I know you can't hear the rattling, but all I can do is shake my head. (rattling from the noise my head makes when I move it.) That is appauling.

It gets even better...

"It is important that you are aware that there are fewer LapBand surgeries available than there are patients participating in this program. Therefore, surgery cannot be provided to all patients. Consequently, you may complete all that is required of you but it is not guaranteed that you will be selected for surgery."

The bold is part of the quote. They want you to know that even if you do everything you are supposed to, that you most likely will not get surgery. I mean with 25 surgeries, I'm sure they will have over 100 people participating. In my head I can hear them saying, "she doesn't have the co-morbidities that they others do. She can still get around. Look at her, she can even walk for a living. I think that others who can really benefit from this surgery should have priority over her." Would they say that directly to me? I have no idea. Would they say that amongst themselves when they have to pick from those who jumped through all the hoops? Absolutely. There is a small part of me that hopes they would pick someone like me because of the potential benefits. Prevention of diabetes, high blood pressure, joint issues, apnea, and all of the other co-morbidities associated with obesity would be an amazing thing. Hello!! Let's talk about saving not only lives, but quality of life!!

Oh well. I don't really have to worry about it. It just gets my knickers in a knot. I am thinking of calling them to just ask some questions. Then I think it won't get me very far, especially since the people I would be talking with would have little control over what happens.

Oh. I also want to touch on the lapband part of it. One of the stated requirements is a "definite interest in having LapBand surgery." If it was my *only* option, then of course I would choose it, but given a choice it would be one of my last choices. Let me just preface my comments by saying that this type of surgery is personal. Each person has to know themselves and what would work best for them. The statistics on lapband aren't that great. the weight lost is lower and the after care is much more rigorous. There is a greater risk for infection at the port site. It requires a lot more motivation. In addition, A study I heard said that in rats, the malabsorptive part of the surgery made a bigger difference in weight loss that just the size of the pouch. Rats with just malabsorption lost just as much weight as rats who had both malabsorption and a reduce stomach. Lapband is sold as a less invasive option, but in my "never to be" humble opinion, it isjust as risky.

Ok. I'll come off my soapbox now.

struggling

I just wrote a long email to a friend who had surgery the day before me. She is struggling. It's hard to hear. I know she doesn't have any support. I'm sure she is bored and she is falling back into old habits.

It is so easy to do. Eating the easy food is easy. It's usually prepackaged. It's usually pretty tasty - think sugar and salt. It's usually justifiable in some way (I exercised today. I'm so hungry I just need to eat something. One won't hurt.) I'm pretty sure we all have done it. I know I have done it - even today.

The thing with surgery is that when we are super morbidly obese, we just want something that will work. We just want the nightmare of our lives to be over. Surgery seems like the one thing that will work. And it does. That is until we overtake the "tool" and make it bend to our will rather than the other way around. When we follow the rules, surgery will work marvelously. But there are ways to eat around the pouch. There are ways to gain weight back after we have lost it. There are ways to be as big as when we started. I know I need to remember this and constantly picture my old life so I don't forget it. So I don't end up back at over 300 lbs struggling with every step and breath.

So, my big scale victory of the week was "Onederland". Yup. I hit 199. It is a milestone that I haven't quite wrapped my head around. I still look at the scale expecting a "2". I am getting smaller and people are noticing even more so now that I am at work. I had someone come up to me today and ask if I am still losing weight. Even though the numbers aren't moving that much, I guess the fat is moving around!

I can't remember if I talked about this before - and I don't want to read my whole blog to find out! - that I feel like I have followed a puzzling command in the Bible. "If your eye causes you to sin, gauge it out. If you hand causes you to sin, cut if off." That is what I feel I have done to my stomach. It was causing me to sin. I have cut it out. I think that is neat. I have a caveat. As I get further out from surgery, my hunger is returning and I am eating more emotionally. There is a chance that soon, it won't be my stomach causing me to sin with overeating, but my mind. I will have to practice self control before that happens.

I was reading a parenting book and it talked about using the word "self-control" to your kids and because it is the Word of God, it does something different in your kids than just using any old word. Also, self control is a fruit of the spirit. If I have the Spirit, which I do, then He has given me self control. I have it. By using it, I can also help it grow in me. Self control will play a big part of my future if I want it to be different than my past where self control was truly lacking.

I must go to bed now. I am typing with one eye closed because I am so tired.

I hope you are well. Blessings to you.

musings of a tired mind

This morning, the first day of June, I had to scrape the frost off of my car windshield. As I got out the scraper, I thought, this is very odd. And then I thought, no it's not that odd anymore.

I remember when winter would start thawing out around mid February in Calgary. We 'd have our last freeze, the chinook would come and that would kind of be the end of it.

Then as a letter carrier, I saw some people take a couple of weeks of in late Feb and March. I never really understood why (other than for the spring break.) After delivering mail in March, it was clear to me. The weather was so unpredictable with warm then wind then rain then snow - sometimes all on the same day! I promised myself then, that I would take holidays in March.

Now, only a few years later, April is the month with the wacky weather. This year, the last week of April had significant snow and it was windy and very cold. May has been better, but very cold and quite grey. We just had a week of rain. And now the frost on the windshield. It's crazy!

Some would say that it's global warming. I have no idea. I'm not totally convinced of the whole notion. But I do think the seasons are shifting. The last couple of Septembers and Octobers have been downright hot! Maybe our seasons are now more closely aligned with the actual turning of the seasons - June, late September, December and March.

hmmm. We'll have to wait and see I guess.