Obsessed

I've started watching a bit more tv lately. I guess it is in place of my computer time as I've been cutting that back a bit.

Monday nights are one of my favourite tv nights. I keep it on A&E all night. Last night I watched 2 episodes of Obsessed back to back. I would have continued with Intervention, but it was one I already saw and shock of shocks, I turned the tv off.

Something about these shows really resonates with me. The addictions, the compulsions, the helplessness. I watch the people and get glimpses of myself and my state of mind. I see how bad their situations are and wonder how long it would take me to get to the same place. Sometimes I know I am already past them.

I am coming up to a new place in my eating where I am able to eat more. I am able to tolerate most foods. Not much seems to get stuck anymore. The other day we were out visiting and I ate an entire sandwich for lunch. Mind you, it wasn't one of those HUGE sandwiches - just 2 pieces of bread, some cucumber, tomato, and a few slices of meat. But I ate the whole thing. I was kind of surprised. Was it too much? Should I have eaten that much?

Lately I have been eating a lot more carbs. I have not been drinking en0ugh water or eating enough protein. The rules that I was able to ignore earlier out, are starting to become important. I now need to make an effort to eat my protein first, limit starchy carbs and almost eliminate sugar. (Did you catch that?!?!? I said "almost eliminate." I can't even type the idea that I have to give up sugar!)

Some of my old bad habits are creeping back in - like eating whatever it is that is out. I made rice krispie squares for the kids yesterday. I didn't pack them up so they were out of sight. Instead I kept on taking a bit here and a bit there. Then a few minutes later, a bit more. I ate about 1/2 the pan. Finally, this morning (after eating some) I put them in bags for the kids. Almost instantly, I was able to not eat them. Once I had gone through the motion of putting them away, they were out of my mind.

Last night when I got home with the kids, Norm had popcorn out. I hadn't even been thinking of popcorn. But since I saw it and smelled it, then I had to have some. I popped my own and then melted some extra butter to put on top. I ate it while watching Obsessed.

In my past, I was definitely on the "see food" diet. You know, whatever I saw I ate. Or, if I didn't eat it then, I would search it out later. Of course always eating way more than my share.

This is where my new thought has come in. The treatment for the people who have OCD on Obsessed is "exposure therapy." Where the therapist walks them through something they would normally compulse and obsess about. Except that they aren't allowed to follow through with what they want to do. It causes a lot of stress and anxiety. They then have to sit with the feelings until they diminish.

I'm thinking that this might be something I could work on in relation to my food. As I blogged about earlier, food - especially sugary food - has a strong attraction for me. When I try to avoid the food, I become anxious. The anxiety heightens until I eat some. And usually, I am not able to control the amount I eat after I start.

After having gastric bypass, I felt so free from this compulsion to eat. I couldn't believe how I didn't even want to eat. I didn't really think it would return. Now that it has, I need to find a solution to deal with it. I need to be able to leave food on the counter without it having so much power over me. Maybe this exposure therapy can help.

Ok. Now I feel like "bad" Christian. I also believe that this compulsion is spiritual in nature and that food in my life is not yet under the Lordship of Christ. Why would I need exposure therapy when Christ is all sufficient? When I depose food from it's place of worship in my life, wouldn't that take care of it? *SIGH* I don't know.

life and stuff

I am slowly getting the hang of being alone. But not entirely alone, that would be fun. No, this is alone with 3 mini-me's. It's funny, because I say this after Norm has been home most of the week! But last week he was gone 7 nights in a row.

Basically it comes down to the fact that I always seem to want what I don't have. When I was home full time, I wanted some time away from the family. Now that I am working full time and away, I wouldn't mind being home full time. Actually, it's not quite like that. It's that I would like to not have the same workload at home when I get home from full time job that I used to have when I didn't have full time job. Hmmmm. This is sounding vaguely familiar. Have I posted about this a time or TEN!

I don't think Norm pulls his weight when it comes to the house. His time with the kids and at home is usually spent organizing his office or watching movies with the kids. When I am at home, I am doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, getting the kids to do their chores, laundry, or whiling away the hours online. (I AM working on cutting back - seriously!)

Here is where the rubber meets the road. I am very selfish. "Doesn't he know that I work fulltime? Doesn't he feel the pressure to cook and clean and have the house somewhat organized for at least 30 seconds during the day? Why should I have to come home and do all the stuff I used to do without the job? I am tired when I come home!" are just a few of the things that run through my head at any given point in the afternoon/evening as i do the things to manage the house. But I guess I have to accept some sort of new normal where I need to do more. I need to require more of myself. I might be getting closer to the acceptance of the new normal, but it is reluctant. I'm sure there has been much kicking and screaming along the way too.


I'm taking the 2 older kids camping with my SIL /bff tomorrow for the night. We are just going for one night this time and maybe it will lead to more. Before we had kids I really enjoyed camping (ie. tenting) but Norm wasn't so keen. We went a couple of times. Since kids, I don't think I have tented at all. The kids are really excited. While I tend to think that it will be more work, I am excited too. It is nice to get away and enjoy creation. Reconnect with things a bit more naturally. I'll let you know how it goes.

We are in the 4th week of our new budget. Things are going well. I think. It's starting to get harder now. Where there are things we "need" but aren't in the budget. Last week, there was only money left in the transportation budget. That is also meant to carry over to pay for repairs and maintenance. Norm used some of that money for an afternoon of fun with his office. I have used some of the money floating around to pay for extras. We are starting to run out of the floating money too.

Being mature sucks! Since my surgery, I have matured. I am more willing and able to delay gratification. I can do what needs to be done instead of leaving it because I don't' want to do it. I haven't touched my cross stitch. I haven't read much lately. There might be time, but right now I am spending all of my "spare" time on the computer. If I gave up my computer time, I could read or cross stitch. Or, I could start some projects to finish the house. (Did I mention that part of our budget includes selling the house?)

Having said that, I have reverted back to some of my more immature eating habits. Today I bought candy. I have been eating it all day today. Granted, I would have finished it all already 8 months ago. But I know better now. I know I have a choice. I know what I need to eat to nourish my body. I know I need to be choosy about what I put in my mouth. I don't even like the candy I have been eating, but I have been eating it anyway. Shame on me! I do know better. Why am I not doing it?!?!? Time to go back for a talk with the shrink!

Wow. I wrote another book. Sorry. Maybe I should try writing something even when I don't think I have anything to write. Then they will actually be a more manageable size!

Well, I guess I should go do the dishes now. yippee...

Yummy!

Never in a million years did I ever think I would title a blog "Yummy" when I am talking about Tofu!!!

Oh, oh! Norm just saw that line. Now he knows we are having tofu. I hope he will eat it anyway.

There is something about tofu that I find quite repulsive. I have never cooked it. I have avoided it at the chinese food buffets and now, I have cooked it in my own home.

I bought it after my surgery thinking that it would be a good break from meat, meat and more meat. I bought the extra firm because the softer stuff turns my stomach. Tonight I was thinking about making a stir fry with shrimp but then saw the tofu. Oh why not, I thought. I cut it up and got all my asian sauces out. I had some sesame oil, hoisin sauce and a bit of soy sauce. I fried them up and they tasted not bad. Then I added some peanut satay sauce. The tofu soaked it all up. It tastes really good! Also, it looks great because the tofu "browned" and maybe even carmelized a bit!

Yummy! Really!

Sorry, I thought about taking pics but then I would have to download them and that seems like too much work.

Attila

Hey folks!

Life has definitely returned to normal around here. After, let's call it "NOVEMBER", it is nice to just have the normal stresses of life such as my mother in law coming for a week, completely retraining my mind and body to think and eat differently, and handle children who had a month off from Attila the Mom. ha ha! I really like that... Attila the Mom!

I am chalking it up to school, buy my daughter's attitude has tanked. Everything is "NO" or an argument or just completely ignoring me. I have recently threatened her with removal from school. I always toyed with home-schooling until a year ago, but it is top of mind these days!

My son would rather watch tv all day instead of go to school. He only chose to go to school when he learned that he wouldn't be allowed to watch tv all day. This guy is only 4! What is going to happen when he is 13?!?!

And today, the baby was really fussy. She is so cute that I am prone to forget about it until she starts crying again. She was in her high chair and started talking. I was on the phone. Eventually the talking turned into high pitched wails which would stop as soon as I would turn around and look at her. She might only be 6 mos, but she is pretty good at getting mommy's attention!

The food thing has been very challenging. I now know that the requested lobotomy was not performed. They only operated on my stomach, not my brain. Being the mom and doting wife, I spend most of my day in the kitchen preparing food for my charges. I try and feed the big kids first and then the baby because she needs me to transport the food from the bowl to her mouth. Then I get my food. Then I clean up a bit (really, only a bit) and by the time I finish my bit, it's time for snack again. The other challenging part is my son asks for a snack every 15 mins or so it seems. My sis in law told me to take away his snack if he pesters me, but I haven't gotten their yet. I may have to soon for some sanity. Anyway, so then it's snack, then lunch times 3, then it's snack again, then snack for my daughter out of school, then it's time to make dinner, then eat dinner then clean up then my night time snack.

So while it has been hard, I seem to have come to peace with my limited selection. I try not to nibble on treats and not lick my fingers with their food. I stick with my protein options. Today I had a really yummy cottage cheese pancake. No, really. It was good. Especially after almost 3 weeks of very uncreative food.

I have caused myself trouble a couple of times. I had my first "dumping" eating something I was allowed to have! I had a protein drink that I blended with some strawberries. But because I drank it quite quickly and had an entire serving, it was too much sugar for my body. I felt awful. I got the kids set up with their stuff and then I laid down and snoozed for an hour. Nauseous, dizzy, racing heart... My plan is to not do that again. The other trouble was eating some chicken. I made some chicken broth and took the chicken out. It was very tender from the slow simmer and I really do like meat, so I ate some. The first couple of bites were good and I tried to chew them lots. But after a few bites, the chicken got hung up. It hurt so much. I was pacing, sipping water to try to flush some out, I went to the bathroom. I felt like I was going to throw up. After about 10 mins, it passed. Whew! It was good chicken, but not that good.

So, what is the name of the animal that doesn't remember very well? Maybe Kristi-Bisti. Not 2 hours later, I ate more chicken. But I did learn something. I didn't eat as much! Ha! Yeah, but I still paced and went to the bathroom and this time I did throw up! I think it was mainly the water I had drunk in order to pass some food through. The chicken was so backed up that the water couldn't even get through. But just in case you have lost your faith in me, I did learn even more because the next night, I blended some chicken salad instead of just eating the big strands. See. I can learn. After a long time. After a lot of pain. But I can learn.

The other thing that is bothering me is the scale. I know it's not great to weigh everyday, but I have decided to do that. I mark it down on the page where I write my food for the day. Can you believe that even eating under 800 calories a day that I gained weight today? I'm still a bit dismayed. I might be down 30lbs, but gaining .5lb can really put a damper on things. I am wondering what will happen in the morning. Oh well. Whatever happens, I will try to remember it from the scale to my book and then write it down. I have actually had to reweigh because I couldn't remember what the number was. I can't even blame it on prego brain!

So, I have to give a shout out to my first commenter: KG. Thanks so much for your comment. It's great knowing that there is someone out there reading my ramblings!